If at first you don't succeed, try, try again

Lately I've been surfing on what seems to be a waves of gratitude and sinking in my overwhelming schedule and responsibilities.  The blessings come crashing over me and I couldn't feel more blessed, and then a panic sets in when I look at my to do list, both for work and home, all it takes is someone to ask one small thing of me, and I feel like I'm barely treading water.  


I've sort of shut everyone out for the past 2 weeks, except for my family.  And while I have a tinge of guilt from the emails unanswered and the phone calls not made.  I remember that this is what I need to do in this season to feel good about me.  To feel like a...success in my life.  Today, I'm really feeling the effects of choosing to spend my weekends completely family centered, even if that means doing laundry after bedtime and taking kids grocery shopping and letting the guest bed not get unpiled with stuff.  The to do list will never end but having a good time with my little people gives me what I need. 


Bryson told me this weekend I was his best friend.  "um, like, you my bes fwend" I.could.have.died.  It was so sweet.  (And yes, for the record, sometimes he does sort of talk like a valley girl).


I wrote a few posts ago about Patsy Clairmont's, 1-2-3, say yes, no, and thank you.  I talked about saying no to the things that drain you, that aren't good for your soul.  But I realize this applies to me even for the people who are good for my soul.  Because I just have to build some walls to protect the limited time I have to be a mother, and to get good sleep, and to eat well, and to do this very demanding job (I got a promotion, by the way, woohoo!).  When a friend asks me to do something, it's not that I don't want to, I want to, but I want to spend time with my kids more.  I want to feel less stressed about taking them to their various doctor and dentist appointments, I want to spend my "free" time going to their Valentine's party at school, or watching them to Karate on a Saturday morning.  I want to spend my Saturday afternoon during nap time making homemade Valentine's with my little craft loving girls.  

Coffee dates with my friends are great, but they pull me from the area I am being called.  I am being called to nurture my friendship at home with the man who married me, and I am being called to do as many of the doting details that I can as a mom, even as a working mom.  My nights and weekends are my treasured time with them.  I strive to make my work at home days as efficient as I can, so that I can keep them, so that I can be with my family when the clock strikes 5.  It comes at a cost to my personal relationships outside of the home, and I do get that those are important.  But the ones that matter, they won't mind a bit.  


So sorry, rest of the world, I still love you, I just don't have time for all of the people who are important to me.  I called my mom last night, and I probably haven't called her in 2 weeks.  Oops.  I don't mean for it to be so long, time just goes fast and there isn't a good time to talk, sometimes for weeks at a time.  I loved, LOVED how when I apologized to her, she is so forgiving, she has this way of never ever making me feel guilty for my shortcomings (man, I wish I could say the same of myself).  She's so great.  But, I'm getting away from the point.

The point is, today, I did a little thing, I signed up to make sandwiches for Addie's Valentine's Day party for school.  I signed up for the hardest thing (well, other than jello squares) on the list because Addie is allergic to peanuts, so this way I could ensure I was using Almond Butter that was 100% peanut free.  I could have just made little sandwiches in squares, but I took an extra 10 minutes and made them into hearts instead.  


And you know what, I felt good about it as I placed them into the tupperware, I felt good as we rushed out the door to get to school on time, I felt good about it when I handed them to the teacher, and I still felt good about it when I walked into my office.  And all I did was make some little sandwiches.  I don't deserve any sort of medal for doing a normal mom thing.  Yet the waves of gratitude that rolled over me all morning were big and meaningful.  I'm not exactly sure what it is about putting a homemakery touch on something that the kids will probably just pass over for the cookie and jello on their plate that gave me such...pride, but I liked it.  And I want to do it again.  More of that.  More fully feeling my little successes.  More rejoicing about them.  I feel so silly about how many times I've smiled today about those darn little heart shaped AB&Js.   

This forced smile makes me LOL every time

Addie beamed as she showed them to her teacher when we got to school, and even though nobody was looking, over in the corner her mommy beamed too.