Thursday, December 18, 2008

Jenny [not so] Raw and UnTamed

When I was in high school, my friend Will and I made a video of us doing stupid stuff. It was originally a video we were making to send to our friend Courtney and then it took a turn somewhere. We videoed SO much crazy stuff on it, and then we watched it a hundred million more times. I finally got possession of it back after it spent a few years at UM with Will and then possibly a stint in Portland at the Troy house. It traveled well (much like Travis a doll from Soroptomist that Marjie found, Will bought, and I named...where is Travis now, who has him?)

Off the top of my head - highlights from the movie included: "Lyle the ghost""I'm fat""And it's your faulrt breakmaker"How so and so would react if they were scared""Judy going to Europe""Lemons"...oh the list goes on with other random SNL wannabe sketches.

I'm so much less fun and spontaneous than I used to be. In my heart I just don't feel the need to act crazy anymore. When I'm riding in the back of a Suburban full of drama nerds, I don't feel the need to growl at the gas attending while he is pumping gas, trying not to notice. I would find no validation in that now. Will jokes that he "invented" me. Well though he did not, he did love me for who I was at the time and he loved the things about me that I loved about myself. Not in spite of them, but because of them. I am the person I am because I had Will in my life at a crucial time. And boy was he in it. There were a few years in high school where we literally spent every waking moment together, a year in college where we spent all of our waking and sleeping moments together. He had a crazy roommate in the dorms and stayed at our apartment much of the time. He was for a long time, my soul mate. For this reason Will gave me away at my wedding. Since I am fatherless, I felt that Will was the man of my life giving me away to the new man of my life. And he did. And Lawrence loved him too, because of the amazing person he is and also because of how much we meant to each other.

I read an article last night about a women who states, first off, I think my husband is having an affair, then she lists all the evidence, the lack of physical attraction, her new found need to yell, etc. At the end, she says in the quiet of her third baby's nursery, with only the sound of her own sobbing after a bad fight, she realizes it. He is having an affair with the old her.

Sometimes I think I'm having an affair with the old me, the one who was so full of energy, who could, and would squeeze absolutely anything and everything on to her plate. Who would never say no to doing anything with or for anyone. Who was young and thin and beautiful. Who had perky breasts and no baby weight or coffee stains. I love her. She was sweet and naive, she was dumb and funny. She was a terrible driver but such a risk taker. She would NOT be stranded on a hill in the snow for 5 days! She was hilarious. Man was she funny. She drank too much and slept too much, and watched too much Lifetime TV; she had a clean(ish) house and messy car. She was Jenny Raw and UnTamed.

Now she's Jenny Cluttered, Overwhelmed, and Struggling. No wonder some of the allure with the friendship with Will has fizzled. She's a major bore fest. She still laughs and thinks of hilarious things, but forgets them a moment latter. Barely remembers and keeps this blog in HOPES of remembering some shred of humor. She sleeps too little and drinks too much coffee. She whines and vents and always has so many things to worry about.


I do love Jenny R&UT, she rocks. But I also love Jenny C,O,&S more. She knows who she is. She has amazing friends who she leans on, and who lean back. She loves to help people. She doesn't make crank calls or drives drunk. She never sees the top of her dresser through the stacks of clean laundry, but she has the most amazing daughters to tuck in at night. For all the times she knows she is doing something wrong, she also knows she is doing something right when she looks in their beautiful faces and bright happy smiles. When they behave in public and kiss her slobbered on cheeks with an mmmmm-mmmaaaa. So she can't afford great clothes as childcare is always breaking the bank, but even when she could AND had the body for it, she didn't. The old Jenny was a nerd. A wonderful nerd who cared what EVERYONE thought. This Jenny just is. She so unconcerned with her self, she only concentrating on her responsibilities, and she doing a pretty darn good job at managing it all.

Well for today. Tomorrow, I'll be busy in the affair with my old self. As much as I like her, I feel rather sorry for how empty life was. Sorry for how she spent too much time worrying about things that really didn't matter in the long run. What which Jenny am I talking about now? There is a chance of some overlap.

Lawrence isn't having an affair with the old Jenny, he really loves this one. He loves this mushy body and these tired eyes. He's thankful to the Dereks and the OZs and the Arlos for not wanting her. (AND PS SOOOOOO AM I). He really loves me just how I am, he never asks to change a thing about the new Jenny. I wish the new Jenny could be as respectful of the New Lawrence!

So I was thinking I should have titled this blog, Jenny Raw and UnTamed, when trying to think of my clever blog start up title. It is a phrase that used to just flow off the tongues of me and my friends. But after writing this, I'm glad that Addie and Lily Make Four.

(ps It may seem that I'm blogging a lot, I am sort of, do I have time for this? no. but I'm trying to find some peace and sanity and writing and remembering does that for me)

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