Hello, friend - It's been a while

Today is a work from home day, the first in a few weeks, my audit is nearing a close, and I'm drowning a little less.  There is no way to catch up on all the blogs I've missed writing since December, but that might not be the worst thing.  For the first time in my life, I felt a real and severe depression, and it wasn't what I expected depression would feel like.  It was going on for a few months before I even realized it was what was happening.  I was prescribed some meds, but ended up not taking them, I did however start seeing a counselor to try to learn to work through some of life's stresses in a healthier way, understand Who I was living for, and ultimately how to find some peace for myself, before even, my family.

So maybe I'm kind of glad that I didn't blog every sad day of the last 6 months, but I know I missed recording a bunch of the happy stuff too.  I've been alone, mostly.  Just me and my family.  I've exchanged some emails with friends, and a couple of quick conversations, but mostly I've been isolated, and work has been my "me" time.  Being lonely makes a girl do a whole lot of thinking and praying.  Friends say things to me like, "Oh, Jenny, I wish I'd known, I wish you'd called me", but the truth is, I don't and haven't even felt like talking about it.  And that's part of why I stopped blogging.  I didn't feel like writing about the way our (read my) life was going day in and day out. 

I am so grateful to our moms, my brother, and to the few friends who I did stay in touch with over the past few months.  For those that didn't put the pressure on me to be more or do more than I could.  For those that sent me encouraging emails and gchats about how I could make it through.  On Feb 1st I started exercising again.  I started with the 30 day shred in 35 days, and then I've kept up with this unlikely group of 7 on a private blog, what started at a group of about 20, quickly dwindled, all from various walks of life, the 7 of us write in each day to say that we did or did not exercise, and set our weekly goals, talk about how much water we drank, you know, exciting stuff.  Through all of this, exercise and daily endorphins (along with the daily encouragement of those 7 amazing inspiring ladies) have got me through.  The last month, I haven't met the goals I've set for myself, but I have run two 5Ks and I am still working out about 4 times a week.  It's good.  I have to let good be enough.  Lawrence is a super dad.  I am so thankful to him for doing so much for the kids and the house when I've been absent or useless.  I'm also to blessed to have our AuPair, Julia, who loves the kids so unconditionally, they miss me when I work long days, but I never ever have to worry about them, because they know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they are loved.  So loved!

Lawrence coached Lily's T-ball team, and last night was the last game.  We had a party after and he passed out trophies.  I was so proud of my man, as I watched him get his photo with each beaming kid, and listened to their parents thank him profusely (the way I do for both of the girls' teachers).  Sometimes it is important that I stop and look at him for who he is and thank my lucky stars that he wanted to marry me. 
 
I'm so acutely aware of how much I appreciate the way my regular happy brain works.  I won't take for granted my positive outlook and my ability to power through ever again.  Because not having that sucks.

June 1st.

It was a date that was out there, waiting for me, like a life preserver, like if I can just get to June 1st, I'll be okay.  But it was So.Far.Away.  I had a (one of many) meltdown on Feb 15th, and thought that June 1st might never come.  But now it is only a week away.  The bulk of the audit at work is over, and the sun occasionally has been showing it's sweet face.  I have a few days at the beach planned in a few weeks with my family.  My baby is almost 1.5 and my girls are about to graduate from their first year at their new schools.  They are all so big and so beautiful.  It's a new season.

And I'm so ready for it.

Day 8 - habits

This picture of Addie having the time of her life doesn't have much to do with this blog post topic. But I think a post with a picture is better than a post without a picture. And it makes me happy. And that's sort of the point of everything...


Today is day 8 of blogging even though I'm officially done with this round of 7 blogs in 7 days. It is also day 8 of my 2nd round of the 30 day shred. I haven't actually completed day 8, but I will. I will.

I started my first round of the shred back on Feb 1 when I was on my maternity leave with Bryson, at 7 weeks postpartum, my goal was to be out of maternity clothes by the time I returned to work, when he would be 13 weeks old. I completed the goal with energy to spare. I came back to work in regular people clothes and with a renewed sense of purpose for finding 20-30 "me time minutes" each day for working out. I scaled back my every day regiment to 5 days a week rather than 7, you know, to be realistic that off days would be necessary. I was pleasantly surprised by my good can-do attitude and the energy I had. I loved the fact that I did have days where I wasn't begging for a nap 30 minutes after waking in the morning. Better than that, working out had become part of my day, part of my week, in a way that I hadn't experienced since college. There wasn't a question of IF I would workout but WHEN. But then mid - May some deadlines came crashing down. I took a week off, but I got back on. For one week. Then another week off. Then it got nice out and I didn't want to work out to a DVD. I was sick of looking at Jillian's mug. Lawrence hurt his shoulder and stopped with his work out regimen. Every time I set a goal all summer long, I couldn't stick to it, even for a week, and gave up. I was annoyed with myself, but felt pretty good physically and emotionally so my motivation evaporated.

Over the summer, I was active, I certainly didn't put myself back into maternity clothes. But I'm not feeling great. My energy and mood have been pretty zapped. Yes from a sick baby, and lots of activities, work deadlines, mothering 3 kiddos, nursing, and trying to keep all the balls in the air. But, note to self, this is my life. This is what it will be like for the foreseeable future and beyond. So I have to find a way to keep fitness as part of my life. I remember feeling like I didn't need a nap, but I don't remember WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE again. I need it back. And it's worth it to me to get it back.

After blogging each day for 8 days, I'm in the habit of getting some pictures uploaded off the camera, coming here, writing about something. After working out for 7 days (8 at the end of today), it is starting to feel more like a WHEN not an IF. But my energy isn't quite back yet. Last night when I started the DVD (well actually my DVD is lost at the moment so I'm using Comcast on Demand - Exercise TV style, until my new one arrives from Amazon) at 9pm after a little push from Lawrence who is proud of me for wanting to get there again, I REALLY didn't want to do it. And I dialed it in a little bit. But it was good. I got sore and sweaty. And more important I moved one day closer to the point of habit again.

And maybe, just maybe, I have more of an addictive personality than I think. I'm kind of an all or nothing girl. (Shoulda known that based on the binge drinking in college!) And if this case "all" can be a half hour a day of working my body hard in exchange for more energy. Then by all means, get me addicted. One day at a time, (wait, doesn't sound quite right...).

Interestingly enough none of my goals this time are physical. Actually none of my goals are mental either. There are no goals really, except to just do it. Every day for 30 days. And I'm just doing it, one day at a time. No matter what.

I want this habit back. And I wanna be hot and energetic when I'm 60, so that Lawrence and I can have fun together doing stuff that isn't easy with 3 young kids. We keep saying that, during these weeks of divide and conquer parenting. When do I get to connect with my teammate and partner again? But the good news is, I recently realized it's when Lawrence is 60, not me, I'll still be a spry 55 and a 1/2 when the kids are graduated from High School. And who knows - I have a glimpse of a day sooner than that when we could be active as a family and I might not be carrying somebody. One can dream. In the meantime, I don't want to rush it. I love this age, and this age, and that age. I am enjoying these days of busy, and blowing kisses, and carrying, and caring for. I just wanna wish for a nap a little bit less. I'll do it, I'll get there. I always do.

7 blogs in 7 days. Day 1 - That other side of the aisle...the other side of "that generation"

Last year I copied my blog friend Aimee after she did 7 blogs in 7 days. It was great, I cleared out all of my draft posts from summer and before in order to make way for new fall fun. This year we decided to do it again together. I thought we started tomorrow. Ah well, I've been known lately for my dropping the ball...In other news, I also started another 30 day shred today. So it's day 1 all around for me...

Don't forget some comment love to help me keep up with my 7 and my 30! :)

A few weeks before vacation I did all the school shopping for the Lily and Addie's school supplies. I was quite proud of myself having it all done and organized a month in advance, since the past two years I was not nearly as on top of things and was stuck searching for a glue stick anywhere in the greater Portland area. Luckily last year it was only for Lily. This week Lily starts Kindergarten and Addie starts preschool and their backpacks have been lugged around full of their complete supply lists for days.

The thing that I wasn't on top of this year was the school clothes shopping for Lily. This always throws me for a loop when we have a vacation scheduled for the end of summer. I spend the weeks before vacation shopping for clearance summer-y outfits or on-sale swimsuits going out of season. This year, I also kind of put it off knowing that we had a lot of cute summer dresses that only needed a few sweaters and some leggings with Mary Janes that would 'fall' them up and carry her through the first few months of school. I also thought I would find said leggings and sweaters with a quick trip to Target. On Labor Day.

Addie is thoroughly stocked as far as clothes go. In fact she always has been. Besides her sister's ample wardrobe to pick from, she also isn't really growing and at 3 years old just fits into 2T nicely (and even 18month - for shorts / skirts, for that matter), and she has the hand me downs from the 3 Rose girls. But Lily doesn't have any older girls feeding her with their cutie outgrown hand me downs, and she keeps getting taller and taller. And her feet, dear lord her feet! Today I bought her 3 pairs of shoes and 2 of them, get this are SIZE ONE, in Women's. WOMEN'S! My five year old!

Anyway, mostly she is in size 6 for clothes and most of her existing pants are size 5T, a tad short and they "rub" a little. Today I ran to Target to get her a few more pairs of leggings, a couple of sweaters, and some jeans. Target is close and easy and I always can find something priced well for cute stuff. Not. Today. First of all, she has moved from the "Toddler/Baby Girl" section to the "Girls" section. I'm on the right side of the aisle, not the left. And I LOVE the left side.

First since Addie was born I could ALWAYS find them a matching outfit. Size Newborn and 3T dresses, no problem. Need 12-18month and 4T matching Easter Bunny Jammies, I have six to choose from. Matching sisters is not only something that they love, it's something I love. They look so adorable all matchy match. But now they are in a different size bracket, maybe forever. Until they are in their 20s. Yikes. Second, everything costs at least $10 more for big girl rather than little girl. Third, I simply do not like most of the clothes in the BIG girl section for a six year old. Unlike the LITTLE girl section where it is hard to find something that is not simply adorable. Granted I was only looking at Target, I haven't looked at everything that is out there, but I guess I'm just annoyed that I have to try harder to find cute things for my cute daughter. Clothing her has been so easy. It all looks so good on her and when I'm discouraged about not being able to find something for me, I simply buy a basic tunic T and some stretch pants or a skort and she looks adorable. For under 15 bucks. No more. I just looked at Old Navy online and I did LIKE some of the things in her size, but they were like $25-30 for ONE item. It's not that I'm cheap, it's just that I'm used to being able to cloth my LITTLE girl for very little money and I want her to still be a LITTLE girl, but instead she is a BIG girl. When she was a 5T, $100 would honestly buy at least 10 items, more with my smart shopping. Now as a size 6, it buys 4 items, if I'm lucky, at a discount store. Darn.

Not to mention, she still acts like a LITTLE girl. She wanted each and EVERY pretty thing she saw today. I was actually forced to buy a LITTLE girl style pink butterfly sweatsuit that was a little too big for her, made by Haines for $5.99 because it was so soft that she did not want to take it off. I figured she could wear it after some rainy soccer games this winter when it is freezing out. She also BEGGED for some pleather stretch pants, which I did let her try on in the wrong size so that I could blame the size rather than my strict-no-pleather-under-my-roof-rule that Stacy and Clinton have instilled in me. Heh. She just liked them because they were so SHINY. I almost wanted to buy them, but not for $19.99, just to see the look on Lawrence's face when he pulled out her new Kindergarten hooker-wear. It also seemed like one HOT new style (for big girls) is a dress that is T-shirt on top and prom dress from the 80s on the bottom. Of course Lily loved these. Comfy shirt, poofy skirt, what's not to love. Luckily they were short sleeved and I convinced her that we were only looking for long sleeves. I steered clear of a whole section because I spotted a long sleeved tutu goth outfit that I knew she would love due to the tulle and glitter and the black unitard thingy. There was one ugly shirt that she touched the glitter/guitar/peace sign front to "ooo and ahh" and then said "ugh" instead. "Nope," she said matter of factly as she held up her three glittery fingers. "Glitter" she showed me. Sidenote: Lawrence has a REAL issue about glitter and how it gets everywhere, and Lily is so sweet and conscientious about it, even though she loves glitter. Seriously, I sighed relief as I smiled at her sweetness. It's not that she is in charge of what we buy. I can still talk her into and out of anything that I want her to get. But I did want her to pick some stuff and I expected a much more fun mother / daughter shopping trip. Don't get me wrong, she had a blast. But I...just felt old and sad that I didn't like the clothes that were available for her.

And I chuckled at myself at the way I'd categorized our whole life because I couldn't go to Target the day before school starts and find everything I wanted for the first few weeks of school for fifty bucks. By the way, they DID have the leggings I wanted for $4.99, it's just that they were out. So, of course it is the end of the world, right?

Lily is just so sweet and smart and compassionate and strong willed and naive and funny and bossy and worldly. We've worked really hard for the things that are important in life to us to be important to her. Family, friends, love, teaching, God, learning, respect, work-ethic, fun, and boundaries. We are about to enter a new season of life where she goes off to school, and not preschool that we are opting for but one where she rides the bus and kids might be mean and she is entering the school that continues for then next 13 years. It's different and it's exciting and it's sad.

I know all of you moms out there who have kids that are 8-9-10 and into the teenager years are laughing at me, like, "ha, you just WAIT!". And I know. I know I have a lot of school shoppings and first days ahead of me where it doesn't go down the way I'd hoped. I know that a day might come where I BEG for that t-shirt on top and prom dress on bottom outfit + leopard print leggings. I know that there are many days ahead when I'll have to let go of her wardrobe in order to hold tighter to our relationship. It's just that we aren't there yet. And it makes me sad as I think about heading there. My big girl is still only 5. And she acts that way, and I treat her that way.

So I don't wanna dress her like she is 6.

Withdrawing

A week ago I said I was on fire to update my blog and declutter the draft list. But I just can't get there. I'm really in a mental funk, and I'm having a hard time getting out.

Being a working mom is hard. At the end of the day it feels like I just get the scraps of parenting left, missing their happy and well rested days that I work so hard for. On the weekends I get re-filled by the time with my children, it feels like it's going to be enough to get me through another work week to reach the weekend on the other side. But sometimes it's not.

Yesterday it was only Monday and it was not. It started too early, it lasted too long. My stay at home mom friends will tell you that their days are really hard too, that their 'to do' lists don't get done, that the stress and frustration of the day often overwhelms them to their limits. And I know that's true.

But, at the end of their day - spending a few minutes with their kids, is not still waiting at the top of a very long to do list. And that's the difference. A very hard difference that often isolates me and makes me feel very lonely in all this.

At the end of yesterday, I cried. Because I was tired, because I was sad, because I was frustrated, because I want to be more than I am.

I can feel my self wanting to withdraw. Me! The wants-to-connect-with-everyone-all-the-time-girl. Wants to withdraw. This is so not like me. Every small request that comes from any direction gives me anxiety. Whether it's a request to meet for coffee, come to a funeral, drop something off, send a card, email a picture, pay a bill, check a date on the calendar, come to a birthday party. I panic. And then I feel pissed. I'm so overwhelmed and I guess my brain is telling me that if I shut down and disconnect from more people - I won't have to deal with as much. I want to be in a little bubble with just me and the people who live in my house, and that's it.

Of course that's not really the root of my problem. Nor is it really my answer.

The problem is I'm a working mom who has 3 kids who aren't yet school age. In my pity party last night, I realized that I do not know a single mom who works with 3 children who are not yet old enough to be in school. In a way that's a little bit comforting, it allows me to give myself a break, but it also hard because I feel really alone. I don't have someone I can connect with relating to this.

Lawrence is so sweet and supportive, and he wants to know what he can do to help me feel better. And so I give him some things, relating to consistency with discipline, or mood, or tone, but mostly there isn't anything anyone can do. I don't even really want to talk about it because I don't want sympathy, I don't want pity eyes, I don't want, "I don't know how you do it". So for yesterday he said, "Let's control the one thing we can, and you go to bed early". So I did, and I was asleep by 9:30 and he fed Bryson his dream feed at 10pm, and I slept until Addie came in at 6am. And it helped. Some sleep helped.

Yesterday I had planned to start day 1 of a new 30 day shred in 40 days. I need to incorporate exercise back in my life. Not only for the physical, but mostly for the mental health it provides me. But I didn't. I'll start that today I guess, yesterday I needed to melt down and then go to sleep.

Work is extremely high pressure right now. There are so many things that are high priority. I'm blessed because I have a great job, and a great boss, and a great staff - and because of all of those things, I am able to barely do all I do.

Addie still continues to have the hardest time with me back to work. It is heartbreaking to see her, she just seems generally less happy, or less happy around me. She and Lily both cling to me and act like bed time is torture, they whine and cry when it's time for me to leave for work, especially Addie. Working from home 2 days a week, saves me the commute time, and the rat race in the evening. It allows me to have lunch together with them and put Addie down for her nap. It allows Sabine to do something with the girls while Bryson naps. But it is hard for Addie to have me home and not to be with me. It's hard for her if I'm in the same room or if I even come in to get a drink of water. She has to readjust to me going back to my office to work again. She is just a mess at least 50% of the time. It pains me to see her hurting. I'm dreading a few months from now when happy & smiling Bryson will start going through separation anxiety and will cry when I leave as well. It will break. my.heart. He is the easiest of the three right now, but requires the most amount of time. But he's so loving and happy, so it seems easier. He's needs are basic and easy to meet, and I don't second guess my self or feel guilty on a daily basis like I do with the other 2. Lily continues to get the short end of the stick with my patience, but she's really an awesome help. She and Addie have been fighting more, and I'm told that happens when, out of survival, kids feel the need to win the heart of moms and dads. To win their time and attention. Some of this is normal, but it's really stepped up a notch over the past month. Great. I know kids are resilient. I know we will all be okay.

And I will continue to revolve my weekends and evenings around them. I will continue to let the laundry and dishes and filing and clutter and mess in the garage pile up so that I can spend every moment with them in the evenings until bed time. I will get to bed earlier, leaving emails unanswered and thank you cards unwritten. I will get my exercise in so that I can have more energy and patience. I have to, because these are the things I can control. These are the things that can do with out me. My husband and my kids cannot, nor can I do with out them. I have to find a way to do less, so I can do more.

But if it seems like I've been missing, from phone calls and facebook and emails and from this blog, it's because I'm struggling, that's where I'm at. I'm withdrawing to put a protective bubble around my house.

If you are my friend or if you are my family, you know I have a generous heart, and I give of my time and my energy and my heart to everyone, all the time. It's hard for me to be selfish. It's hard for me to say no. So I guess I can ask you to not ask anything of me for a few weeks...I'm hanging on by a thread and I just can't do any more right now.

I didn't write this to sound like a downer. I wrote it to be honest about what life is like as a working mom of three. Sometimes it is kind of a downer, that's the truth. Being a mom and a wife and a friend is awesome. I refuse to be discontented with the hard things in my life. And that's kind of where I've been during the week lately, I come up on the weekends gasping for air. So I just need to find a way to get through this tough time. I'm someone who loves my life. I'm someone who loves my family and my friends. And I'm someone who always finds a way to see the good, have faith in God's plan for me, and who will walk through the tough stuff, holding tight to the great stuff.

This is just a season, and this too shall pass. I know that. I'm not even really looking for it to pass. Passing means they grow up, and I know there will be a day that I look back and LONG for them to be this size. So I want to savor this time, not hope for it to pass. And as long as I'm in my little bubble with my little household, I'm really okay. It's when the outside world, good intentioned as it may be, starts crashing in, that I start to feel that can't handle any more.

Something old...something new...or not

I was gchatting with a friend (that's google chat for those of you who aren't google IMers) and she was comparing a hard decision I was making to buying a new shirt. How when you like two and can't decide, you often choose neither, or you get home and you wish you'd gotten the other one.

This is a friend who I can usually relate to on nearly every level. But when she wrote this, I couldn't imagine what she meant. Then I realized why. I didn't remember buying a new shirt and getting it home. Because I haven't. In. So. LONG! Here it is, nearly May 1, 2010 and my last purchase of a new peice of clothing for myself was in 2008!!! Now I know that I was pregnant 9 months of that time, and broke most of the rest of the time, but really? So are most of the rest of the world and they are running all over in their new shirts! 2008? Do I even still get to count as being a girl?

When I shared that with her she said, "That's why your debt snowball rolls on and mine got caught in a ditch somewhere".

Have I really become so frugal that I don't buy a new shirt for over a year? Is that even allowed?

The debt snowball is something that I learned from Dave Ramsey. You line up all your debts in order of balance, ignoring all interest rates, smallest to largest. You list out your minimum payments on each. Then you pay off the smallest debt first. Once that's gone you use that payment plus the minumum payment to pay off the next smallest, then you are paying number 3 lowest with 3 minimum payments. This allows you to free up some monthly cash for all these little things and your "snowball" builds momentum. You feel powerful by getting stuff paid off and you are more likely to stick with it. You get out of the mentality that now you have this "free" money to play with when you pay something off, you use it to pay something else off.

Somehow we got out of Lawrence's period of unemployment last year with no additional debt. Our snowball stalled, but it didn't melt. And April 30 has been the day we have been looking ahead to for about 6 months, it's the day we'll start to get back on track.

HEY! That's today.

I think it's important for us to take snapshots of where we are so we can see progress. (Maybe that's why I posted the before and after for my shred). Sometimes it's hard to see because you don't "get" anything for paying off debt. That is the whole idea. To use your money to think ahead and not back. To save for things rather than pay off things. And by the way, you do get something. Freedom. From debt.

Last year I posted that we had decreased our debt in one year by $28K. From Jan 08-Jan 09. That wasn't all cash out, that was selling of a car, and getting realistic about what we NEED vs what we WANT. I'm happy to report that in 2009 we paid off an additional 12K. Not as exciting as the year before...but hey, there was less to sell, less to get rid of, etc and that is a total of 40K in two years. WOW. It feels good to know we are still headed in the right direction a little at a time. If you know my debt story, you know that for me this all started when I read "The Total Money Makeover" and then Lawrence read it. And then we had one, a total money makeover that is. We thought that because we didn't have all kinds of credit card debt, that we didn't have debt. But when we looked at our nice cars and our nice house we thought, when did over 300K in debt become "no debt"? And we are totally normal for our generation. This is normal. Except THIS IS NOT NORMAL! This paying off debt is no fun, and it's not normal, but as Dave says,

"If you live like no one else, later you can live like no one else".

I'm pretty sure he'd want me to get a new shirt on occassion though, so this weekend, I might just have to do that! You know, since we are getting back on track and all.

A little bit of drowning.

A few of you have reminded me that there are no blog posts since Mar 22. Well that was the day I returned to work, and my new normal changed. So that's the reason there are no posts. Because today is that last day of the quarter, and because I have no time to share the good the bad, and the ugly with you all, I'm going to to give you a "little things" list, JCH style (her style is way more articulate and spunky than what I have time or energy to do)!

Going back to work hasn't been as bad as I thought
Going back to work has been a million times harder than I thought
Got walked in on at work while pumping by male coworker = humiliating
Milk supply isn't the best, but I'm making due. One bottle of formula per day.
Sabine is in Miami today to meet one of her BFFs from Germany who came to see her- SO excited for her.
Mom came to watch the kids
Mom's car broke down 25 miles outside of Portland (she lives 6 hrs away so it could be worse)
Mom's car can't be fixed
Used car shopping with mom this week
New work out goal is 5 days out of 7 per week
Last week I did 6 days! Love extra credit.
This weekend I get to go jean shopping.
With a gift card from Xmas. Wahoo!
My friend Julie has cancer again. For the third time. After an 11 month "break". I'm pissed! Devastated! Grrr. Words can't describe how much I wish she didn't have to rally her troops and get her fighting gloves on. AGAIN!
Damn Chemo is getting in the way of a super fabulous vacation she had planned though, and that BITES!
Riding in a car with my mom driving is enough to make me wanna drink
Riding with my mom driving in a stranger's car, in the city, while they sit in the back seat = priceless thrill ride (of course, no offense mom!)
Keep "forgetting" to eat or drink water all day and that is no good - but where to fit it in.
B at work, was on vacation at work for 3 days last week. SHE DOES A LOT OF WORK. I know, cause I did her job while she was out. I'm not good at her job. I'd rather review that work, not DO it.
I'm glad she's back, and will make sure to treat her like the GEM she is from now on!
I scrapbooked last Friday and Sunday - I'm up to June 2009!
Shred on-line boards has added 4 members looking for accountability partners; positive energy from great women supporting each other is essential for a lovely life
I can't stop wondering if being "brave" for posting before and after pics on this blog is a compliment or not?
I miss Robin Cummings!
Why are we so hard on ourselves, moms? STOP IT!!!
My friend Melinda came from Boise during the week to recycle some maternity clothes and cloth diapers passed on by another friend. Only a few minutes to chat, but great to see her. Found out her hubby is going to "the yucky place" with my brother next year. He's going, Matt's going, might be in the same unit, however all that works.
I'm getting to bed too late and getting up too early.
This is the first time I've set an alarm clock since having children.
BUT...Bryson is sleeping through the night.
Addie is going through the hardest time with me returning to work. Bedtime battles = understatement.
Lily has been doing awesome. She isn't getting the credit she deserves because I keep being too busy with the other two to notice properly. I'm working on that.
Seriously, my baby has the best smile ever...you can't help but get a little tickle in your heart when he squeals and smiles at the sight of you. Yummy!
My girls have started fighting with each other like sisters. A lot! It was a good ride...
We went to church on Sunday and I felt so loved by God. Especially during the singing.
Sabine came too, I liked having her there.
Passover is this week, we talked about it a lot and then hid the Matzah - Addie found it and got a dollar, then we hid it for fun. No one knows why we hide the afikomen, but we did it because that's what you do.
Saturday the Powers came over for a BBQ. It was great, the 3 girls played good. I love them and the friendship they bring. So excited their family is growing! Yep you heard that right? !!
Lawrence got to go skiing on Sunday, with a friend, he forgot what a good skiier he was with out me or kids to hold him back. HE DESERVED IT!!!
I'M SO SO SO SO SO SO thankful for how great Sabine did with my three children last week. She can totally do this. She can do it well.
I hate to think of the day when she will leave our family. I don't know yet when that is, but no matter when it is, it will be too soon!
Uncle Matt is on the way this morning so Gma Lanie "Yanie" as Addie says, doesn't have to go it alone. He has only been home for 3 days after drilling for a month in AZ, so I REALLY appreciate being able to count on him in a pinch.
Thanks to Heather too!
I haven't found my "organized" rhythm that makes me feel sane. No balance yet. Not sure what to do when I have a free minute because there are too many things to choose from.
So I chase my tail a lot. Sometime for 20 full minutes.
My husband has been amazing lately. He's really stepping it up with a smile. Our marriage feels SO strong and on the same wave length for several months now. Boy is that a good thing!
Date night is a MUST this weekend. A MUST!
We both need to dig a little deeper for patience and a good discipline strategy for our nutty 2.5 year old. Kinda going through the noneffective, inconsistent motions right now...with a dash of doing it right here and there.
This is my "me" time for the day. I'm drowning. Last day of the month and the quarter. Can't close until I finish my review of the year end closing that happened while I was on leave.
So.Much.To.Do.
I'm still in a good mood. A good drowning mood.
I am blessed.

Despite drowning this week, I can also say that I haven't been this strong, mind, body, and soul for a really long time. There isn't time to blog about it because I'm sinking most days with so much more to do than what is possible. There is a whole blog to write on each of these sentences. Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Thanks for your support this week Jenn, Sabine, Kirstin, Lawrence, and Mom...can't believe the overflow of love that keeps me afloat.

Today's negative nap

I'm sick with a cold. Today was one of those days that you are just PRAYING for a nap, from the second before you get out of bed you are thinking about when you can get back in bed. Sabine is in Hawaii, and I'm sick and exhausted. After lunch was eaten and Lily was off to school, it looked as if things might be aligning in kids schedule to allow for a nap. Meaning, Bryson and Addie *might* be asleep at the same time. But here's what happened:

12:30 walk in the door with Addie and Bryson. Get hands washed and go potty, hang up coats, put away shoes. Oh...and get Bryson out of his carseat.

12:45 put Addie down for her nap with Bryson, read a book, tuck her in, pray that it takes as I shut her door

12:50 return a call to my friend R. talk for a bit while Bryson plays and when he looks like he might be getting tired, I tell her I have to wrap it up, almost nap time.

1:20 Bryson is down
1:30 Call Lawrence to tell him I'm napping, don't call
1:32 I'm all tucked in with tissues and nodding off fast

1:44 Addie's door opens. It's been 59 minutes since I shut her door hoping for her normal 2 hr nap. I've been laying down for TWELVE MINUTES? That's worse than a NO nap, that's a negative nap. I'm more tired now then when I laid down! She wonders around the house calling for me, I put the covers over my head. She finds me anyway! :)

2:04 I'm back in bed, I've gotten her a drink and snack and taken her potty then put in a Clifford DVD for her. 3 episodes. That's one hour. I've put the chain lock on the front door just to be sure she doesn't try anything funny. I'm nodding off quick, not even feeling a little guilty.

2:10 I hear Bryson crying. His usual 45 minutes. SHIT! 6 minutes. Now I'm even more tired than the time before. I do not "do" power naps. I pull the blankets over my head. First I say a prayer that he will go back to sleep. God denies. Then I say a prayer that I will have the energy to deal with it. Again, no luck.

2:15 I'm back in bed with Bryson, after peaking on Addie ENTHRALLED with Big Red C. She's just starting episode 2 - if I can nurse Bryson to sleep (something I usually try to avoid), I have 40 minutes. I try to nurse him while we both lay down. We haven't done this for a while so he was confused at first and we both got a little milky. Then he did it. And we both fell asleep, milky and all.

2:45 Bryson wakes up LAUGHING. I'm startled. He is in his sleep but it is the cutest sound, even though I feel awful, I'm amused by his sleepy giggle. I muster a smile. It beats being woken up by crying. I look at the clock and am pleased with my 30 minutes of half asleep with my baby nursing nap. I'll take what I can get. Hey, takes care of a feeding too, one less thing. He ate the entire time. And it's time to get Lily anyway.

3:00 Go get Lils from school after making a monster cup of tea and gulping it down quickly. Followed by some V8 and Airbornne.

Sometimes when people say, sleep when the baby sleeps, but this is the reality, especially when you have more than one child. And when you aren't sick, there are lots of days when it's just not worth even trying. I've found that a cup of coffee and 24 minutes of shred, does much better for me that trying to catch a nap that will never be. It's a lot less frustrating too...

Speaking of, I DID shred today, even though I feel like crap. I didn't push hard and went through the motions. But I did it. So with that I must now collapse. Let's hope the night wakes me again with giggles and not cries. Is that asking for too much? :)

30 Day Shred - Before and After

Today I finished day 30 in my 30 day shred. I worked out, every. single. day. for the last 30 days. I can for SURE say that I have never done that in my entire life.

Tomorrow is day 31. I got good results, but as I hoped I would feel, it is only the beginning. I no longer dread or wonder WHETHER I'm going to do it, just WHEN. I've made working out a part of my day, and I've proved to myself that I can fit in this 25 minute DVD, and make a difference doing so.

So I'm going to be brave and post the before and after photos. My day 1 photos were not great. I took them on my phone by myself in a messy bathroom. I actually considered cleaning the bathroom before I took the photo. Procrastination tactic. Then I laughed to myself that I'd NEVER show these pictures to anyone. heh. And anyway, I'm photographing BACK FAT and here I am worried that you can see a tipped over bottle of lotion and some toothpaste splatters on the mirror? Ha.

I really didn't think I'd get results so quickly. Only a few days more than 4 weeks. Really after day 20 I felt so good about the pictures. And I started to think about whether I could be as bold as to post. Because it just goes to show you the changes you can make in UNDER THREE WEEKS if you really commit to something (and of course find something to work for you).

I started this at exactly 7 weeks postpartum and here I am at 11 weeks and 1 day, and I feel about 1000 pounds lighter. Tonight I packed up almost all of the maternity clothes. I actually don't know how many pounds I lost. Maybe around 7 or so. I also didn't measure inches. But it doesn't matter, I took the pictures I can see the results, but more importantly I can FEEL the results. I started this not being able to fit into a size 14 and now I'm comfortably in size 10.

For my previous two post-pregnancies I've waited until I was ready to get pregnant again to get serious about losing the weight. I'm glad I lost the weight before starting all over again, but this time I wanted to return to work feeling strong, not lethargic, in clothes I felt good about, not oversized maternity makeshift outfits. I don't need to buy new things, after a few more weeks of this, I have an entire closet full of stuff that will fit me. It's hard enough to go back to work, I wanted to feel as good as I could physically.

Please understand how vulnerable I feel about posting something like this, and be gentle with your comments. I just hope to inspire others who my be wanting to, to set a goal and go with it, and if you miss a day or miss a week, start again. Find friends who will encourage you and push you and hold you accountable. Be healthy, you owe it to yourself to feel good about how strong you can be. I've gotten so much more out of these 30 days - more than what I look like in the mirror - it's given me so much energy. I've been a better mother and wife because, even without a full night of sleep, I haven't been waiting until I get to take a nap each day. I've been enjoying so much more of my maternity leave because of that.

So without further ado, here are the before and after pictures. Enjoy the great hair and red sweaty face. That's a bonus! :)

Big thank you to Jenn, Loura, Dawn, & Laureen. And of course Lawrence. I couldn't have done it without your encouragement.

We heart the games

Dad and son catching a few events. This image of the two of them made me laugh, I just had to run and grab the camera.

There is just something about the Olympics that draws us in. We can't get enough. Normally, I would not care about ski jumpers or speed skaters or ice sweepers (okay, I'll admit, I hate curling...glorified shuffleboard on ice, that's a whole other story). But when you put those 5 rings together and give me the stories of those athletes' lives, I'm a total sucker. The pageantry, the athleticism, the pride in each country. I. LOVE. IT.

So when the Olympics come to town, er, TV, it is relaxing having 2 full weeks of knowing something is on that you want to watch when you want to watch it, but nothing that you have to watch when life is too busy for TV and the sun is shining out.

However, I do not highly recommend trying to fall asleep to the figure skating that they keep putting on at nearly midnight. (Why is this now considered prime time when usually that slot is for the late late late show, and no one is watching. I was so excited to be in the same time zone this year, and no dice for reasonable hours) The pit in my stomach as I will the skaters not to fall is adrenaline pumping and does not allow for easy drifting off. Yawn.

I'm teaching the girls the Olympic song. Do-do-duh-do-do-do-do. dodododotodooooo. You know the one. I just realized I'm not great at typing out a tune via keyboard. Just as I can't hummdinger worth a damn either. Extra credit to you if you know what I'm referring to when I say hummdinger, and DOUBLE extra credit to you if you've ever had to be my partner during said hummdinger when it's my turn.

Okay anyway, a little off track.

Each person at the Olympics has worked their entire life for this moment. Each fall or clean performance was the most important moment of their life so far. I cannot imagine that kind of pressure, whether you fail or when you succeed. I try to imagine something I wanted so badly and worked so hard for, and I really can't. The stories draw you in, and they make you want it for them so badly. I think I mentioned before, I.LOVE.IT. That is my kind of reality show.

Today I'm on day 19 of the 30 day shred. I feel great, and sore, and smaller, and stronger, and confident that I can get to March 2 doing all 30 days. Whoa! 30 days! I've never worked out 19 days in a row in my whole life. Ever. Now I try to imagine staying dedicated to work on something since I was nine years old. It is unfathomable to me. To most of us.

But that's what makes it so Amazing.

A weekend of heart

My breakfast....
Sweet sisters at Lily's school party

What a weekend. I'm not sure where to even start. I guess the beginning is probably a good place.

On Friday I went to Lily's Valentine party at school, and as usual, she was the most awesome big sister ever. She and Addie didn't leave each others side. Being around the house so often I forget how much they love each other when it's them and the world. I was in bed by 9pm because last week was a really exhausting week. Bryson has been up about 3x a night, starving. He's only napping for 45 minutes, so that means no naps for me. My knees have been killing me from the 30 day shred. In general just exhausted. Then he woke up FOUR times to eat that night. It might not have been so daunting except that Lawrence, Lily, & Sabine were waking up bright and early on Saturday morning to go skiing and I'd be on my own with him and Addie for a very busy Saturday. I kept the wakeups and tiredness in perspective because...

On Saturday I went to a funeral for an 8 month old daughter of my friend, Kim. Julia's celebration of life was absolutely beautiful. Probably the most touching funeral I've every been to. Her mama, Kim, actually spoke about Julia's little life, and I can't describe how moved I was by the whole service. I cried and cried and cried for a baby I barely knew who made such a big impact. Her four year old brother got up to say something, he talked about loving and playing with Julia, and I could barely catch my breath through my tears. The pastor's words and songs were so comforting, and it was obvious he had come to love this little girl and this family so much. Kim, as always, encouraged me to have more love and faith, and as I've said before to enjoy each and every moment I am given with my children as a gift. She lifted her hands lovingly to God for giving her the gift of Julia and changing them all forever.

I could have slept for days after I got home from the funeral - but that's not my reality - having that fresh and emotional perspective from the funeral gave me the energy to get through the day and afternoon paying attention to the little moments. Laughing and snuggling with Addie and watching Bryson as he discovered the mobile above his changing table. I also marveled at there perfectly made little bodies, and held them close as they took in each breath.

When Lawrence came home, everyone was excited. Lily and Sabine had done REALLY well skiing and they had photos and video and stories to tell. Both impressed by skiing so well, really turning and slowing and doing the chair lift very very well! My friend Shawna came over when I went to the funeral and Addie had a lot to tell about getting to play with Shawna. The girls danced and laughed and hugged and SCREAMED like they hadn't seen each other in years. Addie is a totally different kid without Lily. She behaves better and is a little less crazy. She loves to be the helper and she ANSWERS FOR HERSELF even, without big sis stepping in nonstop. But she also looks for her, waits for her, and misses her terribly.

Shortly after they came home, I pumped a bottle, got dolled up and Lawrence and I left to go to a 40th bday party of our good friend. It was so fun, we really had a blast without the kids. And it was easy because they only live a few blocks away. It is our 2nd 40th bday in a few months and we can't believe that we are in the season of 40th bday parties!!!! It seems like just yesterday everyone we knew was celebrating 30...

Today - Valentine's Day - the day everyone on FaceBook seems to love to hate - was so nice and relaxing. We did nothing, we stayed in PJs all day. We gave little to each other. Just hung out and rested and enjoyed the love of our family.

We decided to give the kids a few of our favorite books. Mine was The Pokey Little Puppy and Lawrence's was Ticky Ticky Tembo. We got Lily some BOB books from Powell's (used level one set for only $14!!!). I could write a whole other blog on her and reading. But Today SHE TOTALLY got it. She read me two of the books and was sounding it out all on her own. It was awesome. If you asked me when she was two (when she was writing her name and knowing all letters, lower and caps), I would have told you she'd be reading at 3 but for some reason she has been hesitant and every time we work on it, she gets crazy and silly and stops trying. I haven't pushed her, but I've known she could do it for well over a year, maybe 2. And today, SHE DID IT. So it was really exciting for me. And for her! She was so proud of herself, and so confident as she sounded each word out and then amazed said the word quickly as she knew what it was. I know this 'clicking' will make me happy many many many times in her smart little life. It already has as she can add and subtract and divide in her head like no other pre-ker I've seen! I enjoyed it so much today.

I have more to say and more pictures to post, but I need to go dream feed Bryson (who by the way is TWO MONTHS OLD today!!!) and it is almost 11pm, so it's time to post.

Happy Valentine's Day. Today and every day, I really love this life and the people in it.

I was going to post the link to last year's valentine's pictures and letters because I think it is fun to do, but we had 4 vday posts! I forgot that Lawrence did a "guest blogger" thing! I just re-read them and they are SO SO sweet. Man I love my man! :) The link below takes you to Feb 2009 archive, which contains an entry for out of the past, or Lawrence's 2008 vday poems to his three girls. Anyway, you have to scroll down so see the Vday stuff. But SO sweet!

http://hermanfamdam.blogspot.com/2009_02_01_archive.html

Moving through sizes and time

The new smile
There is no such thing
As a perfect picture
Of all three kids

Last night as Lawrence and I mused about our weekend, and how we barely saw each other, and didn't rest for a second it seemed, we also reflected that it had been a good one. We did some serious tag team parenting and while we both felt a little tired, we didn't feel overly worn to the ground exhausted. He said, "Don't worry hon, we'll have time for each other when we are 60, we'll fall in love all over again". Sweet. Then I said, "Is that why we both have to keep working out so hard, so that we can be attracted to each other and have the energy to do all the active things we love doing" [insert: and aren't possible with 3 kids, 5 and under]. It made me think about how important being active and staying in shape is. This isn't just to give ourselves energy right now, but to stay healthy for 5-10-20 years from now when we do have the freedoms to do some of the things we love and have given up to raise our babies, we have the energy and capable bodies then. And we know, taking of the weight and beating the lethargy isn't going to get any easier years down the road, when we do have more time...and less muscle mass slash slower metabolisms.

The 30 day shred is going good. I'm on day 8. Lawrence is on day 8 of running and doing 50 pushups. Man that guys chest muscles pop back into gear with only a week of no effort. I know Lily got his genes and I hope the other two follow suit. I'm always impressed by how fast he gets back into great physical shape in such a short period of time. He took Saturday running off, and that was partially my fault. I sent him to a 5 year old bday party with the girls so I could get my work out in and get Bryson his nap.

There is the song, "Remember When...", by a country singer (just looked it up for the link, Alan Jackson). Anyway, one time, my friend Jeanine told me that her husband, Otto, told her they were half way through that song. Since we keep having babies, we've stayed halfway through that song for several years.

Right now we are:
Remember when the sound of little feet
was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when
Remember when thirty seemed so old

Ever since Jeanine told me about Otto saying it to me, it pops into my head as I hear the sound of little feet. They are the music of our lives right now. And they will be for a while. I can't even imagine a day when they won't be, but I can imagine myself longing for that sound again. Even as I tell Lily, 'Walk quieter, don't stomp so hard". I know I'll miss the sound of that stomping someday when she starts tiptoeing to sneak in or out! :) I'll wish for the days when I knew every thought and worry in her little head. I'll miss the days that big tantrums got of all the bad stuff out. When falling to the floor in a weeping heap was all you had to do to rid your little body of disappointment. When hugs from mommy or a tic tac could take it all away.

As we discuss and contemplate whether Bryson will be our last baby or not, this hits me harder.
He's almost out of 0-3 mth clothes, a little over 13 lbs, and in size 2 diapers. And as I pack up the things that don't fit any more, I'm not sure whether I will use it again, and it's weird. As I put away maternity clothes that are too big, and squeeze back into my size 14 jeans (and I do mean squeeze), I wonder what will become of my beloved sweatsuits and soft bellied jeans. As I loan out clothes, both baby and maternity, making it fully clear that I don't know what I'm doing so I want every peice back, my heart jumps inside thinking that I might not really need anything back, anything at all. Oh, the closet space I will have. And the storage bins!

I really haven't had to buy one thing for little Addie, I saved each and every little thing from Lily, and as for Bryson, between generous gifting and lots of hand me downs from friends, he won't need much new either. So that leaves only Lily to shop for and she is growing like a week. I couldn't carry her to the potty the other night when Lawrence was out. (sometimes we do that before we go to bed on nights that we forgot to have her go before bedtime to ensure no extra middle of the night wake ups). She's not too big for me to carry when she jumps up and holds on tight, but dead weight, no chance I could do it. My baby is almost too big for my arms. So far only physically but only a matter of years before emotionally she will be too. Especially if I don't remember to nurture that relationship.

Honestly the relationship with her is the hardest to nurture when I'm short on time and energy, because she is so grown up and self sufficient. It's easy to lose my cool with her, because she knows better. It's easy to keep her as a right hand man, taking care of the little two, because she loves it and she is good at it. To some extent, all of this stuff comes with being the oldest child. But I also want to be mindful each day of her childness. She is just a little girl who would love nothing more than to play and snuggle day in and day out with her mama. And it's not going to last. So I'm trying to recommit and appreciate each moment, each and every one, with all three of them, so I don't look back, remembering when, with any regrets, or with any more sadness other than just missing it, missing them at these sizes.

FOR sure, I won't be missing me at this size. I'll have NO problem discarding the size 14 jeans when I'm back in a size 8. (AND I WILL GET THERE!) But I already miss the feeling of a baby kicking in my belly and I miss the knowing/gentle looks from strangers that something really special is about to happen to you. And this is only 8 weeks later. Bryson is 8 weeks today. So in two years, when we'd normally be ready to start trying to have another baby, I can't imagine what it will be like and how much I will miss it.

My friend, Kirstin (my water fitness partner), wrote an beautiful blog about how one thing has to come to an end before something else can become. In her case, her family of three comes to an end to make way for a family of four. I can really relate to that. If we "decide" (I use that term lightly as I realize it is never really up to us and it is by the grace of God we are given the gift of children in any situation) to stop having babies, there is another wonderful life outside of infancy of things to experience with our children and as a family, so if more babies comes to an end, I have no doubt that it will be replaced by equally as wonderful things, watching all our children grow.

My friend Kim, lost her daughter on Friday. I've mentioned Kim before, she is a friend of a friend, and Julia was diagnosed with many health complications at her 20 week ultrasound. Their family had 8 months on earth with Julia, and they did not take one day for granted as they knew her days were numbered and that it was entirely out of their control. I only got to meet beautiful little Julia once when she was a few months old, back in July, but I kept up on Kim's CaringBridge site and was encouraged by Kim's peace and faith and living joy in the moment with her little Julia and Julia's two big brothers. Please keep them in your prayers, especially the brothers (ages 2 & 4), as they all try to comprehend this loss that they knew was probable from day one and find peace and comfort in the 8 months they had with their little angel. I'm so thankful that Kim shared Julia's story with the world because her attitude was so inspiring to me. And she also reminded me each time she referred to Julia as perfect, that each child is perfect, just as they are, just as God made them.

It's been a few days since I blogged, and it is because I'm trying to make more time for non computer related things, I'm doing my 30 shred, and keeping up with a message board with my 4 friends virtually doing it with me. I know this is a bit of a hodge podge of topics, but as the kids grow, and I shrink (hopefully) and am surrounded by good friends and support, both in real life and on the computer, I keep being conked over the head with the blessings in my life. I'm trying hard to live in today, be present in the moment, work hard for the future, knowing that things don't come easy, but they will come and they are worth working for.

And for today, that is more than enough.

I'm a shredhead

Today was day 2 of my 30 day shred. Wow. It is HARD.

After day one, I felt very shaky and sick. But I did it.

Last night, Bryson woke at 3am, 5am, & 8am. Each time he did I felt more and more muscles that I didn't know I had. Like one that made my elbow hurt. WHAT? It just hurts to go up the stairs, or down the stairs, or to sit on the toilet, or to get into the car. This morning it wasn't the good hurt either. It was the kind of hurt that made me panic that I just got several of my friends into this to be accountability partners, and I wasn't gonna make day 2. OH. NO.

But then guess what happened. I read on our message board that 2 of my gal-in-pain-pals had already completed day 2. Okay, so it's possible. And Lawrence was on his way home to give me the 20 minutes I needed to do the video. So I got dressed. I decided I needed to use 1.5 lbs for a few of the exercises rather than 5lbs, which was WAY too heavy. I might need to invest in some 3 pounders. Anyway, the support that can come from friends doing it too is pretty encouraging.

So for those that don't know, the 30-day shred is a workout DVD from one of the "Biggest Loser" trainers, Jillian Micheals. It is 20 minutes. Three 8 minute circuits. Each circuit is 3 minutes of strength, 2 minutes of cardio, 1 minute of abs. She works in big muscle groups and small ones at the same time so you don't have any rest, and burn max calories. There are 3 levels, I'm still on level one, and the motified movements in level one at that.

And it's hard work. It is.

But when you are short on time, and an hour work out sounds overwhelming and unrealistic, this sounds doable. Even for 30 days in a row. But it is A HARD 20 minutes. It has to be.

Some of my favorite things she says in the level one work out.

If you are looking for a modified version of a jumping jack, look elsewhere, I get 400 lb people to do this, so can you

No rest, if you want to work out for only 20 minutes a day, then you have to make every minute of that 20 minutes count.

If we are going to make big promises (up to 20lbs in 30 days), we have to give you a work out that can deliver

I'm paraphrasing of course. She's a pusher, and she's pushing me.


Tonight Lawrence and the girls started the work out with me. Lily wanted to use my 1.5lb weights because daddy has told her she could (thanks daddy). Little did he know, I'd NEED them! But being the very ingenuic daddy that he is, he made Lily and Addie their own weights out of tinker toys. Bryson woke from his nap about 5 minutes into the video, so Lawrence tended to him. And let me tell you. He is in good shape and he was struggling! He'll tell you that he isn't in great shape, but he does pushups regularly and sometimes with TWO girls on his back, and he couldn't do push ups for the full minute like you are supposed to. So he had to stop and watched with Bryson in his arms, impressed as I finished day 2. Addie lost interest, but Lily finished the whole video with me. She's a bit of a spaz with her jumping jacks and punches, but we were both impressed that she didn't lose interest. She changed into shorts and a tank top half way through because she was so hot. I forgot how buff she is! Man the girl has muscles. Lawrence said, "If mommy keeps up with this video, she'll have arms that look like Lily's. " Seriously, I'll take them!

So after finishing day 2, I think I might be able to do this. I mean, I am doing this. Every single day for thirty days. There, I said it. I'm committed. I'm going to be healthy and fitting exercise into each day. I haven't pushed myself in a long time, and it's nice to find the lost muscles. They needed to be found. Here's to making them strong and giving me lots of energy and strength.

Thanks to my fellow shredheads... you know who you are, I'm not sure if you want the blogosphere knowing who you are. I'm proud of you and so glad we are doing this together.

Go US!

Making my day

The whole Herman family had a wonderful day today.

Lawrence took Lily skiing and she did AWESOME. She made a new friend, Aurora and they skied together the whole day.

Addie and Bryson and I went to church, and somehow I managed. Addie went to her class and they told me she was a perfect doll. She brought her own snack, and thinks having allergies makes her cool. Then we had a good day at home, I got them both to nap at the same time, right after I got Bryson to smile at me, on demand. Meaning he smiled when I came to him and he did it several times. Enough times for me to get a camera. And then I even got a picture, with the delay and everything!

I was all ready to post the pictures of skiing, but the camera has been temporarily misplaced in all the chaos of the evening. **Updated to read: FOUND IT!!!

Kids are in bed. Tomorrow begins day one of 30 day shred with 4 super cool and super supportive ladies. I watched it today for a preview of what I was getting into. I'll admit, it doesn't look too bad while I'm laying down watching it!

Yay for a good day! Friday night Bryson slept for 6 hrs, last night I thought he would repeat but instead he slept 7-11 and I woke him and did a dream feed at 11 before I went to bed (same as the night before) and he woke up every 2 hrs all night. So, we aren't there yet, but he's been going down for every nap and bed time awake, putting himself to sleep with no crying. It requires really watching his tired cues, but it's worth it. He isn't even fussy anymore. Seriously we have a whole new baby than we did 2 weeks ago.

More good days to come...

Dolly playdate

Last night Bryson had what is sure to be the first of many many many times playing dolls with his sisters. He and the rest of the babies in the house had a play date, and boy did they have fun.

I mean, the girls have been having a lot of play dates lately, so why should we leave Bryson out.

Here he is with all of his new friends. I'm not sure why they are all so scantily clad. Bryson didn't know it was no pants day, but was glad he fit in...
Tail end of a smile...
I think his eyes are gonna be blueAddie is such a rebel sibling picture taker...(insert laugh and head shake), Lily on the other hand will do any and everything to be photographed with her brother, or to get a picture of "the three".

So we move to Addie's spot...better.
Hey girls let's get a picture of you kissing your brother's cheek (remembering a cute photo I'd seen like this with each sib kissing baby's cheek).
Oh wait...not like that. Sigh. Bryson survives another malling.


Look how peaceful he looks! This melts me. Another chiro appt today, and he is doing so great.

I took Lily to Bryson's chiro appt with me today and then to Michael's where she bought a Valentine craft with her own money. We had lunch (she ate, while I nursed Bryson in the car) and then I took her to school. It was a long exhausting morning ( maybe my own version of supermom?) for me after a long stretch of being up last night. However, it was really good quality time with Lily. I enjoyed the long car ride each way talking with her, and then Michael's was fun too. Sometimes my head is spinning and I'm not in the moment with her, and this is probably the best, most quality time that I have spent with her since B's birth. It was really really nice. While we were away, Addie had a play date with Sabine and another au pair with a 2 year old boy, Milo. Her new friend! :)

Friday we swap and Addie goes to the chiro with B and mommy while Lily gets a play date with her friend Nathaniel. I hope that goes just as well.

We have a week of birthday parties, dentist appts, postpartum appts, etc, etc, coming up next week, so busy, busy. I've even made 2 coffee dates. Like ahead of time. Plans. For me. Is this what you call functional? Plus I start the 30-day shred on Monday with 4 friends! I'm so glad that I reached out and asked a few of my good friends to do this with me, I was planning on going it alone and now I feel so much more certain I can stick with it because I reached out, and as it turns out, they are all so happy as well for an excuse to get going and have accountability...virtual accountability of course!

I have been working with Bryson the last 3 days on a schedule and getting to sleep out of arms/swing/etc. The last 2 days he has fallen asleep FOUR times for naps in his crib when laid down awake but drowsy with no crying and no intervention on my part. Night times haven't been as good, but he has slept the last 2 nights in his own room. I can't tell yet, if I'm getting more sleep or less, but I think the sleep I am getting is a little deeper than when he was next to me.

Speaking of sleep, time to do some of that!

Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking...take six weeks

I started this post 2 weeks ago! I'm sitting here trying to make a to do list to feel a little less overwhelmed and a little more organized, but somehow getting a blog out makes me feel both of those things. For some reason it won't let me take this post off italics, so italics you get!

Bryson is six weeks today. It's a little hard to believe that somehow six weeks has passed. A few weeks ago I was thinking about the passing of time. It just keeps marching on. And while I was struggling with him through "colic" and being sick and all the reassurance I received from people were things like "this too shall pass" or "it'll be over by 3-4 months", I couldn't help but feel somewhat cheated. I'll be going back to work the week of March 22, and THIS is the time I have with him now. THIS is when I want to enjoy the time. I don't care so much about it getting "easier", because, HA, that's sort of a joke, considering there are days with Lily and Addie that I think, I can't believe they are still this much work.

I guess that's why I'm so shocked and grateful of the huge impact of the chiropractic treatment. And I'm so pleased/blessed/thankful. Because it really gave me back time with my baby and I feel like I was able to do something other than just wait it out. It isn't about me, HE is so much less miserable. And what mommy doesn't relish in seeing that!?

I'm still in somewhat of survival mode, and it seems like I should be operating at a higher level by now. I'm not napping every day (not by choice) but I'm not showering every day either, and often find myself still in my spit up covered pjs at lunch time with my teeth unbrushed. Last night Bryson had a really hard night, I'm not sure what that was about, but he couldn't get back to sleep after eating at 11pm, and was up and down until 4:30am when I put him in his own room, in his own crib. And then he slept for 2 hrs. He's in there now, and is taking his first real nap in his own bed. I need to get a child proof door knob for his room to keep Addie from marching and to wake him up and see what he is up to. She's a little stinker too, yelling, "WAY UP Bwyson!"

Physically, I feel pretty good, I'm still wearing mostly maternity sweats, umm, clothes for the most part because it's whats quick and comfy and in my drawers, but I did squeeze into a pair of non elastic waist jeans the other night for an outing. I'm planning to try to lose the weight using the 30 day shred. I've heard that this is GREAT for postpartum moms. But so far, I'm actually pretty pleased with my postpartum stomach. I remember feeling shocked by it's largeness after my last two pregnancies, so either I'm just more realistic this time about what to expect, or it is in fact a bit smaller, likely some combination of the 2. My goal is always to lose the weight by time the baby is nine months, but in reality I usually lose it closer to 2 years...who's counting. We have a family vacation planned in August and since that is close to 9 months and as good of time as any, I might shoot for that as my goal. I know that getting back in shape will give me more energy and strength and I care about that more than what size of jeans I'm fitting into. Wait, could that be age and maturity talking? naaaaaaahh.....

When I was on maternity leave with Addie I was so FUNCTIONAL by this point. I was joining mommy meet up groups, going for long walks in the park, enjoying days with Lily and Addie, and don't mind if I admit having days of feeling pretty supermomish. I'm pretty sure she was doing six or more stretches at night, so I was relatively rested. It was August, and in Portland that is just a FABULOUS time of year, spirits are high, and mine definitely were. I don't mind the gray skies or the rain, I still think it is really beautiful here year round, but it's certainly more work to get out to get fresh air because, frankly, it just doesn't feel that good. So fresh air and exercise is sometimes limited to the mad dash to the car as to not get wet.

All that being said, with Addie, I started having anxiety attacks around 8 weeks. I didn't recognize the cause at the time but it was my thinking (dreading) of going back to work. I even had my heart checked out, because it was pounding in my chest and I couldn't see that I was feeling anxious. I got to stay home for 16 weeks with Addie and this time I'll be going back with Bryson is three months old. More of my anxiety right now stems from the logistics of managing all the things and people in my life that I will need to manage. Right now things are pretty simple during my days. They are very tiring sleep deprived days, but they are simple. My full time job is feeding and caring for Bryson. Sabine takes care of the girls, and while I play with them and give them some love throughout the day, she keeps them fed and on their schedule and takes them on outings, does crafts, chauffeurs Lily to school 3 afternoons a week. I've got it pretty good. Bryson is my only job, and they idea of that changing hurts my brain. And my heart.

But I don't like to complain, I do not believe there is a full time working mom out there who has it as good as I do. I work at home 2 days a week, and have all the flexibility in the world from my childless, single, male boss to take care of things at home when needed. I sometimes wonder what he thinks about the quantities of illness and accidents and ear infections that two (soon to be three) children can acquire. Still, he always lets me do what I need to do as long as the work gets done, which it always does. He knows that I will always do what needs to be done to meet deadlines, etc. I do keep up my end of the bargain, and work many late nights after the family is in bed doing so. I'm in a position lots of working moms would love to be, and I always want to keep that in perspective.

I'm just saying, life IS simpler when I don't have to worry about accounting software, or balance sheets, or sales numbers, or tax deadlines, or vacation days, or account balances. So for now I'm going to relish in the fact that I have six more weeks just to be mom. And for the record, I really do like just being mom. And since I see both sides of the world, being "just" mom, is much much harder than having "time off" to go to the office and be with grown ups 3 days a week. Notice above I said simpler, not easier. Going to work is working, yes, but also peeing and lunching when you like. Having a few minutes of quiet to think when you like. Enjoying a hot cup of coffee without the worry of it scalding a something-month-old when you like. These are things you don't have but often desperately need when you are "just" mom. So I get those things a few days a week, and then I get to be mom more days a week and I get to contribute to supporting the family as we need. And it's crazy and hard, but so is any path you choose and once the boat settles this job and this company do give me some semblance of balance that we all are looking for.

PLEASE Just remind me of all that when I'm clinging to my door knob watching 3 crying faces out the window with my breast pump loaded on my back and tri-met tickets in my pocket and I'm screaming, "NO I DON'T WANT TO GO!!"

Lily and B having tummy time
Daddy with his 3 kids, early am style. I love how he doesn't look tired AT ALL!

B falling asleep in Jeanine's arms
More tummy time
Falling asleep during tummy time!