The fallout

So last week was every bit as hard and grueling as I thought it might be. The week before, while I worked long hours, was better. And I was hopeful last week would follow in the previous weeks footsteps, but it didn't, not at all.

I've hesitated to write a blog. Because I haven't had time to, number one. But also because I'm always so scared of getting judged. There are lots of days I just downright hate that I am a working mom. But I'm also really committed to staying firm in an attitude of not being discontent in my life. To feel blessed by our life, rather than dwell on the things that I wish were different. And USUALLY I can do that. Well. And I mean it, I'm not faking my way along pretending to be happy in a life where I am not. I am happy. I do make the best. But sometimes things just sucker punch you. And for some reason, blogging honestly hasn't been coming to me easily. I'm not seeing the humor in it, I don't have the energy to be witty. At least not for long enough to get it written down.

So last week just sucked. The kids had many bad days where I only saw them for 30 minutes in the morning. Except in the case of Addie or Bryson, where they were up in the night or at the crack of dawn. In my guilt ridden mind, all I could think was that they were trying to find some time with me, time when I was home. So I struggled through the days where I had to be mentally at my best on 2-6 hrs or sleep and on the verge of tears.

Since the first day I went back to work when Lily was a baby, I have always felt like I wasn't enough. Before that, I always excelled at my job. I always felt pretty good about how hard I had worked and how much I had accomplished. I also knew that I was a darn good wife. However, once I became a mom, I just wasn't as good. For the most part, I'm okay with that. I'm happy to be good enough at my profession that my mediocrity is still on par with some people's excellence, and generally, no one seems to notice.

Except, now, my company got this huge investment that requires an annual financial statement audit for the first time in 20 years. The threat of an audit has been dangling for years, for one reason or another, and I've done my best to be prepared for it. And as far as a first time audit goes, I couldn't have asked for a better circumstance. (I won't bore you about the details of an interim opening balance sheet audit prior to the income statement audit after year end, on prior year only, and the generous deadlines they've given on that, but these are good things). Still, it's hard. We've basically hired a Top Company to go through all the detail of all the work, I (or my team has done) since I've started, and find any and all mistakes, or problems with processes, or answer questions about why things have been done such-and-such a way since the beginning of time. Frankly, it's exhausting. Depleting. For 12-16 hrs a driving-home-in-the-dark-eating-dinner-by-myself day. It points out all the weaknesses. That's what it's supposed to do, but it's hard to hear it since many of the "problems" are due to resource or system constraints, so the "how to" fix them isn't easy or straightforward.

At home, each night there would be a report (that I asked for) of who did what all day from Julia. And it was hard not to wonder and worry about why Addie started having accidents or why Lily all of sudden hit Julia for the first time. Bryson also wasn't nursing well in the morning due to teething, a stuffy nose, and his sister waking up to come see what's going on promptly at the moment of nursing, and I wasn't home for his night nursing. So there's that. Lawrence was super great about making sure he was off right on time each day and we did a lot of meal planning so making dinner and caring for all three kids, bathing them, and putting them to bed was *slightly* easier for him. There are lots of weeks where he has to do this one night a week. We decide that if I'm going to miss bedtime, I might as well stay really late and get it all done. But for 2 full weeks, this was ridiculous. And so by the time I finally got home, we'd both worked 2 full time jobs, and we just beat.

By Tuesday night, I honestly COULD.NOT.BELIEVE it was only Tuesday. Oh, and that's the day that Matt finally got on the plane headed to Iraq from Mississippi. He called and we had one last good bye around 7pm. Then he called the house to talk to Lawrence and the girls. And I got to Skype with him briefly, test out his new laptop, and see his new glasses. :) I shut my door after and had a brief cry. It wasn't nearly long enough.

By Friday I was too tired to even be excited that it was Friday. Our audit team was good, but by Friday, I was ready for them to leave, as they were already 2 days longer than scheduled. I just couldn't wait to get home and be with the kids.

Except when I got there, I was too depleted to even be how I wanted to be with them. And I was super mad at myself over that. I can ALWAYS dig deeper, find more to give. And I just couldn't, there was nothing left.

Bryson was so needy and clinging that even when we were at the grocery store at 5am on Saturday (thank you daylight savings time STILL!) he would cry when I would step to the side of the cart to grab a box of cereal off the shelf. I REALLY could not be ONE step away from him. He is going through separation anxiety to the max anyway. But this weekend he cried when I walked INTO the room, fearing (as I perceived) that I would leave it again shortly. Even when sitting on the floor with him, I reach over to the toy box and he'd cry. So I felt myself upset and annoyed as I snuck off to the bathroom, listening to him screech if he caught me. He had a terrible time going down for night and naps. After several weeks of an easy system we had going. All of this swirled inside of me, guilt, exhaustion, depletion. I don't want a moment to myself because I feel selfish for being away from them, even at a time where I didn't chose that.

This pretty much lasted all weekend for me. SO annoying. We went to a restaurant to watch my college football rivalry game, something we do every year, and had planned for months. It was so fun, it felt like everyone who went to either Montana school who lived in Portland was there. Except I just could not relax. I was wound so tight. We took Lily and Addie and Julia stayed with Bryson while he napped. I was worried about them spilling milk and bothering others, and arguing with each other over Littlest Pets. Lily was giving me a bit of an attitude, but nothing that normally would have bothered me. I was upset because even on Saturday, I had nothing more to give. I can't remember that happening to me before, not like that. I just wanted to cry. Then the Griz lost. Stupid Griz! :) On Sunday, my only saving Grace was that there were only two working days this week. But still, even after Lawrence let me sleep in a little, I felt annoyed and guilty, overwhelmed and rushed as we went out to take a family pic for our Holiday Cards and it was so bitter cold that I'm not even sure if it turned out or not. Poor kids!!!

To top off my fail of a week/weekend family wise, I totally forgot to call our niece and nephew to wish them a happy birthday on Sunday. I know (hope and pray) that they know how much we love them, and that our (my...cause let's face it, that's my job) forgetfulness is no indication of how much we love them. 2010 has seriously not been my year for remembering to send cards or call on birthdays. I hope 2011 will be better. It almost CERTAINLY could not be worse. Love you Ty and Cass!! Can't believe you are already FIVE years old.

So in the spirit of trying to not be a complete negative Nelly:
Here Are Some Grateful Things...

• I've never appreciated more that I am permitted to work from home 2 days a week. Even thought the kids are with Julia during that time, I don't have a commute, and I'm just THERE with them, although in another room. Five days a week in the office is exponentially more exhausting and I'm not sure I'd ever full acknowledged this. Some times you ask me, how do I do it all? Well, working from home is a large part of my 'how'.
  
• In the end, the auditors felt pretty good about how we (I) have been doing things. There are some adjustments, but nothing that I don't agree with, and nothing that they wouldn't expect in the first year. This is a great relief to me because when they come in every two minutes every day, I'm just not sure what means what. It's nice to find that, in the end, they were mostly just trying to get an understanding, rather than passing a judgment. It's not clear during.
• The auditors told my boss that I am responsible for a lot of areas and made a recommendation to him that we get additional staff to help me. Whether we do or don't doesn't matter to me as much as the acknowledgment that an outsider noticed this and told my boss. It also makes me feel better about small things that slip through the cracks, I'm only one person. Also, in my own head I always know that I could do more, or do it better, and I guess it was just nice to see that they think, I do a lot, enough, too much. I got some validation there.
• I have this job. Tomorrow I get to go to Addie's Thanksgiving Feast and Lily's 6 year pediatrician visit and then take Wednesday off to prepare for the holiday. This job, and all the stress it has caused me, ultimately has saved us. When Lawrence was laid off last year, we struggled with unemployment, my maternity leave, and he is now in the process of starting over at a new company. We are so blessed that I continued to have a stable and flexible job with good health insurance through that. We have everything that we need, and more.
• That we have Julia. Another great AuPair who LOVES our kids. I sent her an email a few weeks ago, letting her know that when I see her talk to my kids, even when she disciplines them, that it is so obvious that she loves them. You can hear it in her voice and see it in the way she looks at them. We have been through several different child care options in the last 6 years and we KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that this is the best one for us right now. It truly feels like I leave the kids with a family member, someone who is in my home, helping it run smoothly. It is impossible not to want the daily moments back with my kids. To wish that THAT was my stress and my hard days, but since it isn't, I'm just really grateful for all she does to make this family work. Including cleaning up poop and working through proper consistent discipline with a lovely and very strong willed six year old. When I'm working from home and I hear her laughing with the kids or speaking to them. I find myself smiling because of the excellent care she is taking.
• I remembered this week that even though all of the critique, I'm a really good accountant, and as nerdy as that sounds, it was good talking shop with people who knew more about it than I do. I (over)used my brain in a way that I hadn't in a while. And it felt kind of good.
• I have a husband who is my teammate. We both do what needs to be done when it needs to be done, without question. I hate weeks when we are "just teammates" and it feels like there is little interaction between us. He also had a sore throat this week and didn't really feel like talking after I got home. But I know too many wives who would give anything for a good teammate husband like mine. And I'm also glad that when we are just teammates, it is a fraction of what we normally are together, and for that I'm grateful too.

It's Thanksgiving. And I'm thankful. Thankful for all of you out there in my life, those who read my blog, those who don't. I'm thankful for my healthy family and our good life. I'm thankful for who I am, and for who I am becoming. Thankful for a God who will not love me less and could not love me more. Thankful for our parents and our siblings, their health, that we love them and they love us, even when we don't do it just right.

Guest Blogger Melinda: The Send Off

**Melinda is a friend I've had since the 5th grade, she lives in Idaho and works as a High School teacher, where she waits for her deployed husband to come home , they have a 4 month old son, Che. Melinda keeps a private blog, and I asked her to post here regarding her recent goodbye to her husband. I've found it difficult to put into words the feelings I have about my own brother's deployment. Melinda's husband is in Mississippi with Matt and they will head to Iraq together. Because I love her and because of this, I feel extremely close to her right now. She is a gifted writer and I was touched by her words about their send off.**

I waited a week before trying to write this. It's like writing what I saw at a funeral, which you might rightfully question as not a good idea. But it's like documenting my hours of labor. Something important that I went through. That was hard. That I might have to go through again, so it's a good idea to process it for future reference.

Last night, as Juan and I chatted about his three days of leave in November (right before he officially flies overseas), we quickly came to the mutual conclusion that it was a bad idea for me to try and spend his leave with him. Several well-intentioned civilian acquaintances have mentioned that I could go down and see him if I chose, and I feel like a bad wife for saying, emphatically, NO. And Juan agrees. Here's why:

1. Military bastards change their dates all the time. If I had been a blogger at the time I was planning my wedding, I would have told you all about that. The effort and expense of a possible date change would be very bad on my blood pressure.

2. It's expensive, and we're trying to save money. A current dream is to use our accumulated vacation fund to spend an entire summer in Mexico when Che is three. I'd blow hundreds of that money for a few nights down in Mississippi. Not a good exchange.

3. It's not fun flying as a single parent with an infant. Five hours. I don't know this from personal experience, and I have no desire to find out.

4. Juan needs time to bond with his new guys. He went from Delta Company to Alpha Company just before the deployment, which cut off his entire military social support system. He needs a chance to make non-Iraq memories with the people who he trusts with his life. I get that. Go watch a football game together, drink some shots. Pack six guys in a hotel room. All that important stuff.

5. And the big one: saying goodbye again would really, really suck.

One week ago, I came home from a loooong day, with puffy eyes and a bone-tired body. Last Monday night, yes, my last night with my husband for a year long deployment, was spent at parent-teacher conferences. I thought about taking the day off, but in the past, I weirdly have had the luck of getting the stomach flu or food poisoning on that very day, and frankly, I think the parents are getting a little suspicious. So I sucked it up, raced home. Got there five minutes after my mom did. She unpacked, set up on the couch, and commenced the much-needed nurturing.

Juan and I played 'pack the duffel bag' and I don't mean a fun bedroom game. Elsewhere, I suspected, in hundreds of Idahoan National Guard homes, delicious nooky was taking place, but not here. We were finding goggles, batteries, headlamps, mouth wash. Asleep by 11:00.

Awake at 2:30.

On base, I dropped off my soldier and crawled into the back of the Tahoe with my sleeping bag, catching a cat nap for about an hour . . . a nap punctuated by slamming doors of late soldiers and the mass chanting of hundreds of voice shouting, "Go Desert Storm!" No, not that. "Go, Desert Wind!" Maybe. "Go, Desert Kitty Cat!" Who knows. They were like a huge football team before a game.

So I slept. Then drove to the hangar and hung out with him for an hour and an half or so. There were sweet old ladies and motorcycle gang veterans there serving us breakfast burritos, stale cookies, and watery coffee. God bless them! Every time I think that they're doing something corny, I remind myself that they could be cozy in bed. They think that it's more important for us to not feel alone right now, for us to feel loved. What must Vietnam have been like for them to feel so determined to love on us right now? I can't even imagine?

So in a room of high strung children playing in the dead middle of the night, clutching their daddy dolls, hugging their daddies' knees, it started to slowly hurt. I felt that nervous before-a-race feeling from high school. I went pee three times. We chatted about nothing at all. Juan told me the gossip on everybody new - those that I'd likely never see again.

Some politicians wandered in, looking so incredibly polished, pressed, and out of place. No media was there, not that I saw. Must have been, though, for the mayor to show, right? I sound cynical, but Juan's last deployment taught us a thing or two about politicians and their lust for photo ops with troops. Take away a camera and they 'stand you up like a fat girl on prom night' as my husband put it once or twice.

Then they called for the troops to gather in 15 minutes.
15 minutes passed very quickly. Juan kissed me and said goodbye. Turned away happily to his guys. Probably fake-happy -- you do what you can to get through it, I've found. I walked out into the night and suddenly I felt sick, literally like I was going to vomit, which was handy since I was right next to a row of port-a-potties. And I started bawling. Finally, it was just me and the darkness and I could really let it go. I didn't have to be strong, organized, disciplined, supportive. I could just cry. So I did.

Somehow I hadn't thought I wanted to come to this whole goodbye thing. I thought I'd kiss him goodbye at our doorstep, on our terms, and he'd drive to an armory and they'd bus him to base. No count-down. No politicians. No other families in the same predicament as me.

This was the classic band-aid dilemma. Rip it off quickly? Tear it slowly, little hair by little hair?

That thing I'd dreaded so long had come.

And then, as I strode away, I heard a song: sunk deep in my National Guard hoodie three sizes too big with a bleach stain on the sleeve, my phone rang with Joan Sebastian. Juan.

"I didn't mean to send you away," he said apologetically. "I thought we were supposed to say goodbye right then and line up. I guess you are allowed to come walk us out to the plane and all that."

Put the band-aid back on and try to rip it off again. Slower this time. I returned to the too-bright hangar with puffy eyes. His were wet, too, though. Rare.

I just couldn't stop touching him as we walked out into the darkness of the runway. My fingers on his hand, on his face, wanting to press my face against his, just hungry. I know what it's like to say goodbye for a long time.... just not quite like this. Not when I need him so much, love him so much. Share so much with him, have so much to lose.

And then, one final kiss, and he melts into a crowd of uniforms climbing the stairs up to the plane. A text message. He's sitting over the wing. He can see my phone's light in the crowd. He waves his pen-lamp, and I feel a jolt of love. Such a small thing. The last sight of him.

We stand there in the freezing cold -- I wore flip-flops, dummy that I am -- and listened to wives sniffle and, worst of all, a steady wail from some of the children old enough to know what they were getting into.

Next to me, a very young woman with a baby 21 days old. Her parents or her in-laws were late to the send off; they left their house at 2:30 and got there late, got lost on base, arrived to see a plane with darkened windows and a crowd full of sad faces.

We each felt our own private grief, each yearning for a little more time with one particular man. Like a crowd funeral. With hundreds of different caskets. So private, and yet so public. A feeling I'll likely never be able to share with very many people that I know.

To my right, the young mom whimpered for an hour straight, devastated.

To my left, a pack of Army moms laughing and telling inappropriate jokes and gossiping about who'd been kicked out for the DUI and planning a Biggest Loser party that night.

They made me happy, just standing next to them. Lifted my heart. It was a defining moment.

Yeah, it was sad, sad as hell, something I sure don't want to spend hundreds flying down to Mississippi to repeat.

But I have a choice, don't I? I don't have a pack of Army wives just yet -- again, he's in a totally different company than he was just a month ago. Just when I was getting to know people, build my support system.

But I cannot be that young wife with the baby at my feet, stuffing my hand into my mouth and sucking at it in desperate sadness. Now can I?

I have to laugh. Find funny people. Distract myself from sadness. Stay safe and sane. Right?

In the cold we waited, like I was saying. What was the hold-up? The Governor's wife was determined to shake every soldier's hand. That's nice, honey. Why don't you buy us a Starbucks and let us go home? But that's what the higher ups do. They make speeches and send us to war and keep us waiting on a dark runway.

And then the sun started to come up. The plane started to taxi away from and then toward us, then speed up to zoom past. And just before it left the ground, when I was feeling so damned alone, I felt a tap on my shoulder, and it was a familiar face. In a uniform. That came just to see Juan, just to support me at that hard, hard time. His friend Joyner, whose wife has been through this before and who has been so helpful. He hugged me and watched the plane fly into the rising sun and disappear. He walked me back toward my car, past the port-a-potties, and said he hoped I had a good day, that he had to get to work. That if I needed anything . . . that he'd 'cut my grass' . . . that all I had to do was call.

In the Tahoe, I turned up the Van Morrison. Put on "Crazy Love", the one to which we'd walked down the aisle, and I swear I felt every note. And I realized I've never listened to that song before, not really. It really seemed to fit, the whole 'thousand miles' and 'when I come home'.

And I drove around aimlessly, like you do in college after a gut-kicking break-up. Fell asleep on a quiet street near downtown. Woke up and went to a meeting with a BSU professor. Then went to an afternoon conference on multiculturalism in the schools. Got stared at a lot. I'm sure I've looked shittier, but not in public, not in a professional capacity.

Met my mom for dinner at a psuedo-New-Mexican eatery (we were a tad disappointed). SO glad I didn't have to take Che along for all this. Had to change his poopy diaper on the floor of the bathroom because God forbid they have a changing table or a counter of any sort.

It felt good to have her. Motherhood feels like a wonderful new start for us. It felt wonderful to have someone to come home with that night. A full belly. Exhaustion.

A phone call in the middle of the night from an ex-student who wanted to talk. I can only hope he was drunk. Sheesh.

Little sleep and start all over again.

Now, a week later, (sorry for the novel), it's sinking in again, but in a different way. 390 days to go.

How will I get through missing him so much?

I will. Because I have to.

Yep, that's the thing. I have to. So I will.

Sad things sorry - and a nutshell.

Wow. Can't believe so many people read this blog. I'd never know it by the number of comments I get in a given week...

So, I guess I really upset a lot of you by posting that I had some sadness to write about. Sorry for that. I have to laugh a little thought because some of you who criticized me for leaving you hanging...don't let me into your lives at ALL. Good or bad! Hanging or full disclosure! It's okay to need to process sad things and it's okay to want to write about them. It's also okay to not be able to. Still, I didn't want to worry anyone. I guess I wanted to say that while I do have some sad things, I'm really doing okay. Just penning up some emotions that might better be let out.

I keep trying and I can't. I'm all blocked up when I try to write with any structure or coherence. It's hard to give the feelings any words. And then after making an statement about needing to write about sad things, and being jumped on, I really can't write. Maybe a nutshell will help, I don't know...

For those of you who don't know, my little brother has been deployed to Iraq and is in his last weeks of training in Mississippi before leaving the country for over a year. He is my only sibling and he is a very big deal to me. I want to write a lot about him and how I'm feeling (or the feelings that I'm not feeling, stuffing away, later to haunt me or make me cry at inopportune moments). I have friends who have husbands deployed with my little bro. And their sadness is so raw, I don't know what do with it all (future guest post by Melinda coming very soon). At the same time we said goodbye to Matt, Sabine also left. I have more to write about her goodbye, but I can't, not just yet. I got to wake up to see her face every day for almost a year, and I really miss seeing her so much. It's such a weird experience having someone be so close to your family, living with you, seeing the good, the bad, and the crazy, and then having them gone to be seen who-knows-when. I knew it would happen but it doesn't make me less sad. People think that because Julia is such a great AuPair, then I shouldn't miss Sabine. But I don't miss having a good AuPair, our Julia is an AMAZING AuPair, so I do have that. It's just that I miss my Bean-Bean. Just like being with one friend doesn't make you miss another friend less. I'm worried for my friend Jeanine and her mom, my heart aches for them and losing Jack a few weeks ago. And I haven't been able to talk in length with Jeanine to find out how she is doing and how they are coping. But I know the man that Jack was deserves a million posts plus one!

And then the really tragic news. On Friday, Julia's good friend was killed in a car accident. Her name was Sarah, and she was 23. She was from Julia's small hometown in Germany of 1000 people. She has been in the US for about 6 weeks, in South Carolina to study for a year. She is the oldest of 4 and her family and Julia's families are very very close to each other. Obviously the news of this, has been devastating to all of those who loved her. And even though I didn't know her, this loss for Julia and her family is weighing heavily on my heart. I want to be whatever love and support I can to my sweet girl in this time of mourning. And I pray for comfort over all the mother's in this situation. It's hard to know what to do when someone is filled with raw grief. I feel grateful that in the times that there are no words to say, Bryson's smiles seem to genuinely brighten Julia's days, even when she is feeling very down. Babies have that gift. It's hard to understand God's plan and trust him in a tragedy such as this, but we do know with certainty that she was welcomed into His loving arms. Even though it leaves a big hole for those that knew her, here on earth.

In addition to that, breast cancer is about to claim the life of my friend Julie (if it hasn't already and I just haven't gotten the news). We've all been waiting, holding our breath when we check the blog, and having mixed feelings about what we will see there. Yesterday they thought she was breathing her last breaths, but now we don't know more...

It's among some of this sadness that I do find perspective. But perspective doesn't make it less sad. If you pray, and feel so inclined, you can pray for Julie's husband, Brian; for all the people who loved Sarah, and for her little sisters and little brother, for her mom and dad; you can pray for my Julia's family, that while grieving for their friends, they can trust that their daughter will come home safely to them and that we will take good care of her; pray for the safety of my brother and that of Juan Garcia while in Iraq, pray for Jeanine, Colleen, Nycole, & Aristeo as they attempt to have peace about the void that losing Jack has left in their lives. And while your at, give a little thanks for all the good things He's doing in your life. Open you eyes and just look, you'll see it. I sure am.

So each of these things deserves more words and more time and more care. This certainly didn't feel very therapeutic. But I can't leave you all worried out there, now can I?

Winds of change

Things will be changing again today.

I'm tired, and overwhelmed, and excited, and scared, and nervous, and sad, and happy.

I'm even a little superstitious I think. On the day Sabine arrived, Lawrence lost his job. On the day Tamara started as our nanny before that, I broke my foot. Both knocked us off our feet for 3 months. Pun intended. Heh. I'm downright scared of getting a new person to care for our children! :)

Julia comes today, I pick her up tonight at midnight. Sabine will still be here until Tuesday. Five more days. It's bizarre that this year went so fast. And what a year it was.

We lost a job, and got a job, and had a baby, and made it through a pretty life changing year. Nothing earth-shattering, but hard and different and great for us, nonetheless. It's nothing that hundreds or thousands of people aren't going through right now. And we had this girl, this young woman, who arrived, and lived with us, and experienced it all with us. Typical American life? The ups and the downs. She knows us. She KNOWS our kids. She was an extension of us and our love, discipline, and even frustrations with them. And at times, with each other. She was easy and kind and respectful. And she loved us. And we loved her. Love. Past and Present.
And future.

And now things will change.

A new girl, a young woman, is coming today. And she is going to experience the ups and downs of this year with us. We don't even know what they are yet. And I'm sure we will love her and she will love us. She will come to know us and vice versa. And it will be totally different, and totally great, and another chapter in our life.

With this change comes uneasiness for me. I'm happy about it, I'm sad about it. The beginning of one thing stems from the end of another thing.

And on top of it all I've got a lot on my plate. So I'm a little overwhelmed. To give you an idea. As I said before, Julia arrives tonight, tomorrow I have financial statements due to Mr. Gates, who, you know, just invested a lot of money into my little company, then I will food shop for the parties I am throwing this weekend. Yes, plural. On Saturday, my brother, Matt will arrive, we will prepare for Sabine's going away party and Julia's goodbye party. There are 29 people expected. At my house. Which is, by the way, messy and covered with smokey and sandy laundry from camping last weekend and swimming this week. And toys and towels and WEEDS in the backyard. On Sunday, I will say goodbye to Matt and then host a baby shower for my friend Shawna, together with her mom and another friend. On Monday, it's back to work for me, where the hardest worker in my staff is on vacation for 2 days. Tuesday I take Sabine to the airport at the crack of dawn. And somewhere in there I will get to know Julia and teach all the ways of the Herman house and family. And I haven't added Bryson to the handbook, yet, but I should since he requires the most time and effort. Other than Addie who has been nearly impossible as of late.

So my blog is run-on. And my heart is excited and sad. And my party might not be in an immaculate house. Or in a weedless yard. And the food might just be the basics. And the baby shower games might be played on regular paper rather than fancy paper. And the brownies made from a box. And the gift bought on the way. And I will meet my work deadline somehow, I always do. And Julia will be great, the kids will love her, they will give her a hard time at first, but they will love her. And Sabine's family can't wait to see her again. And Matt will be okay. And he WILL come home. And I have some of the best friends and women in my life, family too, some who live far away and support me no matter what. Who let me have that big long cry I needed to have on the phone rather than in their arms. And isn't it fun to be at the other end of THAT call. And, oh yeah, there is a vacation planned this month.

So if I can just make it one week. Things will settle and I can "relax".

And at the heart of it all, I have my Lawrence, my Lily, my Addie, & my Bryson. They are the faces that make the winds of change more carefree and full of hope of happy days to come.

My Soldier

My soldier
That's what they called him
If you have any questions, "ask your soldier"
If you need to get a hold of "your soldier" here's how to do it.

In my mind, I know I am unlike most of the family in the room, because, unlike them, my soldier doesn't pay my bills or provide my medical insurance.
I feel somewhat unworthy of my sadness because I only have to explain to my children why their uncle won't be around for a year.

Others have to tell their kids about a daddy who will be missing every day and every night.

I want to commit to keeping in touch and making sure my soldier knows he is loved. As often as I can. But I don't have to keep a marriage alive.

My soldier isn't my son, and he isn't my husband. I keep controlling my tears because I think that mine are less warranted than someone who has a soldier who runs their home and their heart.
And I can't imagine how those family members feel, because of how sad I feel about my soldier going away.

But even so. He is my soldier. He's the soldier that is mine. He's the one that I'll write to, and think about, and worry for.

He probably wishes I wouldn't, but I'll even pray for his safety.

Often. Daily. Hourly, even.
I need my soldier to come home, to stay safe. To remain unharmed.
For me. For my mom. For Heather. For Addie. For Lily. For Bryson.

I need him to come home and keep being part of my family. For most of my life, he's been half of the two people who are my family.
There's something I haven't told my soldier, and I'm sorry, even ashamed of that. I'm proud of you. I am. I'm really proud of my soldier.

Because he is a good man, and a good brother, and a good son, and a good uncle. And a good soldier. If you get to call him your soldier, too, you know how lucky you are.


And even when I was in a sea of soldiers last week, and I couldn't see his face. I knew which was one he was.

Because, He is my soldier.

He's my baby brother.

My mom just sent me the news. And my stomach turned. The news we were expecting, waiting for, dreading, and proud of. And I'm swelled with a mixture of emotions. I'm really proud of how my brother has excelled in his work with the National Guard. He's good at it, and he's been noted at the top of his class more than a few times. Selfishly, I don't want him to go to Iraq. Selfishly, I feel sad for my little girls who will desperately miss their uncle and for my mom who will endlessly worry for her only son. I feel encouraged that only two soldiers were lost in the last round of soldiers who went to Iraq from Oregon, but I know to their families, two doesn't feel like "only". It feels like everything. I'm sad, I'm worried. But I am also very very proud.

You see, he's my baby brother.




Breaking News, Central Oregon, Eastern Oregon, Politics »

Eastern Oregon Guard troops to deploy for Iraq in November
By Julie Sullivan, The Oregonian
April 26, 2010, 7:22PM
It's official: Oregon Army National Guard soldiers will be among the
last troops to serve in Iraq. On Monday, the Department of Defense
ordered 600 troops based in La Grande to deploy in November.

They will serve during "Operation New Dawn," the final phase of the
Iraq war scheduled to begin Sept. 1 when American troops shift from
combat and intelligence into a role of advising and assisting the Iraqi
forces, said a Pentagon spokesman.

Under President Barack Obama, the number of U.S. troops serving in
Iraq are scheduled to drop from 95,000 today to 50,000 on Sept. 1, and
to withdraw completely from Iraq by Dec, 31, 2011.

Despite the mission's new name, the 3rd Battalion of the 116th Cavalry
Brigade will be performing an old job -- guarding supply convoys. Last
week, nearly 2,700 fellow Oregonians from the 41st Infantry Brigade
Combat Team returned to the state after 10 months providing convoy
security across two thirds of Iraq and other security operations. Two
Oregon soldiers were killed by a roadside bomb during the tour.

The 116th soldiers are based in Hood River, The Dalles, Woodburn,
Redmond, La Grande, Baker City, Ontario, Hermiston and Pendleton. They
are tank and infantry units, best known stateside for fighting
wildfires. They will deploy as part of the 116th Cavalry Brigade Combat
Team, in Boise. About 230 members of the battalion will remain at home.

More on the 41st
Read past coverage by The Oregonian on the deployment of Oregon Army
National Guard troops from the 41st Infantry Brigade Combat Team.
The La Grande-based unit last deployed for "Operation Iraqi Freedom" in
2004. Three-quarters have served at least one tour, said battalion
commander, Lt. Col. Phillip Appleton.

He said the troops will train in Idaho beginning this summer, then move
into intensive training at Camp Shelby, Miss., after formally
mobilizing on Sept. 17. They are expected to spend 10 months in Iraq.

"The most important thing is that employers and families continue their
support to make the soldiers' transition easier," Appleton said.

A little bit of drowning.

A few of you have reminded me that there are no blog posts since Mar 22. Well that was the day I returned to work, and my new normal changed. So that's the reason there are no posts. Because today is that last day of the quarter, and because I have no time to share the good the bad, and the ugly with you all, I'm going to to give you a "little things" list, JCH style (her style is way more articulate and spunky than what I have time or energy to do)!

Going back to work hasn't been as bad as I thought
Going back to work has been a million times harder than I thought
Got walked in on at work while pumping by male coworker = humiliating
Milk supply isn't the best, but I'm making due. One bottle of formula per day.
Sabine is in Miami today to meet one of her BFFs from Germany who came to see her- SO excited for her.
Mom came to watch the kids
Mom's car broke down 25 miles outside of Portland (she lives 6 hrs away so it could be worse)
Mom's car can't be fixed
Used car shopping with mom this week
New work out goal is 5 days out of 7 per week
Last week I did 6 days! Love extra credit.
This weekend I get to go jean shopping.
With a gift card from Xmas. Wahoo!
My friend Julie has cancer again. For the third time. After an 11 month "break". I'm pissed! Devastated! Grrr. Words can't describe how much I wish she didn't have to rally her troops and get her fighting gloves on. AGAIN!
Damn Chemo is getting in the way of a super fabulous vacation she had planned though, and that BITES!
Riding in a car with my mom driving is enough to make me wanna drink
Riding with my mom driving in a stranger's car, in the city, while they sit in the back seat = priceless thrill ride (of course, no offense mom!)
Keep "forgetting" to eat or drink water all day and that is no good - but where to fit it in.
B at work, was on vacation at work for 3 days last week. SHE DOES A LOT OF WORK. I know, cause I did her job while she was out. I'm not good at her job. I'd rather review that work, not DO it.
I'm glad she's back, and will make sure to treat her like the GEM she is from now on!
I scrapbooked last Friday and Sunday - I'm up to June 2009!
Shred on-line boards has added 4 members looking for accountability partners; positive energy from great women supporting each other is essential for a lovely life
I can't stop wondering if being "brave" for posting before and after pics on this blog is a compliment or not?
I miss Robin Cummings!
Why are we so hard on ourselves, moms? STOP IT!!!
My friend Melinda came from Boise during the week to recycle some maternity clothes and cloth diapers passed on by another friend. Only a few minutes to chat, but great to see her. Found out her hubby is going to "the yucky place" with my brother next year. He's going, Matt's going, might be in the same unit, however all that works.
I'm getting to bed too late and getting up too early.
This is the first time I've set an alarm clock since having children.
BUT...Bryson is sleeping through the night.
Addie is going through the hardest time with me returning to work. Bedtime battles = understatement.
Lily has been doing awesome. She isn't getting the credit she deserves because I keep being too busy with the other two to notice properly. I'm working on that.
Seriously, my baby has the best smile ever...you can't help but get a little tickle in your heart when he squeals and smiles at the sight of you. Yummy!
My girls have started fighting with each other like sisters. A lot! It was a good ride...
We went to church on Sunday and I felt so loved by God. Especially during the singing.
Sabine came too, I liked having her there.
Passover is this week, we talked about it a lot and then hid the Matzah - Addie found it and got a dollar, then we hid it for fun. No one knows why we hide the afikomen, but we did it because that's what you do.
Saturday the Powers came over for a BBQ. It was great, the 3 girls played good. I love them and the friendship they bring. So excited their family is growing! Yep you heard that right? !!
Lawrence got to go skiing on Sunday, with a friend, he forgot what a good skiier he was with out me or kids to hold him back. HE DESERVED IT!!!
I'M SO SO SO SO SO SO thankful for how great Sabine did with my three children last week. She can totally do this. She can do it well.
I hate to think of the day when she will leave our family. I don't know yet when that is, but no matter when it is, it will be too soon!
Uncle Matt is on the way this morning so Gma Lanie "Yanie" as Addie says, doesn't have to go it alone. He has only been home for 3 days after drilling for a month in AZ, so I REALLY appreciate being able to count on him in a pinch.
Thanks to Heather too!
I haven't found my "organized" rhythm that makes me feel sane. No balance yet. Not sure what to do when I have a free minute because there are too many things to choose from.
So I chase my tail a lot. Sometime for 20 full minutes.
My husband has been amazing lately. He's really stepping it up with a smile. Our marriage feels SO strong and on the same wave length for several months now. Boy is that a good thing!
Date night is a MUST this weekend. A MUST!
We both need to dig a little deeper for patience and a good discipline strategy for our nutty 2.5 year old. Kinda going through the noneffective, inconsistent motions right now...with a dash of doing it right here and there.
This is my "me" time for the day. I'm drowning. Last day of the month and the quarter. Can't close until I finish my review of the year end closing that happened while I was on leave.
So.Much.To.Do.
I'm still in a good mood. A good drowning mood.
I am blessed.

Despite drowning this week, I can also say that I haven't been this strong, mind, body, and soul for a really long time. There isn't time to blog about it because I'm sinking most days with so much more to do than what is possible. There is a whole blog to write on each of these sentences. Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Thanks for your support this week Jenn, Sabine, Kirstin, Lawrence, and Mom...can't believe the overflow of love that keeps me afloat.

Three Cheers for Uncle Matt

For the last week I have been gearing up to be on my own with all three kids during the day for the first long periods of time. Sabine went to visit a friend in the Midwest and check out Chicago (a much deserved mini vacation for her!) I know this shouldn't be so difficult, but there are a lot of different little needs going on around here - and I'm still figuring out how to meet them all while going on very little sleep. For example, while alone one morning, I was nursing Bryson (who hasn't been nursing great by the way, though you'd never know it by his enormous size!) and I hear "Addie went POOPIE in the potty, mama", so I know that if I stop Bryson from eating, he won't start again, and I'd really love for him to get a full feeding, but I also know that Addie CANNOT yet wipe herself. For a moment I consider asking Lily to wipe her, but then I remember, um, she's FIVE and I doubt she'd actually go for it anyway, no matter how big of a help she likes to be...this might be where she'd draw the line. So I ask Lily to get me a wipe from Bryson's changing table and bring it to me, and tell Addie to come into his room next to the glider where I'm nursing, and I wipe her little poopie bottom while feeding my two month old, all the while Lily is laughing hysterically while I demand for her to bring me a plastic baggie and some hand sanitizer to dispose of the wipe. It takes her 10 minutes to do this as she is simply drunk with all the laughter. And yet I feel pretty good about finding a solution. I said to my mom the other day, "I have three children, I need to learn to take care of them all by myself". Even if it means I have to wake Bryson from a short nap, throw him and Addie in their car seats and race to be the last mom in car line to pick Lily up from preschool, with my shoes untied and my teeth not brushed, apologizing to her teacher for my lateness. I still think, "Yay, I did it!" haha. Lily says, "Mom, I knew you were coming, sometimes you are late". Yes Lil, "sometimes" I am. Only sometimes.

So, while I know I CAN do it, at the same time.....

...I felt OH so relieved that my little brother said he was free and on his way through town and could stay for 2 nights. Even if I wasn't on my own, I knew it would make the girls so happy. They adore, ADORE their uncle Matt. And they spent two days climbing all over him, wrestling, dancing, game playing, crafting, make believing, you NAME it, they played it. He even got Addie down for 2 naps!! He's also come along way with maneuvering an infant and wasn't awkward with Bryson like he used to be with the girls. (No offense meant by that, holding a newborn IS awkward when they feel so breakable). It isn't always fun and games. The girls are always so excited that they go nuts and misbehave for the first full day of seeing him. They can't get enough that they act like lunatics! I wish he could see them in their natural environment so he would know that they are good girls. I know he does know that, but he always has to deal with them being so spastic and riled up that it is many hours of CRRRAAAAZZZY when he arrives! :) Exhausting would be an understatement. But luckily he's young and seems to always muster up all the energy required to have fun with them whenever he's needed.

Bryson gave him lots of smiles and also made sure he knew that he was happy to see him.
When it was time for Matt to leave the girls were very sad. They were happy that they got to see his girlfriend, Heather, who came to pick him up. Lily played HARD the last 30 minutes with them (yet another made up game of taking off socks!) and was pretty sad to go to school, even though she had a field trip to the fire department.

Matt is in the National Guard, and so since he signed up there has been the possibility of him being deployed. Now we know, he will have to go for a year, probably leaving in August. We don't know where yet, or even if we'll get to know where, but I can't stop thinking about how hard it will be to have him gone for so long. I will miss my brother, but my children will miss their Uncle Matt so so much.

I have a lot to be thankful for lately. I'm WAY behind on thank yous. Thank yous of many types - any of you reading may be sick of hearing me say thanks to people by the time I get caught up on thanking people in my life. But I am so thankful for the last few days with my little brother and with the fun he got to have with my girls. And even though it shouldn't make a difference in the way we love our family, I can't help but being more nostalgic about our time together. Knowing that we won't be together next Christmas or next Thanksgiving made this Thanksgiving and THIS Christmas all the more special. And as the Fall draws closer I know I will feel that more and more each time we see each other.

Thank you so much, Uncle Matt. Even though the girls get so excited, and they wear you out, and Lawrence and I use you as our personal tech support guy, and even though I didn't feed you yesterday on accident, I hope that when you leave our home, you feel and know one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt.

You are loved.