Two apples

Getting out of the house on a Monday morning is no small feat.  Addie left mad at the world because I somehow lost her jog-a-thon envelope that I have never even seen.  Bryson wanted me to read him a lego magazine comic, but of course I didn't have time for that, so he slinked away and said, "That's okay, I'll just look at the pictures for now".  I let him watch Curious George to ease the guilt, just a little.  I could have had time, I thought, if I didn't need to eat, and wipe the counters, and make some coffee.  All in all, we got out of the house by 8:15 after I ransacked three cupboards through piles of papers tucked away during house showing with no sign of that damn jog-a-thon envelope and got Bryson to school by 8:25.  Beds made, laundry in hampers, cushions smoothed, hair cleaned off bathroom surfaces, sinks cleaned, toilets doubled checked for flushing, all just in case someone wants to look at our house to maybe buy it today. 

I got to school and Bryson's teacher asked me if we brought in two apples.  We did not.  Nor was it on my radar.  I asked her if I could bring them in on Wednesdays, she said that by Wednesday they'd be made into applesauce, today was for cutting them up and tasting.  She said I could bring them in after school when I picked him up.  But after school he goes to daycare, and I get home at 6pm at the earliest.  I left and thought about how I could get those apples to her after school.  Call our nanny, call another mom from the class? I ransacked my brain, trying to think if I knew about this at some point or not.  I could imagine a cartoony calendar, one from a month ago. Where was that thing now?  How could I let this happen.  I beat myself up most of the way home to get the apples. 

It's not the end of the world, you know.  

My friend is mourning the loss of her father
My friend is watching three of her kids thrive in health, and one in multiple therapies to regain mobility
My friend is worried that her marriage is hopeless
My friend is trying to understand her son's debilitating anxiety.
My friend is a newly single mother, worried that she cannot do it alone
My friend is pushing through the pain of her foster children.
My friend was in a car accident
My friend is worried about her mom's chemo treatments
My friend is struggling as she watches her daughter not recover well from surgery

I forgot the apples.
I had time to go home and get some and drop them off.
I still got to work on time.
I emailed the jog-a-thon team, new form will go home tomorrow.  
What is my problem then? 

My life with it's little blips each day is okay.  It's better than okay.  Today, I don't have any of those worries that I listed above and people I love have those, and that is a blessing.  Bigger than a blessing.  My day will come with some life shattering worries, I'm sure of it, but today was not that day, and if I pretend that it is, then I am a liar and a thief of my own time and joy.  

I will not let the liar into my head who tells me I am a failure because I forgot to bring some fruit to preschool.  Or that a mad kid over a lost fundraiser form determines my worth.  That my struggles are big or real, in the way that they have the power to take away my victories.  I will not let two bad apples rot away the tree full of good apples.  

I have to proactively work at this thinking.  We all do.  For some reason, it doesn't come naturally, not unless you practice it.  To wake up each day and remember to listen for the Voice of Truth over the lies of the busy and condescending world.  Each day starts anew, you have to remember again and again and again, until you are weary wondering how many times you have to learn the same lesson.  But then, there isn't a better feeling than feeling perceived failure pushing you down, sinking lower…only to remember the brightness of the good truth, and to feel your heart raising up, the fog lifting, the truth about who you are and what matters carrying you high.  

So today started with a feeling of defeat, but then, then I remembered.  

And now my heart soars with gratitude.  

summer of 2014 and the run on story of ours

The summer is coming to an end.  In fact, I sit here on Friday at 5pm, Labor Day weekend in front of me, and I cannot believe 1. The summer is over and 2. All of the awesome stuff we got to do this summer.  

June: 
We finished up baseball season and the school year on June 13th, it was both girls first year in Softball and that kept us VERY busy.  Lily had a great coach who gushed on and on about each kid, including mine at her team party, leaving me feeling so grateful for coaches and this one in particular.  A wiffle ball game of parents vs kids ended with LOTS of super fun laughs and some really good new friends.  On the first weekend after school we celebrated Father's Day, and then the kids and I headed out of town  to visit my college roommate in Spokane.  We went to Riverfront park and Silverwood amusement park, but perhaps the biggest highlight for me was just spending a week with my kiddos together with Robin spending a week with her kiddos, doing life together for a few days.  As soon as we arrived home, ran in the twilight run (girls got 1st and 2nd in their age group for the 5K), then bright and early went to the airport the next morning because Grandma & Grandpa Herman and cousin Tyler came for 2 weeks!  Bryson went to a VBS camp the first week, and the kids had an amazing time together. They went to Multnomah Falls, OMSI, berry picking, and to lots of parks in there area.  We did our best to show Tyler a fun Oregon summer experience. Addie had her "tag" Hot Wheels birthday party with some school friends and their families at Cook Park.  We got to celebrate Addie's 7th birthday together before they flew home on the red eye.  

July: 
We spend fourth of July weekend at home for the first time in years, watched fireworks at THS and went to a local small town parade.  It was fun, but nothing compared to Shake the Lake, we definitely don't want to miss the 4th at Wallowa Lake again anytime soon.  We received news of a great opportunity and made the decision to put our house on the market because a friend is selling her house in a location that would be perfect for us, she's giving us first dibs.  We did some minor stuff in the yard and around the house to get ready to go on the market, and then headed to the Blue Mountains for the Blanchet family reunion at Red Bridge state park.  The weather was perfect this year and the kids had so much fun with their cousins.  They have developed a super close relationship with my cousin Grace's boys, Colton and Caleb, and they were inseparable all weekend.  Camping keeps getting to be more fun as the kids get older.  It's still a lot of work, but nothing like it has been for the past 9 years! Four of the Herman's headed home, and Lily went to Joseph for two weeks with my mom.  Addie and Bryson had VBS camp while Lily went to Chief Joseph Summer Camp and spent a bunch of time with my friends and their kids.  I loved it for her!  I loved it for me, I went to CJSS when I was a kid and have great memories there, it was so nice to see Lily get a slice of memories of Joseph in the summer.  We had one weekend at home, while our house went on the market, so we stayed out quite a bit.  We went to see Planes 2, had a BBQ with the Ornelas Family, and rode bikes at Summerlake Park.  On Tuesday night we packed up to drive to Joseph.  This would be our kids first time at Chief Joseph Days, and of course we could not WAIT to see Lily.  As soon as we pulled up at about 11pm, she dove into the car to hug us all.  Reunited and it feels so good! 
We went to the Rodeo, played at the lake, the kids were in the Kiddie Parade (got second place as Cat in the Hat and Things 1-2 come to CJD), we had my 20 year HS reunion at Vali's, watched the grand parade, had my 20 year HS reunion at the Joseph City Park with families, and more fun at the Lake.  We drove home on Sunday tired and happy.  No rest though, the girls started soccer camp first thing on Monday morning! 

August: 
The first weekend of August Lawrence got a job offer (he had been looking since May for something with more opportunity), and this was a VERY happy way to kick off the month.  We stayed home that weekend and IT WAS SO NICE to have a weekend at home. We found time for a BBQ with our friends the Smith's, which we had been trying to schedule since school got out.  We shopped for Bryson's wedding outfit and a few school clothes, then we went to the Tualatin Crawfish festival and ran into some new good friends on accident, which was awesome.  Then Addie and Lawrence got to go to the Thorns (Portland's professional women's soccer) game, after I got my first church going in all summer!  The kids had 4 straight days of swim lessons from my friend Kim, and it did wonders for each of them.  Addie gained so much confidence and they were all putting their face in the water effortlessly (something that has been a challenge).  Enough of this relaxing stuff, Lawrence had his last day of work on August 8, took off half day, and we were off to go camping.  We were supposed to go camping with the Ornelas Family at RAAB campground, but they had a family medical emergency, so at the last minute we changed plans and went to Swift Forest campground in Washington near Mt. St. Helens with our newish friends the Schlichting Family (they have kids Addie and Bryson's ages and she was my postpartum nurse with Bryson!).  Lawrence borrowed kayaks from a friend and we LOVED this campground and the lake, it was so nice.  Lily paddle boarded on a piece of wood for a long time, it was so much fun.  Bryson and their little boy Paul got to be good friends and they just had so much fun.  On Sunday we packed up and stopped in Hood River to pick up a few forgotten items (somehow we messed up on packing for this long trip) and we got lunch at the Brewery there and then headed over Mount Hood to Central Oregon and Lake Billy Chinook at Cove Palisades State park.  It was so incredible.  The weather wasn't great, too hot, too rainy, too much lightning, but somehow we just had the time of our lives.  We met new friends at the campground across from us, and the dad was from New Jersey, so instant connection, we had a great time with them.  Wednesday we headed back to Portland so we could pick up Julia from Germany at the airport. What a beautiful reunion it was.  Time for another quick and long overdue BBQ with the Jordan family (Addie's BFF).  No rest though because it was time to head down to Mount Angel for the weekend for NannyJenny and Tim's wedding!  #burtonhanneganwedding  The girls were both flower girls and Bryson was the ring bearer and they all looked adorable and did great.  The wedding was at Vanderbeck Valley Farms and the location was to die for.  Really amazing amenities but not so fancy pants, really comfortable and great.  Jenny and Tim looked incredible and happy, such a beautiful bride and all of their wedding party were also fun and great to be around.  We all danced and sweated our pants off and it was a fun family night for all.  The next day was our anniversary and we celebrated by back to school shopping and watching the Glockenspiel.  Monday, Lawrence started a new job, and that week we juggled cars, and got used to him working 2 + hrs later than he ever has, which was an adjustment for us all, and our dinnertime/sports schedules! We all found time for the ALS challenge, and donated to alsa.org after dumping big buckets of ice water on our 5 heads.  The next weekend it was time for Hood to Coast.  Thursday night we met our team and decorated our vans, and then Friday, time to run.  More stressful packing, but once we got on the road to pick up the rest of our group, all was well.  I was proud of how everyone on our team ran, including myself.  I was nervous and wasn't sure how I would do.  My longest training run was 5 miles, and my shortest of the three legs was 4.55 miles.  But I did it.  I ran at sunset, I ran in the dark, I ran 6.24 miles, then 4.55 miles, then 5.24 miles.  I supported my team, I had no sleep, I had fun doing it all with my husband.  We stayed one extra night at the beach, sort of to celebrate our 12 year anniversary the week before.  We came home to another week of work, swim lessons, and BACK TO SCHOOL night.  Labor day weekend was super relaxed, we had pancakes for dinner as a request for by Julia for her last night, an EARLY morning goodbye on Saturday, then a day of family fun.  Lawr and I went to a tailgate party hosted by friends of ours that was sold at the PSO auction to benefit the school and it was so nice getting to know/reconnecting with a bunch of parents who have kids in both our girls classes.  Josh and Shawna took our kiddos for the night and we enjoyed our first night alone at our house since the night before Addie was born!  We returned the favor and had a fun Sunday with our kids + the Powers kids at Alpenrose.  Monday we had some house showings and went to "no playground park".  You know, since there was no soccer practice on Labor day, might as well go play some soccer.  

One more ice cream sandwich and backyard water fight and we were showered and in bed.  

Back to school tomorrow.  

What was your favorite part of summer?  Everything!     

Bus weirdness and growing up

Addie didn't want to ride the bus this morning, Lily did.  I said that it was fine for Lily to ride the bus and I could drive Addie to school.  Lily would NOT accept this, she NEEDED Addie to ride the bus too.  Finally, FINALLY I got the reason Lily wanted Addie on the bus.  It was for me walking the girls to the bus stop, standing and waiting, I told her I'd still walk down with her before driving Addie, but she needed her friends to think I only come down for Addie and not there for her.

Awww...

stream of consciousness about a boy

he sits there.  in his pjs.  his bare feet are still plump with baby fat, and half a leg showing from the pant leg pushed up.  he looks intently at each page as his dad reads him amelia bedelia.  his curious face is almost too much for me to look at i love it so much.  the way he studies each page and picture and knows if the wrong word is read, i look at him in disbelief.  disbelief that he is mine.  disbelief that he is this old.  disbelief that i don't take more time to marvel at him.  look at him.  look at him.  i shake my head.


we go upstairs to brush his teeth.  he is a ballet dancer on the bottom as he prances up the stairs.  he is spiderman on the top as he slings his web.  every single thing we pass catches his attention, he wants this walk to the bathroom to last forever. he sucks the toothpaste off the brush and then hands it to me to rinse.  i squeeze his jaw and brush all four pockets haphazardly.  his lips pucker cutely and his bright clear blue eyes dance as he looks inquisitively into my own.  i don't care if his teeth are as clean as his sister's were five years earlier.  good enough.  he'll live.  i tell him to go potty and then shake my head at the way he expertly lifts the toliet seat 45 degrees to pee under it, pants barely down, shirt pulled up, back arched.  a year ago i couldn't get him to do this even with my best song and dance, now look at him, a pro.  he forgets to flush.  and wash his hands.  i shrug and we walk to his room slowly.  he's not ready for bed he tells me.  i wish i felt the same.  

he studies his cd collection to decide which audio story to listen to to fall asleep after i leave the room.  he can't decide.  i am equal amounts amused and impatient as i watch him sift through a stack of cds in his basket.  he says he wants to listen to author and friends collection volume one.  i laugh that he refers to it's name in it's entirety.  he wants to listen to francine believe it er not.  he keeps saying francine believe it or not but he mushed the word all together like believeiter not.  this cracks me up.  he can't find francine believeiter not cd because i have taken it back to the library already but he remembers that his dad put it on his ipod for him already.  he gets his little green square full of stories and puts his headphones on.  he asks me to stay for a while while he listens and i do.

i sit on the floor next to his toddler bed.  he tells me the dark is scary and can i leave the hall light on.  i wonder how much longer he will have a small bed.  i wonder how much a twin mattress is.  i wonder if that's the reason we haven't moved him into the twin bed frame in his closet or if it's because this is the last toddler bed and i'm not ready.

his breath gets heavy like a wide awake snore.  he listens and looks at the the ceiling, paying close attention to the words coming out of his headphones.  i love him so much i can't stop staring.  i wonder how much longer i have to stay.  i want to get out of my work clothes, get the girls to sleep, and become one with the couch and my book. i think he must almost be asleep despite the light being on, i see his eyelids are heavy.  he sits up, pauses his green square, takes off his headphones, and looks at me to tell me about francine believeiter not.  francine is acting very strange.  he lays down get the headphones on, pushes play, gets settled.  twenty seconds later again.  he tells me that francine won't let the other kids play street hockey, she just makes them guard the goal.  again settled.  i can't get over how he keeps getting totally out of sorts and sat up and unheadphoned, just to give me the goods on his story.

i keep my hand on his heavy loud chest as he listens and breaths and dozes.  i run my hand across the fleece mickey blanket.  i see his snuggled monk monk in the crook of his neck.  i'm glad he hasn't noticed than he is missing one.  i wonder if i should go get it now, or wait for him to notice, or maybe he won't notice.  wouldn't that be nice if he doesn't notice? i'll get it later if he notices.  one hand on his chest the other in his little hand i kneel beside him and marvel at him.  t think about how i need to write it down.  how i keep missing stuff and not writing it down.  how i keep missing stuff.  how i keep forgetting to notice the details in the tired and in the piles and in the lists.  there is always so much to do and so many who need me.  the noticing, it takes backseat.  but the time flies.

today i wrote it down.  i memorized his long eyelashes.  i remember the feel of his chubby foot in lego pajamas.  the dimples on his knuckles.  today i took the time.  today.

i love this son of mine.  four years. two months, one week, and five days.  the me of the future will appreciate the me of today for not rushing past this oh too short night together and taking the energy to be with my boy and memorize the details in the beautifully mundane.

before i go to bed, one more look in at him.  i have to go get my camera for one quick click.

i don't want to leave the room.  i just can't get enough.

Mean girls

This has been a really rough week for me.  I know I haven't blogged for a while.  It may feel like I'm talking from the middle, and that's okay, this if for me.  

Much of this week, in those few precious hours I have with my kids before work and before I tuck them in for bed, the kids, the girls especially, have been…mean...to me.  Mean because they over slept, mean because I hurried them to get their shoes on, mean because one sibling took up time that they wanted from me, mean because I said no to another piece of chocolate, mean because I asked them to stop being mean.  

I'm worn.  I feel particularly disheartened because maybe for the first time, I feel like can't reason with them, like they don't care.  They've always cared before.  

These big-hearted loves of mine, they are growing up, and I race ahead wondering what will ever happen to me and my tender heart when they are teenagers.  When their mean is not because they don't want to go to bed, or in an argument over movie night, but it is meanness over stuff that matters and stuff that lasts?  

Am I screwing it all up?  Today I looked at Addie as she screamed at me in anger.  I think it was an emotional issue not a discipline issue.  I did discipline, but it didn't feel right.  I was calm on the outside but raging inside, I had to fight hard for the calm.  Her yelling and raging lasted for so long, I kind of fell apart on the inside, while I told her I loved her and I would help her with whatever it was that was upsetting if she just stopped screaming at me.  Eventually she did, and while she had a nice evening, I couldn't help but wonder if I did it all wrong, letting her have movie night anyway, and sleep in the playroom with her sister.  Finally at bedtime, while getting the playroom sleepover setup, when Addie was sweet and kind and loving, Lily was short and rude and exasperated with me for the third night in a row, mad that I was setting up the bedding wrong.  She sighs heavily and cliches the muscles in her neck and shoulders and shakes looking at me with big eyes like she just can't take me and my annoying blanket folding ideas for one more moment.  While I prayed with her for the first night in 3, I cried because we are hurting each other and we don't know why and we aren't even really sure how to stop.  

Lily cried too.  

Much better at expressing herself than her sister who just whimpers and whines, Lily said that she has felt like she wanted to mean lately and she doesn't know why.  She admitted that it's not just me, she really has been acting mean, and she wants to stop.  She will try to do better tomorrow.  

So will I.  

Tonight though, I sit here sad, and exhausted, emotionally very tired.  And yet ever hopeful and thankful that tomorrow is a new day, that I can live in that day, not race ahead to borrow worries of a day ahead that could be harder than this.  

Be Bold, and Beautiful, and Humble, and Healthy

I'm sitting at my desk.  The last business day of the year.  Accounting hell, normally.  But today was slow and steady and nearly done by 3:30.  Before I rush out the door to the busy that awaits me at home, the busy that does not expect me until 6pm, I decided to pause.  

I lingered through my Facebook feed during lunch today and so many posts about out with the old in with the new.  We all look forward to tearing off the page and looking at the hopeful blank canvas of the new one.  

The last few years, I chose a little motto and said it in my head when things got cloudy, out of focus.  

I am overwhelmed with the swirling thoughts of all I can do with my own blank canvas.  And when I become overwhelmed, I go back to things I've said to myself in years past, things that get me to good.  

Never wear your blessings like burdens
Do not let perfect be the enemy of good
Be where you are

Reminders that the things that haunt me are really of such little importance when I line them up against a simple sentence.  I find myself longing for another simple sentence to add to the list of wisdom.  

I saw some things that worked well for me this year

Bible Study
Early Rising 
Eating Well
Simplifying
Writing
Saving  
Running
Setting Goals
Creating 
Nature
Documenting
Connecting
Giving
Seek Beauty
Serve

You might read those words and thing they look like a pile of cliches, things people commit to doing, but to me, I see a loving list of works that make my heart sing, so I know they are MY things.  Hard things that I can do.  Things that will give me joy

Things I want to leave behind

Fear
Worry
Perfection
Waste

I want to pay attention to what is ruling me.

I want to be bold, and beautiful, and humble, and healthy.  I know what those words mean to me.

The stillness of this moment washes over me, and I am reminded beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am loved and blessed and cared for.  When moments are frenzied, if I can remember to be bold, and beautiful, and humble, and healthy, I can love better, both myself and my others.  

Thank you for beautiful lessons 2013, thank you for a beautiful life.  Joy awaits, I only need to be still and know.  My heart is open and ready for all the good as I turn my page and look at my blank canvas.    

It's been crazy...

I think about this blog 2-3 times a week.  I haven't blogged since school started and it's Christmas break, and just because I don't write them down…I still think them up.  Then they are gone and it makes me sad that I don't find/make/have the time.  

I hear myself say to my friends, to the ones who work, to the ones who don't, heck, I even say it to myself.  "This has been a crazy week!"  This week school started.  This week soccer started.  This week Bryson started preschool.  This week is my first week without a nanny in 6 years.  This week we have the warrior dash.  This week I'm getting ready to go on vacation.  This week I'm recovering from vacation.  This week is quarterly close.  This week is Lily's slumber party.  This week I'm volunteering at school.  This week I'm recovering from being gone volunteering at school.  This week I'm in charge of mapping our old 401(k) plan to our new 401(k) plan, balance by balance, fund by fund, ticker symbol by ticker symbol.  This week I have school conferences. This week is Halloween.  This week I go to Seattle for Women of Faith.  This week is my birthday.  This week the sister of my best childhood fried died.  This week the kids have 3 days off school.  This week is family pictures rescheduled  and I need to pick out outfits, and convince my family that we are taking family pictures and they better enjoy it, or at least look like they are enjoying it.  This week I have auditors.  This week I was so very thankful for this life.  This week I need to find a costume for TV Bunco.  This week we get to watch the Griz / Cat game.  This week is Thanksgiving.  This week my co-worker and one of my staff are out.  This week is my week to volunteer at school.  This week I was sick all week.  This week I was sick again.  This week Lily had a science fair.  This week my baby boy turns 4.  

Those have been my weeks for the past 3+ months.  

It's been crazy.  

Every single week, every single day, life is crazy.  And I hate hearing myself even say that.  I think I might have been saying it for the past, oh, 5 years, maybe longer.  

I am forever living in a state of apology and I hate it.  I'm also living and looking for an escape.  Like if I could just get through this one hard time life would be easy again.  Life would be balanced and I would be able to catch all the balls in the air.  

ha.  HA!

I've been putting a pen to paper and recording the things I am thankful for.  What started with picking up a book that was recommended to me and with 30 days of Facebook thanks, it's changing for my heart.  

Be where you are.  That was the motto for this year, and I have not been very successful.  I can't shut down the endless ways that the crazy in my life.  

And this has been a relatively uneventful year.  

I'm sorry, and I'm grateful, and I'm tired, and I stay up too late, and I go on FaceBook to often, and I'm constantly striving, and I beat myself up far too often, and I'm a grumpy distracted mom, and I'm thankful, and I'm so very love, and I talk to God and He reminds me that I am covered under Grace, that nothing I could do could make him love me any more or less than He already does.  And all is well again in the world.  

And then the next hour starts.  

And it's crazy again.  

And I remind myself that life is full.  

Abundantly full.  

Now I hit post rather than go back and edit myself.  Raw, true, honest.  Recorded.  

Loads of back-to-school blessings

First things first.  After being pee-trained since April! Bryson started pooping on the potty on a consistent basis.  So after 8 years, 10 months, and weeks....I am finally DONE changing poopy diapers, once and for all (I hope!)!  Also, Uncle Matt can finally babysit all three of my kids at once without Heather, now that the possibility of poo is not in the mix.  Ha.

We saw our first movie in the theatre as a family of five!  Also Bryson and Lily's first movie in the theatre.  It was a great last day of summer!  

Remember how Lily didn't want to hold my hand at the Ice Cream Social?  Ouch.  Well on the first day of school, I took the day off work, and I walked them to their classrooms, and she held my hand most of the way.  She was a little bit weird when I dropped her off at her classroom, because we'd been in Addie's class too long, so I took a snap and bolted.  But after school, she held my hand the whole way to the car, and from the car to stores to look for a new dress and from the car to Red Robin to get root beer and recap the day.  The real blessing here was not that she held my hand, but that I paid attention.  I felt her hand in my heart, I savored it, I was grateful for as much time as she would let me hold.  My heart was so happy.  

In Addie's soccer game last Saturday she scored 5 goals.  She was awesome.  Or should I say Osum? She was also a little cocky confident, I heard that after her third goal she was holding up three fingers back down the field.  

Lawrence and I did the Warrior Dash together.  I was awesome.  I'm only sort of kidding, I really impressed myself.  After planning to sort of dial it in and skip obstacles I didn't want to do, I got going and pushed hard.  We ran the whole race together and I did every obstacle.  One I needed a little boost from Lawrence and one I fell off of.  But I did it, and it was a great time.

Lily set a goal for herself to read 75 books over the summer, she did that and more.  Now she has read up all the box car children books that I got at the library and is ready for number 30-40 to be reserved at the library.  I LOVE the teacher she got this year.

My company had a "summer party" on the second day of school.  That was not the blessing part.  It was at OMSI and while we didn't spend a whole lot of time connecting with work people it was a really fun family night.  Since I work downtown, Lawrence met me there with the kids.  As Lily and I were leaving, I looked across at our city.  It was so beautiful in the setting sun.  I made my girl go stand in front of the skyline to add to the beauty.

Actually I will make that it's own blessing.  I LOVE all the kid's teachers this year.  Teachers are so awesome.

This was our first week with no nanny.  I have had someone in my house, taking care of my kids, at least on a part time basis, since Addie was born.  This week went great.  Lawrence went in early and I was on my own.  I got up early, everyone got up and ready with happy hearts and on time.  I even left that house cleanish.  Did you hear that?  Happy. Hearts. And. On. Time.  Mamas of three know what a miracle this is.

On Monday, we pulled up to Bryson's new 2 day a week childcare provider, let's call her "SuperSitter". She helped us out earlier in the year when our nanny had her surgery.  Bryson announced as we pulled up, "I LOVE SuperSitter's house!!"  I LOVED hearing that.  And I already told you yesterday how well he did at Preschool.  This kid is loving that he isn't getting left at home anymore, he has places to be, things to do! Blessing!

I survived a grueling two day New York Sales Tax Audit this week.  Not a blessing per se, but I work with some great ladies who helped me pull FOUR HUNDRED AND THIRTY additional records from the last 4 years that the auditor requested last minute. It was not pretty, but...It's done!

A few days ago, Addie was excited to tell me that she played football at recess with her best friend C who isn't in her class this year.  The next day I asked her if she played football with the boys again, she said, 'They don't really pass to me, I just run all around and stuff".  Awesome.

In other news, Addie and Bryson both have their first recess this year, it is pretty much the best thing for each of them.  

The week before school started Addie had her oral challenge to test for Peanuts after having 2 negative skin tests and 2 negative blood tests, after 5 years of her allergy getting worse and worse, it is gone!  We had an ice cream party to celebrate, with lots of peanut toppings!

I have been a little off this week, as I mentioned yesterday.  I've been making things work, getting there on time, being proud of the little things, but jeez at the end of the day, I am spent.  Lawrence has been making up the difference.  Yesterday he coached Lily's soccer team of 10 girls alone with Bryson on the side lines (good friends who are parents of the other kids on the team - BLESSING!).  He has just been in a great mood.  I don't love it when one of us is feeling slumpy, but I love the way we work together as a team.  

Having Lawrence on my team, might not be the one I give them most attention to, but it's also my biggest blessing of all.  

The Rawness of Back to School

All the back to school busyness has left me kind of raw.  Very raw actually.  I’ve been thinking about it a lot, trying to figure out why.  Is this year different?  Is it because my baby is in preschool now, and Addie in full day?  Is it because we no longer have our nanny?

There is certainly the fact that my babies are getting bigger.  That’s great.  And hard.  And sad.  And awesome.  And fleeting.  But that alone is not at the heart the rawness that I feel.

Third grade.  Lily is a 3^rd grader.  That’s part of it.  Man, kids were mean to me in third grade.  As an adult, a successful, well-adjusted adult, I have had multiple people come to me as adults to apologize for how they treated me as a kid.  I’ve always brushed it off as ‘kids are mean’, as that is what we said before bullying was a district-wide curriculum word.  But just the other day, I was thinking about this rawness.  And third grade was rough, they were mean.  Mean, mean.  The fact that adult men and women, who have lived 25+ years of life since that time still feel so sick and guilty inside for the way they treated me, the fact that they contact me on Facebook to apologize…well that’s how mean.   So, it’s okay if I have a little bit of scarring when I think about sending my kid off to grade 3. Don’t get me wrong.  I had friends, I didn’t walk around school with my head held low, my mama loved me like nobody’s business, I was the best big sister on the block, I was too smart for my own good…I didn’t let it ruin me.  But when my little girl walks out the door to third grade…it hurts.  The little Jenny inside of me feels afraid for how third grade feels.  The mama in me knows that she is different and wonderful, and the kids she hangs out with are different and wonderful.  But still, I’m scared.  Because kids are still mean.   

The next thing I’m noticing about back-to-school is the constant state of comparison I have going in my own head.  The tireless what if…what if I was that kind of mama?  what if I didn’t have to worry about this or that?  what if my kid didn’t have to ride the bus?  what if I volunteered more?  what if I got to work earlier?  what if we had less toys.  Seriously.  I’m reading blogs about it, validating blogs, articles about how we are all doing okay.  Things we all should read.  Your okay and my okay don’t look the same and that’s okay.  How liberating.  But why do I feel the need to read another mom’s articulation of what’s okay for her to make sure I’m doing alright?   I am an advocate of other moms and of myself.  I never want to be in any discussion that reeks of mom vs mom.  My ways barely work for me, so I certainly won’t push them on anyone else.  I can feel convicted about how I want things to be, regardless of how different my reality looks, I will even work hard for those things, but I won't judge others in order to see the value in myself.  It makes me sad that by the time I get this all figured out, it will be nearly over and re-do just isn’t an option.  My kids will be out there in the world with all the best and worst of how I've treated them and how they treated each other. 

Last week I go to preschool with Bryson and I feel nervous and awkward.  I’m the only working mom in the class, I’m the only one who has a youngest child in the class.  I’m not used to that.  My hands feel weirdly empty, like they should be busier soothing a baby or picking up a puzzle that my toddler spilled.  I’m not in yoga pants because my nanny will be meeting me in the parking lot after this little orientation so I can rush off and be late to work.  I’m not doting on him like a first child, and he doesn’t need me like the other kids in the class seem to need their moms.  He can't get enough of his new teacher.  Want's every minute of her time.  This feels awkward, like I’ve never felt before, and I leave feeling like I won't fit in with all the wonderfully nice moms I've just met, and that makes me sad.  But then 5 days later it is time to drop him off for his first real day of preschool.  The first day when the mamas leave.  What was awkward a few days ago, feels good now.  Some of these three-year-olds have never been left before.  They are crying out in pain and anguish.  Their mamas are crying too.  The pain in the family is palpable, and in one case, seeing it brings tears to my eyes, I’m hurting for how much they are hurting.  Bryson goes in happily, confidently, and there is not a doubt in my mind that he won’t.  He is all joy.  He has been waiting for this day as long as he can remember.  He got toted here in a car seat, lost here in the halls as a toddler, and waited for his sisters many times at the end of the hall in the parent area.  Now it is his turn to go into his classroom, and his heart could not be more full.  I look at him and I feel proud.  I look at the crying kids and I feel bad that my boy happily waves “ga-bye mama” after a quick hug.  I know I shouldn’t.  I’m happy because my boy is not sad.  Am I a better mama because my kid didn’t cry at preschool drop off?  No, of course not…

But I’m reminded for the millionth time in this parenting journey that there are more ways than one to do this well.  I'm getting validation from my child's happy face.  The one of three faces where I should be looking for it.  

So raw isn’t a sad word or a happy word.  It’s that my heart feels more on the outside that usual.  Which is, you know, saying a lot coming from me.  I’m noticing my failures and my successes a little more often.  I’m loving what I am, but mourning what I am not.  I can taste the tears and laughter of my own childhood.  And during this time I take a few vacation days to savor the time with them.  Then I work hard and efficiently to make the most of my time at the office.  Then I wake up early and stumble to the coffee pot to remember I am God’s child and spend time being still.  To feel that God is love.  And I am loved.  

And this raw life is beautiful and good, and it’s mine and I’m proud of it.  My kids will have their own kid hurts that make them raw, but it probably won’t be the third grade, or going to preschool for the first time.  It will be things that I can’t and do not want to anticipate.  There are beautiful blessings everywhere.  Tomorrow I will be careful to notice them.  

Be where you are, because where you are is pretty great!

But I want that hand

Something happened to today.  

I left work a little early to go meet Lily's new teacher at the big drop off your school supplies and ice cream social extravaganza.  

As we got out of the car, I had Addie's hand, and I reached for Lily's and...

She. Pulled. Away.  

Dagger to my heart, I was a little stunned but I understood...and I kept walking.  

I know other kids don't want their mom to hold their hand.  I know I didn't as a third grader.  But this is my little girl and of course she will never be like that.  

Later it happened again walking to the playground.  I didn't want to hold her hand for safety.  It's just, what we do, when we walk together.  I reached more out of absent-mindedness than anything else, but she didn't want to.  I told her sorry, for trying a second time.  (No means no, mom!)  She just looked at me with the tight lipped stare-me-down look she gets when I'm embarrassing her.  I asked her if she would still let me kiss her goodbye, and she said yes.  I asked her if she ever wanted to hold my hand.  

She said yes.  

Just not at school. 

 

A great summer 2013 - Adventure # 1 - Tour de Arizona and the Grand Canyon with the Shaws

A few days after school ended we headed to Arizona to see our friends the Shaw Family.

Getting to Arizona was a little crazy, as we flew in 2 groups to save money, Addie and Lawrence flew standby.  It was a stressful 8 hrs but when all was said and done, we all arrived within a half hour of each other.  We swam in the pool for a while and then headed over to our friends, Ben and Michelle's house for dinner.  It so happened that some Portland friends were in Phoenix also, so all of us ate well, drank, talked, laughed.  Twas a great first night of vacation.

Father's Day was awesome, we loaded up 8 friends in the Honda Pilot, first stop was a creek on the way to Sedona.  We played in the water, fished for crawfish with bacon, and swung on a rope swing into the river.  What an experience it was for us to play in the water and be refreshed but never cold.  That night we headed to Sedona where Meg's dad lives.  As we rounded the corner and saw the mountains surrounding Sedona, it took our breath away.  And Meg's dad's house was right at the bottom.  Amazing. We had fun, BBQed, laughed and laughed and laughed, and all slept on air mattresses slumber party style.  It was a fantastic day.  (Inside joke, it turns out that the plumbing in Sedona and Joseph are very similar)

The next morning after a yummy breakfast at the world famous Coffee Pot, we were off to the Grand Canyon.

It was beyond our expectations!  Truly!  As we came up to it, walking along the path, my breath caught in my throat and I felt tears in my eyes.  It was bigger and more awesome than I expected and I was simply in awe.

We hiked around, the kids were not as impressed as we expected.  People told us this might happen, but we were all, no not our kids, they are very in to science and they are sure to love it.  They knew all about it, we'd checked out every book in the library.  But they were looking for something more like the mountain in Sedona.  The vastness made it hard for them to see or imagine.  We took exactly one million pictures.  The ones we've seen hundreds of times.  The ones that do not do it justice.  On the way out, the photo hating dads looped around out of the way,  stopped, and unbuckled kids out of the third row just so I could get the picture I said I wanted earlier in the day of my family with the Grand Canyon National Park sign.  People, these are the little big things that make me feel loved.  I had already given up and wasn't planning to ask once we got the car loaded with children.

We drove back through Flagstaff and stopped their for dinner.  OZ talked his way out of speeding ticket by accidentally passing on his military ID along with his driver's license.  All five kids were sleeping.  All five kids woke up.  But no ticket, so we considered it a win, and it was almost time for dinner anyway.

We passed route 66 and Lawrence made Addie think we were in Radiator Springs.  She pointed out Flo's, and Meg convinced them all to climb up on a sign.  It was a high point for Addie for sure, so we were glad to have stopped.

The next day the boys went Golfing.  Meg and I played with the kids in the pool and relaxed.  We must have done other stuff, but I can't remember what two months later.  We did marvel at how glad we were that we did all of our traveling at the beginning of the week.  How great 4 kids did in the packed to the brim car, and how much our families loved each other.  That night we jumped in the pool after golf and went to dinner at Oregano's.  We walked home, and Ben showed Lily dates and other plants along the way.  The kids were enamored.  We loved walking in the dark and in the heat, full and tipsy. I honestly felt a little high on life, but the yummy frozen drinks at dinner didn't hurt I'm sure.

The following two days, OZ had to work.  We went to the Hamilton Aquatic Center both days.  The kids loved it and it was like $11 for our whole family to get in.  There was something for everyone, easy enough for Taylor Poppy and big water slides for Lily (and me!).

Thursday Meg made us a big Salmon dinner and we enjoyed a relaxing evening at home, playing Catan.

Friday we walked to Tempe town lake and Bryson got in a fight with a Cactus.  The kids had matching outfits so it made for some adorable group photos.  We had a great dinner out in downtown Tempe and a nice stroll.  Another evening of warmth and walking.  The night ended with an evening swim which was on Lily's must do list

Saturday was going home day.  Boo.  We decided to go for an early morning hike up A mountain.  We came home and jumped in the pool and headed to the airport.  Lawrence and Addie were hoping for similar luck, getting bumped from their flight.  But no luck, all was easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Honorable mentions: Playing Trains, Cheating at Catan, Being spotted by Mike's elk scope, My kids discovered their love for Gatorade,

Happy Mother's Day to my beautifully merciful mother!!

 Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

So, it's the day before Mother's Day and I haven't sent my mom a card or a gift.  As the guilt washes over me, I resist the urge to feel terrible, because of the grace and love she will offer me.  Why should such an amazing mother receive nothing on Mother's Day though?  I hope Matt sent something on time.  Ha.  Ha.  Hahahahhahahahahaha.

I have a card in my purse, and an idea in my brain, and I worry that my mama will be sad and lonely on the day when she should feel most loved and cherished.  I am writing this, not only because I love to write about brag & about the woman who raised me all by herself, but also because I hope that my words will touch her like a gift.  In place of the one I've not yet sent.

I've written things about her before: here and here, and a bunch more here. I didn't re-read those posts before starting this one, so I might be saying something I've said before, but if there is one thing I know as a mom, woman, wife, and friend...hearing the things that we've done right in our life, the things that made a difference for others, the places we matter to those we love...hearing that a few extra times, does not get old.

I'll start by saying that I cannot imagine who I'd be without my mom.  I also can't imagine a life without her in it someday.  Some of my favorite people have lost their mothers, some of them lost their mothers a long time ago, some in more recent years...some of them have children who will never knew their mother this side of Heaven.  While I appreciate my mama without the perspective of those unimaginable losses, I am reminded of all the blessings I have, just because she is still in my life, just because she loves me more than any other human on this earth.

That perspective prodded me to invite her along on a work trip last September.  It reminded me that those friends would give anything to make new memories with their mamas, and I needed to get on that while I still could.  My mom and I see each other 4-5 times a year, we make a lot of new grandma memories, and that's very important, but we don't make a lot of mother/daughter memories.  I'm racing and running, she's spoiling the kids, and we leave them with her to get a date night in while our cheerful free babysitter shoes us out the door.  

So I took her with me to Vegas.  I enjoyed her company.  I marveled at the way she fumbled through security, acted worldly with the cabbie, and took pictures of me checking in at the hotel.  I wasn't rushed or overwhelmed, and that made it really easy to enjoy my mom, just as she is.  And let me be clear, because I'd hate for my actions to speak louder than my words in many moments.  I. DO. LOVE. HOW. SHE. IS. AS. SHE. IS.  Even if I'm terrible at showing it most of the time.  I'm so lucky for how she is.  I'm so happy for how she is.  That was such an amazing trip for us.  We ate, we saw, we talked, we read, we ate, we played, we walked, we laughed, we almost missed our return flight, we enjoyed.  I'm ashamed to say that I don't remember the last time I simply enjoyed us that much.  I loved getting to be with her, as her daughter - leaving many of the other life responsibilities for a few days.  When we returned home, she had college friends in town for a mini reunion.  So I got to meet old college boyfriends and their wives, her old friends and new friends, all people who love her so much.  It was an amazing time for me to spend time with these people, people who loved my mom as she was before there was me, before she was a mother.

A month or so ago, I was working through a bible study, and I came to the topic of mercy.  There was a question asking if there was anyone in your life who always offers mercy.  Mercy isn't a word that I could define exactly, so I looked it up.  

mer·cy  

/ˈmərsē/

Noun Compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm An event to be grateful for, esp. because its occurrence prevents something unpleasant or provides relief from suffering

As I read more about the meaning of mercy, my mom was the only person who came to my mind.  I took the question a bit further and tried to think of a time when she did not extend mercy to me, and I could not.  And believe me, I deserved punishment, I was no picnic, yet she didn't/doesn't give me what I deserve.  Does that mean I was raised by the most merciful woman in the world?  I think so.  

A while back a loved one and I were talking about wishing we had more time to connect.  I told her that while she felt like we weren't connecting enough, I was connecting with her more than I do with many...and I said that I don't connect with my mom as much as I should.  She asked me if that was right.  The truth is it isn't right.  But it is how it is.  The reason is because my mom is so forgiving and gentle with me.  She understands that my busy is never something personal against her.  She acknowledges the stresses in my life, and that I get frazzled to a fault.  When I don't call her for weeks at a time, and we are in touch through liking photos and comments, she is glad to have a window into my world.  If I have a list of 3 people I must call, she drops to the bottom of the list, not because I want to talk to her the least (quite the opposite) it is because she will be the most understanding, never once have I had to worry about her wrath.  It's not fair to her that it works that way, but it does.  And she loves me anyway.  Fully.  She doesn't hold it against me, she doesn't remind me that the last time I messed up and apologized, and here I am messing up again.  She forgives in a way that means I'm fully forgiven, the slate is wiped clean, again and again.  Because of that, I probably screw up with her the most, she is my safe place for screwing up.  It brings me to tears when I try to put into words how much it means to have that safe place with her.  

As I mother my own children, I want to better remember my mother's mercy, and what that brings to me, even as a 36 year old woman.  On a regular basis, I hear myself reminding them of their past faults and their past shortcomings.  I am frustrated with them, not because the disobedience at hand is the problem, but because it has been a problem in the past.  Because if I am really honest about it, I have not forgiven them for something that I say I have.  This bible study that had my mama written all over it, talking about mercy, it was about Jesus (Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.  Matt 5:7).  Even though she isn't a believer, my mom is and always has been that example to me, she loves me like Jesus does, she loves everyone like that.  A while ago, I was thanking God for teaching me about His love for me through the way I love my children.  And now, even more I am thanking Him for teaching me about His love for me through the way my mom loves me.  

I'm always setting goals and working on stuff.  I'm always wanting to improve and fix stuff that is broken.  My mom's always telling me I'm perfect just as I am, not because she doesn't want me to improve, but I think because she thinks I'm so wonderful and it pains her to see me striving all the time.  There's a happy medium in there between how I see myself and how my mom's sees me, but I haven't found it yet. So I keep striving and she keeps reminding me about how great I am.  

A goal I'd really like to strive toward for my mom and me is to keep intentionally making new mother/daughter memories with her.  I think of how much I cherish her daily, but I tell her how much I cherish her rarely, and I want to make sure that she knows it.  Like knows it knows it.  I want her to know that as she feels like she's fumbling her way through life, her heart has given me a road map that leads to love and happiness and fulfillment.  A roadmap that I am lucky enough to have as much of my foundation growing up.  All the good things about me are her fault!  She may have had a hand in some of my quirks too, but I definitely give her credit for all the good stuff. 

Mom, I thank you for who you are, for the way that you love me as I am, for giving me such a safe and warm place to grow up, for making me feel so important and valuable to you, for bearing through my teenage years (always have to throw that in), for cheering me on now, even when I don't do the same for you, for blessing me with atypical selfless parenting, for helping me to believe I was extraordinary, for the incredible grandmother you are to my children, and for sharing your beautiful heart with everyone you meet.  Thank you that each sacrifice you made for me was your sincere joy! 

I'm sorry that there wasn't a Mother's Day card in your mailbox or a gift on your doorstep or flowers on your desk.    You deserve more gifts than anybody else! I know I don't even have to say that I am sorry.  You forgive me and you mean it.  You love me  and you mean it, with no strings attached.  I pray these scattered words saved on a tiny corner of the internets, shared with you on facebook, will touch your heart as much as you deserved to be touched.  I ask that you keep loving me this way, mama, so I can be a mama like you someday.  

I love love love love you! 

Forever yours,  

Jenny Bug