Bus weirdness and growing up

Addie didn't want to ride the bus this morning, Lily did.  I said that it was fine for Lily to ride the bus and I could drive Addie to school.  Lily would NOT accept this, she NEEDED Addie to ride the bus too.  Finally, FINALLY I got the reason Lily wanted Addie on the bus.  It was for me walking the girls to the bus stop, standing and waiting, I told her I'd still walk down with her before driving Addie, but she needed her friends to think I only come down for Addie and not there for her.

Awww...

The Rawness of Back to School

All the back to school busyness has left me kind of raw.  Very raw actually.  I’ve been thinking about it a lot, trying to figure out why.  Is this year different?  Is it because my baby is in preschool now, and Addie in full day?  Is it because we no longer have our nanny?

There is certainly the fact that my babies are getting bigger.  That’s great.  And hard.  And sad.  And awesome.  And fleeting.  But that alone is not at the heart the rawness that I feel.

Third grade.  Lily is a 3^rd grader.  That’s part of it.  Man, kids were mean to me in third grade.  As an adult, a successful, well-adjusted adult, I have had multiple people come to me as adults to apologize for how they treated me as a kid.  I’ve always brushed it off as ‘kids are mean’, as that is what we said before bullying was a district-wide curriculum word.  But just the other day, I was thinking about this rawness.  And third grade was rough, they were mean.  Mean, mean.  The fact that adult men and women, who have lived 25+ years of life since that time still feel so sick and guilty inside for the way they treated me, the fact that they contact me on Facebook to apologize…well that’s how mean.   So, it’s okay if I have a little bit of scarring when I think about sending my kid off to grade 3. Don’t get me wrong.  I had friends, I didn’t walk around school with my head held low, my mama loved me like nobody’s business, I was the best big sister on the block, I was too smart for my own good…I didn’t let it ruin me.  But when my little girl walks out the door to third grade…it hurts.  The little Jenny inside of me feels afraid for how third grade feels.  The mama in me knows that she is different and wonderful, and the kids she hangs out with are different and wonderful.  But still, I’m scared.  Because kids are still mean.   

The next thing I’m noticing about back-to-school is the constant state of comparison I have going in my own head.  The tireless what if…what if I was that kind of mama?  what if I didn’t have to worry about this or that?  what if my kid didn’t have to ride the bus?  what if I volunteered more?  what if I got to work earlier?  what if we had less toys.  Seriously.  I’m reading blogs about it, validating blogs, articles about how we are all doing okay.  Things we all should read.  Your okay and my okay don’t look the same and that’s okay.  How liberating.  But why do I feel the need to read another mom’s articulation of what’s okay for her to make sure I’m doing alright?   I am an advocate of other moms and of myself.  I never want to be in any discussion that reeks of mom vs mom.  My ways barely work for me, so I certainly won’t push them on anyone else.  I can feel convicted about how I want things to be, regardless of how different my reality looks, I will even work hard for those things, but I won't judge others in order to see the value in myself.  It makes me sad that by the time I get this all figured out, it will be nearly over and re-do just isn’t an option.  My kids will be out there in the world with all the best and worst of how I've treated them and how they treated each other. 

Last week I go to preschool with Bryson and I feel nervous and awkward.  I’m the only working mom in the class, I’m the only one who has a youngest child in the class.  I’m not used to that.  My hands feel weirdly empty, like they should be busier soothing a baby or picking up a puzzle that my toddler spilled.  I’m not in yoga pants because my nanny will be meeting me in the parking lot after this little orientation so I can rush off and be late to work.  I’m not doting on him like a first child, and he doesn’t need me like the other kids in the class seem to need their moms.  He can't get enough of his new teacher.  Want's every minute of her time.  This feels awkward, like I’ve never felt before, and I leave feeling like I won't fit in with all the wonderfully nice moms I've just met, and that makes me sad.  But then 5 days later it is time to drop him off for his first real day of preschool.  The first day when the mamas leave.  What was awkward a few days ago, feels good now.  Some of these three-year-olds have never been left before.  They are crying out in pain and anguish.  Their mamas are crying too.  The pain in the family is palpable, and in one case, seeing it brings tears to my eyes, I’m hurting for how much they are hurting.  Bryson goes in happily, confidently, and there is not a doubt in my mind that he won’t.  He is all joy.  He has been waiting for this day as long as he can remember.  He got toted here in a car seat, lost here in the halls as a toddler, and waited for his sisters many times at the end of the hall in the parent area.  Now it is his turn to go into his classroom, and his heart could not be more full.  I look at him and I feel proud.  I look at the crying kids and I feel bad that my boy happily waves “ga-bye mama” after a quick hug.  I know I shouldn’t.  I’m happy because my boy is not sad.  Am I a better mama because my kid didn’t cry at preschool drop off?  No, of course not…

But I’m reminded for the millionth time in this parenting journey that there are more ways than one to do this well.  I'm getting validation from my child's happy face.  The one of three faces where I should be looking for it.  

So raw isn’t a sad word or a happy word.  It’s that my heart feels more on the outside that usual.  Which is, you know, saying a lot coming from me.  I’m noticing my failures and my successes a little more often.  I’m loving what I am, but mourning what I am not.  I can taste the tears and laughter of my own childhood.  And during this time I take a few vacation days to savor the time with them.  Then I work hard and efficiently to make the most of my time at the office.  Then I wake up early and stumble to the coffee pot to remember I am God’s child and spend time being still.  To feel that God is love.  And I am loved.  

And this raw life is beautiful and good, and it’s mine and I’m proud of it.  My kids will have their own kid hurts that make them raw, but it probably won’t be the third grade, or going to preschool for the first time.  It will be things that I can’t and do not want to anticipate.  There are beautiful blessings everywhere.  Tomorrow I will be careful to notice them.  

Be where you are, because where you are is pretty great!

But I want that hand

Something happened to today.  

I left work a little early to go meet Lily's new teacher at the big drop off your school supplies and ice cream social extravaganza.  

As we got out of the car, I had Addie's hand, and I reached for Lily's and...

She. Pulled. Away.  

Dagger to my heart, I was a little stunned but I understood...and I kept walking.  

I know other kids don't want their mom to hold their hand.  I know I didn't as a third grader.  But this is my little girl and of course she will never be like that.  

Later it happened again walking to the playground.  I didn't want to hold her hand for safety.  It's just, what we do, when we walk together.  I reached more out of absent-mindedness than anything else, but she didn't want to.  I told her sorry, for trying a second time.  (No means no, mom!)  She just looked at me with the tight lipped stare-me-down look she gets when I'm embarrassing her.  I asked her if she would still let me kiss her goodbye, and she said yes.  I asked her if she ever wanted to hold my hand.  

She said yes.  

Just not at school. 

 

The first day...again

Addie - First Day of Kindergarten - 2012

Lily - First day of Second grade - 2012

I took the first day of school off.  I decided last year to do that every year.  Every person in our family's birthday off and the first and last day of school.  It was a good idea.  

After Kindergarten I brought Addie home so we could bake.  We made some yummy Paleo chocolate chip cookies.  It was my first attempt at baking grain, sugar, and dairy free, and it turned out awesome.  The kids loved them too.  Addie and I had lunch together, played a game, baked and hung out together before it was time for to get Lily.  We did out first day of school interview.  

What's your name? Addie

How old are you? Five
What was special about today? about Kindergarten? No.  I was wondering what you were talking about.  Even stuff that aren't in my kindergarten?  I don't know what you are asking me.  Stop typing.  KINDERGARTEN!!!!!

How did you get to school?  By the car
How did you get home? By the car 
What is your teachers name? Um, I always get them mixed up about two things.  I forgot.

What's your favorite color? Blue

What's your favorite book? Cars
What's your favorite song? Everyone was kung fo fighting
What's your favorite movie? Cars
Television Show? Is it, can it be? Word World
Who's your best friend? I don't really know.  Can you pick one?  Can you list a few?  Um.  Carter, Rachel, that's it

Favorite Smell? flowers

What's your favorite kind of candy? chocolate chip cookies that we just made

Favorite Sound? I don't wheely know. 

Is there any sound you can think of that you really like to hear? The sound of an airplane like I hear right now - or something (it is a motorcycle)

What's your favorite instrument? ukulele

Favorite thing to do at school? Do cwafts. 
What do you hope to learn this year at school? To learn about bears Anything else? uh-uh.
Don't you know about bears already? But I wanna learn more

What's your favorite game? The bear game you got me
Favorite Food? Chicken nuggets
Favorite thing to drink? pink lemonade

What's your favorite animal? Bear
What's your favorite thing to do? cuddle with bear-bear and mommy
Outside? um, the parade in Joseph
Front Yard? play in the sprinkler

Back Yard? Look for butterflies with our net

What about on the swing set?  I wike to do Ninja Warrior and get acwoss without touching the bottom. the. ground.
Where's your favorite place to go? Sauvie Island
What's your favorite Toy? Bear Bear
What's your favorite thing about Lily? Um, I like to play with her

What's your favorite about Bryson?  I like to rub his face and his body because it's so soft. (LOL)
Okay, What color are Lily's eyes? Bwown

Brysons?  Blue Yours? Blue 
Anything else about Lily that you want to share? nothing else, I wanna be done
Anything else about Bryson that you want to share? I wike to cuddo with him when he doesn't kiss me in the eye
How old is Daddy? I don't know Guess.  33 Did I guess white?
How old is Mommy? I don't know. Guess. 15 (smile)

What makes you happy? To cuddle with bear bear
What do you want to be when you grow up? A wace car dwiver

What is your favorite word that Bryson says: I like him say wheel things that we don't even know what he says
What is your favorite word?um, cars
What is your favorite time of day? I like it when it's not too sunny but it is sunny
What is your favorite way to have your hair? I like it just one clippy he-o and one clippy he-o (here)
What is your favorite Holiday? 4th of July
Why? Because it's my bday and I like my bday
What other holiday do you like? I like Christmas holiday

Whose your favorite character? Lightning McQueen
What is your favorite day of the week? Fwiday

What's your favorite room in the house? my woom
What's your favorite thing about daddy?That he's my buds
What's your favorite thing about mommy? That you cuddle with me at night night
What was your favorite trip this summer? Jenny's beach house because Bryson was in the room (with her and Lily) and I like 2 people with me, and I like myself with me.  Haha.  (she said haha)
What do you like about Uncle Matt? Um.  Um. That he's nice
What about Grandma Lanie? Um. I don't weally....Um. That she's nice.
What about Grandma Carol and Grandpa Steve? They're cause they're nice
Who do you sleep with?Lily, cause we share a room.  Anyone else? only at Jenny's beach house, Bwyson slept with us.  Bear-bear
Anything else you want to share : Um, no.  What is it sharing with?  Is is sharing with my teacher.  No just with my blog.  Block.  Oh, so it's for a blog.  

I picked up Lily and thought about how at only 2pm, it was my 3rd and not last time at their school that day.  I rolled my eyes and then secretly felt like a really cool soccer mom since my next time would be for soccer practice.  We went to our favorite little local coffee shop, and I brought one of Lily's American Girl Kaya chapter books for us to read.  We finished the 4th book in the series then did her interview, all while Lily sucked down a vanilla smoothie.  

Lily: 

What's your name? Lily

How old are you? Seven n a half - do you just write what I say?
What was special about today? Uh the first day of school

How did you get to school? You took me 

How did you get home? You drove me to Metro Perc in the car
What is your teachers name? Mrs. LB 

What's your favorite color? Turquoise

What's your favorite book? The Bible, The Kaya (American Girl) books, Junie B books, and Junie B puzzle book
What's your favorite song? The sun will come out tomorrow

What's your favorite movie? Annie
Television Show? Mickey Mouse
Who's your best friend? Rachel

Who are some good friends at school? Emma, Lucy, Brady, Gavin 

Favorite Smell? The smell of mondel bread getting cooked

What's your favorite kind of candy? Um, tootsie rolls

Favorite Sound? Um, listening to songs

What's your favorite instrument? accordion

Favorite thing to do at school? Math
What do you hope to learn this year at school? Harder Math Anything else? How to type

What's your favorite game? Monopoly
Favorite Food? Ice cream and pancakes
Favorite thing to drink? chocolate milk

What's your favorite animal? Penguin
What's your favorite thing to do? Spend time with you
Outside? I think it's going to new parks that I never been there before
Front Yard? Play in the sprinkler

Back Yard? Play on the swing set

What on the swing set?  Do Ninja Warrior and do my flip on the ropes
Where's your favorite place to go? Bullwinkles and to see Grandma and Grandpa
What's your favorite Toy? My stuffed animals in my bed
What's your favorite thing about Addie? When she laughs and when she is in a happy attitude and she wants to be a big girl with me. 

What's your favorite about Bryson? When he plays with me and hugs and kisses me
Okay, What color are her eyes? Blue

Brysons?   Blue Yours? Brown Anything else about Addie that you want to share? no that's it for Addie
Anything else about Bryson that you want to share? I like putting him to bed and when he cries when I leave because he loves me, I mean, I don't like that he cries but I like that he loves me a lot.
How old is Daddy? 39
How old is Mommy? 35

What makes you happy? You and Daddy and my family
What do you want to be when you grow up? An acrobat and a teacher.  I kind of want to be be an acrobat and a teacher and a guy who cuts hair

What is your favorite word that Bryson says: he-a, he-a (here)
What is your favorite word? that I say? I don't know I like a lot of words.  So list one.  I don't know.
What is your favorite time of day? Right when I wake up so it is a long time to go to bed
What is your favorite way to have your hair? a pony in the back
What is your favorite Holiday? I think it's Christmas
Why? Because it's Jesus's birthday
What other holiday do you like? Is my birthday a holiday? no.   

Halloween and Easter and Yeah
What is your favorite day of the week? I think it's Friday, so we have the weekend and it's movie night

What's your favorite room in the house? The playroom
What's your favorite thing about daddy? When he gets me ice cream at Joseph and when he's nice to me
What's your favorite thing about mama? When she hugs and kisses me and puts me nigh night and gives me love
What was your favorite trip this summer?   The trip to Joseph, both of them, and the trip to the beaches
What do you like about Uncle Matt? I like it when he does fun things and gives me piggy back rides and let's me climb on him
What about Grandma Lanie?  When we go there, and when she reads to me, and does crafts with me and when she does fun stuff like that with me.
What about Grandma Carol and Grandpa Steve? When Gma Carol gives me chocolate milk, when she gives me ice cream for snack, and when we make Mondel Bread together.  And for Gpa Steve?When he reads me books
Who do you sleep with? I sleep with Addie and my guys.  What guys? Mickey, Penguin, Socky, Monk-Monk, Elephant, Kaya, Polar Bear, Piggie and Ducky, and turtle that Rachel likes, let me think if there is anything else.  Did we put Monkey?  Green monkey is monKEY and brown monkey is monk MONK.  And that's who I sleep with.  Wow full house.  Yeah, I pretend in my bed is my house, I pretend the foot of my house is outside in the backyard.  YUP  (nod nod nod)
Anything else  you want to share: I pretend that the blankies folded at the foot of my bed are benches outside, and their my outside furniture, and some of my stuffed animals like sockie usually sleep out there.  

Twas a wonderful full day of school.  I didn't feel as sad as the last two years.  But I did get a little teary eyed during Mrs. O's "see ya later alligator" song when she said "give a hug to your partner, Kindergartner"...that got me.  I love her, and my Addie is in Kindergarten.  Then I got choked up while reading about Kaya thinking of her sister who had been kidnapped 3 books ago and the stray dog that was leaving Kaya.  My sentimental came out in strange places on my first day of school this year, that's for sure.  I'm a blessed mama, a happy mama, a tired mama.  Good night.  

To see what I have missed

Today was a bittersweet day.  Our nanny had a death in the family and she needed to miss work today, so I got a surprise impromptu SAHM day.  For those of you out of the know in the so called "mommy wars", that stands for Stay at Home Mom.  


And I got to be one today, unexpectedly, and it was awesome.  Because it was not calendared as a day off with my kids, I didn't have any "plans".  No doctors or dentist or physical therapy appointments squeezed in, no grocery shopping or big chores to tackle.  Just step in and have the role of taking care of my children.  It's sad to admit how often I don't get to do that.  I spend a lot of time with them.  My working from home days, the weekends, vacation days, all the aforementioned appointments, I wake up with them, and go to sleep with them, I volunteer at school, and take them each on as many special outings as I can possibly squeeze in.  It's not exactly time that I'm missing, even though there is a fair amount of time I am at work.  It's something else.    


It was Lily's last day of first grade.  So first we took obligatory pictures.  Addie and Bryson even walked her to the bus with me since it was the last time this year.  Lily asked Addie to go, Bryson will always jump at the chance, but Addie usually rather hang back in the warm house with no shoes on and watch from the window.  To my surprise, she humored her sister and came along.  Addie has the best hair in the morning.  

Lily - last day of 1st grade - 4 baby teeth replace by bigs, a shoe size larger, and 3 inches taller

Lily's last day of first grade

Lily Addie Bryson (note to self- he'll sit if you don't put shoes on him when the ground is cold), Lily's last day of first grade.  

And for comparison's sake (because I must), here is the first day of First Grade: 

Lily first day of first grade 

Lily Addie Bryson - Lily first day of first grade

Lily's first day of first grade

The day today was just so great.  I finished my company's audit yesterday.  5 months of hard work was finished, my burden there was lifted.  So when Nanny asked for today off, it was a no brainer.    I was happy to have today with the kids.  Giddy actually.  It was the kind of day that, while I did check my work email on my phone to keep me off the computer, I didn't have to worry that there would be a pressing issue to address.  My boss is in Japan, my staff is competent.  I knew that there was not one thing that couldn't wait until tomorrow.  So I just got to be with kids.  I did go to the grocery store with them, at our leisure, I did get the dishes done and the house picked up, I did sit outside in the sun and watch them play for a few hours, I did pick Lily up from her last day of first grade, I did go through her school binder and decide what to save and what to toss, and I did turn the guest bedroom into a scrapbook room vs a homework room for the summer-together with Lily.  I did get to snap this picture with Lily and her teacher on their last day of school. 

Lily with Mrs M on the last day of First Grade - We LOVE you Mrs. M!!

There were so many parents there, you would have thought it was the first day of school.  We had to park blocks from the school.  I didn't have to worry about a stroller for Bryson, because we had all the time we needed, no rush, just walk at his pace all those blocks to the school.  Some moms had flowers, flowers, for their first graders last day of school.  Wow.  Flowers!  I was happy to just be there, but my hands were empty.  Or full, rather, of Addie and Bryson's hands.  I looked around at all the moms who were there, and I felt proud to be there, standing among them.  I couldn't help but look at all the moms who planned to be there, who knew they'd be there all week, who were not there due to a sad circumstance in their child care provider's life.  I was there, it shouldn't matter.  But it did a little.  It's just hard for me not to want that life.  


Today was a blessing, a wonderful amazing blessing.  Not because they didn't fight, and tattle, and make messes, and throw tantrums and get time outs.  Not because I never lost my patience repeatedly telling them to stay in or out of the hard to push car shaped shopping cart, not to climb in and out over and over and teach your little brother to do the same.  Not because I got a moment of time to myself.  Not because I didn't try to accomplish some organizing and other general cleaning, as they messed it up faster than I could beautify it.  Not because I'm not dead tired right now.  All of those things happened.  I don't pretend to think this life is easy or restful.  But I got to be there for it in a very relaxed, I have nothing else I need to be doing, this is my only job sort of way.  I never get that.  Not on vacation, not on the weekends.  This is not my only job.  It's hard to admit, because I'm afraid that mothers who read this and stay at home as their job, might pity me, or pity my kids, or think I'm less of a mother.  Maybe it's saying out loud that sometimes I think I'm less of a mother.    Especially today, when I see all the little things I miss.  While I'm living on the scraps of motherhood.


And the truth is, if they did, oh well.  I know I'm where I have to be right now.  I know that Lawrence and I have made the choice for our family that works.  We work together to make this work in a way that works for us.  We have an amazing young woman who fills in the gaps and takes care of our kids with incredible love and intention.  Maybe someday things will change, maybe they won't.  I pray that if it is God's will for me to have a different role in this family, that He will open doors for us to make that happen.  But as things stand right now, I am grateful, we are grateful.  Grateful for my late mornings and Lawrence's early ones, giving way to his early afternoons, which allows for home cooked meals and coaching opportunities and early bedtimes and lots of rest.  Grateful to have a daddy for my children that takes on his three blessings without wincing at how much work it will be.  Grateful for my work from home days that allow for even later mornings and volunteering in the class room during a lunch hour here and there and no commute time and putting kids down for naps and having lunch together.  


But a day like today leaves me aching for another full day with them, and another.  It's like I said, I get to see what I am missing.  And, even full of gratitude, when I'm completely honest with myself I do miss it.  I know staying at home with small children is not easy, but I hope that all the mamas who are living that life, enjoy the days that are given to them.  Because if I got to redo any day over and over again, it would be one like today.  


Today was a bittersweet day.  I can't believe some mothers get to wake up and be this kind of mother every day.  I hope they are able to see that amazing blessing for themselves.  Every day.  Even though I don't get to do today again tomorrow.  I did it well, today, and it gives me refocusing perspective that I needed after a season of hard.  I have a lifetime of good ahead of me.  

(not so) Wordless Wednesday - First and Last days of preschool

There is so much fanfare regarding school being out, and isn't it amazing that not.one.parent.I.know. can believe how old their kids are?  Present company included.  We sit around focusing and dwelling on these little people 99.5% of our lives and then we cannot believe it when they get older.   Weeks go slow but years go so fast.  Just how it works, I guess.  

Addie had two wonderful years at GCS, and here are her before and after photos to prove it. :)  


3s Preschool - First Day

First day of 3s preschool - September 2010

First Day of 3s Preschool - September 2010

First Day of 3s Preschool - September 2010 - With Mrs K - We LOVE you Mrs K!

Addie with Bryson - First Day of 3s Preschool - September 2010

3s Preschool -Last Day 

Last Day of 3s with Mrs K

PreK - First Day

First Day of PreK - September 2011

First Day of PreK - September 2011 - With Bryson

First Day of PreK - September 2011

First Day of PreK - September 2011 - With Mrs. G - We love you too, Mrs G!

PreK - Last Day

Last Day of PreK - June 2012

Last Day of PreK - June 2012

Last Day of PreK - June 2012 - With Bryson, who refused to sit for photography history's sake!

Last Day of PreK - June 2012 - With Mrs G & Baxter

Oh how my little peanut almond (she's still allergic to peanuts) has grown up.  And then not that much too.  I put her in the same shirt to end the 4s year that Lily wore on her first day of PreK, just for fun.  :)  Lily is the exact age on her first day of PreK that Addie was on her last day of PreK.  If you click here you will also see me at that same age.  Fun! You know I get no greater joy than comparisons!

Kind of wordy for a Wordless Wednesday, but you know that's how I roll! :)

Week of Addie

It seems like the kids go through cycles getting a lot of focus, and this week it was finally Addie's turn to be in the spotlight.  And boy was she!


Last Friday we had a program at her school. She told us she was going to be the loudest to make sure we could hear her if we sat way in the back.  She was not kidding! She sang loud and enunciated and smiled and made some of the funniest faces I had seen in a while.  Here are a few examples.  If you can't turn up the sound because you are at work, that's okay...you don't need sound to get how funny this is. 
This is my quiet, reserved, sensitive middle child, singing with 47 other kids, and you could hear her the loudest.  In fact, she been getting louder in many aspects of her life.  I look at her and I sense that she's struggling to find her voice in many forms.  Unfortunately it seems like she finds it sounding like a 2.5 year old whining baby, rather than an almost-five-year-old big girl.  Her voice in general still sounds very baby like, the squeakiness, the pronunciation, the shyness.  Not in a way that worries me about her speech, just in a way that shows me she isn't confident yet in her voice.  Not like Lily was at this age.  The voice that helps her to know where she fits in, both in our family and in the world.  She's strong willed and sweet and stubborn.  She doesn't people please, but loves to be the biggest helper you've ever had.  Man, and I always said I was going to have a middle child who didn't act like a middle child, who had not "middle-child issues".  You know, because I am above those stereotypes. Heh.  I really should stop 'always' saying things.  Well, she acts exactly like an in the middle middle child.  I think that's hard.  It's hard being the oldest, and it's hard being the baby, but both of those roles have such perks.  Not many perks to being the middle child.  Perhaps that is why God made her so strikingly beautiful and small enough to put in your pocket.  Her place is deep in the hearts of many who love her.

She is tucked so deep in my heart.  My heart jumps looking at these two girls loving each other.  

We let Lily get out of school for a few hours to come to the performance.  And they were both so excited that Lily was there.  Bryson was there too, no picture, but I'll give him credit for some of the shakey video work, even though it's probably not his fault.  


Saturday, Addie got to go to a birthday party for a friend who she's known since she was 3 weeks old!  It was so sweet to see the little group of 5 or almost 5 year olds running around in a little pack, getting sweaty doing all there is to do at Out of This World Pizza.  

Ryan, Benjamin, Nathan, Hope, Jaden, and Addie - Yes, that tall boy is in her class!

Addie had a great time, and we had a wonderful 45 minute drive each way to get to the party, talking and laughing.  On the way home from the party, we had a special conversation and I even pulled over so we could say a prayer together.  More special than I can explain.

Bear Bear Tea Party

Yesterday was more Addie and Mama time.  

It was her last field trip at school.  I thought that I wouldn't be able to go because it was in May and I just have to cross all fun things in May off my list.  Or do I? It happened that I was not feeling well on Monday, and somehow the auditors got along without me.  I worked hard with them on Tuesday and realized they could do without me in the morning if I snuck away with Addie before their afternoon seminar.  So I did, and it was drizzly, a little rainy, and awesome.  Just the two of us for most of the morning, meeting up with the class and our friends at different check points.  

Middle children UNITE - Here is Addie and her friend Benjamin getting a picture in front of her FAVORITE animal!  Can't you tell?

Okay, so that's that.  A week of Addie.  Now I can go off and make Memorial Day weekend memories with this amazing family (and my mom and brother) and I didn't let this wonderful week with my wonderful middle girl get lost in the shuffle.  


Yay for things not getting lost in the shuffle.  Especially Addie.  

I love you Addie!


Focus on today and make it a great one my friends! 


Today's verse: 
Matthew 6:

³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Wordless Wednesday - Piglet's friend of the week

My Addie

Addie's favorite color is blue
She likes Lighting McQueen, Littlest Pet Shop, and Hello Kitty
She had won 2 medals for charity races she's done with dad
Addie is a self-proclaimed "puzzler"
Addie's favorite teams are University of Montana and Ohio State
Addie learned to ski last year, and just got her own blue helmet and blue goggles
Addie likes to snow shoe and cross country ski - she blows everyone away because she has to take twice the steps as everyone else
Her favorite activity is running
She want's to be a race car driver when she grows up
Her best friend is Bear - Bear
She and daddy call each other "buds"
Lily made Addie a "Star of the week" star for Addie to wear for Christmas
Addie's last birthday theme was Handy Manny
Addie just started Karate last month and LOVES it


Addie is my sweet, small, feisty, athletic, beautiful, helpful, wonderful blue eyed girl.  She is also Piglet's friend of the week at school.  So she's a pretty big deal.

How can it be?

This shouldn’t have been harder than last year.  But it is. 

Every year sounds so much older than the last. 

I just dropped my first child off for her first day of first grade. 

As my well adjusted, excited baby girl happily found her cubby, coat hook, and name at the table, my eyes swelled and I was [just a tad bit] jealous of the mom consoling her sobbing little boy in the corner of the room.  If only a little.  She reminded me on the walk from the car to the school of how much she loved me.  "As much as she can", she said.  I'm just behind God in the ranking of her heart she listed.  More than any other human, she articulated.  But she wasn't nervous, and she didn't need me.  I'm so grateful, I'm weepy.  I'm so amazed, my breath is caught in my throat. 

When I first had Lily and I met another mom who had a first grader, I thought she lived on another planet than I did.  SIX YEARS OLD WAS SO OLD.  In some ways that other mom DID live on another planet than I did.  But that was like yesterday.  And it was also like a million years ago.


Each and every milestone blindsides me, and I'm constantly in awe of how fast time goes, and how weird it is when I look back at 5-6-7 years ago, and it feels like both the blink of an eye and an eternity, simulaneously.  


I know I'm not alone, parents across the country are posting first day of school pictures.  Friends I graduated with have kids starting high school, middle school, elementary, and kindergarten. Each parent is amazed as they post their own smiling picture of their little one complete with new outfit and new backpack on Facebook.  And the overwhelming majority of comments are along the lines of "look how grown up they are" from friends who haven't seen them lately or "enjoy it, it will go so fast" from empty nester who want us parents with young kids to love each moment for what it is as they ponder their own life as it was just yesterday and a million years ago. 


And still.  My day is my own.  I experience it alone and with millions of other parents.   


How can my baby girl be in first grade already?  HOW?

How did this...

Become this?

How did this: 

and this

 Become THIS!:

Heck, if I could, I'd rewind just one year and take THIS back!

 Kindergarten didn't sound as old as first grade.  Just like 5 didn't sound as old as 6.  And 6 doesn't sound as old as quickly approaching 7.  
In a minute I will have a 7,4,&2 year old.  So much different than a 6,3,&1 year old.  Or at least to me it is.  To that new mom nearly years ago it was. 

I love her as she is today.  Sweet.  Smart.  Beautiful.  All the things I prayed for her to be when she was this...

But it doesn't make it any easier to believe that we are here...that this happy, non-sleeping baby, the amazing one who changed my life and made me a mommy...that today she is off enjoying her first packed school lunch, her first school recess, her first full day...that today is her first day as a first grader.