Sunday, December 20, 2009

The ups and downs of Six Days Old!

Me and my sweet boy. Six days old.
Hanukkah 2009 will be a very special one to us all. Especially the 4th night!
No one in the family could find Bryson when I "hid" him yesterday. This cracked me up to no end. I guess hormones have a silly side to them also!
A glorious night on Friday night, when I left dad and son sleeping downstairs and snuck up to bed alone!
Lily and Bryson - Day 3, you can see his poor little chaffed chin from all the sucking and rooting. Luckily, this is almost better and he just has his red little stork bite under his nose. This got worse and for a while he had a red goatie! :)
One advantage of pumping and bottling a few feedings, the girls got to feed him, something they both totally enjoyed! This is not a great picture of B - but every time I look at it I laugh! When he is not beautiful and sleeping, he is red faced and rooting, usually with something to suck on right in front of his face, yet he can't find it!
Addie feeding her baby brother

Today Bryson is six days old and already I can't imagine life without him. Nursing is going a little better, engorgement has not subsided yet, but with the help of the pump, the nipple shield, a pep talk from Laurie about how soon this will be easier, and some great natural healing butter, things are feeling a little better. He's back to a schedule of eating every 2-3 hours, but still takes his sweet time eating, falling asleep and waking up while eating meaning that feeding sessions can last over an hour sometimes.

Having our family time this weekend has been very nice, though the girls are not pleased when Bryson and I sneak away for an afternoon nap. Addie said, "No mama go lay down, dat makes me sad". :(

Lily could care less if I go take a nap, she just wants Bryson to stay downstairs with them. Usually I go in our room, lock the door, turn on the white noise machine, and the two of us get a great nap without a sound from "the outside". This morning I did leave Bryson downstairs, and he slept in the swing for an hour...leaving Lawrence with his first time managing 3 children, and even though he didn't even pick Bryson up, there is a new level of interference - making sure the girls don't mall him or turn the swing up to a 10 launching him accross the room. He's still almost too small for the belts on the swing.

Yesterday was a rough day for me, I was feeling pretty emotional. I know that the hormones are to blame, but all the craziness feels the same regardless of the cause. I bit Lawrence's head off last night for making a comment about me choosing this for breast feeding, when I complained jokingly about the soreness and tiredness. I felt sad and unsupported, even though he has been nothing but kind and very supportive. Hormones are crazy things. I knew I was acting and feeling irrational, but I couldn't turn it off. I cried and cried thinking he didn't appreciate me...thinking (and unfortunately SAYING) 'should we just not have babies because there is discomfort???' Crazy right. Oh well, we apologized and forgave each other and didn't go to bed mad and I got a very clean kitchen out of the deal as my "therapy" while I was pissed.

Since I've opened the crazy door...I guess I can share a little more. I cried yesterday because I was using pink burb clothes for my son - thinking how unprepared I was making a BOY spit up on PINK, I cried the day before because I forgot the packet from the hospital that I was supposed to bring to Bryson's 2 day appt, and I've snapped at the girls more times than I'd like to count. If I was outside of my body, I would shake my head at my passive aggressive behavior with them. Speaking in a kind voice and saying "sweetie" while I scold for something not scold-worthy. Sigh. Today I'm feeling better. For the moment that is. Everyone naps and I blog. I know I should nap too, but B will likely wake up any minute to eat and if I only sleep for 15 minutes I feel like a zombie.

We got pictures taken of Bryson by Christina Gilchrist. She took maternity photos of me with Addie, then Addie's newborn photos, then Addie's one year old photos. We haven't used her since, and have been meaning too, but money has been so tight. She gave a great deal because we are returning clients and because we have referred several friends her way. She came to our house and it is such an easy way to have photos taken. Lucky for me, I had a REALLY clean kitchen, see how things always work out? If I wasn't crazy it would have been a mess with last night's dinner pans still on the stove!

I think the photos will be wonderful. Lily and Bryson cooperated perfectly...Addie not so much - but she's so cute-I'm sure they are fine with her scowling at the camera. I'm sure we got some super cute ones of Bryson and that's what matters most because these are the photos that we can never get back and would never attempt on our own. Naked, bundled photos, they will be great. Of course I will post them once I get them from her, probably at least a week.

Today leaves me thinking and praying for Margaret. She had to say good bye to her sweet and only son too soon at six days old. Because today I know and I FEEL how you can love a baby boy fully and eternally after only six days with him, and I weep for her loss. Margaret, I hope when/if you read this you take it in the true spirit that it is written. With complete love and sympathy, remembering your son, Calvin. I hold you in my heart, as I have on many days as of lately. Day after day, you offer me kind and supportive words, you make me smile and cry, and I just love you for that.

Thank you all again for your love and support, it is amazing. Now if it could just make dinners, put my clean laundry away, and makes breasts smaller, it would REALLY rock. :) Honestly, I think I know the best people ever.

Here is a picture of Bryson today. If I got pictures this cute with my point and shoot, imagine how cute CG pics will be.


  1. Thank you Jenny, your post made me cry. It is so amazing how much love a mother has for her child, whether that child comes into the world silently, only stays a few days or whether you have a lifetime together. Words cannot describe the bond and the incredible feeling of sorrow at the loss of a child. I love my son today as much as the day he wass born even though it's been over a year since I held him, smelled his sweet smell and ran my lips over his soft skin. You really have a beautiful heart, your children are so blessed to have you as their mother. I'd like to believe that our children choose us to be their parents before they are conceived, that our love fulfills what they are searching for and sometimes like in Calvin's case, he chose me to be his mother knowing that in doing so, he would have to come to me in a broken body. I loved him every second he was alive with everything I had and although his time here wasn't enough for me, I hope I gave him enough love in those six days to last until we see each other again. Thank you for thinking of me, I think of you often, remembering the joys of quiet moments with my newborn son and the feeling of overwhelming love and gratitude I had in those moments. I hope through the chaos, the problems breastfeeding and the adjustment of your hormones that in those quiet moments with Bryson that your love for each other blossoms into something so beautiful that nothing can come between you. His pictures are beautiful, God Bless your family. Hugs

  2. I love these pictures! You and Bryson both look wonderful! The picture of Addie trying to feed him is adorable. You are doing such an awesome job as a Mommy to 3 kids now. I love you and wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah.

  3. Jenny,

    I'm glad I finally had a few minutes to read your blog. You are a good writer and describe everything so well (and real). It brings back memories ... I will come back and read more as time allows.
    Love you always, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah to your family,