Moving through sizes and time

The new smile
There is no such thing
As a perfect picture
Of all three kids

Last night as Lawrence and I mused about our weekend, and how we barely saw each other, and didn't rest for a second it seemed, we also reflected that it had been a good one. We did some serious tag team parenting and while we both felt a little tired, we didn't feel overly worn to the ground exhausted. He said, "Don't worry hon, we'll have time for each other when we are 60, we'll fall in love all over again". Sweet. Then I said, "Is that why we both have to keep working out so hard, so that we can be attracted to each other and have the energy to do all the active things we love doing" [insert: and aren't possible with 3 kids, 5 and under]. It made me think about how important being active and staying in shape is. This isn't just to give ourselves energy right now, but to stay healthy for 5-10-20 years from now when we do have the freedoms to do some of the things we love and have given up to raise our babies, we have the energy and capable bodies then. And we know, taking of the weight and beating the lethargy isn't going to get any easier years down the road, when we do have more time...and less muscle mass slash slower metabolisms.

The 30 day shred is going good. I'm on day 8. Lawrence is on day 8 of running and doing 50 pushups. Man that guys chest muscles pop back into gear with only a week of no effort. I know Lily got his genes and I hope the other two follow suit. I'm always impressed by how fast he gets back into great physical shape in such a short period of time. He took Saturday running off, and that was partially my fault. I sent him to a 5 year old bday party with the girls so I could get my work out in and get Bryson his nap.

There is the song, "Remember When...", by a country singer (just looked it up for the link, Alan Jackson). Anyway, one time, my friend Jeanine told me that her husband, Otto, told her they were half way through that song. Since we keep having babies, we've stayed halfway through that song for several years.

Right now we are:
Remember when the sound of little feet
was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when
Remember when thirty seemed so old

Ever since Jeanine told me about Otto saying it to me, it pops into my head as I hear the sound of little feet. They are the music of our lives right now. And they will be for a while. I can't even imagine a day when they won't be, but I can imagine myself longing for that sound again. Even as I tell Lily, 'Walk quieter, don't stomp so hard". I know I'll miss the sound of that stomping someday when she starts tiptoeing to sneak in or out! :) I'll wish for the days when I knew every thought and worry in her little head. I'll miss the days that big tantrums got of all the bad stuff out. When falling to the floor in a weeping heap was all you had to do to rid your little body of disappointment. When hugs from mommy or a tic tac could take it all away.

As we discuss and contemplate whether Bryson will be our last baby or not, this hits me harder.
He's almost out of 0-3 mth clothes, a little over 13 lbs, and in size 2 diapers. And as I pack up the things that don't fit any more, I'm not sure whether I will use it again, and it's weird. As I put away maternity clothes that are too big, and squeeze back into my size 14 jeans (and I do mean squeeze), I wonder what will become of my beloved sweatsuits and soft bellied jeans. As I loan out clothes, both baby and maternity, making it fully clear that I don't know what I'm doing so I want every peice back, my heart jumps inside thinking that I might not really need anything back, anything at all. Oh, the closet space I will have. And the storage bins!

I really haven't had to buy one thing for little Addie, I saved each and every little thing from Lily, and as for Bryson, between generous gifting and lots of hand me downs from friends, he won't need much new either. So that leaves only Lily to shop for and she is growing like a week. I couldn't carry her to the potty the other night when Lawrence was out. (sometimes we do that before we go to bed on nights that we forgot to have her go before bedtime to ensure no extra middle of the night wake ups). She's not too big for me to carry when she jumps up and holds on tight, but dead weight, no chance I could do it. My baby is almost too big for my arms. So far only physically but only a matter of years before emotionally she will be too. Especially if I don't remember to nurture that relationship.

Honestly the relationship with her is the hardest to nurture when I'm short on time and energy, because she is so grown up and self sufficient. It's easy to lose my cool with her, because she knows better. It's easy to keep her as a right hand man, taking care of the little two, because she loves it and she is good at it. To some extent, all of this stuff comes with being the oldest child. But I also want to be mindful each day of her childness. She is just a little girl who would love nothing more than to play and snuggle day in and day out with her mama. And it's not going to last. So I'm trying to recommit and appreciate each moment, each and every one, with all three of them, so I don't look back, remembering when, with any regrets, or with any more sadness other than just missing it, missing them at these sizes.

FOR sure, I won't be missing me at this size. I'll have NO problem discarding the size 14 jeans when I'm back in a size 8. (AND I WILL GET THERE!) But I already miss the feeling of a baby kicking in my belly and I miss the knowing/gentle looks from strangers that something really special is about to happen to you. And this is only 8 weeks later. Bryson is 8 weeks today. So in two years, when we'd normally be ready to start trying to have another baby, I can't imagine what it will be like and how much I will miss it.

My friend, Kirstin (my water fitness partner), wrote an beautiful blog about how one thing has to come to an end before something else can become. In her case, her family of three comes to an end to make way for a family of four. I can really relate to that. If we "decide" (I use that term lightly as I realize it is never really up to us and it is by the grace of God we are given the gift of children in any situation) to stop having babies, there is another wonderful life outside of infancy of things to experience with our children and as a family, so if more babies comes to an end, I have no doubt that it will be replaced by equally as wonderful things, watching all our children grow.

My friend Kim, lost her daughter on Friday. I've mentioned Kim before, she is a friend of a friend, and Julia was diagnosed with many health complications at her 20 week ultrasound. Their family had 8 months on earth with Julia, and they did not take one day for granted as they knew her days were numbered and that it was entirely out of their control. I only got to meet beautiful little Julia once when she was a few months old, back in July, but I kept up on Kim's CaringBridge site and was encouraged by Kim's peace and faith and living joy in the moment with her little Julia and Julia's two big brothers. Please keep them in your prayers, especially the brothers (ages 2 & 4), as they all try to comprehend this loss that they knew was probable from day one and find peace and comfort in the 8 months they had with their little angel. I'm so thankful that Kim shared Julia's story with the world because her attitude was so inspiring to me. And she also reminded me each time she referred to Julia as perfect, that each child is perfect, just as they are, just as God made them.

It's been a few days since I blogged, and it is because I'm trying to make more time for non computer related things, I'm doing my 30 shred, and keeping up with a message board with my 4 friends virtually doing it with me. I know this is a bit of a hodge podge of topics, but as the kids grow, and I shrink (hopefully) and am surrounded by good friends and support, both in real life and on the computer, I keep being conked over the head with the blessings in my life. I'm trying hard to live in today, be present in the moment, work hard for the future, knowing that things don't come easy, but they will come and they are worth working for.

And for today, that is more than enough.