I don't have this nostalgic feeling about breastfeeding. Maybe it is because of the rocky start I had with Lily and her painful latch, maybe it is because of all the pumping and washing and sterilizing once I return to work, maybe it is because I do not enjoy, nor am I good at feeding my baby out of the house on my breast discreetly, because I have an insane amount of spraying milk.
So needless I say, breastfeeding wasn't one of the things I was looking forward to about having another baby.
Don't get my wrong, I have had my fair share of wonderful, peaceful, bonding moments with my babies while nursing them. I GET why some of you love this part of motherhood. It's just not my favorite part, and by the time I get to the stage that nursing gets easy, I have to introduce the pump and things aren't easier again.
So I have a love/hate relationship with the pump. It has allowed me to exclusively nurse my two girls for a total of 17 months before supplementing with formula, and keeping them on breast milk for a year each. This time I was hoping I would not start that relationship quite yet.
But it arrived today. My breasts are the size of a pornstar...bigger even, and Bryson can't get a good latch to save his life. I'm in so much pain while he is eating and last night he wasn't even able to get a full feed, simply because he could not get his mouth around my gynomous jugs. So he was up eating every hour and today my nipples are left sore and cracked and bleeding. Awesome visuals I'm giving I know. Bleeding pornstar boobs. Nice.
I came up with a game plan today to give myself a break, and it required breaking out the pump a few weeks (months?) earlier than I'd planned. So he's eaten 3 - 3oz bottles, going 3 hrs between feedings and it reminds me why new moms give up on nursing so easily. When in this much pain, this is SO much easier. Even to pump the milk for each feeding, practically painlessly. Of course, I believe wholeheartly in breastfeeding for my children. It's very important to me to do this for a year and I believe that for them this is the best I can give them. So I won't quit, I won't give up, I'll even try not to feel guilty about pumping and bottling feeling so good and for not enjoying breastfeeding as much as I think I should. I know it will get easier, it's just hard to see that right now in pain. Anytime we are in pain, emotionally or physically, it's hard to remember what it feels like to not be in pain and that you will feel that way again, soon, even.
For tonight I'm not looking forward to going back to "regular feedings" but I know that in a few days, my boobs will just be normal huge not THIS huge and I won't have swelling up to my collar bone.
So, thank you Medela Pump In Style, Backpack On the Go Version. I do love you, especially today when you gave me a break, without compromising the feeding for my baby. But in a few months when I am lugging you back and forth to the office and steriizing you day in and day out, don't take it personally if I also hate you!
Bryson Update from the dr appt Friday
Wt: 7 lbs 11 oz (up from hospital discharge low two days ago of 7 lbs 6 oz)
Penis: Not too small (at least she doesn't think so), making an appt with the other pediatrician to do a circumcision, hopefully next week - The lactation consultant said that the penis wasn't small just the foreskin. :) Bryson AND dad liked her a lot.
Scrotum: Some extra fluid in it that will likely be absorbed but she will be watching it.
She gave me some cream to put on his chaffed chin from sucking, rooting, and sucking so hard on his pacifier.
Overall very pleased with his growth
He screamed and cried the entire time, did not like being naked, or poked, and wanted to eat.