Just do the next right thing

That's it.  That's my New Year's motto for 2015.

I can outline my goals and my lists and my wishes (and believe me, you know I will).

But what can I really do?  What do I really want to do when it is all too overwhelming?  When it is all out of reach and out of control and I am out of energy?  I can stop, breath, and do the next right thing.

Thank you Ann Voskamp for your little word of wisdom today.

I thought yesterday and today about how much I wanted to write.  To sum up the year, to dream and scheme, to muse.  But the days got away from me.  They were wonderful and they were hard and full and there wasn't a moment to write.  Or sum, or dream, scheme, muse.  There was time for feeding, and sweeping, and bathing, and cooking, and playing, and hiking.  Just the next thing that needed to be done.

And so…I guess that just has to be ok.  It has to be enough.  Rather than look at the mountains ahead of me, just take the next step, and then the next.  And I will get stuff done, and done well.  Whether it be an organization project of massive proportions, putting away one load of clean laundry, or not losing my cool when my little people are pushing all my mama bear buttons.  Just do the next right thing.  I can do that.  I CAN do that!  

I hope that I will be here more this year to write.  I do not hope to tie it all together with a neat little bow, because when I try to do that.  Sequencially, explanatorily.  I can't get a damn thing written.  Because I'm late and I'm behind, and all my show blogs have gone right down the drain as soon as I hear Addie scream at Bryson, or Lily scream at Addie, or Bryson scream at me.  Now that I think about it…the screaming, I swear, it ruins ALL my good blogs!

I need this space again.  More words.  Less pictures.  My space.  If you read it, I love that, but if you don't.  That's okay too.  It's for me, and my family, and my memories, and my records.  And for now, the next best thing was to write this blog with 4% of battery life.  Now the next best thing is to wipe down sticky hot apple cider counters, and then the next best thing after that will be to walk a few laps around the house picking up toys to reach my step goal on my fitbit.  One next right thing at a time.

Here are my beautiful people.  We are ready to start a new year, a blank canvas, a fresh page, a new chapter…it's our favorite series and we've learned so much from all the years we've left behind.

summer of 2014 and the run on story of ours

The summer is coming to an end.  In fact, I sit here on Friday at 5pm, Labor Day weekend in front of me, and I cannot believe 1. The summer is over and 2. All of the awesome stuff we got to do this summer.  

June: 
We finished up baseball season and the school year on June 13th, it was both girls first year in Softball and that kept us VERY busy.  Lily had a great coach who gushed on and on about each kid, including mine at her team party, leaving me feeling so grateful for coaches and this one in particular.  A wiffle ball game of parents vs kids ended with LOTS of super fun laughs and some really good new friends.  On the first weekend after school we celebrated Father's Day, and then the kids and I headed out of town  to visit my college roommate in Spokane.  We went to Riverfront park and Silverwood amusement park, but perhaps the biggest highlight for me was just spending a week with my kiddos together with Robin spending a week with her kiddos, doing life together for a few days.  As soon as we arrived home, ran in the twilight run (girls got 1st and 2nd in their age group for the 5K), then bright and early went to the airport the next morning because Grandma & Grandpa Herman and cousin Tyler came for 2 weeks!  Bryson went to a VBS camp the first week, and the kids had an amazing time together. They went to Multnomah Falls, OMSI, berry picking, and to lots of parks in there area.  We did our best to show Tyler a fun Oregon summer experience. Addie had her "tag" Hot Wheels birthday party with some school friends and their families at Cook Park.  We got to celebrate Addie's 7th birthday together before they flew home on the red eye.  

July: 
We spend fourth of July weekend at home for the first time in years, watched fireworks at THS and went to a local small town parade.  It was fun, but nothing compared to Shake the Lake, we definitely don't want to miss the 4th at Wallowa Lake again anytime soon.  We received news of a great opportunity and made the decision to put our house on the market because a friend is selling her house in a location that would be perfect for us, she's giving us first dibs.  We did some minor stuff in the yard and around the house to get ready to go on the market, and then headed to the Blue Mountains for the Blanchet family reunion at Red Bridge state park.  The weather was perfect this year and the kids had so much fun with their cousins.  They have developed a super close relationship with my cousin Grace's boys, Colton and Caleb, and they were inseparable all weekend.  Camping keeps getting to be more fun as the kids get older.  It's still a lot of work, but nothing like it has been for the past 9 years! Four of the Herman's headed home, and Lily went to Joseph for two weeks with my mom.  Addie and Bryson had VBS camp while Lily went to Chief Joseph Summer Camp and spent a bunch of time with my friends and their kids.  I loved it for her!  I loved it for me, I went to CJSS when I was a kid and have great memories there, it was so nice to see Lily get a slice of memories of Joseph in the summer.  We had one weekend at home, while our house went on the market, so we stayed out quite a bit.  We went to see Planes 2, had a BBQ with the Ornelas Family, and rode bikes at Summerlake Park.  On Tuesday night we packed up to drive to Joseph.  This would be our kids first time at Chief Joseph Days, and of course we could not WAIT to see Lily.  As soon as we pulled up at about 11pm, she dove into the car to hug us all.  Reunited and it feels so good! 
We went to the Rodeo, played at the lake, the kids were in the Kiddie Parade (got second place as Cat in the Hat and Things 1-2 come to CJD), we had my 20 year HS reunion at Vali's, watched the grand parade, had my 20 year HS reunion at the Joseph City Park with families, and more fun at the Lake.  We drove home on Sunday tired and happy.  No rest though, the girls started soccer camp first thing on Monday morning! 

August: 
The first weekend of August Lawrence got a job offer (he had been looking since May for something with more opportunity), and this was a VERY happy way to kick off the month.  We stayed home that weekend and IT WAS SO NICE to have a weekend at home. We found time for a BBQ with our friends the Smith's, which we had been trying to schedule since school got out.  We shopped for Bryson's wedding outfit and a few school clothes, then we went to the Tualatin Crawfish festival and ran into some new good friends on accident, which was awesome.  Then Addie and Lawrence got to go to the Thorns (Portland's professional women's soccer) game, after I got my first church going in all summer!  The kids had 4 straight days of swim lessons from my friend Kim, and it did wonders for each of them.  Addie gained so much confidence and they were all putting their face in the water effortlessly (something that has been a challenge).  Enough of this relaxing stuff, Lawrence had his last day of work on August 8, took off half day, and we were off to go camping.  We were supposed to go camping with the Ornelas Family at RAAB campground, but they had a family medical emergency, so at the last minute we changed plans and went to Swift Forest campground in Washington near Mt. St. Helens with our newish friends the Schlichting Family (they have kids Addie and Bryson's ages and she was my postpartum nurse with Bryson!).  Lawrence borrowed kayaks from a friend and we LOVED this campground and the lake, it was so nice.  Lily paddle boarded on a piece of wood for a long time, it was so much fun.  Bryson and their little boy Paul got to be good friends and they just had so much fun.  On Sunday we packed up and stopped in Hood River to pick up a few forgotten items (somehow we messed up on packing for this long trip) and we got lunch at the Brewery there and then headed over Mount Hood to Central Oregon and Lake Billy Chinook at Cove Palisades State park.  It was so incredible.  The weather wasn't great, too hot, too rainy, too much lightning, but somehow we just had the time of our lives.  We met new friends at the campground across from us, and the dad was from New Jersey, so instant connection, we had a great time with them.  Wednesday we headed back to Portland so we could pick up Julia from Germany at the airport. What a beautiful reunion it was.  Time for another quick and long overdue BBQ with the Jordan family (Addie's BFF).  No rest though because it was time to head down to Mount Angel for the weekend for NannyJenny and Tim's wedding!  #burtonhanneganwedding  The girls were both flower girls and Bryson was the ring bearer and they all looked adorable and did great.  The wedding was at Vanderbeck Valley Farms and the location was to die for.  Really amazing amenities but not so fancy pants, really comfortable and great.  Jenny and Tim looked incredible and happy, such a beautiful bride and all of their wedding party were also fun and great to be around.  We all danced and sweated our pants off and it was a fun family night for all.  The next day was our anniversary and we celebrated by back to school shopping and watching the Glockenspiel.  Monday, Lawrence started a new job, and that week we juggled cars, and got used to him working 2 + hrs later than he ever has, which was an adjustment for us all, and our dinnertime/sports schedules! We all found time for the ALS challenge, and donated to alsa.org after dumping big buckets of ice water on our 5 heads.  The next weekend it was time for Hood to Coast.  Thursday night we met our team and decorated our vans, and then Friday, time to run.  More stressful packing, but once we got on the road to pick up the rest of our group, all was well.  I was proud of how everyone on our team ran, including myself.  I was nervous and wasn't sure how I would do.  My longest training run was 5 miles, and my shortest of the three legs was 4.55 miles.  But I did it.  I ran at sunset, I ran in the dark, I ran 6.24 miles, then 4.55 miles, then 5.24 miles.  I supported my team, I had no sleep, I had fun doing it all with my husband.  We stayed one extra night at the beach, sort of to celebrate our 12 year anniversary the week before.  We came home to another week of work, swim lessons, and BACK TO SCHOOL night.  Labor day weekend was super relaxed, we had pancakes for dinner as a request for by Julia for her last night, an EARLY morning goodbye on Saturday, then a day of family fun.  Lawr and I went to a tailgate party hosted by friends of ours that was sold at the PSO auction to benefit the school and it was so nice getting to know/reconnecting with a bunch of parents who have kids in both our girls classes.  Josh and Shawna took our kiddos for the night and we enjoyed our first night alone at our house since the night before Addie was born!  We returned the favor and had a fun Sunday with our kids + the Powers kids at Alpenrose.  Monday we had some house showings and went to "no playground park".  You know, since there was no soccer practice on Labor day, might as well go play some soccer.  

One more ice cream sandwich and backyard water fight and we were showered and in bed.  

Back to school tomorrow.  

What was your favorite part of summer?  Everything!     

Loads of back-to-school blessings

First things first.  After being pee-trained since April! Bryson started pooping on the potty on a consistent basis.  So after 8 years, 10 months, and weeks....I am finally DONE changing poopy diapers, once and for all (I hope!)!  Also, Uncle Matt can finally babysit all three of my kids at once without Heather, now that the possibility of poo is not in the mix.  Ha.

We saw our first movie in the theatre as a family of five!  Also Bryson and Lily's first movie in the theatre.  It was a great last day of summer!  

Remember how Lily didn't want to hold my hand at the Ice Cream Social?  Ouch.  Well on the first day of school, I took the day off work, and I walked them to their classrooms, and she held my hand most of the way.  She was a little bit weird when I dropped her off at her classroom, because we'd been in Addie's class too long, so I took a snap and bolted.  But after school, she held my hand the whole way to the car, and from the car to stores to look for a new dress and from the car to Red Robin to get root beer and recap the day.  The real blessing here was not that she held my hand, but that I paid attention.  I felt her hand in my heart, I savored it, I was grateful for as much time as she would let me hold.  My heart was so happy.  

In Addie's soccer game last Saturday she scored 5 goals.  She was awesome.  Or should I say Osum? She was also a little cocky confident, I heard that after her third goal she was holding up three fingers back down the field.  

Lawrence and I did the Warrior Dash together.  I was awesome.  I'm only sort of kidding, I really impressed myself.  After planning to sort of dial it in and skip obstacles I didn't want to do, I got going and pushed hard.  We ran the whole race together and I did every obstacle.  One I needed a little boost from Lawrence and one I fell off of.  But I did it, and it was a great time.

Lily set a goal for herself to read 75 books over the summer, she did that and more.  Now she has read up all the box car children books that I got at the library and is ready for number 30-40 to be reserved at the library.  I LOVE the teacher she got this year.

My company had a "summer party" on the second day of school.  That was not the blessing part.  It was at OMSI and while we didn't spend a whole lot of time connecting with work people it was a really fun family night.  Since I work downtown, Lawrence met me there with the kids.  As Lily and I were leaving, I looked across at our city.  It was so beautiful in the setting sun.  I made my girl go stand in front of the skyline to add to the beauty.

Actually I will make that it's own blessing.  I LOVE all the kid's teachers this year.  Teachers are so awesome.

This was our first week with no nanny.  I have had someone in my house, taking care of my kids, at least on a part time basis, since Addie was born.  This week went great.  Lawrence went in early and I was on my own.  I got up early, everyone got up and ready with happy hearts and on time.  I even left that house cleanish.  Did you hear that?  Happy. Hearts. And. On. Time.  Mamas of three know what a miracle this is.

On Monday, we pulled up to Bryson's new 2 day a week childcare provider, let's call her "SuperSitter". She helped us out earlier in the year when our nanny had her surgery.  Bryson announced as we pulled up, "I LOVE SuperSitter's house!!"  I LOVED hearing that.  And I already told you yesterday how well he did at Preschool.  This kid is loving that he isn't getting left at home anymore, he has places to be, things to do! Blessing!

I survived a grueling two day New York Sales Tax Audit this week.  Not a blessing per se, but I work with some great ladies who helped me pull FOUR HUNDRED AND THIRTY additional records from the last 4 years that the auditor requested last minute. It was not pretty, but...It's done!

A few days ago, Addie was excited to tell me that she played football at recess with her best friend C who isn't in her class this year.  The next day I asked her if she played football with the boys again, she said, 'They don't really pass to me, I just run all around and stuff".  Awesome.

In other news, Addie and Bryson both have their first recess this year, it is pretty much the best thing for each of them.  

The week before school started Addie had her oral challenge to test for Peanuts after having 2 negative skin tests and 2 negative blood tests, after 5 years of her allergy getting worse and worse, it is gone!  We had an ice cream party to celebrate, with lots of peanut toppings!

I have been a little off this week, as I mentioned yesterday.  I've been making things work, getting there on time, being proud of the little things, but jeez at the end of the day, I am spent.  Lawrence has been making up the difference.  Yesterday he coached Lily's soccer team of 10 girls alone with Bryson on the side lines (good friends who are parents of the other kids on the team - BLESSING!).  He has just been in a great mood.  I don't love it when one of us is feeling slumpy, but I love the way we work together as a team.  

Having Lawrence on my team, might not be the one I give them most attention to, but it's also my biggest blessing of all.  

The Rawness of Back to School

All the back to school busyness has left me kind of raw.  Very raw actually.  I’ve been thinking about it a lot, trying to figure out why.  Is this year different?  Is it because my baby is in preschool now, and Addie in full day?  Is it because we no longer have our nanny?

There is certainly the fact that my babies are getting bigger.  That’s great.  And hard.  And sad.  And awesome.  And fleeting.  But that alone is not at the heart the rawness that I feel.

Third grade.  Lily is a 3^rd grader.  That’s part of it.  Man, kids were mean to me in third grade.  As an adult, a successful, well-adjusted adult, I have had multiple people come to me as adults to apologize for how they treated me as a kid.  I’ve always brushed it off as ‘kids are mean’, as that is what we said before bullying was a district-wide curriculum word.  But just the other day, I was thinking about this rawness.  And third grade was rough, they were mean.  Mean, mean.  The fact that adult men and women, who have lived 25+ years of life since that time still feel so sick and guilty inside for the way they treated me, the fact that they contact me on Facebook to apologize…well that’s how mean.   So, it’s okay if I have a little bit of scarring when I think about sending my kid off to grade 3. Don’t get me wrong.  I had friends, I didn’t walk around school with my head held low, my mama loved me like nobody’s business, I was the best big sister on the block, I was too smart for my own good…I didn’t let it ruin me.  But when my little girl walks out the door to third grade…it hurts.  The little Jenny inside of me feels afraid for how third grade feels.  The mama in me knows that she is different and wonderful, and the kids she hangs out with are different and wonderful.  But still, I’m scared.  Because kids are still mean.   

The next thing I’m noticing about back-to-school is the constant state of comparison I have going in my own head.  The tireless what if…what if I was that kind of mama?  what if I didn’t have to worry about this or that?  what if my kid didn’t have to ride the bus?  what if I volunteered more?  what if I got to work earlier?  what if we had less toys.  Seriously.  I’m reading blogs about it, validating blogs, articles about how we are all doing okay.  Things we all should read.  Your okay and my okay don’t look the same and that’s okay.  How liberating.  But why do I feel the need to read another mom’s articulation of what’s okay for her to make sure I’m doing alright?   I am an advocate of other moms and of myself.  I never want to be in any discussion that reeks of mom vs mom.  My ways barely work for me, so I certainly won’t push them on anyone else.  I can feel convicted about how I want things to be, regardless of how different my reality looks, I will even work hard for those things, but I won't judge others in order to see the value in myself.  It makes me sad that by the time I get this all figured out, it will be nearly over and re-do just isn’t an option.  My kids will be out there in the world with all the best and worst of how I've treated them and how they treated each other. 

Last week I go to preschool with Bryson and I feel nervous and awkward.  I’m the only working mom in the class, I’m the only one who has a youngest child in the class.  I’m not used to that.  My hands feel weirdly empty, like they should be busier soothing a baby or picking up a puzzle that my toddler spilled.  I’m not in yoga pants because my nanny will be meeting me in the parking lot after this little orientation so I can rush off and be late to work.  I’m not doting on him like a first child, and he doesn’t need me like the other kids in the class seem to need their moms.  He can't get enough of his new teacher.  Want's every minute of her time.  This feels awkward, like I’ve never felt before, and I leave feeling like I won't fit in with all the wonderfully nice moms I've just met, and that makes me sad.  But then 5 days later it is time to drop him off for his first real day of preschool.  The first day when the mamas leave.  What was awkward a few days ago, feels good now.  Some of these three-year-olds have never been left before.  They are crying out in pain and anguish.  Their mamas are crying too.  The pain in the family is palpable, and in one case, seeing it brings tears to my eyes, I’m hurting for how much they are hurting.  Bryson goes in happily, confidently, and there is not a doubt in my mind that he won’t.  He is all joy.  He has been waiting for this day as long as he can remember.  He got toted here in a car seat, lost here in the halls as a toddler, and waited for his sisters many times at the end of the hall in the parent area.  Now it is his turn to go into his classroom, and his heart could not be more full.  I look at him and I feel proud.  I look at the crying kids and I feel bad that my boy happily waves “ga-bye mama” after a quick hug.  I know I shouldn’t.  I’m happy because my boy is not sad.  Am I a better mama because my kid didn’t cry at preschool drop off?  No, of course not…

But I’m reminded for the millionth time in this parenting journey that there are more ways than one to do this well.  I'm getting validation from my child's happy face.  The one of three faces where I should be looking for it.  

So raw isn’t a sad word or a happy word.  It’s that my heart feels more on the outside that usual.  Which is, you know, saying a lot coming from me.  I’m noticing my failures and my successes a little more often.  I’m loving what I am, but mourning what I am not.  I can taste the tears and laughter of my own childhood.  And during this time I take a few vacation days to savor the time with them.  Then I work hard and efficiently to make the most of my time at the office.  Then I wake up early and stumble to the coffee pot to remember I am God’s child and spend time being still.  To feel that God is love.  And I am loved.  

And this raw life is beautiful and good, and it’s mine and I’m proud of it.  My kids will have their own kid hurts that make them raw, but it probably won’t be the third grade, or going to preschool for the first time.  It will be things that I can’t and do not want to anticipate.  There are beautiful blessings everywhere.  Tomorrow I will be careful to notice them.  

Be where you are, because where you are is pretty great!

A great summer 2013 - Adventure # 1 - Tour de Arizona and the Grand Canyon with the Shaws

A few days after school ended we headed to Arizona to see our friends the Shaw Family.

Getting to Arizona was a little crazy, as we flew in 2 groups to save money, Addie and Lawrence flew standby.  It was a stressful 8 hrs but when all was said and done, we all arrived within a half hour of each other.  We swam in the pool for a while and then headed over to our friends, Ben and Michelle's house for dinner.  It so happened that some Portland friends were in Phoenix also, so all of us ate well, drank, talked, laughed.  Twas a great first night of vacation.

Father's Day was awesome, we loaded up 8 friends in the Honda Pilot, first stop was a creek on the way to Sedona.  We played in the water, fished for crawfish with bacon, and swung on a rope swing into the river.  What an experience it was for us to play in the water and be refreshed but never cold.  That night we headed to Sedona where Meg's dad lives.  As we rounded the corner and saw the mountains surrounding Sedona, it took our breath away.  And Meg's dad's house was right at the bottom.  Amazing. We had fun, BBQed, laughed and laughed and laughed, and all slept on air mattresses slumber party style.  It was a fantastic day.  (Inside joke, it turns out that the plumbing in Sedona and Joseph are very similar)

The next morning after a yummy breakfast at the world famous Coffee Pot, we were off to the Grand Canyon.

It was beyond our expectations!  Truly!  As we came up to it, walking along the path, my breath caught in my throat and I felt tears in my eyes.  It was bigger and more awesome than I expected and I was simply in awe.

We hiked around, the kids were not as impressed as we expected.  People told us this might happen, but we were all, no not our kids, they are very in to science and they are sure to love it.  They knew all about it, we'd checked out every book in the library.  But they were looking for something more like the mountain in Sedona.  The vastness made it hard for them to see or imagine.  We took exactly one million pictures.  The ones we've seen hundreds of times.  The ones that do not do it justice.  On the way out, the photo hating dads looped around out of the way,  stopped, and unbuckled kids out of the third row just so I could get the picture I said I wanted earlier in the day of my family with the Grand Canyon National Park sign.  People, these are the little big things that make me feel loved.  I had already given up and wasn't planning to ask once we got the car loaded with children.

We drove back through Flagstaff and stopped their for dinner.  OZ talked his way out of speeding ticket by accidentally passing on his military ID along with his driver's license.  All five kids were sleeping.  All five kids woke up.  But no ticket, so we considered it a win, and it was almost time for dinner anyway.

We passed route 66 and Lawrence made Addie think we were in Radiator Springs.  She pointed out Flo's, and Meg convinced them all to climb up on a sign.  It was a high point for Addie for sure, so we were glad to have stopped.

The next day the boys went Golfing.  Meg and I played with the kids in the pool and relaxed.  We must have done other stuff, but I can't remember what two months later.  We did marvel at how glad we were that we did all of our traveling at the beginning of the week.  How great 4 kids did in the packed to the brim car, and how much our families loved each other.  That night we jumped in the pool after golf and went to dinner at Oregano's.  We walked home, and Ben showed Lily dates and other plants along the way.  The kids were enamored.  We loved walking in the dark and in the heat, full and tipsy. I honestly felt a little high on life, but the yummy frozen drinks at dinner didn't hurt I'm sure.

The following two days, OZ had to work.  We went to the Hamilton Aquatic Center both days.  The kids loved it and it was like $11 for our whole family to get in.  There was something for everyone, easy enough for Taylor Poppy and big water slides for Lily (and me!).

Thursday Meg made us a big Salmon dinner and we enjoyed a relaxing evening at home, playing Catan.

Friday we walked to Tempe town lake and Bryson got in a fight with a Cactus.  The kids had matching outfits so it made for some adorable group photos.  We had a great dinner out in downtown Tempe and a nice stroll.  Another evening of warmth and walking.  The night ended with an evening swim which was on Lily's must do list

Saturday was going home day.  Boo.  We decided to go for an early morning hike up A mountain.  We came home and jumped in the pool and headed to the airport.  Lawrence and Addie were hoping for similar luck, getting bumped from their flight.  But no luck, all was easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Honorable mentions: Playing Trains, Cheating at Catan, Being spotted by Mike's elk scope, My kids discovered their love for Gatorade,

Three

The morning of Bryson's third birthday, I got in the shower and thought about the Blog I would write for my little man.  I remember how I wanted to describe him, paint a picture, of a crazy monster with the sweetest heart you'd ever known.  A kid that has turned my world upside down and back again, but who can make the very best of all my days.  He made sure I didn't get too high on my parenting horse with his entrance into the world with colic, then his instant heft that would give my back a run for it's money, then his walking at 10 months, then his getting-in-to-everything-and-running-to-the-most-dangerous-corner-of-the-----everywhere.  With his brilliant big smile he warmed my heart and let me know that I had much less control than I thought I did.  Also, more love than I thought.  Again.  

On the day of his Third Birthday, I took the day off work.  That morning, I got the girls on the school on the bus.  The day was in front of us and I couldn't wait to be with my boy the whole day, just the two of us.  It was the first day we'd ever done something fun, just the two of us.  I felt a little guilty about that, but we were going to change that today.  

The day was December 14.  

I got a text message from my friend Carrie while at the new Portland Aquarium.  Bryson and I were trying on shark costumes.  She told me of a shooting in Connecticut at an elementary school.  My heart skipped a beat and after a little back and forth, I learned K-4, 26 dead, I quickly put my phone back in my back pocket.  I took it out twice to take a picture, but I didn't want to know more.  I wanted to enjoy this time with my baby.  Each time he came in for a hug, I held him a little closer.  And each time he ran away, I felt my heart panic, I needed to be near him.  Part of me wanted to race to school to pick up the girls, but I was an hour away, and I knew Addie was already home with our nanny, and Lily only had 2 hrs left of school.  

Bryson and I went to Red Robin, played with play doh and ate lunch.  He picked out balloons, and made a big mess of his noodles, and I let him.  I didn't tell him one time to eat more, or cleaner, like I wanted to, I just drank him up.  Focusing on him, as I fought the urge to find out more.  They sang to Bryson and he loved every minute of this alone time.  

After lunch was over, I needed to get home and be with the girls.  I needed to be physically in our house with my kids.  I saw a message from our Kindergarten teacher that said some of the kids were Kindergarteners.  I didn't want to imagine and I didn't want to think about how or what to say to my kids about this, I hoped I wouldn't say anything.  I got home to excited girls who were ready, happy, waiting for the birthday boy.  They had no idea.  Of course they didn't.  Thank God they didn't.  They were absolutely full of joy and innocence that it hurt to look at them, but I was thankful.  

It was Friday.  TGIF.  A long awaited day for me.  For all the moms of the world. Pizza / movie night, the easiest night of the week in the Herman house.  We get into PJs before 5pm and we eat pizza in front of a movie until bedtime.  We cuddle on the couch and everyone likes pizza so much, we never have to coax a few more bites.  At bedtime, everyone is tired, relaxed, and ready to sleep.  Bedtime is easy.  All weekday long, we long for Friday night when we can collapse in the easy and comfortable and loving.  

My brother and Heather came over for cupcakes before their movie, and our nanny stayed a little late so we ate cake before dinner, and opened presents before getting into PJs.  It was lovely.  

Lily uncharacteristically complained a lot at Bryson's choice of movie, and as I explained to her that it was his birthday, his choice, and she didn't have to watch with us, but I hoped she would because it was her brother's special day.  I was annoyed with her and also filled with love and gratitude at the same time.  Thankful that this was my problem.  What if this wasn't the explanation I had to deliver on this night?  What if this wasn't the thing she felt the saddest about?  Having to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse instead of Annie.  What if I had to explain that her sister was gone, or that her friends were gone, or to try to make sense of a violation that could never be restored in all of her years.  What if?  

My heart aches when I think about the rawness that I felt that day, the day my little boy turned three.  The day I had so, so much to celebrate.  The day a community lost everything, if not their children, their innocence, their support network, their school.  I have never been so full of fear lurking in the world.  Waiting for me to send my children off to them.  

That weekend I had more patience than maybe I ever had in eight years of parenting.  I drank them up, I memorized their movements, their laughs, their tears.  I knew that whatever emotion I was feeling toward them as they pestered one another, or woke me up at night, I was lucky to be experiencing it.  I felt blessed and guilty.  Guilty for being blessed.  Guilting for it taking another's tragedy to wake me into perspective.  But that's what it takes sometimes.  

I was forever changed by the horror that happened to an elementary school 3,000 miles away.  I knew I would never forget the pain that I felt in my heart.  I hoped that was the worst thing I would ever experience in my lifetime, and I was sad because I knew it almost certainly would not be.  

And here we are.  Two months later.  Most of us have all but forgotten.  We think about it, we shutter, and we go on.  We make sure that we look at our kids in the eyes and tell them we love them before they get on the bus.  Say we are sorry before they run off for a day out of our control.  But we aren't gripped by the urgency anymore.  Maybe that's because emotionally it is too exhausting to live in that kind of fear.  We can't protect them from everything.  My friend, Melanie, touched me on that first painful Monday, when I had to send them back to school and I didn't want to.  She reminded me that my teachers love those kids as much as I do, and they will do anything and everything I would do to keep them safe.  I thought of my teachers, my friends, and...oh, that is so true.  It gave me comfort and courage to walk through that week. 

And in the weeks since I've prayed and I've thought endlessly about those families, those mamas.  I've read so many good blogs, like - I know what 6 looks like & I am Adam Lanza's mother.  I've read articles that have helped me to understand why this tragedy touched me so deeply, and how we are all victims here.  But I'm scared.  Scared of how easily my heart goes from broken to numb. I hope I can find a way to let this break my heart again and again, not because I want to feel the pain, but because with the pain came such clarity about what matters and what it really means to live in the moment and celebrate my present.   I want it to allow me to feel the compassion and gratitude in that big messy lump in my throat in those weeks after Bryson's 3rd birthday.  And if I'm totally honest, I want to love my kids as much as I did that weekend.  I want to love them so much that I never look away when they are talking.  I want to love them so much that I never grumble at giving another good night hug.  I want to love them so much that the mere sound of their voice gives me delight, every time.  And I will and I can.  As long as I can remember.  I can remember.  I want to remember.  

I'm posting below the things I wrote on Facebook last December.  I remember choosing each word carefully and from my heart.  Reading them again as I prepared to write this blog reminded me that they are important because they are mine.  

Every year, I will celebrate even harder that I have another year with my baby boy, and I will ache for the families out there who are hurting as they think about what should have been.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Dec 14 - Bryson's third birthday - I was expecting this day to be filled with joy and tears but...I had no idea. It was hard to soak in our day and feel joyful knowing many were hurting in ways that I pray I never have to know. I celebrated my birthday boy, memorized his smile, his energy, and loved all my kids so much it ached to look at them and ached to look away from them. I tried to keep my trembling and worried mind at bay by staying in the present, enjoying the moments I have right in front of me. My heart and prayers are with those that lost everything today, and I am reminded how precious each and every life is. I'm so full of love and pain, and I imagine I'm not alone.

Dec 15 - My rockstar kindergartener on the last night of Hanukkah. I delighted in her every move today, every smile, and even in the mean stuff she did to her brother. I gladly gave in to "one more hug" three times during bedtime stalling. I simply can't imagine a world without her infectious laugh in it. I feel a little guilty but mostly so grateful for every single thing that could have gone unnoticed today but was not.

Dec 17 - Hurting like it's the first time I've ever left them. :(

Dec 18 - Jeanine and Carrie, I'm so, so thankful for you both. Laugh with me, cry with me, get angry with me, and love with me. I so needed what you two amazing ladies gave me today. Then I got in the car with Mr. Herman and the rest of my family in our pajamas with blankets on our laps and we looked at Christmas lights and ate junk and drank/spilled hot chocolate and sang songs and laughed, windows down, heater up. That was the other thing I really needed today. Still hearthurting and still grateful.

Jan 7 - Back to work. Back to school. It was still dark out at 8:30am. I miss my babies. I feel uneasy again. Dreary day in the PNW. Whoa. Is. Me.

Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones.  When you have finished your daily task, go to sleep in peace.  God is awake.  ~Victor Hugo~

Addie is osum!

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You know, I knew it had been a while since I'd blogged.  And darn it, I think about blogging so often that i't hard to believe that almost a month and a half have passed.  Anyway, I'm here now, might as well make the most of it.

Our kindergarten teacher is THE.BEST.  I mean I know there are parents of kindergarten students everywhere you think that, it goes without saying that really FABULOUS people get hired to teach this grade, to do this job.  But ours, is, without a doubt, THE.BEST.

She sent me this text today: And her writing is "osum" too

Weekend News~

In case you can't see the picture, it says: 

I went snow showeng.  Lily ned a caof.  There was a step hel.  I wrk hrod.  I was osum.  

In case you need interpretation: I went snowshoeing.  Lily knitted a scarf.  There was a steep hill.  I worked hard.  I was awesome.  

She's telling the truth about all of it.  

Lily got the grand idea back in October to knit each of us a scarf for this event, so we could all be matching.  She made that happen too.  She got her Grandma to help and her cousin Jayme too.  She even taught me to knit and I produced one of these!  We looked great and she was SO SO proud of the scarves we each wore.  Bryson didn't want to wear a pink scarf but I put it on him backwards while we were strapping on his snowshoes and he didn't even notice.  

Steep hill ahead

We did our Romp to Stomp Out Breast Cancer snowshoe event on Mt Hood this weekend.  All the kids snowshoed.  Lawr pulled a sled with Bryson in for part of it.  It was hard.  It was partially steep. And our kids powered through.  We did too.  This wasn't the hardest year we've done this, but it was difficult to get everyone up and around the course, staying warm and happy, all at the same time.  We have grand schemes and we get tired and frustrated but we have a lot of fun.  Then we get back in the car and we say, wow, we just did that.

With 3 little kids.  Little.  Kids.

Finish line, that's Lawr with the sled and Lily and Bryson.  Addie finished first in the family and you better believe she didn't let ANYONE forget that! 

And we feel proud, and happy, and alive, and we are osum.

A very thankful November

I haven't posted much around here.  Not a thing for the month of November, and really, there is only so much looking at my daughter hanging up side down on her birthday that a person can do.  I worry when I read posts from my blog from 2008.  I wouldn't remember to remember many of those things, had I not posted them.  And time keeps passing, and not getting documented.  And what if I lose those moments.  There is no time to catch up, only time to move forward.  In the month of November I decided to do the Facebook thing where you say what you are thankful for each day.  I decided to really think about it.  By day 5 I could feel the change that gratitude was making in my heart.  I was looking around each day thinking about *what* I could list for my thankful thing today.  Wow, you know what?  When you look around and have to get to choose one thing...the gratitude MULTIPLIES!  So the whole month, my heart was full.  And I want to remember that.  Even as I went back to post my gratitude posts here, I remembered how I was feeling each day to post these, and my cup runneth over...

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November 1: I'm thankful for my health body and for a healthy family. During this season of stuffy noses, I'm thankful that my noses aren't running this week, and thankful that even when they are, and it's sure to happen...these are things we overcome with little worry. I won't take the luxury of health for granted.

November 2: I am thankful for my mom. She is kind and truthful and selfless and is so full of love. I can't imagine who I'd be without her love and nonstop encouragement. My forever cheerleader, even at 36. I'm so thankful that we got to take a trip together last month, just us, it was wonderful making new memories with her and enjoying who she is. Thank you, Mom. — with Elane Dickenson.

November 3: I'm so thankful for my Lawrence. I'm grateful for everything that fell apart before I met him, so we could fall together. We have an amazing love story and I'm thankful to be living it. I'm thankful for our 13 years to love each other, 8 years of parenting, and each day of life still ahead of us. — with Lawrence Herman.

November 4: I'm thankful for the last 55 hours, our family of five was together the whole weekend, not apart for a moment. The fall has been so busy with soccer and birthdays and other school stuff, we are so often in divide and conquer mode, but I loved being together and at home for these few days. I love us!

Day 5: Gratitude multiplies in my heart. Just thinking about what to be thankful for, I'm bursting with more things to be grateful about. Today I am most thankful for where I am right now with my faith, and where I am going. There were years that I merely 'believed' in God but my faith was not strong, I wished I had strong faith I saw in others, to be bold for something, but I would roll my eye

s because I...just didn't have it, so I didn't understand it. And yet He was patient and loving with me, blessing me each day anyway. Waiting for my faith in Him to grow, loving me like crazy, just as I was. I'm just so thankful for the peace and joy Jesus brings me and for gentle, loving patience. He is love!

Day 6: I'm thankful that my company gave us Election Day off. It allowed me to volunteer in Kindergarten, vote, have lunch and go shopping with Addie, and get my hair done. I'm thankful for getting to do each of those things.

Day 7: I'm so thankful that our New Jersey family all got power back as of yesterday in time for these next few days of weathering freezing snow storms. I'm also thankful that they had minimal damage compared to some who have lost so much. I'm thankful for the way tragedy reminds us to be grateful for what we have, reminds us of what matters most, and reminds us to reach out and say I love you to the friends and family who mean the world but with whom we lose touch as a result of 'busy'. We love and miss you!

Day 8: I'm thankful that my daughters have a sister. I'm thankful when I find them hovered/tangled together over the heat vent in the morning. I'm thankful each time I eavesdrop on their way after bedtime whispering. I'm thankful when they want to dress alike. I'm thankful as they wave to me, their smiling faces next to each other on the school bus each morning. And I'm most thankful when I see one reach for the other's hand and the other accepts its comforting grasp. I know that we have years of ups and downs with these beautiful sisters, and I'm thankful for every day I get to witness the incredible intense relationship that is having a sister.

Day 9: Today I am thankful for a childhood BFF. ShanRae was diagnosed with Melanoma one year ago today. I'm grateful that she encouraged me to get my skin checked, and that she was there for me the day I got my diagnosis of a much less serious skin cancer. She has helped/saved hundreds of people by sharing her scary story so openly, bringing awareness to the seriousness of melanoma and skin can

cer. She is an advocate for health in every sense of the word. Read her status today if you haven't already - an amazing woman; everyone who knows her is thankful that she is in their life. Nine months after the surgery to remove my own skin cancer, I can honestly say that I'm thankful for that time, because I have never felt more loved in my life. I am thankful that even though all things are not good, God can and will use all things for good if we are open. I am thankful for ShanRae's life and courage and health and for all the good she has allowed to come to the world through her struggle. Keep flapping those butterfly wings, my friend.

 — with ShanRae Hook Hawkins.

November 10th: I'm thankful for birthdays, for the the way they make you feel special. I'm thankful for Facebook and how it connects us. I'm thankful for my family, for the loved ones I got to see today and for those I didn't. I'm thankful for feeling loved. Because I really, really do. I'm thankful for a good day, for 36 good years. I'm thankful.

Day 11: Today I'm thankful for my baby brother. I'm thankful that after a year in Iraq he came home to us safely. I'm thankful that my original little family of three had him in it. I'm thankful for the day he came into the world and mad

e me a big sister, a role that taught me so much about love. He is a wonderful uncle to my children, a wonderful son to my mama, and a wonderful brother to me. He is kind and thoughtful, and I am grateful for the man he has grown up to be. Love you Matthew Dickenson!

Day 12: I'm thankful for the strong-willed and beautiful girl who made me a mother, the life-title that I will be forever proud of. Lily is smart and funny and crazy and weird and stubborn and sneaky and loving and tenderhearted. She thrives in routine and while laughing and doing math and her heart breaks when her expectations aren't met. She loves school and her siblings and her mama and dad

dy. She hates it when things come to an end, whether it be a vacation, a play date, a recess, or a day. She could do without bedtime. Somedays I feel like I am looking in a mirror, when I look into her heart or discipline her misbehavings. Just when I think she can't make me feel more crazy or more loved, she does. I'm grateful for the reflection, and for what it teaches me about myself. She's also a crafting machine and I'm certain that we'd have 99% less riff raff in our home without her. She's taught me that a house full of riff raff is a house full of love. I'm thankful for my Lillian Audrey and for having another soul in our family that is so similar to mine.

Day 13: I'm thankful for photos. Lawrence and I just cleaned out our crawl space and I found two huge boxes of old pictures. I'm thankful for the way a photo can remind you of a moment you totally forgot about and bring a big smile to your face. I'm thankful that I have such a love of documenting! Now if I could find a million more hours in the week to stay on top of all the good stuff that happens.

Day 14: I'm so so thankful for my sweet little Addie. My oh-so-middle child who I was certain I could keep from doing any middley child type things. I am thankful that she was the happiest baby who ever was, that she slept through the night early on, a welcomed gift after her nonsleeping sister. She is her daddy's "buds". I'm thankful that my tiny little thing can fit in your pocket - always.

 Addie is the best cuddler ever, she sneaks in and snuggles like a missing puzzle piece. And as long as she has her BFF "bear-bear" in hand all is good in her world. Unless she's losing at a game. She has a competitive streak like nothing I've ever seen...she's a game board flipper big time, but she will work her tush off for a little praise. She is the biggest helper and the biggest trouble maker in our family. I always say that Lily made me a mama but Addie made me a GOOD mama, a confident mama. I was a better mother to two than I was to one (and truth be told I was a better mother to two than I am to three!), I'm thankful that Addie has lit up my life every.single.day. since she was born. I could never put that smile, that laugh, that voice, even her adorable red-faced tears, into words. She is my Addie. People always tell us that we look alike, and my friends, you could give no bigger compliment. Thank God for my beautiful Adeline Faith.

November 15: I am so thankful for this beautiful day. I am thankful to live in such a beautiful city. The fall colors, the blue sky, the buildings, the leaves raining down and dancing on the road, Mount Hood and Mount St. Helens appearing out of nowhere on the horizon, the waterfront sparkling and the architecture of the bridges...it all makes for an amazing drive to work, an amazing way to start the day. There is so much beauty to be seen, and I'm thankful for the times that I truly open my eyes, because the beauty overwhelms me. The fish on the radio, hot coffee in my hand, AND THE SUN SHINING IN NOVEMBER...it's good to be alive. Thankful!

Day 16: I am very thankful for my littlest BIG blessing, Bryson, who has kept me on my toes every second since he was born. He came into the world to keep me humble, to make sure that I didn't think I had this whole mothering thing figured out by now. From his days of early colic & rsv to his never ending days of escapism to more dangerous ground, this little guy shows love like no other, Every 

emotion he has he shows with his WHOLE self. I'm thankful that on most Tuesdays and Fridays I get to start working late and after we get the girls on the bus, we have Mommy-Bryson morning time, with our coffee and milk and books and cuddling. He tells me how the world works and sings songs between the slurps from his sippy cup. I'm thankful that my little boy has such an ear for music and speaks so clearly with so many thoughts and opinions (thank you in part to two big sisters, I'm sure). He is a pure delight to put to bed, we sing "you are my sunshine" and he loves to climb in his crib. At almost three, my climber-extraordinaire can, but does NOT, climb out of his crib. I'm oh so thankful for this miracle. I've run miles and miles chasing this little boy during his short years, and I will gratefully...gladly run many, many more. I'm thankful to be my son's mother and for the gift this experience brings for a lifetime, whatever it may be.

Day 17: Today I'm thankful for a wonderful day of college football with my family. I'm thankful to have a college education and love being an Alum of The University of Montana. The Griz didn't win, but we still had a lot of fun celebrating the rivalry tradition with new and old friends!

November 18: I am so thankful for so many good friends. It's as simple as that. I cannot imagine this life without you!

November 19: I am so thankful for our wonderful nanny,Jennifer, she is amazing with our kids and totally helps make the Herman show go round. She has a beautiful heart and she takes such good care of all of us, me included. While there have been times over the years that I wish I wasn't a working mom, I'm thankful that I get the opportunity to employ an incredible person. This job has brought 

some great people in to our family over the years, and we have built a community of young ladies whom my children will treasure for the rest of their lives. I'm thankful that my kids are excited to see her arrive in the mornings & aren't ready to let her go each afternoon. I'm thankful of how sure we are that we have the right person taking care of our most important blessings each day! Love you Jenny!

Day 20: I'm thankful for how angelic babies look when they sleep. I've learned more than I ever wanted to know about sleep in the last 8 years. The best lesson would be that as you look at your sleeping babe, every single hard thing melts away. Every moment is worth it. You see it so clearly when you have a moment to watch them be still. For example:

November 21: today I am thankful for TWO huge blessing that came into the world seven years ago. This was the day we got a niece AND a nephew! Happy birthday Ty and Cass. We love you!

November 22.  Thanksgiving. Thankful! Gratitude is the attitude! I loved sitting at a table full of love with my friends and family. This view out the window. Good food. Good conversation. Good people. I. Am. Blessed.

Day 23: So thankful for Grandmas and old friends from way back when who know me best. Thankful for the relationships that build between my peeps and my hubs and my kids...and their kids every time I come home! I love the way it feels to be from and in this place.

Day 24: thankful for getting to support small businesses in Joseph today and for our fun family tradition- the "Jingle through Joseph" parade

November 25: Thankful for my own bed. Thankful for good roads and my safe driving husband to get us home. Thankful for Mandy and Joe Nelson, who always make time for us no matter how busy life is. Thankful that my mama still lives in Joseph. Thankful for my long time friend,Dawn, who has a birthday today, Happy Birthday my friend, I'll love you for another 20 years! And then some!

Day 26: I'm thankful for so many great teachers in the world. I'm grateful that Paula S Kurtz & Shelly Trueblood Orchard welcomed my girls to preschool and elementary school, giving them such a positive start, and I am so lucky to consider them both my friends. Katy Pauls, Melinda Lathrop Garcia, Robin Rose, Sharon Duty Pieloch, Stefani Schaefer Sellers, Jenn Hunter, Amy Dato Mills, Jason Ritter,

...the hard work you do does not go unnoticed! The kids who get to spend their days with you (including your own) are blessed! Thank you for all that you add to my life, I am a better parent because of you. (And seriously, Shelly, that Kinder FB page makes me light up every day at 11am...sitting at work with notifications to see how much fun my Addie had today. I LOVE IT!) For all the other teachers on my friends list, and I know there are a lot of you, I am thankful that you work hard, fight uphill battles, and chose this profession for all the right reasons. I'm thankful that you do this even without the recognition and compensation you deserve. There are multitudes of parents who will be forever grateful for the difference you make in our families! Please remember our gratitude when you have a hard day!

 — with Brian Scott and 8 others.

Day 27: I am thankful for Lynn Hansen, she is such an encouragement to me and when she talks to me her voice sounds like a hug!

Day 28: Thankful for my early release from Jury Duty, meaning I get a few hours with my kiddos before date night. How cool is that? Thankful for date night and accompanying the #1 fan to the Springsteen concert tonight. (Not sure if he is number one, number one, but number one this side of the Misssissip for sure!)

Day 29: I'm thankful that my kids have such great Grandparents. Lawrence's parents are visiting them from NJ for the 4th time this year. I'm thankful that my kids get to really "know" their Grandmas and Grandpa! I have wonderful memories and feelings of being loved by all of my Grandparents, and feel so fortunate that my kids have very close relationships with all 3 of their Grandparents.

November 30: I'm thankful for being thankful. Gratitude really is the key to contentment. It turns what you have into more than enough.