Out of the Past : 40 weeks

As I reflect on the birth week of my middle child, and think back to the days leading up to bringing her into the world, I've been pretty nostalgic.  Today was my due date with Addie.  Four years ago.  I went back to my babysite that I kept as a journal back then, and it was fun to re-read.  Without further ado, here it is. 

40 Weeks Date: 06/27/2007 Today is officially my due date. Here it is at 12:37am and I'm having contractions, strong enough to keep me awake, but not regular enough to get too excited yet. But I figure I will write a little bit and then track the time of the contractions at the same time, then try and go get some sleep by 1 or 1:30. (12:33, 12:37) We have promised Lily a trip to the Library tomorrow (today) for story hour and to check out some books for the first time. She is really excited about it. I'm going to keep her home with me and I keep thinking that if I go into labor tonight, she will be really disappointed (12:40). By the way the times in the parenthesis are the contraction start times, and it is easier to just put it in (plus a great way of saving documentation rather than saving scraps of paper or excel schedules later!). Today Lily asked me about a minivan in the parking lot as we were leaving school, I told her it was Candace's (a little girl in her class). She wanted to know if it was new or old. I told her I thought that it was pretty new, they got it when Candace's mom had Candace's baby (12:43). She said that Candace's baby was already out, but Lily's baby was not out yet. I think Candace's brother is around 7 mths or so. Anyway, she said, "I want Addie to come out, but Addie keeps staying in, she doesn't come out." I thought that was so cute. So my thinking is that Lily will be okay with not going to the library if she gets to see her new sister. Of course, let's not get ahead of ourselves yet. This is just wishful thinking. Today I nested like crazy, all the laundry is done and put away, dishes done, kitchen clean. I went to home depot, office depot, payless, walgreens, safeway, & out to lunch at Sweet Tomato with my mom. I downloaded photos and charged batteries, made a pot roast, walked my fanny off, took Lily to the park, and got everything I wanted crossed off my list. My mom did some weeding in the back yard since it is (12:47) driving me crazy and my husband won't let me hire someone, nor does he have the time or energy to do it. It looks much better. My face looks like a cartoon snowman head today, very round and rosy cheeks. It was hot and I'm feeling quite swollen. I also feel extra weight in my chin and jowls, quite attractive I must say! Since I have some new ones, I will upload a few more pictures, so check out the new album, make sure and leave us a comment, and I will definitely update this with more tomorrow morning when I wake up, assuming I don't go to the hospital tonight. Like I said, I'm not too hopeful for that. We'll see what happens at the dr appt on Friday, but at this point I'm leaning toward not being induced on Monday. It is only 5 days late, and I will decide on Sunday or Friday, but I know I can wait it out a few more days. Again, not putting the pressure on myself, but I think that it will happen naturally if I give my body a chance. Today after all that walking, I can barely walk because the pressure is so heavy on my pubic bone. It has been great having my mom here, I'm getting more done, and she has been such a help with Lily. I can't imagine how hard this week would have been without her, even though I know she would like to get to meet her 2nd granddaughter, she is also so helpful and supportive and really only cares about making me comfortable, and doing anything and everything she can to help with what I need (obviously, since she was out pulling weeds in 80 degrees today!) It also has been nice to just have someone around, rather than being alone all day. I do get very snappy at her, but if (12:55) she could survive my teenage years she can definitely survive my 40 week pregnant bitchiness. It is hard to explain, but it is like the slightest irritation turns to complete rage in about 3 seconds. She was whistling (and she can't whistle) to Lily today trying to get her attention while I was on the phone and Lily was running circles around my legs trying to get my attention. I barely noticed Lily because I am so used to it, but the sound of my mom attempting to whistle at my daughter (not my dog) OUTRAGED me and I went through the roof at her. Jeanine was at the other end of the phone call and said, "WOW, you ARE pregnant!"...Of course my mom and I laughed about it an hour later as I described how annoyance changed to anger so quickly. But I told her I still don't want her to whistle at Lily again, or anyone for that matter, she is a really shitty whistler. :) Addie is kicking around so hard it is hard to tell the start of a contraction pain vs the pain and pressure she is putting on my belly. I wonder how big she is now. My guess is 7.5 lbs. That is a pound bigger than Lily, ouch, I don't want to think about that. My labor hasn't even started yet, and so many factors are different, I keep wondering what birth will be like this time. I pray that it is as easy and as ideal as it was with Lily (minus one small hiccup with a cathader several hours after she was born), but with a bigger baby and possibly faster birth, possible induction, (1:01)so many other things, it is hard to imagine that it will be. It is now 1:03, my last two contractions were about 6 minutes apart, and they were 4 minutes when I started writing. So I'm going to go lay down and see what happens. I'll post it if we are headed to the hospital. And yes Carol of course we will call you, no matter the time. No news from us means no news... ************************************* 7:30pm, getting ready to go on a walk with my friend and doula Robin to talk about natural induction stuff. We went to the library today and had a great time. Pretty exhausting day as Lily didn't nap great, but there is nothing else to share. I might have a glass of wine tonight, Robin said now that I am officially past due it's okay to have one, and it might kick start things. Cheers to hoping it does. ************************************** 11:37pm Went on a long walk & Had the glass of wine. Didn't feel tipsy like I was hoping... :) But I did have a great walk and talk with Robin. Since she is a doula we talked a lot about inducing and birthing and bodies, etc. I think that I'm leaning toward changing the induction date on Tuesday the 3rd or Thursday the 5th (I assume they won't want to do the 4th). Monday will be too stressful, and it is the only day that we don't have a grandparent staying with us. And 5am is so early, I would rather see if another day we could get a reasonable time. My mom is coming down with a cold today. Not good. Of course she feels terrible, and nothing she can do about it. I gave her some Activate immune system booster, hand sanitizer, and have been spraying down everything she's touched. I hope the Activate helps. Because if she has a cold she won't be able to come to the hospital (IF I deliver before she leaves) and I really don't want her near Lily or I...it's the last thing we need right now. She can't help it though, so hopefully we will just make sure we don't get it. My brother came today to help with Lily and hang out for a few days, it has been great having all the extra playmates for Lily. He has to leave Friday morning for a physical for his new firefighting job. My due date is over in 21 minutes. And I'm still pregnant. That feels weird. I really never imagined that would happen, but it time for me to go get some sleep. I'm going to bed. Talk to you tomorrow. Good night.

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						So for the record.  I did get induced on that Monday, even though I thought I wouldn't. And once I held my 6lb 2oz baby in my arms, I never regretted it for one second!

Out of the Past: My Panties are Too Tight

I was planning to win a blog contest this week. A new washer and dryer were at stake. Yes. All I had to do was blog M-F this week and follow a series of blog post topics that they suggested. I was excited because the first three blog topics were about bringing back 3 old blogs. First, your first "real" blog. You know the one beyond saying, Hi, this is a blog, I'm not really sure what to write about. The second was to find an old meaningful post that you wish more people read - add some reflections on how you feel about it now, and the third was to repost your blog with your all time favorite blog title.

Since I "blogged-but-didn't-call-it-blogging-because-it-was-a-baby-journal" with babysites.com for 2 years upon finding out I was pregnant with Addie in 2006, I occasionally log back into that and find some real gems. A while back I called these posts I reposted "out of the past", named for one of the newspaper columns my mom invented at her paper, and has been writing weekly for as long as I can remember. I haven't been in my "past" for a long time though. It's password protected because I wrote it more like a journal and I shared info about things and people who I knew did not have that password. There was also always way TMI. That's also true with this blog, but now I'm comfortable with it, and I've always written this with the openness that anyone could read it. Unlike my babysites.

So (run on sentence alert) in the blog contest that actually started last Monday rather than this Monday so I missed the whole thing (FAIL!), aka I will not be winning the beautiful Turquoise W&D set that was up for grabs, I still did a lot of thinking and the 3rd day blog topice with my favorite blog title would have been the babysites I wrote titled "My Panties Are Too Tight".

I wrote this post on 9/4/08 after I'd broken my foot. We'd just returned from a wonderful vacation, Addie had just learned to walk, and I'd just found out that I couldn't walk or drive for 6 weeks (which turned into 8 weeks at the next dr appt). I'd also been told that if I stepped down on my foot even once it would mean I'd need surgery because the broken bone was so small and fragile, one step would do me in. That would lead to a do over and restart date in my healing.

A few weeks ago, I was put in touch with a mom who has 3 kids, same age as mine, her oldest is named Lily (she's been the "other Lily" in my daughters school for the past 2 years.) We've hear a lot about each other since our girls had the same teachers, but we'd never met before. She has two girls and a boy, her youngest is 8 months. We have a lot in common. Today I just saw on FB that she broke her leg in three places and had to have surgery. No walking for 8 weeks. The past just flooded me. When I went to go find her a blog I'd written here about how bad it sucks, I realized that most of the foot breaking blogs were in the protected babysite, and since I was going to post this one any way for the contest I can't win, I'll do it now. Enjoy. And appreciate your two working legs.

Without further run on ado:
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9/4/2008
My Panties are Too Tight

I started the day out with a pretty good outlook. One of my friends is going through a tough break up and her heart is broken. While talking her off the ledge I was thinking about what it feels like to have a broken heart (knowing all the advice I was giving I would NEVER have taken, tho my last broken heart was 10 year ago so maybe I would now take that advice at 30). Anyway it got me to thinking. I keep saying, "this is just a foot, not a life, I'm not in a coma or have cancer, it's a small bone". But then after talking to my friend I remembered that even a broken heart takes years to heal, and how I wouldn't trade with her for the world! At least I know when this pain will end.

In other good news we have figured out help for the next 6 weeks. During that time I have 3 weeks of mornings on my own, but at least I have care for my kids during the day, thanks to Susannah (my 11yo cousin), Tamara (new nanny), my mom, and Lawrence's mom, we are covered until Oct 14...Lily's bday. That sounds like a good day to be able to move! Now I just have to coordinate drop off and pick up of Lily for school some of the days, and how do I get her ready to go if I do find her a ride.

My triceps are the most sore today, the bruises on the palms of my hands are a close second, then my foot, strangely enough.

My friend Robin called today to tell me she was bringing me coffee and cookies tomorrow. I told her thanks but I need bread and Tampons instead. She said she'd bring both. :) Oh yes, in other great and too much information news, I started my period yesterday too. My cold that I acquired on the plane ride home from our wonderful vacation is feeling better today tho. Could vacation really have ended just 5 days ago? It doesn't seem possible.

So let me TRY to describe how I'm feeling at the end of a day. The feeling I have is like when you are out and about and you realize you wore panties that were too tight. Like WAY too tight, you can't-believe-that-you-actually-convinced-yourself-that-these-fit-when-you-got-dressed-this-morning kind of tight and worse, you left for the day in them, they are cutting into your inner thigh like two rubber bands tying of fat leg sausages, and they are riding up your crack so far you can barely sit still during a meeting at work. There's no chance of digging them out without fully taking your pants down, and it's no use, they are just too too small. When you get home you come up the stairs to your room, your mouth watering at the relief of being without this terrible restriction, you kick them into the garbage, and look for the softest, t-shirt like sweatpants to wear all night, commando.

That's sort of how I feel when I come up the stairs in this freaking painful restrictive air cast. I'm so pumped to get home and take it off, only to realize that's NOT happening. And I have to wear it for 7 weeks 5 days more! And I feel this way several times a day, waiting/excited for relief, realizing I can't have any.

Today was Lily's first day of school and I had to go. Highlights were getting out the door, hitching a ride, taking her potty, sitting in preschool sized chairs in a preschool sized room trying to not trip everyone with my foot and crutches, or worse tripping a toddler on to my foot equaling surgery, and staying an hour past everyone else, waiting for our "ride", only to realize he didn't have a car seat for Lily.

Yeah yeah, I am comedian, but just dealing with this the best I can.

Wheelchair gets delivered tomorrow.

***********************************
After talking to my new friend, and remembering so vividly how hard it was to get through that time, I am reminded today to not complain about things because I have a healthy body that works perfectly today (even if it is pretty sore from Kayaking with Lawrence yesterday). That, and I'm thankful that my panties are NOT too tight.

2 years ago tonight, I wrote...

7/1/2007 - (5 days after Addie's due date)

I guess we aren't having a June baby. Today is Addie's last chance to come on her own, otherwise we're giving her some help tomorrow starting at 6am!

I didn't sleep much at all last night, maybe from 2-5am, then Lawrence and my mom tried to let me sleep this morning, but I couldn't. So I finally got up. Last night I was having a lot of pain and movement, but no contractions, this morning I woke up with contractions that are pretty strong. So this is my bodies last try to get Addie out all on it's own.

Today my mom is leaving and we are going on a picnic at a new park with Lily, something special for the three of us, enjoying our last day of this family of three. That's another thing I have been so emotional about, in gaining everything that comes with adding Addie to our family, we are also losing something that has been very dear to us for the last three years. Again, it's not a bad loss, it's a happy loss. But it's still okay to mourn it a little. Especially for a hormonal, sleep deprived, crazy pregnant lady with a misbehaving terrible two running amok!

Of course we didn't finish everything we wanted to yesterday, so there are a bunch of minor errands to do today, and lists to make to do in the next few weeks so things like bills and license plates and credit card adjustments don't slip through the cracks. If anything does, it won't be the end of the world, but it made me uneasy and unsleepy last night thinking of it all, so at least if I have it written down somewhere to come back to when I can, it will help me relax I think.

I will write more later, but for now, if I'm not sleeping, I want to go down to have bfast with my family, and spend a little more time with my mom.

We will take Lily to Josh and Shawna's around 5, BBQ there, and then leave early enough to wrap things up and home and get to bed early. We have to be at the hospital at 5am, leaving here around 4:40am, so I need to make sure and get some rest. I'm mad at my brain for not letting my body take advantage of my last morning to sleep in for months. I'm not surprised tho, that's just the way it is. I'll get a good nap today though. More later...

***********************************

8:57pm

Thank you all for your warm wishes and prayers. I can't tell you how much it means to us. Everything is done and ready to go. I'm getting ready for bed and hoping to get a good night of sleep. Lily was so excited to spend the night at Rachel's she didn't care when we left. I cried like a baby as I said good bye to my only child. She just looked at me with her big beautiful brown eyes and made me weep. I love her so deeply I can't imagine being a whole person if she wasn't born into my life. I am so blessed. While praying for/with me tonight, my friend Jeanine thanked God that He trusts us with the gifts that children are. I wept thinking of how truly thankful I am. Thank you God for trusting me to be a mother, it is an honor, and I can't believe I am about to be able to do it again. When you look at this miracle in that light, nothing else matters, no fears, no disappointments, no selfish worries. I get to be a mom again tomorrow and I can't wait.

Again, my heart is overflowing with love for all of the amazing people in my life. Thank you. Please continue to keep my family in your prayers tomorrow, and be thankful for your own family.

I'd also like to thank my mom, who had to leave today, without meeting Addie. Thank you, mom, for putting up with my moodiness, and for doing so much around our house to help out, inside and out, while also giving us our space, and for making Lily's week so enjoyable. She had a blast with you. We love you so much!

We love you all!

Jenny, Lawrence, Lily, & Addie

Out of the Past: Valentines Day

Since everyone loved this year's letters, I thought I would do an out of the past blog, last year we each got home made cards with poems on them from Lawrence.

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2008
Lily,
Valentine's Day and you are hoping for some treats
As a big sister and daughter you are very sweet.
Always on the go with games, books, and crafts
You always shine and bring lots of laughs.
Beautiful brown hair and eyes dark as night
Having you in our family feels all right.

I love you so much!
Happy Valentine's Day
Daddy

Addie,
A first Valentine's Day poem from Daddy to you
Your beaming smile and eyes so blue.
Always happy and like to bounce
So much love you share ounce by ounce.
A beautiful addition to our family and home
With hardly any hair you needn't a comb.

I love you so much!
Happy Valentine's Day!
Daddy

Jenny,
A Valentine's wish to a terrific mama and bride
I wouldn't want anyone else but you at my side.
As beautiful and bright as the day we met
But now we are much deeper in debt.
Blonde hair, blue eyes and always working on plan
With you we have the perfect clan.

I love you so much!
Happy Valentine's Day!
Lawrence
*********************************************
2007
We BOTH bought each other Blokus for Vday. We returned one and I got a pregnancy book instead...I was 21 week pg with Addie

Out of the past - February 5

We had a small annoyance with Lily's bedtime last night, and I said something silly, to which Lawrence replied, um, do you REMEMBER last year at this time? Bedtime-wise we were basically in HELL last February, to which we finally ended by putting a backwards locking door knob on Lily's door to show her we meant business as far as going to bed when we put her down. We didn't have to lock it many times, but the first 2 times, she got a warning, and then got it locked, we were in for a few of the worst hours of our life. Within 3 days things were drastically improved and we wished we'd gone drastic months earlier. So my point is just that how quickly you forget in a year. Her getting up twice and quietly saying "mama I don't like night night time" and me saying I know, then she goes to sleep is NOTHING. How quickly a year passes and you can't remember the struggles from the year prior. I thought, I should read some of my babysites from last year and remember to see how far we've come (with a silent house by 8pm). But then I remember, jeez, I've been doing this for 2 years and 3 months, so I would have the year before too. What was I doing then? And I decided to do a little "out of the past", I'm working on some recurring blogs. Mom, I dedicate the name to you! Thanks!
~~
Today
Date: 02/05/2009

Addie greeted me at the door last night in her monkey pjs, smiling big. Lily hugged me the tightest sweetest hug. Addie says buckle when I come in the door "buck buck", so that I will unbuckle my shoes, she tries to help and gets her little fingers in the way of me getting my shoes off, then she comes with me to the bathroom to wash hands, and says "wa-wa". One time when we were drying hands together I said (very excitedly in hopes that she wouldn't melt down at me turning off the wa wa) "Do you want to dry hands with mama?" She nodded and repeated "mama". So this time she gets the towel and says "mama!" really excited (great, it is my name AND the name of what you do to your hands after you wash them). I hate Wednesdays, it's the only day that I don't get to be with my kids tomorrow when I wasn't with them today. But I LOVE Thursdays so that we get to be together for 3 more days. And I'm just so grateful to have a full time job where that is the case.

So I looked back and I found a very sweet post from 2/5/07 and 2/5/08. The one last year had nothing to do with bed time fights but about glorious mother-daughter moments. I was so glad to remember it, and to re-read something I had forgotten I wrote. I had even forgotten I felt. That. Is why I love love love writing about this life.
~~~
Sweet moment
Date: 02/05/2008

Today I was putting Addie down for her 1 o'clock nap, I was rocking her and she was just so sweet looking at me with her beautiful blue eyes. I kissed her forehead and I just savored the way my lips kind of sunk into her soft skin. She closed her eyes and I did it again. When she raised her eyebrows it reminded me of one of those puppies that have too much skin and they are all wrinkley and extra super soft. That's kind of what it felt like, and it was the sweetest thing I ever kissed.

She fell asleep in my arms which does happen too often and I couldn't stop kissing her forehead, I felt like I wanted to remember the way that moment felt and the way she looked just then forever
~~~
2 days!
Date: 02/05/2007

I'm so excited about the ultrasound this week. I'm also excited about finding out the sex, but just looking forward to seeing my little guy or girl moving around and getting the reassurance that everything looks healthy.

I went to a baby shower this weekend and looking at all the little girl clothes made me want a girl, but I want a boy too...so either way, I know we'll be so happy. We had our friends the Rose's over yesterday for the Superbowl. They have 4 kids, and we had such a nice time with them. Lily played awesome with their 2.5+ year old and we just had a great afternoon.

Lily had a few very gross "accidents" over the last few days, and it felt a little more on purpose. But I just cleaned it up and hopefully it was just a fluke, and we are past it (fingers crossed).

We will have a friend visiting from Ohio this weekend, Jay Albers, and Lawrence is really looking forward to it. It is someone we haven't seen for a really long time (well I haven't seen him since our wedding, and Lawrence hasn't seen him since Ope's wedding). In any case, I guess he is coming to meet with a dog breeder in Hood River, then will be coming back in March to get the dog. Not being a huge dog lover, it sounds like a lot of work to just get a dog. But apparently this is a special dog (only bred in HR?) Anyway, we will probably try and show him some fun times, and hopefully it isn't raining!

I will write in a few days to post the sex, and the name (or at least what it would be if the baby was born today).

Lily said she wanted the baby to "be out in a few minutes". Not me, I'm not ready yet...and I'm not uncomfortable enough yet to want this pregnancy to be over. I'm still in the honeymoon stage, so I'll keep hoping time would SLOW down a little.

Can't wait to share news in a few days of the sex. Although I have been hearing lots of stories lately of people who had several ultrasounds who could never tell so I wonder if God is preparing my heart and mind to NOT be able to find out. If that is the case, my planner self will be a little crazy, but I'll just be happy to have a 3 vessel cord, all 4 chambers working healthy in the heart, and everything else measuring on track!
~~
And it was a girl! And it was wonderful.