I'm just not sure how it happened. How I got there. Weeping as the dentist started to put the shot of Novocaine in my mouth, and crying hysterically, holding the hygienist's hand until he stopped and had me call my husband wanting me to reschedule when there was time for me to take a sedative in advance.
Maybe it was my deep rooted hatred for the dentist. Particularly that numbing needle. Maybe it was the long week. Maybe it was barely getting to see the kids since Sunday. Maybe it was the overwhelming work load and complex decision making to do at work. And maybe it was the ongoing confrontation I've had with an employee. Maybe it was all of those combined with regular old busy, filled to the brim life. But I cracked. No, honestly, I broke.
Though there are times when he is not, today, when I needed him to be, Lawrence was my knight in shining armor. The fact that that entails, him riding into the dentist office in his white Trailblazer to joke "having a tough week, hon" with a gentle kiss, making me laugh and holding my hand and rubbing my leg for the rest of the shot saying, "your doing great", I do realize is a little sad. But it was my reality, and at the moment, him saying "I'll be right there, when I didn't tell him I needed him to come, was what I needed more than I can describe. He left to go releive the nanny a few minutes later. After I was finished with getting prepared for my first ever crown replacing an old broken filling, the hygienist put on the temporary crown, game me the rules of what not to chew, I came out. There smiling at me through the glass in the door was Addie. Aahhh. He came back, with them, just to make sure I was okay. He wanted to me to leave the car since I don't have anywhere to be tomorrow, but I didn't need to do that. I guess what was so amazing about it, was that I felt heard and related to. He heard my voice and knew I needed him, and he came. To the dentist office. Mid-numb. MY HE-RO.
And Seriously, I only needed one shot, it was ONE shot that lasted 10 shots, poke, unpoke, poke, unpoke, open, close down a bit, suction, and it took 50X longer than any other shot of Novocaine I've ever had. I even started yelling at the dentist during my hysterical sobs and told him he was terrible at doing this. As someone who has had torturous dental experiences, most of which started at 7 years old and finished in high school, with a quick nastiness of getting my wisdom teeth pulled at the student health service at good old U of M, with only (my favorite) NOVOCAINE! I know shitty shot giving and this took the cake. He had another hygienist come finish the shot and with Lawrence there and this relaxing woman I did fine, done with the second 50% in no time. So I'll be stopping by to pick up my new permanent crown in 10 business days on my way to finding my NEW dentist. This is the first time I've needed anything more than a cleaning since moving to Portland. I do long for my last dentist. Dr. Peter Pederson of Plainsboro, NJ. Dreaming, and gentle...he gave me my faith back that it COULD be more than a torture chamber and that smell didn't have to mean pain and humiliation.
Of course today wasn't about the dentist.
It was the last straw of building anxiety and stress. It could have even been post - broken foot emotions. I haven't had a good cry since Sept 26. It was building. My head is so full of hard decisions, complex issues, managing schedules for at least 5 different people (2 of which are NOT my family) and I had a particularly full week with no time WiTH my family.
How humiliating to let it all go in front of 2 perfect strangers with a big needle in my mouth. My eyes well up and I shake my head even now as I think about it, many hours later. But what can I say, I feel tired and numb and empty. Not bad empty but empty of anxiety. For the moment, I'll take it. I'll also take the next 3 full day's I have with my kids.