I have a mountain of work hanging over me. One that kept me up until after midnight the last few nights. One that is brought me to the office yesterday, away from my kids on my day at home with them. And for some reason I can't get motivated to DO the work. Procrastination is in my SOUL. I just look at the minutes ticking away at the clock. Taking a bit of time here and there to approve something urgent, schedule a meeting, or answer an email.
But I'm obsessed with balancing our bank account, blogging, reading blogs, and photos, and calendaring, and to do lists, and personal emails, and researching topics, and looking at facebook status updates, and searching for friend who pop in my head and might be on facebook, and finding deals on craigslist and ebay. Aaaaaaaa. You think with all this time-a-wastin' and not being spent on the proper thing, I'd at least be caught up with my bills, calendar, and correspondence, I should also have my photos organized to the T and have people with up to the minute updates of the blog, or at least get to cross of all of my 'to buys' on the to do list. But NO DICE. I'm behind in all of it. I randomly rumble from one thing to the next. Reading a blog about a friend's brother and his addictive story of heroine overdose, to which I am strangely drawn and fascinated with.
I can't relate to a bit of it, which is what usually draws me into reading about someone's life. But no one ever opens up like this and shares so much, I can't stop reading and FEELING his train wreck, and how hopeless it feels for him at times, admiring his writing...storytelling abililty, and relieved knowing that he is now clean and sober for the umteenth time at his dad's house - his place of protection from the outside world. Also based on how hard it is to read for me, imagining how hard this is on him mother (a theme for me), only able to read it because I know he gets out of it alive (or at least out of this chapter anyway).
Anyway, this is how I am spending my time. My precious time away from my family. Is it that I'm so lost for communication and closeness that I must live through the computer? WTF! I'm feeling like a computer addict and wondering if cold turkey may be in order. Obviously I'm unable to limit my time spent for personal use. Is this my addiction? I would have so much time without it. Do I need to be putting strict limits for myself on this. I don't want to work late and work extra days, so I can read about Luke and his drug battles or find out that Lori Braden McNeil wishes she didn't have to shovel again, or see who is selling a bassinet for $30 in Forest Grove. Sheesh. I certainly don't mean to sound like these things aren't okay or interesting in moderation, there is a time and a place, but at the moment, I can't do it all. Why oh why do I want to give every single thing (even unimportant things like saving $5 on some jammies) 150% ...forcing some of that to be in the office, and then missing out on whats more important (the kids, the marriage, the sleep, the job...just to name a few that will keep my sanity).
It's just that the deferred revenue schedule and narly commission difference and mountain of journal entries to review make me want to puke. Reading about how much a (stranger to me) mama loves her baby's soft hand, much more fun. I don't mean to do it but here is how it happens: my email is slow and excel keeps stalling due to the size of my schedule, so while I'm waiting, might as well click on the personal email icon, oh so and so sent me a face book comment, funny, reply, back to personal email, IM from Carrie, hmmm, she's looking for couches, that reminds me I told Lily I'd look for new monkey pjs for her (that fit), click on ebay, wait if they have them on clist it'll be cheaper, hmm...nope...might as well see what baby and kids stuff IS available on Bull Mtn. Wait, why is this excel schedule open, was I working here? Umm yeah, multitasking and I aren't as tight as we used to be. I could say it was pregnancy or mama brain, but I think not sleeping for 2 years probably did it in for me and the old brain cells.
Last night I raced home (on the last bus which was tardy and gave me a heart attack) and we kept Addie up for a few minutes longer so that I could put her to bed, tonight I'm not even going to try. There is just too much work to do. If I can't get home by 7, I might as well stay until midnight. And it all has to be done by Friday night. This Friday night. 2 more days. Two more long, terrible days. If I STOP procrastinating at this moment, I might have a shot in hell of getting it all done. So much for my 3 days I was going to make it to the gym on the 2nd Floor. Oh well, it was probably crowded anyway, and I'm guessing that by next week everyone will peter out on their resolution and there will be machines as far as the eye can see for my and my (ready to be gone) flabdomin. Good news is, I've done well with eating right and taking all my vitamins since Monday. Crap. Was that only two days ago? Ugh. Feels like longer.
I've yet to write my "new year's resolution " blog. Listing the things I want to accomplish this year. But one of the things weighing heavily on my mind is to stop spending time watching TV that I don't enjoy or being on the computer for hours upon end when I don't have a reason to be there. (or even if I think I do). A cap is quite in order. If I continue one thing, I'll continue this. It is theapuetic an stress relieving.
That's that. I could go on and on and on about how annoyed I am at myself or I could post this and close up shop. I think I'll do that...