stream of consciousness about a boy

he sits there.  in his pjs.  his bare feet are still plump with baby fat, and half a leg showing from the pant leg pushed up.  he looks intently at each page as his dad reads him amelia bedelia.  his curious face is almost too much for me to look at i love it so much.  the way he studies each page and picture and knows if the wrong word is read, i look at him in disbelief.  disbelief that he is mine.  disbelief that he is this old.  disbelief that i don't take more time to marvel at him.  look at him.  look at him.  i shake my head.


we go upstairs to brush his teeth.  he is a ballet dancer on the bottom as he prances up the stairs.  he is spiderman on the top as he slings his web.  every single thing we pass catches his attention, he wants this walk to the bathroom to last forever. he sucks the toothpaste off the brush and then hands it to me to rinse.  i squeeze his jaw and brush all four pockets haphazardly.  his lips pucker cutely and his bright clear blue eyes dance as he looks inquisitively into my own.  i don't care if his teeth are as clean as his sister's were five years earlier.  good enough.  he'll live.  i tell him to go potty and then shake my head at the way he expertly lifts the toliet seat 45 degrees to pee under it, pants barely down, shirt pulled up, back arched.  a year ago i couldn't get him to do this even with my best song and dance, now look at him, a pro.  he forgets to flush.  and wash his hands.  i shrug and we walk to his room slowly.  he's not ready for bed he tells me.  i wish i felt the same.  

he studies his cd collection to decide which audio story to listen to to fall asleep after i leave the room.  he can't decide.  i am equal amounts amused and impatient as i watch him sift through a stack of cds in his basket.  he says he wants to listen to author and friends collection volume one.  i laugh that he refers to it's name in it's entirety.  he wants to listen to francine believe it er not.  he keeps saying francine believe it or not but he mushed the word all together like believeiter not.  this cracks me up.  he can't find francine believeiter not cd because i have taken it back to the library already but he remembers that his dad put it on his ipod for him already.  he gets his little green square full of stories and puts his headphones on.  he asks me to stay for a while while he listens and i do.

i sit on the floor next to his toddler bed.  he tells me the dark is scary and can i leave the hall light on.  i wonder how much longer he will have a small bed.  i wonder how much a twin mattress is.  i wonder if that's the reason we haven't moved him into the twin bed frame in his closet or if it's because this is the last toddler bed and i'm not ready.

his breath gets heavy like a wide awake snore.  he listens and looks at the the ceiling, paying close attention to the words coming out of his headphones.  i love him so much i can't stop staring.  i wonder how much longer i have to stay.  i want to get out of my work clothes, get the girls to sleep, and become one with the couch and my book. i think he must almost be asleep despite the light being on, i see his eyelids are heavy.  he sits up, pauses his green square, takes off his headphones, and looks at me to tell me about francine believeiter not.  francine is acting very strange.  he lays down get the headphones on, pushes play, gets settled.  twenty seconds later again.  he tells me that francine won't let the other kids play street hockey, she just makes them guard the goal.  again settled.  i can't get over how he keeps getting totally out of sorts and sat up and unheadphoned, just to give me the goods on his story.

i keep my hand on his heavy loud chest as he listens and breaths and dozes.  i run my hand across the fleece mickey blanket.  i see his snuggled monk monk in the crook of his neck.  i'm glad he hasn't noticed than he is missing one.  i wonder if i should go get it now, or wait for him to notice, or maybe he won't notice.  wouldn't that be nice if he doesn't notice? i'll get it later if he notices.  one hand on his chest the other in his little hand i kneel beside him and marvel at him.  t think about how i need to write it down.  how i keep missing stuff and not writing it down.  how i keep missing stuff.  how i keep forgetting to notice the details in the tired and in the piles and in the lists.  there is always so much to do and so many who need me.  the noticing, it takes backseat.  but the time flies.

today i wrote it down.  i memorized his long eyelashes.  i remember the feel of his chubby foot in lego pajamas.  the dimples on his knuckles.  today i took the time.  today.

i love this son of mine.  four years. two months, one week, and five days.  the me of the future will appreciate the me of today for not rushing past this oh too short night together and taking the energy to be with my boy and memorize the details in the beautifully mundane.

before i go to bed, one more look in at him.  i have to go get my camera for one quick click.

i don't want to leave the room.  i just can't get enough.

15 months

My baby boy Bryson is 15 months old today.  Oh, my, how there are barely words to describe him. 

His newest love is Mickey Mouse, he says "Mick Mow" and it is probably the cutest thing my ears have ever heard.  I handed him a plate shaped like Mickey last night for dinner and he held it and stared at it with a beaming smile.  We also went through a hand me down bag of clothes from a friend and found Mickey Mouse pj shirt.  Wow.  He couldn't have been more excited and has worn it for the last two nights.  He got mad when I put his sleep sack on because he couldn't see his Mick Mow anymore. 

Other loves, Elmo ("Emmo") & Donald Duck ("Duck Duck") & Thomas ("Mum-as"). 

He loves running up the stairs, slamming doors and gates, EATING, bonking his forehead on things, giving hugs, getting the broom out of the pantry and finding my full cups of coffee on the counters edge with the handle, reading books, eating books, his monk-monk, pushing buttons on toys that make noise, over and over, music, dancing, hugging soft things (so hard in fact sometimes he needs to lay his body on the couch, chair or floor to hug it enough), going outside, dada, ada, mama, lila, & DUlia (not in that order), pulling hair, brushing his teeth.  He talks all the time, and points.  I remember thinking that boys talk later than girls, but that is not the case.  He can say a lot of words, and imitates many of the things that we say, but it's a family joke that his favorites (BY FAR) are "uh-oh", "mo" (more), "Buh-Bye", "wa-wa", "monk-monk" and "Dulia!".  Actually every word he says has an exclamation point behind it.  He knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go after it with all the weight of his body.  He turns into a loose noodle to fall through your arms and through a tantrum on the floor (usually pretty short lived if you just walk away).  But man, sometimes you shut the bathroom door or take away his tooth brush and he'll cry like he just lost his best friend.  His big sad eyes and open mouth cry, always make me smile and scoop him up for a cuddle hug. 

Jeez, it's been so long since I blogged, I could write a full and funny blog on each of those loves alone. 

He is just now getting his 5th tooth, on the top, just to the left (as you look at him) of his too middles.  He gnaws on everything like a beaver, so many of our perfectly kept board books from Lily and Addie have the bindings chewed to shreds by this book loving fool. 

Favorite Foods: Bananas ("nana"),  ground turkey meatballs, chicken chili, carrots, peas, raisins, blueberries, toast, cheerios, Hot Dogs ("ought dog!"), water ("wawa" - I think he thinks all drinks are wawa),  graham crackers.  Who am I kidding trying to make a list of favorites?  This kid will eat almost anything you put in front of him.  He seems a little oatmeal and yogurt-ed out, but I think that's just because he prefers to feed himself - and he ate A LOT of both of those in the months before and after his first bday.  He likes to try and use a spoon and fork, but gets frustrated when he can't get the food into his mouth.  Putting him in a high chair means the rest of the family goes into high gear getting things done, like emptying the dishwasher and opening the pantry, things that he does not allow for when on the loose. 

I DO mean, on the loose, he is a maniac.  Into everything, climbs everything, destroys everything.  He's a lot like Lily was, so I guess I'm still not buying the boy vs girl thing, but I know that lots of people told us that baby Lily was a lot more boy than girl in her tendencies.  The only difference was there was only one of her to contain.  So for Bryson, we try very hard not to tell the girls the reason they can't play the games or beads or blocks or anything they want during his waking hours is because of their trouble making little brother.  But, they sort of know.  When we are doing a puzzle or playing a game, Addie will let out a sigh of dispair when he wakes up, knowing it is the end of her fun. 

Little People is a family favorite because we can all play with them, make a city, ride buses, helicopters, car washes, but the girls still get mad because they like to set up their scenes just so and get their guys in line for a bus, but Bryson has other ideas for their people.  We do our best to divide and conquer and rope off areas of the house for them to have some space from the littlest member of the house. 

All in all, Lily still REALLY loves Bryson, Addie's still kind of on the fence about him.  It's more of a love hate, she is still really rough with him and usually does pretty mean things to him.  To be the adult in the house with just the two of them, is the hardest dynamic.  All three is better than just the two.  Addie just cannot stay off of him, and if you distract one of them they both want in on it.  If you hold one of them the other comes and headbutts or pulls the other's hair.  It's awesome.  When they do get along (like they did in the bath last night.  It is GREAT.  I hope it's a sign of things to come.  At this age, Lily loved Addie more than anything on this planet, so it's tough that 15 months later, Addie could still do without her brother.  We keeps warning her that she better be nicer.  He is only one pound less than her, and once he is a little more steady on his feet, he will CRUSH her! And we might let him:)

He's taking 2 naps a day some days, 1 nap other days.  He drinks one bottle of whole milk before bed, warmed, even though he doesn't need it.  I stopped nursing him at the end of January and I still like that before bed cuddle that he comes with a warm bottle of milk.  He talks himself to bed, mostly pretty easily after that, with a sleep sack and a cuddle with his "monk-monk". 


As for me, things haven't been easy, I just can't seem to get a grip on all the overwhelming responsibilities I have, all that I want to be and do, and do so in a good mental space.  But I'm working hard on many fronts to be happy and present with my little guy.  With all my little guys.  These kissable cheeks sure makes it darn hard to stay down.  His many faces, his many moods, his funny quirks.  His infectious energy, and wonderful hugs (turned headbutts)....I could not love him more. 

Muah.  I love you buddy!

I can't believe he is 15 months old.  Be still, my heart.