Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Some swelling and pouring of my heart

I'm scared. 
I'm overwhelmed. 
I'm loved. 
I must ramble for a minute.  
Or a bit longer than that.  

All the love that has been shown to me in the past 2 weeks is unreal.  My heart could honestly explode.  It hurts and I don't know if that is from the love or from the anxiety, but I think probably about 50/50.  

The surgery tomorrow could take 3 hrs and it could take 7 hrs and it could take 9hrs.  The reconstruction portion could take 45 minutes or 2 hrs, and could be more involved than the cancer removal.  All the paperwork I'm reading over tonight says to plan to be at the skin cancer removal center for the entire day.  We won't know until they make the first cut how much more cancer there is to remove.  The surgery is called Mohs, and they take only a small layer at a time so that they can test it, taking as little healthy skin as possible.  I don't want to do it though.  I don't want to have an eye patch or feel pain every time I blink or raise my eyebrows.  I don't want to lay there awake while they cut away on my eyelid.  

I'm bringing 2 books and a to do list to the center.  Between each phase of surgery there is an hour wait time while they test what they've taken and figure out where additional skin needs to be removed.  Lawrence will be there with me, in the waiting room.  He can't be in the surgery with me.  I was totally looking forward to holding his hand while they poke that numbing needle into my eyelid.  Shudder.  Hopefully they give me a stuffed animal to hold while I hold my breath and clinch my jaw, like in the biopsy.  That stuffed animal made all the difference.  Except for helping at ALL!!!!

Our nanny and Lawrence's mom will be here with the kids, and my brother is going to bring us lunch at the cancer center, if needed.  Several friend from church are bringing us meals over the next week, and I have a few playdates set up for the kids to get them out of the house so I can rest.  Everything is taken care of and offers of more help keeps pouring in.  I feel so loved and cared for.  

I know you are probably laughing that I'm taking a to do list to the hospital, but it's a "fun" to do list.  Like organizing some photos, and writing some blogs.  Documentation the wonderful life that I live.  No excel spreadsheets, no thank you notes.  I know, you wouldn't put it past me.  I wouldn't either.  

Thank you notes.  Wow.  I'm gonna have to send like a million of those.  

I need to compile a blog that shares all the nicest, funniest, and most wonderful thing that people have said to me.  So that on a bad day I can read it over and over again.  And know that I am loved.  

I've felt God's peace up until yesterday.  The anxiety has definitely be creeping in.  

Today I met with a friend to pray, I got my hair done, I went for a run with Lily, she rode her bike and   after she was done, I ran laps around the play structure while she showed me her stuff on the bar.  At 6:30, she didn't want to go home.  Neither did I.  We played tag, we raced as fast as we could to this landmark or that.  I smiled the whole time.  I put the kids to bed and snuggled with each one a little longer.  

I posted something on facebook, and got more love.  MORE LOVE.  I didn't know there WAS more love to get.  And there was.  And there is.  

I'm not going to say that this is a good thing, but as I said to a friend tonight, I can't remember the last time I felt THIS loved, and I certainly can't help but let that wash over me.  

A peace that passes understanding.  I have a taste of it.  I just have to get through tomorrow, and I will be okay, not everyone can say that.  The weight of the love that I feel from every direction will carry me through.

And it feels good ramble, dump, vent, proclaim goodness, whatever you want to call it.  

Thank you for loving me this much, your love and prayers are touching me, deep in my heart.  


  1. I'm having trouble sleeping, thinking of you and loving you. I would give anything if you didn't have to go through your surgery tomorrow (gulp, today), but some things can't and shouldn't be avoided. I'm just happy that you know how loved you are. Be brave, my little girl. I love you so much.

    1. I love you mom. Every time I read this comment it brings tears to my eyes.

  2. I have been praying for you since I woke up today. Sending love from this little corner of your world. -Lynnette