Joseph Little Things

My good friend Jenn has this great blog thing that she does, it's called, The Little Things.  It's taking stock of all the good things happening in her life, when there isn't time to blog it all.

We went to Joseph to see my mom on August 13....and go to the Bronze, Blues, and Brews.  It didn't suck.  It was awesome even.  I say that because if I'm honest, every time we have gone away with 3 kids for a long weekend since having Bryson, it has totally sucked and by the last day, I'm SO ready to get back to our own house and our own sleeping arrangements/baby gated community.  It's not that I never enjoy myself, but the first year I was still nursing and or pumping...which for the record sucks while you are camping in so many ways.  Then this year it has poured down rain and been terrible weather every time we've left home. 

So I was COMMITTED to enjoying our time in Joseph.  No matter what.  We thought about what might make it more enjoyable, and decided to to pick up my 15 year old cousin, Susannah and bring her along as an extra set of hands and some great company.  It was the perfect decision, we enjoyed each other's company, got to know each other a little better, and she was awesome with the kids.  All of my friends couldn't say enough good things about her.

I made sure to take inventory of the little things:
The mostly peaceful even-though-they-don't-sleep-on-the-7-hr-drive car ride
The planning ahead
Bringing less = more
Girls at camp so we left a little later and had peace packing the car while Jennifer took Brys to the park
The smell of the mountain air with a dash of charcoal on the BBQ when we pulled into my mom's driveway
The feeling of Addie's small hand holding mine
Watching the girls run to mom's front door in delight screaming "Grandma, Grandma, Grandma"
Watching Bryson do the same, even though he had no clue where we were
Hugging Mom
Hugging Will
Hugging Mandy
Hugging Leah
Going to bed early
Everyone sleeping through the night
A morning run with Mandy
When it's hot in Joseph early in the morning
Mom buying our tickets as an early anniversary present
Lawrence getting there early and waiting in line for a spot in the shade
Listening to blues music while playing card games with my kids
Drinking a few too many microbrews and being able to walk to my moms
Old friends catching up
Old friends saying, "are those your cute kids who've been running in the sprinkler?"
The incredible sunset over the mountains
Susannah's sweet smile saying, "I'll go chase him for a while, you sit!"
Forgetting about the FORTY FIVE degree temperature drop when it goes from 85 to 40 when the sunsets
Kids riding bikes through town
7 ice cream cones for $1.75.  REALLY?
Mom and Bryson time
"Welcome to BeeCrowBee everything you see outside is half off today" - Lily at the sidewalk sale Will set up for them
Tacos at Mandy and Joe's
Morning power walk with Mandy
Day at the Lake with Will
Getting a picture on that huge chair with the girls when he promised himself he'd never be photoed there
Susannah's first go Kart ride with Lily as her passenger.
The look of excitement and terror on her face.
Watching my kids try to skip rocks and play in my lake
Outside Seating at Terminal Gravity
Staying up too late laughing with friends
Realizing that it's the last day, and wishing it wasn't over rather than wishing it was.
Kids being good AGAIN on the drive home-again not sleeping!!

And now...here are too many pictures!

I love the sunsets and the friendships in my home town.

I love my mom and my kids.

I love my husband.

I love my mountains and my Main street.

I love.

Goodbye is only a prolonged Hello

Whatever. 


It sucks.  Today we said goodbye to our loved and needed AuPair, Julia.  She has 2 weeks of fun and traveling the parts of the US that she hasn't seen yet, before she goes back to Germany and our family is left one person short.  Julia has been amazing this year.  I really don't know how I would have gotten through this difficult year without her.  My work life was insane and my emotional life was dangling by a thread, and she really was a type of glue and consistency, constantly full of kindness, helpfulness, and encouragement.  She has a knack for being just what we need when we need it. 


My heart breaks for her and the kids.  They are so in love with each other.  They have a special bond that could not be any sweeter. 


In a final moment today, before we left the house,  Addie gave Julia one of her bear-bears and made her promise to think of her every night when she slept with it.  Addie has 4 bear-bears, it might seem like a lot, like she had one to spare, but bear-bear is her best friend, her comfort, her playmate.  To give a bear-bear to Julia (even if it was admittedly the one that she like the least) it was touching.  Julia burst into tears with the biggest smile on her face.  Julia's friend Micah and I did too because it was just too cool of a gesture.  I told Lawrence the story in the car, and even his eyes filled with tears as he thought about it.

I told Lily that I feel bad for Bryson, because he doesn't know what is going on, and he says "Buh-Bye Jew-a" but he doesn't know that it is goodbye for a very long time, that the next time he sees her won't be in a few hours or days.  Lily said, "I feel really sad for everyone, especially myself".  :) 


This is awesome.  And it's hard.  We now have 2 girls who will forever be part of our family due to this program.  But starting over fresh, with a broken heart each year...well...it just sucks.  I can't say it more eloquently than that.  It sucks for them and for us.  We will move on and we will have each other.  I heard Julia say to Bryson, the LOVE of her life, the other morning, "Who's smile will brighten my days, and start them off right when I don't have you?"  And I know she means that with her WHOLE heart.  


We will be taking a year or so off the AuPair program and hiring a nanny who won't live with us.  We've founds someone sweet and special that we are really happy about.


Saying goodbye to an AuPair isn't like saying goodbye to a childcare provider though.  It's like saying goodbye to a family member.  The sadness doesn't come just because of the job there is to fill, it comes from losing the genuine love that we have for each other.  Knowing that the person caring for the kids loves them and us as much as we love her.  


Julia is an incredible person.  She is 20, and she is mature, smart, godly.  She will go so far in her life.  Her future is wide open and I'm so proud of the person she has become while she is here.  She has been so open to every experience, and blessing have poured down on her.  And on us.  I know she has so much to look forward to, and the next chapter of her life can't start until this one ends. 

But.


I'm just sad that I don't get to see her everyday anymore.

"Goodbye, Goodbye, to you and you and you..." or, "We're going on a trip in our favorite rocket ship..."

"Bryson, do you want to hold my hand?"

One last picture-Bryson kicking Addie in the head...

A

We love you "Jue-a"!!!

The last three-year-old rock-a-bye

Today was


The last three-year-old breakfast


The last three-year-old bath


The last three-year-old movie night


The last three-year-old Curious George book


And right before bed


The last three-year-old Rock-a-Bye baby


The last three-year-old kiss goodnight


But my Addie reminded me that tomorrow we could do four-year-old all of those things


(She also told me she will scrapbook the dry pull-up that she's been wearing for the last week and that she wore for the last night time tonight)
if she keeps it dry once again


You see, four-year-olds don't wear pull-ups at night like three-year-olds do


Bear-bear was almost too excited to get to sleep
He wishes it was Addie's birthday everyday
Addie got him calmed down with an "I can't wait" chant, that Bryson and Lily joined in too

 

Photo by Holly Kae

Four sounds so much older than three. 
 
I love you, my Addie
Happy Fourth Birthday, my love!

Out of the Past : 40 weeks

As I reflect on the birth week of my middle child, and think back to the days leading up to bringing her into the world, I've been pretty nostalgic.  Today was my due date with Addie.  Four years ago.  I went back to my babysite that I kept as a journal back then, and it was fun to re-read.  Without further ado, here it is. 

40 Weeks Date: 06/27/2007 Today is officially my due date. Here it is at 12:37am and I'm having contractions, strong enough to keep me awake, but not regular enough to get too excited yet. But I figure I will write a little bit and then track the time of the contractions at the same time, then try and go get some sleep by 1 or 1:30. (12:33, 12:37) We have promised Lily a trip to the Library tomorrow (today) for story hour and to check out some books for the first time. She is really excited about it. I'm going to keep her home with me and I keep thinking that if I go into labor tonight, she will be really disappointed (12:40). By the way the times in the parenthesis are the contraction start times, and it is easier to just put it in (plus a great way of saving documentation rather than saving scraps of paper or excel schedules later!). Today Lily asked me about a minivan in the parking lot as we were leaving school, I told her it was Candace's (a little girl in her class). She wanted to know if it was new or old. I told her I thought that it was pretty new, they got it when Candace's mom had Candace's baby (12:43). She said that Candace's baby was already out, but Lily's baby was not out yet. I think Candace's brother is around 7 mths or so. Anyway, she said, "I want Addie to come out, but Addie keeps staying in, she doesn't come out." I thought that was so cute. So my thinking is that Lily will be okay with not going to the library if she gets to see her new sister. Of course, let's not get ahead of ourselves yet. This is just wishful thinking. Today I nested like crazy, all the laundry is done and put away, dishes done, kitchen clean. I went to home depot, office depot, payless, walgreens, safeway, & out to lunch at Sweet Tomato with my mom. I downloaded photos and charged batteries, made a pot roast, walked my fanny off, took Lily to the park, and got everything I wanted crossed off my list. My mom did some weeding in the back yard since it is (12:47) driving me crazy and my husband won't let me hire someone, nor does he have the time or energy to do it. It looks much better. My face looks like a cartoon snowman head today, very round and rosy cheeks. It was hot and I'm feeling quite swollen. I also feel extra weight in my chin and jowls, quite attractive I must say! Since I have some new ones, I will upload a few more pictures, so check out the new album, make sure and leave us a comment, and I will definitely update this with more tomorrow morning when I wake up, assuming I don't go to the hospital tonight. Like I said, I'm not too hopeful for that. We'll see what happens at the dr appt on Friday, but at this point I'm leaning toward not being induced on Monday. It is only 5 days late, and I will decide on Sunday or Friday, but I know I can wait it out a few more days. Again, not putting the pressure on myself, but I think that it will happen naturally if I give my body a chance. Today after all that walking, I can barely walk because the pressure is so heavy on my pubic bone. It has been great having my mom here, I'm getting more done, and she has been such a help with Lily. I can't imagine how hard this week would have been without her, even though I know she would like to get to meet her 2nd granddaughter, she is also so helpful and supportive and really only cares about making me comfortable, and doing anything and everything she can to help with what I need (obviously, since she was out pulling weeds in 80 degrees today!) It also has been nice to just have someone around, rather than being alone all day. I do get very snappy at her, but if (12:55) she could survive my teenage years she can definitely survive my 40 week pregnant bitchiness. It is hard to explain, but it is like the slightest irritation turns to complete rage in about 3 seconds. She was whistling (and she can't whistle) to Lily today trying to get her attention while I was on the phone and Lily was running circles around my legs trying to get my attention. I barely noticed Lily because I am so used to it, but the sound of my mom attempting to whistle at my daughter (not my dog) OUTRAGED me and I went through the roof at her. Jeanine was at the other end of the phone call and said, "WOW, you ARE pregnant!"...Of course my mom and I laughed about it an hour later as I described how annoyance changed to anger so quickly. But I told her I still don't want her to whistle at Lily again, or anyone for that matter, she is a really shitty whistler. :) Addie is kicking around so hard it is hard to tell the start of a contraction pain vs the pain and pressure she is putting on my belly. I wonder how big she is now. My guess is 7.5 lbs. That is a pound bigger than Lily, ouch, I don't want to think about that. My labor hasn't even started yet, and so many factors are different, I keep wondering what birth will be like this time. I pray that it is as easy and as ideal as it was with Lily (minus one small hiccup with a cathader several hours after she was born), but with a bigger baby and possibly faster birth, possible induction, (1:01)so many other things, it is hard to imagine that it will be. It is now 1:03, my last two contractions were about 6 minutes apart, and they were 4 minutes when I started writing. So I'm going to go lay down and see what happens. I'll post it if we are headed to the hospital. And yes Carol of course we will call you, no matter the time. No news from us means no news... ************************************* 7:30pm, getting ready to go on a walk with my friend and doula Robin to talk about natural induction stuff. We went to the library today and had a great time. Pretty exhausting day as Lily didn't nap great, but there is nothing else to share. I might have a glass of wine tonight, Robin said now that I am officially past due it's okay to have one, and it might kick start things. Cheers to hoping it does. ************************************** 11:37pm Went on a long walk & Had the glass of wine. Didn't feel tipsy like I was hoping... :) But I did have a great walk and talk with Robin. Since she is a doula we talked a lot about inducing and birthing and bodies, etc. I think that I'm leaning toward changing the induction date on Tuesday the 3rd or Thursday the 5th (I assume they won't want to do the 4th). Monday will be too stressful, and it is the only day that we don't have a grandparent staying with us. And 5am is so early, I would rather see if another day we could get a reasonable time. My mom is coming down with a cold today. Not good. Of course she feels terrible, and nothing she can do about it. I gave her some Activate immune system booster, hand sanitizer, and have been spraying down everything she's touched. I hope the Activate helps. Because if she has a cold she won't be able to come to the hospital (IF I deliver before she leaves) and I really don't want her near Lily or I...it's the last thing we need right now. She can't help it though, so hopefully we will just make sure we don't get it. My brother came today to help with Lily and hang out for a few days, it has been great having all the extra playmates for Lily. He has to leave Friday morning for a physical for his new firefighting job. My due date is over in 21 minutes. And I'm still pregnant. That feels weird. I really never imagined that would happen, but it time for me to go get some sleep. I'm going to bed. Talk to you tomorrow. Good night.

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						So for the record.  I did get induced on that Monday, even though I thought I wouldn't. And once I held my 6lb 2oz baby in my arms, I never regretted it for one second!

Hello, friend - It's been a while

Today is a work from home day, the first in a few weeks, my audit is nearing a close, and I'm drowning a little less.  There is no way to catch up on all the blogs I've missed writing since December, but that might not be the worst thing.  For the first time in my life, I felt a real and severe depression, and it wasn't what I expected depression would feel like.  It was going on for a few months before I even realized it was what was happening.  I was prescribed some meds, but ended up not taking them, I did however start seeing a counselor to try to learn to work through some of life's stresses in a healthier way, understand Who I was living for, and ultimately how to find some peace for myself, before even, my family.

So maybe I'm kind of glad that I didn't blog every sad day of the last 6 months, but I know I missed recording a bunch of the happy stuff too.  I've been alone, mostly.  Just me and my family.  I've exchanged some emails with friends, and a couple of quick conversations, but mostly I've been isolated, and work has been my "me" time.  Being lonely makes a girl do a whole lot of thinking and praying.  Friends say things to me like, "Oh, Jenny, I wish I'd known, I wish you'd called me", but the truth is, I don't and haven't even felt like talking about it.  And that's part of why I stopped blogging.  I didn't feel like writing about the way our (read my) life was going day in and day out. 

I am so grateful to our moms, my brother, and to the few friends who I did stay in touch with over the past few months.  For those that didn't put the pressure on me to be more or do more than I could.  For those that sent me encouraging emails and gchats about how I could make it through.  On Feb 1st I started exercising again.  I started with the 30 day shred in 35 days, and then I've kept up with this unlikely group of 7 on a private blog, what started at a group of about 20, quickly dwindled, all from various walks of life, the 7 of us write in each day to say that we did or did not exercise, and set our weekly goals, talk about how much water we drank, you know, exciting stuff.  Through all of this, exercise and daily endorphins (along with the daily encouragement of those 7 amazing inspiring ladies) have got me through.  The last month, I haven't met the goals I've set for myself, but I have run two 5Ks and I am still working out about 4 times a week.  It's good.  I have to let good be enough.  Lawrence is a super dad.  I am so thankful to him for doing so much for the kids and the house when I've been absent or useless.  I'm also to blessed to have our AuPair, Julia, who loves the kids so unconditionally, they miss me when I work long days, but I never ever have to worry about them, because they know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they are loved.  So loved!

Lawrence coached Lily's T-ball team, and last night was the last game.  We had a party after and he passed out trophies.  I was so proud of my man, as I watched him get his photo with each beaming kid, and listened to their parents thank him profusely (the way I do for both of the girls' teachers).  Sometimes it is important that I stop and look at him for who he is and thank my lucky stars that he wanted to marry me. 
 
I'm so acutely aware of how much I appreciate the way my regular happy brain works.  I won't take for granted my positive outlook and my ability to power through ever again.  Because not having that sucks.

June 1st.

It was a date that was out there, waiting for me, like a life preserver, like if I can just get to June 1st, I'll be okay.  But it was So.Far.Away.  I had a (one of many) meltdown on Feb 15th, and thought that June 1st might never come.  But now it is only a week away.  The bulk of the audit at work is over, and the sun occasionally has been showing it's sweet face.  I have a few days at the beach planned in a few weeks with my family.  My baby is almost 1.5 and my girls are about to graduate from their first year at their new schools.  They are all so big and so beautiful.  It's a new season.

And I'm so ready for it.

Happy Easter!

We had a wonderful morning at church, the kids were all dressed up and looked so cute.  Julia joined me and Lawrence is cooking his yummy ham specialty.  May each of you feel God's love and abundant gifts, as I do today.

Isaiah 55

Invitation to the Thirsty

 ¹ “Come, all you who are thirsty,
   come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
   come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
   without money and without cost.
² Why spend money on what is not bread,
   and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
   and you will delight in the richest of fare.
³ Give ear and come to me;
   listen, that you may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
   my faithful love promised to David.

Isaiah 53

⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions,
   he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
   and by his wounds we are healed.