Sad things sorry - and a nutshell.

Wow. Can't believe so many people read this blog. I'd never know it by the number of comments I get in a given week...

So, I guess I really upset a lot of you by posting that I had some sadness to write about. Sorry for that. I have to laugh a little thought because some of you who criticized me for leaving you hanging...don't let me into your lives at ALL. Good or bad! Hanging or full disclosure! It's okay to need to process sad things and it's okay to want to write about them. It's also okay to not be able to. Still, I didn't want to worry anyone. I guess I wanted to say that while I do have some sad things, I'm really doing okay. Just penning up some emotions that might better be let out.

I keep trying and I can't. I'm all blocked up when I try to write with any structure or coherence. It's hard to give the feelings any words. And then after making an statement about needing to write about sad things, and being jumped on, I really can't write. Maybe a nutshell will help, I don't know...

For those of you who don't know, my little brother has been deployed to Iraq and is in his last weeks of training in Mississippi before leaving the country for over a year. He is my only sibling and he is a very big deal to me. I want to write a lot about him and how I'm feeling (or the feelings that I'm not feeling, stuffing away, later to haunt me or make me cry at inopportune moments). I have friends who have husbands deployed with my little bro. And their sadness is so raw, I don't know what do with it all (future guest post by Melinda coming very soon). At the same time we said goodbye to Matt, Sabine also left. I have more to write about her goodbye, but I can't, not just yet. I got to wake up to see her face every day for almost a year, and I really miss seeing her so much. It's such a weird experience having someone be so close to your family, living with you, seeing the good, the bad, and the crazy, and then having them gone to be seen who-knows-when. I knew it would happen but it doesn't make me less sad. People think that because Julia is such a great AuPair, then I shouldn't miss Sabine. But I don't miss having a good AuPair, our Julia is an AMAZING AuPair, so I do have that. It's just that I miss my Bean-Bean. Just like being with one friend doesn't make you miss another friend less. I'm worried for my friend Jeanine and her mom, my heart aches for them and losing Jack a few weeks ago. And I haven't been able to talk in length with Jeanine to find out how she is doing and how they are coping. But I know the man that Jack was deserves a million posts plus one!

And then the really tragic news. On Friday, Julia's good friend was killed in a car accident. Her name was Sarah, and she was 23. She was from Julia's small hometown in Germany of 1000 people. She has been in the US for about 6 weeks, in South Carolina to study for a year. She is the oldest of 4 and her family and Julia's families are very very close to each other. Obviously the news of this, has been devastating to all of those who loved her. And even though I didn't know her, this loss for Julia and her family is weighing heavily on my heart. I want to be whatever love and support I can to my sweet girl in this time of mourning. And I pray for comfort over all the mother's in this situation. It's hard to know what to do when someone is filled with raw grief. I feel grateful that in the times that there are no words to say, Bryson's smiles seem to genuinely brighten Julia's days, even when she is feeling very down. Babies have that gift. It's hard to understand God's plan and trust him in a tragedy such as this, but we do know with certainty that she was welcomed into His loving arms. Even though it leaves a big hole for those that knew her, here on earth.

In addition to that, breast cancer is about to claim the life of my friend Julie (if it hasn't already and I just haven't gotten the news). We've all been waiting, holding our breath when we check the blog, and having mixed feelings about what we will see there. Yesterday they thought she was breathing her last breaths, but now we don't know more...

It's among some of this sadness that I do find perspective. But perspective doesn't make it less sad. If you pray, and feel so inclined, you can pray for Julie's husband, Brian; for all the people who loved Sarah, and for her little sisters and little brother, for her mom and dad; you can pray for my Julia's family, that while grieving for their friends, they can trust that their daughter will come home safely to them and that we will take good care of her; pray for the safety of my brother and that of Juan Garcia while in Iraq, pray for Jeanine, Colleen, Nycole, & Aristeo as they attempt to have peace about the void that losing Jack has left in their lives. And while your at, give a little thanks for all the good things He's doing in your life. Open you eyes and just look, you'll see it. I sure am.

So each of these things deserves more words and more time and more care. This certainly didn't feel very therapeutic. But I can't leave you all worried out there, now can I?

Julia has arrived

Julia, our new German AuPair, arrived last night around midnight. Right now, she and Sabine are downstairs and the girls are laughing and having fun with her. I can hear giggling and laughing, and the occasional shriek of Addie or Lily saying, "JULIA!!!" Bryson is napping and they are waiting for him to wake up to go to the zoo.

Thanks for all the kind words yesterday. Sometimes I just stress out, feel overwhelmed to a point of being incapable of accomplishing much.

I felt very at ease as soon as I met Julia, she is kind and sweet and very enjoyable to be around. The kids were drawn to her immediately, though they are still doing that weird, roll around on the ground/act kind of crazy to show off thing in front of her.

Sabine moved all her stuff to the play room and we marvel at the HUGE mountain of stuff that a girl can aquire in just one year, as she wonders how in the world she will fit it in to her two suitcases. And the rules have changed. Julia was only allowed to bring one suitcase! Julia loved her new room and the girls made her a welcome sign plus Lily made some cool little butterflies to hang around. I ordered prints of a bunch of pictures of her friends and family that she had sent and hung them on her bulletin board.

Anyway, after a nice drive home from the airport and chat, and a glass of water, we both collapsed into bed after 1am. Bryson woke at 5, I fed him and Lawrence got up with him. THANKFULLY. So I got to sleep in until 7:30 after that.

BIG THANK YOU TO CARRIE FOR YOUR COMMENT YESTERDAY! So needed!

2 parties and 2 goodbyes ahead. I can do this! But first, some coffee...

Winds of change

Things will be changing again today.

I'm tired, and overwhelmed, and excited, and scared, and nervous, and sad, and happy.

I'm even a little superstitious I think. On the day Sabine arrived, Lawrence lost his job. On the day Tamara started as our nanny before that, I broke my foot. Both knocked us off our feet for 3 months. Pun intended. Heh. I'm downright scared of getting a new person to care for our children! :)

Julia comes today, I pick her up tonight at midnight. Sabine will still be here until Tuesday. Five more days. It's bizarre that this year went so fast. And what a year it was.

We lost a job, and got a job, and had a baby, and made it through a pretty life changing year. Nothing earth-shattering, but hard and different and great for us, nonetheless. It's nothing that hundreds or thousands of people aren't going through right now. And we had this girl, this young woman, who arrived, and lived with us, and experienced it all with us. Typical American life? The ups and the downs. She knows us. She KNOWS our kids. She was an extension of us and our love, discipline, and even frustrations with them. And at times, with each other. She was easy and kind and respectful. And she loved us. And we loved her. Love. Past and Present.
And future.

And now things will change.

A new girl, a young woman, is coming today. And she is going to experience the ups and downs of this year with us. We don't even know what they are yet. And I'm sure we will love her and she will love us. She will come to know us and vice versa. And it will be totally different, and totally great, and another chapter in our life.

With this change comes uneasiness for me. I'm happy about it, I'm sad about it. The beginning of one thing stems from the end of another thing.

And on top of it all I've got a lot on my plate. So I'm a little overwhelmed. To give you an idea. As I said before, Julia arrives tonight, tomorrow I have financial statements due to Mr. Gates, who, you know, just invested a lot of money into my little company, then I will food shop for the parties I am throwing this weekend. Yes, plural. On Saturday, my brother, Matt will arrive, we will prepare for Sabine's going away party and Julia's goodbye party. There are 29 people expected. At my house. Which is, by the way, messy and covered with smokey and sandy laundry from camping last weekend and swimming this week. And toys and towels and WEEDS in the backyard. On Sunday, I will say goodbye to Matt and then host a baby shower for my friend Shawna, together with her mom and another friend. On Monday, it's back to work for me, where the hardest worker in my staff is on vacation for 2 days. Tuesday I take Sabine to the airport at the crack of dawn. And somewhere in there I will get to know Julia and teach all the ways of the Herman house and family. And I haven't added Bryson to the handbook, yet, but I should since he requires the most time and effort. Other than Addie who has been nearly impossible as of late.

So my blog is run-on. And my heart is excited and sad. And my party might not be in an immaculate house. Or in a weedless yard. And the food might just be the basics. And the baby shower games might be played on regular paper rather than fancy paper. And the brownies made from a box. And the gift bought on the way. And I will meet my work deadline somehow, I always do. And Julia will be great, the kids will love her, they will give her a hard time at first, but they will love her. And Sabine's family can't wait to see her again. And Matt will be okay. And he WILL come home. And I have some of the best friends and women in my life, family too, some who live far away and support me no matter what. Who let me have that big long cry I needed to have on the phone rather than in their arms. And isn't it fun to be at the other end of THAT call. And, oh yeah, there is a vacation planned this month.

So if I can just make it one week. Things will settle and I can "relax".

And at the heart of it all, I have my Lawrence, my Lily, my Addie, & my Bryson. They are the faces that make the winds of change more carefree and full of hope of happy days to come.

Welcoming Julia

This is a little late, but I want to introduce you to our new Au Pair who will be joining our family, all the way from GERMANY, in August, Julia!

I'll admit that I've been delaying writing this post because it is hard to talk about how excited we are to meet our new Au Pair without lots of sad feelings coming up about how much we will miss our current Au Pair. Even though this is all part of the hosting Au Pairs process, and you know the program is a year, and you know you will say goodbye, and you know you will say hello. It's that you don't know how you will feel it in your heart, the way you will feel after you have welcomed someone into your home and accepted them as a member of your family, for a year. How nice it is to have someone who lives with you and truly loves your children, who cares for them, and for you. Who supports your role as a mother and who is really an extension of the care you provide for them, not a replacement or care giving facility. She is a friend, and a family member, a care giver, and a big sister. This program is amazing and unique and so much more than I'd ever expected it to be, it really is.

Some of you know by now that Sabine, our "Bean-Bean", has decided to go back to Germany in August after finishing her year as our first Au Pair. We had invited her to stay a second year or even six more months, but she has decided to return to school in Germany and that starts for her at the end of August. (Insert many tears from me here! And many smiles and cheers from her family at home!!) We love Sabine - and it'll be hard to say good bye, it'll be hard to watch the kids say goodbye, and I'm sure I'll have a post later on this summer how bad I am at saying good bye to people I love. But for all that there is to be sad about, there is a lot to be happy about as well. We have four more weeks (as of today, GULP!) with our Bean-Bean, and we plan to really make the most of them. Summertime is upon us and that's when the fun really happens in Portland! (Okay, I'll admit I started this post 2 months ago, and at that time it was May 10 and we still had 3 months left! :) )

Sabine's hard decision left me (and Lawrence) with another hard decision. The next matching search was ON. I found myself for weeks finding many good Au Pair candidates, but not "the one". I was getting discouraged thinking that I might have to settle in one way or another. Then all at once, I got TWO great applications. Then I had TWO great interviews, and TWO great sets of answers to all my hard questions. Already, I could see how both of these girls could fit and add value to our family and provide excellent care for our kids. But finally we went with our deep down gut feeling, and the Au Pair of the two that Lawrence was more at ease talking with, Julia! (Consequently, the runner up was also named Julia, also 19, and also from Germany!) As soon as we made a decision, it was clear to us in so many ways that it was the right one, and even now as I re-read her application and her experience today, I'm more and more sure of what a wonderful year we have ahead.

We are so excited about Julia and how great she will fit into our family. I'd like to share something out of her application that really won us over (in addition to all the emails and skyping!) and that keeps sticking in my head. This is what the person at the agency who first interviewed and then recommended Julia to become an AuPair said about her as a summary:

Working with children and people, Julia is in her element. She never stops to acquire new ways of advancing children and helping them to find out their talents and strengths. Julia is patient, caring and a very comfortable personality. She is very creative in entertaining and leading children, is able to lead groups and is able to motivate and inspire them.

She has a a lot of experience in working with children at all age groups, having responsibility and working independent. Julia has listed a lot of qualities an Au Pair should have and in my opinion, she has all of them! Julia is not only a very friendly and warm-hearted person, she also has a very strong character and very good values. She is very responsible and mature and can cope difficult and stressful situations with her experience and her calm and reasonable kind.

Um, yeah! This is EXACTLY the feeling we've gotten from her, she has the perfect mix of experience and personality, of morals and humor. This summer she has gained additional experience by working with and driving handicapped children. She LOVES music and is in a band, she plays guitar, the trumpet and sings, she is very dedicated to her church in Germany, particularly the music and children's programs, she has so much experience working with large groups of children, from babies to teens. She's a great driver and has lots of experience driving kids and has taken a few driver safety/first aid courses. She has cared for families with up to 5 children and in each one, there was an infant to care for as well as older children to keep busy and entertained. Each of these families listed as a reference raved about her and stated that she "felt like a member of the familiy". Perfect.

Oh - I can't tell you what a difficult decision this was. Julia made it a bit easier. As any parent out there who searches for child care knows, it's hard to know or feel if you are doing the right thing. And finding the right Au Pair for your family takes this to another level, because you are choosing someone to live in our home as a family member for one or two years AND one that will be solely responsible for your kids. After Lawrence and I made the decision that this Julia was our next AuPair we've both had a lot of peace about the decision. We KNOW we made a good decision and that she was meant to be our next AP. And it's rewarding for us to see the positive impact we get to have on a young girl's life by providing her the opportunity to live with us, perfect her English, and gain a lifetime of memories. Not to mention deal with the craziness that is Us on a daily basis! :) Yep, THIS is America! :)

We will miss our Sabine, but we realize that Julia is not a replacement for who Sabine is in our lives, but just another wonderful addition; another caring girl to bring into our children's lives; another positive role model for the girls and another fun haver. She will be good at some of the same things and good at some different things too. We will try and share all the same things that we've shared with Sabine, and we hope that she will share some of herself with us with us too, just as Sabine has done. And this will make the change, just a little bit easier and a lot more fun.

But most of all, our kids will have yet another person who comes into their lives and their 'family' circle extends a little more. And Germany becomes even more ingrained in their little hearts, somewhere that they have never been, but where they will always have great connections, as well as a place to go.

Happy Birthday Sabine!!

Today is Sabine's Birthday. (That's our German AuPair, "Bean-Bean")

We had a party for her yesterday and she had a picnic out at Washington Park with her friends. While it threatened to rain, it didn't, (she says that the weather is always nice for her birthday in Germany, and we were happy that Portland didn't disappoint!) A wonderful day was had by all. The girls ended the evening by watching the sunset and sitting by the fireplace outside. Her friends made her such a special birthday video, and I was so touched at how awesome their gift was (so was she). We are so happy that Sabine is in our life, and all these girls are in her life!

Our girls made cupcakes with Bean - Bean.

Bryson celebrated by eating his first rice cereal, and loved it.

Fun Videos from yesterday:

Addie waited for about 30 minutes at the table drooling over the cupcakes she and Lily helped make.

We got 22 candles on her cupcake. Fire hazard? Yes. Make a WISH!



Sabine has added so much to our family over the last 9 months and we adore her. She honestly makes our family better and our house more fun! We are so happy to tell her that we love her and celebrate her special day here in the US!

We love you Bean-Bean!!!

Love,
All five of us!!

Run Earth Day Run

While I was at my conference last weekend, yes, I still haven't blogged about that either, Lawrence, Sabine, and the girls did an "Earth Day Race". Lily's (and Sabine's) was a 1K, while Addie's was a kids dash. As you can see below, Addie nearly got trampled. They both had so much fun but were slightly upset that the medals which were proudly advertised didn't get shipped in time for the race.

When mommy is away, daddy never fails to disappoint, I'm only sorry I missed it!

I did get a text from my friend Carrie on Saturday morning and it made my day. It said, "Driving through Tigard and saw sweet Addie running her heart out! Cutest thing ever. Lawrence was filming his butt off. Thought you'd want to know. Hope you are having a great time."

What an awesome message to get when away from my family for the weekend. My favorite part was that he was FILMING so I would get to see it!

You can too, click below...



RUN ADDIE RUN



LILY AND SABINE GOT CAUGHT IN A DOWNPOUR AND DADDY'S BATTERY DIED

They just posted the pictures on line of the race. Click on the link below then choose "kids" on the drop down that says "all categories". Then hit "Refresh". You can see Lily in fucsia on the bottom of the first page and Addie in black with yellow hood a few pages later. You can see Sabine and Lily on page two with her dark gray GAP hoodie, running with Lily! :)

http://www.backprint.com/view_event_photos.asp?PID=bp%18~A&EVENTID=62415&PWD=

A little bit of drowning.

A few of you have reminded me that there are no blog posts since Mar 22. Well that was the day I returned to work, and my new normal changed. So that's the reason there are no posts. Because today is that last day of the quarter, and because I have no time to share the good the bad, and the ugly with you all, I'm going to to give you a "little things" list, JCH style (her style is way more articulate and spunky than what I have time or energy to do)!

Going back to work hasn't been as bad as I thought
Going back to work has been a million times harder than I thought
Got walked in on at work while pumping by male coworker = humiliating
Milk supply isn't the best, but I'm making due. One bottle of formula per day.
Sabine is in Miami today to meet one of her BFFs from Germany who came to see her- SO excited for her.
Mom came to watch the kids
Mom's car broke down 25 miles outside of Portland (she lives 6 hrs away so it could be worse)
Mom's car can't be fixed
Used car shopping with mom this week
New work out goal is 5 days out of 7 per week
Last week I did 6 days! Love extra credit.
This weekend I get to go jean shopping.
With a gift card from Xmas. Wahoo!
My friend Julie has cancer again. For the third time. After an 11 month "break". I'm pissed! Devastated! Grrr. Words can't describe how much I wish she didn't have to rally her troops and get her fighting gloves on. AGAIN!
Damn Chemo is getting in the way of a super fabulous vacation she had planned though, and that BITES!
Riding in a car with my mom driving is enough to make me wanna drink
Riding with my mom driving in a stranger's car, in the city, while they sit in the back seat = priceless thrill ride (of course, no offense mom!)
Keep "forgetting" to eat or drink water all day and that is no good - but where to fit it in.
B at work, was on vacation at work for 3 days last week. SHE DOES A LOT OF WORK. I know, cause I did her job while she was out. I'm not good at her job. I'd rather review that work, not DO it.
I'm glad she's back, and will make sure to treat her like the GEM she is from now on!
I scrapbooked last Friday and Sunday - I'm up to June 2009!
Shred on-line boards has added 4 members looking for accountability partners; positive energy from great women supporting each other is essential for a lovely life
I can't stop wondering if being "brave" for posting before and after pics on this blog is a compliment or not?
I miss Robin Cummings!
Why are we so hard on ourselves, moms? STOP IT!!!
My friend Melinda came from Boise during the week to recycle some maternity clothes and cloth diapers passed on by another friend. Only a few minutes to chat, but great to see her. Found out her hubby is going to "the yucky place" with my brother next year. He's going, Matt's going, might be in the same unit, however all that works.
I'm getting to bed too late and getting up too early.
This is the first time I've set an alarm clock since having children.
BUT...Bryson is sleeping through the night.
Addie is going through the hardest time with me returning to work. Bedtime battles = understatement.
Lily has been doing awesome. She isn't getting the credit she deserves because I keep being too busy with the other two to notice properly. I'm working on that.
Seriously, my baby has the best smile ever...you can't help but get a little tickle in your heart when he squeals and smiles at the sight of you. Yummy!
My girls have started fighting with each other like sisters. A lot! It was a good ride...
We went to church on Sunday and I felt so loved by God. Especially during the singing.
Sabine came too, I liked having her there.
Passover is this week, we talked about it a lot and then hid the Matzah - Addie found it and got a dollar, then we hid it for fun. No one knows why we hide the afikomen, but we did it because that's what you do.
Saturday the Powers came over for a BBQ. It was great, the 3 girls played good. I love them and the friendship they bring. So excited their family is growing! Yep you heard that right? !!
Lawrence got to go skiing on Sunday, with a friend, he forgot what a good skiier he was with out me or kids to hold him back. HE DESERVED IT!!!
I'M SO SO SO SO SO SO thankful for how great Sabine did with my three children last week. She can totally do this. She can do it well.
I hate to think of the day when she will leave our family. I don't know yet when that is, but no matter when it is, it will be too soon!
Uncle Matt is on the way this morning so Gma Lanie "Yanie" as Addie says, doesn't have to go it alone. He has only been home for 3 days after drilling for a month in AZ, so I REALLY appreciate being able to count on him in a pinch.
Thanks to Heather too!
I haven't found my "organized" rhythm that makes me feel sane. No balance yet. Not sure what to do when I have a free minute because there are too many things to choose from.
So I chase my tail a lot. Sometime for 20 full minutes.
My husband has been amazing lately. He's really stepping it up with a smile. Our marriage feels SO strong and on the same wave length for several months now. Boy is that a good thing!
Date night is a MUST this weekend. A MUST!
We both need to dig a little deeper for patience and a good discipline strategy for our nutty 2.5 year old. Kinda going through the noneffective, inconsistent motions right now...with a dash of doing it right here and there.
This is my "me" time for the day. I'm drowning. Last day of the month and the quarter. Can't close until I finish my review of the year end closing that happened while I was on leave.
So.Much.To.Do.
I'm still in a good mood. A good drowning mood.
I am blessed.

Despite drowning this week, I can also say that I haven't been this strong, mind, body, and soul for a really long time. There isn't time to blog about it because I'm sinking most days with so much more to do than what is possible. There is a whole blog to write on each of these sentences. Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Thanks for your support this week Jenn, Sabine, Kirstin, Lawrence, and Mom...can't believe the overflow of love that keeps me afloat.

3 months

Today was a great and wonderful day. I wanted to write a big long post about it all, as well as an update on my THREE month old, complete with pictures. Unfortunately it is almost midnight and the goodness of the day took up all my time to write a good blog. Oh, I hate it when that happens! :) I spent the early morning with Bryson, then the late morning with Addie (out at Michael's picking a few special crafts for her and I to do together), then the afternoon skiing with Lawrence and Lily on Mt Hood, then the evening riding home with Lawrence, getting to talk with Lily asleep in the back. Sabine had an easy time with Addie and Bryson today, for bedtime and everything, and daylight savings Sunday has just been a really great day for me.

I just read that someone very dear to me is not having a good day, she is, in fact, struggling very much. It breaks my heart for her, and I want to take away pain that I can't take away. No one can. I feel so hurt for her that I almost didn't want to post about my lovely day. But then, I know she wouldn't want that either. She doesn't want others to feel down with her, she just wants herself to feel BETTER. I know she can get there. I know she can do it. She has endured so much more than her kind heart should have to endure. You know who you are, my friend, and I am here for you and will do anything I can...I want you to know that you matter to me. You matter very much.

I had to say that before I got on with my post because her troubles are really weighing on my heart.

I really logged on to my laptop to talk about:
My little Bryson is three months old today. And he is amazing. I think back to 6 weeks ago when I took him to the baby chiropractor and how that helped and changed him from an unhappy fussy baby to the baby I have now. He's huge, and happy, and smiley, and just a pleasure to be around. Except OH MY ACHIN' BACK. Seriously the kid is huge. He has been sleeping really great, and doing long stretches at night. He eats about every 2.5-3 hrs during the day, 5-6oz or so at a feeding, and takes 45 minute naps. He can't stay awake longer than an hour and 15 minutes, so he take a lot of naps a day still. But after 7 pm, he seems to know it is bed time and sleeps until 10-11 when I wake him for a dream feed, he then sleeps until...(other moms with babies older than him don't kill me)...5-6 (and today with the time change 7:20!!!).

I'm still nursing but have been struggling a bit with milk supply. When I pump, sometimes I get 3-4oz and he will eat 6oz. I was pumping and mixing in a bit of formula to supplement him, but that was kind of exhausting and sometimes he would eat a little less and I'd be mad that the exact amount of formula I'd added was how much he didn't eat. Anyway, then I tried giving him straight formula after nursing to see if he was still hungry. But he doesn't like formula by itself. And again that was more work. So NOW I know which two feedings I have much less milk than what he drinks, I pump and bottle those two feedings, and I give him ONE 6oz bottle of formula for his dream feed at 10-11pm. Since he is asleep, he takes it without problem. That also means I don't have to smell soy formula spit up. UGh. So I know this seems like a lot of boring information, but I'm mostly just documenting it for myself and his baby book anyway. What? You think this is a place for interesting information. Look elsewhere! haha. So after the dream feed, I pump and that milk, I either freeze for my going back to work time, or use it to supplement the two pumped bottles the following day. Yeah, it sounds like a disaster when I say it out loud, but like most of my madness, there is a method...and it's working...he's growing and I'm getting some sleep and still breast feeding. Right about now, those are the three most important things for me.

I'm still dairy free, and I think I could probably add dairy back into my diet but have decided to wait until 4 months to try because he is doing so well, why rock the boat. Nursing with him has been the most challenging of the 3, I think because of him getting the RSV at 5 weeks and all the pumping and bottling that went on then, it just affected my milk supply as well as his nursing. He acts like he is choking EVERY SINGLE TIME he starts nursing. I know my let down is really strong, but he just acts like he cannot handle it but coughing and burping and choking and crying. He's really kind of a drama king about it, I mean, dude, it's just milk spraying in your face, up your nose, and down your throat, deal with it!!! :) Anyway, all the pumping and formula and weirdness of schedule has come down to a daily routine that is working for both of us.

I start back to work tomorrow half time from home for that week. Then back to the office 3 days a week and from home for 2 days as my normal schedule. I am dreading it. There has been a pit in my stomach each time I think of it. But since I don't have to "start" until 1:30 tomorrow afternoon to get my 4 hrs in for tomorrow, I refused to feel like today was the Sunday before I return to work. I will not be discontented. I will be grateful for a job that lets me ease in this way and for a boss who will allow my working from home time to continue.

Oh, but I love the lazy days with my Bryson. The foggy, wear pjs half the day, and work out clothes the other half days. The put my hair in a pony and change my pj bottoms to jeans and wala, I'm dressed for the day days. The laying and snuggling and napping and loving on him days. The I get smiled at every time I speak days!

I'm so thankful to have had Sabine here to be with the girls during these days. Bryson surely would have gotton lost in their shuffle had it not been for the time she devoted to them, so I could really get to know my little man. This is especially true since Lawrence wasn't able to take time off from his new job. I will be forever thankful that we decided to go out on a limb and get an au pair from Germany, and hold our breath that it wouldn't be terrible. And it isn't, it's wonderful and now she's an important part of our family. As the years go on and we have other au pairs, when I think of this special time when 4 became 5, I will think of her, and how much she contributed to my happiness and peace with my little guy during this time. Even though they NEVER seem to give her an easy time at the same time, both girls love and adore her too. She is their family and they love her very much. So thank you Bean-Bean for your 7 months (today!) with us, and especially thank you for making the last 3 months so much easier for me, and for being so nice to be at home with during my maternity leave.

Okay, I think I've covered all my bases here, minus the short and sweet entry, heh, and minus the 3 month photo and ski photos, and minus the coherent thought flow. But I got some of the important stuff I wanted to say. And for a good day like today (uh, yesterday since it is now 12:24am) that will just have to do!

A weekend of heart

My breakfast....
Sweet sisters at Lily's school party

What a weekend. I'm not sure where to even start. I guess the beginning is probably a good place.

On Friday I went to Lily's Valentine party at school, and as usual, she was the most awesome big sister ever. She and Addie didn't leave each others side. Being around the house so often I forget how much they love each other when it's them and the world. I was in bed by 9pm because last week was a really exhausting week. Bryson has been up about 3x a night, starving. He's only napping for 45 minutes, so that means no naps for me. My knees have been killing me from the 30 day shred. In general just exhausted. Then he woke up FOUR times to eat that night. It might not have been so daunting except that Lawrence, Lily, & Sabine were waking up bright and early on Saturday morning to go skiing and I'd be on my own with him and Addie for a very busy Saturday. I kept the wakeups and tiredness in perspective because...

On Saturday I went to a funeral for an 8 month old daughter of my friend, Kim. Julia's celebration of life was absolutely beautiful. Probably the most touching funeral I've every been to. Her mama, Kim, actually spoke about Julia's little life, and I can't describe how moved I was by the whole service. I cried and cried and cried for a baby I barely knew who made such a big impact. Her four year old brother got up to say something, he talked about loving and playing with Julia, and I could barely catch my breath through my tears. The pastor's words and songs were so comforting, and it was obvious he had come to love this little girl and this family so much. Kim, as always, encouraged me to have more love and faith, and as I've said before to enjoy each and every moment I am given with my children as a gift. She lifted her hands lovingly to God for giving her the gift of Julia and changing them all forever.

I could have slept for days after I got home from the funeral - but that's not my reality - having that fresh and emotional perspective from the funeral gave me the energy to get through the day and afternoon paying attention to the little moments. Laughing and snuggling with Addie and watching Bryson as he discovered the mobile above his changing table. I also marveled at there perfectly made little bodies, and held them close as they took in each breath.

When Lawrence came home, everyone was excited. Lily and Sabine had done REALLY well skiing and they had photos and video and stories to tell. Both impressed by skiing so well, really turning and slowing and doing the chair lift very very well! My friend Shawna came over when I went to the funeral and Addie had a lot to tell about getting to play with Shawna. The girls danced and laughed and hugged and SCREAMED like they hadn't seen each other in years. Addie is a totally different kid without Lily. She behaves better and is a little less crazy. She loves to be the helper and she ANSWERS FOR HERSELF even, without big sis stepping in nonstop. But she also looks for her, waits for her, and misses her terribly.

Shortly after they came home, I pumped a bottle, got dolled up and Lawrence and I left to go to a 40th bday party of our good friend. It was so fun, we really had a blast without the kids. And it was easy because they only live a few blocks away. It is our 2nd 40th bday in a few months and we can't believe that we are in the season of 40th bday parties!!!! It seems like just yesterday everyone we knew was celebrating 30...

Today - Valentine's Day - the day everyone on FaceBook seems to love to hate - was so nice and relaxing. We did nothing, we stayed in PJs all day. We gave little to each other. Just hung out and rested and enjoyed the love of our family.

We decided to give the kids a few of our favorite books. Mine was The Pokey Little Puppy and Lawrence's was Ticky Ticky Tembo. We got Lily some BOB books from Powell's (used level one set for only $14!!!). I could write a whole other blog on her and reading. But Today SHE TOTALLY got it. She read me two of the books and was sounding it out all on her own. It was awesome. If you asked me when she was two (when she was writing her name and knowing all letters, lower and caps), I would have told you she'd be reading at 3 but for some reason she has been hesitant and every time we work on it, she gets crazy and silly and stops trying. I haven't pushed her, but I've known she could do it for well over a year, maybe 2. And today, SHE DID IT. So it was really exciting for me. And for her! She was so proud of herself, and so confident as she sounded each word out and then amazed said the word quickly as she knew what it was. I know this 'clicking' will make me happy many many many times in her smart little life. It already has as she can add and subtract and divide in her head like no other pre-ker I've seen! I enjoyed it so much today.

I have more to say and more pictures to post, but I need to go dream feed Bryson (who by the way is TWO MONTHS OLD today!!!) and it is almost 11pm, so it's time to post.

Happy Valentine's Day. Today and every day, I really love this life and the people in it.

I was going to post the link to last year's valentine's pictures and letters because I think it is fun to do, but we had 4 vday posts! I forgot that Lawrence did a "guest blogger" thing! I just re-read them and they are SO SO sweet. Man I love my man! :) The link below takes you to Feb 2009 archive, which contains an entry for out of the past, or Lawrence's 2008 vday poems to his three girls. Anyway, you have to scroll down so see the Vday stuff. But SO sweet!

http://hermanfamdam.blogspot.com/2009_02_01_archive.html

Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking...take six weeks

I started this post 2 weeks ago! I'm sitting here trying to make a to do list to feel a little less overwhelmed and a little more organized, but somehow getting a blog out makes me feel both of those things. For some reason it won't let me take this post off italics, so italics you get!

Bryson is six weeks today. It's a little hard to believe that somehow six weeks has passed. A few weeks ago I was thinking about the passing of time. It just keeps marching on. And while I was struggling with him through "colic" and being sick and all the reassurance I received from people were things like "this too shall pass" or "it'll be over by 3-4 months", I couldn't help but feel somewhat cheated. I'll be going back to work the week of March 22, and THIS is the time I have with him now. THIS is when I want to enjoy the time. I don't care so much about it getting "easier", because, HA, that's sort of a joke, considering there are days with Lily and Addie that I think, I can't believe they are still this much work.

I guess that's why I'm so shocked and grateful of the huge impact of the chiropractic treatment. And I'm so pleased/blessed/thankful. Because it really gave me back time with my baby and I feel like I was able to do something other than just wait it out. It isn't about me, HE is so much less miserable. And what mommy doesn't relish in seeing that!?

I'm still in somewhat of survival mode, and it seems like I should be operating at a higher level by now. I'm not napping every day (not by choice) but I'm not showering every day either, and often find myself still in my spit up covered pjs at lunch time with my teeth unbrushed. Last night Bryson had a really hard night, I'm not sure what that was about, but he couldn't get back to sleep after eating at 11pm, and was up and down until 4:30am when I put him in his own room, in his own crib. And then he slept for 2 hrs. He's in there now, and is taking his first real nap in his own bed. I need to get a child proof door knob for his room to keep Addie from marching and to wake him up and see what he is up to. She's a little stinker too, yelling, "WAY UP Bwyson!"

Physically, I feel pretty good, I'm still wearing mostly maternity sweats, umm, clothes for the most part because it's whats quick and comfy and in my drawers, but I did squeeze into a pair of non elastic waist jeans the other night for an outing. I'm planning to try to lose the weight using the 30 day shred. I've heard that this is GREAT for postpartum moms. But so far, I'm actually pretty pleased with my postpartum stomach. I remember feeling shocked by it's largeness after my last two pregnancies, so either I'm just more realistic this time about what to expect, or it is in fact a bit smaller, likely some combination of the 2. My goal is always to lose the weight by time the baby is nine months, but in reality I usually lose it closer to 2 years...who's counting. We have a family vacation planned in August and since that is close to 9 months and as good of time as any, I might shoot for that as my goal. I know that getting back in shape will give me more energy and strength and I care about that more than what size of jeans I'm fitting into. Wait, could that be age and maturity talking? naaaaaaahh.....

When I was on maternity leave with Addie I was so FUNCTIONAL by this point. I was joining mommy meet up groups, going for long walks in the park, enjoying days with Lily and Addie, and don't mind if I admit having days of feeling pretty supermomish. I'm pretty sure she was doing six or more stretches at night, so I was relatively rested. It was August, and in Portland that is just a FABULOUS time of year, spirits are high, and mine definitely were. I don't mind the gray skies or the rain, I still think it is really beautiful here year round, but it's certainly more work to get out to get fresh air because, frankly, it just doesn't feel that good. So fresh air and exercise is sometimes limited to the mad dash to the car as to not get wet.

All that being said, with Addie, I started having anxiety attacks around 8 weeks. I didn't recognize the cause at the time but it was my thinking (dreading) of going back to work. I even had my heart checked out, because it was pounding in my chest and I couldn't see that I was feeling anxious. I got to stay home for 16 weeks with Addie and this time I'll be going back with Bryson is three months old. More of my anxiety right now stems from the logistics of managing all the things and people in my life that I will need to manage. Right now things are pretty simple during my days. They are very tiring sleep deprived days, but they are simple. My full time job is feeding and caring for Bryson. Sabine takes care of the girls, and while I play with them and give them some love throughout the day, she keeps them fed and on their schedule and takes them on outings, does crafts, chauffeurs Lily to school 3 afternoons a week. I've got it pretty good. Bryson is my only job, and they idea of that changing hurts my brain. And my heart.

But I don't like to complain, I do not believe there is a full time working mom out there who has it as good as I do. I work at home 2 days a week, and have all the flexibility in the world from my childless, single, male boss to take care of things at home when needed. I sometimes wonder what he thinks about the quantities of illness and accidents and ear infections that two (soon to be three) children can acquire. Still, he always lets me do what I need to do as long as the work gets done, which it always does. He knows that I will always do what needs to be done to meet deadlines, etc. I do keep up my end of the bargain, and work many late nights after the family is in bed doing so. I'm in a position lots of working moms would love to be, and I always want to keep that in perspective.

I'm just saying, life IS simpler when I don't have to worry about accounting software, or balance sheets, or sales numbers, or tax deadlines, or vacation days, or account balances. So for now I'm going to relish in the fact that I have six more weeks just to be mom. And for the record, I really do like just being mom. And since I see both sides of the world, being "just" mom, is much much harder than having "time off" to go to the office and be with grown ups 3 days a week. Notice above I said simpler, not easier. Going to work is working, yes, but also peeing and lunching when you like. Having a few minutes of quiet to think when you like. Enjoying a hot cup of coffee without the worry of it scalding a something-month-old when you like. These are things you don't have but often desperately need when you are "just" mom. So I get those things a few days a week, and then I get to be mom more days a week and I get to contribute to supporting the family as we need. And it's crazy and hard, but so is any path you choose and once the boat settles this job and this company do give me some semblance of balance that we all are looking for.

PLEASE Just remind me of all that when I'm clinging to my door knob watching 3 crying faces out the window with my breast pump loaded on my back and tri-met tickets in my pocket and I'm screaming, "NO I DON'T WANT TO GO!!"

Lily and B having tummy time
Daddy with his 3 kids, early am style. I love how he doesn't look tired AT ALL!

B falling asleep in Jeanine's arms
More tummy time
Falling asleep during tummy time!

Sabine is here!!

Our new Au Pair, Sabine, arrived from Germany on Friday. After months of choosing the perfect Au pair for us and then months more of staying in touch, getting to know each other, it is hard to believe that the day actually come. And can you believe that the NIGHT before I still had a million things on my to do list that were left to finish until the next day. Things like wash the bedding from my in laws visit, almost 2 weeks prior, putting shelf paper in her dresser, moving our skiing stuff out of her closet, printing some of her pictures to hang on her bulletin board, cleaning her bathroom. Things that could have been done for weeks. But actually, if you know me, you know that I always have a million things to do that don't get done until the last minute.

Well we got a bit of bad news on Friday morning (more on that later) and it threw my day off, exhausted me a little bit emotionally and long story short a week later she still is sharing her closet with my snowpants...but her bedding and bathroom are clean and she loves her room, so I'm not a total failure.

Sabine had a great week at Au Pair school and she had fun on her NYC tour, though it was too short. It was only 4 hrs and even 4 days isn't enough to see all you'd want to in New York. But she got a taste and knows that she wants to go back to see more now.

When she arrived here she was a little shaken from some serious turbulence. We were happy to see each other, and then both went straight to bed once we got home, we were beat.

On Saturday we did the FAAN walk (another post) and Sabine came, we weren't sure she'd want to with all the travel and jet lag, but she said she felt great and joined right in. She squeezed between the two girls in their car seats, since we hadn't moved seats around yet in the trailblazer. It ended up being a great opportunity for her to bond with the kids on the way to Vancouver.

They absolutely love her. I'm so glad we skyped all those times because they felt as though they knew her and were only shy for a few minutes. When they woke in the morning, they could not WAIT for her to get up.

We are having fun getting to know each other. She speaks wonderful English, but it takes some time for us to always understand each other. Mostly because we don't know how the other describes something like a garbage disposal or a cell phone charger. The words don't translate exactly. Then there is the fact that she has never heard of Budweiser! :) And in Germany women put Sprite in their beer. Ewe! :) Ruining perfectly good beer???

Anyway, we are all having fun with it. Lawrence and I have a very sarcastic sense of humor. That also doesn't translate. Like today when I told her to throw a fax machine out the window (she didn't). She did laugh hard when I told her to put it on Lawrence's pillow.

On Sunday we relaxed a lot and it was a good thing because Sabine seemed to be getting a bit of a cold and wasn't feeling great. Even though she didn't think the jet lag affected her, I think that it did affect her body by hitting her with a stuffy nose and sore throat. Josh, Shawna, & Rachel came over for a BBQ and to welcome her. On Monday, she also wasn't feeling good. It was our anniversary (another post) and she was scheduled for her first day, and a long day. She is such a trooper. She has great work ethic and really powered through, even showing unending patience for the kids, while both Lawrence and I were home training her. She also went to the park with the kids and Lawrence. He has been making her drive whenever they go anywhere and she is definitely a good driver. Then you read the post below about the Rose baby and how Monday finished up! :)

Last night we went to Jeremy and Jennifer's for a BBQ, she had a great time, and that is when all the Budweiser talk came up because she brought 2 beers for Lawrence, one from Germany one from Poland. Lawr split them both with Jer, his partner in beer tasting. Jeremy works for Budweiser and couldn't believe she didn't recognize the can. He was asking all these hard differences trying to figure out things in Germany that were not like the US and vice versa. She was a great sport and a great help with the girls, even though she was not "on duty". We are both figuring out how she fits into the family and how it works when she is on duty but we are home and how it works when she is with us but not on duty. So far, it is going better than I could have hoped.

Today Katy came over to drive them all to ballet, and apparently the girls gave her a little harder time with Katy there too. But Sabine and Katy had heard A LOT about each other and really were glad to get to meet. In the afternoon Sabine and the girls had a great time, including ice cream for snack because it was such a HOT day. Tonight Lawrence had a Hood to Coast meeting and Sabine and I got to chat over dinner after the kids were in bed. Then we got her set up to download pictures and set up Skype on the home computer with a new webcam with microphone. It was a busy night, but we had fun. Thanks to my brother Matt who spend about 45 minutes on the phone and skype with us to get it all figured out. He must think I am SUCH an idiot sometimes, but I think he likes how much I need his help for computer type stuff.

There are many things that Sabine does, little things, that show us we made a perfect decision of who to ask into our home for a year and care for our kids. She shows so much respect and consideration, she is caring with the kids, she can be firm with them when needed, and she is an extremely hard work. She also did a lot of homework reading the family manual I wrote from her and when she pulled out her copy I could tell she'd gone through it with a fine tooth comb. It's hard to describe how you will know if someone is going to be a good fit for your family. Because you don't. But there are so many little things that are NOT annoying and that are NOT invasive and that show what a quality person she is. YAY! So much of my anxiety about this has melted. We have also let her know that she is doing this a very hard way to start off, trying to establish control with both parents at home. I think the next 2 days she will be all on her own and it will be easier with the kids.

For now, there is a lot to do! She still is far from self sufficient as far as driving directions and getting to school, making friends, getting her Oregon drivers license and Social Security Card. But this is a list, one you mark of and go through. These just take time to accomplish and we can do it. While I feel that there is a lot for us to do, and I feel like I keep telling her, we will get to that later, I'm so glad that the important stuff, the stuff that is much much harder to take care of, is going really smooth and easy.

Tomorrow we are going to Music in the Park and Sabine might get to meet another Au Pair from Germany who has been here for two months and lives near the park we are going to. Then this weekend she gets to go to the Beach for her first Au Pair meeting. It will be a great chance for her to meet some other Au Pairs in Portland as well as see the Pacific Ocean!!

In this post, I've listed THREE other posts to come. How will I ever get caught up? Probably won't and you'll say, where is that post on her anniversary that she mentioned six months ago. Hey, my Au Pair needed to learn to work my washing machine so that she could help me with some of my burden...OKAY!!!???? I'm doing my best and for now, it seems good enough...

Meet Sabine

Today we finally made the very big decision of hiring an Au Pair. She will come to us on August 14. Her name is Sabine. (Sa-bean-a). She is 21 from Germany. Her parents are married and she has 2 sisters and a brother. Her sisters are one and two years older than her and her brother is 10 years younger.

We have reviewed about 100 Au Pair applications, interviewed about 10 girls, we had one other come close, but Sabine was the definite fit for us. I feel relieved to have made this decision, but
still a little nervous about what it will be like. Her English is very good and we have no problem understanding her. We've interviewed her separately (Lawrence and I) as well as Skyped a few times with the girls. Addie calls her "Bean-bean" and Lily loves loves loves her!

We are excited for the girls to learn some German as well as with all the help she is going to give us. This will be like adding a member to our family who also cares for our children. Exchange student meets live in Nanny. She will be required to take 6 hrs of classes while she is here in the first year. We will have one year with her and at the end we will have the option to extend another 3,6,9, or 12 months with her. We are very very excited. The pictures are of her and her family (top), she is the second from the left, and of her and her favorite little buddy that she babysits, Pierre. I'm sure you will here a lot more about her over the coming months, but that is the gist.

You can see the original post (which I just finished but started in February, sigh) on why and Au Pair here.