"Not Me" Monday

MckMama challenged me to laugh at myself on this otherwise BLLAAAH Monday for all of life's little imperfections and for the things that happens that no one would evvvvver know about, unless you admit them, and really, who is going to do something like that.  Not me.  

1. When Lily demanded that she be allowed to get from the bus to the house without anyone waiting outside to meet her, and we argued about it for a while, I definitely did not yell at her and tell her that I didn't want a stranger to take her.  I would never take advantage of my girl and her scaredy cat tendencies to get what I want. (AND what is safe for her by the way)  Nope.  Not me.
2.  "Ding-dong".  "Ding-dong"."Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-DONG"I did not race down the stairs during naptime with ALL my might and rip open the door to tear the culprit's head off, only to find a little girl who wanted to play with Lily.  I did not lie to the little girl and tell her that Lily wasn't home out of anger, nor did I get caught in said lie when Lily poked her head out to see who was "ringing the doorbell so much". Nope. Not me.
3.  I never ever leave my son in a poopy diaper waiting for my husband to notice and go change it, even though he would probably just do it if I asked him anyway.  Nope.  Not me.
4.  I did not type this up at work when I really SHOULD have been working on reviewing a German Consolidation worksheet.  Nope.  NOT. ME.
5.  I am Definitely not wearing the same tank top under my clothing that I slept in last night.  Out of sheer laziness and exhaustion this morning, I for sure found another camisole that was in the put away clean clothes.  As a side note ALL of my clothes are clean, folded, and put away, of course.  Never would I go a whole weekend without doing the sweaty laundry from the hottest week of the summer. Gross.  Certainly not something that I would do. 6.  I am not genuinely sad that I watched the finale of Entourage last night.  The Series Finale.  I'm not bummed today, missing my "friends".  Like they are my own friends.  Like I knew them.  And I'm not even a teeny little bit jealous that Vince got married.  And it wasn't to me who lost many hours of sleep marathoning it in order to catch up and watch the last show as it aired.  That won't add a few minutes to the old free time bank.  Nope.  None.

How can it be?

This shouldn’t have been harder than last year.  But it is. 

Every year sounds so much older than the last. 

I just dropped my first child off for her first day of first grade. 

As my well adjusted, excited baby girl happily found her cubby, coat hook, and name at the table, my eyes swelled and I was [just a tad bit] jealous of the mom consoling her sobbing little boy in the corner of the room.  If only a little.  She reminded me on the walk from the car to the school of how much she loved me.  "As much as she can", she said.  I'm just behind God in the ranking of her heart she listed.  More than any other human, she articulated.  But she wasn't nervous, and she didn't need me.  I'm so grateful, I'm weepy.  I'm so amazed, my breath is caught in my throat. 

When I first had Lily and I met another mom who had a first grader, I thought she lived on another planet than I did.  SIX YEARS OLD WAS SO OLD.  In some ways that other mom DID live on another planet than I did.  But that was like yesterday.  And it was also like a million years ago.


Each and every milestone blindsides me, and I'm constantly in awe of how fast time goes, and how weird it is when I look back at 5-6-7 years ago, and it feels like both the blink of an eye and an eternity, simulaneously.  


I know I'm not alone, parents across the country are posting first day of school pictures.  Friends I graduated with have kids starting high school, middle school, elementary, and kindergarten. Each parent is amazed as they post their own smiling picture of their little one complete with new outfit and new backpack on Facebook.  And the overwhelming majority of comments are along the lines of "look how grown up they are" from friends who haven't seen them lately or "enjoy it, it will go so fast" from empty nester who want us parents with young kids to love each moment for what it is as they ponder their own life as it was just yesterday and a million years ago. 


And still.  My day is my own.  I experience it alone and with millions of other parents.   


How can my baby girl be in first grade already?  HOW?

How did this...

Become this?

How did this: 

and this

 Become THIS!:

Heck, if I could, I'd rewind just one year and take THIS back!

 Kindergarten didn't sound as old as first grade.  Just like 5 didn't sound as old as 6.  And 6 doesn't sound as old as quickly approaching 7.  
In a minute I will have a 7,4,&2 year old.  So much different than a 6,3,&1 year old.  Or at least to me it is.  To that new mom nearly years ago it was. 

I love her as she is today.  Sweet.  Smart.  Beautiful.  All the things I prayed for her to be when she was this...

But it doesn't make it any easier to believe that we are here...that this happy, non-sleeping baby, the amazing one who changed my life and made me a mommy...that today she is off enjoying her first packed school lunch, her first school recess, her first full day...that today is her first day as a first grader.

Joseph Little Things

My good friend Jenn has this great blog thing that she does, it's called, The Little Things.  It's taking stock of all the good things happening in her life, when there isn't time to blog it all.

We went to Joseph to see my mom on August 13....and go to the Bronze, Blues, and Brews.  It didn't suck.  It was awesome even.  I say that because if I'm honest, every time we have gone away with 3 kids for a long weekend since having Bryson, it has totally sucked and by the last day, I'm SO ready to get back to our own house and our own sleeping arrangements/baby gated community.  It's not that I never enjoy myself, but the first year I was still nursing and or pumping...which for the record sucks while you are camping in so many ways.  Then this year it has poured down rain and been terrible weather every time we've left home. 

So I was COMMITTED to enjoying our time in Joseph.  No matter what.  We thought about what might make it more enjoyable, and decided to to pick up my 15 year old cousin, Susannah and bring her along as an extra set of hands and some great company.  It was the perfect decision, we enjoyed each other's company, got to know each other a little better, and she was awesome with the kids.  All of my friends couldn't say enough good things about her.

I made sure to take inventory of the little things:
The mostly peaceful even-though-they-don't-sleep-on-the-7-hr-drive car ride
The planning ahead
Bringing less = more
Girls at camp so we left a little later and had peace packing the car while Jennifer took Brys to the park
The smell of the mountain air with a dash of charcoal on the BBQ when we pulled into my mom's driveway
The feeling of Addie's small hand holding mine
Watching the girls run to mom's front door in delight screaming "Grandma, Grandma, Grandma"
Watching Bryson do the same, even though he had no clue where we were
Hugging Mom
Hugging Will
Hugging Mandy
Hugging Leah
Going to bed early
Everyone sleeping through the night
A morning run with Mandy
When it's hot in Joseph early in the morning
Mom buying our tickets as an early anniversary present
Lawrence getting there early and waiting in line for a spot in the shade
Listening to blues music while playing card games with my kids
Drinking a few too many microbrews and being able to walk to my moms
Old friends catching up
Old friends saying, "are those your cute kids who've been running in the sprinkler?"
The incredible sunset over the mountains
Susannah's sweet smile saying, "I'll go chase him for a while, you sit!"
Forgetting about the FORTY FIVE degree temperature drop when it goes from 85 to 40 when the sunsets
Kids riding bikes through town
7 ice cream cones for $1.75.  REALLY?
Mom and Bryson time
"Welcome to BeeCrowBee everything you see outside is half off today" - Lily at the sidewalk sale Will set up for them
Tacos at Mandy and Joe's
Morning power walk with Mandy
Day at the Lake with Will
Getting a picture on that huge chair with the girls when he promised himself he'd never be photoed there
Susannah's first go Kart ride with Lily as her passenger.
The look of excitement and terror on her face.
Watching my kids try to skip rocks and play in my lake
Outside Seating at Terminal Gravity
Staying up too late laughing with friends
Realizing that it's the last day, and wishing it wasn't over rather than wishing it was.
Kids being good AGAIN on the drive home-again not sleeping!!

And now...here are too many pictures!

I love the sunsets and the friendships in my home town.

I love my mom and my kids.

I love my husband.

I love my mountains and my Main street.

I love.

Goodbye is only a prolonged Hello

Whatever. 


It sucks.  Today we said goodbye to our loved and needed AuPair, Julia.  She has 2 weeks of fun and traveling the parts of the US that she hasn't seen yet, before she goes back to Germany and our family is left one person short.  Julia has been amazing this year.  I really don't know how I would have gotten through this difficult year without her.  My work life was insane and my emotional life was dangling by a thread, and she really was a type of glue and consistency, constantly full of kindness, helpfulness, and encouragement.  She has a knack for being just what we need when we need it. 


My heart breaks for her and the kids.  They are so in love with each other.  They have a special bond that could not be any sweeter. 


In a final moment today, before we left the house,  Addie gave Julia one of her bear-bears and made her promise to think of her every night when she slept with it.  Addie has 4 bear-bears, it might seem like a lot, like she had one to spare, but bear-bear is her best friend, her comfort, her playmate.  To give a bear-bear to Julia (even if it was admittedly the one that she like the least) it was touching.  Julia burst into tears with the biggest smile on her face.  Julia's friend Micah and I did too because it was just too cool of a gesture.  I told Lawrence the story in the car, and even his eyes filled with tears as he thought about it.

I told Lily that I feel bad for Bryson, because he doesn't know what is going on, and he says "Buh-Bye Jew-a" but he doesn't know that it is goodbye for a very long time, that the next time he sees her won't be in a few hours or days.  Lily said, "I feel really sad for everyone, especially myself".  :) 


This is awesome.  And it's hard.  We now have 2 girls who will forever be part of our family due to this program.  But starting over fresh, with a broken heart each year...well...it just sucks.  I can't say it more eloquently than that.  It sucks for them and for us.  We will move on and we will have each other.  I heard Julia say to Bryson, the LOVE of her life, the other morning, "Who's smile will brighten my days, and start them off right when I don't have you?"  And I know she means that with her WHOLE heart.  


We will be taking a year or so off the AuPair program and hiring a nanny who won't live with us.  We've founds someone sweet and special that we are really happy about.


Saying goodbye to an AuPair isn't like saying goodbye to a childcare provider though.  It's like saying goodbye to a family member.  The sadness doesn't come just because of the job there is to fill, it comes from losing the genuine love that we have for each other.  Knowing that the person caring for the kids loves them and us as much as we love her.  


Julia is an incredible person.  She is 20, and she is mature, smart, godly.  She will go so far in her life.  Her future is wide open and I'm so proud of the person she has become while she is here.  She has been so open to every experience, and blessing have poured down on her.  And on us.  I know she has so much to look forward to, and the next chapter of her life can't start until this one ends. 

But.


I'm just sad that I don't get to see her everyday anymore.

"Goodbye, Goodbye, to you and you and you..." or, "We're going on a trip in our favorite rocket ship..."

"Bryson, do you want to hold my hand?"

One last picture-Bryson kicking Addie in the head...

A

We love you "Jue-a"!!!