Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking...take six weeks

I started this post 2 weeks ago! I'm sitting here trying to make a to do list to feel a little less overwhelmed and a little more organized, but somehow getting a blog out makes me feel both of those things. For some reason it won't let me take this post off italics, so italics you get!

Bryson is six weeks today. It's a little hard to believe that somehow six weeks has passed. A few weeks ago I was thinking about the passing of time. It just keeps marching on. And while I was struggling with him through "colic" and being sick and all the reassurance I received from people were things like "this too shall pass" or "it'll be over by 3-4 months", I couldn't help but feel somewhat cheated. I'll be going back to work the week of March 22, and THIS is the time I have with him now. THIS is when I want to enjoy the time. I don't care so much about it getting "easier", because, HA, that's sort of a joke, considering there are days with Lily and Addie that I think, I can't believe they are still this much work.

I guess that's why I'm so shocked and grateful of the huge impact of the chiropractic treatment. And I'm so pleased/blessed/thankful. Because it really gave me back time with my baby and I feel like I was able to do something other than just wait it out. It isn't about me, HE is so much less miserable. And what mommy doesn't relish in seeing that!?

I'm still in somewhat of survival mode, and it seems like I should be operating at a higher level by now. I'm not napping every day (not by choice) but I'm not showering every day either, and often find myself still in my spit up covered pjs at lunch time with my teeth unbrushed. Last night Bryson had a really hard night, I'm not sure what that was about, but he couldn't get back to sleep after eating at 11pm, and was up and down until 4:30am when I put him in his own room, in his own crib. And then he slept for 2 hrs. He's in there now, and is taking his first real nap in his own bed. I need to get a child proof door knob for his room to keep Addie from marching and to wake him up and see what he is up to. She's a little stinker too, yelling, "WAY UP Bwyson!"

Physically, I feel pretty good, I'm still wearing mostly maternity sweats, umm, clothes for the most part because it's whats quick and comfy and in my drawers, but I did squeeze into a pair of non elastic waist jeans the other night for an outing. I'm planning to try to lose the weight using the 30 day shred. I've heard that this is GREAT for postpartum moms. But so far, I'm actually pretty pleased with my postpartum stomach. I remember feeling shocked by it's largeness after my last two pregnancies, so either I'm just more realistic this time about what to expect, or it is in fact a bit smaller, likely some combination of the 2. My goal is always to lose the weight by time the baby is nine months, but in reality I usually lose it closer to 2 years...who's counting. We have a family vacation planned in August and since that is close to 9 months and as good of time as any, I might shoot for that as my goal. I know that getting back in shape will give me more energy and strength and I care about that more than what size of jeans I'm fitting into. Wait, could that be age and maturity talking? naaaaaaahh.....

When I was on maternity leave with Addie I was so FUNCTIONAL by this point. I was joining mommy meet up groups, going for long walks in the park, enjoying days with Lily and Addie, and don't mind if I admit having days of feeling pretty supermomish. I'm pretty sure she was doing six or more stretches at night, so I was relatively rested. It was August, and in Portland that is just a FABULOUS time of year, spirits are high, and mine definitely were. I don't mind the gray skies or the rain, I still think it is really beautiful here year round, but it's certainly more work to get out to get fresh air because, frankly, it just doesn't feel that good. So fresh air and exercise is sometimes limited to the mad dash to the car as to not get wet.

All that being said, with Addie, I started having anxiety attacks around 8 weeks. I didn't recognize the cause at the time but it was my thinking (dreading) of going back to work. I even had my heart checked out, because it was pounding in my chest and I couldn't see that I was feeling anxious. I got to stay home for 16 weeks with Addie and this time I'll be going back with Bryson is three months old. More of my anxiety right now stems from the logistics of managing all the things and people in my life that I will need to manage. Right now things are pretty simple during my days. They are very tiring sleep deprived days, but they are simple. My full time job is feeding and caring for Bryson. Sabine takes care of the girls, and while I play with them and give them some love throughout the day, she keeps them fed and on their schedule and takes them on outings, does crafts, chauffeurs Lily to school 3 afternoons a week. I've got it pretty good. Bryson is my only job, and they idea of that changing hurts my brain. And my heart.

But I don't like to complain, I do not believe there is a full time working mom out there who has it as good as I do. I work at home 2 days a week, and have all the flexibility in the world from my childless, single, male boss to take care of things at home when needed. I sometimes wonder what he thinks about the quantities of illness and accidents and ear infections that two (soon to be three) children can acquire. Still, he always lets me do what I need to do as long as the work gets done, which it always does. He knows that I will always do what needs to be done to meet deadlines, etc. I do keep up my end of the bargain, and work many late nights after the family is in bed doing so. I'm in a position lots of working moms would love to be, and I always want to keep that in perspective.

I'm just saying, life IS simpler when I don't have to worry about accounting software, or balance sheets, or sales numbers, or tax deadlines, or vacation days, or account balances. So for now I'm going to relish in the fact that I have six more weeks just to be mom. And for the record, I really do like just being mom. And since I see both sides of the world, being "just" mom, is much much harder than having "time off" to go to the office and be with grown ups 3 days a week. Notice above I said simpler, not easier. Going to work is working, yes, but also peeing and lunching when you like. Having a few minutes of quiet to think when you like. Enjoying a hot cup of coffee without the worry of it scalding a something-month-old when you like. These are things you don't have but often desperately need when you are "just" mom. So I get those things a few days a week, and then I get to be mom more days a week and I get to contribute to supporting the family as we need. And it's crazy and hard, but so is any path you choose and once the boat settles this job and this company do give me some semblance of balance that we all are looking for.

PLEASE Just remind me of all that when I'm clinging to my door knob watching 3 crying faces out the window with my breast pump loaded on my back and tri-met tickets in my pocket and I'm screaming, "NO I DON'T WANT TO GO!!"

Lily and B having tummy time
Daddy with his 3 kids, early am style. I love how he doesn't look tired AT ALL!

B falling asleep in Jeanine's arms
More tummy time
Falling asleep during tummy time!

All Smiles

Bryson smiled at me tonight. His first smile. I've been waiting desperately for it. And today it came. It was charming and crooked, and oh so cute! He was nursing around 6:30 this evening while everyone else was sitting at the table finishing dinner and he and I were on the couch. He was wide awake and he stopped nursing, looked up at me, gave me a big smile and said "thanks", then he got back to eating. Well, that's what it felt like he said. "Thanks, and I love you, mama".

Ahhhhh, I needed that. I wish I had a picture of the smile. Soon enough I know.

Jeanine came this weekend from Boise to meet him, and I needed that too. Bryson has been so much better since his chiropractor appt on Wednesday, and with his RSV is almost gone, it's like I have a whole new baby. We've had a few fussy days and nights, but normal baby fussy, not inconsolible crying. He definitley has a temper - he goes from zero to all out screaming in 3 seconds flat...no rev up time, but he can be soothed and in general, he is just comfortable in his skin, something he didn't seem to be before.

So, I'm smiling a lot more too.

Jeanine enjoying time with B
Jeanine takes time off from her family to come "relax" with my 3 kids! :)

up & up

The past few days have been hard ones, but we are having improvement. Tuesday was worrisome for me because Bryson barely woke long enough to take 2-3oz of a pumped bottle before he went back to sleep. Here I've been for the past few weeks trying to get him to sleep and then I'm stressed because he's sleeping too long. But it's because the signs I've been given to watch for are "lethargic". Well he's a 5 week old. And he has RSV. So he IS lethargic. After a few calls with the ped, I trusted that he was okay. He was still getting MAD while and after he ate, and she said MAD was a good sign. So that night, I took comfort in the fact that even though he was up every hour the whole night, coughing and sniffling and not wanting to eat but wanting to eat, he was mad, and mad was a good thing.

Addie had an allergy appt on Tuesday. She did great. Her only two allergies are still milk and peanuts, but milk has gone down slightly while peanut went up, both slight differences from a year ago. It took about 5 minutes for milk to show up at all so for a few minutes there I was hopeful it would be gone. I dreamed of giving her ice cream and macaroni and cheese (healthy dreams for any mother to have for her two year old!) But then the milk hive did come and it came as big as it did a year ago but with much less redness. She hasn't had any reactions in a year to anything and her skin looks really clear. We are careful, but it is hard for me to believe she hasn't gotten a drop of any milk or peanut since we have it in the house and the rest of us eat it often. Still, he wants to be cautious and wait until August before she starts preschool to do a blood test before changing anything. So it's new EpiPens and keep doing what we are doing until the end of the summer. I'm happy with that. And what a time for him to want to introduce her to milk anyway (if he did which he doesn't), while I'm off dairy!? August it is!

(Bryson is grunting, sleeping, and pooping in the swing while I type, interesting writing background noise, that's gotta be a blowout! Oh wait, screaming...I'll be back)

Yesterday I took Bryson to the chiropractor. She is a pediatric chiropractor who was highly recommended by my friend Robin, whose opinion I trust very much. A friend Sarah who grew up in Wallowa County near me is now a chiropractor in Florida, she only treats pregnant women and babies. She is also a LLL leader. She has been telling me for a while that I should get Bryson adjusted and that 94% (94%!) of babies with colic are "cured" after being treated by a chiropractor. With the faith of these two trusted and educated moms I decided to meet with Dr. Hewitt. I wanted to discuss it before any treatment was done. When she explained that the amount of pressure that she would use on Bryson would be the equivalent to the weight of a nickel (or 5 grams), I had no hesitation.

Right away he seemed calmer than normal on her table. Meaning no screaming. But he still was doing his loud and grunty "happy" breathing, with still a lot of wheezing and coughing due to the RSV. She put one hand under his hips and one on his stomach and said that something was twisted. It didn't appear that she was even doing anything, but she said he was working it out. His legs started to shake (like when your knee bounces due to reflex)and she said that was all trapped energy he was releasing. She said that could cause a lot of tummy discomfort. Then she put her hands under his head with fingertips at the base of his neck. He looked around and she could feel a lot of tension. She just kept her fingers there and followed him around as he looked where he pleased. She said she didn't think he would let go of it today. But then he did. She was pleased as she said she was just about to give up. His arms relaxed on the table, his breathing calmed, his wheezing nearly disappeared, and he looked totally RELAXED! In a way I can't really describe. I've never seem him that relaxed since he was born. And I thought he was pretty relaxed when I laid him on the table to start. For the rest of the day he was so much calmer. I was shocked.

Last night he was cranky for bed time, and he's been wanting the pacifier again like CRAZY. During the night he was up every 2 hrs due to coughing and sneezing. BUT he NURSED AGAIN. After the chiro appt, he only took one more pumped bottle and then has nursed ever since. YAY! This is such a relief for me, because the time involved to pumped the bottle, feed it to him, dump or store the rest, wash the pump, wash the bottle, has been exhausting, eating up what little hands free time I had! And last night I didn't have to get up and pump. He just nursed and we went back to sleep. It was AWESOME! Maybe not your awesome, but MY awesome! :)

So I have to say, I'm a believer. Dr. Sarah was right. I'm glad for her push, I'm glad for Robin's recommendation, and for Dr. Elise Hewitt, who treated him and took away his discomfort. I don't know what he was feeling, but I could see in his body that something that didn't feel good was gone. She explained it all in a lot more medical terms and such, but I'm going on about 20 minutes of sleep this week so of course I can't remember! :)

Speaking of, Bryson is sleeping again (I had a 3 hr break in there where he woke, I fed, he was awake, and back to bed), Lawrence is out with the boys for beer club. I had 2 hrs out tonight too and it was also AWESOME! I needed a breather. It was good.

The photos above are of B laying there calm and relaxed on the floor last night for the FIRST TIME!!! I honestly haven't put him down in 3 weeks, unless he is sleeping or crying!

Things are on the up and up!

RSV

I've always heard that you really need to watch out for babies under 3 months getting RSV, which is why it is so important to keep them away from a cold. RSV can be life threatening, I remember knowing that.

And now, my five week old has it. I'm pissed. BUT IT IS NOT LIFE THREATENING FOR HIM RIGHT NOW. It just sucks.

He's going to be okay, his oxygen levels are 98% (with anything over 90 being normal). We got a breathing treatment at the dr's office to try to fix the wheezing, she aspirated him, getting out some mucus, etc.

He's gaining (11lbs 3oz) up almost 2 pounds in 2 weeks, he's hydrated (thanks to me pumping and bottling and then letting half of it drip down is neck day and night), and he doesn't have a fever.

But RSV! I've always known to make sure my babies don't get that. And now one has. And it'll last about another week as it runs it's course.

I'm thankful because he can and is eating, frustrating as it is for us both. He can sleep upright in the carseat, swing, bouncy, or in my arms, I can keep up my milk supply by pumping and letting him try to nurse when he can. I'm thankful because he will get better, and in a tired week this will hopefully be a blip on his "oh my when you were a baby" radar! I'm thankful that he has a healthy little full term body that can fight this virus, and he will be okay.

I'm thankful for the wonderful conversation I had this morning with my dear old friend about life, struggles, marriage, making it work, seeing the positive, appreciating the blessings, knowing how good you have it, donating organs, willing children, the wonder of non-lazy parenting, how hard it is, how great it is, failure not being an option and making it work again, getting a break, surviving loss, appreciating each other, why women rock, and how grateful we both are when we find a half hour of each others' busy lives to talk on the phone.

Thank you sweet friend for your complete understanding, I look up to you as a woman and a mother, and I'm so glad to call you my friend. A conversation with you is like a yummy drink of water for my tired soul, and I feel absolutely refreshed! (I wish you were more like a yummy cold drink of milk to go with my warm non dairy brownies - but the ice water will have to do!)

PS - Mission moving Bryson from swing to bouncy seat so I could get my first shower since THURSDAY (EWE!) was successful. I'm clean!

And now...about this RSV. YUCK! But as usual, we'll be okay. I just know it.

Whatta you crying about?

Bryson has a bad cold that started on Thursday night. Poor kid cannot catch a break. He can't nurse very well and I've been pumping and bottling since Friday. It's a lot of work and we are all so tired. I can't believe my inability to do more than one thing. Or to do even one thing. My mind is hazy as though I'm drunk, not making me very effective at anything. My mother in law left early this am and it might be the saddest I've ever been about ocmpany leaving our house. I did get 2 naps today, both of which I was holding Bryson. I'm not complaining, sleep is sleep! I'm making do. Just not finishing any thoughtful blogs I've started.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you to my friend Nancy Kules who made the new blog header as a gift to me. Isn't it lovely? It makes me happy because when I look at it in all it's creative beauty, it's MY family. Those people are mine. And they are amazing. Thank you Nancy. I love and appreciate it.

Funny story.

I sent Lawrence upstairs with Bryson to change his diaper for the umteenth time this weekend.

While I was rushing around doing little things here and there while I had my hands free for a few minutes. I overheard him say to screaming bloody murder Bryson (who had a blow out and had to get naked) in a whiney voice:

"Why are YOU screaming at ME? I'm the one cleaning up Poo!!"

In all my exhaustion I must have laughed for 15 minutes at that...keeping the humor!

In the meantime

I'm half way through a blog about B turning one month and the joys and struggles of the week, etc. etc. But I can't manage to find two hands to type with so for now, this is what I can do...In the meantime, here is a wonderful post from our photographer on her blog about our family complete with some great pics.

Enjoy!

Four weeks, getting to know you

Today Bryson is already 4 weeks old.

And I think I'm finally getting to really know him. Or the four week old him that is.

It has been 8 days that I haven't been eating any milk or milk protein, dairy, whey, etc. It has really made a difference in his fussiness. He's happy, for him. I mean maybe by someone else's standards he might not seem happy, but for him, he's happy. And now that he's my new normal, he's really happy as far as I'm concerned.

I feel like I'm finally at a point where I'm getting to know him, I know how to keep him happy, and that makes me happy.

Eating on a three hour schedule, taking gas drops right before, seems to be the key. Also, swaddling him up withing five minutes of him starting to fuss, and getting him down for a nap is also a must. If I push him longer for his nap, he really falls apart and there is screaming. If he sleeps longer and waits longer to eat, he really falls apart. He fusses when over-stimulated or bored, he likes his position to be changed often and he sometimes just wants to be put down, where he can still see you but not in your arms.

He is tracking a lot with his eyes, and it feels good to see him watch me. He smiles only in his sleep still, but I feel a real smile is coming. Soon, I hope.

His diaper rash is nearly gone, and for the first time since he was 9 days old I don't dread changing his diapers for fear of putting him in one type of pain or another. (Thank you generic Monistat 7).

I love that I'm getting to know my boy Bryson so well. He is sweet and when he's fussing or not, he is delicious. I'm really more in love with him that I was when he was born, (and definitely more than 8 days ago!) I love that I know what he needs and when he needs it. I know it's not brain surgery...but in a new baby fog, it feels like a big accomplishment.

He's still waking every 2-3 hrs at night so I haven't had more sleep, except for the one 4.5 hr stretch one night. I'm still tired. Addie has a cold. Lily is a handful, but had a great day today. Lawrence's dad goes home tomorrow, but his mom is staying through Saturday.

Poor girls, a whole blog devoted to them four weeks ago, and now...they each get a sentence that isn't even a good sentence. Lots has been going on with them, and I'll get back to them soon. Just not quite yet


***************************
Just as I pressed 'Publish' my laptop battery died last night so this didn't get posted.
I think I jinxed myself by being all, oh, I know Bryson now and I can read him and I know how to make him happy. ha.
He screamed from midnight to 3am. He didn't take a full feeding after 10pm.
I'm a tired zombie again.
Lawrence is having the tired competition with me. He says we both didn't sleep last night, although I heard and saw him snoring the entire night. Waking up for under a minute to be annoyed at the crying and back to snore-ville.
These kids will keep you on your toes.

I am lucky though. I have my mother in law downstairs bouncing and shushing with a pumped bottle so that I can lay down and sleep, and I have Sabine who took the kids to OMSI this morning for some fun so that I can lay down and sleep.

My little guy is just having an off day. Maybe after we both have a good nap, I'll know what he needs again, because as for now, I'm at a loss...

And Addie said her ear hurts, so I guess I better call to get it looked at by the pediatrician, since it's likely infected. Yawn.

For now, I'll lay down and sleep.

On Finding the Time

How do I measure up? :)

Bryson getting malled by his sisters during a little TUMMY TIME!

Like most mama bloggers who don't get paid for it, I'm constantly getting asked, "how do you find the time?" usually by people who don't blog.

People who do blog get how you fit it in, the importance of it.

I'm actually not sure how I find the time, I just do. I don't really see that other things get cut out of my life. I do it in the evening while watching TV, I do it during my lunch break at work. And now, I don't really know when I do it. Sometimes one sentence at a time - 3 minutes at a time, taking a whole day. At first I used to like to wait to post things until things are perfect, pictures and collages just right, but life moves too fast, and if I don't blog it now, then it's gone. We are already on to the next thing. So I don't spell check, I don't usually grammar check and I don't reread my blogs until later.

I also don't play mafia wars or farm town or on FaceBook. heh.

Not that I haven't wasted a fair share of my life away on FaceBook, believe you me. I'm just staying FAR from those addictive games!

But I guess the answer is, we all have our time wasters, some things are guilty pleasures, some things are the most important must dos. So sometimes blogging is treated kind of like a guilty pleasure, another time it might be something that I do while I let my kids watch some Clifford, and another time it might mean that the dishes in my sink stay there for the night.

But I am so glad I do it. I can't tell you how many times I've read back over my blog, my babysites, or my musings, thinking, "I do not remember that, even a little." And I'm glad it's written down somewhere.

Including things from less than a month ago.

I couldn't remember anything that happened from the time I brought Bryson home from the hospital until his circumcision, it's just all a blur. Eight days of life. While it's easy to understand how one loses THOSE eight days simply because it is exhausting and overwhelming and painful, I still wondered where that time went. And then I read my blog from those days. Do I remember what else suffered on the days I took time for those blogs to be written? Nope. Should I have probably been doing something else, if not sleeping? Yep. But I'm glad that I find a few minutes during some days to write about our life. Because if I didn't there are so many little things that are lost in time and busy. And a lot of times its some of the good stuff.

Of course it's also a good way to keep every one else updated and in some ways it saves time, especially at a time of your life like this, where hours are odd and time is precious, not to answer each and every call and email that says, "how are things going?". It is a good way to update family across the country and friends down the street. It's a good way to make new friends or relate to people like you. I started blogging for some reasons and they've changed into other reasons. Other people who blog regularly really understand this.

The truth is we all find time for the things we want to do, and if that time was tallied up and someone else could see it we would all wonder how we found the time for that. We just do. And for me, blogging isn't just bloggging, it's telling the story of my family and of myself. The good, the bad, and the...mm...poopy.

But instead of spending more time telilng you about why I blog, I'm done for the day and now I must nap...

Here is a quote I found that I like a lot:

"You will have significant experiences. I hope that you will write them down and keep a record of them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh your memory of those meaningful and significant things. Some may be funny. Some may be significant only to you. Some of them may be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some may build one upon another until they represent a lifetime of special experiences." ~Gordon B. Hinckley

Hands Free

Last night was a really great night. Bryson went one stretch between feedings 4.5 hrs and he slept 2.5 hrs of that, so did I. Amazing how it feels, I probably only got 6 hrs of sleep tops. But I feel like a new woman!

And then today Bryson met his grandma and grandpa and several times I found that my hands were free. Free to take a picture, free to color with the girls, free to blow dry my hair, free to finish my birth announcement. FREE. I think milk-free for me is working for Bryson - he had an almost fuss - free day. I woke up to him tooting, knowing, feeling it would likely be a good day, and it was.

We went out to dinner tonight, for the first time with all three kids. Sure we had 5 adults, but it felt like success for me to schedule nursing and eating, and finding milk free stuff on the menu, etc. Everyone behaved and we got home an hour after bedtime, everyone went right down, and well, today was a day that felt like things just worked. Sure, I'm tired and beat and exhausted even, but I feel like I can do this and I want to do this. This is an amount of tired I can live with. After a terrible day like yesterday, I needed that.

Lily's bible verse this month at school is Psalms 100. Before I went to bed last night I decided to look it up and read it. I reread it 3-4 times. It is about being joyful and thanksgiving. Last night when I went to bed, I thought a lot about how truly joyful I am, in spite of how hard things sometimes seem. I gave thanks and it felt good. I want to remember to have joy in my heart every day. Joy in your heart feels good.

Here are a few pictures of Bryson meeting his Grandma Carol and Grandpa Steve and I was happy enough to have my hands free to capture a picture of him with them.

Hoping for more days, just like today.

The conversation that should not have been

I am going on about an hour and a half of sleep, and Bryson is due to wake up and eat about 15 minutes ago. I can't go to sleep or he'll wake me after a few minutes and I'll be in a deep dark fog.

Things ARE getting better, I think, but last night they were really really bad. He screamed last night from 10pm to midnight. So we both sat in his room, in the rocker, with the door shut and the light dimmed, and we both cried. And when he was sleeping, Addie came in twice to wake me and snuggle in. I'm a zombie today.

I got out for a walk with him and the girls and put him in the Baby Bjorn for the first time. I felt better getting a little exercise but mostly getting the fresh air and laughing with the kids. Since his diaper rash is very bad, I decided to feed him then go to Walgreens and the bank after while Sabine gave the girls lunch and naps. Then I could come back and nap while he slept in the car seat. That nap would be now, but everything takes longer than you think. And I had to waste precious time eating lunch and nurioush my body! :)

Here is the conversation I had in Walgreens, good thing I'm just to tired to care!

I'm standing in the aisle looking at yeast infection medication (recommended by Laurie for his diaper rash).

Ring, Ring,
Laurie: Hello
Jenny: Hi Laurie, It's Jenny Herman
L: Hi Jenny, how's it going
J: It's okay, rough night last night. Hey listen, I'm standing at Walgreens looking for the medication for his tush. Does it make a difference if I get the 3 day or 7 day stuff? (a woman buying tampons does a double take at me).
L: Um, I don't think it matters
J: Well the 7 day is half the price
L: Yeah, get the 7 day, then
J: I'm getting the generic, so just to be sure this is the "Vaginal 1% Antifungal Cream" right? (Another sweet look from woman buying tampons)
L: Yep, that's the one.
J: You know this is normally a product you sneakily slide into your cart without a word, not me, I'm calling up announcing it to the store.
L: (laughing) You know they have you on the loud speaker right?
J: (I YELL) Don't worry, it's not for me, it for my SON!

haha. I have to find the humor in the day of tired and zombie.

My in laws get here late tonight, and girl's night coffee is meeting at the bottom of the hill tonight, so I might even go for an hour of girl talk before I have to go home to let Lawr pick up his parents flying in from NJ at 10. Unless I'm sleeping of course.

My boy is awake (and needless to say SCREAMING), gotta go lather him up with the 7 day treatment...

The way it is

Thank you all for your advice about milk replacements, etc.

I, too, am not a fan of soy...esp for Addie as I know there are a lot of potential side effects related to it. However we do use it, and small doses for replacements in meals are okay if you don't taste it. Today Vanilla Rice Milk in my coffee with 2 sugars was good enough.

I tried to make hard boiled eggs the other night, let the water boil all the way out, exploding one of four eggs and ruining the pan. Nice. I'm telling you, I don't have the capacity to multitask right now which is not convenient as the mother of 3 children trying to learn to feed herself in a new way!

I got the insurance papers sent out to add B to my insurance, I only had 7 days left, and you shoulda seen it, lots of cross offs and scribbles. I might have listed him as my spouse, I'm just not sure. But it is in the mail, so hopefully my office manager let's me know if there are any probs, or just fixes them for me.

I don't yet know when I'll go back to work. 12 weeks. But I have some extra days in there for vacation / holidays. I haven't figured it out because I don't want to know. The idea of it sounds unbearable and impossible, in every single way right now. So when you ask, when do you go back, my answer? I have no idea. (meaning I haven't figured it out, not meaning there is a possibility that I won't go)

I SHOWERED LAST NIGHT! ALONE! Unfortunately I also went to bed with wet hair, so today I look 10x worse than I did yesterday, when I was unshowered for a few days...

I did "circle time" today with my girls, we sang some songs and read a few books while Bryson napped. Lily played the guitar and made up way too loud songs for us all to listen to. Despite my awesome do, I felt like a great mom for a few minutes, because I had so much fun doing it with them. It is so much harder than I imagined to find quality time with them and they are both so whiney around me because of it and it becomes a vicious cycle. But today, I broke it for a little while and that felt good. And of course neither of them whined a lick, nope, uh-uh. Not my angels.

Bryson's tummy felt softer today and he had a lot more alert happy time. He also has had his share of fussing, but he certainly isn't acting in pain like he had been for the past 4 nights. Last night he also fussed loudly for quite a while but not the inconsolable crying we were dealing with a few days ago, so I think we are on the right track.

He has a diaper rash, and it was recommended to me to put Monistat (or any vaginal yeast infection medication on it), then my super duper Arbonne diaper cream over the top. HA. Lawrence is gonna LOVE this...

According to my lactation consultant, the anti-yeast, jock itch stuff doesn't not work nearly as well at clearing it up in a day or two. While I'm not surprised that women got the med right, I'm not sure that Lawrence wouldn't prefer the jock stuff. Lucky for Bryson, mama's in charge... :)

I have 45 minutes for a nap. Maybe. I think B is due to eat again around 4...and I typed half of this one handed as I bounced him swaddled in the other arm. So no judgement on the grammar or the capitalizations.

Good new is, my blog puts him to sleep. Awesome.

Got the prof pics back from my photographer. Now, I'm still going through and choosing my faves for the baby announcement before I post any online, but this one made me laugh my head off. Addie DID NOT want to get her picture taken with Bryson and this is the best we could do. HOW FUNNY! She looks so tough, and the combo with naked sleeping baby just cracks me up. Can't leave Lily out, she did awesome and looked GORGEOUS, couldn't have loved getting pics with her brother more...I'll leave you with that, and leave myself with approx 42 min and counting!

No milk for you

Yesterday Bryson was 3 weeks old. He weighed 9lbs 8oz, up 1 pound since the week before!

Since his fussiness has gotten worse, I called my lactation consultant on Saturday and asked her what I should look for to see if he had reflux because that seemed to be a common question I was getting from other mamas when I mentioned how fussy he is.

Oh wait, he is screaming...maybe more later...

Okay, I'm back.

Lactation Laurie said she could tell if he had reflux in about 5 minutes if she could watch him eat. She was certain his fussiness was due to a feeding issue. When I asked her how she knew, she said "because I have been doing this for 28 years and what you are describing is not that uncommon". Oh.

So as soon as she took him out of his carseat on Sunday morning she said, "OH MY GOSH, this boy is FILLED with gas." He is so gassy and has cramps and that is the issue. She didn't think it was a milk sensitivity because that normally comes with crusty eyebrows and cradle cap, which he doesn't have, but after looking at him a little more, and seeing that he is nursing well, for sure no reflux, gaining well, just gassier than gassy can be...she decided to have me try no milk protein in my diet for the next three weeks. Also I'm giving him infant gas drops before each feeding.

Sunday night was horrible. Lawrence was out returning the TV we borrowed for the buckeye game. He just screamed in pain, inconsolable for 2 straight hours, and I was alone. I know friends who've had babies with colic, who cry for 4 hrs per night every night for 4 months, and I could not have imagined. Two hours felt like an eternity. At the end when he finally went to sleep I felt exhausted and worn out and numb.

So we had a pediatrician appt yesterday and his circumcision is finally all healed up. She confirmed everything Laurie said, agreed with most of the suggestions, though said if I wasn't seeing a difference in 10 days of dairy free, she would probably stop and not go the next 10.

He had a great day yesterday, napped well, lots of happy awake time. Lots of TOOTING! Last night was a little rough, and today I'm beat. Today hasn't been as good as yesterday but I do see a bit of an improvement over a week ago.

Dairy free is hard for me to do. I have everything in the house because of Addie's allergy. But I don't like soy. At all. And there is no French Vanilla Coffee Creamer at Albertsons, even the dairy free has milk in it. Go figure. But I plan to try Trader Joes or Whole Foods to find something I can put in my coffee.

So Lynnette, Sharon, anyone else out there who gave up milk protein for a YEAR, any suggestions...advice...how quickly is this gonna work?

And Laurie did say part of this is just his personality. He has a hot temper and wants what he wants NOW!

Man...it probably goes with out saying but a non fussy baby is so much easier. Addie, you spoiled the CRAP out of me!!

I'm worn out, I'm tired, there's not much in the tank for the girls...but I'm making it through, on very little caffeine and sleep...or protein...all of my favorite snacks are dairy.

Someday my daughters will forgive me for being such an impatient mama with no energy for them. At least I got a nap yesterday, today, I laid down for a while, but couldn't sleep because of a headache and some other stresses I couldn't stop thinking about.

Our old nanny Katy is visiting tonight and so is my aunt and cousin...

...and wouldn't you know it...

It's time to nurse again. Three hours passes at the blink of an eye!

Man, I wanna love nursing...but...

Bucks beat Ducks

If you didn't know, THE Ohio State Buckeyes played University of Oregon Ducks on New Year's Day in the Rose Bowl. If you didn't know, you probably DO NOT live in Oregon as we do. Lawrence has had this game on the agenda since his Ohio State alumni locked in going to the Rose Bowl in early November. We said we would have a big football party and he would fry a turkey, even though we really didn't know what we'd be doing, what with Bryson on the way and all. But since most of our friends are from Oregon or Duck fans, we were looking forward to the game.

The whole family dressed up in Ohio State apparel to balance out all the green and yellow, um, thunder and lighting, that would be coming to our house. The girls looked SO cute in their matching Jerseys. Lawrence made Bryson a onsie that says Go Bucks Beat Ducks before he was born. With a cute "Herman #3" on the back!

I am again reminded why little girls with football loving dads, love football. It was so sweet to see them all snuggled up with him, watching the pregame as he described what was going to go down. Both Lily and Addie could spell OHIO as their first spelled word. They both yell YUCK MICHIGAN (and occasionally a "first down MONTANA! for mommy's team)!

Well, as much fun as it was to host this game, and have all my friends bring the food, watch the kids and clean up after the chaos, and as much fun as it was to enjoy a beer after almost a year, we hope we don't have to root against our entire house of company again.

We had the Ornelas's, the Rose's, the Power's, and the Bissell's over. And that meant 11 adults and 12 kids. At one point Josh was being wrestled by all the little girls and it sounded like Chuck E Cheese in our house. That loud with shreiks and giggles. I sat on the couch rested, ate, nursed, chatted, and watched the game...i t was super nice for me. Lawrence cooked and everyone else chipped in. Mark Rose let us borrow a huge screen TV from his work and I HOPE Lawrence is not getting too attached to it because he has to return it today...

Buckeyes were not favored to win, but they did and it was fun. It is more fun when you don't feel bad about celebrating and friends are celebrating too...but we didn't let it ruin the victory too much. hehe.

Half Birthday

Dear Addie,
Today you are two and a half years old! It is hard to believe that you have been here that long, but I also feel I have been calling you 2.5 forever...for the past 2 months (the LONGEST months ever, the eighth and ninth months of my pregnancy with your little brother). You have changed so much in the last year it is incredible. I remember a year ago feeling like I was losing my baby as I gave you your last bottle at 18 months, far after most of the friends your age had given up theirs. You were very sweet and agreeable, and I still boasted on the fact that I had the happiest baby (not so baby in the world). Around your 2nd birthday you started to get more of an opinion and a personality, and now at 2.5, you are the SWEETEST girl on the planet, but I wouldn't say you are what they call "agreeable" anymore. You have your own thoughts and ideas about everything. You even seem to disagree just to disagree sometimes. heh. most times.

These days there has been big adjustments in our house. We've added a little brother, mommy has been home all the time, uncle Matt and Grandma Lanie in and out, daddy back to work. A lot has been going on in your little life as time marches on. You love to play babies, and make desserts, and help daddy cook or vacuum. You love being a helper and anytime you are upset with something we can almost always distract you by asking you to help. More accurately TELLING YOU, we NEED your help. That pulls at your heart strings like nothing else. You are so funny, always saying "I need to" or "I hope" or "I KNOW" about this or that. Your vocabulary is really expanding, and while you still mix words around, you can say anything you want and daddy, mommy, bean-bean, and Lily can understand EVERYTHING you say. The rest of the world, hmmm, not so much...but the most important people in your life understand, and they are around to translate for everyone else.

The other day when Ian Kolmer was over, who is 1 day younger and still almost twice your size, I asked you who was your best friend. I thought you'd say "EE-ee" as you call him, or perhaps Rachel, who is your big sis's BFF, and you think your's too. But instead you said "my bean-bean". You love our au pair Sabine so much, and you think that she was created for this world just to be friends with you. We love seeing the bond the two of you have created, and the feeling is mutual, it is clear to see how much she loves you too. Your sister and you are really good sisters, you play well together, arguing sometimes about taking things from each other, but to watch you pretend play together or watch her help you with things or to watch you go to her when you need help is just so precious. You are a good little sister and she is a great big sister. You guys are the reason everyone should have a sister! The other night you went to bed before Lily and you said, "I need my Lily". And you did, you waited the FULL hour before going to sleep, until Lily got there.

We've been playing a lot more games with you (like board games with actual rules) since we got several new ones for Christmas. We are truly impressed with you. You have a photographic memory and play ZINGO (your sisters game - Ages 4+) very well. You say "somebody have this?" about each tile, and it's really funny. You take most things you are doing pretty seriously.

So far, you seem to really like your little brother, you haven't acted out to him at all. Mostly you go about your daily business and remember him occasionally. You love your "job" of putting the dirty diapers in the diaper pail, and get very upset when someone else does your job for you. When he cries you use a very funny voice telling me that Bryson needs a bear-bear, or wants his mommy. The two things you need when you are upset. You like to hold him sometimes for a few minutes. Not being the baby is hard on you and we are very impressed with how you are doing with the adjustment. We are so glad you have your "bean-bean" as your constant, the person who is unchanging for you right now. You love the shower and the bath, and could play all day in the water. You have long dialogues with yourself while filling up water pitchers and buckets and cups with a few squeaky toys. In every book you want to know everyone's name. So even when we don't know we just make up a name. "What her name?" you say. You call everyone a her, even when you know people are boys. Occasionally you get a "his" in there, but you call Bryson "her".

"No touch my cake, mommy, you no touch my cake?" - that is what you are saying to me right now. Now you are looking for an oven to put your cake and cookies in. Then you spotted Lily's Strawberry Shortcake Doll and you yelled, "Lily, I play with your friend, OKAY?". Here comes Lily...she seems okay with it . If I don't answer you, you just say the same thing, over and over and over and over. Lily is in her robe and you have said, "Why Lily not in her clothes, mommy?" at least 25 times! If no one answers, you keep asking.

You love to wrestle with your daddy (he puts his always cold hand on your bare back and you squeal then come back for more!), you love to cuddle with your mommy and you and Lily often pretend Lily is the mommy and you are the baby. You sleep with 2 bear-bears, a little pink lovey bear / blankie with a rattle inside. You've started coming into mommy and daddy's bed in the night for the first time ever. We think it is because you know your lil bro is in there. You suck on your bottom lip to comfort yourself and you LOVE soy vanilla milk. You are still allergic to cow's milk and peanuts. (Hmm mommy needs to make another apt with the allergist, um, lasat month, oops!). Your favorite food is sloppy joes and you call them Happy Joes. And I swear your little voice announcing Happy Joes, really does make them Happy! You are excited about everything. TEETH TIME, MILK TIME, JAMMIE TIME, we announce anything as "TIME" and you go running. You love yelling O-H-I-O and daddy loves that too...

Up until we moved you into share a room with your sister in July you were the best sleeper and bed time goer EVER, but not so much any more. You still nap once a day for 2 hours, and you do great with that. But bedtime is another story. Tonight you went to bed crying and screaming because you wanted to kiss Bryson on the head. But he was sleeping for the first time out of my arms all day and NO WAY was I letting you mess that up. You seem to love showing off for your sister, and you just cannot get to sleep.

Addie, I could go on and on about all the things about you that are great. I love you to pieces. Your arrival changed me as a mommy, your happiness (and sleepiness) gave me confidence that I could be good at this, and ultimately, you made me want to do it again. Your fuzzy little blonde head, and your snuggly little body, and your perfectly beautiful face, it all melts my heart, every single day. I look at you and I can't even believe how cute and beautiful and funny you are. I can't compare where you are at 2.5 to where your sister was at 2.5 - because you are so so different. I do love every minute with you, even the difficult ones.

And now, your tired and grateful mommy has to sign off and go deal with your sweet but SCREAMING little brother. Happy Half Birthday sweetness!

I will love you always,
Mommy

Donate Life

Last year I wrote a post remembering my friend, the little brother of my friend, the son of my friends. Today Bronson has been gone for 2 years.

He is missed so much. He was 25 years old and it was way too soon for him to go.

Through the donation of his organs he gave life to others. Today he was honored in the Rose Parade on the Donate Life float, "New Life Rises".

We watched with tears in our eyes as his picture passed on ABC on the big screen we have borrowed for the Buckeye Rose Bowl game later today, on the float floragraph picture that his parents and his sisters worked so hard on.
I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I am not an organ donor. I've always felt that it was the right thing to do but selfishly thought that I wanted the organs of my body and my family's body to stay in tact when my life was over, but after following the story of Donate Life, and this float commemorating Bronson and so many others, and reading the stories about families and receipients coming together. About tragedy for one family meaning hope for another. About the peace and comfort in knowing some good could come out of such a life changing, family changing tragedy and that another family will be so forever grateful in a way that could never be understood.

Lawrence and I have decided that we will be organ donors and so will the kids. Of course we hope to think that we will all live until we are 90 and our bodies are so used up that no one would want our organs. But we don't know these things. And just in case...we want to do this. I was moved by the stories of 6-10 month old babies that were also honored on the float, how the gifts made by these parents will give another baby a full and long life. To think that their baby's little heart will go on beating in another little girl for many more years. It's awful and wonderful, and I guess I want to look at the legacy that such a gift could bring, especially since I have been blessed with healthy babies.

In memory of our friend Bronson. One more gift he gave to the world is inspiring us to save others-should we be able to, just as he did. And maybe reading this will inspire you too. Maybe not, that's okay too. Whatever you do, please take a moment today to appreciate your family, and remember our friend. Also, please pray for the continued comfort and healing for his family.

Two years later, Brons, we miss you and thank you, friend.

Here is the link for the Donate Life blog about Bronson - read his story (it's at the end of the blog).