Thursday, January 8, 2009

Running on Empty

11:30pm last night I left the office. Thought my car was stolen for a few minutes, until I found the parking attendant had parked it on another floor.

Midnight, got home and put groceries away. Kissed the kids good night. Laid out clothes for Lily and I for today. Got Lily's backpack ready for school today with snack. Got the girls milk ready for today (so Lily can run down and get it for them and let me savor 26 more seconds in bed). Decided to get coffee ready for auto pilot and decide in advance that there will be no restriction on number of cups of coffee for today. A very very good decision.

12:30 into bed, so tired but can't sleep with not much unwinding time
1:00am drifting off to sleep, hear Addie crying but don't get up, she quiets down
2:00am she's really crying, I bet she just needs me, I'll go hold her, I miss her and even though i am tired, I didn't get to see her today. I pick her up, she doesn't stop, she acting in pain, but still sort of asleep, maybe it's a nightmare. I go in the playroom and lay on the couch with her. She sleeps but wakes often startled either scared or in pain. I hold her tight. She keeps looking at me, eyes wide open, shaking her head no.
2:45am I lay her back in her crib and keep my hand on her back for a while, she reaches back and feels me there again and again.
3:00am she's back in bed, whimpers a little, I sneak out, she whimpers more and then is quiet, I think, or I passed out
5:00am Lawrence's alarm goes off, he gets in the shower
5:30am Lawrence comes out of the bathroom, Addie starts to cry, he hugs me, I give no response trying desperately to stay asleep. He wants to talk, "sorry that she is awake hon, I hope she'll go back". Ugh, I ignore him, trying desperately to get to sleep. She goes back. God loves me.
I jump up, he forgot to leave carseats for Tamara to pick Lily up from school. I lay down, oh well, he'll have to do it, I can't do everything.
6:30am I just up feeling like its 10am. Nope still a half hour...
7:00am Lily's up and Addie's crying hard. I stumble into her room and when I go to change her diaper it is poopy with a terrible rash. It didn't stink. Due to the severity of the rash, I'm pretty sure that is what the pain was. Shit. I didn't even think of checking that. Ohhh poor girl.

Lily is 100% genuine in feeling bad for her sister and her pain. I am touched. So so touched. Lily keeps calling Addie "Sweet" as though that's her name in the most tender and concerned voice. I'm a touched zombie, we go downstairs for milk. I'm so happy that I have the milk and clothes and coffee all ready. No thinking or work to do. We sit on the couch to read a book. Addie cringes to sit. Poor girl.

Lily wants her hair French braided. It is the last thing that I want to do, but am feeling too guilty to say no to my sweet girl about anything. It takes me 20 minutes to do the 2 braids, which look a little sloppy like she slept on them.

Tamara arrives. Lily and I rush out the door, I give Tamara the orders about how to do the cream and to only use water, no wipes. Addie happily says bu-bye. Tamara's girls are being whiney and drink the last of the milk, I'm annoyed, my girls are happy and I don't want to listen to crying. I also wanted Lily to have the rest of the milk for lunch. Why did I listen to Lawrence when he told me not to get milk yesterday morning?. I drop Lily and her teacher asks me if I can help out in the class on the 22nd, making S'mores. I think I can, but too dazed to know. I'm putting the date to I remember. I get on the bus. I have a lot of reading and list making I want to do but instead I stare and zone and drink my coffe.

I'm exhausted.
Only two more days of this and my financial statements will be done. I hope. One employee review today. The easy one.

I'm missing my kids so much. I can't wait for Saturday. I promised I would be home for bedtime so I have no choice but to get all the work done by 5pm.
Out o gas. And now my day begins...

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