Ten

Today was the biggest and most anticipated day of my life, ten years ago.  

I'm purposefully falling in love with my husband day after day.  He is the love of my life, not just the person I share my to do list with.  There have been years when I've forgotten that.  But not this year, and not lately.  Those first years, we had the greatest love story, we have a great love story, it's our love story, it's this love story.  I remember writing a blog to him on our five year anniversary.  Just after Addie was born.  So much has changed since them and so much has stayed the same.  I got him this as an anniversary gift for our wall.  (Babe, if you are reading this, I guess this spoils the gift...)

The day we met

The day he moved to NJ from Chicago to be with me

The day he proposed

The day we got married

The day we became parents

Today

I am truly blessed to be the wife to this man.  For a decade.  

And counting. 

Tonight we will celebrate our marriage with some close friends, as we celebrate their marriages too, and we will toast to many more years together, for us, and for them.  

Happy anniversary to the one true love of my life, for now and forever.  I love you

In lieu of a Father's Day Card...

When I met Lawrence I knew very early on that he was the one I wanted to marry.  He was loving and respectful and generous.  He treated me the way I'd always deserved and wanted to be treated.  He was different than anyone else I'd ever know.  I fell in love with him so quickly.  


I was looking for a man for me.  I didn't give it much thought as to the type of father I was looking for for my future kids.  I wasn't looking for a man for them.  I remember seeing him with his brother's niece at a party, I thought it was cute that would rather color with her than socialize with the adults.  That was the first glimpse I got of how he might be as a father.  


I didn't grow up with a father so I didn't know what kind of man I'd be looking for anyway.


How naive I was to think that I found a man who would be content coloring with my kids all the live long day.  


Parenting was far harder than we ever imagined.  No sleep was far harder than we ever imagined.  But it was also more wonderful than we'd ever imagined.  


He was more wonderful.  


And he was different.  I've learned now that there's a lot more to being a good dad than liking to color and be around kids.  


Luckily, there was more to him too!


When I see him wrestle with his son, or call his middle daughter "Buds", or watch him watch Ninja Warrior with his oldest under his arm...my mind can barely wrap around what a good dad they have.  What a good man I have.  


When I thought he was being too hard on Lily during her toddlerhood, I was wrong.  She respects him in ways that she will never respect me, they all do.  When I worried that maybe he wouldn't ever bond with Addie the way he had with Lily, I was wrong, he found a special relationship with her that is one of the closest in our family.  When I thought there was no way he'd have the patience to take three kids out and about, I was wrong, he was even able to coach soccer and baseball with all three of them in tow.  He surprises and amazes me every day.  


I never understood that I had experienced any kind of a loss growing up without a dad, because I had such a loving family environment.  My mom and my brother and me we so close, so tight-knit, that I honestly couldn't imagine how having a dad would have made anything different or better.  It wasn't until I had a dad in my family, parenting my children, that I truly see first hand what a loss that was.  I cannot imagine our lives without this fantastic dad in it.  


I'm so thankful for his way of being a dad.  He is the yin to my yang, and he makes this family work.  He is the perfect man for me, and he is an even more perfect father for my children.  As a mother, I wonder if I could have given my children a better gift all those years ago.  I don't think so.  I feel blessed because I had no idea what to look for, no one I wanted him to be like, no model of the shoulds and the should nots.  And thank you God for that.  Because it has allowed his fatherhood to thrive in his own way.  Not always in my way.  


Lawrence grew up with a father who gave him an awesome role-model.  He was involved and he was there and he was loving.  He showed his boys how to take care of business and how to throw a ball.  He required respect and he taught them to use the grill and love football.  Their grandpa may not realize that the best gifts he has given to his grandchildren was training up their dads to be like him, as he taught by example.  I'm so thankful for Steve because he showed Lawrence how to be a dad.  A very very good dad.  


We are entering into a new season of parenthood.  One where we still rely on naptime every day, but one where we don't have to carry a diaper bag with us every time we leave the house.  Our kids look to their dad more often than I can count to be validated by him.  And just when I'm about to worry that he isn't going to be sensitive enough to their needs, I'm reminded, again, that he will surprise me and meet their need in only a way that he can.  His relationship with him is so his.  Theirs.  


I feel nervous about the years ahead.  I remember when a friend told me years ago, 'we are now raising our kids, not just keeping them alive".  I feel like that.  There are so many difficult decisions to make, rules to keep, figuring out what's appropriate for which kid at which age, deciding which battles to pick.  And honestly, outside of giving it to God, the fact that I get to do all this with Lawrence is what keeps me confident that we will do it well.  That we are doing it well.  


And then I feel excited about the years ahead.  I see the investments of his time and energy, how can you not, they are everywhere.  He gives and gives and gives to our kids, and they are so lucky.  He talks about them and beams with pride.  He never talks about them like they are anything but his pride and joy.  Just ask him how great they are, he will tell you!  And he might even tell you if you don't ask.  What a wonderful memory it will be for them to look back and remember hearing their dad talking about them with such joy.  


Every single day, every single weekend, he gives them, he give us, a memory to savor.  He helps us live our lives to the fullest, and let me tell you, it's a lot of work making this much fun, this many memories for 3 little people.  He honestly never ever has an ounce of energy left at the end of the day, because he uses it all up for them.  Every. Single. Day.  



He teaches them to ski and throw and be active, he gives them a healthy example, he build legos, he teaches football, he let's them help him drill and built, he has them help him cook, he'd rather take them with him than go alone, he does cirque du soliel, he changes poopy diapers, he brushes teeth and puts on hats over messy hair, he packs, he carries, he straps on boots, he sets up, he takes down.  



I love him.  


I love you, Lawrence.  Thank you so much for the dad that you are, for the dad that you are becoming, and for the dad that you will be. As seasons change in our life, I wouldn't want to be doing this with any other man.  You make me excited for our years ahead.  I promise to partner with you, to make you better together than you could be alone, for all the years of our lives.  On a day like today, Father's Day, when we celebrate you - I will remind myself to never take one day parenting with you for granted.  I'm so lucky and blessed to have you as the Father to my children.  To be the only Father I've ever celebrated on Father's Day.  


I love you, I respect you, and I'm so so thankful for you!  And it is so obvious that your kids feel the same, your three wonderful children.  

Soccer is simple, but it is difficult to play simple

Another year of soccer is in the books, and we are very proud of the 8 girls on our team.  Our soccer league stops co-ed after Kindergarten which is unfortunate because we were all set to have the same coach (and team mostly) as we did last year.  Unfortunately, our super star coach D from last year, well, her son is a boy, and we couldn't talk her in to coaching Lily's team anyway.  Ha.  So we were chosen on another team and Lawrence assistant coached this year.  It was a great experience for he and for Lily.  He played a lot of soccer when he was younger, so unlike Tball coaching last spring, where he was mostly winging it (and keeping spacey 5 year olds from hitting each other with baseball bats), he knew how to teach this sport.  

They play 4 on 4 in the 1st grade, as opposed to 3 on 3 last year.  As an adult, it's always interesting to think back to what this was like at my age.  Could I have thrived at soccer (vs just enduring it for 5+ years) if I hadn't been on a co-ed team 10 vs 10, being a defender while Jesse Shirley, Mickey Roberts, and Jesse Peterson all controlled the ball IN A FULL SIZED SOCCER FIELD.  As I think back I remember that my mom used to say to people (who obviously weren't at the game), "Jenny is good at getting into the mix and kicking it out of there".  I know that must be a lie because I was 1. a defender in the back field picking dandelions with very good and agressive teammates who never let the ball near my goal, and 2. Well, I'm just fairly certain I was not a player who was "good at kicking" anything, much less, it, out of the middle of the blob of school-aged soccer players.  For starters, just to remind you, I looked like this.

Anyway, that's neither here nor there.  And it gives me great pride to watch Lily as one of the best players on the team.  She is strong and aggressive.  The girl can HUSTLE (when she wants to, who knew? Not the person who has to bark orders to get her shoes tied every.single.morning).  She was good last year against the boys, but this year she was great playing with the girls and it was fun to see her excel and score so often.  The second to last game, Lawrence bribed her with a milkshake on the way home if she PASSED THE BALL a few times.  He wanted her to get an assist.  She knew what that meant.  I found out that term when I was 22 and met Lawrence.  Heh.  And she did pass the ball that day.  However, that made it her only scoreless game.  She would get up to the net and beat the rest of both teams there, waiting for someone to pass it to, NOT shooting.  Finally she had the perfect set up.  She passed it to another girl, who missed the goal, but it was fine.  Lily did what she was there to do, and we were proud of her.  She enjoyed every drop of that milkshake.  Because she does NOT hustle when it comes to eating desserts.  Or any other food for that matter.  

Coach Dad and his girls warming up

My heart jumps a little every time I see her look over to her dad, for approval, celebration, or encouragement.  Her desire to please him makes me delight in them both.  He really is her first love, as it should be for every little girl.

It's so hot, I'm taking refuge in the shade of Bryson's stroller and might die if I look at you .

Whoa is me

I have a crush on the coach.

WHO is this kids mother?  Sunburn fail!

My little big buckeye.  This Jersey made him look SO big.

 Bryson did SO good this year at every soccer game.  Wow.  We would get there loaded with water bottles and snacks and umbrellas and chairs and coats.  I would let him out of the stroller once we set up camp and the girls were warming up.  He'd run amok and I'd chase after.  Sometimes we'd have to wake him from a nap, sometimes we'd have to keep him awake on the way home, but he never missed a game.  Then, once the game started, I'd strap him back in and stop his resistance to that with SNACKS.  Yes, I'd start feeling him snacks, rationing like a madwoman, one raisin at a time as I never took my eye off the field.  I think that SOME of the other soccer moms *might* have thought I was a lil crazy in that I fed this kid for an hour straight, every single soccer game (and let's be honest some practices too.  right before dinner).  Sometimes huddled under the umbrella for shade, sometimes to stay dry.  Sometime Addie sat with us, sometimes she was with the coach and team on the other side of the field, looking important and trying to fit is.  Each week brought weather extremes at total opposite spectrums, and no matter what the little guys came home SOAK and WET.  My one goal was to figure out a way to 1. watch the game 2. Keep him dry 3. Off the soccer field 4. No "looks" from the coach.


This changed the college football Saturdays that we've grown to love (except for the maddening terrible service of the Comcast Gameday Package...If you don't already know the story, don't ask, at least we got the whole season for free, after weeks of frustrated Husband on my hands)

Lily has the ball, everyone is on her

If this picture doesn't make your heart swell with pride, well, you probably aren't her mother.

Our alternate team member. She'll be ready next year.

Next game.  Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  Only one week later.  She doesn't like being the goalie.  Likes to be IN THE ACTION.

Being a soccer kid in Portland, Oregon - doesn't she look tough!

Where is the ball in this picture?  

Uncle Matt got to come to two of the games upon his return from "the yucky place".  Addie was happy that her school bear who slept over for the weekend has a place to stay dry.

The Shooting Stars and their fearless leaders happy to receive soccer trophies

At the end of the season, I'm glad for it to be over.  I'm glad for the Tuesday / Thursday practice, Saturday game madness to end.  At the party, listening to the other parents swoon over my husband and my daughter makes me so proud of them both.  The other parents thank him for his time and investment into their kids.  They acknowledge him the mean it.  I know L&L are both incredible, and it's super cool when someone else notices and tells you all about it.  

First Date

When Lily was born, she made us three, and we had loads and loads of events, outings, and adventures that were just Lily, Mommy, & Daddy.  Then when Addie was born, we all made a real effort (grandparents included) to make sure that while I was home with her new baby, Lily was out getting to do something cool.  We had family time, and we also nurtured special time with Lily, even occasionally planning times for her to spend with only her parents, just us 3. Then finally Addie was old enough for us to put the girls in tap class together, swim lessons together, and more importantly for us to all go out and do fun things as a family.  Addie and Lily made Four, remember?  The two of them were a unit of two, and I will always look at how they were before Bryson, as a pair, sweeter sisters than anything I could have imagined.  

As we pondered whether or not to have a third, I often thought about how having another baby would change that.  All of our kids would likely be less of a single unit, but of course, that was no reason not to add to our family.  


After Bryson came, we have had many times, when we go to events without him.  Just the girls and us, like the old days.  We also have taken turns going to things one on one.  Lawrence takes the girls skiing or running, individually, he coached Lily's tball team and took her ice skating.   I take them shopping or to lunch or on coffee shop dates one on one (man, my things sound lame comparatively, what's new? But now wonder he is the fun one!)  

Sometime around mid June, when the new Cinetopia was being built at the bottom of our hill, we decided we wanted to take Addie on a movie date alone, since Lily doesn't really like feature length films.  Cars 2 was out in 3D and we offered to have Lily come, but she declined.  Julia agreed to work late and be with Bryson and Lily, so I took off work early and we went to a movie with Addie.  

Addie was so excited she could barely stand it.  When we pulled up, parked and started walking toward the theatre, she took both her mom's hand, and her dad's hand.  She didn't try to swing, just walked boldly and proudly up the stairs marching forward to the show.  She was SO cute.  We got some popcorn and water and found our seats.  Since it was like 3pm it was just us + a few others at the movie, and Addie was wide eyed.  Since she is so small, her 3D glasses didn't fit so great but that didn't really bother her, she was WAY too busy eating the entire bag of popcorn to notice much.  


She loved the movie, things that I knew would have scared or stressed out her older sister, flew right over her head.  She stood up and danced a little during one part.  Every time I thought we were done with the popcorn, I put it down, and her little greasy hand started pawing around in my lap looking for it, not taking her goggled eyes off the big screen.  After the movie, I tried on her glasses to see how they felt with these foamy things on the ears to make them fit better.  I couldn't see through them! They were SO covered with little buttery finger prints.  

We took a few pictures on my phone on the way out.  Lawr wouldn't let me ask a stranger to get a picture of the three of us, on a Thursday afternoon in a movie theater.  Party pooper.  :(


It was on the way home that we realized it was our first date with Addie.  She is a different kid when she is not under the umbrella of being a pair with her big sis.  She is smart and funny and quirky.  In all different ways than Lily is.  


Sometimes it makes me feel bad to look at all that hasn't been done with Addie and Bryson that we did with Lily, but I try to remember the gift of siblinghood that they do have, that they have always had.  Lily gave them the gift of parents who were stressed out about things that didn't matter.  The gift of parents who would use hand-me-downs.  :)  And she really is such a great big sister, we gave them all that.  


In any case, relationships in a family are a lot of work, and it's fun to see the dynamics that build.  Addie and Bryson, beat each other up, and love each other most.  They are together all day while Lily is at school.  Lily and Addie share a room, and they have a lot of together time, they are still a pair.  They often sneak off to another room where they can do things and not worry about Bryson the destroyer getting their stuff.  Lily is SO good with Bryson, just this morning she came in and woke me up to see if she could get him up because he was singing, and she wanted to go be with him.  She asked me if she could get his morning milk first.  She did and I got another 10 minutes of sleep.  Oh, where was I?  (I tend to get off track when it comes to droning on about more sleep for myself.)  She is a great care taker, and really helps everyone out when it comes to being the oldest sister.  


When I want to beat myself up about not giving each kid more chances to be the only child with their mom and dad, I know we do our best.  It is hard enough for Lawrence and I to get time alone, much less time alone together with each kid.  We both have our individual time with each of them, and we also have a great family dynamic.  And it's nice to remember that, be thankful for it, and occasionally get a date night, whether it's with one kid or without one.


Dates with Mommy and Daddy are special.  Even for Mommy and Daddy.  

Wordless Wednesday - The first time my son drives his Tonka

Daddy has been waiting for this moment

I threw a fit

Yesterday, I got Addie down for her nap and I ran downstairs to tell Lawrence I was headed to the store to do some MUCH needed grocery shopping. I would have rather played quietly with Bryson, or taken a nap myself, but diapers weren't buying themselves and Bryson's baby food cupboard was bone dry. Lily sort of stomped a bit that she couldn't go with me, but Lawrence reminded her that she needed to go to quiet time, because we let her stay up super late the night before visiting with her friend who was staying with us and going to Rachel's birthday party. She didn't listen to him and continued to sulk and pout. It was noon and I'd been up since 5am with Bryson after going to bed too late, at midnight the night before.

As I was trying to explain to Lily that it wasn't up for discussion, (though I continued to heartily discuss it with her!) I just needed to run and get a few things, and I'd be back by the time her quiet time was over and then we could make the flash cards from school; she continued to make a huffy face. Just then, Bryson got his arm caught in the top of one of the girls' stools and started to scream hysterically. As I went to rescue his pudgy little bicep from the weight of the lid plus his other fatty hand pressing down on top of it, Lily would not take no for an answer. I hugged Bryson, and I yelled at her, "Lily, get up to quiet time, NOW!" in a mean nasty mama bear voice. She scampered away in tears, yelling, "I want to bring my flash cards!". "NO!" I shouted.

Bryson calmed down and I looked up at Lawrence who had eyebrows raised. I could tell by the look on his face that I'd overreacted a little. I knew I had, and I didn't appreciate the judgment. I said, "Do you think I handled that too harshly?". He shrugged and said, "All I know is that we were down here having fun...", "...until I CAME ALONG!', I snipped. I reminded him about how the day before I wanted to run Lily over to the birthday party and Addie was practically dragging behind me on my leg - even though she had a friend here with plans and fun of her own. She couldn't go with to the party drop off because she has a runny nose and they have a new baby. I went on to Lawrence's raised eyebrow and wide eyes, about how earlier, Addie was crying and banging outside the bathroom. "I can't even go to the bathroom without disappointing someone in this house" I shrieked dramatically. I was so frustrated, explaining that while I would prefer not to leave the house to do errands or go to work, I literally have to kick someone off my leg and back in to the house as I close the door behind me.

"Do you know how that makes me feel? Every single day?" I demanded in my best woe is me quiver. He said that I was right, in a tone that told me he didn't think so.

Still holding Bryson, I attempt to do a donkey kick behind myself to illistrate for Lawrence yesterday's getting out the door debacle, but I trip a little. This doesn't stop me, once I get my grips again, I kick back in a reattempt and hit the toybox HARD with my heel. I lose my balance again while pantomiming a door slam, and sort of spin around falling on to the couch on my back with Bryson on my chest. "JEEZ! Take it easy!" Lawrence exclaims. I stop (easy to do when you are flat on your back on the couch). Horrified. Humiliated. Then I start laughing hysterically. Partially because I've been ranting and donkey kicking and I'm embarrassed by my behavior. Partially because I think it's pretty freaking funny how worked up I've got, all because Lily wanted to go to the store with me. I laugh at how ridiculous I sounded, and the hysteria in my voice as I ranted to my husband's wrinkled forehead and slight smirk. Then I start to cry. I'm not ever sure why exactly, but I think more than a little bit because my heel hurt so bad and more than a little bit because I feel so bad for how I yelled at Lily, and more than a little because I'm so glad Bryson is safe with my failed kicking falling fiasco.

I take my time out and then I say sorry to Lily, bringing her flash card materials to quiet time. And then I head to the grocery store, totally and completely emotionally depleted.

It reminded me how easily I come to expect my little ones to keep their composure when they are over tired and frustrated with things and how easily I can lose my own. Sometimes to be a better parent you have to get a little closer to where your kiddos stand and imagine what it feels like to be them for a moment, how it feels to feel disappointed or over controlled about something.

And sometimes, you just need to throw a fit.

I did.

My buddy and me

Father's day this year was a MAJOR fail at our house. In order to not drum up more sour feelings, I'm going to leave it at that. All around cruddy day. Soo....

With our anniversary on the horizon as the next time I could replace that sourness, I wanted to plan ahead. Something really special. Something that would be super cool for Lawrence and I to do together, to celebrate us, and really have fun. Not just dinner or a drink, but something different and special.

So when I got a Groupon deal in early July for a 4 hour sea kayaking class, I knew I had just found my anniversary gift. As our anniversary neared, things were getting crazy. Life felt really stressful and so we decided to celebrate on our Tuesday night anniversary with a beer and nachos at the new Big Al's that was in it's Grand Opening a mile from our house. And we scheduled our "real" anniversary kayaking celebration for last weekend.

Every time we have plans away from the kids on the weekend I get anxious. Especially when it is during the day, before bedtime. I spend enough hours away from them while I am working during the week; I really feel like I can't afford any time away during the weekend and I stress out getting ready to go. My partner in crime, aka Lawrence, stays cool, calm, and collected and usually even finds a few minutes or thirty for some Sports Center, while I'm scrambling around in shear panic. :) Then of course once we do have an actual date, I'm refreshed, and I remember that I need to do things alone with Lawrence more often. But it's hard to do that. To make time for that. And usually our dates are set up because someone has invited us to an adult only event, a going away party, birthday party, football game, concert, etc, etc, and much of the time is spent with the guys doing one thing and the girls talking about another. We spend the drive in the car together and then our date turns into a "see each other in passing" kind of thing. And since we are SO Dave Ramsey, we rarely do out to dinners, just the two of us.

So this sea kayaking class. It was more awesome than I could have imagined. Even though I was anxious when we left, we had a blast, and when we came home we made a big family pancake breakfast dinner, and the kids had a great afternoon with Julia, they were happy and excited to see us. And I didn't feel guilty, I felt good.

We weren't together the entire time, but it was just us with 2 guides and 10 strangers, for four hours, doing something new and cool and outside and active and together. Something that we couldn't, wouldn't, wish we'd brought the kids too. We went 9 miles in the Willamette River around Ross Island and saw the city (of Portland) in a totally new and interesting way.

Lawrence is kind of a bossy teacher, and it reminded me of our early dating days when he'd try to instruct me on how to (snow) ski better, totally out of love. But my know-it-all-this-is-good-enough-self, hates that. So I chuckled inside when I yelled at him, "I KNOW!"
as he suggested I hold my paddle with my thumbs pointing a different way or what ever. The river was so peaceful, so there were long periods of time of no talking, being alone with our own thoughts, working hard the whole time. It reminded me of us. What we are like when the busyness of every day life and the tasks involved with carrying and caring for 3 young children aren't there to distract us from each other, from us. Don't get me wrong, we LOVE that distraction. We love how involved the other is our children's lives. We look at the other being a present parent and love more for it. It's not that we want to be away from the work that children bring. It's that last weekend when we were, I felt reconnected and rekindled and reminded. He is my buddy, he is fun, he is my best friend. When we get away to realize that, we come home and model that we are more than just teammates working for a common cause. Mommy and Daddy are in love, they are friends, and they go out and come home and are even more fun to be with because they have each other as a partner in this life. It's pretty cool.

Wordless Wednesday - The Herman Men

Just when you think you can't get the perfect picture, you get the perfect picture. Three Generations worth. Incredible.

Day 8 - habits

This picture of Addie having the time of her life doesn't have much to do with this blog post topic. But I think a post with a picture is better than a post without a picture. And it makes me happy. And that's sort of the point of everything...


Today is day 8 of blogging even though I'm officially done with this round of 7 blogs in 7 days. It is also day 8 of my 2nd round of the 30 day shred. I haven't actually completed day 8, but I will. I will.

I started my first round of the shred back on Feb 1 when I was on my maternity leave with Bryson, at 7 weeks postpartum, my goal was to be out of maternity clothes by the time I returned to work, when he would be 13 weeks old. I completed the goal with energy to spare. I came back to work in regular people clothes and with a renewed sense of purpose for finding 20-30 "me time minutes" each day for working out. I scaled back my every day regiment to 5 days a week rather than 7, you know, to be realistic that off days would be necessary. I was pleasantly surprised by my good can-do attitude and the energy I had. I loved the fact that I did have days where I wasn't begging for a nap 30 minutes after waking in the morning. Better than that, working out had become part of my day, part of my week, in a way that I hadn't experienced since college. There wasn't a question of IF I would workout but WHEN. But then mid - May some deadlines came crashing down. I took a week off, but I got back on. For one week. Then another week off. Then it got nice out and I didn't want to work out to a DVD. I was sick of looking at Jillian's mug. Lawrence hurt his shoulder and stopped with his work out regimen. Every time I set a goal all summer long, I couldn't stick to it, even for a week, and gave up. I was annoyed with myself, but felt pretty good physically and emotionally so my motivation evaporated.

Over the summer, I was active, I certainly didn't put myself back into maternity clothes. But I'm not feeling great. My energy and mood have been pretty zapped. Yes from a sick baby, and lots of activities, work deadlines, mothering 3 kiddos, nursing, and trying to keep all the balls in the air. But, note to self, this is my life. This is what it will be like for the foreseeable future and beyond. So I have to find a way to keep fitness as part of my life. I remember feeling like I didn't need a nap, but I don't remember WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE again. I need it back. And it's worth it to me to get it back.

After blogging each day for 8 days, I'm in the habit of getting some pictures uploaded off the camera, coming here, writing about something. After working out for 7 days (8 at the end of today), it is starting to feel more like a WHEN not an IF. But my energy isn't quite back yet. Last night when I started the DVD (well actually my DVD is lost at the moment so I'm using Comcast on Demand - Exercise TV style, until my new one arrives from Amazon) at 9pm after a little push from Lawrence who is proud of me for wanting to get there again, I REALLY didn't want to do it. And I dialed it in a little bit. But it was good. I got sore and sweaty. And more important I moved one day closer to the point of habit again.

And maybe, just maybe, I have more of an addictive personality than I think. I'm kind of an all or nothing girl. (Shoulda known that based on the binge drinking in college!) And if this case "all" can be a half hour a day of working my body hard in exchange for more energy. Then by all means, get me addicted. One day at a time, (wait, doesn't sound quite right...).

Interestingly enough none of my goals this time are physical. Actually none of my goals are mental either. There are no goals really, except to just do it. Every day for 30 days. And I'm just doing it, one day at a time. No matter what.

I want this habit back. And I wanna be hot and energetic when I'm 60, so that Lawrence and I can have fun together doing stuff that isn't easy with 3 young kids. We keep saying that, during these weeks of divide and conquer parenting. When do I get to connect with my teammate and partner again? But the good news is, I recently realized it's when Lawrence is 60, not me, I'll still be a spry 55 and a 1/2 when the kids are graduated from High School. And who knows - I have a glimpse of a day sooner than that when we could be active as a family and I might not be carrying somebody. One can dream. In the meantime, I don't want to rush it. I love this age, and this age, and that age. I am enjoying these days of busy, and blowing kisses, and carrying, and caring for. I just wanna wish for a nap a little bit less. I'll do it, I'll get there. I always do.

7 blogs in 7 days - Day 7 -Lily's 5th Bday Party - Carnival Style

Okay, so in my 7 blogs for 7 days, I haven't cleared off so much back log that I'd hoped. I guess that's because this was a crazy week of firsts and I wanted to document it all as we went. If I had to write a blog each day, I didn't really feel like going back and digging up old drafts and old pictures to dust off, when I had new stuff I couldn't wait to write about and record.

The good news is that I shared some pretty important stuff in a timely matter which almost never happens, and I feel freed to keep blogging as life comes rather than feeling like "how could I blog about that when I haven't even written about the first days of school, and buses, and soccer YET." So YAY. So - This wasn't exactly what I wanted, and it's also not exactly what I'd planned on. But still fun and productive just the same. And it's also what I had time for.

Pretty weak on the comment love though, guys. Pretty weak. Ah, well, it's so much more for me, this blog. I mean I know some of you love it. But really. I love to look back at stories I wrote about long ago, things I never would have remembered, things that make me laugh and cry. And sometimes, when "long ago" is really a week ago, and I'd totally forgotten something important that I already blogged about, I am so glad. And sad. About all the unblogged amazing happenings in our life.

For day 7 I decided to go back to the oldest draft . It was from almost a year ago. Lily's 5th birthday party. She turns 6 next month, and I just HAD to post this before she actually turned 6!

At least one draft is done, and that might be IT for 2009. Hurray, just as we are about to conclude 2010. That's about where I am with my scrapbooking too, one year behind.

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Started on 11/10/09. Really? My birthday, odd.
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For Lily's 5th Bday, Lawrence and her decided to do a Carnival Themed Bday party. To me this sounded kind of nuts and a lot of work, but it all came together very nicely.

We had a duck pond, a fishing pond, cake walk, pinata, and pin the tail on the donkey.

There were 17 kids and 7 families, counting ours. Rather than goodie bags we had a prize box and the kids goodies were the prizes they collected at the games above. Lawrence had some grand ideas that really stressed me out but with the help of my mom and Sabine, we were able to pull it off nicely.

It was the first time Lily invited her own friends, ones that I didn't know their moms. Two girls from her class. It will be interesting for me as the years go on, and less of my friends come to her parties and more of her friends. Luckily, from each of these 7 families, there is at least one close friend her age, who I'm sure will continue to get invited year after year. I'm worried that we are getting to the age where kids just get dropped off parentless for birthdays and it becomes child care for 17 of her nearest and dearest friends who have consumed an insane amount of SUGAR. :)

LILY's FIFTH BIRTHDAY DAY, it was a Wednesday or something.
This is the morning of Lily's real birthday. I'd forgotten about this picture, but simply LOVE it because of how HAPPY Addie is that it is Lily's birthday. I remember that morning so clearly!
Lily got a home made ice cream cake with just the fam on her big day

What's for dinner? PANCAKES. And she helped make them too!

Making cupcakes before her party.
Making cupcakes with mama and Bryson

PARTY TIME! I do cake first as to not send kids home with a sugar high right before dinner. No one repays that favor, so I may switch it up this year... :)
For some reason Lily was on top of her cupcake and her eyes were burning so she did this. Luckily, nothing singed!
The perfect candle blowing out shot

Cake walk!
Fish Pond + Q



Pin the tail...

2 of her Besties, and daughters of mine, Alex & Rachel
Duck Pond

Waiting for the head butt mania. Oh, I mean pinata.
Alex pulling the winning string from the pinata and the candy mid-air. Oh wait, we didn't do much candy, mostly Oriental Trading Company crap! :)

That's a wrap.

A day that changed my life

Eleven years ago today, I wore a black long tight skirt with slits up both sides, a tight red v-neck shirt, and some slip on sandals that made a flippy flop sound when I walked. I was so carefree and tan and thin and blond, who knows if I even showered that day, or if I just brushed my hair, teeth, and put some deodorant on and walked out the door. I probably threw on some eyeliner, lipliner and chapstick at a red light in my rear view mirror, because that was where I did my "make-up".

Off to NYK quality training. It was a day off work. My first company - sponsored training. Every new employee had to go to Quality training, and I was a little bummed because I was going to the one in Boise, ID. It wasn't exciting for me, because I lived in Boise, ID. Everyone else I knew went to the one in LA*, NYC**, Chicago***, or even Seattle. But I'd gotten chosen for the lottery of the first ever locally sponsored training. I'd been at my new job for about 9 months, and I was liking it quite well. It was my first thing after college, and I felt like quite the little professional, with my own desk and email address and whatnot. I'd just been offered a position to move to NEW YORK** the day before, and I'd accepted it, I was going. It was a good day.

(*Long Beach, CA; **Secaucus, NJ; *** Lombard, IL; - But, whatever, at this point, I'd grown up in Joseph, OR, went to college in Missoula, MT, and lived in Boise, ID. My pond was small)

I walked in to training and sat across from a pretty cute guy eating a bagel with butter on it. I heaped on cream cheese on my own bagel and chit chatted with him over breakfast. The cute guy was from the Chicago office, as were most of the people in the room who were not from Boise. He was originally from NJ, so I told him I might be moving to the NY office. He corrected me that that office was not in fact in NY, but NJ, and that he'd worked at that office too - just had been transferred to Illinois at his own request. He wanted to know WHY I would want to move to NJ? Had I ever been there? Why did I think I would like it?

I was 22, and really...who CARED? Of course I would like it! My company was moving me accross the country and I was gonna be a CPA, it would be AWESOME!! What did cute guy know about it anyway?

Cute guy didn't want to go to the training in Boise, IDAHO either. It was a 5 hr flight with stops. The only direct flight into IDAHO comes from UTAH. Period. He wanted to go to the one in NJ, free 2 hr direct flight trip home to see his family and friends.

But here we both were. We were in the same group during small group time. We might have had to do some sort of skit together. Cute guy was funny, and smart. His smile had an extra little twinkle for me. I was gorgeous and confident, with a sparkley smile of my own...but I didn't know it at the time. After the training was over, my friend said, 'Wow, Cute Guy from Chicago is totally CUTE". "Yeah, but he's totally in Chicago" was my only reply. I'd just gotten out of a long distance disaster with a stand up comedian, and was not in the market for finding love in another time zone. Still, he was cute. And funny...

As it turns out. Eleven years ago was the day that made me decide that fate really does exists.

That one day training seminar for NYK Quality.

That cute guy from Chicago changed my life. He was the first man to ever show me unconditional love. Five months later, he gave up Chicago and moved to New Jersey even though he didn't want to live there. Two years later, he asked me to marry him. I remember that day, thinking, I can't believe someone actually wants to marry me. And he did marry me. Then he gave me a daughter, and then another, and a finally a son. The first time I saw him whisper 'I love you' to our child, when he didn't know I was looking, I wept at how beautiful it was.

He changed me and loved me in all the ways a person can be loved. He showed me that all the things that didn't work out in my life led me to him. He taught me that when you need a change in your life, you just need to walk home from school another way. He showed me the beauty in my disappointments. He made me feel safe. Every single day he makes me feel like I'm not in this alone. I'm not in anything alone. I'm not perfect, he's not perfect, but we are perfect together. Cheesy as that sounds, it's true. I still remember the little things that impressed me about him in the early days. And I laugh at how easy it was to impress that wounded but strong little girl. I love how he wasn't trying to impress, he was just a great guy. Anyone who knows him knows that he is 100% real. I never have had to wonder where I stand with him, because he puts it out there and doesn't pretend he's anything he's not. If he's mad he acts mad, and if he's happy he acts happy. If he offers to help you move, he wants to help, if he doesn't want to, he won't say yes. If he wants to watch Sportscenter, he wants to watch Sportscenter. :) He did send me 2 cards per day every single day for the five months that we were long distance, so maybe he was trying to impress...just a little. And every once in a while he'll write me a poem or give me a card, just because. Just because he thinks I'm great.

He tells me all the time that he's lucky to be married to me; that I'm the best wife, mother, and woman there is. And he believes it. He believes in me. And that helps me to believe too.

July 11, 1999 - Our first airport goodbye

The faces that light up my days