Forgiveness

After thinking and praying for the last few months about areas of my life where I feel stuck, I made a bit of a break though.  Today I did some serious forgiving.  I sat with a friend and God as my witness.  I forgave, He listened, and she listened.  I wrote it down and ripped it up.  It is dated.  It is forgiven.  


I didn't think it would be immediate but I feel lighter already.  In my shoulders and my jaw, I feel loose where I used to feel tense.  


There are a million and one great quotes about forgiveness.  All of them elude to not being able to change the past and but making the future better for yourself, that it has less to do with the person you are forgiving but has everything to do with yourself, that through forgiveness you give up hope that the past could have been any different.  True, true, true.  Hard, hard, hard.  


I don't live a life full of resentment, so I definitely didn't realize how much forgiveness I needed to offer, until I started thinking about it, until I made a list of the hurts I wanted to forgive.  Some of the people I forgave are integral parts of my life.  Woven and meshed, people I could not live without.  Some of them are people I will never see again and never care to see again.  A few I will pass on the street but pretend not to see, definitely not make eye contact.  And each is forgiven.  Not for them, but for me.  They don't even have to know about it, because it is mine.  


It feels really good.  

I know it will be hard, at times, to keep a clean slate with the thoughts of old wounds creeping in.  Here is the verse that I will keep close, so that I am able to release any anger, or any hope that the past could have been different.  


2 Corinthians 10:5
~We break down every thought and proud thing that puts itself up against the wisdom of God.  We take hold of every thought and make it obey Christ.  


~We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God.  We capture our rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.


~We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.  


Three versions of the same verse, so that I can understand it, and recap it, and get it in my heart.  

I am free.  

Be Bold

I mentioned yesterday how the last week of morning quiet time has been so beneficial to me.  I don't typically share what's going on in my faith journey, but I decided to share it today.  I was encouraged to just write. To be bold and honest about the wonderful ways God is touching me and changing my heart.  

I've always had a lot trouble relating to the Bible.  The stories were interesting and stuff, but with all the laws, and nations, and sacrificing, and hard to pronounce names, and being imprisoned...I just couldn't apply it to me.  Sure, as a kid, I could memorize verses, like I told you before, for the candy.  


As an adult I've been too overwhelmed and I didn't know where to start and I felt like I just couldn't find the time to read  or study the Bible like I thought I was supposed to.  Do I open and point?  Do I start at the beginning?  So I did practically nothing.  I read books about the Bible, books about God, those encouraged me to seek Him for who He is.  But unless I was in church or doing a Bible study, I didn't crack The Book open much.  It was more something I only knew how to do when I was assigned, or told where to go what to learn, and less something I knew how to get into for myself, or wanted to get into by myself.  


Over the last year that has changed quite a bit, as I have changed, and my understanding of God has grown.  I've been able to find practical advice and encouragement, in the Bible, among the verses.  The kind that I used to think people were just making up when they proclaimed it.  It sounded so cliche or fake to me.  Because I didn't get or feel what they seemed to be feeling.  I've been on the verge of "getting it" for a while.  But now I'm truly getting there, and it is amazing.  

Last Monday was the first day of the audit and also my first day of quiet time.  It was the day I was dreading, and the month I was dreading for the last several.  I woke up early to a quiet house, and the verse that I studied and journaled about and meditated on was Isaiah 41:10. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; 
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I cannot begin to explain how full of fear I am.  So full.  But after spending all week with this verse last week, I feel less afraid.  God's got this.  and this.  and this.  andthisandthisandthis and every.single.fear.that.i.could.muster.and.believe.me.i.could. muster.a.lot.

Wow.  I studied the word dismayed a little bit, and found that verse in another version of the Bible translated as "do not anxiously look about you".  Yeah, so if there is something other than being afraid, anxiously looking about me is what rides next to me in my side car.  But God says to me: do not.  

Last week was one of the most peaceful weeks my soul has had in a long long time.  I was not afraid and I was not anxious.  And there was a lot of stress and a lot of turmoil, and I should have been afraid and anxious.  But I wasn't.  My wise friend told me that when we spend time in the Bible it isn't about how much we read or memorize, but about how much gets in our heart.  Until last week, I'm not sure that I really knew what she was talking about.  This was just one verse that I looked at, and I can say for sure I felt it really get tucked away deep in my heart.  

On Wednesday I read Romans 12.  In my (layman's terms) version of the Bible, verse 12 said: Be glad for all God is planning for you, be patient in trouble, and in everything be prayerful.  

The words that jumped off the page were Be Glad and Be Patient.  Two things that I want to be.  Two things that I am not.  But God says to me: Be.

I decided to look this verse up in the NIV version and here is what I found: 

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer

Wow.  Beautiful.  When I looked up affliction, I found it defined as anything that causes suffering.  


On Wednesday, as I read this, I thought about my friend, ShanRae who was going in that day to have outpatient surgery to have another mole removed, relieved that it was not melanoma this time, but still more surgery with 30+ more stitches, deep in her thigh.  Suffering with patience and joy and hope while praying.  


I decided to go back and read Romans 12 in it's entirety, and here is the list of the life lessons I journaled.  The ones I can use in my moments.  From the Bible.  That apply to my life as it is now.  Sorry if that is already obvious to you, but I am still amazed by this.  That the God who created the Universe, Who knows every star by name, cares enough about little ol' me, that He leads me to a verse written 2000+ years ago in Hebrew translated in a bunch of different versions of English, that can ease my fears and help me to live a better life.  Today.  In the moments, I mean, just. wow.


Be Glad
Serve Him
Love Others
Be Honest
Be Patient
Do not act important
Be Prayerful
Do not act lazy
Have faith

"When I don’t measure up to much in this life 

Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ" Chris Tomlin, Forgiven

Bible Verses

When I was a kid, I loved going to Vacation Bible School or with my friends to Sunday School and Children's Church. My mom wasn't religious at all, but she allowed me to go and figure out for my self what I believed. For that, I am so grateful. Anyway, one of my favorite things was the...CANDY. Man, did they give our a lot of candy. I also remember memorizing Bible Verses. I was SUPER good at it. I didn't ever really stop to think about what the verses meant, except that if you got them right, they usually gave you more CANDY. Sometimes in my adult life, I'll hear a bible verse and remember little Jenny memorizing that verse, then reciting it the loudest/first/most accurate...to get some, you guessed it, CANDY. Man little Jenny with her big glasses was cute. I used to be excellent at memorizing. It served me well in choir, drama, heck, even in college. My mom used to tell me phone numbers when I was 6 years old, full on, with area codes, and I'd memorize them so she didn't have to remember where she put her address book. I always could remember things, and Bible verses were no different. People my age always complain, we blame it on cell phones and computers. We can't remember phone numbers or how to spell. We talk about how sad it is. We seem to leave out the fact that we have been getting, on average 4-5 hrs of sleep for the past five years or so, plus pregnancy brains are replaced by mommy brains, and now I see why my mom couldn't keep track of a silly little address book. Just this morning I told Lily something, of course I can't remember what it is at the moment, that she was to help me to remember to tell Sabine later, in case I forgot. Bad news is, I've already forgot, good news is, I know Lily still remembers. Maybe I should give her a piece of candy when she tells me, so I can keep this Pavlov's dog memory game going to get her through the hard subjects in High School.

Right now, I'm reading the book, "The Power of a Praying Parent". Sometimes in life, there's not much else that you can do, other than pray, and that applies to your children as well. Mine as small right now, so I get to keep them in a safety bubble, mostly. Except that I work, so they aren't always with me in my protective bubble, but even so, I consider Sabine's care an extension of my safety bubble. She cares for them and their safety as closely as I do. She is careful and diligent, and I consider them safe when they are with her, or me, or Lawrence. But with Lily going off to Kindergarten next year, and Addie starting preschool, my bubble has some impending holes lingering out there. And so all I can do is pray. That's a lot better than feeling helpless, or leaving it to "chance". I like this book because it gives me ways to specifically pray. It reminds me that we are not alone in our parenting and care taking of our children. God is with us, and with them. We can not be everywhere, but He can. How nice is that?

Today I realized that someone was (must have been!) praying for me when I was a kid. I don't know who you are, or where you are, but I'm almost certain of it. Maybe you are Annette Lathrop or maybe Lorretta Hoole, maybe you are Donna Bronson or Roslyn Clegg. Maybe an unknown neighbor or teacher. I don't know. But whoever you are, thank you. Your prayers were answered and God kept me safe. Sure, I got my bumps and bruises, but I came out of it all as a happy, healthy, and blessed adult. I look around me and I could weep at His faithfulness in blessing every area of my life. If a kid like me can grow up to be an adult like me, then my kids DO have a fighting chance. Yay for realizing that. Really.

I've decided that I'm going to start memorizing Bible verses again. One per week. One that I can use and reflect on, and rest in. One that I can repeat in my head to replace the worry and guilt and anxiety that likes to take up residence there. Something that will help me to breath when I feel like things are just too much. And who knows, maybe it will make my memory a little stronger too. I'll share it here too when I can, partially to be accountable, partially to be able to find it again when I need to (because like my mom, I now lose my little notebook - or it's always in the other diaper bag), partially to possibly share it with another mom/woman/person out there who could use a good Bible verse in their day. And who knows, once I get it memorized, maybe I'll treat myself to a piece of CANDY, you know, just for old time sake.


Here is the one I've chosen for this week:

I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. PSALM 4:8