Loads of back-to-school blessings

First things first.  After being pee-trained since April! Bryson started pooping on the potty on a consistent basis.  So after 8 years, 10 months, and weeks....I am finally DONE changing poopy diapers, once and for all (I hope!)!  Also, Uncle Matt can finally babysit all three of my kids at once without Heather, now that the possibility of poo is not in the mix.  Ha.

We saw our first movie in the theatre as a family of five!  Also Bryson and Lily's first movie in the theatre.  It was a great last day of summer!  

Remember how Lily didn't want to hold my hand at the Ice Cream Social?  Ouch.  Well on the first day of school, I took the day off work, and I walked them to their classrooms, and she held my hand most of the way.  She was a little bit weird when I dropped her off at her classroom, because we'd been in Addie's class too long, so I took a snap and bolted.  But after school, she held my hand the whole way to the car, and from the car to stores to look for a new dress and from the car to Red Robin to get root beer and recap the day.  The real blessing here was not that she held my hand, but that I paid attention.  I felt her hand in my heart, I savored it, I was grateful for as much time as she would let me hold.  My heart was so happy.  

In Addie's soccer game last Saturday she scored 5 goals.  She was awesome.  Or should I say Osum? She was also a little cocky confident, I heard that after her third goal she was holding up three fingers back down the field.  

Lawrence and I did the Warrior Dash together.  I was awesome.  I'm only sort of kidding, I really impressed myself.  After planning to sort of dial it in and skip obstacles I didn't want to do, I got going and pushed hard.  We ran the whole race together and I did every obstacle.  One I needed a little boost from Lawrence and one I fell off of.  But I did it, and it was a great time.

Lily set a goal for herself to read 75 books over the summer, she did that and more.  Now she has read up all the box car children books that I got at the library and is ready for number 30-40 to be reserved at the library.  I LOVE the teacher she got this year.

My company had a "summer party" on the second day of school.  That was not the blessing part.  It was at OMSI and while we didn't spend a whole lot of time connecting with work people it was a really fun family night.  Since I work downtown, Lawrence met me there with the kids.  As Lily and I were leaving, I looked across at our city.  It was so beautiful in the setting sun.  I made my girl go stand in front of the skyline to add to the beauty.

Actually I will make that it's own blessing.  I LOVE all the kid's teachers this year.  Teachers are so awesome.

This was our first week with no nanny.  I have had someone in my house, taking care of my kids, at least on a part time basis, since Addie was born.  This week went great.  Lawrence went in early and I was on my own.  I got up early, everyone got up and ready with happy hearts and on time.  I even left that house cleanish.  Did you hear that?  Happy. Hearts. And. On. Time.  Mamas of three know what a miracle this is.

On Monday, we pulled up to Bryson's new 2 day a week childcare provider, let's call her "SuperSitter". She helped us out earlier in the year when our nanny had her surgery.  Bryson announced as we pulled up, "I LOVE SuperSitter's house!!"  I LOVED hearing that.  And I already told you yesterday how well he did at Preschool.  This kid is loving that he isn't getting left at home anymore, he has places to be, things to do! Blessing!

I survived a grueling two day New York Sales Tax Audit this week.  Not a blessing per se, but I work with some great ladies who helped me pull FOUR HUNDRED AND THIRTY additional records from the last 4 years that the auditor requested last minute. It was not pretty, but...It's done!

A few days ago, Addie was excited to tell me that she played football at recess with her best friend C who isn't in her class this year.  The next day I asked her if she played football with the boys again, she said, 'They don't really pass to me, I just run all around and stuff".  Awesome.

In other news, Addie and Bryson both have their first recess this year, it is pretty much the best thing for each of them.  

The week before school started Addie had her oral challenge to test for Peanuts after having 2 negative skin tests and 2 negative blood tests, after 5 years of her allergy getting worse and worse, it is gone!  We had an ice cream party to celebrate, with lots of peanut toppings!

I have been a little off this week, as I mentioned yesterday.  I've been making things work, getting there on time, being proud of the little things, but jeez at the end of the day, I am spent.  Lawrence has been making up the difference.  Yesterday he coached Lily's soccer team of 10 girls alone with Bryson on the side lines (good friends who are parents of the other kids on the team - BLESSING!).  He has just been in a great mood.  I don't love it when one of us is feeling slumpy, but I love the way we work together as a team.  

Having Lawrence on my team, might not be the one I give them most attention to, but it's also my biggest blessing of all.  

Got Milk?

Yesterday was a big day for the Herman family.  For the first time ever, all members were able to share a pizza and ice cream together! 

Addie had a food challenge at the allergist where she drank milk (which by the 3rd serving (1/2 a cc) she wouldn't drink and actually puked up the 3rd dosage, due to milk's grossness), so then ate yogurt in 30 minute intervals at increasing amounts for 6 hrs.  I ran out for chocolate milk after the vomit, but by that time she was doing well with the yogurt so she stuck with that, she has had 2 cups of chocolate milk since. 

She was so so excited, and we were excited for her.  She was like a crazy woman last night, so so so happy.  What an amazing blessing it is not to have this worry for her, especially as she goes to preschool and camps this summer.  She is still allergic to peanuts, and we will go back next year to test for that, but next to this milk allergy, that feels so easy to deal with. Today they were baking in her preschool class, how nice it was not to bring something different for her or buy all the Addie safe ingredients for the whole class to use!

I think she places much of her identity in being allergic and having "special" foods, so we were careful to make sure she knew that she was VERY SPECIAL for getting to eat this and that for the first time.  We'll continue with that. 

She gobbled up her pizza like nobody's business, I wish I had that on video.  Yay, Addie, we love you very much!

16 months

Wow. A month since I last posted.

I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. An itty bitty teeny tiny light. But a light nonetheless. On Tuesday, I felt like I wanted to blog for the first time in a very long time, that's a good thing, right?

So 16 months, as the header, that's Bryson's age today, if you didn't know.

I'm almost ready to say 1.5 years instead of just one. I can't believe it .  He has like 6 teeth coming in and is a drooley snotty monster who eats all of our perfectly cared for board books.  A monster who says "I love you" and gives real kisses now, but a monster nonetheless.  His love for Mickey Mouse has gotten stronger, and Gma helped that out by bringing him a MM that is the same size as him.  We put an Elmo diaper on Mickey yesterday and I think the kid almost exploded.  We are in the stage of throw yourself on the floor tantrums.  Unlike the big sisters before him, it doesn't infuriate me when he does it.  I often have to turn away to hide my laughter.  He's been taking great delight in eating yogurt, closing his eyes and really enjoying it as you shovel it in.  FUNNY.  His vocab has expanded exponentially in the last month, there isn't a word you can say that he doesn't repeat.  Today the kids and Julia skyped with Bean-Bean and so Sabine got to hear him SAY Bean-Bean for the first time.  How lovely! :)  He said Uncle Matt to Uncle Matt the other day too.  Skyping is NOT easy with the little guy who sees numerous buttons to push and is NOT okay with the fact that they are not there for his pounding, but Julia discovered that the high chair is the perfect place for him to skype! :)  Little guy also got his first black eye this month, running with a cash register in his arms over a pile of pillows. 

Addie had an allergy test on Tuesday, it was her annual one, a couple of months late, because that's the way things have been going around here. She's had a few exposures to milk in baked goods lately, accidentally of course. We sit with Benadryl and Epi-Pen in hand, with held breath, but no reaction. So we were hopeful, that we would get the results we did. Her milk allergy showed up negative!! After 3 years of it being considered severe anaphylaxis. She hadn't had any accidental milk exposure for 2 years (at which time she vomited profusely and was instantly covered in hives). So a cookie at school and some break with Grandma and Julie with no reaction left us hopeful. On Wednesday she goes in for a 6 hr food challenge where they rub some milk on her skin and give it to her to drink in small increasing increments, 20 minutes at a time, monitoring her vitals the whole time. We are encouraged to bring chocolate syrup because a kid who has never tried milk might consider it quite yucky! :)

Lily is playing Tball and really loves it.  She is quite good too.  You know, for Tball.  Lawrence is coaching and the two of them have really enjoyed some special bonding and growing together.  Her bangs are grown out now, and she got her ears pierced with her Grandma.  She has taken VERY good care of them, and still cleans them twice a day.  I was a little bit disappointed to miss the big event (they did it while I was at work) but I was thrilled that Julia got a video, and my cousin, Rose reminded me that while I didn't share that memory with her, she will have that special memory with her Grandma Carol and wouldn't I have loved to have that with my Grandmother.  So true.  Lily is growing up so fast and is becoming more and more of a beautiful and mature young lady.  She is a DELIGHT to spend time with, and is such a big helper around the house.  When she found out about Addie's allergy test she picked her up and carried her around the house.  She was so excited that LILY might as well have been the one who might get the chance to taste Ice Cream for the first time.  It was so sweet.  Here is the video of her ears:

I went to a women's retreat with my church to Cannon Beach last weekend and it was amazing.  I was reminded AGAIN, how much God loves me, no matter where I am at in my life, no matter what I am struggling with, no matter.  I don't have to do anything to get this love, I don't deserve it, I don't have to work for it, it just is.  It's hard to wrap my brain around that, and I can only imagine a sliver glimpse of it through the love from my mother and the love I have for my kids.  I went for a run on the beach and it was just amazing.  The waves, Haystack rock, the music in my headphones, God's love surrounding me, the majesty of the oceans.  I wish I could start every single day that way.  Except for my old aching knees.  Seriously, my knees think they are 90.  I have been working out since Feb 1.  I started with a 30 day Shred, and have continued with other Jillian Michael's workout videos mostly, we are an accountability group of about 7.  We started off as a group of about 20, but there are still 7 of us working out every day with scheduled days off, checking in with each other.  It is an eclectic group of strong women in my life and I'm grateful for it.  Lawrence and I ran a 5K with a college friend a few weeks ago when his mom was here visiting.  It was really good, I ran the whole way finished in 33ish minutes, a 10:55 mile pace which surpassed my goal of not walking and finishing under 40 minutes! :)  A great accomplishment. 

Work has been unbearable, so my wonderful husband, my beautiful kids, a few friends, exercise, God, and faith that things will get easier one way or another has been getting me through each day.

I want to come here more.  I want to feel like blogging.  I want to feel like writing and documenting the feelings that I have.  But that's not where I've been, that's not what I felt like.  So for now, I will come here when I can, when I feel like it.  Share what I want to, and not feel guilty for missing the past 5 months of stuff I've missed.  I'm learning a lot about myself, how much I can handle, and letting myself off the hook when I need to.  I really celebrated a good day on Tuesday.  In fact, this week has been the week first in 75 days when I won't meet the workout goals that I set in front of myself for the week, that I "only" workout 3 days this week, instead of 5.  As I took a long hard look at what motivates me, I realized that might mean I'm doing better, I've been clinging to exercise and the daily endorphins it brings like a life preserver.  It is something I can control and improve when everything else seemed to be unmanageable.  So does that mean not working out and eating 77 individually mini pastel wrapped Reeses Peanut Butter Cups is a good thing?  SURE!  That's what I'm going to tell myself anyway...

These feet

These Eyes

 

These Smiles

Make my world go 'round

Making my day

The whole Herman family had a wonderful day today.

Lawrence took Lily skiing and she did AWESOME. She made a new friend, Aurora and they skied together the whole day.

Addie and Bryson and I went to church, and somehow I managed. Addie went to her class and they told me she was a perfect doll. She brought her own snack, and thinks having allergies makes her cool. Then we had a good day at home, I got them both to nap at the same time, right after I got Bryson to smile at me, on demand. Meaning he smiled when I came to him and he did it several times. Enough times for me to get a camera. And then I even got a picture, with the delay and everything!

I was all ready to post the pictures of skiing, but the camera has been temporarily misplaced in all the chaos of the evening. **Updated to read: FOUND IT!!!

Kids are in bed. Tomorrow begins day one of 30 day shred with 4 super cool and super supportive ladies. I watched it today for a preview of what I was getting into. I'll admit, it doesn't look too bad while I'm laying down watching it!

Yay for a good day! Friday night Bryson slept for 6 hrs, last night I thought he would repeat but instead he slept 7-11 and I woke him and did a dream feed at 11 before I went to bed (same as the night before) and he woke up every 2 hrs all night. So, we aren't there yet, but he's been going down for every nap and bed time awake, putting himself to sleep with no crying. It requires really watching his tired cues, but it's worth it. He isn't even fussy anymore. Seriously we have a whole new baby than we did 2 weeks ago.

More good days to come...

No milk for you

Yesterday Bryson was 3 weeks old. He weighed 9lbs 8oz, up 1 pound since the week before!

Since his fussiness has gotten worse, I called my lactation consultant on Saturday and asked her what I should look for to see if he had reflux because that seemed to be a common question I was getting from other mamas when I mentioned how fussy he is.

Oh wait, he is screaming...maybe more later...

Okay, I'm back.

Lactation Laurie said she could tell if he had reflux in about 5 minutes if she could watch him eat. She was certain his fussiness was due to a feeding issue. When I asked her how she knew, she said "because I have been doing this for 28 years and what you are describing is not that uncommon". Oh.

So as soon as she took him out of his carseat on Sunday morning she said, "OH MY GOSH, this boy is FILLED with gas." He is so gassy and has cramps and that is the issue. She didn't think it was a milk sensitivity because that normally comes with crusty eyebrows and cradle cap, which he doesn't have, but after looking at him a little more, and seeing that he is nursing well, for sure no reflux, gaining well, just gassier than gassy can be...she decided to have me try no milk protein in my diet for the next three weeks. Also I'm giving him infant gas drops before each feeding.

Sunday night was horrible. Lawrence was out returning the TV we borrowed for the buckeye game. He just screamed in pain, inconsolable for 2 straight hours, and I was alone. I know friends who've had babies with colic, who cry for 4 hrs per night every night for 4 months, and I could not have imagined. Two hours felt like an eternity. At the end when he finally went to sleep I felt exhausted and worn out and numb.

So we had a pediatrician appt yesterday and his circumcision is finally all healed up. She confirmed everything Laurie said, agreed with most of the suggestions, though said if I wasn't seeing a difference in 10 days of dairy free, she would probably stop and not go the next 10.

He had a great day yesterday, napped well, lots of happy awake time. Lots of TOOTING! Last night was a little rough, and today I'm beat. Today hasn't been as good as yesterday but I do see a bit of an improvement over a week ago.

Dairy free is hard for me to do. I have everything in the house because of Addie's allergy. But I don't like soy. At all. And there is no French Vanilla Coffee Creamer at Albertsons, even the dairy free has milk in it. Go figure. But I plan to try Trader Joes or Whole Foods to find something I can put in my coffee.

So Lynnette, Sharon, anyone else out there who gave up milk protein for a YEAR, any suggestions...advice...how quickly is this gonna work?

And Laurie did say part of this is just his personality. He has a hot temper and wants what he wants NOW!

Man...it probably goes with out saying but a non fussy baby is so much easier. Addie, you spoiled the CRAP out of me!!

I'm worn out, I'm tired, there's not much in the tank for the girls...but I'm making it through, on very little caffeine and sleep...or protein...all of my favorite snacks are dairy.

Someday my daughters will forgive me for being such an impatient mama with no energy for them. At least I got a nap yesterday, today, I laid down for a while, but couldn't sleep because of a headache and some other stresses I couldn't stop thinking about.

Our old nanny Katy is visiting tonight and so is my aunt and cousin...

...and wouldn't you know it...

It's time to nurse again. Three hours passes at the blink of an eye!

Man, I wanna love nursing...but...

Mom's shouldn't be allowed to get sick

Or maybe I should title this...Don't Cry Over No Milk.

I felt it coming on for a few days, the sore throat and runny nose. But I ignored it, took my vitamins vigilantly and attempted to get enough rest. Both girls were sick all last week with a cough and a cold - so sleeping through the night was nonexistent. Thursday morning there was no denying it was here, and by Thursday afternoon I could barely make it to the evening. Friday I felt terrible. I HATE being sick.

So while working from home Friday, when I went downstairs during lunch time to find out what all the hub bub was about between Lily and Sabine, I found out that we were out of milk. And butter. And bread. Sabine didn't realize this before she made Lily her wish of Mac n Chz. So Addie was sitting there happily with her milk-free mac noodles and ketchup (gross I know but she LOVES it), and Lily was crying on the stairs being mean to Sabine that there was no milk. FINALLY after I reasoned with her (and figured out that the milk problem was about actual lunch and not just her wantign a glass of it to drink), she decided she would accept a PB&J instead...oh but there was no bread either. Crap. Crap. Crap Crap.

This should not have been a big deal. Lawrence was running to the store that afternoon to get some staples and dinner supplies for the week. My brother left that morning after staying for a night passing through to see the girls, so Lily was particularly sensitive, and really, to her, it was the end of the world that there was no milk. And every time she pulled it together, she would look at my with her big brown eyes welling with tears. "But Mama, why don't we have any milk? I really need some milk" voice cracking and falling apart.

If I were a rational person, I probably would have just run out (in my pjs with no bra and unbrushed teeth or hair nose dripping-hugely pregnant state) and got the milk, so life could have gone on. But instead, I sympathized with Lily, comforted her, and finally sent her to her room until she could pull it together because she could not stop whining about the milk situation - and I couldn't help her. As I dug in the fridge, I coulnd't find anything else for her to have for lunch either, and she needed to leave for school in a half hour. Sabine finally remembered that we had some of Addie's milk free bread, which at $4/loaf is normally off limits to the rest of the family, we made Lily a PB&J using that, and then I gave her my water bottle with Lemon Sustain powder in it as her special drink. All was okay.

I apologized to Sabine that there was no food in the house and went back upstairs to work.

But instead of working...I. Fell. Apart.

I cried and cried at what a failure of a mom I was that we didn't have enough food. I cried because the State of Oregon Unemployment department are assholes. I cried because hormones are raging through my body and even though it wasn't rational, I couldn't stop crying for hours. Was there enough money in the account for milk and bread and butter? Of course there was. Did that matter? Not to me. For some reason, not having enough food equaled complete failure and demise of the family. So not rational, but unless you have been broke and pregnant at the same time - you may not judge. Even after Lawrence got back from the store and the fridge was full again, I would start to cry again each time I thought of our state of milklessness that morning. I felt sorry for Sabine for getting such a terrible family to live with. One that would allow all the milk to be drank. I cried again. And again. Every time I thought about it. More tears.

My friend Carrie suggested maybe I skip Women of Faith, which I had a free ticket to that night. She thought I needed rest, and I didn't consider it because I knew I needed the "me" time to be uplifted and encouraged and drug out of my deep dark hole of not having milk in the house.

For the rest of the weekend my voice and head was so stuffed up, mostly because of the cold but the 4 straight hours of crying couldn't have helped. I went to WOF that night, but looked like I had been beaten up from all the tears and nose blowing. I went in a brown velour jogging suit/hoodie outfit, so I really dressed up for the occasion. It said to wear comfortable clothes on the website, and I was so numb from all the crying, I couldn't bare to put on a piece of clothing that restricted me in any way. Unfortunately there was a bomb threat and the Rose Garden was evacuated and shut down - before I even got in the door. I didn't really even mind, just a little disappointed and I was happy to get home early and up bright and early and go again on Saturday morning. The day was amazing. I was uplifted and encouraged. My mom was at our house with Lawrence, he and the girls had a WONDERFUL day everyone with great behavior. And while I drove home Saturday evening and I thought about "that time that I had fallen apart over milk" it seemed like a million years ago, not yesterday. I even smiled about it - back when I was so crazy and hormonal that I even cried about not having bread and butter! HA! That girl...(insert head shake and eye roll).

I have to be thankful for two of my friends who "got" me, Jeanine and Carrie. I know they both felt helpless and a little worried but they got me. And to my husband and my mother in law, who did not really get me, I'm thankful that they both helped me too. They were there for me, and they comforted me as best as they could, Lawrence - not sure why it even bothered me because he was going to the store in a minute? and my MIL not sure if we were really THAT broke - and could she send me money to buy milk? or what? How could I be helped?

Sometimes when the damn breaks and the flood gate of emotions come...you just have to go with it. You have to allow yourself to feel that something is the end of the world, even though it isn't. You have to look deep within yourself and understand why a silly little thing equals failure to you. And then you have to look back and smile and love yourself that you care so much about a silly little thing. And if you are really really lucky, you will smile and look back only a few days later. If the perfect storm is brewing in your emotional life, a good cry is the only thing that helps.

This weekend God reminded me that he doesn't love me because I'm perfect, he loves me because I'm me. He wants me to let go of these problems to show that He is bigger than anything I could ever worry about. He has plans for me that I can't begin to imagine, and He will not allow me to starve! In being reminded (again!) of His love, I looked at my life around me and saw how many other people love me with the same kind of love that God has for us. People who love me not in spite of my weaknesses - but because of them. Those are the people who model God's love for us here on earth. The people that are your safe place, who will not judge for your failings, no matter how silly or large they may be.

To the people who love me because I cry over no milk, I am thankful.