Tantrums and last days of preschool

Fine, I'll admit it.  This has not been one of my finest weeks.  I'm just feeling...foul.  The audit should be over, but it isn't.  I'm worn out, I can give them all I can give them, but I hang on to June first with all my might, so when that date has come and gone and I'm still in the weeds.  I'm.losing.my.ability.to.give.more.  Monday will be June 11 and we aren't there yet.  Bah humbug.  


The anniversary of Jim's death on Tuesday, I haven't been getting in my daily quiet time, June is here and so is the audit still, it is Addie's last week of preschool and I'm so damn nostalgic.  Exhaustingly nostalgic.  Prolonged stress and getting to do special things with the kids girls, purposefully taking the time.  There is so much end of the year stuff, that mostly all my "special mommy & kid" time is for the girls.  His special time is usually going to the grocery store, or the pharmacy, or strollered for me to go on a run.  That's fine because Bryson doesn't know any better, right?  Um.  


As we passed it this morning, Bryson told me this morning that I have never taken him to the library.  Crap.  And he's been to the library a lot in his little life, enough to recognize the blend-into-the-strip-mall-building, but never with his mama, and he knows that?  Oh shite.  He's learning to give me guilt trips from the girls.  He say, "awwwha" when I tell him he can't do anything (think super whiny annoying sound).  After he started doing that I've heard Lily do it about 100x a day.  And I barely see the kid! Last night I took off his sloppy joe stained shirt after dinner, against his will, and he said "mama, I wo-ah that all shoit all day, and now you wuined it!".  What?  I wanted to collapse in a heap of Jenny and just stop trying for the day.  And seriously if Lawrence would have let me, I might have.  But there were puzzles and rock-a-byes and prayers still to do.  So I marched on.  


I'm just totally on edge and I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest.  I'm also really tired.  Dog tired.  I haven't been this tired since the beginning of the year when I started Paleo eating.  I'm surviving on coffee, also something I haven't needed to do since Jan 1.  I took yesterday off for a field trip for Lily (as planned) but it took pretty much everything in me to stay present and keep track of the kids in my group (and I mostly did that by taking 157 pictures in 2 hours-more kids in hoods and leaves than you'd know what to do with at the wildlife refuge).  I couldn't stop stressing about the lingering questions in the audit and mostly being totally pissed that it isn't over yet.  


I need to pull it together.  Negative nelly and Raging angry lady does not suit me.  I know everyone needs to be pissy now and again, but it feels so wrong for me! 


Deep breaths and bible verses?  


I don't feel like doing either, but I need to do both.  


Today was sweet Addie's last day at Gaarde Christian School.  We have been at that school for the last four years, and I just have so many good things to show for it.  Mrs K, S, and G have been wonderful to my girls.  Both my girls will be in elementary school.  I remember when I first had Lily.  People who had kids in elementary school were light years ahead of me.  I mean, they were practically raising adults!  How could they understand the woes and fears of a sleep deprived, learning-to-breastfeed, and mother - new mother?  Now I know that that felt like 5 minutes ago to them.  I know that they did know what they were talking about after all.  Even though they had practically-adult kids! 


I will post some before and after pictures on another post.  I can't let my blahs haunt over pictures of my sweetie.  I actually came here to post those pictures.  But got here and felt like venting for a few minutes instead.  That's aloud, right?  It's better than acting unprofessionally for sure.


The baseball game tonight was just cancelled due to rain.  Maybe I just needed a night off.  I feel lighter already.  No plans, no running.  Just being.  Getting to bed early and drinking a lot of water.  


Oh, and laughing about this song too.  :)  


Jimmy Fallon, you are a mood lifter, you too Mr. Colbert!  :)  


Fun fun fun fun....