Showing posts with label "Birthdays". Show all posts
Showing posts with label "Birthdays". Show all posts

Thursday, November 10, 2011

A family that loves me

My mom made this for me to celebrate remember another year of blessings and accompliments:
Thanks Mom!


With this beautiful little note: 


Jenny, though I hope your other gifts reach you today, I'm sending this one by e-mail, a collage of your life in the past year. I marvel at your resiliency, knowing all you were going through that you packed so much into your life and the lives of your family.I can never tell you -- though since you are the mother of your own daughters -- how much I love you and how very much you've added to my life, since the moment you were born 35 years ago through the years to today.You are such a very special person, not only to me but to many, many, many others. You make a difference. We are so lucky to have  you, and I consider you the shining achievement of my life.I love you so much.Happy birthday,Your proud mother


AND


I also got a card so sweet that I couldn't really read it in front of them, from my brother, and his girlfriend, Heather.  I came upstairs and behind my closed door, I read and I cried.  It was too kind.  Matt just got back from Iraq in September.  I've always had a great relationship with him, but I feel extremely close to him after his year away and the time we've spent reconnecting since he returned.  This was the first card I've ever gotten from him that wasn't along the lines of "thanks for all the years of torture growing up!".  :)  


It said: 


She's the first to help someon,
to see a need and lend a hand,
to sense a pain and understand.
That's just the way my sister is. 
She's always busy, doing more
than other people can get done,
and yet she finds the time for fun.
That's just the way my sister is. 
She has so many qualities
that others recognize as rare,
but she's completely unaware.
That's just the way my sister is.
That's why I love her. 
There have been some times in my life
when I don't know how I would have
made it through if it hadn't been for you.
You support and help,
your confidence in me ~
all thees have meant more than I can tell you. 
I'll always be thankful for all
the wonderful things you are~
and especially for the wonderful fact
that you're my sister!
Happy Birthday.


You know, I get pretty sentimental when it comes to my mom and Matt.  And it's hard to put into words what my little family unit means to me.  I hope neither of them mind me sharing their sweet sentiments here.  I could read over and over the kind words they shared with me today, and I don't want them lost at the bottom of a pile of papers or lost in email clutter land, but displayed proudly for me to reread and remember the love that I am surrounded with, that I have always been surrounded with.  I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have to have the mama and brother I do.  

Saturday, July 2, 2011

The last three-year-old rock-a-bye

Today was


The last three-year-old breakfast


The last three-year-old bath


The last three-year-old movie night


The last three-year-old Curious George book


And right before bed


The last three-year-old Rock-a-Bye baby


The last three-year-old kiss goodnight


But my Addie reminded me that tomorrow we could do four-year-old all of those things


(She also told me she will scrapbook the dry pull-up that she's been wearing for the last week and that she wore for the last night time tonight)
if she keeps it dry once again


You see, four-year-olds don't wear pull-ups at night like three-year-olds do


Bear-bear was almost too excited to get to sleep
He wishes it was Addie's birthday everyday
Addie got him calmed down with an "I can't wait" chant, that Bryson and Lily joined in too


Photo by Holly Kae
Four sounds so much older than three. 
 
I love you, my Addie
Happy Fourth Birthday, my love!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Out of the Past : 40 weeks

As I reflect on the birth week of my middle child, and think back to the days leading up to bringing her into the world, I've been pretty nostalgic.  Today was my due date with Addie.  Four years ago.  I went back to my babysite that I kept as a journal back then, and it was fun to re-read.  Without further ado, here it is. 

40 Weeks
Today is officially my due date. Here it is at 12:37am and I'm having contractions, strong enough to keep me awake, but not regular enough to get too excited yet. But I figure I will write a little bit and then track the time of the contractions at the same time, then try and go get some sleep by 1 or 1:30. (12:33, 12:37)

We have promised Lily a trip to the Library tomorrow (today) for story hour and to check out some books for the first time. She is really excited about it. I'm going to keep her home with me and I keep thinking that if I go into labor tonight, she will be really disappointed (12:40). By the way the times in the parenthesis are the contraction start times, and it is easier to just put it in (plus a great way of saving documentation rather than saving scraps of paper or excel schedules later!). Today Lily asked me about a minivan in the parking lot as we were leaving school, I told her it was Candace's (a little girl in her class). She wanted to know if it was new or old. I told her I thought that it was pretty new, they got it when Candace's mom had Candace's baby (12:43). She said that Candace's baby was already out, but Lily's baby was not out yet. I think Candace's brother is around 7 mths or so. Anyway, she said, "I want Addie to come out, but Addie keeps staying in, she doesn't come out." I thought that was so cute. So my thinking is that Lily will be okay with not going to the library if she gets to see her new sister. Of course, let's not get ahead of ourselves yet. This is just wishful thinking.

Today I nested like crazy, all the laundry is done and put away, dishes done, kitchen clean. I went to home depot, office depot, payless, walgreens, safeway, & out to lunch at Sweet Tomato with my mom. I downloaded photos and charged batteries, made a pot roast, walked my fanny off, took Lily to the park, and got everything I wanted crossed off my list. My mom did some weeding in the back yard since it is (12:47) driving me crazy and my husband won't let me hire someone, nor does he have the time or energy to do it. It looks much better. My face looks like a cartoon snowman head today, very round and rosy cheeks. It was hot and I'm feeling quite swollen. I also feel extra weight in my chin and jowls, quite attractive I must say!

Since I have some new ones, I will upload a few more pictures, so check out the new album, make sure and leave us a comment, and I will definitely update this with more tomorrow morning when I wake up, assuming I don't go to the hospital tonight. Like I said, I'm not too hopeful for that. We'll see what happens at the dr appt on Friday, but at this point I'm leaning toward not being induced on Monday. It is only 5 days late, and I will decide on Sunday or Friday, but I know I can wait it out a few more days. Again, not putting the pressure on myself, but I think that it will happen naturally if I give my body a chance. Today after all that walking, I can barely walk because the pressure is so heavy on my pubic bone.

It has been great having my mom here, I'm getting more done, and she has been such a help with Lily. I can't imagine how hard this week would have been without her, even though I know she would like to get to meet her 2nd granddaughter, she is also so helpful and supportive and really only cares about making me comfortable, and doing anything and everything she can to help with what I need (obviously, since she was out pulling weeds in 80 degrees today!) It also has been nice to just have someone around, rather than being alone all day. I do get very snappy at her, but if (12:55) she could survive my teenage years she can definitely survive my 40 week pregnant bitchiness. It is hard to explain, but it is like the slightest irritation turns to complete rage in about 3 seconds. She was whistling (and she can't whistle) to Lily today trying to get her attention while I was on the phone and Lily was running circles around my legs trying to get my attention. I barely noticed Lily because I am so used to it, but the sound of my mom attempting to whistle at my daughter (not my dog) OUTRAGED me and I went through the roof at her. Jeanine was at the other end of the phone call and said, "WOW, you ARE pregnant!"...Of course my mom and I laughed about it an hour later as I described how annoyance changed to anger so quickly. But I told her I still don't want her to whistle at Lily again, or anyone for that matter, she is a really shitty whistler. :)

Addie is kicking around so hard it is hard to tell the start of a contraction pain vs the pain and pressure she is putting on my belly. I wonder how big she is now. My guess is 7.5 lbs. That is a pound bigger than Lily, ouch, I don't want to think about that. My labor hasn't even started yet, and so many factors are different, I keep wondering what birth will be like this time. I pray that it is as easy and as ideal as it was with Lily (minus one small hiccup with a cathader several hours after she was born), but with a bigger baby and possibly faster birth, possible induction, (1:01)so many other things, it is hard to imagine that it will be.

It is now 1:03, my last two contractions were about 6 minutes apart, and they were 4 minutes when I started writing. So I'm going to go lay down and see what happens. I'll post it if we are headed to the hospital. And yes Carol of course we will call you, no matter the time. No news from us means no news...

*************************************

7:30pm, getting ready to go on a walk with my friend and doula Robin to talk about natural induction stuff. We went to the library today and had a great time. Pretty exhausting day as Lily didn't nap great, but there is nothing else to share.

I might have a glass of wine tonight, Robin said now that I am officially past due it's okay to have one, and it might kick start things. Cheers to hoping it does.
**************************************
11:37pm
Went on a long walk & Had the glass of wine. Didn't feel tipsy like I was hoping... :)

But I did have a great walk and talk with Robin. Since she is a doula we talked a lot about inducing and birthing and bodies, etc. I think that I'm leaning toward changing the induction date on Tuesday the 3rd or Thursday the 5th (I assume they won't want to do the 4th). Monday will be too stressful, and it is the only day that we don't have a grandparent staying with us. And 5am is so early, I would rather see if another day we could get a reasonable time.

My mom is coming down with a cold today. Not good. Of course she feels terrible, and nothing she can do about it. I gave her some Activate immune system booster, hand sanitizer, and have been spraying down everything she's touched. I hope the Activate helps. Because if she has a cold she won't be able to come to the hospital (IF I deliver before she leaves) and I really don't want her near Lily or I...it's the last thing we need right now. She can't help it though, so hopefully we will just make sure we don't get it. My brother came today to help with Lily and hang out for a few days, it has been great having all the extra playmates for Lily. He has to leave Friday morning for a physical for his new firefighting job.

My due date is over in 21 minutes. And I'm still pregnant. That feels weird. I really never imagined that would happen, but it time for me to go get some sleep. I'm going to bed. Talk to you tomorrow. Good night.
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So for the record.  I did get induced on that Monday, even though I thought I wouldn't. And once I held my 6lb 2oz baby in my arms, I never regretted it for one second!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

16 months

Wow. A month since I last posted.

I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. An itty bitty teeny tiny light. But a light nonetheless. On Tuesday, I felt like I wanted to blog for the first time in a very long time, that's a good thing, right?

So 16 months, as the header, that's Bryson's age today, if you didn't know.

I'm almost ready to say 1.5 years instead of just one. I can't believe it .  He has like 6 teeth coming in and is a drooley snotty monster who eats all of our perfectly cared for board books.  A monster who says "I love you" and gives real kisses now, but a monster nonetheless.  His love for Mickey Mouse has gotten stronger, and Gma helped that out by bringing him a MM that is the same size as him.  We put an Elmo diaper on Mickey yesterday and I think the kid almost exploded.  We are in the stage of throw yourself on the floor tantrums.  Unlike the big sisters before him, it doesn't infuriate me when he does it.  I often have to turn away to hide my laughter.  He's been taking great delight in eating yogurt, closing his eyes and really enjoying it as you shovel it in.  FUNNY.  His vocab has expanded exponentially in the last month, there isn't a word you can say that he doesn't repeat.  Today the kids and Julia skyped with Bean-Bean and so Sabine got to hear him SAY Bean-Bean for the first time.  How lovely! :)  He said Uncle Matt to Uncle Matt the other day too.  Skyping is NOT easy with the little guy who sees numerous buttons to push and is NOT okay with the fact that they are not there for his pounding, but Julia discovered that the high chair is the perfect place for him to skype! :)  Little guy also got his first black eye this month, running with a cash register in his arms over a pile of pillows. 

Addie had an allergy test on Tuesday, it was her annual one, a couple of months late, because that's the way things have been going around here. She's had a few exposures to milk in baked goods lately, accidentally of course. We sit with Benadryl and Epi-Pen in hand, with held breath, but no reaction. So we were hopeful, that we would get the results we did. Her milk allergy showed up negative!! After 3 years of it being considered severe anaphylaxis. She hadn't had any accidental milk exposure for 2 years (at which time she vomited profusely and was instantly covered in hives). So a cookie at school and some break with Grandma and Julie with no reaction left us hopeful. On Wednesday she goes in for a 6 hr food challenge where they rub some milk on her skin and give it to her to drink in small increasing increments, 20 minutes at a time, monitoring her vitals the whole time. We are encouraged to bring chocolate syrup because a kid who has never tried milk might consider it quite yucky! :)

Lily is playing Tball and really loves it.  She is quite good too.  You know, for Tball.  Lawrence is coaching and the two of them have really enjoyed some special bonding and growing together.  Her bangs are grown out now, and she got her ears pierced with her Grandma.  She has taken VERY good care of them, and still cleans them twice a day.  I was a little bit disappointed to miss the big event (they did it while I was at work) but I was thrilled that Julia got a video, and my cousin, Rose reminded me that while I didn't share that memory with her, she will have that special memory with her Grandma Carol and wouldn't I have loved to have that with my Grandmother.  So true.  Lily is growing up so fast and is becoming more and more of a beautiful and mature young lady.  She is a DELIGHT to spend time with, and is such a big helper around the house.  When she found out about Addie's allergy test she picked her up and carried her around the house.  She was so excited that LILY might as well have been the one who might get the chance to taste Ice Cream for the first time.  It was so sweet.  Here is the video of her ears:






I went to a women's retreat with my church to Cannon Beach last weekend and it was amazing.  I was reminded AGAIN, how much God loves me, no matter where I am at in my life, no matter what I am struggling with, no matter.  I don't have to do anything to get this love, I don't deserve it, I don't have to work for it, it just is.  It's hard to wrap my brain around that, and I can only imagine a sliver glimpse of it through the love from my mother and the love I have for my kids.  I went for a run on the beach and it was just amazing.  The waves, Haystack rock, the music in my headphones, God's love surrounding me, the majesty of the oceans.  I wish I could start every single day that way.  Except for my old aching knees.  Seriously, my knees think they are 90.  I have been working out since Feb 1.  I started with a 30 day Shred, and have continued with other Jillian Michael's workout videos mostly, we are an accountability group of about 7.  We started off as a group of about 20, but there are still 7 of us working out every day with scheduled days off, checking in with each other.  It is an eclectic group of strong women in my life and I'm grateful for it.  Lawrence and I ran a 5K with a college friend a few weeks ago when his mom was here visiting.  It was really good, I ran the whole way finished in 33ish minutes, a 10:55 mile pace which surpassed my goal of not walking and finishing under 40 minutes! :)  A great accomplishment. 

Work has been unbearable, so my wonderful husband, my beautiful kids, a few friends, exercise, God, and faith that things will get easier one way or another has been getting me through each day.

I want to come here more.  I want to feel like blogging.  I want to feel like writing and documenting the feelings that I have.  But that's not where I've been, that's not what I felt like.  So for now, I will come here when I can, when I feel like it.  Share what I want to, and not feel guilty for missing the past 5 months of stuff I've missed.  I'm learning a lot about myself, how much I can handle, and letting myself off the hook when I need to.  I really celebrated a good day on Tuesday.  In fact, this week has been the week first in 75 days when I won't meet the workout goals that I set in front of myself for the week, that I "only" workout 3 days this week, instead of 5.  As I took a long hard look at what motivates me, I realized that might mean I'm doing better, I've been clinging to exercise and the daily endorphins it brings like a life preserver.  It is something I can control and improve when everything else seemed to be unmanageable.  So does that mean not working out and eating 77 individually mini pastel wrapped Reeses Peanut Butter Cups is a good thing?  SURE!  That's what I'm going to tell myself anyway...


These feet
These Eyes
These Smiles
Make my world go 'round

Monday, March 14, 2011

15 months

My baby boy Bryson is 15 months old today.  Oh, my, how there are barely words to describe him. 

His newest love is Mickey Mouse, he says "Mick Mow" and it is probably the cutest thing my ears have ever heard.  I handed him a plate shaped like Mickey last night for dinner and he held it and stared at it with a beaming smile.  We also went through a hand me down bag of clothes from a friend and found Mickey Mouse pj shirt.  Wow.  He couldn't have been more excited and has worn it for the last two nights.  He got mad when I put his sleep sack on because he couldn't see his Mick Mow anymore. 

Other loves, Elmo ("Emmo") & Donald Duck ("Duck Duck") & Thomas ("Mum-as"). 

He loves running up the stairs, slamming doors and gates, EATING, bonking his forehead on things, giving hugs, getting the broom out of the pantry and finding my full cups of coffee on the counters edge with the handle, reading books, eating books, his monk-monk, pushing buttons on toys that make noise, over and over, music, dancing, hugging soft things (so hard in fact sometimes he needs to lay his body on the couch, chair or floor to hug it enough), going outside, dada, ada, mama, lila, & DUlia (not in that order), pulling hair, brushing his teeth.  He talks all the time, and points.  I remember thinking that boys talk later than girls, but that is not the case.  He can say a lot of words, and imitates many of the things that we say, but it's a family joke that his favorites (BY FAR) are "uh-oh", "mo" (more), "Buh-Bye", "wa-wa", "monk-monk" and "Dulia!".  Actually every word he says has an exclamation point behind it.  He knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go after it with all the weight of his body.  He turns into a loose noodle to fall through your arms and through a tantrum on the floor (usually pretty short lived if you just walk away).  But man, sometimes you shut the bathroom door or take away his tooth brush and he'll cry like he just lost his best friend.  His big sad eyes and open mouth cry, always make me smile and scoop him up for a cuddle hug. 

Jeez, it's been so long since I blogged, I could write a full and funny blog on each of those loves alone. 

He is just now getting his 5th tooth, on the top, just to the left (as you look at him) of his too middles.  He gnaws on everything like a beaver, so many of our perfectly kept board books from Lily and Addie have the bindings chewed to shreds by this book loving fool. 

Favorite Foods: Bananas ("nana"),  ground turkey meatballs, chicken chili, carrots, peas, raisins, blueberries, toast, cheerios, Hot Dogs ("ought dog!"), water ("wawa" - I think he thinks all drinks are wawa),  graham crackers.  Who am I kidding trying to make a list of favorites?  This kid will eat almost anything you put in front of him.  He seems a little oatmeal and yogurt-ed out, but I think that's just because he prefers to feed himself - and he ate A LOT of both of those in the months before and after his first bday.  He likes to try and use a spoon and fork, but gets frustrated when he can't get the food into his mouth.  Putting him in a high chair means the rest of the family goes into high gear getting things done, like emptying the dishwasher and opening the pantry, things that he does not allow for when on the loose. 

I DO mean, on the loose, he is a maniac.  Into everything, climbs everything, destroys everything.  He's a lot like Lily was, so I guess I'm still not buying the boy vs girl thing, but I know that lots of people told us that baby Lily was a lot more boy than girl in her tendencies.  The only difference was there was only one of her to contain.  So for Bryson, we try very hard not to tell the girls the reason they can't play the games or beads or blocks or anything they want during his waking hours is because of their trouble making little brother.  But, they sort of know.  When we are doing a puzzle or playing a game, Addie will let out a sigh of dispair when he wakes up, knowing it is the end of her fun. 

Little People is a family favorite because we can all play with them, make a city, ride buses, helicopters, car washes, but the girls still get mad because they like to set up their scenes just so and get their guys in line for a bus, but Bryson has other ideas for their people.  We do our best to divide and conquer and rope off areas of the house for them to have some space from the littlest member of the house. 

All in all, Lily still REALLY loves Bryson, Addie's still kind of on the fence about him.  It's more of a love hate, she is still really rough with him and usually does pretty mean things to him.  To be the adult in the house with just the two of them, is the hardest dynamic.  All three is better than just the two.  Addie just cannot stay off of him, and if you distract one of them they both want in on it.  If you hold one of them the other comes and headbutts or pulls the other's hair.  It's awesome.  When they do get along (like they did in the bath last night.  It is GREAT.  I hope it's a sign of things to come.  At this age, Lily loved Addie more than anything on this planet, so it's tough that 15 months later, Addie could still do without her brother.  We keeps warning her that she better be nicer.  He is only one pound less than her, and once he is a little more steady on his feet, he will CRUSH her! And we might let him:)

He's taking 2 naps a day some days, 1 nap other days.  He drinks one bottle of whole milk before bed, warmed, even though he doesn't need it.  I stopped nursing him at the end of January and I still like that before bed cuddle that he comes with a warm bottle of milk.  He talks himself to bed, mostly pretty easily after that, with a sleep sack and a cuddle with his "monk-monk". 


As for me, things haven't been easy, I just can't seem to get a grip on all the overwhelming responsibilities I have, all that I want to be and do, and do so in a good mental space.  But I'm working hard on many fronts to be happy and present with my little guy.  With all my little guys.  These kissable cheeks sure makes it darn hard to stay down.  His many faces, his many moods, his funny quirks.  His infectious energy, and wonderful hugs (turned headbutts)....I could not love him more. 

Muah.  I love you buddy!
I can't believe he is 15 months old.  Be still, my heart. 

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Wordless Wednesday - This Year

Bryson this year...






One Year
Eleven Months
Ten & 1/2 Months
Ten Months

Nine & 1/2 Months
Nine Months

Eight Months
Seven & 1/2 Months
Seven Months
Six Months
Five Months
Four Months
Three Months
Two months
One Month
One week
One hourThe most precious moment - meeting you

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

One




He's one. My youngest child is already a year old. How can it be? Insert all cliches about where the time is going, my baby is growing up, etc.

I adore this little man. How is it possible that you can have enough love in your heart for each of your children? I don't know. And to love each one more than the next? It's something I think about daily, because sometimes I honestly can't fathom how there is enough love to go around, but there just IS. And it's amazing.

I was standing in my living room this morning with my early waker on his big day, and looking at the Christmas decor and Hanukkah banner and Birthday cards cluttering up the mantle. And I just soaked in all that we have to celebrate this month. Who cares about the stress and the busyiness and the gift buying. We have SO much to celebrate! And so it will be for us every December and we should be nothing but filled with gratefulness.

Since I have been such a slacker about Bryson and his accomplishements over the past two months, I'll give a run down on all his newest tricks. He is full on walking now. He started taking steps around 10.5 months and by 11 months was stepping consistently. He's always barreling forward so he was falling a lot because he didn't take the time to get his feet under him. But now, he has his balance and he walks everywhere. Still full steam ahead. I call it the monster walk because he puts his hands above his head and is usually babbling or shreiking and waddling like a little monster! It is so precious. I know the days will be here soon enough when he had steadier footing, so I'm soaking in this wobble monster.

He has four teeth. Two tops, two botttoms.

We MADE IT!! As I nursed him this morning I thought, OH. MY. GOSH. I made it to a year. Now, disclaimer that we've been supplementing with formula since 2 months old and in the last month I've stopped pumping at work and only nurse when he wakes up and goes to bed. Add the recent cold he's had where he can't breath and such at the same time so he has to stop every 2 seconds to breath, and I'm pretty shocked that we got here. About 3 weeks ago I told Lawrence I thought I was done. He said, for the record, he would still "call it" a year. He knows me too well. I was happy with that, and have been actually really at peace with being done or not. I mean, given that at 5 weeks old this time I thought I couldn't do it any more when he had colic and RSV. Then at 6 weeks when I gave up dairy until 6 months (how in the heck did I do that! seems like another life time, honestly!) I just never, ever imagined I'd make it to a year this time, and even though I supplemented him with formula more than my other babies, this is my hardest accomplishment. So I'll be proud of that. I don't know why one year is so important to me. I know lots of moms who go longer or less or not at all, and I have NO judgment about them, but when it comes to myself, I think it gives me a sense of being my best for him, or being tied to him, needed by him. I'm not sure, but it was important to me, and I didn't think I would make it, and I did. So woo-hoo!

I'll report back later today with his stats from the dr:

October was by far Bryson's worst sleeping month since newborn. I don't know what was up but HE WAS. Then November has been like one night a week he wakes up for no reason. He is always up for 2-3 hrs. It's kind of brutal after 8 months of sleeping through without exception. But I won't complain. He still takes two naps, usually a long morning and a shorter afternoon. We enjoy it, but since he and Addie are on opposite nap schedules, we DEFINITELY look forward to one nap by both of them at the same time and the oppotunity to leave the house occassionally without worrying about somebody being cranky for missing a nap! Although I will admit, I love to volunteer to stay home while Bryson sleeps, and the rest of the family goes out to do something fun. These are my occassional peaceful moments.

The big question everyone asks: So is it a lot different having a boy than a girl? Those of you out there with 3 boys are just drooling with delight to hear stories of destruction and broken limbs. Waiting for us "all girlers" to cross over into boy land. Well I hate to disappoint, but so far, not much different. He doesn't even pee in my face. Maybe because he is so fat he has a hidden penis. Sorry buddy, (he asked me not to blog about that). He is a lot more adventurous but actually less so than Lily was at this age (she, I was told behaved more like a boy in her early years, as a no fear climber).

One of my friends writes a great blog thread called "my girls never did that". She has 3 girls and a boy as her youngest. And she photographs and notices the cutest thing her now 5 year old does, so different than her daughters. I love the idea, and most definitely can't wait to start notices the differences. I think most of the differences are because he's the 3rd, and not because he's a boy.

His big fat padded feet are so kissable. I still dread that one day these will become man feet. And that day is closer now that he is walking. IF I could stuff his feet in, he would be in a size 5 or 6 shoes, but so far he hasn't worn anything but Robeez, size 18-24 mth. This is also his size of clothing. I have a feeling shod-ding him is going to be an issue.

We had a birthday party for Bryson on Saturday, we just invited 2 families and Lawrence's parents were here. It was a house full, but just perfect. My friend (and photographer) Christina came over to capture the day, and it was AWESOME for me not to even pick up the camera. She sent me the sneak peak pictures above. (www.ChristinaGilchrist.com).

I made Bryson a giant cupcake, idea from my friend, Nancy, and it was perfect. I'm glad I have the mold, though I have a few ideas of what I would do better next time. Nancy said that would happen! :) Bryson loved playing in the frosting and eating the yellow cake. Since Addie had a milk allergy, and I didn't know about cake mixes with no milk, she didn't get the first birthday cake smashing. SO I THOROUGHLY ENJOYED THIS ONE. I just love it. I know it's a mess and it's hard to clean up, but seriously, I love it, something about a first birthday cake being devoured and making the ultimate mess just makes me happy. :)

The girls love their little brother. Lily is so good with him, she could be a little mommy. It reminds me of a certain someone I know and her sweet baby brother, Matt. Just wait Bryson, when you are getting ready to go to college and you have 3 mommies telling you what to do, and watching out for what is "best" for you, you are iiiinnnnn trouble! :) Anyway he and Lily have a special bond, and anytime I feel guilty about things Lily could be missing out on because she HAS TO STAY AT HOME ALL DAY FOR HER SIBLINGS TO NAP, um, I just have to look at all she has gained by getting to be his big sister, and any guilt or doubt about what is best for her just melts away. Addie still commits random acts of violence against Bryson but he is starting to hold his own. She is genuinely a lot more loving to him and even this morning said, "Happy Burstday, Bwyson, you are one today" when she saw him. Then she kissed his back. The three of them have moments of all playing well together and it is just awesome. Bryson looks for them, adores them, cries when it is time to say good bye before they go to school.

Bryson and our AuPair, Julia have a very special relationship as well. She is so at ease with him and he took to her right away. It has been nice for me, at this age when separation anxiety is sometimes at the max, for me to have someone else that he feels so comfortable with. I realize that isn't something I had with the girls and it has been a source of comfort for both me and for Bryson. He definitely loves her, and when she comes downstairs in the morning, he says good morning to her with the sweetest hug.

At one year Bryson has more words than either sister did at a year (hows THAT, for a BOY!?). He says, "nigh-nigh" (my favorite!), "ba" (ball), "ba" (bottle), "bu-bu" (bye-bye), "ma-ma", "da-da", "ad-da" (all done), "Mo" (more), "ha" (hi-said into his hand or any other object as a phone). We do more and all done in sign language, but he would prefer loud screaming and yanking off his bib to get his point across. So far he doesn't have much use for the sign language. :)

He knows where his belly is, he does "so big" and "touch-down" with his hands when you say it. He points at any and everything he can. He says "da" as to show you where and what he means. He claps when you start singing "If your happy and you know it", or if you say "Yay!" to anything. He LOVES to clap. He knows how to hug and kiss. He likes to pull hair and glasses. A LOT. His go to cute move is to put his head down on someone or something, your shoulder, the floor, a pillow, a stuffed animal. It ALWAYS gets the same genuine response from everyone in the room. "Aaahhhhhhhh".

Bryson has made our family complete. He has set us all in a tailspin of unbalance and craziness. The little guys outnumber the big guys. We've had to put our priorities in order in more ways than I can describe here. We changed our entire thinking about how "things are supposed to be" in order to make way and room for this son in our family. I am forever grateful for all those changes. I believe in God's grace more than I can ever describe because I go to bed each night with it cloaked over me. I thought I had a few things figured out before Bryson came along. In fact, before each of my children came along. And I was reminded of who isn't in charge. That would be me. Thank you, Bryson, for showing me that my ability to give love is multiplying, that I can do anything I set my mind to, in the name of love, and for making me giggle with delight each and every day.

My friend, Sarah, the infant chiropractor and LLL Leader in Florida who helped me get to where I needed to be to "fix" Bryson's colic (thus giving me the second half of my maternity leave back for which I will be forever grateful!), sent me this quote the day after he was born. I forgot about it and found it yesterday while looking for something. It's so very true. Bryson's laugh and smile touches me deep inside and I do feel grand because of him.

‎~If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite, something that makes one feel aware of God, one need not go far to find it. I think that I see something deeper, more infinite, more eternal than the ocean in the expression of the eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle. ~ Vincent van Gogh

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Make a Wish

Yesterday was a good birthday. Another Year Older. The bookends of time I had with my husband and my kids surrounding the insanely busy day at the office, were really nice. I got like 150 facebook birthday wishes. Jeez, it's like all people need is a reminder - complete with my picture, and a free & instant way to tell me happy birthday, then they are all about it. I felt loved. And some people said some really sweet stuff.

In the morning I got a nice Columbia sweater and jacket from Lawrence and the kids. There was no mention of cleaning devices as a gift. Lawrence and Julia gave me cards that had beautiful words that brought tears to my eyes. My children painted picture frames with Julia and she included a picture of me with each of them inside the frame with their name on it, it was an awesome gift. Julia gave me a book called "Mommy Grace - Erasing your Mommy Guilt". Given my last blog post, and after reading a few reviews on it, I just can't wait to devour it and learn a little something. Sabine called in the morning from Germany, it was a sweet pleasant surprise, and again, I felt myself holding back the tears. I got some other nice cards in the mail from my friend Robin, Sabine, my mom, and my in-laws. MY MOM got me a card and gift ON TIME. Unheard of for her, therefore so appreciated. I know it's hard. My friend Carrie put THIS link on my FaceBook wall, and I watched it again and again and again, laughing hysterically! She also sent me an ecard that said, "Sorry you didn't get the card that I can't remember if I sent". That made me laugh because I have felt that way more times than I care to admit.

Worked wasn't easy, full of frustration, but I had a great lunch and talk with my good friend Lynnette at the office who shares my birthday. Neither of us had time to leave for lunch, but at 2pm we just decided to go because we deserved it and wanted to give ourselves that lunch date. I also got to skype with my brother for a few minutes. He is at Camp Shelby in Mississippi waiting to deploy next week and it was SO good to see him and talk to him. It made a really wonderful break in the day. I miss him. I left the office at 5pm and didn't get out of downtown until 5:40, traffic was so bad. I wanted to cry because I left in time to get home by then.

But then I got home. And my birthday was awesome again. Bryson crawled toward me quickly saying a version of "mama" and smiled big at daddy and Julia while he rested his head against my shoulder after I'd picked him. I LOVE when he rests his head on my shoulder and hugs me. And then he pulled my hair, just because he loves to do that too. Lily made her and I matching necklaces, out of what appeared to be shoelaces, beads, and a key-chain ring - complete with a J bead for me and L bead for her. Can't wait to wear it. :) The kids and Julia had made me a yummy German Lemon Cake and Lawrence had left work early to shop for and make my favorite dinner of steak and mashed potatoes. After NOT getting my candles blown out on the first (or second) try, I had a little help from Lily. We ate our dessert and got into jammies. I nursed Bryson and put him to bed, then read to the girls and put them to bed. I thanked God for my wonderful family. Everyone went down perfectly. I called my mom because I knew she was probably waiting to call me, not sure when bedtime would be over, and not wanting to interrupt.

I collapsed in sweats and cuddled with Lawrence. It was a perfect birthday, minus the stressful work day - but even that was made better by Matt & Lynnette. I felt kind of emotional as I soaked it all in. I was glad to soak it all in. We'll go to dinner this weekend with a few friends to celebrate, it's been a few months since we had a date night so I'm looking forward to that. But we'll go after everyone is in bed so I can maximize my time with the kids. No working from home this week or next. boo, that makes things harder! Bryson is still getting up at the crack of dawn, but it is 5am rather than 4am, so we have progress. Update re: bad mom. I'm not one, I know, and she hasn't said it again, even though she would be entitled. I do miss them right now, but they are happy and loved and they are okay. And they are insanely excited to see me each evening, if only for a few minutes before bedtime. And that feels bittersweet.

Yesterday morning, Lily asked me what I would wish for. I don't remember the generic answer that I gave her, something like, I already have it all right here in front of me.

Then I really thought about what I would "wish" for on my birthday. For some reason it took on a deeper meaning than usual as I mulled it over much of the day. What do I wish for? Like in my life? So I jotted a few things down about what I really "want".

1. I want my children to feel loved, really really loved, like I do from my mom.
2. I want to stay married to Lawrence for my whole life and to model a realistic loving relationship that I would proud for our kids to seek in their own spouses.
3. I want to make a difference in a lot of people's lives. I want to be thought of as someone who truly cares, not just someone who goes through the motions of caring, or someone who doesn't care at all.
4. I want my friends to feel like I understand them, and I want them to feel validated by that. I want them to understand me, and love me as I am.
5. I want Matt to come home safely in a year. I want to remember to send him a lot of packages so he feels loved and thought of.
6. I want to love in a way that makes people see and feel God's love. I've seen that, felt that, in a few people, and I want people to see that in me. I want to be so full of love that His love overflows on to those around me. For those who don't feel close to Him to believe that He isn't about judgment or rules or hypocrisy, just about Love and Grace.
7. I want to be debt free.
8. I want my friends who are are grieving and in extreme turmoil to feel peace. To have some rest.
9. I want to remember to always to look at my blessings and my strengths, rather than be discontent in my circumstance and wallow in my weaknesses.
and
10. I want to be up to date on blogging, scrapbooking, and photo organizing. I want our life and their childhood to be fully and wonderfully documented.

When I look over this list I see 2 things, besides the fact that it sounds a little sappy. One, a lot of the stuff on here talks about love, that means I'm definitely on to something. Two, #10 is probably the most difficult to accomplish, maybe even harder than paying off the house! :)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Six Years


My Dearest Lily,

Today you turn six years old. I have been a mama for six years. With each passing year, as I say your age aloud, it sounds hard to believe, but six just sounds so much older than five. I mean, you are now old enough to take children's cough medicine with a doctors orders. I remember when you were such a baby, Kindergarten and six years old seemed like a lifetime away, and it was.
Oh, my big girl, how I love you.

My biggest regret is that I don't have more time every single day for just you and I. You are the easiest of the bunch and you love your siblings more than I ever could have hoped for from their biggest sister. But it does mean that my time alone with you gets cut short. We have so much fun together. Crafting, cuddling, talking. I love it when you come ask me for some cuddle and talking time. I love it that you often choose that over an activity or a book. When I was pregnant with Bryson, you wanted to lie in bed and talk about our baby that was coming, rather than have a bed time story. I love talking with you. You, sweetheart, have some very important things to say, to wonder about.
I can always think of ways I could be a better mama to you. Sometimes so much so that I don't see that I have anything to do at all with the amazing girl you are. But if I credit myself for even the smallest portion of who you are, I am a huge success. This is because you are incredible. You are kind. You are thoughtful. You are conscientious.

You are so intelligent. You are loving and compassionate. You are fast. You are strong. You are healthy. You work hard. You are helpful. You are careful. You are caring. You are beautiful, inside and out. You are independent. You are a teammate. You are a daddy's girl. You are a mommy's girl. You are brave. You are well-behaved. You are well-spoken. You are a leader. You are imaginative. You are creative. You give and receive love so freely, but on your terms. You never fake it. You are genuine.

If I would have made a list of all the things I would have wanted you to be by the time you were six, you are all of them and more. I am humbled and awed by that sentence I just typed. I can't think of one trait, one characteristic in a child, a daughter that I would have wished for that you are not. How in the world did I get so blessed? I don't know why God chose me to be your mama, but I think Him every day that He did. Every single day, I think that I come up short of the mother you deserve. But you are lucky. Because every single day, I rededicate myself to being the best mama I can be. You forgive me every time I ask, and I try to always remember to ask. You are always surprising me. Sometimes it's because you are smarter than I expect and sometimes it's because you are piecing together the way the world works better than I can image, and sometimes your will for things to be your way is so strong that you cannot be budged. While that's not always convenient for me, I hope that as you take shape into the person you will be come for your whole life, you keep your strong will, the one you've had since birth, and put it to use for greatness.

Right now you are starting to read, you're good at soccer, you are growing your bangs out, complex math and fractions comes easy to you. You never count on your fingers, and roll your eyes because counting by 2's, 5's, or 10's comes so easy to you. You love having the right answer in class, and you usually do. You love your teacher, Mrs. O. You are fun to play games with, and you are very good at games made for kids a few years older than you are. Your siblings love you. Bryson would follow you around all day and laugh at all the things you do. He thinks you hung the moon.

I still remember your first birthday, five years ago. Daddy wrote you a letter. I have it somewhere, I'll post it if I can find it. You got a Marlo Thomas CD and we danced and danced to Free to be You and Me before you went to bed that night. It's mind blowing how long ago that seems, and yet how vivid I can remember every detail of the night. How I can taste my exhaustion, how I can remember my love for you. Dancing around the living room, with you over my shoulder, laughing and resting my cheek on your purple polka dot feetie pajamas.

Sometimes you act weird. I'm sorry, BUT YOU DO! Like company will come and rather than say "Hi" you will roll around all of the floor on your back. What is that? Okay, so if I would change one thing, that might be it. Oh, and EAT faster!! You are the slowest eater known to man. I'm worried that once you have lunch at school you will come home every single day starving. STARVING because you just got your lunch bag open and it was time to clean up. You like to talk and not eat. You need to learn to do both. But not with your mouthful of course. I would never endorse that!

We will have pancakes for dinner because that's what you want. Daddy makes such a fun pancake dinner that you just love having that. I'm not much of a pancake eater. But you and Daddy have changed that, because everyone eats so much and so well, it's hard not to be on board for that for every meal. You have become a decent eater, you used to be much more picky, but you have grown up some in realizing that you must eat to get dessert. Cause and effect. Reward and punishment has always worked well for you. You need to know what you have to do to get something and what you will earn if you do something.

You have a tender heart. You cry and cry after watching anything on TV that has any conflict. You get so worried for people. So we watch a lot of Dora and Sesame Street and Sid the Science Kid. We read "The Giving Tree" a while back and you fell apart because that boy took everything the tree had. Things make you really sad. That's how I am. You got that from me. Sometimes it will be frustrating because you will cry and feel sad when others don't. But mostly it's a good thing. Your heart feels things just a little more than everyone else. Good and bad. So when it's good it's good and when it's not, it hurts more. But it's really feeling. You really feel things.

You have graduated to a larger scrapbook of your own. The first one that isn't a spiral bound sketch book but a real 12x12 book. It's a little more expensive, but you really do have the idea of how to make themes for pages and always ask someone to journal in a corner of something you dictate. I love that. Again, wish there was more time to do such things together, without the risk of little brother and sis coming along and destroying.

You LOVE to laugh. And you love it when anyone else laughs. If you could bottle laughter, you would. You never want it to end. Even to your own detriment. From your reaction to things it is obvious that you just love the way it feels when other people laugh. Then you say silly things like, "why did you laugh when I said that?". You are always wanting to get to the bottom of things.

Your big brown eyes are gorgeous. Everyone who meets you likes you. Even though sometimes you give people a run for their money (like you AuPairs!). You mostly like to do the right thing, recite the rules, ensure that others follow them, and teach people things. But you are stubborn and that doesn't always go over so well for you! But not usually to your teachers. They always say things like they wish they had a whole class full of Lily's, or that you are the only kid in class they could trust with such and such a thing, or that you are such a helpful kid to be around.

Lil, I could write for 10 more paragraphs. There is so much I could say about you. So much I love about you. So much about you that drives me absolutely bonkers, but I wouldn't change you a bit (like you would you stubborn little thing!). I remember the first time you looked at a picture of me and you together and you said, "Mama" as you pointed to me. It hit me in a different way that I am someone's mama. Like for the rest of my life someone will look at my picture and know that I am their mom. It's hard, even now, to wrap my head around that.

I loved the day I married your dad. The day I graduated from college. The day we bought a house. The day I moved across the country by myself. Those were all milestones in my life. They changed the course of my life. And I love things that came after you, too. Addie and Bryson bring me as much joy in my life as you do. And the interaction of the three of you is worth your weight in gold. The love you have for them and they for you is something I could have never expected to expand my heart so much. That I would love watching other people love other people, and that just that act would make me love them all more for it.

But October 14. That's the day that truly changed me. That's the day I became a mother. The day that I was forever more concerned with something on the outside of me, than something on the inside. It's the day that will continue to define the changes in me through the years. It's the day that has developed friendships, and bonds, and understanding in other people, other mothers, parents, in ways beyond what I could have imagined. And it's the day that changed the love I have for your Grandma Lanie - I finally get it. The importance of the day. The importance of your day and why it's my day too. Why my day is her day too.

Today I celebrate you, my beautiful little baby girl. But I also celebrate me, and the day that I became a mommy. The most important job I will ever have, the most rewarding love I will ever feel while on this earth. Thank you for being a daughter who fills me up day after day with hugs and kisses and love. I will forever be proud of you, and thank God for giving me you as a gift.

You are amazing,
Mama


Related Posts:
Five Years

Friday, September 17, 2010

Welcome Blake William Powers

It's a boy!
Josh and Shawna and big sister Rachel, welcomed a new baby boy to their family.

I had the privilege of taking Rachel and Shawna's mom Becky to the hospital to meet their new little guy. Oh, I really could have wept (and to be honest I did, just a little) at the happiness and joy that filled the room as soon as we walked in. Wow. Watching Shawna experience loving her kidS! Watching Rachel love cautiously on her little brother. Awesome.
It just never gets less amazing. How small and new they are. How beautiful they look. How precious that newborn rooting is. Blake is so perfect and small and sweet. It was awesome to hold him and swaddle him and stare at him.

You know there is a reason that women come into your delivery room and share stories of their own births and their own babies. Because ALL it does is flood you with emotion watching this all happen for a family you care so much about. It is absolutely breathtaking. It's the reason it is so hard for women to decide they are done having babies. That newness and incredibleness (probably not a word but should be) of a baby just hours old is beyond words. BEYOND WORDS. My head was swirling with wonderful thoughts the whole drive home.For those of you who like stats, he was 7lbs 8oz and 20.5 inches, born via natural birth at 5:02pm. Shawna's water broke at 4:04am at home. She is feeling great and didn't need any pain meds. Blake was already latching and nursing great. Blake's middle name, William, is after Josh's dad, who passed away last December. He lived with Josh and Shawna for nearly five years and was a big part of their and Rachel's life. Below is a picture of Grandma Becky admiring her new Grandson. Grandma Linda is likely going crazy in Iowa right now, looking forward to her chance to love on this perfect little man!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Hodge Podge from the bus...




I'm on the bus and am going to once again attempt to write and post a blog via text message. The last time I tried this, I wrote a lengthy post and hit send and it disappeared into cyberspace or wireless space or however the heck that all works. I'll be smart this time though, I will save a draft, just in case.

Bryson turned 9 months on Tuesday and I'm trying not to feel guilty about the fact that I didn't get a post/letter written. And I didn't take his photo with the dog. In this last month he has started to eat a lot of finger foods, still no teeth and is cruising up a storm. Due to our vacation, his minor cold there, and having a very high fever last week it was his worst sleeping month since month 3. But he is all better now and back to sleeping through the night and up at 5am, champ that he is. He is so super sweet and cute, I can barely stand it. Several times a day, you look at him and his smile makes you want to die with love for him. He looks at you like he is seeing you for the first time in weeks and he is genuinely SO happy to see you. He is pulling up all over and getting into everything. He laughs all the time and he will wrestle you to the death if you want to change his diaper. If you don't make a game of it, he will cry, but if you kiss his belly and play peek-a-boo and make funny faces, it will take twice as long but he will be happy and squirmy rather than mad and squirmy. He has taken quite well to our new AuPair Julia, and it has been good for he and Addie to have some quality time while big sis Lily is at Kindergarten. Since I didn't get pictures with him next to the pink dog ON his 9mth bday, and there is no way I could do it 2 days later, perfectionist that I am, it's just not the same, I'll just tell you he seems to weigh about the same, with a face and tummy that is slightly thinner, maybe from all the crawling and walking. Damn I wish I got that dog pic for comparison sake.

Tuesday was also my sister-in-laws birthday and while I thought of her all day it wasn't until 7pm my time and 10pm her time that I finally got around to calling. In my head I thought about a post I could write to her, a picture of her and Bryson I could find in order to pay tribute to them both, but it just didn't happen. Addie had some weird tummy issues that turned out to be nothing -but appeared to maybe be a hernia - and I was coordinating her first day of preschool and pediatrician appointment. Sorry Laureen. I promise it is not an indication of how much we love you! Oh, and your card is still not sent either. Shootie. Damn again. And I wanted to post another REAL first day of school pic, but the ones from her first day meeting her teacher and seeing her classroom, will have to do.

My dear friend Jeanine lost her dad Jack on Monday night. He has been in hospice care at home for a few months and has hung on to his well-lived life for years longer than any medical professional could have predicted. I don't know the exact timing of all the events in his life but I think its been a year or so since he decided to decline further medical intervention. Ever since I met Jeanine, 12 or so years ago, he's been threatened with "no possibility of making it through another case of pneumonia" due to severe lung deterioration. I bet he's had pneumonia every year since, at least once, and he's always pulled through. Thirty or so years ago, he fell through the ice while driving truck in Alaska. He was seemingly rescued by an angel because no one knows how he got there but he woke up in a hospital bed, after being submerge in the subzero Alaskan waters. God had great things for his life, and he's spent all the years since then living life to the fullest, while on oxygen. Including giving my friend the daddy she so loved and deserved, a great man who showed her such unconditional love, taught her much about life, and kissed her wounds. For several years, he's also spent every day after school with her two children, getting to know them, and passing on his wisdom and love. Over these past few years, I've learned a lot from Jeanine. She is so humble and kind, and she and her husband have sacrificed unselfishly for her parents. She is a reminder of what a good daughter does, when her grown parents need her. These last weeks, when they were sure every moment was close to the last, Jeanine spend so much time with her mom and Jack. She sat and held his hand and talked to him, and she changed his diapers. And now, even though there is relief among them that he is in Heaven, breathing easy, pain free for the first time in a long time, it still hurts so bad to let go. I think she thought she should be more prepared, you know, because it's been such a long time coming. And in a way, he's seemed nearly invincible, beating the odds every time. It's not easy to lose someone you love, even if you know it's coming. You just can't prepare yourself for it, no matter how hard you try. I'm hurting for my friend, and I want to do more to help with all that has to be done. At a time when people deserve to grieve and sulk and do nothing, there is always so much to do, so many details to take care of. Only one state separates us, and I just want to go and help. Be with her and let her be weak for a minute giving her the strength to be strong again. If you live in Boise, and can help with organizing or cleaning or moving, or funeral arrangements, or printing programs, anything, please let me know - as I just want to do anything I can to help them. In the meantime, I'm left with sending text messages and having abbreviated phone calls and loving pep talks. I feel guilty that I can't find a way to be there for her.

When I hear her sobbing, it puts all the other stuff in perspective, though. All the minor worries and troubles with this or that.

Like the fact that I signed up for way too many volunteer things at Lily and Addie's schools. Lest I forget, I am a working mom. A working mom with a flexible job, but a working mom, just the same. I got caught up in the sign up sheets and the moms putting their names down for lots of slots. I was excited by the pep rally about how essential we parents are in the learning process, and partnering with the teachers, and I wanted to be in the class room, seeing, learning, helping. But it was way too much stuff. And way too much right away. Like I signed up to bring some play doh for Addie's class, the make it at home kind. At her school you are required to do 10 parent volunteer hours. I thought making play doh with Addie would be fun, and we could do it at home, on our own time. Except that it was due TODAY, and you had to like, buy ingredients for it. So I humbly sent an email to Mrs. K saying that I'd terribly underestimated my time commitments this week and could I bring later in the year. AND OF COURSE I NEED TWO MONTHS NOTICE FOR SUCH AN ACTIVITY. You can't drop a bomb like making the play doh I volunteered to make just 7 days before it's due. The nerve. Heh.

And then Lily's class. Oh my. So, they need classroom moms to come. I said I could do one Friday or Tuesday a month. Those are the days I work from home and school is out by 10:40. I'd heard that if you sign up for the Library, you go for 30 minutes during library time, and that would be my perfect lunch hour during working from home days. Except that I guess I didn't make the OR clear. Tuesdays OR Fridays ONCE a month. So now I'm on the schedule tomorrow from 8:20-10:40 AND on Tuesday from 8:20-10:40. So tonight at BACK TO SCHOOL NIGHT I have to humbly bow out and ask the teacher if it is a problem for me to do one day a month, and skip this month all together, because have I mentioned that I've already had to go to the pediatricians office TWICE since school started. And I have two more well child visits in the next month for Lily and Bryson? And I just can't ask for more flexibility with the work that there is to do at work hanging over my head. There is no end. There are a reason lots of moms don't work at the office. Being a mom is a full time job. And I have a full time job too. Two full time jobs. Both which require a lot of effort and hours and planning from me.

I know I can do this. I will work it out. It's just that sometimes I'll have to be less. And find a way to be okay with being less. And I can't feel guilty because non working moms get to sign up for once a week when I can "only" sign up for once a month. And when I don't make a call or send a card or show up to clean for a love one in need, I just have to be okay with my own limitations. I need to bring the circle back, reel it in a little closer.

Only do what you can do.

I give that advice to my friends like it is going out of style. But somehow I just can't expect less from myself. I give those words to my own ears, and I believe, with every fiber of my being that I can do more. Be more. I honestly believe that I can. But then sometimes I just get so extremely tired. And so I've been mindful to meet those needs too. To go to bed an hour earlier. Facebook less. Say no to a coffee date that I'd love to have with a friend. Say I have to go on the phone, or don't answer at all if I can't talk. Last night I got home, scarfed dinner, put Bryson to bed (Bathless AGAIN), played Pet Shop with the girls, put them to bed, did day 10 of my "shred" and I showered and I loved my husband and I went to bed. This morning I WISHED I'd gotten the coffee ready, and laid out my clothes, and laid out the girls clothes, and wrote a check for the book orders, and filled out the book order form, and made Addie's snack, and filled milk cups, and loaded my pump and bottle supplies, all last night. But instead I went to bed and rushed around this morning and it all worked out. I got to the bus, so did Lily, and Lawrence got to work, and the girls hair and teeth were brush. It worked. It always does. And then I got pediatrician appointments made - so what if Bryson's is 10 days after his 9 month bday and in the middle of his nap time because that's what's available. And Lily's is a month and 10 days after her 6 year birthday and the day before Thanksgiving (BUSY!!!) because that's what's available? So what, in the whole scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. That is no indication of the kind of person or mother I am.

So I'm giving myself a break in the way that I know how. I'm putting things in perspective as my heart bleeds for my dear friend left with a big hole in her everyday life. I'm devastated and sick for my other friend, Julie, who is losing her battle with cancer. I'm apologizing to the people in my life who don't get the attention they deserve from me on the day they deserve it. I'm continuing to work out by habit and blog by habit and read my bible by habit because those things DO truly feed my soul. And if that's the me time I can fit in, that's pretty good, because those things mean a lot to ME. But if I miss a day, that's not the end of me, I'll simply come back when I can.

It seems like mothering and living to me, is often the daily reminder that I must recommit to do the best that I can, with the best attitude I can, and not to do more than that. I must re-prioritize again and again, and worry less what people might be thinking of me. I must leave emails unanswered, sometimes for days at a time, because babies need holding and taxes need filing and financial statements need preparing. I must be smart with my time and with my money. I must complain less and rejoice more. I must remember to let God's love flow through me so that the people in my life feel that Love, without question. And with a heart like that, no matter what else happens, I really can't go wrong. I won't please everyone, but isn't it just an audience of One anyway? This isn't the first time you've heard me say these types of things, and I promise it isn't the last. The to-do lists and the guilt changes tasks and topics but it doesn't go away. It is never finished. And this here blog, is how I process it, this is where I post the goodness of my life, the greatness of our family, and this is where I say 'out loud' that I will do better today, and that even the doing I'm doing now, before doing better, is still doing pretty good.


And for the record, no, posting via text message from the #&%$#%&%&#@!@#@!# bus did not work, AGAIN, not at all. Longest waste of time and battery, do not try that at..uh..public transit. Luckily I did have it saved in drafts on my phone so I could re-type from there rather than rethinking this whole post up again. But can you believe I typed this whole post on my phone, only to retype on my computer and re-post again? ME NEITHER! Oh well, it was too crowded and wet on the bus to read even...so it killed an hour of commuting as I organized my thoughts and prepared me for my positive and productive day...