Faith vs Fear

A friend asked me to guest blog for her 31 blogs in January series.  I said yes a few weeks ago as we caught up for 2 hrs on the phone in a LONG overdue conversation.  Then on Tuesday she texted me to see if I'd commit to Sunday.  This Sunday.  Like today Sunday.  Well, crap, I didn't want to!  

And I had a million reasons to say no.  
1.  The kids were on snow day number 9 (unprecedented for the Portland area!)
2. I had only been to the office 2 days so far since Dec 22, 2016, due to snow and holidays.  
3. January is a super busy time for an accountant, especially one in management.  
4. I still have employee reviews to deliver.
5. My kids are driving me crazy and everyone is stir crazy and I can't leave the house and I'm trying to reconcile excel schedules with kids just making noise and picking on each other because they don't know what else to do. 

So I waited until Wednesday night, after I had been to the office for one day and felt mildly better about catching up on my job.  I usually LOVE working from home, but I had never been happier about getting a day in the office.  Until 

6. All the rain melted all of the snow and our gutters are frozen and so the rain dumped in and our basement started leaking, and estimate #1 says $14K to repair properly to ensure it doesn't happen again.  

But instead I texted back and said yes.  Yes, I can write a guest post for you.  

Because the truth of the matter is if I don't set a deadline, I'll never have the time, there will always be things that are more important.  But you know what?  I want to write.  I want to practice writing again.  And if I would have pushed her off until next Sunday, I would have shipped it off to her Saturday night/Sunday morning at 2am, like I did in the wee hours.  

It was hard to write.  I felt clumsy and too worded.  I was sharing some personal victories and tips and waking up early, and not drinking or being on FaceBook.  It was hard to press send.  I didn't feel like it was good enough for her beautiful blog.  I didn't feel like I had enough to offer.  I felt insecure all night.  Until I got a text today where she said she "loved it"!  

It inspired me, it reminded me. Both of my love of writing and I encouraged my self in the topics I wrote about.  Articulating my "why" made a big difference for me.  

This morning in church, the story of Abraham and Sarah was shared.  How they are really the ultimate story of faith.   God made them big promises about the nations and gifts he would give them.  He didn't tell the how, why, when or where!  And they just dropped everything, in ultimate faith, and they went (Gen 12).  But we barely get into their journey when Abraham becomes afraid and tells Sarah to act like his sister instead of his wife, and if backfires and she gets taken into the Pharaoh's Haram and Abraham gets rich from it,  God shows up for them, even though they were not faithful, he gets them out of the situation and even let's them keep their riches.  But can you imagine how Abraham felt?  Knowing he basically gave his wife to another man out of fear, potentially giving up all the nations and the promises, out of fear.  Can you imagine what a dumba$$ he felt like?  And this is like 5 minutes after JUST DOING THE THING THAT REQUIRED MORE COURAGE AND FAITH THAN ANY OTHER THING.  And then that is the story, the bigger story.  Of Abraham and of the whole Bible, and of every story.  Fear vs Faith.  Which will we choose?  Which will I choose.  

But fear...dang it.  It gets us.  It's at the heart of nearly every problem, weakness, sin.  

We make bad family, financial, relational, professional decisions because we are so afraid.  

The bible says fear not.  Do not be afraid.  

I was afraid to even write that paragraph above.  I'm clearly not a bible study writer or teacher.  And I'm basically just paraphrasing what the paster said this morning, with much more elegance.  Who do I think I am, re-telling it? THEN, when I overcame that fear, and kept typing, fear told me that people were going to judge me for being so religious, for writing about the Bible, for sharing myself or my beliefs at all.   But that's just what fear wants me to do.  Be silent.  Fear knows that God has a plan for me, and he wants me to share myself.  To feel known and seen and loved.  Fear doesn't want those things at all for me.  

Faith though, faith wants me to be empowered and brave and trusting.  Faith says that it will be the adventure of a lifetime, not a comfortable adventure, but a meaningful adventure, one where I feel loved and whole and worthy.  

When I think about a life free of fear, I imagine TRUE FREEDOM.  So I'm going to keep my eye on the prize.  

I've had a few fearful days, paralyzing days, days where I felt doom and gloom seeping in.  

But every good story has a villain.  And only because of the villain do we get to truly experience the power of God, the love of God, the goodness of God.  God.  

Faith says he'll be there for me.  When I trust Him bravely, but also when I blow it big time.  In the meantime, putting myself out there is a small step.  

Thank you Dawn, for asking me to step out into your space, to share myself.  You gave me a gift to push past fear and get back to what I love to do, which is share myself unapologetically as I write my story.  

My coffee broke up with me but I pressed on and we are back together again!

Based on the way my coffee treated me, I should have ended it, I should have been prepared for last week to suck a little, but I didn't see it coming.  My oldest baby was going to be 10, which means I was celebrating a decade of me being a mom.  This was the week of me and Lily.  This was also the week that Lily and Bryson were star of the week.  I needed coffee for last week.  

Monday morning started off like anything other.  A hundred things on my plate and trying to fumble through making coffee while finding sides for lunch.  How do I go to the store and purchase stuff for lunches every weekend but there is never anything other than saltines and dried cranberries for lunches?   I hated myself for not doing these two chores the night before.  I hate myself every single morning for this reason, but not quite enough to muster up the energy to do it each night.  That morning, I didn't end up pushing start on the coffee until the girls were out the door for the bus with Lawrence.  It's French Vanilla flavored coffee in the Dunkin Donuts bag, and I'm surprised that Lawrence bought it, he hates the smell of coffee (one of my excuses for not making it at night), and this brand is the strongest smelling.  After about 5 minutes I hear a singeing noise and see that there is no pot under the coffee filter.  It has a plug feature for that, but the filter has filled full and is brimming over the top in every direction.  I mopped up a bit of coffee, sighing with relief that the house is off the market and perfection wasn't in the cards.  I should have just quit there, spent $2.50 on the way to work and called it a day.  

Nope.  

I get the pot under in time, and salvaged the rest of coffee.  I poured my cup tippy top full and added some milk.  No sticky creamer thank goodness.  I finished getting Bryson ready, turned on Curious George to keep him still, and headed upstairs to get myself ready.  

I had already showered but that was about it. I washed my hands and reach back to dry them, when my left hand swiped the tippy top cup of too hot coffee and over it spilled.  It went everywhere.  E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E.  In every drawer and every cupboard and up under everything, in the jewelry holder, soaked every piece of laundry on the ground and every floor mat, around every piece of jewelry, in every toothbrush holder, and in every make up bag.  Everywhere.  I can't emphasize the everywhereness of it enough.  This one cup of coffee seemingly multiplied into gallon after gallon, soaking everything in it's wake.  

An hour later my hair and makeup were left undone, most of the visible coffee was wiped up (I would find more for days), I had a load of coffee laundry going, and out the door my star and I went, late for school.  

French vanilla...the smell never goes away.  A week and a half later, I sit at my desk at work, and I can still smell coffee, every where I go, every minute of the day.  Maybe because it's on my toothbrush, hairbrush, and part of my eyeliner.  

My cleaning lady came on Tuesday of this week, I was so happy the smell would finally be gone, but alas…it's still going strong every time I plug in the flat iron.  

Tuesday, Lily turned 10, and the day was awesome.  We ice skated, I decorated her door all cool, Matt and Heather came over, her presents were appreciated and grown up.  It was a very good day.  More on that another time, but suffice to say, I thought my coffee woes were done.  

Friday we had a slumber party for seven little girls.  After sweating to death throwing together an around the house scavenger hunt, (E-GADS!) I made a cup of coffee to get ready for the night ahead.  Seven little girls are a LOT louder and more excited than five little girls a year younger were last year.  What a difference 2 people and 1 year made! I poured in the water planning to share with any moms dropping off girls who might want some.  Unfortunately there was only a little bit of coffee left in the Dunkin Donuts bag, not nearly enough for the amount of water I'd poured in.  It didn't stop me (or Shawna), we drank our coffee flavored water like it would fuel us for days.  

But. Oh. My. Gosh. you guys! 

The girls were up until 2am.  I got up at 6:30am with Bryson and around 7:30 it occurred to me, THERE WAS NO COFFEE FOR TODAY.  Lawrence and Addie left shortly after for her soccer game and I was not wise enough to realize that I should have run out quick to get coffee before they went.  And by not wise, I mean, I was running non-stop from the second I got up to get uniforms laid out and the coach's shirt clean and figure out if we were the home or away team and water bottles filled up and after game snacks ready, and hair in a pony…WHEN I SHOULD HAVE BEEN OUT BUYING COFFEE.  

One of the things I really am starting to like in this mothering for a decade is that I don't have to pretend I have my shit together.  I mean I couldn't even pretend that if I wanted to, so it's more than convenient that I don't have to.  

So I sent out an SOS.  To the moms of the daughters I "let" stay up until the wee hours.  

I need coffee.  I had a ten year old slumber party with NO COFFEE for the morning for myself and I am DYING OF TIRED over here.  

I looked at my coffee water left from the night before.  I reheated some.  It was so watery and sad.  I knew it wouldn't do any good, but I was desperate.  The SOS moms said they could bring some, but pick up wasn't until 10am, a whooping hour and a half away.  I poured some milk into my coffee water and put it in the microwave.  I took a big gulp and then looked into my cup.  

A small dark object with wings floated into view.  

A fruit fly.

In my coffee water.  

After 4 hours of sleep.  

And I actually contemplated picking it out and going forward. 

Instead, I dumped my coffee.  The betrayal.  After all we went through, it was over.

But you know what?  Those SOS moms, they were fierce with love for me.  They showed up early.  With coffee. Three of them.  And I drank all three cups! 

I was full as they reminded me of my community, that even in silly post slumber party coffee pity, all I have to do is reach out, admit I need something because I was thinking only of scavenger hunts and hard forgotten about my deep need for coffee.  I have a community of people who think I'm wonderful, despite my lack.  Who appreciate the night off I just gave them.  Who will show up early because they understand that this is a mama emergency.  With each sip of my delivered coffee, I thanked God for those ladies.  

Coffee and I made up, we are having a better week this week, and I see only good things in our future. I also smell them.  All. The. Time.  

 Thanks friends! 

Wordful Wednesday - Because words matter

Today at work, a friend was having a hard time.  We found 15 minutes to talk and I was so grateful.  At the end of our conversation I told her that she is a good wife.  Because she is.  She really needed to hear that today.  That's not why I said it, I said it because it is true.  

I got back to my desk and she wrote this to me:

You are such a blessing to me and all of your friends and family.

You rock as a wife and mother! And you are a good daughter and daughter-in-law too.

Most of all, you are a beautiful daughter of God! 

I think He must smile often when He thinks of you and your quest to be the best daughter of the King possible.

My friends, I can't think of anything nicer she could have said to me.  That anyone could have said to me.  This has been a tough week, and it's only Wednesday, and here this friend just whipped up what she thinks of me real quick in a gchat.  She whipped up in 30 seconds a few sentences that basically encompass what I want my whole life to be about.  And I'm in awe that someone I respect and think so highly of would say that about me.  Broken, messy, crazy, little, me.  To remind me that in all of my ugly places, God is smiling down on me, as His sweet little girl, and noticing how hard I'm trying.  My words mattered to her, and her words mattered to me.  Say nice things to people who...to people.  Because words matter.  

A very thankful November

I haven't posted much around here.  Not a thing for the month of November, and really, there is only so much looking at my daughter hanging up side down on her birthday that a person can do.  I worry when I read posts from my blog from 2008.  I wouldn't remember to remember many of those things, had I not posted them.  And time keeps passing, and not getting documented.  And what if I lose those moments.  There is no time to catch up, only time to move forward.  In the month of November I decided to do the Facebook thing where you say what you are thankful for each day.  I decided to really think about it.  By day 5 I could feel the change that gratitude was making in my heart.  I was looking around each day thinking about *what* I could list for my thankful thing today.  Wow, you know what?  When you look around and have to get to choose one thing...the gratitude MULTIPLIES!  So the whole month, my heart was full.  And I want to remember that.  Even as I went back to post my gratitude posts here, I remembered how I was feeling each day to post these, and my cup runneth over...

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November 1: I'm thankful for my health body and for a healthy family. During this season of stuffy noses, I'm thankful that my noses aren't running this week, and thankful that even when they are, and it's sure to happen...these are things we overcome with little worry. I won't take the luxury of health for granted.

November 2: I am thankful for my mom. She is kind and truthful and selfless and is so full of love. I can't imagine who I'd be without her love and nonstop encouragement. My forever cheerleader, even at 36. I'm so thankful that we got to take a trip together last month, just us, it was wonderful making new memories with her and enjoying who she is. Thank you, Mom. — with Elane Dickenson.

November 3: I'm so thankful for my Lawrence. I'm grateful for everything that fell apart before I met him, so we could fall together. We have an amazing love story and I'm thankful to be living it. I'm thankful for our 13 years to love each other, 8 years of parenting, and each day of life still ahead of us. — with Lawrence Herman.

November 4: I'm thankful for the last 55 hours, our family of five was together the whole weekend, not apart for a moment. The fall has been so busy with soccer and birthdays and other school stuff, we are so often in divide and conquer mode, but I loved being together and at home for these few days. I love us!

Day 5: Gratitude multiplies in my heart. Just thinking about what to be thankful for, I'm bursting with more things to be grateful about. Today I am most thankful for where I am right now with my faith, and where I am going. There were years that I merely 'believed' in God but my faith was not strong, I wished I had strong faith I saw in others, to be bold for something, but I would roll my eye

s because I...just didn't have it, so I didn't understand it. And yet He was patient and loving with me, blessing me each day anyway. Waiting for my faith in Him to grow, loving me like crazy, just as I was. I'm just so thankful for the peace and joy Jesus brings me and for gentle, loving patience. He is love!

Day 6: I'm thankful that my company gave us Election Day off. It allowed me to volunteer in Kindergarten, vote, have lunch and go shopping with Addie, and get my hair done. I'm thankful for getting to do each of those things.

Day 7: I'm so thankful that our New Jersey family all got power back as of yesterday in time for these next few days of weathering freezing snow storms. I'm also thankful that they had minimal damage compared to some who have lost so much. I'm thankful for the way tragedy reminds us to be grateful for what we have, reminds us of what matters most, and reminds us to reach out and say I love you to the friends and family who mean the world but with whom we lose touch as a result of 'busy'. We love and miss you!

Day 8: I'm thankful that my daughters have a sister. I'm thankful when I find them hovered/tangled together over the heat vent in the morning. I'm thankful each time I eavesdrop on their way after bedtime whispering. I'm thankful when they want to dress alike. I'm thankful as they wave to me, their smiling faces next to each other on the school bus each morning. And I'm most thankful when I see one reach for the other's hand and the other accepts its comforting grasp. I know that we have years of ups and downs with these beautiful sisters, and I'm thankful for every day I get to witness the incredible intense relationship that is having a sister.

Day 9: Today I am thankful for a childhood BFF. ShanRae was diagnosed with Melanoma one year ago today. I'm grateful that she encouraged me to get my skin checked, and that she was there for me the day I got my diagnosis of a much less serious skin cancer. She has helped/saved hundreds of people by sharing her scary story so openly, bringing awareness to the seriousness of melanoma and skin can

cer. She is an advocate for health in every sense of the word. Read her status today if you haven't already - an amazing woman; everyone who knows her is thankful that she is in their life. Nine months after the surgery to remove my own skin cancer, I can honestly say that I'm thankful for that time, because I have never felt more loved in my life. I am thankful that even though all things are not good, God can and will use all things for good if we are open. I am thankful for ShanRae's life and courage and health and for all the good she has allowed to come to the world through her struggle. Keep flapping those butterfly wings, my friend.

 — with ShanRae Hook Hawkins.

November 10th: I'm thankful for birthdays, for the the way they make you feel special. I'm thankful for Facebook and how it connects us. I'm thankful for my family, for the loved ones I got to see today and for those I didn't. I'm thankful for feeling loved. Because I really, really do. I'm thankful for a good day, for 36 good years. I'm thankful.

Day 11: Today I'm thankful for my baby brother. I'm thankful that after a year in Iraq he came home to us safely. I'm thankful that my original little family of three had him in it. I'm thankful for the day he came into the world and mad

e me a big sister, a role that taught me so much about love. He is a wonderful uncle to my children, a wonderful son to my mama, and a wonderful brother to me. He is kind and thoughtful, and I am grateful for the man he has grown up to be. Love you Matthew Dickenson!

Day 12: I'm thankful for the strong-willed and beautiful girl who made me a mother, the life-title that I will be forever proud of. Lily is smart and funny and crazy and weird and stubborn and sneaky and loving and tenderhearted. She thrives in routine and while laughing and doing math and her heart breaks when her expectations aren't met. She loves school and her siblings and her mama and dad

dy. She hates it when things come to an end, whether it be a vacation, a play date, a recess, or a day. She could do without bedtime. Somedays I feel like I am looking in a mirror, when I look into her heart or discipline her misbehavings. Just when I think she can't make me feel more crazy or more loved, she does. I'm grateful for the reflection, and for what it teaches me about myself. She's also a crafting machine and I'm certain that we'd have 99% less riff raff in our home without her. She's taught me that a house full of riff raff is a house full of love. I'm thankful for my Lillian Audrey and for having another soul in our family that is so similar to mine.

Day 13: I'm thankful for photos. Lawrence and I just cleaned out our crawl space and I found two huge boxes of old pictures. I'm thankful for the way a photo can remind you of a moment you totally forgot about and bring a big smile to your face. I'm thankful that I have such a love of documenting! Now if I could find a million more hours in the week to stay on top of all the good stuff that happens.

Day 14: I'm so so thankful for my sweet little Addie. My oh-so-middle child who I was certain I could keep from doing any middley child type things. I am thankful that she was the happiest baby who ever was, that she slept through the night early on, a welcomed gift after her nonsleeping sister. She is her daddy's "buds". I'm thankful that my tiny little thing can fit in your pocket - always.

 Addie is the best cuddler ever, she sneaks in and snuggles like a missing puzzle piece. And as long as she has her BFF "bear-bear" in hand all is good in her world. Unless she's losing at a game. She has a competitive streak like nothing I've ever seen...she's a game board flipper big time, but she will work her tush off for a little praise. She is the biggest helper and the biggest trouble maker in our family. I always say that Lily made me a mama but Addie made me a GOOD mama, a confident mama. I was a better mother to two than I was to one (and truth be told I was a better mother to two than I am to three!), I'm thankful that Addie has lit up my life every.single.day. since she was born. I could never put that smile, that laugh, that voice, even her adorable red-faced tears, into words. She is my Addie. People always tell us that we look alike, and my friends, you could give no bigger compliment. Thank God for my beautiful Adeline Faith.

November 15: I am so thankful for this beautiful day. I am thankful to live in such a beautiful city. The fall colors, the blue sky, the buildings, the leaves raining down and dancing on the road, Mount Hood and Mount St. Helens appearing out of nowhere on the horizon, the waterfront sparkling and the architecture of the bridges...it all makes for an amazing drive to work, an amazing way to start the day. There is so much beauty to be seen, and I'm thankful for the times that I truly open my eyes, because the beauty overwhelms me. The fish on the radio, hot coffee in my hand, AND THE SUN SHINING IN NOVEMBER...it's good to be alive. Thankful!

Day 16: I am very thankful for my littlest BIG blessing, Bryson, who has kept me on my toes every second since he was born. He came into the world to keep me humble, to make sure that I didn't think I had this whole mothering thing figured out by now. From his days of early colic & rsv to his never ending days of escapism to more dangerous ground, this little guy shows love like no other, Every 

emotion he has he shows with his WHOLE self. I'm thankful that on most Tuesdays and Fridays I get to start working late and after we get the girls on the bus, we have Mommy-Bryson morning time, with our coffee and milk and books and cuddling. He tells me how the world works and sings songs between the slurps from his sippy cup. I'm thankful that my little boy has such an ear for music and speaks so clearly with so many thoughts and opinions (thank you in part to two big sisters, I'm sure). He is a pure delight to put to bed, we sing "you are my sunshine" and he loves to climb in his crib. At almost three, my climber-extraordinaire can, but does NOT, climb out of his crib. I'm oh so thankful for this miracle. I've run miles and miles chasing this little boy during his short years, and I will gratefully...gladly run many, many more. I'm thankful to be my son's mother and for the gift this experience brings for a lifetime, whatever it may be.

Day 17: Today I'm thankful for a wonderful day of college football with my family. I'm thankful to have a college education and love being an Alum of The University of Montana. The Griz didn't win, but we still had a lot of fun celebrating the rivalry tradition with new and old friends!

November 18: I am so thankful for so many good friends. It's as simple as that. I cannot imagine this life without you!

November 19: I am so thankful for our wonderful nanny,Jennifer, she is amazing with our kids and totally helps make the Herman show go round. She has a beautiful heart and she takes such good care of all of us, me included. While there have been times over the years that I wish I wasn't a working mom, I'm thankful that I get the opportunity to employ an incredible person. This job has brought 

some great people in to our family over the years, and we have built a community of young ladies whom my children will treasure for the rest of their lives. I'm thankful that my kids are excited to see her arrive in the mornings & aren't ready to let her go each afternoon. I'm thankful of how sure we are that we have the right person taking care of our most important blessings each day! Love you Jenny!

Day 20: I'm thankful for how angelic babies look when they sleep. I've learned more than I ever wanted to know about sleep in the last 8 years. The best lesson would be that as you look at your sleeping babe, every single hard thing melts away. Every moment is worth it. You see it so clearly when you have a moment to watch them be still. For example:

November 21: today I am thankful for TWO huge blessing that came into the world seven years ago. This was the day we got a niece AND a nephew! Happy birthday Ty and Cass. We love you!

November 22.  Thanksgiving. Thankful! Gratitude is the attitude! I loved sitting at a table full of love with my friends and family. This view out the window. Good food. Good conversation. Good people. I. Am. Blessed.

Day 23: So thankful for Grandmas and old friends from way back when who know me best. Thankful for the relationships that build between my peeps and my hubs and my kids...and their kids every time I come home! I love the way it feels to be from and in this place.

Day 24: thankful for getting to support small businesses in Joseph today and for our fun family tradition- the "Jingle through Joseph" parade

November 25: Thankful for my own bed. Thankful for good roads and my safe driving husband to get us home. Thankful for Mandy and Joe Nelson, who always make time for us no matter how busy life is. Thankful that my mama still lives in Joseph. Thankful for my long time friend,Dawn, who has a birthday today, Happy Birthday my friend, I'll love you for another 20 years! And then some!

Day 26: I'm thankful for so many great teachers in the world. I'm grateful that Paula S Kurtz & Shelly Trueblood Orchard welcomed my girls to preschool and elementary school, giving them such a positive start, and I am so lucky to consider them both my friends. Katy Pauls, Melinda Lathrop Garcia, Robin Rose, Sharon Duty Pieloch, Stefani Schaefer Sellers, Jenn Hunter, Amy Dato Mills, Jason Ritter,

...the hard work you do does not go unnoticed! The kids who get to spend their days with you (including your own) are blessed! Thank you for all that you add to my life, I am a better parent because of you. (And seriously, Shelly, that Kinder FB page makes me light up every day at 11am...sitting at work with notifications to see how much fun my Addie had today. I LOVE IT!) For all the other teachers on my friends list, and I know there are a lot of you, I am thankful that you work hard, fight uphill battles, and chose this profession for all the right reasons. I'm thankful that you do this even without the recognition and compensation you deserve. There are multitudes of parents who will be forever grateful for the difference you make in our families! Please remember our gratitude when you have a hard day!

 — with Brian Scott and 8 others.

Day 27: I am thankful for Lynn Hansen, she is such an encouragement to me and when she talks to me her voice sounds like a hug!

Day 28: Thankful for my early release from Jury Duty, meaning I get a few hours with my kiddos before date night. How cool is that? Thankful for date night and accompanying the #1 fan to the Springsteen concert tonight. (Not sure if he is number one, number one, but number one this side of the Misssissip for sure!)

Day 29: I'm thankful that my kids have such great Grandparents. Lawrence's parents are visiting them from NJ for the 4th time this year. I'm thankful that my kids get to really "know" their Grandmas and Grandpa! I have wonderful memories and feelings of being loved by all of my Grandparents, and feel so fortunate that my kids have very close relationships with all 3 of their Grandparents.

November 30: I'm thankful for being thankful. Gratitude really is the key to contentment. It turns what you have into more than enough.