Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Hello, friend - It's been a while

Today is a work from home day, the first in a few weeks, my audit is nearing a close, and I'm drowning a little less.  There is no way to catch up on all the blogs I've missed writing since December, but that might not be the worst thing.  For the first time in my life, I felt a real and severe depression, and it wasn't what I expected depression would feel like.  It was going on for a few months before I even realized it was what was happening.  I was prescribed some meds, but ended up not taking them, I did however start seeing a counselor to try to learn to work through some of life's stresses in a healthier way, understand Who I was living for, and ultimately how to find some peace for myself, before even, my family.

So maybe I'm kind of glad that I didn't blog every sad day of the last 6 months, but I know I missed recording a bunch of the happy stuff too.  I've been alone, mostly.  Just me and my family.  I've exchanged some emails with friends, and a couple of quick conversations, but mostly I've been isolated, and work has been my "me" time.  Being lonely makes a girl do a whole lot of thinking and praying.  Friends say things to me like, "Oh, Jenny, I wish I'd known, I wish you'd called me", but the truth is, I don't and haven't even felt like talking about it.  And that's part of why I stopped blogging.  I didn't feel like writing about the way our (read my) life was going day in and day out. 

I am so grateful to our moms, my brother, and to the few friends who I did stay in touch with over the past few months.  For those that didn't put the pressure on me to be more or do more than I could.  For those that sent me encouraging emails and gchats about how I could make it through.  On Feb 1st I started exercising again.  I started with the 30 day shred in 35 days, and then I've kept up with this unlikely group of 7 on a private blog, what started at a group of about 20, quickly dwindled, all from various walks of life, the 7 of us write in each day to say that we did or did not exercise, and set our weekly goals, talk about how much water we drank, you know, exciting stuff.  Through all of this, exercise and daily endorphins (along with the daily encouragement of those 7 amazing inspiring ladies) have got me through.  The last month, I haven't met the goals I've set for myself, but I have run two 5Ks and I am still working out about 4 times a week.  It's good.  I have to let good be enough.  Lawrence is a super dad.  I am so thankful to him for doing so much for the kids and the house when I've been absent or useless.  I'm also to blessed to have our AuPair, Julia, who loves the kids so unconditionally, they miss me when I work long days, but I never ever have to worry about them, because they know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they are loved.  So loved!

Lawrence coached Lily's T-ball team, and last night was the last game.  We had a party after and he passed out trophies.  I was so proud of my man, as I watched him get his photo with each beaming kid, and listened to their parents thank him profusely (the way I do for both of the girls' teachers).  Sometimes it is important that I stop and look at him for who he is and thank my lucky stars that he wanted to marry me. 
I'm so acutely aware of how much I appreciate the way my regular happy brain works.  I won't take for granted my positive outlook and my ability to power through ever again.  Because not having that sucks.

June 1st.

It was a date that was out there, waiting for me, like a life preserver, like if I can just get to June 1st, I'll be okay.  But it was So.Far.Away.  I had a (one of many) meltdown on Feb 15th, and thought that June 1st might never come.  But now it is only a week away.  The bulk of the audit at work is over, and the sun occasionally has been showing it's sweet face.  I have a few days at the beach planned in a few weeks with my family.  My baby is almost 1.5 and my girls are about to graduate from their first year at their new schools.  They are all so big and so beautiful.  It's a new season.

And I'm so ready for it.