Mean girls

This has been a really rough week for me.  I know I haven't blogged for a while.  It may feel like I'm talking from the middle, and that's okay, this if for me.  

Much of this week, in those few precious hours I have with my kids before work and before I tuck them in for bed, the kids, the girls especially, have been…mean...to me.  Mean because they over slept, mean because I hurried them to get their shoes on, mean because one sibling took up time that they wanted from me, mean because I said no to another piece of chocolate, mean because I asked them to stop being mean.  

I'm worn.  I feel particularly disheartened because maybe for the first time, I feel like can't reason with them, like they don't care.  They've always cared before.  

These big-hearted loves of mine, they are growing up, and I race ahead wondering what will ever happen to me and my tender heart when they are teenagers.  When their mean is not because they don't want to go to bed, or in an argument over movie night, but it is meanness over stuff that matters and stuff that lasts?  

Am I screwing it all up?  Today I looked at Addie as she screamed at me in anger.  I think it was an emotional issue not a discipline issue.  I did discipline, but it didn't feel right.  I was calm on the outside but raging inside, I had to fight hard for the calm.  Her yelling and raging lasted for so long, I kind of fell apart on the inside, while I told her I loved her and I would help her with whatever it was that was upsetting if she just stopped screaming at me.  Eventually she did, and while she had a nice evening, I couldn't help but wonder if I did it all wrong, letting her have movie night anyway, and sleep in the playroom with her sister.  Finally at bedtime, while getting the playroom sleepover setup, when Addie was sweet and kind and loving, Lily was short and rude and exasperated with me for the third night in a row, mad that I was setting up the bedding wrong.  She sighs heavily and cliches the muscles in her neck and shoulders and shakes looking at me with big eyes like she just can't take me and my annoying blanket folding ideas for one more moment.  While I prayed with her for the first night in 3, I cried because we are hurting each other and we don't know why and we aren't even really sure how to stop.  

Lily cried too.  

Much better at expressing herself than her sister who just whimpers and whines, Lily said that she has felt like she wanted to mean lately and she doesn't know why.  She admitted that it's not just me, she really has been acting mean, and she wants to stop.  She will try to do better tomorrow.  

So will I.  

Tonight though, I sit here sad, and exhausted, emotionally very tired.  And yet ever hopeful and thankful that tomorrow is a new day, that I can live in that day, not race ahead to borrow worries of a day ahead that could be harder than this.  

stream of consciousness from the cul de sac

on monday we went to the cul de sac a few blocks from our house.  just us girls.  dad and bryson took a bath while we got the bikes and helmets out after dinner.  they promised me that they were okay with only the half an hour we had to ride.  i carried addie's bike down our steep hill and lily pushed her own. when we got to the cul de sac they rode around.  addie hasn't ridden much after advancing from trike to training wheels, so she was getting used to pushing forward on the pedals to go and pushing backward on the pedals to stop.  every so often she would push backward on accident and lurch to an unexpected stop.  i sat in the sun on the curb marveling at them.  blessings.  they started riding laps around the circle and asking me to count.  addie's laps were much smaller as she attempted to catch up to lily's count.  lily slowed and let her.  they cheered around lap 25 when they were together.  they lapped together until 50.  they celebrated my undivided attention.  i had no where to be and nothing to do but count those laps.  addie kept going in her little circles until lap 70.  she'd smile with accomplishment as she passed me each time, working hard to make those little circles, looking at me with eyebrows raised and a smile, like 'mama, you got that one?'  


a girl from lily's kindergarten class appeared on the sidewalk with another girl, holding hands.  this girl rides the bus with lily and was her first friend last year when they started kindergarten.  she said hi to lily and lily said hi.  every lap lily made around with her little sister, i watched her linger watching the kids her age play.  i heard them talking about telling their dad on a boy who was running around with them.  lily looked on curiously.  i asked her if she wished she could play with them.  she said they didn't seem interested.  in playing with her, that is.  i winced.  the hint of rejection for my little girl.  she said they were telling on someone but she didn't know who.  then she kept riding and looking and lingering, but she asked me to stop counting her laps.  she gave addie some tips on getting going when the pedals aren't in the right place, when you want to start without putting your feet on the ground.  i smiled at her helpfulness toward her little sister.  her little sister grimaced and rode away with a sharp 'i know how, lily'.  even though she didn't.   


i gave the girls their 10 minute warning, and 10 minutes later i gave a 5 minute warning, and i knew we really needed to get home for much needed showers, so about 30 minutes after the first warning, i was reluctantly standing back up and we were circling to go.  we decided to ride home another longer way that wasn't so steep.  a way that they could ride their bikes most of the way, but it isn't totally flat.  lily circles the cul de sac over and over to get momentum up.  i pushed addie ahead and she pedaled hard.  lily caught up to us at the corner.  i told her to keep going, but to stop at the stop sign.  she was able to ride all the way to the stop sign, a few more blocks up a slight hill, she stopped as instructed, and when we caught up with her, she was mad that she had to stop.  that her momentum was gone.  i gave her a mini- lecture about safety and we crossed the intersections after several cars had passed.  lily rode hard until the bottom of our hill, about 2 blocks from our house and then got off her bike and laid next to it on the sidewalk and started to cry.  she was mad that i took all of her momentum away.  mad that i made her stop because addie was too slow.  mad that i don't think she can do it on her own.  and probably mad that she wasn't playing in the cul de sac with the girls her own age rather than riding home and waiting for her unappreciative sister.  i offered to carry her bike up the hill but she didn't want that.  that wasn't the point.  she wanted to ride up the hill and i had ruined everything, she repeatedly screamed from behind me.  you ruined it for me.  i kept walking and praised addie for working so hard and doing so well on her bike.  lily cried some more from behind.  i kept my patience, but she was really ruining it for me, what was just a lovely hour for the three of us.  all for an impossible to ride up hill, anyway.


or was that really it?

it got me to thinking.  of how the things we act mad about aren't usually the things we are really mad about.  of how we take out our frustrations on the the person right in front of us, the one we love the most, the one who loves us the most, the one with whom we can get away with it.  our safe place.  and sometimes we ruin things for our safe person, why do we do that?  she was really just mad because going home meant the end to a wonderful, long three day weekend.  a weekend of playing outside for every day-lit minute.  a weekend of ocean waves and kites and sand and mud and grass stains.  a weekend with little discipline and very relaxed parents.  it meant up too early for school tomorrow and mom and dad back to work.  that ride home meant the start of the dreaded week of rush rush rush.  she wasn't mad at me for stopping her at the stop sign.  she was sad that the end of the day and the end of the weekend had come.  


and so was i.  

but i was grateful to go to a place of understanding and sympathy for her little seven-year-old heart, rather than get angry at her tantrum.  later that night i had a little tantrum of my own.  one that didn't have anything to do with what i cried about.  


we aren't so different, lily and i. 

Little Land Cafe

Today I went to the most darling little cafe for coffee and I just had to blog about it, lest I forget the little moments in the midst of the big ones.  I told the owner I'd be taking a few pictures and doing an article to help promote her up and coming little business.  

 I was the first one in the cafe, it had just opened yesterday.  The owner had some "one tops" available but thought I might rather not sit on the floor, so I got a "two top".

 The menu consisted of apple joos, crusxint roll, pizza, cophey, ornge, musterd, coocees, green bens, ice creem, hot dog, cake, green pepers, plum slise, carits, apple, bred, bnana

 I sat at table #1 as you can see above.  I ordered a plum slice, green beans, coffee, and musturd.  It turned out they didn't have green beans, but I found the replacement package of frozen peas and a nice little dish to put them in more than acceptable. Also, I preferred the eggplant I got to the plum slice I ordered.  

 The owner, Lily Herman, really took her job seriously.  She was organized, efficient, and pleasant to be around.  She made small talk while whizzing around her kitchen.  It is cozy, but she seems to have it all.  I should know, she offered it to me and explained it all in detail.  She is patriotic with a flag hung for Memorial Day and whatnot.  

 There is a nice little take out window where you go to get seated, and that H stands for Happy Hour.  That means it is 50% off and kids toys are available.  You can even take them back to your table.  I was sorry I didn't bring the kids.  

After my meal, she brought me in the back to show me her system.    She is going to do tours for people who want them as she gets up and running.  She keeps things fair by bringing the food out to people in the order that they came in to the cafe.  So if you order first, you get your food first, plain as that.  She has a system of writing the table number down on the sticky notes so that she knows who is first, who is second, and so on.

 I was in during happy hour, so I got 50% off of my meal.  $2.50 >> $1.50.  I was going to say that math was this little lady's strong suit, rather than her spelling.  Clearly it is both. The little box is where I leave my money or credit card.  She dots her 'i's" with a heart.  Nice. Touch.  

 She talked extensively of a brother and sister that worked with her at the cafe.  They don't own it with her, they just work there, helping her out.  The sister, Addie Herman, showed up just as I was about to finish, and performed some nature magic.  Green helicopters stick to your nose if you peel the base apart just right.

See?  Side view of the helicopter trick.  Incredible, so much talent.  I never saw the brother, but I'm sure he'd add even more value to this family operation.  

These sisters are going to have some serious success in the restaurant biz, or in whatever they do.  No one has this much heart, planning, and sheer bossiness organized re-creation of things they've seen.  They are desperate for more customers, so please, I encourage you, stop by and check them out.  


Here is a short video I took of the owner explaining her Happy Hour idea as well as the music, mood, and how she got the idea for the name.  She really speaks from the heart.  Enjoy:

Week of Addie

It seems like the kids go through cycles getting a lot of focus, and this week it was finally Addie's turn to be in the spotlight.  And boy was she!


Last Friday we had a program at her school. She told us she was going to be the loudest to make sure we could hear her if we sat way in the back.  She was not kidding! She sang loud and enunciated and smiled and made some of the funniest faces I had seen in a while.  Here are a few examples.  If you can't turn up the sound because you are at work, that's okay...you don't need sound to get how funny this is. 
This is my quiet, reserved, sensitive middle child, singing with 47 other kids, and you could hear her the loudest.  In fact, she been getting louder in many aspects of her life.  I look at her and I sense that she's struggling to find her voice in many forms.  Unfortunately it seems like she finds it sounding like a 2.5 year old whining baby, rather than an almost-five-year-old big girl.  Her voice in general still sounds very baby like, the squeakiness, the pronunciation, the shyness.  Not in a way that worries me about her speech, just in a way that shows me she isn't confident yet in her voice.  Not like Lily was at this age.  The voice that helps her to know where she fits in, both in our family and in the world.  She's strong willed and sweet and stubborn.  She doesn't people please, but loves to be the biggest helper you've ever had.  Man, and I always said I was going to have a middle child who didn't act like a middle child, who had not "middle-child issues".  You know, because I am above those stereotypes. Heh.  I really should stop 'always' saying things.  Well, she acts exactly like an in the middle middle child.  I think that's hard.  It's hard being the oldest, and it's hard being the baby, but both of those roles have such perks.  Not many perks to being the middle child.  Perhaps that is why God made her so strikingly beautiful and small enough to put in your pocket.  Her place is deep in the hearts of many who love her.

She is tucked so deep in my heart.  My heart jumps looking at these two girls loving each other.  

We let Lily get out of school for a few hours to come to the performance.  And they were both so excited that Lily was there.  Bryson was there too, no picture, but I'll give him credit for some of the shakey video work, even though it's probably not his fault.  


Saturday, Addie got to go to a birthday party for a friend who she's known since she was 3 weeks old!  It was so sweet to see the little group of 5 or almost 5 year olds running around in a little pack, getting sweaty doing all there is to do at Out of This World Pizza.  

Ryan, Benjamin, Nathan, Hope, Jaden, and Addie - Yes, that tall boy is in her class!

Addie had a great time, and we had a wonderful 45 minute drive each way to get to the party, talking and laughing.  On the way home from the party, we had a special conversation and I even pulled over so we could say a prayer together.  More special than I can explain.

Bear Bear Tea Party

Yesterday was more Addie and Mama time.  

It was her last field trip at school.  I thought that I wouldn't be able to go because it was in May and I just have to cross all fun things in May off my list.  Or do I? It happened that I was not feeling well on Monday, and somehow the auditors got along without me.  I worked hard with them on Tuesday and realized they could do without me in the morning if I snuck away with Addie before their afternoon seminar.  So I did, and it was drizzly, a little rainy, and awesome.  Just the two of us for most of the morning, meeting up with the class and our friends at different check points.  

Middle children UNITE - Here is Addie and her friend Benjamin getting a picture in front of her FAVORITE animal!  Can't you tell?

Okay, so that's that.  A week of Addie.  Now I can go off and make Memorial Day weekend memories with this amazing family (and my mom and brother) and I didn't let this wonderful week with my wonderful middle girl get lost in the shuffle.  


Yay for things not getting lost in the shuffle.  Especially Addie.  

I love you Addie!


Focus on today and make it a great one my friends! 


Today's verse: 
Matthew 6:

³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Wordless Wednesday - Top Bunk Sleepover

You never know what you'll find when you check on your girls before you go to bed.  :)

First Date

When Lily was born, she made us three, and we had loads and loads of events, outings, and adventures that were just Lily, Mommy, & Daddy.  Then when Addie was born, we all made a real effort (grandparents included) to make sure that while I was home with her new baby, Lily was out getting to do something cool.  We had family time, and we also nurtured special time with Lily, even occasionally planning times for her to spend with only her parents, just us 3. Then finally Addie was old enough for us to put the girls in tap class together, swim lessons together, and more importantly for us to all go out and do fun things as a family.  Addie and Lily made Four, remember?  The two of them were a unit of two, and I will always look at how they were before Bryson, as a pair, sweeter sisters than anything I could have imagined.  

As we pondered whether or not to have a third, I often thought about how having another baby would change that.  All of our kids would likely be less of a single unit, but of course, that was no reason not to add to our family.  


After Bryson came, we have had many times, when we go to events without him.  Just the girls and us, like the old days.  We also have taken turns going to things one on one.  Lawrence takes the girls skiing or running, individually, he coached Lily's tball team and took her ice skating.   I take them shopping or to lunch or on coffee shop dates one on one (man, my things sound lame comparatively, what's new? But now wonder he is the fun one!)  

Sometime around mid June, when the new Cinetopia was being built at the bottom of our hill, we decided we wanted to take Addie on a movie date alone, since Lily doesn't really like feature length films.  Cars 2 was out in 3D and we offered to have Lily come, but she declined.  Julia agreed to work late and be with Bryson and Lily, so I took off work early and we went to a movie with Addie.  

Addie was so excited she could barely stand it.  When we pulled up, parked and started walking toward the theatre, she took both her mom's hand, and her dad's hand.  She didn't try to swing, just walked boldly and proudly up the stairs marching forward to the show.  She was SO cute.  We got some popcorn and water and found our seats.  Since it was like 3pm it was just us + a few others at the movie, and Addie was wide eyed.  Since she is so small, her 3D glasses didn't fit so great but that didn't really bother her, she was WAY too busy eating the entire bag of popcorn to notice much.  


She loved the movie, things that I knew would have scared or stressed out her older sister, flew right over her head.  She stood up and danced a little during one part.  Every time I thought we were done with the popcorn, I put it down, and her little greasy hand started pawing around in my lap looking for it, not taking her goggled eyes off the big screen.  After the movie, I tried on her glasses to see how they felt with these foamy things on the ears to make them fit better.  I couldn't see through them! They were SO covered with little buttery finger prints.  

We took a few pictures on my phone on the way out.  Lawr wouldn't let me ask a stranger to get a picture of the three of us, on a Thursday afternoon in a movie theater.  Party pooper.  :(


It was on the way home that we realized it was our first date with Addie.  She is a different kid when she is not under the umbrella of being a pair with her big sis.  She is smart and funny and quirky.  In all different ways than Lily is.  


Sometimes it makes me feel bad to look at all that hasn't been done with Addie and Bryson that we did with Lily, but I try to remember the gift of siblinghood that they do have, that they have always had.  Lily gave them the gift of parents who were stressed out about things that didn't matter.  The gift of parents who would use hand-me-downs.  :)  And she really is such a great big sister, we gave them all that.  


In any case, relationships in a family are a lot of work, and it's fun to see the dynamics that build.  Addie and Bryson, beat each other up, and love each other most.  They are together all day while Lily is at school.  Lily and Addie share a room, and they have a lot of together time, they are still a pair.  They often sneak off to another room where they can do things and not worry about Bryson the destroyer getting their stuff.  Lily is SO good with Bryson, just this morning she came in and woke me up to see if she could get him up because he was singing, and she wanted to go be with him.  She asked me if she could get his morning milk first.  She did and I got another 10 minutes of sleep.  Oh, where was I?  (I tend to get off track when it comes to droning on about more sleep for myself.)  She is a great care taker, and really helps everyone out when it comes to being the oldest sister.  


When I want to beat myself up about not giving each kid more chances to be the only child with their mom and dad, I know we do our best.  It is hard enough for Lawrence and I to get time alone, much less time alone together with each kid.  We both have our individual time with each of them, and we also have a great family dynamic.  And it's nice to remember that, be thankful for it, and occasionally get a date night, whether it's with one kid or without one.


Dates with Mommy and Daddy are special.  Even for Mommy and Daddy.  

Sister, don't come looking to me for all the answers...

On the way to her 6 year check up last [edited to add TWO WEEKS AGO] Tuesday (side note: she is 45 lbs/45 inches, that puts her in to percentile 50 & 50. Here eyesight for both eyes is 20/20, yes she is a squared child.) Lily told me a funny story about a conversation she and Addie had the night before at bedtime.

We could hear them giggling up there for almost a half hour, they were both excited about an upcoming trip to Grandma Lanie's house. The talked about all the pillows and guys they would pack. I'd limited them both to only 2 guys, a blanket, and a pillow. Lily chose her penguin (no brainer) and after much consideration decided on her Uncle Matt doll. Addie took a LOOOOOOONG time to mull it over and decided on 2 bear - bears. This was a huge shocker to us all, since she needs her 2 bear-bears to do nearly everything. haha. Lily has skirted the system by sleeping on her Sammy the Pup stuffed animal as a pillow, thus that is her pillow. Since Lily isn't bringing a regular pillow, Addie wants to be aloud another guy. Instead she settled on a pillow that Bean-Bean's parents sent her for her birthday. So it's all set. Or you'd think. But actually AFTER this discussion, there was a long bout of giggling and talking. I love the sisterhood. I'll admit I have moments of hating it, the arguing, the whining, the comparing. But mostly, I LOVE it. Each time I think one of them is getting cheated out of their own room, I think how special it is to go to sleep with a friend each night...

Okay so back to the conversation:

Me: Lily, can you take your hands out of your mouth, we are about to go in to the doctors office and there are a lot of germs there, you are finally not sick, so let's keep it that way.

Lily: Mom, last night in bed I was coughing in bed. But it only lasted for a minute, so it must have been allergies.

(perfect logic since we spend much of the spring time figuring out if daddy is getting sick or if it's just allergies).

Lily continued: I was coughing really hard and Addie said, "Lily I hope you don't throw up. If you throw up, I promise you, I won't know what to do."

(Insert me laughing which caused Lily to laugh - so the next part was through escalating giggles).

But I said, "Addie, if I throw up, I don't expect you to know what to do, I would run to the bathroom and go to the toliet, I WOULD NOT ask you what I should do!!

Addie said, "Okay, that's a good idea, because I do NOT know what to do"

If you know Addie you can hear her cute squeaky voice, pronouncing in ALL seriousness and importance to Lily who is barely coughing, that if she barfs, do no look to her 3-year-old self for all the answers, because she'll tell you right upfront, she doesn't have them.

I laughed until I cried. My cutie. Cuties. Plural. Lily LOVES it when she makes me laugh. She can't get enough. She laughs when she says anything that makes anyone laugh and then she spends the next two days asking why so many times you'd think she was 2 years old again. "Why did you laugh when I said...." "Why did Addie say...." trailing off into a fit of hysterics as she lavishes at the memory of your and her laughter.

Sometimes it drives me crazy, and I'm like, "Okay, Lil, I don't know why so and so said this or that," or "Because it was FUNNY!" (Now that you've tried to get me to describe it 100x and three days later, not quite SO funny, but still...funny and now a little bit annoying.)

But other times I think of how good it makes you feel to make someone else laugh. That belly laugh that makes your cheeks beam when someone really gets you. Or thinks your story is funny. Or thinks YOU are funny, in a great way. That does feel good, and you do want to relive the moment. So I get that when you are six, you just want to remember how it feels and why you want to get your mom to keep recreating it.

Just so we are clear, though. If you do have to vomit, do not go to Addie, she simply does not know what to do in such a predicament.

Wordless Wednesday - LOVE

Wordless Wednesday - Matching Sisters

7 blogs in 7 days. Day 4 - Public Transportation and stuff

Today was a good day. First day for Lily to ride the bus. Addie was going to meet her teacher and see her classroom. The morning was filled with goodness and cuteness. Even though I had to take a sick day because Bryson was up all night with a fever. Getting to watch these two was the best...

7:30am

At the bus stop...Only a little excited
There goes my baby... Bye bye big sis...
Now it's time for Addie's trip to school... "Coo" as she calls it.

Cutie Patoot.
See my back pack, mama?
And later on that day...after Addie's going to school with mom...and lining up four hair bows in a rowAnd a few new friends...
it was almost time for sis to come home.
Is she here yet???
Watching and waiting...

It's taking too long, let's set up camp...
She's here, she's here. Let's go!

Addie was like a hyper little dog jumping over big dog...

And can you believe, we get to do this all again tomorrow? Oh, I hope this excitement sticks...

(Except let's take out the pediatrician visit and Bryson's fever...
He is fine by the way, no ear infection, no bladder infection, just a lil fever so also only a lil sleep, it's either a virus or teeth, so we wait and watch. TGIF tomorrow!)