In general Bryson is kind of a grumpy baby. Nothing that is unbearable...he just seems kinda pissed off at the world, unless he is sleeping. He does sleep a lot during the day, less at night, but he prefers arms or a swing to laying down flat. He needs to be swaddled to sleep but REALLY doesn't like the getting swaddled process. Because I just need to sleep, he is usually in bed with us by morning. Then I snap at the girls for being too loud when they come in to say good morning...what a great way to start off their day. Maybe my bad mood bear is rubbing off on me. No, maybe I just am exhausted and have hormones pouring out of me. Still. I need to be nicer to them in the morning. When I'm nice they don't leave me to sleep tho...Hmmm...lock the door perhaps? Where was I? Oh right - Mr Pissy. (That's actually a good name for him since he peed in his own face today...TOTALLY not my fault for getting the new gauze on too slow!)
Oh how I love him though, he is so cute and sweet, even if he spends most of his waking hours looking like a grumpy old man. I could kiss every inch of his wrinkly little body! Even when he screams at me...it's still adorable. The girls were much more content with the big bad world than he is. My friend Robin said that maybe it is because he was early and boys develop slower than girls. I hope he is happier sooner. Not for my own sanity but for his contentness. I hate to see him so discontented even when in my arms or nursing.
Okay, I'll admit that it wouldn't HURT my own sanity.
Yesterday and today he had a few more minutes of quiet looking around time, and that was nice. Unfortunately it wasn't when I was holding him. But good for my mom and Sabine to get some yummy quiet and alert time with him.
In other somewhat related news,
Lawrence and I have started the tired competition...
How long will it take him to learn that I WIN this competition. Stop competing, love.
(If you don't know what this means...stay tuned...I promise I will talk more about this as the sleepless months wear on)
In other non related news, we got our first snow in Portland last night, it was unexpected and the girls had so much fun in it. Since it wasn't expected to last long, I even got my postpartum self out there on a sled and went down our hill with Addie, worried that the snow would not wait for daddy. After pulling them back up the hill, I remembered what daddies are for! :) Lily could have stayed out there for hours and hours, and did this morning while it all melted away. I got a great picture on my mom's camera, some of Bryson too...but at this point there is just no hope of getting the pictures and the words together on the same blog. Lawrence and the kids made a very cool fort after he got home from his 1.5 hr - 5 mile commute due to so many abandoned vehicles along the way home. Luckily the snow DID wait for daddy.
Sabine and I also started painting a stripe in Bryson's room after Carrie came over today to help me tape it. It's going to be great, and Carrie even convinced me to do 3 stripes rather than 1, as I had originally planned. I think it'll look perfect, I hope I can finish it this year, because the nursery is a MESS! It's hard to walk in there now with everything pulled away from the wall.
So with that, more photos to come...maybe...
I gotta go nurse Sir Fussesalot, and feed myself...so much for my nap time! Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight. HA!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Finally - Joys and Sorrows of Christmas
Well, I'm finally getting something blogged. There is so much to write and no time to write it.
I can't believe for all the holidays I left a foreskin update as my post! By the way, thanks for all the support on that and I'm glad to hear that I wasn't just freaking out over it. 5 days later it isn't healed, but we are getting there I guess. Today was the first day I did many diaper changes since Lawrence has been home for the holidays.
On Christmas Eve my little brother and my mom came, we made cookies and Lawrence made a wonderful Salmon dinner (to help Sabine feel at home). I went to Catholic Mass with Sabine in the evening kidless. She really wanted to attend, I was planning to go to my church with just Bryson but was happy to take her. I didn't bring Bryson, just pumped a bottle, since my mom was arriving just as we were ready to leave, and there was a bunch of other stuff, but the time line just worked better to leave him home. Both girls made me feel guilty for leaving - and I REALLY wished I'd brought Bryson the whole time, it was too soon to leave him, even for an hour. In any case, I made the best of it, and enjoyed the service, and the reason for the season.
When I got home, I filled stockings and played Santa and it was a blast. But bedtime didn't come until after midnight.
Christmas morning stocking opening was a lot of fun. Unfortunately we got the sad news mid morning that Sabine's grandmother in Poland had passed away. Although she was sad, she managed to enjoy giving and opening presents and eating a ham dinner with the family. Please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers this week as they make the arrangements and travel from Germany to Poland.
Christmas ended with playing a game that Matt got for us, it was 8:20 and it felt like midnight. Sabine and I both went to bed before 9. I'd been up since 5:45am, feeding Bryson and then with the girls for stockings and somehow there just wasn't time in the day for a nap for me.
Saturday my mom left to take Matt to Eugene and meet his girlfriend and her family. We decided to get out of the house and go to zoo lights. It was fun. AND COLD! It was interesting, our first family excursion. Bryson decided to spit up big for the first time, all over me. Then he had a blow out. Finding 3 warm outfits for him that fit are one thing, and finding three warm outfits for ME that fit was quite the challenge, so it basically felt like I was wearing PJ bottoms to zoo lights, but whatever, we got out the door only an hour and 15 minutes later than planned! Besides being so cold we really enjoyed it. And Lawrence made yummy meal number 3 - cream of potato soup - for when we got home.
Yesterday I took Sabine and the three kids to church. It was interesting. I preferred it to missing them so much on Thursday night, but it was a lot since Lily's class wasn't going due to teachers being on vacation. It was a pretty fun sermon, since so many kids were in attendance. It was also shorter than usual. I enjoyed it a lot and so did the kids. Lily ended up going to the end portion of Addie's class and being the helper! Bryson got to meet our friends the Chappelle's. By "meet" I mean stay sleeping in his carseat while they peak at what little face of his is showing. We took the tree down, and it felt like we cleaned the house all day. I tried to nap all day too, but Bryson was not in the mood for that. As soon as I would get him swaddled and laid down, I would lay down and he would start fussing.
Today FINALLY I got to have a nap, a good nap, waking up and forgetting where I was nap. Ahhh. Then Bryson slept for another hour so I got up and played a promised game with Lily too!
Today our little guy is 2 weeks old. He had a check up. He is now 8lbs 8oz, so he is gaining very well. His circumcision was looking good although there was one little piece of skin that was fusing together that had to be seperated with a scary looking tool. Ig. We did not enjoy that. He did so much better at the dr this time than at his 4 day, when he screamed bloody murder the whole time. He has a goopy eye which is just a clogged tear duct, to be fixed with a warm wash cloth. He's also getting some baby acne, so it's nice...this week he gets to start meeting people and he looks HOT! Then my mom, Bryson, and I went to Babies R Us and bought a few things. It was my first time being there since even getting PREGNANT with him. Can you imagine? I think I was there at least 400 times with my pregnancy with Lily.
Alright, I hear Bryson fussing, I have a lot more pictures to post and some more thoughtful blogs to write, but in the meantime, I hope you enjoyed the "what we did this Christmas" blog. I just nursed and need to go sleep. More soon. Here are a few pictures...
Christmas Morning, Addie in her new monkey PJs from Sabine and showing each thing out of her stocking. She was SO excited about each and everything as she pulled it out.
My THREE CHILDREN on Christmas Morning!!
These are in backwards order. The stockings all full and ready for opening...all 8 of them with my mom and matt's!
Sabine and Bryson
Baby's first Christmas...on his due date...10 days old!
The six of us at zoo lights!
I can't believe for all the holidays I left a foreskin update as my post! By the way, thanks for all the support on that and I'm glad to hear that I wasn't just freaking out over it. 5 days later it isn't healed, but we are getting there I guess. Today was the first day I did many diaper changes since Lawrence has been home for the holidays.
On Christmas Eve my little brother and my mom came, we made cookies and Lawrence made a wonderful Salmon dinner (to help Sabine feel at home). I went to Catholic Mass with Sabine in the evening kidless. She really wanted to attend, I was planning to go to my church with just Bryson but was happy to take her. I didn't bring Bryson, just pumped a bottle, since my mom was arriving just as we were ready to leave, and there was a bunch of other stuff, but the time line just worked better to leave him home. Both girls made me feel guilty for leaving - and I REALLY wished I'd brought Bryson the whole time, it was too soon to leave him, even for an hour. In any case, I made the best of it, and enjoyed the service, and the reason for the season.
When I got home, I filled stockings and played Santa and it was a blast. But bedtime didn't come until after midnight.
Christmas morning stocking opening was a lot of fun. Unfortunately we got the sad news mid morning that Sabine's grandmother in Poland had passed away. Although she was sad, she managed to enjoy giving and opening presents and eating a ham dinner with the family. Please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers this week as they make the arrangements and travel from Germany to Poland.
Christmas ended with playing a game that Matt got for us, it was 8:20 and it felt like midnight. Sabine and I both went to bed before 9. I'd been up since 5:45am, feeding Bryson and then with the girls for stockings and somehow there just wasn't time in the day for a nap for me.
Saturday my mom left to take Matt to Eugene and meet his girlfriend and her family. We decided to get out of the house and go to zoo lights. It was fun. AND COLD! It was interesting, our first family excursion. Bryson decided to spit up big for the first time, all over me. Then he had a blow out. Finding 3 warm outfits for him that fit are one thing, and finding three warm outfits for ME that fit was quite the challenge, so it basically felt like I was wearing PJ bottoms to zoo lights, but whatever, we got out the door only an hour and 15 minutes later than planned! Besides being so cold we really enjoyed it. And Lawrence made yummy meal number 3 - cream of potato soup - for when we got home.
Yesterday I took Sabine and the three kids to church. It was interesting. I preferred it to missing them so much on Thursday night, but it was a lot since Lily's class wasn't going due to teachers being on vacation. It was a pretty fun sermon, since so many kids were in attendance. It was also shorter than usual. I enjoyed it a lot and so did the kids. Lily ended up going to the end portion of Addie's class and being the helper! Bryson got to meet our friends the Chappelle's. By "meet" I mean stay sleeping in his carseat while they peak at what little face of his is showing. We took the tree down, and it felt like we cleaned the house all day. I tried to nap all day too, but Bryson was not in the mood for that. As soon as I would get him swaddled and laid down, I would lay down and he would start fussing.
Today FINALLY I got to have a nap, a good nap, waking up and forgetting where I was nap. Ahhh. Then Bryson slept for another hour so I got up and played a promised game with Lily too!
Today our little guy is 2 weeks old. He had a check up. He is now 8lbs 8oz, so he is gaining very well. His circumcision was looking good although there was one little piece of skin that was fusing together that had to be seperated with a scary looking tool. Ig. We did not enjoy that. He did so much better at the dr this time than at his 4 day, when he screamed bloody murder the whole time. He has a goopy eye which is just a clogged tear duct, to be fixed with a warm wash cloth. He's also getting some baby acne, so it's nice...this week he gets to start meeting people and he looks HOT! Then my mom, Bryson, and I went to Babies R Us and bought a few things. It was my first time being there since even getting PREGNANT with him. Can you imagine? I think I was there at least 400 times with my pregnancy with Lily.
Alright, I hear Bryson fussing, I have a lot more pictures to post and some more thoughtful blogs to write, but in the meantime, I hope you enjoyed the "what we did this Christmas" blog. I just nursed and need to go sleep. More soon. Here are a few pictures...
Christmas Morning, Addie in her new monkey PJs from Sabine and showing each thing out of her stocking. She was SO excited about each and everything as she pulled it out. 
My THREE CHILDREN on Christmas Morning!!
These are in backwards order. The stockings all full and ready for opening...all 8 of them with my mom and matt's!
Sabine and Bryson
Baby's first Christmas...on his due date...10 days old!
The six of us at zoo lights!Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Foreskin update
All went pretty well and pretty uneventful today. The doctor was very nice and very confident and explained everything in detail and we felt good about his bedside manner. It took about 25 minutes, he said Bryson's penis looked totally normal and that there wasn't a lot of foreskin. Anyway, I said in the exam room and Lawrence, doc, and Bryson went to the procedure room. I spent my time texting with a couple of friends and passing the time. Thank goodness for that. I was in knots. When they came back Bryson was breathing as though he'd been screaming his head off. I tried to get him to nurse and he did a little, but fell asleep. Lawrence had to go back to work. I cuddled him for a while and then put him in the car seat. He was not happy with that, but fell back asleep pretty quickly.
Then I braved the mall for one last traditional personalized gift that I couldn't get beforehand because I needed to know if Bryson would be here or not to finish it. Then I went to Walgreens for vaseline and gauze. His pee pee looks red and small but...he'll be okay, just have to be very careful about changing him and keeping the vaseline and gauze on for the next few days. Bryson slept the whole day almost. I'm so exhausted. I didn't have a stroller as the mall trip was a little impromptu and I didn't realize it until I got there, and already found a great parking spot. So I carried him, in the car seat. I think I overdid it but I couldn't not have this family gift. Everyone is downstairs hangining stockings and I am resting and writing this. It might be a long night, or not, it's hard to say.
Thank you for my texting friends, and thanks for all the advice! I feel a little overdramatic. But that's how I feel! Sigh, it's over, done, and it seems like I'm the only one left with some trauma! I guess that's a mama's job...
Then I braved the mall for one last traditional personalized gift that I couldn't get beforehand because I needed to know if Bryson would be here or not to finish it. Then I went to Walgreens for vaseline and gauze. His pee pee looks red and small but...he'll be okay, just have to be very careful about changing him and keeping the vaseline and gauze on for the next few days. Bryson slept the whole day almost. I'm so exhausted. I didn't have a stroller as the mall trip was a little impromptu and I didn't realize it until I got there, and already found a great parking spot. So I carried him, in the car seat. I think I overdid it but I couldn't not have this family gift. Everyone is downstairs hangining stockings and I am resting and writing this. It might be a long night, or not, it's hard to say.
Thank you for my texting friends, and thanks for all the advice! I feel a little overdramatic. But that's how I feel! Sigh, it's over, done, and it seems like I'm the only one left with some trauma! I guess that's a mama's job...
Nine days = Foreskin removal appt
Unless you are a grandma or an aunt or somehow have an extra minute 15 on your hands to do nothing, you probably won't find this video very interesting. It is of Bryson doing nothing. He is awake and calm and has been all morning. It's new for me and him, because he is usually a little agitated while awake, rooting and grunting. He is doing a little of that here, but mostly he is awake and calm and it's beautiful. We've spent the morning snuggling and cuddling and he's been awake just looking at me. It's been awesome. We bathed him last night and he smells so good. All night while he nursed I smelled his neck crevass. I never imagined myself loving the smell of a neck crevass so much. A friend reminded me last night what a blessing a healthy baby is (not that I needed it) and what a blessing Bryson is and all night as I got up to nurse him, I remembered that and tried to drink him in as much as I could. Rather than thinking about how tired (AND COLD!) I was, I thought about how blessed I am, that I have a healthy baby who my body is providing LOTS of milk for. And a yummy neck crevass ** to boot.
**Using "neck crevass" 3 times in one paragraph, must be a personal record, have I ever even used that term before? I'm thinking, no.
We have an appt with the pediatrician at noon to get Bryson circumcised and I'm feeling very apprehensive. My husband is so helpful by saying, "It will be okay" then LEAVING THE ROOM. Awww, now that I have that sweetness to go on, I'm feeling SO MUCH BETTER! I guess I'd rather have only one of us be the worrier in this marriage, but sometimes a little more compassion for the one of us who spends so much time worrying from the one who NEVER EVER WORRIES would be nice! :)
In one way, I'm wishing that the dr will say it still isn't ready (read - big enought) and he can't perform the procedure, but I know that just buys time and he will have to have it done at some point so it might as well be sooner rather than later. Most pediatricians don't do it after 2 weeks, so that gives us until Monday at the latest. I can't imagine if my son had to have a REAL serious procedure done, and how much anguish I'd feel, as I wring my hands over a basic and standard one.
As a little boy with a Jewish daddy and a Jewish grandpa, this is an important rite of passage for Bryson's little penis. Though we are not doing a Bris, it is still of course very important to Lawrence that his son be circumsized. So we have never even considered not doing it.
But I look at the small percentage of risk, coupled with the fact that the hospital wouldn't do it, and I feel sick with worry.
I guess with having only girls, I underestimated how easy it was not to have to do this!
Enough said on that. I've also posted the pictures that went with yesterday's post, now that I have them downloaded. I considered waiting to post it until I had it all together, but am learning if I wait for things to be perfect, they will never get done. :)
Bryson is sleeping and I have one hour to get us ready for our second pediatrician appt and second outing this week, I'm really enjoying being a total homebody, no feelings of stir crazy at all. I could stay couped up in our little home with him for weeks. Thankfully, Lawrence will meet me at the pediatrician's office to be with Bryson during the procedure so that I can leave the room if I need to. Let's face it, I'm no good during vacinations, so I'm realistic about how this will go down for me.
Here is a short snippet about the Jewish faith and circumcision:
I hope it's okay that we are one day late and doing it at the dr's office-I know it's not quite the same, but it's not like we are strict Jewish law followers anyway. We are just doing our best to incorporate the peices of our separate faiths that are important to us into our children's lives and helping them to feel seamless and not separate. I think it is very special that my children are Jewish by birth, and they will be raised to know how much God loves them, regardless of what laws they follow.The Origin of Bris Milah
Times change. Styles change. But some things never change: Bris Milah is one of them. It is a bond between God and the Jewish nation for all time. It is a bond that can never be broken.
When our forefather Abraham reached the ripe old age of 99 years (Genesis 17) the Almighty promised him that his descendants would have a special relationship with their Creator. This would forever be symbolized by the Bris Milah (Covenant of Circumcision). "This will be a sign of the covenant between Me and you".
Abraham circumcised himself as well as all the men of his household. When his son Isaac was born, he too, underwent Bris Milah on the eighth day, as Divinely specified.
Throughout the generations the Jewish people have been unyielding in performing this mitzvah. Bris Milah was often performed in secret, defying innumerable despots and hostile regimes. Spain during the Inquisition, Nazi Germany, Communist Russia, and ancient Greece and Rome all tried to ban Bris Milah. They understood correctly that this distinctive rite is the cornerstone of the Jewish faith, and that proscribing it would be the first step towards eliminating our nation.
The Jewish people, non-observant as well as observant, are uncompromising on this issue. They recognize that in order for their children to survive as Jews, they must induct them into the Divine covenant of Bris Milah.
I'll update later with how it went, so check back if you want...
FYI - I just googled foreskin removal on line and got some photos of it being done. Bad idea.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Things that make me smile
I smile a lot these days, and I haven't written enough about that.
The sound of Bryson gulping while nursing with a pain free latch and no nipple shield.
The sound of Addie belly laughing. She still sounds just like she did as a baby and when she really gets going, it is infectious.
Lily holding Bryson and singing a made up song to him about how wonderful babies are. I resisted the urge to go get the video camera because I knew she'd go from big sis singing to little bro to a clown dancing on stage! :) But I'll hold the sweetness of it in my heart.
Addie doing tap dance and ballet, by doing the same dance and either yelling "tap tap tap" or "bayay bayay bayay"
Watching the girls dote over Bryson, even when they might or might not be on the verge of endangering him... :) (not really)
Walking downstairs to a picked up living room and clean kitchen that I didn't do. Sabine always takes the first part of the girls down time to do this, and, at a time when the house would be falling apart around me, the sound of a running dishwasher and sight of a clean sink that I didn't load made me smile. Reason 1001 that she makes my life so much easier and I'll be forever grateful to her that I can enjoy this time getting to know my baby boy without worrying about the failings of a messy home.
Addie wanting to put the diapers in the diaper champ and calling it "my job" taking her job very seriously. I now put the diapers on the floor in a ball so she can do her "job".
Lily laughing so hard she fell down when Addie said "By-on has poopie in his belly button"...because it does kind of look like it.
Sweet and thoughtful emails.
A picture of myself with my family that I absolutely love.
Softer breasts. I made it through engorgement!
Bryson's 15 different expressions that he makes while I try and burp him sitting up, leaning forward on my hand, from scrunched to mad, to worried, to smiling, to eyebrows lifted, forehead wrinkled, to sound asleep, all in a 10 second span. I can't get a picture to capture how beautiful he is to me, and I know I never will.
The fact that I got a blog written today and have about 1.5 hrs before B will eat again, so it's nap time for me (ya know, maybe, I am not in charge right now, but there is promise of a nap to be).
Listening to Lawrence say "son" as often as possible to his son.
Listening to Lawrence talk to Bryson, no matter what he is saying, melts me.
I am in love with my new little man, I'm in love with my old big man, I love my girls and Sabine.
My life makes me smile.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
The ups and downs of Six Days Old!
Me and my sweet boy. Six days old.
Hanukkah 2009 will be a very special one to us all. Especially the 4th night! 
No one in the family could find Bryson when I "hid" him yesterday. This cracked me up to no end. I guess hormones have a silly side to them also!
A glorious night on Friday night, when I left dad and son sleeping downstairs and snuck up to bed alone!
Lily and Bryson - Day 3, you can see his poor little chaffed chin from all the sucking and rooting. Luckily, this is almost better and he just has his red little stork bite under his nose. This got worse and for a while he had a red goatie! :)
One advantage of pumping and bottling a few feedings, the girls got to feed him, something they both totally enjoyed! This is not a great picture of B - but every time I look at it I laugh! When he is not beautiful and sleeping, he is red faced and rooting, usually with something to suck on right in front of his face, yet he can't find it!
Addie feeding her baby brotherToday Bryson is six days old and already I can't imagine life without him. Nursing is going a little better, engorgement has not subsided yet, but with the help of the pump, the nipple shield, a pep talk from Laurie about how soon this will be easier, and some great natural healing butter, things are feeling a little better. He's back to a schedule of eating every 2-3 hours, but still takes his sweet time eating, falling asleep and waking up while eating meaning that feeding sessions can last over an hour sometimes.
Having our family time this weekend has been very nice, though the girls are not pleased when Bryson and I sneak away for an afternoon nap. Addie said, "No mama go lay down, dat makes me sad". :(
Lily could care less if I go take a nap, she just wants Bryson to stay downstairs with them. Usually I go in our room, lock the door, turn on the white noise machine, and the two of us get a great nap without a sound from "the outside". This morning I did leave Bryson downstairs, and he slept in the swing for an hour...leaving Lawrence with his first time managing 3 children, and even though he didn't even pick Bryson up, there is a new level of interference - making sure the girls don't mall him or turn the swing up to a 10 launching him accross the room. He's still almost too small for the belts on the swing.
Yesterday was a rough day for me, I was feeling pretty emotional. I know that the hormones are to blame, but all the craziness feels the same regardless of the cause. I bit Lawrence's head off last night for making a comment about me choosing this for breast feeding, when I complained jokingly about the soreness and tiredness. I felt sad and unsupported, even though he has been nothing but kind and very supportive. Hormones are crazy things. I knew I was acting and feeling irrational, but I couldn't turn it off. I cried and cried thinking he didn't appreciate me...thinking (and unfortunately SAYING) 'should we just not have babies because there is discomfort???' Crazy right. Oh well, we apologized and forgave each other and didn't go to bed mad and I got a very clean kitchen out of the deal as my "therapy" while I was pissed.
Since I've opened the crazy door...I guess I can share a little more. I cried yesterday because I was using pink burb clothes for my son - thinking how unprepared I was making a BOY spit up on PINK, I cried the day before because I forgot the packet from the hospital that I was supposed to bring to Bryson's 2 day appt, and I've snapped at the girls more times than I'd like to count. If I was outside of my body, I would shake my head at my passive aggressive behavior with them. Speaking in a kind voice and saying "sweetie" while I scold for something not scold-worthy. Sigh. Today I'm feeling better. For the moment that is. Everyone naps and I blog. I know I should nap too, but B will likely wake up any minute to eat and if I only sleep for 15 minutes I feel like a zombie.
We got pictures taken of Bryson by Christina Gilchrist. She took maternity photos of me with Addie, then Addie's newborn photos, then Addie's one year old photos. We haven't used her since, and have been meaning too, but money has been so tight. She gave a great deal because we are returning clients and because we have referred several friends her way. She came to our house and it is such an easy way to have photos taken. Lucky for me, I had a REALLY clean kitchen, see how things always work out? If I wasn't crazy it would have been a mess with last night's dinner pans still on the stove!
I think the photos will be wonderful. Lily and Bryson cooperated perfectly...Addie not so much - but she's so cute-I'm sure they are fine with her scowling at the camera. I'm sure we got some super cute ones of Bryson and that's what matters most because these are the photos that we can never get back and would never attempt on our own. Naked, bundled photos, they will be great. Of course I will post them once I get them from her, probably at least a week.
Today leaves me thinking and praying for Margaret. She had to say good bye to her sweet and only son too soon at six days old. Because today I know and I FEEL how you can love a baby boy fully and eternally after only six days with him, and I weep for her loss. Margaret, I hope when/if you read this you take it in the true spirit that it is written. With complete love and sympathy, remembering your son, Calvin. I hold you in my heart, as I have on many days as of lately. Day after day, you offer me kind and supportive words, you make me smile and cry, and I just love you for that.
Thank you all again for your love and support, it is amazing. Now if it could just make dinners, put my clean laundry away, and makes breasts smaller, it would REALLY rock. :) Honestly, I think I know the best people ever.
Here is a picture of Bryson today. If I got pictures this cute with my point and shoot, imagine how cute CG pics will be.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Love / Hate with the pump
I don't have this nostalgic feeling about breastfeeding. Maybe it is because of the rocky start I had with Lily and her painful latch, maybe it is because of all the pumping and washing and sterilizing once I return to work, maybe it is because I do not enjoy, nor am I good at feeding my baby out of the house on my breast discreetly, because I have an insane amount of spraying milk.
So needless I say, breastfeeding wasn't one of the things I was looking forward to about having another baby.
Don't get my wrong, I have had my fair share of wonderful, peaceful, bonding moments with my babies while nursing them. I GET why some of you love this part of motherhood. It's just not my favorite part, and by the time I get to the stage that nursing gets easy, I have to introduce the pump and things aren't easier again.
So I have a love/hate relationship with the pump. It has allowed me to exclusively nurse my two girls for a total of 17 months before supplementing with formula, and keeping them on breast milk for a year each. This time I was hoping I would not start that relationship quite yet.
But it arrived today. My breasts are the size of a pornstar...bigger even, and Bryson can't get a good latch to save his life. I'm in so much pain while he is eating and last night he wasn't even able to get a full feed, simply because he could not get his mouth around my gynomous jugs. So he was up eating every hour and today my nipples are left sore and cracked and bleeding. Awesome visuals I'm giving I know. Bleeding pornstar boobs. Nice.
I came up with a game plan today to give myself a break, and it required breaking out the pump a few weeks (months?) earlier than I'd planned. So he's eaten 3 - 3oz bottles, going 3 hrs between feedings and it reminds me why new moms give up on nursing so easily. When in this much pain, this is SO much easier. Even to pump the milk for each feeding, practically painlessly. Of course, I believe wholeheartly in breastfeeding for my children. It's very important to me to do this for a year and I believe that for them this is the best I can give them. So I won't quit, I won't give up, I'll even try not to feel guilty about pumping and bottling feeling so good and for not enjoying breastfeeding as much as I think I should. I know it will get easier, it's just hard to see that right now in pain. Anytime we are in pain, emotionally or physically, it's hard to remember what it feels like to not be in pain and that you will feel that way again, soon, even.
For tonight I'm not looking forward to going back to "regular feedings" but I know that in a few days, my boobs will just be normal huge not THIS huge and I won't have swelling up to my collar bone.
So, thank you Medela Pump In Style, Backpack On the Go Version. I do love you, especially today when you gave me a break, without compromising the feeding for my baby. But in a few months when I am lugging you back and forth to the office and steriizing you day in and day out, don't take it personally if I also hate you!
****
Bryson Update from the dr appt Friday
Wt: 7 lbs 11 oz (up from hospital discharge low two days ago of 7 lbs 6 oz)
Penis: Not too small (at least she doesn't think so), making an appt with the other pediatrician to do a circumcision, hopefully next week - The lactation consultant said that the penis wasn't small just the foreskin. :) Bryson AND dad liked her a lot.
Scrotum: Some extra fluid in it that will likely be absorbed but she will be watching it.
She gave me some cream to put on his chaffed chin from sucking, rooting, and sucking so hard on his pacifier.
Overall very pleased with his growth
He screamed and cried the entire time, did not like being naked, or poked, and wanted to eat.
So needless I say, breastfeeding wasn't one of the things I was looking forward to about having another baby.
Don't get my wrong, I have had my fair share of wonderful, peaceful, bonding moments with my babies while nursing them. I GET why some of you love this part of motherhood. It's just not my favorite part, and by the time I get to the stage that nursing gets easy, I have to introduce the pump and things aren't easier again.
So I have a love/hate relationship with the pump. It has allowed me to exclusively nurse my two girls for a total of 17 months before supplementing with formula, and keeping them on breast milk for a year each. This time I was hoping I would not start that relationship quite yet.
But it arrived today. My breasts are the size of a pornstar...bigger even, and Bryson can't get a good latch to save his life. I'm in so much pain while he is eating and last night he wasn't even able to get a full feed, simply because he could not get his mouth around my gynomous jugs. So he was up eating every hour and today my nipples are left sore and cracked and bleeding. Awesome visuals I'm giving I know. Bleeding pornstar boobs. Nice.
I came up with a game plan today to give myself a break, and it required breaking out the pump a few weeks (months?) earlier than I'd planned. So he's eaten 3 - 3oz bottles, going 3 hrs between feedings and it reminds me why new moms give up on nursing so easily. When in this much pain, this is SO much easier. Even to pump the milk for each feeding, practically painlessly. Of course, I believe wholeheartly in breastfeeding for my children. It's very important to me to do this for a year and I believe that for them this is the best I can give them. So I won't quit, I won't give up, I'll even try not to feel guilty about pumping and bottling feeling so good and for not enjoying breastfeeding as much as I think I should. I know it will get easier, it's just hard to see that right now in pain. Anytime we are in pain, emotionally or physically, it's hard to remember what it feels like to not be in pain and that you will feel that way again, soon, even.
For tonight I'm not looking forward to going back to "regular feedings" but I know that in a few days, my boobs will just be normal huge not THIS huge and I won't have swelling up to my collar bone.
So, thank you Medela Pump In Style, Backpack On the Go Version. I do love you, especially today when you gave me a break, without compromising the feeding for my baby. But in a few months when I am lugging you back and forth to the office and steriizing you day in and day out, don't take it personally if I also hate you!
****
Bryson Update from the dr appt Friday
Wt: 7 lbs 11 oz (up from hospital discharge low two days ago of 7 lbs 6 oz)
Penis: Not too small (at least she doesn't think so), making an appt with the other pediatrician to do a circumcision, hopefully next week - The lactation consultant said that the penis wasn't small just the foreskin. :) Bryson AND dad liked her a lot.
Scrotum: Some extra fluid in it that will likely be absorbed but she will be watching it.
She gave me some cream to put on his chaffed chin from sucking, rooting, and sucking so hard on his pacifier.
Overall very pleased with his growth
He screamed and cried the entire time, did not like being naked, or poked, and wanted to eat.
Friday, December 18, 2009
To say, I love you
Today as I took a shower (yes on only my second day home from the hospital, not bad, eh? bonus, I got my teeth brushed before 10am too) and this song, which I haven't heard in over a year came into my head. As I wiped the glass of the shower one more time to see if Bryson was still breathing and not choking on spit up in his bassinet right next to the shower door for the umteenth time.
It isn't always the case, but right now it's easy to see and hear how He says, "I love you", to me.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The Lily Tap Show
Since this blog isn't called the Bryson show, I thought I would update some other things happening. Short and sweet, you know that is my specialty. As I mentioned on Tuesday Lily had her last tap class. I didn't get to go as I had promised I would. I could post 10 videos of this day, they are all so cute. Tap is really a good class for Lily and she is super sad that it is over. The first one is her doing the Robot. SO HILARIOUS.
The second one is part of a dance routine to "Ain't never had a friend like me" from Aladdin, they've been working on each class since the beginning. Lily is such a tap dancer! :)
My big girl seems even bigger and my baby girl seems like a big girl now too, what a difference a few days make. At the end of class Addie went out and did tap with Lily too. She is always doing ballet and tap around the house and hopefully we can get her into a class sometime soon.
They really are the sweetest sisters!
She is the one in all pink with black shoes 3rd one from the left.
The second one is part of a dance routine to "Ain't never had a friend like me" from Aladdin, they've been working on each class since the beginning. Lily is such a tap dancer! :)
My big girl seems even bigger and my baby girl seems like a big girl now too, what a difference a few days make. At the end of class Addie went out and did tap with Lily too. She is always doing ballet and tap around the house and hopefully we can get her into a class sometime soon.
They really are the sweetest sisters!
She is the one in all pink with black shoes 3rd one from the left.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
My Three Baby Herman Tongues
Day 2 highlights:
I got some sleep last night between 3-6am and felt pretty good today
Bryson doesn't need to meet with the urologist, but will schedule his circumcision for later in the month once things, uh, grow
We got discharged from the hospital at 11am and I survived getting through it alone. Lawrence came from work and we went straight to my amazing lactation consultant.
Laurie could not believe I had three kids but was happy to help Bryson and me perfect his latch and make things a little less painful for me. (Except for the postpartum contractions...OUCH!)
She said he will be a great nurser, my milk is not in but he got a half oz of colostrum while we were there and she said that was a lot.
We got home and Bryson got to meet his Uncle Matt (my bro). Lily was at school and Addie was napping, so I went directly for a nap and B slept in his carseat next to the bed for 1.5hrs!
Then B and I went down to meet the sisters.
They were SO SO SO excited. It was great. Addie lost interest quickly after saying some cute things that I can't remember. She did give Bryson her "bear bear" the ultimate sign of love in Addie.
Sabine got some pictures of the homecoming and the girls meeting him, but she is out on some MUCH DESERVED time off this evening, so I'll do another homecoming post later.
Bryson is getting very hungry and I expect my milk will come in tonight, so that is good.
He nursed (and I survived with the girls practically on top of us seeing what was going on). Lily kept saying, "there ya go buddy, that's whatcha wanted" and things like that which would have been so cute if I wasn't contracting with a hungry barracuda on my sore nipples at the moment.
At dinner Bryson slept swaddled in the swing with it off (which drives the girls crazy, they want full music and motion if the swing is to be in use).
A few more bedtime cuddles from his sisters, and Bryson and I ate again, a little easier this time.
Right now he sleeps on his daddy, swaddled and cute as a button. Daddy is afraid to move like he is with all his newborns...they look so sweet!
I'm going to feed him around 10:30 and then head to bed. Wish us luck on our first night home.
Many of you keep commenting that you can't believe I am keeping up with this site. Well, for all of you that email me, and facebook me, and blog comment me, and text me, you will notice that I am not replying. This is my way to let you ALL know how it is going, as well as my way to keep up to date a little bit for myself. I appreciate all of your kind words and your happiness for our family. I would love to take the time to get back to you all, and since I can't...I feel better doing an update, because that is what I would really love to do. Anyway, I'm doing it for me and because I really want to keep our families updated. Plus...how could I not want to share all of this wonderful happening to me.
Here are some sibling pictures. I've been waiting so long for these!
I got some sleep last night between 3-6am and felt pretty good today
Bryson doesn't need to meet with the urologist, but will schedule his circumcision for later in the month once things, uh, grow
We got discharged from the hospital at 11am and I survived getting through it alone. Lawrence came from work and we went straight to my amazing lactation consultant.
Laurie could not believe I had three kids but was happy to help Bryson and me perfect his latch and make things a little less painful for me. (Except for the postpartum contractions...OUCH!)
She said he will be a great nurser, my milk is not in but he got a half oz of colostrum while we were there and she said that was a lot.
We got home and Bryson got to meet his Uncle Matt (my bro). Lily was at school and Addie was napping, so I went directly for a nap and B slept in his carseat next to the bed for 1.5hrs!
Then B and I went down to meet the sisters.
They were SO SO SO excited. It was great. Addie lost interest quickly after saying some cute things that I can't remember. She did give Bryson her "bear bear" the ultimate sign of love in Addie.
Sabine got some pictures of the homecoming and the girls meeting him, but she is out on some MUCH DESERVED time off this evening, so I'll do another homecoming post later.
Bryson is getting very hungry and I expect my milk will come in tonight, so that is good.
He nursed (and I survived with the girls practically on top of us seeing what was going on). Lily kept saying, "there ya go buddy, that's whatcha wanted" and things like that which would have been so cute if I wasn't contracting with a hungry barracuda on my sore nipples at the moment.
At dinner Bryson slept swaddled in the swing with it off (which drives the girls crazy, they want full music and motion if the swing is to be in use).
A few more bedtime cuddles from his sisters, and Bryson and I ate again, a little easier this time.
Right now he sleeps on his daddy, swaddled and cute as a button. Daddy is afraid to move like he is with all his newborns...they look so sweet!
I'm going to feed him around 10:30 and then head to bed. Wish us luck on our first night home.
Many of you keep commenting that you can't believe I am keeping up with this site. Well, for all of you that email me, and facebook me, and blog comment me, and text me, you will notice that I am not replying. This is my way to let you ALL know how it is going, as well as my way to keep up to date a little bit for myself. I appreciate all of your kind words and your happiness for our family. I would love to take the time to get back to you all, and since I can't...I feel better doing an update, because that is what I would really love to do. Anyway, I'm doing it for me and because I really want to keep our families updated. Plus...how could I not want to share all of this wonderful happening to me.
Here are some sibling pictures. I've been waiting so long for these!
Happy to meet lil bro!
Welcome Home Bryson poster that Lily made him
The happiest big sister in the world! Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Weighing in on day 1
Today, Bryson met Sabine. She fell in love.
He did not get circumcised today because his penis is too small. hehe. We just have to wait a few days and a urologist will do it! Lawr was THRILLED by this news, the too smallness that is, and made me promise I wouldn't blog about it. heh.
While skyping with the girls, and skype totally sucked today, Lily said, "I love that kid". about Bryson, it was so sweet.
Addie is out of sorts, she was very snugly with Sabine. She keeps saying, "my want Bryson home now". Lily had her last tap class and did grrrreat at the performance for parents. I was sad to have missed it. When she signed up in Sept, Dec 15 sounded like light years away, and now it's today.
B was much more settled today than last night. I had a bout with naseau this morning, I think it was from taking IBprophen on an empty stomach + exhaustion.
B can hear out of both ears!
We'll be getting out of the hospital tomorrow. I'm thankful for the wireless internet here. Lawr took today off work, but stayed last night with the girls and in our comfy bed. I had a tired, restless night with Bryson, but it was good.
Today, he was 7lb 10oz @ 5:15pm when they did a weight check.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Bryson Nathaniel Herman is here
He was born at 6:35 pm on 12/14/09
He is perfect and big at 7lbs 15oz, 19 inches long with a head 13.75 inches.
10 days EARLY!
First CRY!
He hasn't stopped sucking since birth, and is nursing strong.
I'm in love again, but still in disbelief that he is here and I'm a mother of three.
I came to the hospital because my doctor was on call and rather than see a partner of hers, she wanted me to come to the hospital so she could check me out after a weekend of strong contractions. I knew I wasn't in active labor, but decided to still bring my bag, etc, assuming I'd be sent home.
She checked me out and I was at 4 cm and 90%, and she said no way was she sending me home. This is my third baby. That was about 11:30am.
Around 1:30pm my doctor broke my water, and contractions were about 2 minutes apart. I called for the epidural, glad that I didn't need any thing to get my labor going except a small hole in my amniotic sac.
The first attempt at the epidural did not go well. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but he got the epidural in the wrong spot, and my heart rate went very high, I was dizzy and my lips her tingling and I did not feel okay. He had to take out the epidural and redo it. The whole thing was very scary for me, because I really felt like I wasn't going to be okay for a few minutes. Then I cried and cried, even after the epidural was over and all was fine with me and Bryson. I felt wiped out and tired after that, also very shaky. But Robin and Lawrence and I changed the subject and all talked about something else for a while and I relaxed. Lawrence was visibly scared but he did great supporting me.
After 2 perfect, dream epidurals it certainly was less than ideal but it wasn't the end of the world. It took my focus off of labor and my contractions slowed down, so the doc decided to give me a tad of petocin. That seems to work well and I was ready to push around 6. I started pushing at 6:16 and he was born at 6:35.
He didn't cry at first and was pretty purple but then he started to cry and was okay.
Right now, he is laying next to me, pretty unsettled. He is crying a lot when not nursing and just overall not thrilled about being in the world yet. But I'm loving snuggling him and the confidence and ease I have with him. I'm also on a bit of an adrenaline high, but I'm not very tired. I'm physically shaky and exhausted, but not sleepy. Esp since the nurse has to come check my temp in about 45 minutes.
I was able to pee so no catheter this time (I had to have one over night due to a bruised bladder the previous two pregnancies), I was pretty nervous about that, so very relieved.
We got to skype with the girls for a few minutes before bed, and with Lawr's parents. Technology is amazing.
First cuddle!
Can you see the happiness in my face?
the part of our family of 5 allowed at the hospital!
The on call dr who delivered
Posing for my last belly shot! :)
Here was the time line notes from Robin:
10:45a triage
11:30a admitted
1:25p small hole in water
3p contractions picked up
3:30 epidural
4pm -5 cm
4:55 - 6 cm
5pm - start petocin
6:05-complete
6:16-push
6:35 - born!
So far here is what I know about Bryson:
He wants to suck nonstop
He is non discriminatory between a breast, a finger, a pacifier, his hand, his blanket...he'll suck it all
He likes his hands to touch his face at all times
He is very restless (this happens to be great for me and my worrying about him breathing and being safe)
He isn't bothered by being unswaddled and cool like his sisters
His legs look chubby compared to Addie's tiny legs (6lbs2oz)
His hands and feet are BIG
His testicles also are huge
He does not really look like his sisters
He doesn't have much hair, just a lot of fuzz
He has under his nose either a reddish birthmark or a bruise/stork bite that will go away
He hasn't opened his eyes barely at all
He is loved, Loved, LOVED
That's all for now friends. I'm going to get my temp taken and sleep. Thank you so much for your prayers, love, support. Thank you God for giving me another perfect child. I do not deserve this gift and I will do my best to show Your love to him, to them all. A few posts ago, I asked "what is blessed?".
This.
Is blessed.
He is perfect and big at 7lbs 15oz, 19 inches long with a head 13.75 inches.
10 days EARLY!
First CRY!He hasn't stopped sucking since birth, and is nursing strong.
I'm in love again, but still in disbelief that he is here and I'm a mother of three.
I came to the hospital because my doctor was on call and rather than see a partner of hers, she wanted me to come to the hospital so she could check me out after a weekend of strong contractions. I knew I wasn't in active labor, but decided to still bring my bag, etc, assuming I'd be sent home.
She checked me out and I was at 4 cm and 90%, and she said no way was she sending me home. This is my third baby. That was about 11:30am.
Around 1:30pm my doctor broke my water, and contractions were about 2 minutes apart. I called for the epidural, glad that I didn't need any thing to get my labor going except a small hole in my amniotic sac.
The first attempt at the epidural did not go well. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but he got the epidural in the wrong spot, and my heart rate went very high, I was dizzy and my lips her tingling and I did not feel okay. He had to take out the epidural and redo it. The whole thing was very scary for me, because I really felt like I wasn't going to be okay for a few minutes. Then I cried and cried, even after the epidural was over and all was fine with me and Bryson. I felt wiped out and tired after that, also very shaky. But Robin and Lawrence and I changed the subject and all talked about something else for a while and I relaxed. Lawrence was visibly scared but he did great supporting me.
After 2 perfect, dream epidurals it certainly was less than ideal but it wasn't the end of the world. It took my focus off of labor and my contractions slowed down, so the doc decided to give me a tad of petocin. That seems to work well and I was ready to push around 6. I started pushing at 6:16 and he was born at 6:35.
He didn't cry at first and was pretty purple but then he started to cry and was okay.
Right now, he is laying next to me, pretty unsettled. He is crying a lot when not nursing and just overall not thrilled about being in the world yet. But I'm loving snuggling him and the confidence and ease I have with him. I'm also on a bit of an adrenaline high, but I'm not very tired. I'm physically shaky and exhausted, but not sleepy. Esp since the nurse has to come check my temp in about 45 minutes.
I was able to pee so no catheter this time (I had to have one over night due to a bruised bladder the previous two pregnancies), I was pretty nervous about that, so very relieved.
We got to skype with the girls for a few minutes before bed, and with Lawr's parents. Technology is amazing.
Here are some totally out of order pics...
Dr Simpson arriving...she left for an errand 15 minutes before I was complete, planning to come back after a meeting, and will be so disappointed not to have delivered him.
My friend and Doula, Robin Rose - THANK YOU!
tired and proud daddy
Long toes!
Dr Simpson arriving...she left for an errand 15 minutes before I was complete, planning to come back after a meeting, and will be so disappointed not to have delivered him.
My friend and Doula, Robin Rose - THANK YOU!
tired and proud daddy
Long toes!
First cuddle!
Can you see the happiness in my face?
the part of our family of 5 allowed at the hospital!
The on call dr who delivered 
Posing for my last belly shot! :)Here was the time line notes from Robin:
10:45a triage
11:30a admitted
1:25p small hole in water
3p contractions picked up
3:30 epidural
4pm -5 cm
4:55 - 6 cm
5pm - start petocin
6:05-complete
6:16-push
6:35 - born!
So far here is what I know about Bryson:
He wants to suck nonstop
He is non discriminatory between a breast, a finger, a pacifier, his hand, his blanket...he'll suck it all
He likes his hands to touch his face at all times
He is very restless (this happens to be great for me and my worrying about him breathing and being safe)
He isn't bothered by being unswaddled and cool like his sisters
His legs look chubby compared to Addie's tiny legs (6lbs2oz)
His hands and feet are BIG
His testicles also are huge
He does not really look like his sisters
He doesn't have much hair, just a lot of fuzz
He has under his nose either a reddish birthmark or a bruise/stork bite that will go away
He hasn't opened his eyes barely at all
He is loved, Loved, LOVED
That's all for now friends. I'm going to get my temp taken and sleep. Thank you so much for your prayers, love, support. Thank you God for giving me another perfect child. I do not deserve this gift and I will do my best to show Your love to him, to them all. A few posts ago, I asked "what is blessed?".
This.
Is blessed.
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