Last night I got Lily up to go to the bathroom around 11pm. We don't take her any more usually but since Lawrence wasn't home, I thought it would certainly be the night she'd pee the bed and I'd have to get up and deal with it alone, in my afraid-of-the-dark-ness, so I took her. As I walked in, I looked at her angelic sleeping face and all I could think is, MAN I LOVE HER. I kissed the softest cheek, and a rush of love along with a pang of guilt came over me at the battles of wills we'd had just before her bed time. Oh, I love her. I wish she knew how much, how I'd love to never use a harsh word or have to correct her. How I only want the best for her, and how I want to be the best me for her. I woke her to walk to the bathroom, since she is quite heavy to carry now. I rubbed her back I told her I loved her while she went and she lifted her arms for me to carry on the way back, so I did. She patted my back, asleep on my shoulder, telling me she loved me too, without talking. I wanted to crawl in her bed and hold her tight, so she'd feel the presence of my love.
Today we had a good day, still she tested, but I stayed firm, yet kind, and she responded well. I remembered to show her extra love and some obvious joy as I spend time with her. We scrapbooked during Addie's nap, and she really loved it.
While we worked together on our scrapbooks, I had a thought.
God watches me do good things and bad, each day, all day long. Just like I watch Lily. At some moments he watches me be loving and kind and generous, at others he watches me be selfish and bitter and angry. At the end of a good day or a bad one, when I am sleeping, he watches me. And you know what?
He thinks, MAN I LOVE HER.
He wishes I knew how much, and he gave me Lily so that I could get a tiny itsy bitsy glimpse of just how much, and to scratch the surface of the possibilities of unconditional love. To know that, is to be blessed.