Winds of change

Things will be changing again today.

I'm tired, and overwhelmed, and excited, and scared, and nervous, and sad, and happy.

I'm even a little superstitious I think. On the day Sabine arrived, Lawrence lost his job. On the day Tamara started as our nanny before that, I broke my foot. Both knocked us off our feet for 3 months. Pun intended. Heh. I'm downright scared of getting a new person to care for our children! :)

Julia comes today, I pick her up tonight at midnight. Sabine will still be here until Tuesday. Five more days. It's bizarre that this year went so fast. And what a year it was.

We lost a job, and got a job, and had a baby, and made it through a pretty life changing year. Nothing earth-shattering, but hard and different and great for us, nonetheless. It's nothing that hundreds or thousands of people aren't going through right now. And we had this girl, this young woman, who arrived, and lived with us, and experienced it all with us. Typical American life? The ups and the downs. She knows us. She KNOWS our kids. She was an extension of us and our love, discipline, and even frustrations with them. And at times, with each other. She was easy and kind and respectful. And she loved us. And we loved her. Love. Past and Present.
And future.

And now things will change.

A new girl, a young woman, is coming today. And she is going to experience the ups and downs of this year with us. We don't even know what they are yet. And I'm sure we will love her and she will love us. She will come to know us and vice versa. And it will be totally different, and totally great, and another chapter in our life.

With this change comes uneasiness for me. I'm happy about it, I'm sad about it. The beginning of one thing stems from the end of another thing.

And on top of it all I've got a lot on my plate. So I'm a little overwhelmed. To give you an idea. As I said before, Julia arrives tonight, tomorrow I have financial statements due to Mr. Gates, who, you know, just invested a lot of money into my little company, then I will food shop for the parties I am throwing this weekend. Yes, plural. On Saturday, my brother, Matt will arrive, we will prepare for Sabine's going away party and Julia's goodbye party. There are 29 people expected. At my house. Which is, by the way, messy and covered with smokey and sandy laundry from camping last weekend and swimming this week. And toys and towels and WEEDS in the backyard. On Sunday, I will say goodbye to Matt and then host a baby shower for my friend Shawna, together with her mom and another friend. On Monday, it's back to work for me, where the hardest worker in my staff is on vacation for 2 days. Tuesday I take Sabine to the airport at the crack of dawn. And somewhere in there I will get to know Julia and teach all the ways of the Herman house and family. And I haven't added Bryson to the handbook, yet, but I should since he requires the most time and effort. Other than Addie who has been nearly impossible as of late.

So my blog is run-on. And my heart is excited and sad. And my party might not be in an immaculate house. Or in a weedless yard. And the food might just be the basics. And the baby shower games might be played on regular paper rather than fancy paper. And the brownies made from a box. And the gift bought on the way. And I will meet my work deadline somehow, I always do. And Julia will be great, the kids will love her, they will give her a hard time at first, but they will love her. And Sabine's family can't wait to see her again. And Matt will be okay. And he WILL come home. And I have some of the best friends and women in my life, family too, some who live far away and support me no matter what. Who let me have that big long cry I needed to have on the phone rather than in their arms. And isn't it fun to be at the other end of THAT call. And, oh yeah, there is a vacation planned this month.

So if I can just make it one week. Things will settle and I can "relax".

And at the heart of it all, I have my Lawrence, my Lily, my Addie, & my Bryson. They are the faces that make the winds of change more carefree and full of hope of happy days to come.

When it rains it pours

So many times I wonder how much more we can take. Not we the Herman's but "we" as people I know or sort of know or pass on the street or ride next to on the max. Bad things are continually happening to people. And it's hard to see or care other people's struggles as we look so closely at our own.

But not for me.

I feel and worry and obsess about the pain of other people. I mean I really FEEL other people's pain. I wonder how I can manage to complain about my own difficulties in my wonderful life while others are suffering losses and pain that I pray I will never know.

As you know - the blog world has led me to Heather, and Sally, and Anissa, and Jennifer. I've also found a new friend in Margaret. There is something about reading about the raw emotion and pain each of these people are going through that almost brings me to my knees with sorrow, but also with gratefulness. A busy working mom shouldn't have time to think about these things, especially when I have so many friends in real life who rely on me. But I do. And I don't know how to change that about myself, and I guess I don't really want to either. Of course I read funny blogs too, like Lindsey and Kristin and Mommy Spills. Not every day. Not every week. But I find a connection with moms with lives outside of my own. There is a connection of strangers who relate to each other and who are open to share their lives...

One of my new blog friends lost her newborn son last year - and she is raising her two daughters - and working through a marriage - all while figuring out a life of constant grief. I could see a change in her voice as she started to be open to the possibly of joy for this holiday season, after suffering swine flu while mourning the one year anniversary of her son's passing. She made a decision that she was ready to stop feeling so bad and find a way to feel better. At least some days. And then her husband lost his job. And not just her husband. Her father and brother in law and their good friend. All lost their jobs as of Dec 15, a large part of their support circle. I'm crushed for her. Not because I know how hard it is when a husband loses a job emotionally and not because they have to worry about keeping a roof over their head instead of what gifts to spoil their girls with. But because WHY HER? WHY NOW? She was JUST getting back on the road to positive mental thinking. And I'm worried about her spirit being crushed. I'd like to think that this is nothing compared to what she has already endured but at the same time, I wonder if she just wants to curl up in a ball and give up. I don't know her, but I don't think she'll do that. After all, she's got two beautiful girls to get up for each morning. She's got a son in heaven who needs her to put one foot in front of the other each day. I just wish, with my whole heart that she didn't have to worry about her husband's (and FIL and BIL's) job right now. She writes her story because "every life leaves something beautiful behind", and she does a really good job of honoring her baby boy while working through how to outlive your child.

And I think, we only had to worry about one lost job and an unemployment hearing, and it was only 2.5 months, and we are SO so so lucky. We made it through this "disaster" and it while it was inconvenient and stressful, it was also just that. It did not happen while I was trying to keep my heart in my chest. We kept our spirits up and it was the only thing on our plate that was a loss.

I think about how Nancy endured Ryan's injury in Iraq, just 4 years ago. How she held on tight to hope, never gave up, wrote his story beautifully, and now has an amazing life she could have never imagined. How her friend Dena's nightmare started a year ago, losing her husband Rob to the war, an incredible man, and how she is doing her best, making the best of it - because that's what you do when you have 2 little girls depending on you. Her faith is inspiring to me.

These women, wives, mothers, daughters, have captured my heart. I have never met them, but I care about them. I'm not sure what purpose it plays in my life. I'm not sure how I am put here to help or encourage any of them. But I am sure that I'm not wasting my time or my heart, caring about them and praying for them.

I've told you how my good friend Robin lost her brother almost two years ago. And how I've mourned with this beautiful family as they struggled. Now Bronson is being honored in the Rose parade this year, the two year anniversary of his death, because his lost life gave life to 6 strangers. ~I also have to mention my friend Kim, whose baby Julia is the light of their life. Their plans were changed forever when they found out at 20 weeks about her heart condition, plus many other complications. But here she is 6 months old, and they got to see a smile. Kim's positive attitude and faith also amazes and encourages me. Last year at this time, Kim and I sat at a baby shower brunch as she told me her biggest worry about life with 3 kids was how she could continue her morning run with all three of them. How life has changed, and what a blessing Julia is, as she is, as long as they get to keep her.

God gave me a very big heart. And He gave me a very blessed life. And He blessed their lives too, even in their tragedies, He gave them a story to tell, a legacy to carry on, a too-short-life's memory to honor. So each day they wake up and they carry on, one foot in front of the other, until they remember their blessings and they get a little skip back in their step.

For whatever reason, every step of their journey is beautiful to me, and I am blessed through their struggles. I wish that these were not the circumstances for them, but they are, and through the world of blogging, they are touching lives. Ones who can relate so closely and so dearly, and ones who can't. People like me who are more grateful every day, thanks to them.

What is blessed? It's the ability to count your blessing. It's being able to look at the good in your life even during the hard times. It's remembering the goodness that surrounds each of us.

Thank you ladies for being amazing and beautiful and inspiring. My life is forever changed because of the things you have endured. Thank you for sharing your stories with me.

A job!

For all of you out there who have been hoping and praying for us, we have good news. Prayers have been answered, Lawrence was offered a job yesterday! It was two months to the day since he was laid off from his old job, and almost a month since unemployment was cut off...so it couldn't have come a moment too soon.

We are refreshed by what this means for us.

While the position isn't his dream position, right now having a job is a dream position. And it looks like this might be the company he will be with long term, and one he WANTS to be with long term. It is with a company that he temped for 6 years ago (see never burn your bridges and always do your best, because you just NEVER EVER know), and he saw them at a job fair 3 weeks ago. They remembered him and have talked with him a lot since then, they were thrilled that he was available, because they could really use him for the company's future plans...plans that could come to fruition in six months or so! For now they have offered him a labor position and he plans to take full advantage of the learning opportunity. The idea of not sitting behind a computer for a few months is also appealing to him, and he is a very hard worker, so manual labor is just fine with him.

Lawrence's persistence and attitude in all this has really shown me something about his character and his dedication to our family. Not that I didn't know it before, I DID! But he is a man of real character and I know this was an extreme trial for him. My prayers (and many of yours) were answered that we both had the strength to get through this with a positive attitude and as a happy family. Yes, I had the meltdowns about the no milk and sure he had a few off days too, but I'm so proud of him (and us) for how we handled it all. Our last two months were certainly not ruined by this.

Work is not usually fun, and times are hard, and we all wish we had more hours in the day and more money in the paycheck, but this has taught us that we will be grateful for our jobs, what they afford for our family, and what is really at stake when we look at not having them.

I work for a great company who has been so awesome over the past 7.5 years - allowing me now to be a mother and a manager. I think this shift, this stress, this turmoil, was just what we needed to allow change for Lawrence, to work for a company where he will find integrity and opportunity, and and all-around enjoyable atmosphere where he feels valued.

For that, I am grateful. He starts on Monday! Hooray!
Thanks again for all the love and support!

Mom's shouldn't be allowed to get sick

Or maybe I should title this...Don't Cry Over No Milk.

I felt it coming on for a few days, the sore throat and runny nose. But I ignored it, took my vitamins vigilantly and attempted to get enough rest. Both girls were sick all last week with a cough and a cold - so sleeping through the night was nonexistent. Thursday morning there was no denying it was here, and by Thursday afternoon I could barely make it to the evening. Friday I felt terrible. I HATE being sick.

So while working from home Friday, when I went downstairs during lunch time to find out what all the hub bub was about between Lily and Sabine, I found out that we were out of milk. And butter. And bread. Sabine didn't realize this before she made Lily her wish of Mac n Chz. So Addie was sitting there happily with her milk-free mac noodles and ketchup (gross I know but she LOVES it), and Lily was crying on the stairs being mean to Sabine that there was no milk. FINALLY after I reasoned with her (and figured out that the milk problem was about actual lunch and not just her wantign a glass of it to drink), she decided she would accept a PB&J instead...oh but there was no bread either. Crap. Crap. Crap Crap.

This should not have been a big deal. Lawrence was running to the store that afternoon to get some staples and dinner supplies for the week. My brother left that morning after staying for a night passing through to see the girls, so Lily was particularly sensitive, and really, to her, it was the end of the world that there was no milk. And every time she pulled it together, she would look at my with her big brown eyes welling with tears. "But Mama, why don't we have any milk? I really need some milk" voice cracking and falling apart.

If I were a rational person, I probably would have just run out (in my pjs with no bra and unbrushed teeth or hair nose dripping-hugely pregnant state) and got the milk, so life could have gone on. But instead, I sympathized with Lily, comforted her, and finally sent her to her room until she could pull it together because she could not stop whining about the milk situation - and I couldn't help her. As I dug in the fridge, I coulnd't find anything else for her to have for lunch either, and she needed to leave for school in a half hour. Sabine finally remembered that we had some of Addie's milk free bread, which at $4/loaf is normally off limits to the rest of the family, we made Lily a PB&J using that, and then I gave her my water bottle with Lemon Sustain powder in it as her special drink. All was okay.

I apologized to Sabine that there was no food in the house and went back upstairs to work.

But instead of working...I. Fell. Apart.

I cried and cried at what a failure of a mom I was that we didn't have enough food. I cried because the State of Oregon Unemployment department are assholes. I cried because hormones are raging through my body and even though it wasn't rational, I couldn't stop crying for hours. Was there enough money in the account for milk and bread and butter? Of course there was. Did that matter? Not to me. For some reason, not having enough food equaled complete failure and demise of the family. So not rational, but unless you have been broke and pregnant at the same time - you may not judge. Even after Lawrence got back from the store and the fridge was full again, I would start to cry again each time I thought of our state of milklessness that morning. I felt sorry for Sabine for getting such a terrible family to live with. One that would allow all the milk to be drank. I cried again. And again. Every time I thought about it. More tears.

My friend Carrie suggested maybe I skip Women of Faith, which I had a free ticket to that night. She thought I needed rest, and I didn't consider it because I knew I needed the "me" time to be uplifted and encouraged and drug out of my deep dark hole of not having milk in the house.

For the rest of the weekend my voice and head was so stuffed up, mostly because of the cold but the 4 straight hours of crying couldn't have helped. I went to WOF that night, but looked like I had been beaten up from all the tears and nose blowing. I went in a brown velour jogging suit/hoodie outfit, so I really dressed up for the occasion. It said to wear comfortable clothes on the website, and I was so numb from all the crying, I couldn't bare to put on a piece of clothing that restricted me in any way. Unfortunately there was a bomb threat and the Rose Garden was evacuated and shut down - before I even got in the door. I didn't really even mind, just a little disappointed and I was happy to get home early and up bright and early and go again on Saturday morning. The day was amazing. I was uplifted and encouraged. My mom was at our house with Lawrence, he and the girls had a WONDERFUL day everyone with great behavior. And while I drove home Saturday evening and I thought about "that time that I had fallen apart over milk" it seemed like a million years ago, not yesterday. I even smiled about it - back when I was so crazy and hormonal that I even cried about not having bread and butter! HA! That girl...(insert head shake and eye roll).

I have to be thankful for two of my friends who "got" me, Jeanine and Carrie. I know they both felt helpless and a little worried but they got me. And to my husband and my mother in law, who did not really get me, I'm thankful that they both helped me too. They were there for me, and they comforted me as best as they could, Lawrence - not sure why it even bothered me because he was going to the store in a minute? and my MIL not sure if we were really THAT broke - and could she send me money to buy milk? or what? How could I be helped?

Sometimes when the damn breaks and the flood gate of emotions come...you just have to go with it. You have to allow yourself to feel that something is the end of the world, even though it isn't. You have to look deep within yourself and understand why a silly little thing equals failure to you. And then you have to look back and smile and love yourself that you care so much about a silly little thing. And if you are really really lucky, you will smile and look back only a few days later. If the perfect storm is brewing in your emotional life, a good cry is the only thing that helps.

This weekend God reminded me that he doesn't love me because I'm perfect, he loves me because I'm me. He wants me to let go of these problems to show that He is bigger than anything I could ever worry about. He has plans for me that I can't begin to imagine, and He will not allow me to starve! In being reminded (again!) of His love, I looked at my life around me and saw how many other people love me with the same kind of love that God has for us. People who love me not in spite of my weaknesses - but because of them. Those are the people who model God's love for us here on earth. The people that are your safe place, who will not judge for your failings, no matter how silly or large they may be.

To the people who love me because I cry over no milk, I am thankful.

God filling me with Hope

On Sunday night our family said our nightly prayer. We thanked God for all of the things that he provides for us, we thanked Him for giving us each other, we thanked Him for our baby brother. We thanked him for the sunshine and the park and for Sabine. We meant it. In the peace of the moment, we knew that everything we needed was in that room, where we put our daughters to sleep together. No matter what happens with jobs, or money, or houses, or unemployment-we have it all in this family. I wasn't just saying the words of thanks, I was feeling them, and I know Lawrence was too.

It is so easy to worry about "the plan" to focus on the "how" and to fret about the future. We do need the love and support of our friends and family to remind us that it is going to be okay. I realized that a few weeks ago. I've been spending so much time and energy telling my husband and my mom and my mother in law and Sabine and even our friends that it is going to be okay, that it is going to work out. And I realized, I need someone to tell ME it is going to be okay. And in 5 weeks, no one had said that to me. While I don't always share how much, I get so much of my strength from my faith. When you all ask me, how I do it? It is because I believe that God is working in our lives and has a plan for us and that is how I know we'll be okay.

Yesterday I felt very scared because Lawrence's unemployment benefits got denied - so no more unemployment coming in. And things don't work on paper. I sent an email to a few other faithful friends who I knew would pray for us, and who would understand the kind of support and understanding I would need. Those that would help to encourage my faith and my soul. And the response I got was overwhelming. I'm so blessed by ALL the relationships in our life. By the ones we have right here in this house, by the ones with our parents, and our siblings...our family. By the ones with our friends. Even by strangers who read this blog.

So today, I opened my daily devotional, which is emailed to me each morning. It felt like this was written to me and for me. I couldn't better describe how and why God is helping me through this, and so I decided to post it. To help explain me, but also to have it somewhere to reread so that when I feel like I need someone to encourage me, I can remember that God is always there, and that my trust in Him will always strengthen me.

*******************************************

by Gail Rodgers

God tells us that our joy will increase as our trust in Him increases. This is something beyond the happiness and delight or pleasure found in a particular circumstance.

True joy is a deep and abiding assurance rooted in hope. If worry, fear, nagging, or feeling overwhelmed is what characterizes you on a daily basis, you know your trust in God has probably faded and your hope begins to feel slim.

Listen to God’s promise to you…

“May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace, as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” ( Romans 15:13, NIV).

When hope has disappeared off your horizon, check honestly to see where your trust in God is at. Ask Him to increase your faith. Ask Him to grow your faith to believe that…

• He will act on your behalf.

• He will give you strength and wisdom where you are weak and confused.

• He will supernaturally fill you with the power of His Holy Spirit.

• He will increase your hope in Him in every circumstance of your life.

The hope you have in God increases as your trust deepens. This hope becomes an anchor for your soul. It will bring with it a deep source of victory and joy as God works in you and through you to bring His hope to you in your day-to-day world. Depend on His Holy Spirit to fill you with increased faith today.

Father God, I ask today that You will increase my faith in You. I want to trust You with every aspect of my life. I need the power of Your Holy Spirit to work in me to trust You fully for the hope of my future. Help me to move from worry and fret to hope and joy. Fill me today so that I can actually overflow with hope by the power of Your Spirit. Thank you for Your amazing grace in my life. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen

22 weeks!

I have a private blog that I keep for journaling about my pregnancy and for some reason it has been easier to keep up on than my family blog. We are doing so much and I just get further and further behind. I am now 22 weeks pregnant. This is a spaghetti squash and it represents the size of my baby. It is next to a quarter so you can see the relative size.
I can feel the baby kick quite often and am starting to feel a little shorter on breath especially when I'm hunched over, so it's been forcing good posture for me. The pregnancy is going great. I really do love the second trimester of pregnancy, it feels good and very easy. I look all big and pregnant but not suffering the "I'm so pregnant I want to die" or "Please make this end". I actually don't remember feeling that way until the very end. Like the last two weeks. My back gets sore when I do outside events with the kids. I don't know why it is all the bending wrong. Why do I only do it wrong (w/out my knees) when I'm outside? Possibly because I don't have a counter to pull up on. In any case, time is going quickly, and I'm enjoying my pregnancy very much. While there are things about being pregnant that are inconvenient and tiring, I'm certainly not one of those people who hate being pregnant. I really like it, especially after starting show. The whole world treats you special because something really amazing is about to happen in your life. And it is.

In my below post, I mentioned some bad news, and I said (more later on that). I was deciding what exactly to say about the bad news. The news was that Lawrence lost his job on Friday. His boss held on to him as long as she could, but due to the economy, and that they are a floundering small company, and he was the newest employee (of 3 years), he was let go.

So I've had a week now to process the news, and it's all going to be okay. I have brief moments of freak out time, but then I recenter, do not allow a pity party, and take the steps I can to move forward in a positive direction. The rest is out of my control. Some of it is out of Lawrence's control. I will do my job to be a supportive, loving wife, who has one amazing husband. He is also in a great mental place with this. He knows that something better will come out of this, and it will probably involve a few months of struggle. We've already done some cost cutting in a budget where there wasn't much to cut, like reducing life insurance and 401k contribution. We don't pay for cable or home phone, I use public transportation and our nicer car is for sale (though it has been for a while and we have had a few bites-we are willing to downsize that), we are not buying organic foods at the moment and have even been shopping at Winco (ugh) for savings, we've stopped paying debt so aggressively, gotten on equal pay with both power and gas - as well as both living a little out of our comfort zones temperature-wise (me in the winter, him in the summer), heck, we've even invited someone to live in our home, using the house to help pay for our childcare (and a wonderful cultural experience for our kids as a bonus!) any other ideas out there? I'd love to hear some suggestions. Ya know, not wear a sweater in the house or stop buying starbucks (I wish) or stop eating out (HA!) but things that aren't on the top ten nightly news cost savings every single night. Sometimes people don't like to talk about this, but I find it comforting to know we are all in this together, and we aren't pinching pennies alone. I don't feel the lest bit of shame in being a tightwad and actually know I'd be making Dave Ramsey proud, and I HEART Dave Ramsey so there. There is shame in continuing to live outside your means and we haven't been doing that for nearly 2 years, and it feels GOOD. I love Lawrence and I love our family unit, and I love how dedicated we are to making it work, and I love all the lessons we are learning. Interesting how you don't learn much when things are simple and easy and take no effort! :) Anyway, leave a comment of some thrifty stuff you do and help some other mamas out!

That's the update! Happy Friday!