Monday, December 29, 2008


Today was my first day out of the house by myself since December 11. Ah, it felt good. It was raining when I left and I contemplated not taking the bus, but decided I needed to save us the $12 so headed to the mall transit center. The 9:10 bus was pulling out at 9:08 as I was pulling in...I didn't even mind, I just headed to Sunset Transit Center to check for parking (there usually is none at 9am), I figured if there wasn't a spot, I'd come back to the mall and get the next bus in 30 minutes. I wasn't the slightest bit annoyed or pressured about time. I was out. And driving. And was going to get to work interruption free. There was a spot, and no one on the road, I guess everyone out there but me must be on vacation this week. But look at me, Laissez-faire, I don't care. I have a book, I have a max train, I have silence, and no one is talking to me or asking me to meet their needs.


It is now almost 1pm, and I was so efficient this morning, I have almost everything done for the day. I'm in my newly painted and rearranged yellow office, with the Willamette River at my back. I have boxes to unpack from my temporary move 2+ weeks ago. I have entries to prepare for the closing, for which I have made a meticulous time line to present to my staff today at the meeting I scheduled.

Ahhhh. Deep breath, do it with me. Ahhhh.

I. needed. this.

I'm a bit of loner, and sometimes, I just need a minute to myself. It is the first day in 18 days that I did not listen to Lily talk for the ENTIRE day. Now this can be exhausting for a mama whose main job is to be a mama, keep the house running, kids fed, hubby happy...but wearing those hats plus providing my own full time child care and a full time job, it's been too much and I haven't been a great mama to her. That's what I'm working on. Being a better mom to the two kids I've got. All moms say that we want to be "better moms", I've said it lots of times, but what does that really entail. Kinder words, more patience, more time, more selfless, and genuine joy and presence with my children. The other day Lily told me, "Mama, me and Addie don't talk to you because we want to interrupt you, we talk to you because we want you to play with us". Oh my broken heart. We made a plan, Lily and I, that day. How would I get my work done for the next day. When would I work and when would I play. Because we figured it out together, she honored her end of the bargain, and I honored mine. When I said, "Please be quiet, I only need one more minute, remember this is my working time", she listened, and then I only took one more minute, and then I played like I said I would. And she didn't know the difference if while playing store, I was the store keeper constantly cleaning...ahem...stocking the shelves for more people to shop. I do feel like I've had a breakthrough of being a better mom. Actually breaking down what that means, and doing it. One day, one hour at a time.

But feels nice to be alone. And tomorrow, I will make a plan with Lily. That worked, so I'll keep trying that.

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