Mean girls

This has been a really rough week for me.  I know I haven't blogged for a while.  It may feel like I'm talking from the middle, and that's okay, this if for me.  

Much of this week, in those few precious hours I have with my kids before work and before I tuck them in for bed, the kids, the girls especially, have been…mean...to me.  Mean because they over slept, mean because I hurried them to get their shoes on, mean because one sibling took up time that they wanted from me, mean because I said no to another piece of chocolate, mean because I asked them to stop being mean.  

I'm worn.  I feel particularly disheartened because maybe for the first time, I feel like can't reason with them, like they don't care.  They've always cared before.  

These big-hearted loves of mine, they are growing up, and I race ahead wondering what will ever happen to me and my tender heart when they are teenagers.  When their mean is not because they don't want to go to bed, or in an argument over movie night, but it is meanness over stuff that matters and stuff that lasts?  

Am I screwing it all up?  Today I looked at Addie as she screamed at me in anger.  I think it was an emotional issue not a discipline issue.  I did discipline, but it didn't feel right.  I was calm on the outside but raging inside, I had to fight hard for the calm.  Her yelling and raging lasted for so long, I kind of fell apart on the inside, while I told her I loved her and I would help her with whatever it was that was upsetting if she just stopped screaming at me.  Eventually she did, and while she had a nice evening, I couldn't help but wonder if I did it all wrong, letting her have movie night anyway, and sleep in the playroom with her sister.  Finally at bedtime, while getting the playroom sleepover setup, when Addie was sweet and kind and loving, Lily was short and rude and exasperated with me for the third night in a row, mad that I was setting up the bedding wrong.  She sighs heavily and cliches the muscles in her neck and shoulders and shakes looking at me with big eyes like she just can't take me and my annoying blanket folding ideas for one more moment.  While I prayed with her for the first night in 3, I cried because we are hurting each other and we don't know why and we aren't even really sure how to stop.  

Lily cried too.  

Much better at expressing herself than her sister who just whimpers and whines, Lily said that she has felt like she wanted to mean lately and she doesn't know why.  She admitted that it's not just me, she really has been acting mean, and she wants to stop.  She will try to do better tomorrow.  

So will I.  

Tonight though, I sit here sad, and exhausted, emotionally very tired.  And yet ever hopeful and thankful that tomorrow is a new day, that I can live in that day, not race ahead to borrow worries of a day ahead that could be harder than this.  

Be Bold, and Beautiful, and Humble, and Healthy

I'm sitting at my desk.  The last business day of the year.  Accounting hell, normally.  But today was slow and steady and nearly done by 3:30.  Before I rush out the door to the busy that awaits me at home, the busy that does not expect me until 6pm, I decided to pause.  

I lingered through my Facebook feed during lunch today and so many posts about out with the old in with the new.  We all look forward to tearing off the page and looking at the hopeful blank canvas of the new one.  

The last few years, I chose a little motto and said it in my head when things got cloudy, out of focus.  

I am overwhelmed with the swirling thoughts of all I can do with my own blank canvas.  And when I become overwhelmed, I go back to things I've said to myself in years past, things that get me to good.  

Never wear your blessings like burdens
Do not let perfect be the enemy of good
Be where you are

Reminders that the things that haunt me are really of such little importance when I line them up against a simple sentence.  I find myself longing for another simple sentence to add to the list of wisdom.  

I saw some things that worked well for me this year

Bible Study
Early Rising 
Eating Well
Simplifying
Writing
Saving  
Running
Setting Goals
Creating 
Nature
Documenting
Connecting
Giving
Seek Beauty
Serve

You might read those words and thing they look like a pile of cliches, things people commit to doing, but to me, I see a loving list of works that make my heart sing, so I know they are MY things.  Hard things that I can do.  Things that will give me joy

Things I want to leave behind

Fear
Worry
Perfection
Waste

I want to pay attention to what is ruling me.

I want to be bold, and beautiful, and humble, and healthy.  I know what those words mean to me.

The stillness of this moment washes over me, and I am reminded beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am loved and blessed and cared for.  When moments are frenzied, if I can remember to be bold, and beautiful, and humble, and healthy, I can love better, both myself and my others.  

Thank you for beautiful lessons 2013, thank you for a beautiful life.  Joy awaits, I only need to be still and know.  My heart is open and ready for all the good as I turn my page and look at my blank canvas.    

The sun shines when the forecast calls for rain

Lawrence emailed me our baseball schedule this morning, and I wanted to vomit.  It's for Lily's team and he is coaching, both great things.  When I look at our already full schedule, adding 29 dates that take Lawrence and Lily outside in the mud and rain, 29 dates that I will feel guilty if I cannot attend.  Well.  Just. Vomit.  


Not to say that I don't want her to do this.  Or him to do this.  But these are first graders, 18 games and 11 more practices feels like overkill.  Still, I will find a way to make the goals that I set for myself last week work.  I will find a way to attend some of the games and help with the smaller kids on some of the practices.  I'm mostly scared about the other ones.  It's only logistics, right?  I've overcome harder things in my life than logistics.  Still, I'll admit that some days it feels like logistics are the enemy that might just bring me down.  


As for some fun weekend news, Addie got pulled aside in Karate on Saturday, to pretest for her Orange belt.  Sigh.  Saturday was to be her last class for a while.  She only knows sports in seasons and we told her that Karate season is almost over, it is baseball season now.  She got two special stripes on her belt Saturday and they told Lawrence we need to preorder her orange belt and scheduled her official test for April 14.  Um, sure, no problem.  It's not like we have a contractor coming that day to do some estimates on repairs on the house, or dinner with friends, or baseball practice, and it's right during Bryson's nap time, perfect!, we'll be there!  Because it's Addie's special thing and if you could see the excitement in her face, you would know that the only decision is to let her do Karate for another 2 weeks at least and let her test for this belt.  She held her striped belt out for me yesterday when I got home from my 5K/girls weekend and you would have thought she was showing me a treasure, precious and valuable.  Then as she and Lily skipped up to their quiet time together I heard her say, "Lily, can we talk about my belt in quiet time".  Lily shot me a sweet glance and smile, I nodded, and Lily said "Sure, Addie".  Addie beamed, beamed!


Friday was the last day of the quarter, always an extremely busy and stressful day in corporate accounting world.  I finished up around 5:30, showered and packed in 10 minutes, then watched movie night with the kids.  After getting them to bed, I packed a little more and headed to the train station to pick up my friend Lisa at 9pm.  


From there we went to my friend Sharon's house, where we met the rest of our group, one of whom, Melinda, a high school friend who drove in from Boise.  It was rainy and soggy and Sharon's amazing husband had taken her two young boys camping so that ladies weekend could take over the house.  Wine and talking until 1am (then 2am for me and my HS roomie!)


Saturday was a great day.  We ate like kings (thank you Sharon) went to the farmer's market, picked up our packets for the race, drank Rum bought for us in Belize by Christina.  Sharon made us a yummy smootie to mix with it, and then the SUN CAME OUT so we sat on the porch to drink it.  It was awesome.  

It was supposed to pour down rain on Sunday.  Our run was at 7:35am, and we were all preparing for wet feet and brought dry clothes.  We were filled with some dread.  But you know what?  The sun was shining.  The whole time.  We ran fast and hard, none of us had a best time on the clock but we definitely had the best time together.  Celebrating our friendships and the support it provides each one of us; and also celebrating our healthy bodies.  

After a great Sunday with my family and an early bedtime, I am refreshed.  My cup is full and my body is sore.  This weekend was a good reminder not to look to the forecast ahead, not to vomit about the calendar, just enjoy the sun shining at this moment.  

Hello, friend - It's been a while

Today is a work from home day, the first in a few weeks, my audit is nearing a close, and I'm drowning a little less.  There is no way to catch up on all the blogs I've missed writing since December, but that might not be the worst thing.  For the first time in my life, I felt a real and severe depression, and it wasn't what I expected depression would feel like.  It was going on for a few months before I even realized it was what was happening.  I was prescribed some meds, but ended up not taking them, I did however start seeing a counselor to try to learn to work through some of life's stresses in a healthier way, understand Who I was living for, and ultimately how to find some peace for myself, before even, my family.

So maybe I'm kind of glad that I didn't blog every sad day of the last 6 months, but I know I missed recording a bunch of the happy stuff too.  I've been alone, mostly.  Just me and my family.  I've exchanged some emails with friends, and a couple of quick conversations, but mostly I've been isolated, and work has been my "me" time.  Being lonely makes a girl do a whole lot of thinking and praying.  Friends say things to me like, "Oh, Jenny, I wish I'd known, I wish you'd called me", but the truth is, I don't and haven't even felt like talking about it.  And that's part of why I stopped blogging.  I didn't feel like writing about the way our (read my) life was going day in and day out. 

I am so grateful to our moms, my brother, and to the few friends who I did stay in touch with over the past few months.  For those that didn't put the pressure on me to be more or do more than I could.  For those that sent me encouraging emails and gchats about how I could make it through.  On Feb 1st I started exercising again.  I started with the 30 day shred in 35 days, and then I've kept up with this unlikely group of 7 on a private blog, what started at a group of about 20, quickly dwindled, all from various walks of life, the 7 of us write in each day to say that we did or did not exercise, and set our weekly goals, talk about how much water we drank, you know, exciting stuff.  Through all of this, exercise and daily endorphins (along with the daily encouragement of those 7 amazing inspiring ladies) have got me through.  The last month, I haven't met the goals I've set for myself, but I have run two 5Ks and I am still working out about 4 times a week.  It's good.  I have to let good be enough.  Lawrence is a super dad.  I am so thankful to him for doing so much for the kids and the house when I've been absent or useless.  I'm also to blessed to have our AuPair, Julia, who loves the kids so unconditionally, they miss me when I work long days, but I never ever have to worry about them, because they know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they are loved.  So loved!

Lawrence coached Lily's T-ball team, and last night was the last game.  We had a party after and he passed out trophies.  I was so proud of my man, as I watched him get his photo with each beaming kid, and listened to their parents thank him profusely (the way I do for both of the girls' teachers).  Sometimes it is important that I stop and look at him for who he is and thank my lucky stars that he wanted to marry me. 
 
I'm so acutely aware of how much I appreciate the way my regular happy brain works.  I won't take for granted my positive outlook and my ability to power through ever again.  Because not having that sucks.

June 1st.

It was a date that was out there, waiting for me, like a life preserver, like if I can just get to June 1st, I'll be okay.  But it was So.Far.Away.  I had a (one of many) meltdown on Feb 15th, and thought that June 1st might never come.  But now it is only a week away.  The bulk of the audit at work is over, and the sun occasionally has been showing it's sweet face.  I have a few days at the beach planned in a few weeks with my family.  My baby is almost 1.5 and my girls are about to graduate from their first year at their new schools.  They are all so big and so beautiful.  It's a new season.

And I'm so ready for it.

FAQ MIA

Yes, I'm still here. Yes I do realize how long it has been since I've written a blog. Things are. Hard. Busy. Good.

It's been a matter of priority and survival lately. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but that's how I feel.

Christmas was awesome, my mom came, it was wonderful. New Year's Eve was fun too. We had a game night with our friends and then a family sleep over.

I have a million and ten pictures from the last month.

But I'm depleted, I'm empty, blah. I'm not freaking out over the impossible cart of responsibilities in front of me. Instead I just feel blah. Honestly, I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I've made the comment to a few friends that I actually kind of prefer the blahness that I've been feeling because it is SO much better than the frazzley stressed out anxiety feeling.

Work is hard. Home is hard. Kids are hard. Marriage is hard. All of it is good and worth it and bring blessings upon blessing. I wouldn't trade my life for anything, because I do love it. I know that sounds like a typical canned response, but it's not. However, it's hard not to get lost in the day to day duties, and if I am able to get up for some air, a quick refresh button. It lasts for such a short amount of time. My flame is extinguished so quickly. Every action seems to have a consequence and I go days at a time wondering if I did anything right. Wondering if I made a difference at all, or if I'm just existing to make it through the workload of another day.

And yet, life IS good.

Sometimes, you just aren't inspired to write about it or document it. Or when you are, you don't have the time or the energy to make it a priority.

I've been really trying to stay off the computer at home. This leads to no pictures and no blogs.

That's where I'm at.

The good news is I do have a few VERY organized friends who just posted on their fall and HALLOWEEN. Thank you friends, you make me feel like I'm ahead of the game. That there is hope that I can back in to this thing.

I don't know what I need to get out of my funk, but maybe you could write a comment, tell me a funny story, or maybe you could remind me of something I'm doing right. Because I left a picture of myself on my blog for a month. A hilarious picture where my glasses are bigger than my face. And I got four comments. LOTS of emails asking where my blog was, lots of mentions of missing blog posts. But it's hard to remember that anyone even reads, notices, or cares. Until I stop writing, then I get an overwhelming number of reminders of something else I'm falling short on. And that kind of sucks. Can you see why?

I've debated even posting this. Worried that I won't get back to this for another month, and worried that this will be the post left here. Worried that someone who emailed me about why I haven't blogged would be insulted or think that I was upset with them. To get four comments about a blog that was and 47 emails about a blog that wasn't - isn't very motivating. It wasn't anyone in particular who mentioned it. I know most of you emailed me out of worry for me, not worry for my blog, knowing that I've never gone so long with out blogging.

Sometimes when I feel blocked, blah, disconnected, like I'm unraveling, writing helps. So I'm giving that a try.

To ensure that it sticks, that funny story or encouraging word would be really great right about now.

I've kicked off the good juices with this picture of Bryson's hand...(thanks Christina Gilchrist for sending it to me!)

The messiest room

Our bedroom is a mess.

I'm not talking just some laundry on the floor, I'm talking a years worth of papers and receipts and kids outgrown clothes, borrowed stuff to return to friends, and unfinished belly cast, scrap-booking paraphernalia, casting of clay foot prints, employee benefit questionnaires, birthday cards, birthday card thank you lists (which in a few weeks will be for ALL THREE OF THEIR BIRTHDAYS!), bills, and crinkled up Mother's and Father's day crafts made with paper plates and tissue paper. A MESS.

I wish I could say it's because I haven't had time lately, but it's not. It's because I haven't had time EVER. Is that my fault, COULD I be cleaning rather than writing a blog or making our family holiday cards and labels? I don't know, but that's where the guilt comes from, I guess. Probably. It's always the last place to get any attention. It's the only place that is off limits to everyone else in the house, so all papers and other assorted stuff that I don't want anyone to see goes on my bed, just in time for a play date or party guest to arrive.

Then when it's time to get in my bed, I stack said crap on my desk or dresser, but then I work from home two days a week, and what with having 2 of my 3 children suffering from separation anxiety 90% of the time they spot me, I work on that desk rather than in the playroom/office, like I used to. So those papers need to get moved, to the floor or the nightstand or the top of the t.v., teetering like a last turn in the game of Jenga.

Then some of the laundry gets cleaned, but only on occasion does it get put away. Let's face it, I NEED for it to be clean to clothe us, but I don't NEED for it to be properly in it's drawers. It gets put into laundry baskets which line the foot of the bed, until I, or someone else in the house needs to use those laundry baskets for, you know, LAUNDRY. Then it gets put on the bed, but when it's time for me to get into bed, there it is, waiting to be put on the floor or on the dresser. Unless of course the dresser is covered in the papers from my clearing the downstairs counter-tops and tables when I decided that the madness which was 2 kids bringing home 1-5 crafts per day from school alongside the 7 million papers and crafting they do at home were taking over my kitchen, and we were having a birthday party and those ended on my bed, too! That's when it is really bad, when there are papers MIXED with clean laundry and the Jenga game continues on the dresser too. Lots of Jenga games teetering around my room, so that in my exhaustion I can't fall asleep due to the anxiety of which pile will lose first.

Then there are the times when dirty laundry starts to get piled on to clean laundry in the basket. And you know something must have been clean in there once upon a time, because you see remnants of a folded rather than turned inside out buckeye shirt deep in the basket. When that happens, do you ever just wash the whole basket and start over? Yeah, me neither.

I'm exhausted just describing the process by which my room (and office, heh) has become the dumping grounds of the house...so before you asked me why I don't put the laundry and papers away rather than shuffling them from one room to another, I will tell you. I'm tired. DOG TIRED.

I just don't know how to keep up, especially in a room that is just for me, that doesn't affect anyone else in the house (except my husband who cares that the rest of the house is in order, but thinks his room doesn't matter). I simply can't.

And don't give me any of that BS about touching a piece of paper only once. Shit doesn't work for a full time working mom of 3 young kids. Those kids need stuff, you know, and they need it immediately. I can see it now, 'Just a minute honey, mommy got the mail and I can't give you a napkin until after I put away this notice from the school about family movie night, you know the rules....' Dude, if you live in a world where you have the luxury to handle each piece of paper the first time you touch it, great, more power to you. But. I. Do. Not.

This was brought to my attention in a shear panic on Tuesday when I got a call on my cell from my friend who also has three small children and an IMMACULATE home. Never a THING out of place.

"Hi, Jenny, this is your clutter-free friend I'm at your house right now to pick up my Discovery Toys I ordered, where are they?"

WHERE ARE THEY? Nightmare! They were in my room, of course but WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT GO IN THERE!!!! Julia did, and it was fine. She's seen it before as our room is at the top of the stairs and sometimes I don't get the door shut quickly enough when I slip in or out of the crack opened just wide enough for my body to shimmy through. No offense, clutter-free friend, I admire all you do, but your cleanliness and organization make me feel a little inadequate at times. And you certainly will never EVER be allowed in my room. Amen.

I need some practical advice.

Or commiseration.

Tell me about something in your house you are ashamed of the way it gets after long periods of necessary abandon. What's your "messiest room?" When was the last time you were given the gift of knowing exactly what you needed to do to make your friend feel better?! Do it. It feels freeing to admit it to the world wide web.

The fallout

So last week was every bit as hard and grueling as I thought it might be. The week before, while I worked long hours, was better. And I was hopeful last week would follow in the previous weeks footsteps, but it didn't, not at all.

I've hesitated to write a blog. Because I haven't had time to, number one. But also because I'm always so scared of getting judged. There are lots of days I just downright hate that I am a working mom. But I'm also really committed to staying firm in an attitude of not being discontent in my life. To feel blessed by our life, rather than dwell on the things that I wish were different. And USUALLY I can do that. Well. And I mean it, I'm not faking my way along pretending to be happy in a life where I am not. I am happy. I do make the best. But sometimes things just sucker punch you. And for some reason, blogging honestly hasn't been coming to me easily. I'm not seeing the humor in it, I don't have the energy to be witty. At least not for long enough to get it written down.

So last week just sucked. The kids had many bad days where I only saw them for 30 minutes in the morning. Except in the case of Addie or Bryson, where they were up in the night or at the crack of dawn. In my guilt ridden mind, all I could think was that they were trying to find some time with me, time when I was home. So I struggled through the days where I had to be mentally at my best on 2-6 hrs or sleep and on the verge of tears.

Since the first day I went back to work when Lily was a baby, I have always felt like I wasn't enough. Before that, I always excelled at my job. I always felt pretty good about how hard I had worked and how much I had accomplished. I also knew that I was a darn good wife. However, once I became a mom, I just wasn't as good. For the most part, I'm okay with that. I'm happy to be good enough at my profession that my mediocrity is still on par with some people's excellence, and generally, no one seems to notice.

Except, now, my company got this huge investment that requires an annual financial statement audit for the first time in 20 years. The threat of an audit has been dangling for years, for one reason or another, and I've done my best to be prepared for it. And as far as a first time audit goes, I couldn't have asked for a better circumstance. (I won't bore you about the details of an interim opening balance sheet audit prior to the income statement audit after year end, on prior year only, and the generous deadlines they've given on that, but these are good things). Still, it's hard. We've basically hired a Top Company to go through all the detail of all the work, I (or my team has done) since I've started, and find any and all mistakes, or problems with processes, or answer questions about why things have been done such-and-such a way since the beginning of time. Frankly, it's exhausting. Depleting. For 12-16 hrs a driving-home-in-the-dark-eating-dinner-by-myself day. It points out all the weaknesses. That's what it's supposed to do, but it's hard to hear it since many of the "problems" are due to resource or system constraints, so the "how to" fix them isn't easy or straightforward.

At home, each night there would be a report (that I asked for) of who did what all day from Julia. And it was hard not to wonder and worry about why Addie started having accidents or why Lily all of sudden hit Julia for the first time. Bryson also wasn't nursing well in the morning due to teething, a stuffy nose, and his sister waking up to come see what's going on promptly at the moment of nursing, and I wasn't home for his night nursing. So there's that. Lawrence was super great about making sure he was off right on time each day and we did a lot of meal planning so making dinner and caring for all three kids, bathing them, and putting them to bed was *slightly* easier for him. There are lots of weeks where he has to do this one night a week. We decide that if I'm going to miss bedtime, I might as well stay really late and get it all done. But for 2 full weeks, this was ridiculous. And so by the time I finally got home, we'd both worked 2 full time jobs, and we just beat.

By Tuesday night, I honestly COULD.NOT.BELIEVE it was only Tuesday. Oh, and that's the day that Matt finally got on the plane headed to Iraq from Mississippi. He called and we had one last good bye around 7pm. Then he called the house to talk to Lawrence and the girls. And I got to Skype with him briefly, test out his new laptop, and see his new glasses. :) I shut my door after and had a brief cry. It wasn't nearly long enough.

By Friday I was too tired to even be excited that it was Friday. Our audit team was good, but by Friday, I was ready for them to leave, as they were already 2 days longer than scheduled. I just couldn't wait to get home and be with the kids.

Except when I got there, I was too depleted to even be how I wanted to be with them. And I was super mad at myself over that. I can ALWAYS dig deeper, find more to give. And I just couldn't, there was nothing left.

Bryson was so needy and clinging that even when we were at the grocery store at 5am on Saturday (thank you daylight savings time STILL!) he would cry when I would step to the side of the cart to grab a box of cereal off the shelf. I REALLY could not be ONE step away from him. He is going through separation anxiety to the max anyway. But this weekend he cried when I walked INTO the room, fearing (as I perceived) that I would leave it again shortly. Even when sitting on the floor with him, I reach over to the toy box and he'd cry. So I felt myself upset and annoyed as I snuck off to the bathroom, listening to him screech if he caught me. He had a terrible time going down for night and naps. After several weeks of an easy system we had going. All of this swirled inside of me, guilt, exhaustion, depletion. I don't want a moment to myself because I feel selfish for being away from them, even at a time where I didn't chose that.

This pretty much lasted all weekend for me. SO annoying. We went to a restaurant to watch my college football rivalry game, something we do every year, and had planned for months. It was so fun, it felt like everyone who went to either Montana school who lived in Portland was there. Except I just could not relax. I was wound so tight. We took Lily and Addie and Julia stayed with Bryson while he napped. I was worried about them spilling milk and bothering others, and arguing with each other over Littlest Pets. Lily was giving me a bit of an attitude, but nothing that normally would have bothered me. I was upset because even on Saturday, I had nothing more to give. I can't remember that happening to me before, not like that. I just wanted to cry. Then the Griz lost. Stupid Griz! :) On Sunday, my only saving Grace was that there were only two working days this week. But still, even after Lawrence let me sleep in a little, I felt annoyed and guilty, overwhelmed and rushed as we went out to take a family pic for our Holiday Cards and it was so bitter cold that I'm not even sure if it turned out or not. Poor kids!!!

To top off my fail of a week/weekend family wise, I totally forgot to call our niece and nephew to wish them a happy birthday on Sunday. I know (hope and pray) that they know how much we love them, and that our (my...cause let's face it, that's my job) forgetfulness is no indication of how much we love them. 2010 has seriously not been my year for remembering to send cards or call on birthdays. I hope 2011 will be better. It almost CERTAINLY could not be worse. Love you Ty and Cass!! Can't believe you are already FIVE years old.

So in the spirit of trying to not be a complete negative Nelly:
Here Are Some Grateful Things...

• I've never appreciated more that I am permitted to work from home 2 days a week. Even thought the kids are with Julia during that time, I don't have a commute, and I'm just THERE with them, although in another room. Five days a week in the office is exponentially more exhausting and I'm not sure I'd ever full acknowledged this. Some times you ask me, how do I do it all? Well, working from home is a large part of my 'how'.
  
• In the end, the auditors felt pretty good about how we (I) have been doing things. There are some adjustments, but nothing that I don't agree with, and nothing that they wouldn't expect in the first year. This is a great relief to me because when they come in every two minutes every day, I'm just not sure what means what. It's nice to find that, in the end, they were mostly just trying to get an understanding, rather than passing a judgment. It's not clear during.
• The auditors told my boss that I am responsible for a lot of areas and made a recommendation to him that we get additional staff to help me. Whether we do or don't doesn't matter to me as much as the acknowledgment that an outsider noticed this and told my boss. It also makes me feel better about small things that slip through the cracks, I'm only one person. Also, in my own head I always know that I could do more, or do it better, and I guess it was just nice to see that they think, I do a lot, enough, too much. I got some validation there.
• I have this job. Tomorrow I get to go to Addie's Thanksgiving Feast and Lily's 6 year pediatrician visit and then take Wednesday off to prepare for the holiday. This job, and all the stress it has caused me, ultimately has saved us. When Lawrence was laid off last year, we struggled with unemployment, my maternity leave, and he is now in the process of starting over at a new company. We are so blessed that I continued to have a stable and flexible job with good health insurance through that. We have everything that we need, and more.
• That we have Julia. Another great AuPair who LOVES our kids. I sent her an email a few weeks ago, letting her know that when I see her talk to my kids, even when she disciplines them, that it is so obvious that she loves them. You can hear it in her voice and see it in the way she looks at them. We have been through several different child care options in the last 6 years and we KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that this is the best one for us right now. It truly feels like I leave the kids with a family member, someone who is in my home, helping it run smoothly. It is impossible not to want the daily moments back with my kids. To wish that THAT was my stress and my hard days, but since it isn't, I'm just really grateful for all she does to make this family work. Including cleaning up poop and working through proper consistent discipline with a lovely and very strong willed six year old. When I'm working from home and I hear her laughing with the kids or speaking to them. I find myself smiling because of the excellent care she is taking.
• I remembered this week that even though all of the critique, I'm a really good accountant, and as nerdy as that sounds, it was good talking shop with people who knew more about it than I do. I (over)used my brain in a way that I hadn't in a while. And it felt kind of good.
• I have a husband who is my teammate. We both do what needs to be done when it needs to be done, without question. I hate weeks when we are "just teammates" and it feels like there is little interaction between us. He also had a sore throat this week and didn't really feel like talking after I got home. But I know too many wives who would give anything for a good teammate husband like mine. And I'm also glad that when we are just teammates, it is a fraction of what we normally are together, and for that I'm grateful too.

It's Thanksgiving. And I'm thankful. Thankful for all of you out there in my life, those who read my blog, those who don't. I'm thankful for my healthy family and our good life. I'm thankful for who I am, and for who I am becoming. Thankful for a God who will not love me less and could not love me more. Thankful for our parents and our siblings, their health, that we love them and they love us, even when we don't do it just right.

Getting started to get started

I have SO many things to blog about that I'm blogging about nothing! And each day something new comes that I want to blog about and I don't.

There are just so many things...

First we had Lily's birthday party
Next a post with some pictures as Lily sees the world through her new camera
Some other general things to be grateful for
Bryson's 10 month post - he has a tooth and is taking steps
PLUS our family went to the pumpkin patch and the kids have gone with Julia 2x with some amazing pictures to show for it.
Then Lily got cast in her school's MCT play
THEN MY MIND WENT RACING regarding my love affair with MCT and all the ways it shaped my life's path
Then Pumpkin Carving
DOn't forget the post on why Addie thinks I'm a bad mom :)
Then Lily's last soccer game
Plus Addie to Disney on Ice (since there are no pictures that probably won't be a full post)
Next the MCT performance
AND HALLOWEEN.

And just today, Lily's school conferences and me doing something right. Us, I mean, us, Lawrence is obviously doing it too. I'm just selfish and like to take all credit for myself.

Okay, now that it's out there, perhaps I can tackle something.

October was just too awesome I guess. Parts of it felt awesome but at the time it felt almost too busy to enjoy it, but I know I did, I just don't remember enjoying it all. That's okay, I guess, but it would probably be better next time if I remembered enjoying it, you know, because that part would be nice.

Any votes for what I write about first? Or should I just continue rambling about not knowing where to start? Wordless Wednesday tomorrow...that's an easy one!

Winds of change

Things will be changing again today.

I'm tired, and overwhelmed, and excited, and scared, and nervous, and sad, and happy.

I'm even a little superstitious I think. On the day Sabine arrived, Lawrence lost his job. On the day Tamara started as our nanny before that, I broke my foot. Both knocked us off our feet for 3 months. Pun intended. Heh. I'm downright scared of getting a new person to care for our children! :)

Julia comes today, I pick her up tonight at midnight. Sabine will still be here until Tuesday. Five more days. It's bizarre that this year went so fast. And what a year it was.

We lost a job, and got a job, and had a baby, and made it through a pretty life changing year. Nothing earth-shattering, but hard and different and great for us, nonetheless. It's nothing that hundreds or thousands of people aren't going through right now. And we had this girl, this young woman, who arrived, and lived with us, and experienced it all with us. Typical American life? The ups and the downs. She knows us. She KNOWS our kids. She was an extension of us and our love, discipline, and even frustrations with them. And at times, with each other. She was easy and kind and respectful. And she loved us. And we loved her. Love. Past and Present.
And future.

And now things will change.

A new girl, a young woman, is coming today. And she is going to experience the ups and downs of this year with us. We don't even know what they are yet. And I'm sure we will love her and she will love us. She will come to know us and vice versa. And it will be totally different, and totally great, and another chapter in our life.

With this change comes uneasiness for me. I'm happy about it, I'm sad about it. The beginning of one thing stems from the end of another thing.

And on top of it all I've got a lot on my plate. So I'm a little overwhelmed. To give you an idea. As I said before, Julia arrives tonight, tomorrow I have financial statements due to Mr. Gates, who, you know, just invested a lot of money into my little company, then I will food shop for the parties I am throwing this weekend. Yes, plural. On Saturday, my brother, Matt will arrive, we will prepare for Sabine's going away party and Julia's goodbye party. There are 29 people expected. At my house. Which is, by the way, messy and covered with smokey and sandy laundry from camping last weekend and swimming this week. And toys and towels and WEEDS in the backyard. On Sunday, I will say goodbye to Matt and then host a baby shower for my friend Shawna, together with her mom and another friend. On Monday, it's back to work for me, where the hardest worker in my staff is on vacation for 2 days. Tuesday I take Sabine to the airport at the crack of dawn. And somewhere in there I will get to know Julia and teach all the ways of the Herman house and family. And I haven't added Bryson to the handbook, yet, but I should since he requires the most time and effort. Other than Addie who has been nearly impossible as of late.

So my blog is run-on. And my heart is excited and sad. And my party might not be in an immaculate house. Or in a weedless yard. And the food might just be the basics. And the baby shower games might be played on regular paper rather than fancy paper. And the brownies made from a box. And the gift bought on the way. And I will meet my work deadline somehow, I always do. And Julia will be great, the kids will love her, they will give her a hard time at first, but they will love her. And Sabine's family can't wait to see her again. And Matt will be okay. And he WILL come home. And I have some of the best friends and women in my life, family too, some who live far away and support me no matter what. Who let me have that big long cry I needed to have on the phone rather than in their arms. And isn't it fun to be at the other end of THAT call. And, oh yeah, there is a vacation planned this month.

So if I can just make it one week. Things will settle and I can "relax".

And at the heart of it all, I have my Lawrence, my Lily, my Addie, & my Bryson. They are the faces that make the winds of change more carefree and full of hope of happy days to come.

Withdrawing

A week ago I said I was on fire to update my blog and declutter the draft list. But I just can't get there. I'm really in a mental funk, and I'm having a hard time getting out.

Being a working mom is hard. At the end of the day it feels like I just get the scraps of parenting left, missing their happy and well rested days that I work so hard for. On the weekends I get re-filled by the time with my children, it feels like it's going to be enough to get me through another work week to reach the weekend on the other side. But sometimes it's not.

Yesterday it was only Monday and it was not. It started too early, it lasted too long. My stay at home mom friends will tell you that their days are really hard too, that their 'to do' lists don't get done, that the stress and frustration of the day often overwhelms them to their limits. And I know that's true.

But, at the end of their day - spending a few minutes with their kids, is not still waiting at the top of a very long to do list. And that's the difference. A very hard difference that often isolates me and makes me feel very lonely in all this.

At the end of yesterday, I cried. Because I was tired, because I was sad, because I was frustrated, because I want to be more than I am.

I can feel my self wanting to withdraw. Me! The wants-to-connect-with-everyone-all-the-time-girl. Wants to withdraw. This is so not like me. Every small request that comes from any direction gives me anxiety. Whether it's a request to meet for coffee, come to a funeral, drop something off, send a card, email a picture, pay a bill, check a date on the calendar, come to a birthday party. I panic. And then I feel pissed. I'm so overwhelmed and I guess my brain is telling me that if I shut down and disconnect from more people - I won't have to deal with as much. I want to be in a little bubble with just me and the people who live in my house, and that's it.

Of course that's not really the root of my problem. Nor is it really my answer.

The problem is I'm a working mom who has 3 kids who aren't yet school age. In my pity party last night, I realized that I do not know a single mom who works with 3 children who are not yet old enough to be in school. In a way that's a little bit comforting, it allows me to give myself a break, but it also hard because I feel really alone. I don't have someone I can connect with relating to this.

Lawrence is so sweet and supportive, and he wants to know what he can do to help me feel better. And so I give him some things, relating to consistency with discipline, or mood, or tone, but mostly there isn't anything anyone can do. I don't even really want to talk about it because I don't want sympathy, I don't want pity eyes, I don't want, "I don't know how you do it". So for yesterday he said, "Let's control the one thing we can, and you go to bed early". So I did, and I was asleep by 9:30 and he fed Bryson his dream feed at 10pm, and I slept until Addie came in at 6am. And it helped. Some sleep helped.

Yesterday I had planned to start day 1 of a new 30 day shred in 40 days. I need to incorporate exercise back in my life. Not only for the physical, but mostly for the mental health it provides me. But I didn't. I'll start that today I guess, yesterday I needed to melt down and then go to sleep.

Work is extremely high pressure right now. There are so many things that are high priority. I'm blessed because I have a great job, and a great boss, and a great staff - and because of all of those things, I am able to barely do all I do.

Addie still continues to have the hardest time with me back to work. It is heartbreaking to see her, she just seems generally less happy, or less happy around me. She and Lily both cling to me and act like bed time is torture, they whine and cry when it's time for me to leave for work, especially Addie. Working from home 2 days a week, saves me the commute time, and the rat race in the evening. It allows me to have lunch together with them and put Addie down for her nap. It allows Sabine to do something with the girls while Bryson naps. But it is hard for Addie to have me home and not to be with me. It's hard for her if I'm in the same room or if I even come in to get a drink of water. She has to readjust to me going back to my office to work again. She is just a mess at least 50% of the time. It pains me to see her hurting. I'm dreading a few months from now when happy & smiling Bryson will start going through separation anxiety and will cry when I leave as well. It will break. my.heart. He is the easiest of the three right now, but requires the most amount of time. But he's so loving and happy, so it seems easier. He's needs are basic and easy to meet, and I don't second guess my self or feel guilty on a daily basis like I do with the other 2. Lily continues to get the short end of the stick with my patience, but she's really an awesome help. She and Addie have been fighting more, and I'm told that happens when, out of survival, kids feel the need to win the heart of moms and dads. To win their time and attention. Some of this is normal, but it's really stepped up a notch over the past month. Great. I know kids are resilient. I know we will all be okay.

And I will continue to revolve my weekends and evenings around them. I will continue to let the laundry and dishes and filing and clutter and mess in the garage pile up so that I can spend every moment with them in the evenings until bed time. I will get to bed earlier, leaving emails unanswered and thank you cards unwritten. I will get my exercise in so that I can have more energy and patience. I have to, because these are the things I can control. These are the things that can do with out me. My husband and my kids cannot, nor can I do with out them. I have to find a way to do less, so I can do more.

But if it seems like I've been missing, from phone calls and facebook and emails and from this blog, it's because I'm struggling, that's where I'm at. I'm withdrawing to put a protective bubble around my house.

If you are my friend or if you are my family, you know I have a generous heart, and I give of my time and my energy and my heart to everyone, all the time. It's hard for me to be selfish. It's hard for me to say no. So I guess I can ask you to not ask anything of me for a few weeks...I'm hanging on by a thread and I just can't do any more right now.

I didn't write this to sound like a downer. I wrote it to be honest about what life is like as a working mom of three. Sometimes it is kind of a downer, that's the truth. Being a mom and a wife and a friend is awesome. I refuse to be discontented with the hard things in my life. And that's kind of where I've been during the week lately, I come up on the weekends gasping for air. So I just need to find a way to get through this tough time. I'm someone who loves my life. I'm someone who loves my family and my friends. And I'm someone who always finds a way to see the good, have faith in God's plan for me, and who will walk through the tough stuff, holding tight to the great stuff.

This is just a season, and this too shall pass. I know that. I'm not even really looking for it to pass. Passing means they grow up, and I know there will be a day that I look back and LONG for them to be this size. So I want to savor this time, not hope for it to pass. And as long as I'm in my little bubble with my little household, I'm really okay. It's when the outside world, good intentioned as it may be, starts crashing in, that I start to feel that can't handle any more.

An Answer

I complained on FaceBook yesterday about how yucky my day was. Then I prayed a little that my foul mood would turn around.

I hate being or feeling negative. And I just couldn't get out of the funk all day yesterday for a million little reasons, fortunately no big ones.

But then...

I got an answer, as this reminder appeared outside my office window...

Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking...take six weeks

I started this post 2 weeks ago! I'm sitting here trying to make a to do list to feel a little less overwhelmed and a little more organized, but somehow getting a blog out makes me feel both of those things. For some reason it won't let me take this post off italics, so italics you get!

Bryson is six weeks today. It's a little hard to believe that somehow six weeks has passed. A few weeks ago I was thinking about the passing of time. It just keeps marching on. And while I was struggling with him through "colic" and being sick and all the reassurance I received from people were things like "this too shall pass" or "it'll be over by 3-4 months", I couldn't help but feel somewhat cheated. I'll be going back to work the week of March 22, and THIS is the time I have with him now. THIS is when I want to enjoy the time. I don't care so much about it getting "easier", because, HA, that's sort of a joke, considering there are days with Lily and Addie that I think, I can't believe they are still this much work.

I guess that's why I'm so shocked and grateful of the huge impact of the chiropractic treatment. And I'm so pleased/blessed/thankful. Because it really gave me back time with my baby and I feel like I was able to do something other than just wait it out. It isn't about me, HE is so much less miserable. And what mommy doesn't relish in seeing that!?

I'm still in somewhat of survival mode, and it seems like I should be operating at a higher level by now. I'm not napping every day (not by choice) but I'm not showering every day either, and often find myself still in my spit up covered pjs at lunch time with my teeth unbrushed. Last night Bryson had a really hard night, I'm not sure what that was about, but he couldn't get back to sleep after eating at 11pm, and was up and down until 4:30am when I put him in his own room, in his own crib. And then he slept for 2 hrs. He's in there now, and is taking his first real nap in his own bed. I need to get a child proof door knob for his room to keep Addie from marching and to wake him up and see what he is up to. She's a little stinker too, yelling, "WAY UP Bwyson!"

Physically, I feel pretty good, I'm still wearing mostly maternity sweats, umm, clothes for the most part because it's whats quick and comfy and in my drawers, but I did squeeze into a pair of non elastic waist jeans the other night for an outing. I'm planning to try to lose the weight using the 30 day shred. I've heard that this is GREAT for postpartum moms. But so far, I'm actually pretty pleased with my postpartum stomach. I remember feeling shocked by it's largeness after my last two pregnancies, so either I'm just more realistic this time about what to expect, or it is in fact a bit smaller, likely some combination of the 2. My goal is always to lose the weight by time the baby is nine months, but in reality I usually lose it closer to 2 years...who's counting. We have a family vacation planned in August and since that is close to 9 months and as good of time as any, I might shoot for that as my goal. I know that getting back in shape will give me more energy and strength and I care about that more than what size of jeans I'm fitting into. Wait, could that be age and maturity talking? naaaaaaahh.....

When I was on maternity leave with Addie I was so FUNCTIONAL by this point. I was joining mommy meet up groups, going for long walks in the park, enjoying days with Lily and Addie, and don't mind if I admit having days of feeling pretty supermomish. I'm pretty sure she was doing six or more stretches at night, so I was relatively rested. It was August, and in Portland that is just a FABULOUS time of year, spirits are high, and mine definitely were. I don't mind the gray skies or the rain, I still think it is really beautiful here year round, but it's certainly more work to get out to get fresh air because, frankly, it just doesn't feel that good. So fresh air and exercise is sometimes limited to the mad dash to the car as to not get wet.

All that being said, with Addie, I started having anxiety attacks around 8 weeks. I didn't recognize the cause at the time but it was my thinking (dreading) of going back to work. I even had my heart checked out, because it was pounding in my chest and I couldn't see that I was feeling anxious. I got to stay home for 16 weeks with Addie and this time I'll be going back with Bryson is three months old. More of my anxiety right now stems from the logistics of managing all the things and people in my life that I will need to manage. Right now things are pretty simple during my days. They are very tiring sleep deprived days, but they are simple. My full time job is feeding and caring for Bryson. Sabine takes care of the girls, and while I play with them and give them some love throughout the day, she keeps them fed and on their schedule and takes them on outings, does crafts, chauffeurs Lily to school 3 afternoons a week. I've got it pretty good. Bryson is my only job, and they idea of that changing hurts my brain. And my heart.

But I don't like to complain, I do not believe there is a full time working mom out there who has it as good as I do. I work at home 2 days a week, and have all the flexibility in the world from my childless, single, male boss to take care of things at home when needed. I sometimes wonder what he thinks about the quantities of illness and accidents and ear infections that two (soon to be three) children can acquire. Still, he always lets me do what I need to do as long as the work gets done, which it always does. He knows that I will always do what needs to be done to meet deadlines, etc. I do keep up my end of the bargain, and work many late nights after the family is in bed doing so. I'm in a position lots of working moms would love to be, and I always want to keep that in perspective.

I'm just saying, life IS simpler when I don't have to worry about accounting software, or balance sheets, or sales numbers, or tax deadlines, or vacation days, or account balances. So for now I'm going to relish in the fact that I have six more weeks just to be mom. And for the record, I really do like just being mom. And since I see both sides of the world, being "just" mom, is much much harder than having "time off" to go to the office and be with grown ups 3 days a week. Notice above I said simpler, not easier. Going to work is working, yes, but also peeing and lunching when you like. Having a few minutes of quiet to think when you like. Enjoying a hot cup of coffee without the worry of it scalding a something-month-old when you like. These are things you don't have but often desperately need when you are "just" mom. So I get those things a few days a week, and then I get to be mom more days a week and I get to contribute to supporting the family as we need. And it's crazy and hard, but so is any path you choose and once the boat settles this job and this company do give me some semblance of balance that we all are looking for.

PLEASE Just remind me of all that when I'm clinging to my door knob watching 3 crying faces out the window with my breast pump loaded on my back and tri-met tickets in my pocket and I'm screaming, "NO I DON'T WANT TO GO!!"

Lily and B having tummy time
Daddy with his 3 kids, early am style. I love how he doesn't look tired AT ALL!

B falling asleep in Jeanine's arms
More tummy time
Falling asleep during tummy time!

Sabine is here!!

Our new Au Pair, Sabine, arrived from Germany on Friday. After months of choosing the perfect Au pair for us and then months more of staying in touch, getting to know each other, it is hard to believe that the day actually come. And can you believe that the NIGHT before I still had a million things on my to do list that were left to finish until the next day. Things like wash the bedding from my in laws visit, almost 2 weeks prior, putting shelf paper in her dresser, moving our skiing stuff out of her closet, printing some of her pictures to hang on her bulletin board, cleaning her bathroom. Things that could have been done for weeks. But actually, if you know me, you know that I always have a million things to do that don't get done until the last minute.

Well we got a bit of bad news on Friday morning (more on that later) and it threw my day off, exhausted me a little bit emotionally and long story short a week later she still is sharing her closet with my snowpants...but her bedding and bathroom are clean and she loves her room, so I'm not a total failure.

Sabine had a great week at Au Pair school and she had fun on her NYC tour, though it was too short. It was only 4 hrs and even 4 days isn't enough to see all you'd want to in New York. But she got a taste and knows that she wants to go back to see more now.

When she arrived here she was a little shaken from some serious turbulence. We were happy to see each other, and then both went straight to bed once we got home, we were beat.

On Saturday we did the FAAN walk (another post) and Sabine came, we weren't sure she'd want to with all the travel and jet lag, but she said she felt great and joined right in. She squeezed between the two girls in their car seats, since we hadn't moved seats around yet in the trailblazer. It ended up being a great opportunity for her to bond with the kids on the way to Vancouver.

They absolutely love her. I'm so glad we skyped all those times because they felt as though they knew her and were only shy for a few minutes. When they woke in the morning, they could not WAIT for her to get up.

We are having fun getting to know each other. She speaks wonderful English, but it takes some time for us to always understand each other. Mostly because we don't know how the other describes something like a garbage disposal or a cell phone charger. The words don't translate exactly. Then there is the fact that she has never heard of Budweiser! :) And in Germany women put Sprite in their beer. Ewe! :) Ruining perfectly good beer???

Anyway, we are all having fun with it. Lawrence and I have a very sarcastic sense of humor. That also doesn't translate. Like today when I told her to throw a fax machine out the window (she didn't). She did laugh hard when I told her to put it on Lawrence's pillow.

On Sunday we relaxed a lot and it was a good thing because Sabine seemed to be getting a bit of a cold and wasn't feeling great. Even though she didn't think the jet lag affected her, I think that it did affect her body by hitting her with a stuffy nose and sore throat. Josh, Shawna, & Rachel came over for a BBQ and to welcome her. On Monday, she also wasn't feeling good. It was our anniversary (another post) and she was scheduled for her first day, and a long day. She is such a trooper. She has great work ethic and really powered through, even showing unending patience for the kids, while both Lawrence and I were home training her. She also went to the park with the kids and Lawrence. He has been making her drive whenever they go anywhere and she is definitely a good driver. Then you read the post below about the Rose baby and how Monday finished up! :)

Last night we went to Jeremy and Jennifer's for a BBQ, she had a great time, and that is when all the Budweiser talk came up because she brought 2 beers for Lawrence, one from Germany one from Poland. Lawr split them both with Jer, his partner in beer tasting. Jeremy works for Budweiser and couldn't believe she didn't recognize the can. He was asking all these hard differences trying to figure out things in Germany that were not like the US and vice versa. She was a great sport and a great help with the girls, even though she was not "on duty". We are both figuring out how she fits into the family and how it works when she is on duty but we are home and how it works when she is with us but not on duty. So far, it is going better than I could have hoped.

Today Katy came over to drive them all to ballet, and apparently the girls gave her a little harder time with Katy there too. But Sabine and Katy had heard A LOT about each other and really were glad to get to meet. In the afternoon Sabine and the girls had a great time, including ice cream for snack because it was such a HOT day. Tonight Lawrence had a Hood to Coast meeting and Sabine and I got to chat over dinner after the kids were in bed. Then we got her set up to download pictures and set up Skype on the home computer with a new webcam with microphone. It was a busy night, but we had fun. Thanks to my brother Matt who spend about 45 minutes on the phone and skype with us to get it all figured out. He must think I am SUCH an idiot sometimes, but I think he likes how much I need his help for computer type stuff.

There are many things that Sabine does, little things, that show us we made a perfect decision of who to ask into our home for a year and care for our kids. She shows so much respect and consideration, she is caring with the kids, she can be firm with them when needed, and she is an extremely hard work. She also did a lot of homework reading the family manual I wrote from her and when she pulled out her copy I could tell she'd gone through it with a fine tooth comb. It's hard to describe how you will know if someone is going to be a good fit for your family. Because you don't. But there are so many little things that are NOT annoying and that are NOT invasive and that show what a quality person she is. YAY! So much of my anxiety about this has melted. We have also let her know that she is doing this a very hard way to start off, trying to establish control with both parents at home. I think the next 2 days she will be all on her own and it will be easier with the kids.

For now, there is a lot to do! She still is far from self sufficient as far as driving directions and getting to school, making friends, getting her Oregon drivers license and Social Security Card. But this is a list, one you mark of and go through. These just take time to accomplish and we can do it. While I feel that there is a lot for us to do, and I feel like I keep telling her, we will get to that later, I'm so glad that the important stuff, the stuff that is much much harder to take care of, is going really smooth and easy.

Tomorrow we are going to Music in the Park and Sabine might get to meet another Au Pair from Germany who has been here for two months and lives near the park we are going to. Then this weekend she gets to go to the Beach for her first Au Pair meeting. It will be a great chance for her to meet some other Au Pairs in Portland as well as see the Pacific Ocean!!

In this post, I've listed THREE other posts to come. How will I ever get caught up? Probably won't and you'll say, where is that post on her anniversary that she mentioned six months ago. Hey, my Au Pair needed to learn to work my washing machine so that she could help me with some of my burden...OKAY!!!???? I'm doing my best and for now, it seems good enough...

Getting my sh$t together

I've spent the last several weeks taking 2 or so hours every night or every other night and organizing, making lists of what to organize...organizing, merging and purging, merging, purging, rinse and repeat. The progress is great and very rewarding, but every cabinet I open, every corner I turn, every drawer, bin, desktop, counter top...more papers, projects, to dos, photos, bills, coins, pens, boxes, wires, scissors, cds, tape, stamps, calendars, magazines, catalogs, mp3 players...it's overwhelming. Paper coming into the house and leaving the house on a daily basis, is NOT even a fair battle. Not to mention my little 4 year old "treasure" keeper who makes a project out of a piece of junk mail and Wa La, now I can't even discard junk mail in the light of day. My piles are getting smaller, boxes are getting emptied, 3 boxes of sh$t to go through becomes one. The garage becomes bigger...it is progress. But it's a lot of work and I'm working alone. Some how my dear dear hubby seems to have forgotten how to put ANYTHING in it's place. Now don't get me wrong, he does a LOT around here, with kids and cooking and even laundry folding. But at some point he started stopping at the top of the stairs. Fold a basket of laundry, THANKS hon, get to the top of the stairs, there it is for me to step over. 3 more steps to our bedroom, but he couldn't make it. Bring a cord from the garage to the computer room, no problem, oh wait, here it is, on the ledge at the top of the stairs. Is there an invisible barracade he can't move past the top of the stairs with ANYTHING in his hands? That's gotta be it.

I've gone through all the kids plastic dishes and cups, threw out about 2,000 of those restaurant kiddie cups (don't worry my clutter-teaching mom, I kept 1000 more), I am on my feet the entire nap time cleaning the kitchen and such. I give him about 6 cups to take upstairs to the kids bathroom, put under the sink, so that when the cup I use to wash their hair becomes to grimy..wa la...new cup. It's the only chore I've asked of him for an entire college football watching Saturday. Come up stairs, and there they tower, you guessed it, on the ledge next to the hall railing. Doh.

Now I'm actually not mentioning this to complain about him, for once. I'm only mentioning it because of how impossible it is to stay organized whilst finishing ALL the tasks for the rest of the family. I also won't complain because I can WALK, and walking, even with stiff shoes and some pain, IS THE BEST. (For those of you who don't know I broke my foot at the end of August and couldn't walk for 2 full months) I am so grateful that I CAN take that laundry basket the rest of the way or put those cups back under the sink. I just wish I wasn't fighting the loosing clutter battle alone.

If you happen to know the story of the lights in our bathroom, um, we still don't have any! Guess why? It's on his list, and out of principle, I will not do it. I will get ready in the kids bathroom or do a poor job of make up applying (the three days a month I have time to apply it), I WILL NOT order those bulbs. I do not know another woman who would or could live without any light in the bathroom. I'm pretty much a trail blazer...uh huh...

Anyway, despite all of this, I have a great level of satisfaction from trying so hard to declutter our lives and some how set up systems in the house that makes this all manageable.

Okay, it is 11:37pm and I have a croupy girl so I need to get into bed. I feel like I don't have time for more than a one line update on facebook lately, even though writing on here makes me feel organized and productive, so I know I should find more time for it. Oh well. This is me.

Oh- and I did have one more point with the organizing and Lawrence. He thinks that once you get organized and everything has a place, it is easy to keep up. He thinks that the reason our house is a mess is because we never got it organized in the first place. Umm. This from the guy who leaves his clean shirts on my side of the bed and crawls into bed. Well that shirt certainly has a place. I'm gonna blame this one on you, Carol. He was so used to growing up in a decluttered environment, and you obviously did a good job of making all the "behind the scenes" stuff look easy, he just thinks things take care of them self. I'm not as good at it as you, and he's not as good at helping with it as Steve. And now mom, it's your turn for some blame, DID YOU HAVE TO RAISE ME AS SUCH A PACK RAT??? I mean, I'm about 1000% better than you at getting rid of stuff and going through stuff and staying organized in general. But how did it end up that I married a man whose standards for how it should look and how easy it should be to make it look that way are so out of balance, and me, working so hard and keeping things so much more organized than what I was raised with, can never ever ever achieve the standard?

Not that I'm doing it for him! I'm doing it for me, and for keeping our nice things nice, and to have free time, believe it or not, living in clutter wastes a lot of your time. Ugh. 11:45pm, what am I DOING? still rambling about this. Yes, mom's from opposite sides of the spectrum, we get it, I'm a genius. So what. Get to bed! Good night! Hope neither of you took offense to your deserved blame! You both worked hard to earn it! Love! J

Videos

Does anyone else notice that their house looks messier in videos than they remember it looking in real life? I think that's my problem with video posting. Well don't go look for mess in the ones I posted. Of course I don't POST those. Or at least not yet, it's only my second post.



Lily saying good morning. Addie busy body.
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Just trying to get the hang of this to see if Blogspot is the place for me. I'm feeling right at home, so I think it just might be...now is there a space issue here?? Hmm...let me go investigate. The last thingI want to do is end babysites, only to find I'm running out of space on blogspot too! Here is Lily jabbering on the swings.