I'm sitting at my desk. The last business day of the year. Accounting hell, normally. But today was slow and steady and nearly done by 3:30. Before I rush out the door to the busy that awaits me at home, the busy that does not expect me until 6pm, I decided to pause.
I lingered through my Facebook feed during lunch today and so many posts about out with the old in with the new. We all look forward to tearing off the page and looking at the hopeful blank canvas of the new one.
The last few years, I chose a little motto and said it in my head when things got cloudy, out of focus.
I am overwhelmed with the swirling thoughts of all I can do with my own blank canvas. And when I become overwhelmed, I go back to things I've said to myself in years past, things that get me to good.
Never wear your blessings like burdens
Do not let perfect be the enemy of good
Be where you are
Reminders that the things that haunt me are really of such little importance when I line them up against a simple sentence. I find myself longing for another simple sentence to add to the list of wisdom.
I saw some things that worked well for me this year
Bible Study
Early Rising
Eating Well
Simplifying
Writing
Saving
Running
Setting Goals
Creating
Nature
Documenting
Connecting
Giving
Seek Beauty
Serve
You might read those words and thing they look like a pile of cliches, things people commit to doing, but to me, I see a loving list of works that make my heart sing, so I know they are MY things. Hard things that I can do. Things that will give me joy
Things I want to leave behind
Fear
Worry
Perfection
Waste
I want to pay attention to what is ruling me.
I want to be bold, and beautiful, and humble, and healthy. I know what those words mean to me.
The stillness of this moment washes over me, and I am reminded beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am loved and blessed and cared for. When moments are frenzied, if I can remember to be bold, and beautiful, and humble, and healthy, I can love better, both myself and my others.
Thank you for beautiful lessons 2013, thank you for a beautiful life. Joy awaits, I only need to be still and know. My heart is open and ready for all the good as I turn my page and look at my blank canvas.
I think about this blog 2-3 times a week. I haven't blogged since school started and it's Christmas break, and just because I don't write them down…I still think them up. Then they are gone and it makes me sad that I don't find/make/have the time.
I hear myself say to my friends, to the ones who work, to the ones who don't, heck, I even say it to myself. "This has been a crazy week!" This week school started. This week soccer started. This week Bryson started preschool. This week is my first week without a nanny in 6 years. This week we have the warrior dash. This week I'm getting ready to go on vacation. This week I'm recovering from vacation. This week is quarterly close. This week is Lily's slumber party. This week I'm volunteering at school. This week I'm recovering from being gone volunteering at school. This week I'm in charge of mapping our old 401(k) plan to our new 401(k) plan, balance by balance, fund by fund, ticker symbol by ticker symbol. This week I have school conferences. This week is Halloween. This week I go to Seattle for Women of Faith. This week is my birthday. This week the sister of my best childhood fried died. This week the kids have 3 days off school. This week is family pictures rescheduled and I need to pick out outfits, and convince my family that we are taking family pictures and they better enjoy it, or at least look like they are enjoying it. This week I have auditors. This week I was so very thankful for this life. This week I need to find a costume for TV Bunco. This week we get to watch the Griz / Cat game. This week is Thanksgiving. This week my co-worker and one of my staff are out. This week is my week to volunteer at school. This week I was sick all week. This week I was sick again. This week Lily had a science fair. This week my baby boy turns 4.
Those have been my weeks for the past 3+ months.
It's been crazy.
Every single week, every single day, life is crazy. And I hate hearing myself even say that. I think I might have been saying it for the past, oh, 5 years, maybe longer.
I am forever living in a state of apology and I hate it. I'm also living and looking for an escape. Like if I could just get through this one hard time life would be easy again. Life would be balanced and I would be able to catch all the balls in the air.
ha. HA!
I've been putting a pen to paper and recording the things I am thankful for. What started with picking up a book that was recommended to me and with 30 days of Facebook thanks, it's changing for my heart.
Be where you are. That was the motto for this year, and I have not been very successful. I can't shut down the endless ways that the crazy in my life.
And this has been a relatively uneventful year.
I'm sorry, and I'm grateful, and I'm tired, and I stay up too late, and I go on FaceBook to often, and I'm constantly striving, and I beat myself up far too often, and I'm a grumpy distracted mom, and I'm thankful, and I'm so very love, and I talk to God and He reminds me that I am covered under Grace, that nothing I could do could make him love me any more or less than He already does. And all is well again in the world.
And then the next hour starts.
And it's crazy again.
And I remind myself that life is full.
Abundantly full.
Now I hit post rather than go back and edit myself. Raw, true, honest. Recorded.
