I threw a fit

Yesterday, I got Addie down for her nap and I ran downstairs to tell Lawrence I was headed to the store to do some MUCH needed grocery shopping. I would have rather played quietly with Bryson, or taken a nap myself, but diapers weren't buying themselves and Bryson's baby food cupboard was bone dry. Lily sort of stomped a bit that she couldn't go with me, but Lawrence reminded her that she needed to go to quiet time, because we let her stay up super late the night before visiting with her friend who was staying with us and going to Rachel's birthday party. She didn't listen to him and continued to sulk and pout. It was noon and I'd been up since 5am with Bryson after going to bed too late, at midnight the night before.

As I was trying to explain to Lily that it wasn't up for discussion, (though I continued to heartily discuss it with her!) I just needed to run and get a few things, and I'd be back by the time her quiet time was over and then we could make the flash cards from school; she continued to make a huffy face. Just then, Bryson got his arm caught in the top of one of the girls' stools and started to scream hysterically. As I went to rescue his pudgy little bicep from the weight of the lid plus his other fatty hand pressing down on top of it, Lily would not take no for an answer. I hugged Bryson, and I yelled at her, "Lily, get up to quiet time, NOW!" in a mean nasty mama bear voice. She scampered away in tears, yelling, "I want to bring my flash cards!". "NO!" I shouted.

Bryson calmed down and I looked up at Lawrence who had eyebrows raised. I could tell by the look on his face that I'd overreacted a little. I knew I had, and I didn't appreciate the judgment. I said, "Do you think I handled that too harshly?". He shrugged and said, "All I know is that we were down here having fun...", "...until I CAME ALONG!', I snipped. I reminded him about how the day before I wanted to run Lily over to the birthday party and Addie was practically dragging behind me on my leg - even though she had a friend here with plans and fun of her own. She couldn't go with to the party drop off because she has a runny nose and they have a new baby. I went on to Lawrence's raised eyebrow and wide eyes, about how earlier, Addie was crying and banging outside the bathroom. "I can't even go to the bathroom without disappointing someone in this house" I shrieked dramatically. I was so frustrated, explaining that while I would prefer not to leave the house to do errands or go to work, I literally have to kick someone off my leg and back in to the house as I close the door behind me.

"Do you know how that makes me feel? Every single day?" I demanded in my best woe is me quiver. He said that I was right, in a tone that told me he didn't think so.

Still holding Bryson, I attempt to do a donkey kick behind myself to illistrate for Lawrence yesterday's getting out the door debacle, but I trip a little. This doesn't stop me, once I get my grips again, I kick back in a reattempt and hit the toybox HARD with my heel. I lose my balance again while pantomiming a door slam, and sort of spin around falling on to the couch on my back with Bryson on my chest. "JEEZ! Take it easy!" Lawrence exclaims. I stop (easy to do when you are flat on your back on the couch). Horrified. Humiliated. Then I start laughing hysterically. Partially because I've been ranting and donkey kicking and I'm embarrassed by my behavior. Partially because I think it's pretty freaking funny how worked up I've got, all because Lily wanted to go to the store with me. I laugh at how ridiculous I sounded, and the hysteria in my voice as I ranted to my husband's wrinkled forehead and slight smirk. Then I start to cry. I'm not ever sure why exactly, but I think more than a little bit because my heel hurt so bad and more than a little bit because I feel so bad for how I yelled at Lily, and more than a little because I'm so glad Bryson is safe with my failed kicking falling fiasco.

I take my time out and then I say sorry to Lily, bringing her flash card materials to quiet time. And then I head to the grocery store, totally and completely emotionally depleted.

It reminded me how easily I come to expect my little ones to keep their composure when they are over tired and frustrated with things and how easily I can lose my own. Sometimes to be a better parent you have to get a little closer to where your kiddos stand and imagine what it feels like to be them for a moment, how it feels to feel disappointed or over controlled about something.

And sometimes, you just need to throw a fit.

I did.

7 blogs in 7 days. Day 4 - Public Transportation and stuff

Today was a good day. First day for Lily to ride the bus. Addie was going to meet her teacher and see her classroom. The morning was filled with goodness and cuteness. Even though I had to take a sick day because Bryson was up all night with a fever. Getting to watch these two was the best...

7:30am

At the bus stop...Only a little excited
There goes my baby... Bye bye big sis...
Now it's time for Addie's trip to school... "Coo" as she calls it.

Cutie Patoot.
See my back pack, mama?
And later on that day...after Addie's going to school with mom...and lining up four hair bows in a rowAnd a few new friends...
it was almost time for sis to come home.
Is she here yet???
Watching and waiting...

It's taking too long, let's set up camp...
She's here, she's here. Let's go!

Addie was like a hyper little dog jumping over big dog...

And can you believe, we get to do this all again tomorrow? Oh, I hope this excitement sticks...

(Except let's take out the pediatrician visit and Bryson's fever...
He is fine by the way, no ear infection, no bladder infection, just a lil fever so also only a lil sleep, it's either a virus or teeth, so we wait and watch. TGIF tomorrow!)

7 blogs in 7 days. Day 3 - The first day...

Third day of blogging. Third day of blogging mostly about Lily. Guess this is just her week.

How could I possibly post any backlog blogs when my little girl started Kindergarten today? It almost feels cliche to say since people have been posting on FaceBook for a month about their little ones starting school and where did the summer go and can you believe I have a third grader, etc, etc. But today, it wasn't cliche because it was my baby. My first one. She started real school. The school she'll go to for the next 6 years. When she is finished here she will be 12 years old. TWELVE. Yeah, so I'm sentimental and I'm getting a little ahead of myself. But. Still.

Before we left the house she came to me, hugged me tight around the waist, put her chin on my belly button and looked up at me. I looked into her deep brown eyes, and I could remember those same eyes looking at me as a baby, as a toddler, as barely a little girl. Her face has changed through the years, but her eyes, they are exactly the same. I said, "Lily, how did we get here? I can't believe you are in Kindergarten. When you were a baby, I couldn't imagine this day would ever come!" She just smiled hard at me with her squinty smile eyes and her happy dimple.
To compare how she looked last year on her first day of school, you can see that post hereWe walked in together, even though she desperately wanted me to let her ride the bus today. I couldn't do it. I needed to see her get there. Be with her a few more minutes. "They don't let Kinders ride the bus to school on the first day." I lied. :)
She signed her name when she got there.

She hung up her back pack on her hook. She put on her name tag and she went off to play. She is the only Lily in the class, but there are two Emma's, two Claire's, and two Emily's. Wow. Not that I ever had any class/camp/etc. without more than a few Jenny's growing up, but 3x2 seems like a lot. The teacher has 24 students to keep track of.

The day was great. She liked "Criss Cross Applesauce, put your hands in the chocolate sauce" at circle time. She had a lot of fun, she made a great friend.

Over a year and a half ago I did an Interview with Lily. You can see the answers to that here. My friend Jenn told me about her mom interviewing her on the cassette recorder before her first day of Kindergarten. I thought, wouldn't that be a cute little first day of school tradition, for all the kids? Each year, see how their answers change. I re-read her first one. I was impressed by the difference in her as I read it. And the same-ness. Even before getting this years answers. I remember that her and it is amazing how different she is now. AND Wow did she love Addie. :) Now they fight a little more like sisters than what I'd like! :(

Sitting down before we started she said, "But I'm still in my jammies, is it just talking? Did you take those pictures of me tis morning? Mama? And you already got them on the computer? (meaning the pictures above)

So I was a little disappointed at how UNinteresting this year's interview was, but I'm still going to post it for record keeping sake. Stop reading now if you aren't a grandma! :) I'll try to write the dialect like she says things and also put my commentary in (parenthesis).

What's your name? Lily

How old are you? Five. N. A half.

What was special about today? having my first day of school
How did you get there? Mommy drove me
How did you get home? The school bus
What was the school bus like? It was very big, there were only six kids on it and it was so big. I sat next to my friend. I don't know her name. Tomorrow I'll come back and tell you that answer okay Mommy, it was either Emma or Emily. I'm pretty sure it was Emma.
What is your teachers name? huh. I don't know. I don't remember. Mrs O. That's it (we are going to call her Mrs. O for privacy sake this year.

What's your favorite color? Pink

What's your favorite book? B.O.B. books

What's your favorite song? All of them. Oh, "You got a friend in me" You know that song, mama? I like that one.
What's your favorite movie? Dora saves the snow princess
Television Show? Mickey Mouse
Who's your best friend? Rachel

Favorite Smell? Mandel bread smell
What's your favorite kind of candy? chocolate

Favorite Sound? I don't know. Is there any sound you can think of that you really like to hear? No. You just like things to be silent? Yeah silence (ha, yeah RIGHT kid!) Music, Talking, Laughing,?? Your sleep music? Yes! Sleep music! Mommy singing? YES!! Mommy singing. I like when mommy sings at bed time to me. (Ahh the power of suggestion)

What's your favorite instrument? Piano

Favorite thing to do at school? Everything.
What do you hope to learn this year at school? How to read. Anything else? No.
Don't you know how to read already? No (okay then-moving on)

What's your favorite game? Anywhere. What? The question was what game do you like? Like any game. Uno and Memory.

Favorite Food? Pancakes

Favorite thing to drink? Milk

What's your favorite animal? Monkey

What's your favorite thing to do? Scrapbook with Mommy (TRUE)
Outside? Play on the swing set
Front Yard? Chalk (what? even Addie piped up, 'what about widing bike Lilay?' I mean she does like chalk but not in the front yard)

Where's your favorite place to go? Safari Sams (honestly haven't been there in a year, too bad, you know since it's her favorite and all)

What's your favorite Toy? Penguin

What's your favorite thing about Addie? Nothing, I can't think of anything. (What a CHANGE from last year's answer!

Okay, What color are her eyes? Blue
Anything else about Addie that you want to share? nothing about that
What is your favorite thing about Bryson? For him to be my brother and for Addie to be your sister, (are you even listening to me, kid?)
Anything else about Bryson that you want to share? no. why did you say this will be pretty boring to daddy. (haha, oh you heard that?)

How old is Daddy? 37 (correct)

How old is Mommy? I don't know. Guess. 3298

What makes you happy? Did you write 3298 for real. No. No I don't want you to write 3298. What did you write? What makes you happy? When Uncle Matt comes to my house.

Favorite Thing About Addie? She's my sister

What do you want to be when you grow up? An ackerbat in Cirque du Soliel

What is your favorite word that Addie says: Whateva
What is your favorite word that Bryson says: Whateva, mama, he said whateva for the first time today today
What is your favorite word?I love you
What is your favorite time of day? Waking up and going to school
What is your favorite way to have your hair? my bangs grew out in a french braid
What is your favorite Holiday? 4th of July
Why? We get all the candy. No Halloween. Why? We get the candy. And it's out Birthday months
What other holiday do you like? I don't have another holiday
What happens in June? Flowers

Whose your favorite character? June (should have seen that coming!)

What is your favorite day of the week? Friday. No Friday, Saturday, Sunday

What's your favorite room in the house? The playroom

Do you want to be done? Is there anything more that I could do?

What's your favorite thing about daddy? (Addie - I yuv him) Lily - Cirque du Soliel.
(Addie - 'mommy - I want you to write me. Not Lily. Me!'; Me - I just did Addie.; Addie -'You Ony wote one sing, I want you to white five sings')

What's your favorite thing about mommy? When you get to play with me.

What do you do with your kisses when someone kisses you?I wipe them off and they go in my head to give to other people and they make more kisses.

Do you crack your knuckles? Yes. Why? I"m trying not to but I can't help it. (Grrr)

What was your favorite trip last year? Going to North Carolina. Going to Sunriver.

What do you like about Uncle Matt? He's my uncle and I really really love him and he is so fun.

What about Grandma Lanie? She's my grandma and I love going to her house and I love spending time with her.

What about Grandma Carol and Grandpa Steve? I like to spend to time. And I love all of the wonderful things they give us.

Who do you sleep with? Addie

Anyone else - like your "guys"? Penguin, Bear bear, I have to sleep with Addie's bear bear. the bean beans bunny. Did you write the bean bean bunny?

What's the capital of Oregon? Um I know it. It's where Washington. Is that right? No. Salem
What's Oregon State animal? (We stopped here, she doesn't know these anymore and Addie was getting IRATE that it wasn't her turn to do the interview. Lily wasn't really paying attention and then Addie locked us all in their room. Luckily I had the computer and Skyped Julia to let us out. The girls thought this was one of the funniest things that had ever happened. Bedtime for bonzo. Bryson has a bit of a fever so bedtime for me too. Praying it won't be a long not for him. G'night. Only day 2 of school tomorrow. And 2 more orientations for Addie's preschool. Oh dear, going back to school is not made for the workin' mama. Lucky for me I've got a super AuPair and a very nice boss! :)


Unasked:
What States do you know?
What is the capital of New Jersey?
What is the NJ state flower?
What is the OR state flower?

7 months down

Bryson is 7 months today. As usual, I'm shocked by the passage of time. IT TOOK FOREVER FOR LILY TO GET TO SEVEN MONTHS. Forever, I say.

In the last month, Bryson has really honed a lot of skills that were developing at his last month blog. He is sitting well on his own, he is crawling (army crawl) and doing lots getting up on his knees and rocking. He doesn't use rolling to get places as much anymore, it is pretty much all about the scoot. He's eating three meals a day and seems to prefer baby oatmeal to anything else. We usually mix it with a fruit in the morning and a veggie for lunch and dinner. He's drinking a bit of water out of a sippy cup, and also like sucking on the bottom of the sippy cup. He still would prefer not to be in the high chair unless he is impatiently eating. If I walk away to get more, he gets upset. So different from Lily and Addie would would sit in there during dinner preparation and after dinner for clean up. I've tried a few of those star puffs with him. About 3 at a time, he likes to grab at them with fury, but so far has only gotten one in his mouth a few times. Then he promptly spits it out like someone but poison in there. He's drinking milk 5x a day, 2 nursings and 3 bottles of 6-7 oz each. My milk supply is still holding up okay (yay! I can't believe it, I and for most days / weeks he's still getting only one bottle of soy formula per day. We are going to test him out with milk formula in a week or so to see if the milk sensitivity is gone or not. Fingers crossed.

Here is a video of sweet boy crawling:


At his 6 month check up which was about a week ago he weighed 20lbs 1oz. At Addie's 3 year check up a day later she was 25lbs. Needless to say he is not far behind her. She actually feels lighter than he does because she isn't such squirmy, slobbery, hair pulling, dead weight. He was 79% in weight. 75% in length. She is 3% in weight and 25% in height.

Still SO. MUCH. DROOL. 3-6 bibs a day, no joke. But no teeth, and now he's added snot...

He's had a little cold for about two weeks. I told him back in a few days ago for a slight wheezy sound in his chest and he is on an inhaler type medicine for a few days. He hates it, but that's good because he takes deep breaths when he cries and it lasts only 10 seconds that way. He's the best baby, even when feeling cruddy. He hates his nose to be wiped, and is spitting up a little more than usual because of so much mucus in his throat. But he is still smiley much of the time. And it hasn't affected his sleep at all. (Never said that before about a sick baby o mine!)

I hate to jinx it, but Bryson has been sleeping through the night consistently now since about 10 weeks old, without exception. Okay, with exception when camping or traveling, but that hardly counts. He still wakes for a dream feed around 10, but the last few nights, he wouldn't eat more than 3 oz and was hard to wake for that, so maybe he is almost done with those. (Addie has stopped sleeping through the night about 25% of the time!) He still listens to white noise while sleeping, and is settling down into 2 - 3 consistent naps a day. Usually at 9 and 1, then a cat nap in the late PM, like at 4. He wakes at the crack of dawn 5-6am, but I actually enjoy this wake up and getting some one on one time with him then. It's really the only alone time we get. He's wetting through his diaper at night so we've just invested in some overnight diapers, hoping that will help.

Life with this sweet boy is good, very good.

In other news, Sabine has been with our family for 11 months today! Wow, now that seems toooo fast.

Better get this posted and on to the next thing. Here is a "dog pic". For those of you who don't know, I got a picture of Addie next to this dog on the month, every month for the first year.
I've only remembered a few times for Bryson, This time, he didn't really cooperate...he'd rather wrestle with the dog than lie next to it being photographed. We even tried it twice...the pictures still made me chuckle...especially when his sisters joined in!

Today's negative nap

I'm sick with a cold. Today was one of those days that you are just PRAYING for a nap, from the second before you get out of bed you are thinking about when you can get back in bed. Sabine is in Hawaii, and I'm sick and exhausted. After lunch was eaten and Lily was off to school, it looked as if things might be aligning in kids schedule to allow for a nap. Meaning, Bryson and Addie *might* be asleep at the same time. But here's what happened:

12:30 walk in the door with Addie and Bryson. Get hands washed and go potty, hang up coats, put away shoes. Oh...and get Bryson out of his carseat.

12:45 put Addie down for her nap with Bryson, read a book, tuck her in, pray that it takes as I shut her door

12:50 return a call to my friend R. talk for a bit while Bryson plays and when he looks like he might be getting tired, I tell her I have to wrap it up, almost nap time.

1:20 Bryson is down
1:30 Call Lawrence to tell him I'm napping, don't call
1:32 I'm all tucked in with tissues and nodding off fast

1:44 Addie's door opens. It's been 59 minutes since I shut her door hoping for her normal 2 hr nap. I've been laying down for TWELVE MINUTES? That's worse than a NO nap, that's a negative nap. I'm more tired now then when I laid down! She wonders around the house calling for me, I put the covers over my head. She finds me anyway! :)

2:04 I'm back in bed, I've gotten her a drink and snack and taken her potty then put in a Clifford DVD for her. 3 episodes. That's one hour. I've put the chain lock on the front door just to be sure she doesn't try anything funny. I'm nodding off quick, not even feeling a little guilty.

2:10 I hear Bryson crying. His usual 45 minutes. SHIT! 6 minutes. Now I'm even more tired than the time before. I do not "do" power naps. I pull the blankets over my head. First I say a prayer that he will go back to sleep. God denies. Then I say a prayer that I will have the energy to deal with it. Again, no luck.

2:15 I'm back in bed with Bryson, after peaking on Addie ENTHRALLED with Big Red C. She's just starting episode 2 - if I can nurse Bryson to sleep (something I usually try to avoid), I have 40 minutes. I try to nurse him while we both lay down. We haven't done this for a while so he was confused at first and we both got a little milky. Then he did it. And we both fell asleep, milky and all.

2:45 Bryson wakes up LAUGHING. I'm startled. He is in his sleep but it is the cutest sound, even though I feel awful, I'm amused by his sleepy giggle. I muster a smile. It beats being woken up by crying. I look at the clock and am pleased with my 30 minutes of half asleep with my baby nursing nap. I'll take what I can get. Hey, takes care of a feeding too, one less thing. He ate the entire time. And it's time to get Lily anyway.

3:00 Go get Lils from school after making a monster cup of tea and gulping it down quickly. Followed by some V8 and Airbornne.

Sometimes when people say, sleep when the baby sleeps, but this is the reality, especially when you have more than one child. And when you aren't sick, there are lots of days when it's just not worth even trying. I've found that a cup of coffee and 24 minutes of shred, does much better for me that trying to catch a nap that will never be. It's a lot less frustrating too...

Speaking of, I DID shred today, even though I feel like crap. I didn't push hard and went through the motions. But I did it. So with that I must now collapse. Let's hope the night wakes me again with giggles and not cries. Is that asking for too much? :)

Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking...take six weeks

I started this post 2 weeks ago! I'm sitting here trying to make a to do list to feel a little less overwhelmed and a little more organized, but somehow getting a blog out makes me feel both of those things. For some reason it won't let me take this post off italics, so italics you get!

Bryson is six weeks today. It's a little hard to believe that somehow six weeks has passed. A few weeks ago I was thinking about the passing of time. It just keeps marching on. And while I was struggling with him through "colic" and being sick and all the reassurance I received from people were things like "this too shall pass" or "it'll be over by 3-4 months", I couldn't help but feel somewhat cheated. I'll be going back to work the week of March 22, and THIS is the time I have with him now. THIS is when I want to enjoy the time. I don't care so much about it getting "easier", because, HA, that's sort of a joke, considering there are days with Lily and Addie that I think, I can't believe they are still this much work.

I guess that's why I'm so shocked and grateful of the huge impact of the chiropractic treatment. And I'm so pleased/blessed/thankful. Because it really gave me back time with my baby and I feel like I was able to do something other than just wait it out. It isn't about me, HE is so much less miserable. And what mommy doesn't relish in seeing that!?

I'm still in somewhat of survival mode, and it seems like I should be operating at a higher level by now. I'm not napping every day (not by choice) but I'm not showering every day either, and often find myself still in my spit up covered pjs at lunch time with my teeth unbrushed. Last night Bryson had a really hard night, I'm not sure what that was about, but he couldn't get back to sleep after eating at 11pm, and was up and down until 4:30am when I put him in his own room, in his own crib. And then he slept for 2 hrs. He's in there now, and is taking his first real nap in his own bed. I need to get a child proof door knob for his room to keep Addie from marching and to wake him up and see what he is up to. She's a little stinker too, yelling, "WAY UP Bwyson!"

Physically, I feel pretty good, I'm still wearing mostly maternity sweats, umm, clothes for the most part because it's whats quick and comfy and in my drawers, but I did squeeze into a pair of non elastic waist jeans the other night for an outing. I'm planning to try to lose the weight using the 30 day shred. I've heard that this is GREAT for postpartum moms. But so far, I'm actually pretty pleased with my postpartum stomach. I remember feeling shocked by it's largeness after my last two pregnancies, so either I'm just more realistic this time about what to expect, or it is in fact a bit smaller, likely some combination of the 2. My goal is always to lose the weight by time the baby is nine months, but in reality I usually lose it closer to 2 years...who's counting. We have a family vacation planned in August and since that is close to 9 months and as good of time as any, I might shoot for that as my goal. I know that getting back in shape will give me more energy and strength and I care about that more than what size of jeans I'm fitting into. Wait, could that be age and maturity talking? naaaaaaahh.....

When I was on maternity leave with Addie I was so FUNCTIONAL by this point. I was joining mommy meet up groups, going for long walks in the park, enjoying days with Lily and Addie, and don't mind if I admit having days of feeling pretty supermomish. I'm pretty sure she was doing six or more stretches at night, so I was relatively rested. It was August, and in Portland that is just a FABULOUS time of year, spirits are high, and mine definitely were. I don't mind the gray skies or the rain, I still think it is really beautiful here year round, but it's certainly more work to get out to get fresh air because, frankly, it just doesn't feel that good. So fresh air and exercise is sometimes limited to the mad dash to the car as to not get wet.

All that being said, with Addie, I started having anxiety attacks around 8 weeks. I didn't recognize the cause at the time but it was my thinking (dreading) of going back to work. I even had my heart checked out, because it was pounding in my chest and I couldn't see that I was feeling anxious. I got to stay home for 16 weeks with Addie and this time I'll be going back with Bryson is three months old. More of my anxiety right now stems from the logistics of managing all the things and people in my life that I will need to manage. Right now things are pretty simple during my days. They are very tiring sleep deprived days, but they are simple. My full time job is feeding and caring for Bryson. Sabine takes care of the girls, and while I play with them and give them some love throughout the day, she keeps them fed and on their schedule and takes them on outings, does crafts, chauffeurs Lily to school 3 afternoons a week. I've got it pretty good. Bryson is my only job, and they idea of that changing hurts my brain. And my heart.

But I don't like to complain, I do not believe there is a full time working mom out there who has it as good as I do. I work at home 2 days a week, and have all the flexibility in the world from my childless, single, male boss to take care of things at home when needed. I sometimes wonder what he thinks about the quantities of illness and accidents and ear infections that two (soon to be three) children can acquire. Still, he always lets me do what I need to do as long as the work gets done, which it always does. He knows that I will always do what needs to be done to meet deadlines, etc. I do keep up my end of the bargain, and work many late nights after the family is in bed doing so. I'm in a position lots of working moms would love to be, and I always want to keep that in perspective.

I'm just saying, life IS simpler when I don't have to worry about accounting software, or balance sheets, or sales numbers, or tax deadlines, or vacation days, or account balances. So for now I'm going to relish in the fact that I have six more weeks just to be mom. And for the record, I really do like just being mom. And since I see both sides of the world, being "just" mom, is much much harder than having "time off" to go to the office and be with grown ups 3 days a week. Notice above I said simpler, not easier. Going to work is working, yes, but also peeing and lunching when you like. Having a few minutes of quiet to think when you like. Enjoying a hot cup of coffee without the worry of it scalding a something-month-old when you like. These are things you don't have but often desperately need when you are "just" mom. So I get those things a few days a week, and then I get to be mom more days a week and I get to contribute to supporting the family as we need. And it's crazy and hard, but so is any path you choose and once the boat settles this job and this company do give me some semblance of balance that we all are looking for.

PLEASE Just remind me of all that when I'm clinging to my door knob watching 3 crying faces out the window with my breast pump loaded on my back and tri-met tickets in my pocket and I'm screaming, "NO I DON'T WANT TO GO!!"

Lily and B having tummy time
Daddy with his 3 kids, early am style. I love how he doesn't look tired AT ALL!

B falling asleep in Jeanine's arms
More tummy time
Falling asleep during tummy time!

RSV

I've always heard that you really need to watch out for babies under 3 months getting RSV, which is why it is so important to keep them away from a cold. RSV can be life threatening, I remember knowing that.

And now, my five week old has it. I'm pissed. BUT IT IS NOT LIFE THREATENING FOR HIM RIGHT NOW. It just sucks.

He's going to be okay, his oxygen levels are 98% (with anything over 90 being normal). We got a breathing treatment at the dr's office to try to fix the wheezing, she aspirated him, getting out some mucus, etc.

He's gaining (11lbs 3oz) up almost 2 pounds in 2 weeks, he's hydrated (thanks to me pumping and bottling and then letting half of it drip down is neck day and night), and he doesn't have a fever.

But RSV! I've always known to make sure my babies don't get that. And now one has. And it'll last about another week as it runs it's course.

I'm thankful because he can and is eating, frustrating as it is for us both. He can sleep upright in the carseat, swing, bouncy, or in my arms, I can keep up my milk supply by pumping and letting him try to nurse when he can. I'm thankful because he will get better, and in a tired week this will hopefully be a blip on his "oh my when you were a baby" radar! I'm thankful that he has a healthy little full term body that can fight this virus, and he will be okay.

I'm thankful for the wonderful conversation I had this morning with my dear old friend about life, struggles, marriage, making it work, seeing the positive, appreciating the blessings, knowing how good you have it, donating organs, willing children, the wonder of non-lazy parenting, how hard it is, how great it is, failure not being an option and making it work again, getting a break, surviving loss, appreciating each other, why women rock, and how grateful we both are when we find a half hour of each others' busy lives to talk on the phone.

Thank you sweet friend for your complete understanding, I look up to you as a woman and a mother, and I'm so glad to call you my friend. A conversation with you is like a yummy drink of water for my tired soul, and I feel absolutely refreshed! (I wish you were more like a yummy cold drink of milk to go with my warm non dairy brownies - but the ice water will have to do!)

PS - Mission moving Bryson from swing to bouncy seat so I could get my first shower since THURSDAY (EWE!) was successful. I'm clean!

And now...about this RSV. YUCK! But as usual, we'll be okay. I just know it.

Mom's shouldn't be allowed to get sick

Or maybe I should title this...Don't Cry Over No Milk.

I felt it coming on for a few days, the sore throat and runny nose. But I ignored it, took my vitamins vigilantly and attempted to get enough rest. Both girls were sick all last week with a cough and a cold - so sleeping through the night was nonexistent. Thursday morning there was no denying it was here, and by Thursday afternoon I could barely make it to the evening. Friday I felt terrible. I HATE being sick.

So while working from home Friday, when I went downstairs during lunch time to find out what all the hub bub was about between Lily and Sabine, I found out that we were out of milk. And butter. And bread. Sabine didn't realize this before she made Lily her wish of Mac n Chz. So Addie was sitting there happily with her milk-free mac noodles and ketchup (gross I know but she LOVES it), and Lily was crying on the stairs being mean to Sabine that there was no milk. FINALLY after I reasoned with her (and figured out that the milk problem was about actual lunch and not just her wantign a glass of it to drink), she decided she would accept a PB&J instead...oh but there was no bread either. Crap. Crap. Crap Crap.

This should not have been a big deal. Lawrence was running to the store that afternoon to get some staples and dinner supplies for the week. My brother left that morning after staying for a night passing through to see the girls, so Lily was particularly sensitive, and really, to her, it was the end of the world that there was no milk. And every time she pulled it together, she would look at my with her big brown eyes welling with tears. "But Mama, why don't we have any milk? I really need some milk" voice cracking and falling apart.

If I were a rational person, I probably would have just run out (in my pjs with no bra and unbrushed teeth or hair nose dripping-hugely pregnant state) and got the milk, so life could have gone on. But instead, I sympathized with Lily, comforted her, and finally sent her to her room until she could pull it together because she could not stop whining about the milk situation - and I couldn't help her. As I dug in the fridge, I coulnd't find anything else for her to have for lunch either, and she needed to leave for school in a half hour. Sabine finally remembered that we had some of Addie's milk free bread, which at $4/loaf is normally off limits to the rest of the family, we made Lily a PB&J using that, and then I gave her my water bottle with Lemon Sustain powder in it as her special drink. All was okay.

I apologized to Sabine that there was no food in the house and went back upstairs to work.

But instead of working...I. Fell. Apart.

I cried and cried at what a failure of a mom I was that we didn't have enough food. I cried because the State of Oregon Unemployment department are assholes. I cried because hormones are raging through my body and even though it wasn't rational, I couldn't stop crying for hours. Was there enough money in the account for milk and bread and butter? Of course there was. Did that matter? Not to me. For some reason, not having enough food equaled complete failure and demise of the family. So not rational, but unless you have been broke and pregnant at the same time - you may not judge. Even after Lawrence got back from the store and the fridge was full again, I would start to cry again each time I thought of our state of milklessness that morning. I felt sorry for Sabine for getting such a terrible family to live with. One that would allow all the milk to be drank. I cried again. And again. Every time I thought about it. More tears.

My friend Carrie suggested maybe I skip Women of Faith, which I had a free ticket to that night. She thought I needed rest, and I didn't consider it because I knew I needed the "me" time to be uplifted and encouraged and drug out of my deep dark hole of not having milk in the house.

For the rest of the weekend my voice and head was so stuffed up, mostly because of the cold but the 4 straight hours of crying couldn't have helped. I went to WOF that night, but looked like I had been beaten up from all the tears and nose blowing. I went in a brown velour jogging suit/hoodie outfit, so I really dressed up for the occasion. It said to wear comfortable clothes on the website, and I was so numb from all the crying, I couldn't bare to put on a piece of clothing that restricted me in any way. Unfortunately there was a bomb threat and the Rose Garden was evacuated and shut down - before I even got in the door. I didn't really even mind, just a little disappointed and I was happy to get home early and up bright and early and go again on Saturday morning. The day was amazing. I was uplifted and encouraged. My mom was at our house with Lawrence, he and the girls had a WONDERFUL day everyone with great behavior. And while I drove home Saturday evening and I thought about "that time that I had fallen apart over milk" it seemed like a million years ago, not yesterday. I even smiled about it - back when I was so crazy and hormonal that I even cried about not having bread and butter! HA! That girl...(insert head shake and eye roll).

I have to be thankful for two of my friends who "got" me, Jeanine and Carrie. I know they both felt helpless and a little worried but they got me. And to my husband and my mother in law, who did not really get me, I'm thankful that they both helped me too. They were there for me, and they comforted me as best as they could, Lawrence - not sure why it even bothered me because he was going to the store in a minute? and my MIL not sure if we were really THAT broke - and could she send me money to buy milk? or what? How could I be helped?

Sometimes when the damn breaks and the flood gate of emotions come...you just have to go with it. You have to allow yourself to feel that something is the end of the world, even though it isn't. You have to look deep within yourself and understand why a silly little thing equals failure to you. And then you have to look back and smile and love yourself that you care so much about a silly little thing. And if you are really really lucky, you will smile and look back only a few days later. If the perfect storm is brewing in your emotional life, a good cry is the only thing that helps.

This weekend God reminded me that he doesn't love me because I'm perfect, he loves me because I'm me. He wants me to let go of these problems to show that He is bigger than anything I could ever worry about. He has plans for me that I can't begin to imagine, and He will not allow me to starve! In being reminded (again!) of His love, I looked at my life around me and saw how many other people love me with the same kind of love that God has for us. People who love me not in spite of my weaknesses - but because of them. Those are the people who model God's love for us here on earth. The people that are your safe place, who will not judge for your failings, no matter how silly or large they may be.

To the people who love me because I cry over no milk, I am thankful.

Oh Croup!

Got a text from Tamara at 3 today.

"Addie sounds a little croupy"

Ugh

I called her to define a little croupy. She got up from her nap wheezing and Tamara's her daughter had croup every month for a year, she was familiar with the early signs. Me too, and not wanting tonight to be the worst night ever, I called immediately for an appointment from work. They got her in at 4:40 and I called Lawrence to take her.

He schlepped to the dr and the pharmacy, for not only croup steriods, but antibiotics for her ear infection, and 4 EpiPens while he was there.

Despite her wheezy self, she was in great spirits when I got home. She moved her little chair in front of the TV with a cracker I gave her after dinner. She pointed to the TV cabinet and said "Elmo".
No Elmo tonight.

But don't worry kid, you can watch lots and lots of Elmo tomorrow while we're sick and tired and mamas working.

Lawrence boasted that the girls had perfect behavior and patience while waiting at the dr and the drugstore. Croup, croup, go away!

Addie's Allergy Test

Phew, now I'm a good mom again

This week started off a little rough when Lily announced that her ear hurt on Sunday afternoon. She's never been wrong about an ear infection since she could speak (or before that). Addie had a cold and had been sleeping like crap all last week/weekend. That meant no sleep for me for several nights. So I started off this week exhausted.

I was also a little worried about where my sweet, agreeable baby had gone, I thought maybe she was starting to hit the terrible twos a little early, or she was scarred from my working too much or something because she was a bear! She was clingy all weekend, not wanting to be put down, but even being cranky WHILE I was holding her. She wouldn't go to Lawrence and was furrowing her brow (a signature move when she is unsure) at everything. She started to throw tantrums on a dime and followed me around the house crying. I was having to SNEAK to the bathroom. She didn't want to have anything to do with daddy. Even at the store, she wouldn't give the strangers marveling at her even a grin.

So Monday morning when I was calling the pediatrician at 8am while changing (wrestling) a poopy diaper off of Addie, and Lily was attempting to put on 57 layers of clothes, and banging the drawers into my shins of Addie's changing table pulling 57 layers out for her...I hit my limit.

I lost it. I yelled at Addie. She cried. I yelled at Lily. She cried. I heard the meanness in my own voice and I didn't cry, but I wanted to. I love these girls to death, yet I was tired and stressed and angry and did I mention tired. How could I speak to them this way?

The pediatrician couldn't get us in until 11, so I called Tamara to come so I could work. She did and I got about 1.5 hours in before it was time to take them. Lily was testing me (and Tamara) like crazy, Addie was whining and clingy, I was mad at myself and felt like a zombie. Lawrence could sense that I wasn't doing too well, so he met me at the dr office during his lunch hour. He only stayed for about 30 minutes, but it was nice to have him for even a short while.

Lily did a perfect job for the dr, so Addie did too, she copied exactly what her sister did, including sitting on the big chair alone. Lily had an ear infection, Addie didn't. Lily's wasn't too bad, so we decided to wait it out without giving antibiotics at our drs suggestion, and it seems to have been the right thing, since it did get better on it's own. Though Lily told me today that she liked it when her ear hurts because she likes the taste of the tylenol. So we had a big talk about all the fun stuff that you DO get to feel and taste when you aren't sick.

We had another incidence that day of Lily's "testing" in the parking lot where she refused to hold my hand, and pulled away with cars all around, so I grabbed her wrist hard to get her the rest of the way to the car, practically dragging her as she screamed to all onlookers "Ouch you are hurting me". I got them in the car, then I yelled again. Right as we got home I remembered to tell her how much I liked the way she sat for the doctor and was a good example for her sister. Phew, now I'm a good mom again. Though I didn't really feel like it for the rest of the day.

I got to work at 1, stayed late, got home after bedtime, and had a much better day on Tuesday. Lily and I got along great, with lots of respect from both of us, and heaps and heaps of patience and kindness from me. Everyone sleeping through the night on Monday night didn't hurt. I also had a few answered prayers for strength and energy. AND my sweet sweet baby returned on Tuesday. She was back to her happy self, it was so funny what a 180 she did once she was feeling better. It was like a different kid. Like my good wonderful kid. Hooray!

Work has been busy since we let our employee go on Jan 30, but the stress level is so much lower. There is a lot of time sensitive work for me to do now that I am doing 2 jobs, but other than that, it was really the right decision to let her go. I've hired someone new, who is giving her current company 2 weeks notice, so she will be starting a week from Monday. 3 more days of working from home with all pressure on me. That's the hardest part of all this. Then I have training, but I have a feeling she will be really good. Today I was slammed but I did get 30 minutes on the elliptical in downstairs gym at work for a "lunch break". It felt good and reminded me that I need to take that time on my days in the office to do that, I came back ready to work, and feeling energized.

I have some other news about an Au Pair search that we are looking into...as well as the good funny stuff the kids say, and a few worries about money, but for tonight, I'm tired and need to sleep. I've been getting to bed to late and I'm looking rather weathered this week. Lawrence doesn't seem to notice. Tomorrow is Friday, and the weekend is welcomed with open arms. I'm feeling positive and good about life. Which is probably why I didn't feel like blogging earlier in the week.

Please keep our niece Cassidy in your prayers, she has to get surgery to have one of the tubes taken out of her ears as well as her adenoids removed. The surgery is Friday 2/13 (almost today).