Herman, party of five.

Wordless Wednesday - delicious gifts from heaven

2012-01-25T11:38:00.000-08:00

The scraps of motherhood

2012-01-18T14:40:00.000-08:00

Hold on friends, this is a long journey deep into my heart. Maybe it will touch you, maybe it will not. But I feel some peace writing it down, and I even documented a few of my precious moments, so I can get to crossing that off the list.

Every mother wishes there were more of herself to go around, and every working mother, has, at one time or another wondered how come she only get the worst part of the day with their children, the scraps. The scraps of motherhood.

Before I get into this, I should start be saying we have a fabulous nanny. She adores our kids and our kids can't get enough of her. And I love her too. She is sweet and smart and fun. She acts like a kid but is responsible and careful. She works really hard, and is conscientious to make sure we think she is doing a good job. She is a good communicator, and it is so easy if I ever ask her to do something differently, she isn't defensive or argumentative. She is exactly the way you would want your nanny to be. What I'm about to say about the way I feel about my scraps says nothing about her, and to some extent I've felt this way since that first day in January of 2005 when I returned to work after maternity leave after having Lily. I've been through daycare centers, preschools, nannies, au pairs...it isn't about the care. When the care is wonderful, the kids like it, and I do want that, and more importantly I have it. Just so we are clear.

Bryson told me he liked our nanny better than he likes me yesterday.

And while it stings, this should not come as a huge shock to me. I get him up from his bed in the morning, give him his milk with little cuddle time, while I race Lily around feeding & grooming her, to get her out the door for the bus by early:29am. Then I come back in to do the same for Addie. I race upstairs when the nanny arrives to throw myself together, to get out the door to take Addie to preschool 30 minutes after the bus just came for her sister. Sometimes, between directing him not to grab, touch, or break things, I get Bryson a second cup of milk, some breakfast if he is ready, then give him a few hugs and kisses on the way out of the door. If he lets me. Sometimes, I have to push him back in the door because he wants to come. Sometimes he cries, and sometimes he says "I need you not doe bah-bye", but more often, he walks away, unaffected. Rarely do I read him the book that he has been carrying around all morning pulling on my leg while I braid hair, asking me "Weed dis book, weed dis book, tom on mama!" - Our nanny will do it, honey. That's the fun stuff, and I haven't time for the fun stuff.

These days, I [hopefully] get home in time to say hello, change him into a night time diaper and then put him to bed. Sometimes there is a little time before that to break up a fight between he and Addie, bark at him to stop throwing food from his highchair once he is done eating, or feel frustrated when he puts his toothbrush exploratorily down the gross drain or side sink hole, resulting in wet sleeves and him wrestling me to the death to put on a dry pajama shirt. Lawrence wonders why it takes me a half an hour or more to go through the bedtime routine with him, when it takes him less than 5 minutes to put him quietly to bed. It's because after I get him into his sleep sack, with his monk-monk under his chin, we rock & I sing to him as he savors every drop of milk in his cup. Then, like a wonderful heavy exhale, he turns into me, belly to belly and gets his head comfy on my shoulder, and we sing and we rock. And I collapse in that moment. Sometimes I start to sing, and stops me, he chooses a new song. Sometimes he says "Let me sing it", and I do, and I hold his hand and rub his soft baby fat fingers, and I listen, hanging on the way he sings every word. I'm in awe of his ability to sing the song, and I could listen to it for much longer than the half an hour it takes me to put him down. The moment we finish one song, he says, "what we sing now?" almost as if he thinks that if a moment of silence passes, our time together for the day will be over. I always sing last as I am laying him down, "I love you Bry-y-son, oh yes I do (he chimes in "I do!"), I love you Bry-y-son, and will be true (he again says "I do"), when your not near me, I'm blue (he sings that line with me), I love you Bryson, I love you. Then we sing I love you mama, same song. Then I sing Bryson again as I leave the room. Lately he has been stalling and fighting that song. In my guilt-ridden mind, I know it's because he knows it's the end. That's it for today buddy, same deal tomorrow, okay?

Then I head into the girls room. It's between 7:30-8pm, and so far the time I've spent with them today, is what I've described above. On a good day, they get up and get themselves dressed in the laid-out-clothes from the night before, they eat, I make coffee or go get babbling Bryson. Then I gently bark orders about eating a bit faster, and getting shoes on, teeth brushed, hair fixed, coat on, backpack packed. I try to have a meaningful conversation with Lily while waiting for the bus, especially when I don't have to bring the younger two out with me, because our nanny has arrived. It has been cold and raining so we huddle together under the umbrella and talk about the day ahead. The devastation and failure I feel when I realize I've forgotten her library book on library day, or to put her in gym shoes on gym day (yesterday=gym in snow boots), a hat on a cold day, or left her packed lunch on the counter, is highly over-exaggerated and dramatic. In my mind, I know this, but in my heart it feels like putting a hat on my kid's head on a subzero day is the least I could do, and it is directly correlated to my poor planning or bad mothering skills. My mind knows that is not true. My heart does not.

Also, on a good day, I take Addie to school, and we get that time to talk. It's 15 minutes I treasure with her. So when I haven't gone over the logistics with Lawrence to make sure there are enough car seats for me to take her and Nanny to pick her up, Nanny has to take her and pick her up, and I lose that time. And it again feels like a failure. But at least I don't have to rush to be out the door, and I can spend a few extra minutes in the shower, but more often than not, I feel too guilty to enjoy it.

After I have put Bryson down in the evening, Lawrence is usually already done with the girls. During that time, they have brushed their teeth and gone potty, and are waiting with the small lamp on for me to come. Sometimes they are both on Lily's top bunk with her reading lamp on and Lily reads to her little sister while they wait. I "rock-a-bye" and "rock-a-hmm hmm" them individually, and I pray with them individually. I try to make sure that during my "Thank you God for this day" prayer, I am not going through the generic schpeel of being thankful, I want them to truly feel cherished, I want them to feel my thankfulness about being their mother. I intentionally think of one thing that is specific to them that I am thankful for. I do not want them to think that this is a going through the motions type of deal. This is a time to hold on tight to our bear bears because we are glad God gave us a bear bear to love so much and give us comfort, and to be thankful that Lily has an empathetic heart, and that she figured out how to talk through a problem with a friend today. Lily always wants me to make sure to pray that she has no bad thoughts or dreams when she sleeps, and I do. I also usually pray that she can feel my love and God's love wrapped around her while she sleeps. That the One who created her and the one who gave birth to her think she is perfect, just as she is. No matter how many times outs or scoldings about hurrying up there were today. Because it is true.

The 2 days a week that I work from home, those are the days that save me. On those days I usually start at 9-9:30 and am done at 5. On occasion I eat lunch with the kiddos and hear about their day so far. I put Addie down for her naps, when she still takes them. I get to be involved in dinner making, or at the very least eating it with the family. I get to sit with Bryson and read a book or 7 in the morning, even if I end up putting a hat on my unwashed hair and taking Addie to school in my unwashed jeans with my jammie shirt hiding under my zipped up coat. I can take an hour or two a month and help out in Lily's classroom, or go to doctor appointments. Despite my very stressful job, after 10 years, I do have flexibility to take care of my family's needs when there is an illness or a big event. More than most I'd say. But the daily grind. It can wear me out. And more, it can wear me down. Last week I missed one day of working from home due to an interview in the office, and the week before I continued to work upstairs during movie night because of a essential last minute deadline I was required to meet. That one night and that one day threw off my whole balance last week. Add in the fact that after missing bedtime entirely 2 nights that week, I drove from downtown to Hillsboro to make it on time for Addie's Karate because I hadn't seen one lesson yet, but I got there as Lawrence was strolling all three of them out of the building, and my heart swelled with pain and failure. In that moment, I made a decision. I could have drove home angry at myself and my bad eyes for getting lost on the way there, not correctly reading street signs in the dark. Instead I decided to be glad that I'd come, let Lawr have a peaceful drive home while we traded cars, and I cheerfully chatted for 40 minutes with my kids about their day. Until I had to yell at Bryson not to tear up the book he was holding. :)

When we just had Lily, I thought I had the scraps. But it was just her, and there were two of us. And every moment of scrap time was spent making her feel loved, in an environment she thrived in, so there was less no, and more yes. Even when mild tempered Addie came along. There were two, and it was often divide and conquer scrap time, but Addie didn't get into things and destroy things the way Bryson does, so I felt like I could manage that scrap time and it was mostly pleasant with a dash of drill sergeant.

These days, with the addition of my Bryson-monster - who has truly entered the terrible twos, if I'm not careful I can quickly turn mostly drill sergeant, with a dash of pleasant. If I'm lucky. And that's not good because my mind says you are doing your best, you are doing good enough, even. But you know that's not what my heart says. It says I'm not enough. Not good enough. And those are the times that I can reach out and tangibly feel God's voice in my ear. You. Are. Enough. Just. As. You. Are. Right. Now.

And I'm reminded that I don't have to clean up my act and be "better" before God will love me, he just does. As I am. With my imperfections. And sin. And failures, both self-perceived, and culturally-perceived. He loves me now, and He certainly knows me now. After all, He created me to be this mess. A beautiful big mess with a purpose and a voice. Right now. This is it. It's scraps. But if I wasn't living on scraps now, would I ever be able to fully appreciate more someday? I don't know. I do know that there is a lesson to be learned through every story. And it takes patience to get there. Perspective helps too. Will there be a day that I would give anything for this normal? For this daily grind? Maybe.

So I spend my weekends fitting in QT with my family, going to birthday parties, and occasionally letting that my friends know that I have not fallen off the face of the earth. We are making fun memories, while also trying to make sure we have food in the house and clean underwear to put on for the week ahead. I have calendars and to do lists as far as the eye can see. There are big plans for an organized future and year ahead, no forgotten library books or lunches or hats in 2012, no sir. Not to mention 8 hrs of sleep. The house usually gets bare minimum treatment, plus a little love from our cleaning lady every few weeks. Those toilets aren't going to clean themselves and God knows I'll never find time.

So what's a girl to do? If you know me, you know I can't end any blog being all, woe is me. You also know that I'm not looking for pity. Being a mom is hard, 1 kid, 2 kids, 3 kids, 4 kids, 5 kids, whether you work or stay at home with your children, it's hard. So this isn't a discussion of what I should do. Everyone looks at everyone and says, 'oh I could never do that'. But we all could do that, if that's what we had to do. We all do do that, that which someone else says they could not.

So, I just keep going, and keep appreciating, and keep loving. Keep eating those scraps like they are the best meal I've ever had. Because they are the only meal that I have. And on a day, like my birthday, when I took the day off work, to just be with them, to just play with them, no obligations, no appointment, no work...well, then, I enjoy it and savor it, and know that this is how it should be. This is the good stuff. And this good stuff is mine. And for now that's enough.

"Gratitude turns what we have into enough"

Well, I am grateful, that's for sure.

And sometimes I do get a chance to sit down and read the book.

Lost tooth furniture

2012-01-15T20:16:00.000-08:00

Lily lost her second tooth today.

It was the top right if you are looking at her. It was hanging there by a thread for a while. Finally today, I pulled it. It wasn't too hard. But once it was out, you could see the one spot in the tooth where the root was a little longer, thus the "thread" it was hanging on by.

I'll admit that I'm going to miss this smile - from two short months ago when no teeth were loose.

photo by www.christinagilchrist.com

Those perfect little chicklets, all evenly spaced.

People, we have entered...dun dun dun...the awkward stage.

No, we haven't entered it yet, but we sure as heck on on the front entrance to the hallway that leads to awkward land. I'm not happy about it.

She happens to be thrilled. She was the last person to lose a tooth in her class. And she is nearly the oldest kid in her class (she informed me that she has the first bday, but she is not THE oldest, because one boy has his bday in August, so I stand corrected if I've ever told you that she was OLDEST, it is not true).

She lost her first tooth on Jan 3, and then her second today, Jan 15. I pulled both of them, but barely. I just did the final tug so she didn't lose one during school lunch and come home devastated.

She got $3 from the tooth fairy last time, and the tooth fairy even left her tooth for her to keep/show her grandparents (and take for show n tell). She left a note tonight thanking the tooth fairy for the three bucks and asking her to leave this tooth too.

Addie's take on things: It bleeds because, well, God makes blood because he makes it and it is down here in the gums and it is like blood when the tooth comes out and that is how the tooth stays in.

Genius.

Lily: What will happen if we leave the blood in there (some inside the tooth).
Me: Well it will just stay in there and dry out, and it turns kind of a dark red/blackish color.
Lily: My WHOLE TOOTH!!!???
Me: No, just where there is blood.
Lily: Oh, well, then, I guess the tooth fairy won't mind that.
Me: No, I'm sure she has seen a lot grosser things
Lily: Yeah, like yellow teeth, and cavities, and fillings and stuff.
Me: Yep, she won't mind a drop of blood
Lily: Well, some people probably scrub it and stuff, should I scrub it? I could scrub it.
Me: Naw, she really won't mind (imagining her dropping it down the drain and seeing my future evening of digging in a disgusting drain pipe). Lily, this isn't even gross to her at all.
Lily: Yeah, and she probably just has like some people who clean their teeth, and those are the ones that she uses for furniture and stuff like that.
Me: ????? Yeah, probably.

Furniture and stuff? I mean, what goes on in kids' minds often boggles mine. Kids that are mine, and that I think I know all of their nuances. This bright young girl has somehow come to the conclusion that people scrub their teeth so the tooth fairy can make FURNITURE out of it. Sigh. Giggle.

Well, it inspired me to write a little blog to remember, and now I have first tooth last documented as well. So that's a good thing. Here are pictures of that first tooth. The one that went tonight was a top middle, and she does look adorable. That is until BIGGIE BIG comes through. You can see toppie is loose in this picture.

You are going to think I'm a terrible person, but I didn't get a chance to take a picture the one from today (I know, right?!). But these are the picture from when she lost the first one.

Can you feel the awkward coming on??? :)

*********************
Updated to add:

Now she has lost tooth number 3 on Jan 20th, no picture of that yet. She is proud that that one is the first tooth that came out all on it's own, no "help" from mom. The tooth fairy knew we were in Mt Hood and came there!

3 teeth in one month. Whew.

We needed some mountain air, so we got it.

2012-01-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

Can you tell which person in this picture wanted it taken?

We went up to Mount Hood today and planned on Snowshoeing to sled, but once we got up there, we decided not to get snow shoes and to just sled, make mini snowmen, and, in Bryson's case, eat a lot of snow, all in all we had a really great day. I've been working a lot this week, and we needed to get out of the house, together and have fun, and that we did.

Holiday Love

2011-12-25T14:13:00.000-08:00

Give Credit where Credit is due

Photos by www.ChristinaGilchrist.com

Card Design by Pinch of Spice on Etsy

It's the most wonderful time of the year

2011-12-12T07:24:00.000-08:00

Angel on top

Tradition was started last year when everyone gets a turn

After a week in New York City, the girls and I got home, promptly decorated the tree (already picked out and standing by Lawrence and Bryson), played some driedel with Daddy, and were off to see Santa. Now that our trip is over, there is a lot of holiday-ing to do, not to mention a very special little man's birthday coming up in 2 days!

Lily went first (although she is the one who insisted they all go up together). ALL smiles. Told him where she goes to school and how old she is, he cannot believe she is already 7, he remembers the first year he brought her presents and it doesn't seem like 7 years ago!

After MUCH deliberation about what to ask, how much to ask for, to get what she wants, but not to let Santa think she was greedy, she decided on:

1. Magic Tricks

2. The Original Annie Movie (no remakes please)

3. Matching Outfit for her and her AG doll

Addie also took a while to think about what she wanted. She doesn't care if Santa thinks she is greedy, he can just bring less stuff, or choose what he wants, and if she hasn't been good, then he also doesn't need to bring as much. whtatever. Her attitude and carefulness over the decision is a 180 from her big sis.

Her list:

1. Blue Paper

2. Cars 2 Movie

3. Cars Toy

4. Stamps with a bin (the bin part is very important to her, she does NOT want willy nilly stamps running around with no place to keep them contained)

Bryson took several candy canes out of the basket while big sisters were taking their turn with Santa. He broke some, sucked on some, put some back. Stellar mother I am, I let him do what he wanted to those candy canes so that I could take advantage of the photo opps. Santa asked him to try not to get Candy Cane in his beard when he came on board the lap.

Yeah, who cares, have you TASTED this candy cane?

Because he is mine and I know him, he is shouting "JOVER" in this picture

He did however actually remember what he wanted when Santa asked, and I was impressed for sure.

1. Grover (pronounced "Jover")

2. Handy Manny ("Mandy") tools

And so begins the most wonderful time of the year

Wordless Wednesday - This is what home looks like to me

2011-11-30T17:39:00.000-08:00

Joseph, OR November 2011

Wordless Wednesday - What a difference a year makes

2011-11-23T11:43:00.000-08:00

November 2011

November 2010

Soccer is simple, but it is difficult to play simple

2011-11-18T08:30:00.000-08:00

Another year of soccer is in the books, and we are very proud of the 8 girls on our team. Our soccer league stops co-ed after Kindergarten which is unfortunate because we were all set to have the same coach (and team mostly) as we did last year. Unfortunately, our super star coach D from last year, well, her son is a boy, and we couldn't talk her in to coaching Lily's team anyway. Ha. So we were chosen on another team and Lawrence assistant coached this year. It was a great experience for he and for Lily. He played a lot of soccer when he was younger, so unlike Tball coaching last spring, where he was mostly winging it (and keeping spacey 5 year olds from hitting each other with baseball bats), he knew how to teach this sport.

They play 4 on 4 in the 1st grade, as opposed to 3 on 3 last year. As an adult, it's always interesting to think back to what this was like at my age. Could I have thrived at soccer (vs just enduring it for 5+ years) if I hadn't been on a co-ed team 10 vs 10, being a defender while Jesse Shirley, Mickey Roberts, and Jesse Peterson all controlled the ball IN A FULL SIZED SOCCER FIELD. As I think back I remember that my mom used to say to people (who obviously weren't at the game), "Jenny is good at getting into the mix and kicking it out of there". I know that must be a lie because I was 1. a defender in the back field picking dandelions with very good and agressive teammates who never let the ball near my goal, and 2. Well, I'm just fairly certain I was not a player who was "good at kicking" anything, much less, it, out of the middle of the blob of school-aged soccer players. For starters, just to remind you, I looked like this.

Anyway, that's neither here nor there. And it gives me great pride to watch Lily as one of the best players on the team. She is strong and aggressive. The girl can HUSTLE (when she wants to, who knew? Not the person who has to bark orders to get her shoes tied every.single.morning). She was good last year against the boys, but this year she was great playing with the girls and it was fun to see her excel and score so often. The second to last game, Lawrence bribed her with a milkshake on the way home if she PASSED THE BALL a few times. He wanted her to get an assist. She knew what that meant. I found out that term when I was 22 and met Lawrence. Heh. And she did pass the ball that day. However, that made it her only scoreless game. She would get up to the net and beat the rest of both teams there, waiting for someone to pass it to, NOT shooting. Finally she had the perfect set up. She passed it to another girl, who missed the goal, but it was fine. Lily did what she was there to do, and we were proud of her. She enjoyed every drop of that milkshake. Because she does NOT hustle when it comes to eating desserts. Or any other food for that matter.

Coach Dad and his girls warming up

My heart jumps a little every time I see her look over to her dad, for approval, celebration, or encouragement. Her desire to please him makes me delight in them both. He really is her first love, as it should be for every little girl.

It's so hot, I'm taking refuge in the shade of Bryson's stroller and might die if I look at you .

Whoa is me

I have a crush on the coach.

WHO is this kids mother? Sunburn fail!

My little big buckeye. This Jersey made him look SO big.

Bryson did SO good this year at every soccer game. Wow. We would get there loaded with water bottles and snacks and umbrellas and chairs and coats. I would let him out of the stroller once we set up camp and the girls were warming up. He'd run amok and I'd chase after. Sometimes we'd have to wake him from a nap, sometimes we'd have to keep him awake on the way home, but he never missed a game. Then, once the game started, I'd strap him back in and stop his resistance to that with SNACKS. Yes, I'd start feeling him snacks, rationing like a madwoman, one raisin at a time as I never took my eye off the field. I think that SOME of the other soccer moms *might* have thought I was a lil crazy in that I fed this kid for an hour straight, every single soccer game (and let's be honest some practices too. ~~right before dinner~~). Sometimes huddled under the umbrella for shade, sometimes to stay dry. Sometime Addie sat with us, sometimes she was with the coach and team on the other side of the field, looking important and trying to fit is. Each week brought weather extremes at total opposite spectrums, and no matter what the little guys came home SOAK and WET. My one goal was to figure out a way to 1. watch the game 2. Keep him dry 3. Off the soccer field 4. No "looks" from the coach.

This changed the college football Saturdays that we've grown to love (except for the maddening terrible service of the Comcast Gameday Package...If you don't already know the story, don't ask, at least we got the whole season for free, after weeks of frustrated Husband on my hands)

Lily has the ball, everyone is on her

If this picture doesn't make your heart swell with pride, well, you probably aren't her mother.

Our alternate team member. She'll be ready next year.

Next game. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Only one week later. She doesn't like being the goalie. Likes to be IN THE ACTION.

Being a soccer kid in Portland, Oregon - doesn't she look tough!

Where is the ball in this picture?

Uncle Matt got to come to two of the games upon his return from "the yucky place". Addie was happy that her school bear who slept over for the weekend has a place to stay dry.

The Shooting Stars and their fearless leaders happy to receive soccer trophies

At the end of the season, I'm glad for it to be over. I'm glad for the Tuesday / Thursday practice, Saturday game madness to end. At the party, listening to the other parents swoon over my husband and my daughter makes me so proud of them both. The other parents thank him for his time and investment into their kids. They acknowledge him the mean it. I know L&L are both incredible, and it's super cool when someone else notices and tells you all about it.

Just a few funnies I wrote down from a "few" months back (ha. July.)

2011-11-17T08:30:00.000-08:00

Lawrence (on the phone with me while I was at the store/bank giving him specific instructions about something): "I don't know, I'll just call Julia and ask her"

Me: "Why can't you just let me tell you right now?"

Lawrence: "Because you are kind of panicking for some reason and I really want to get off the phone with you"

After we hung up, I laughed and laughed and laughed. Because he was TOTALLY right. I was late, had to pee, unload groceries, wearing a jacket when it was way too hot to wear a jacket, I was giving him specific instructions and I could tell he wasn't listening to them, so the agitation in my voice was MORE than a little bit obvious. He was so right. I did sound like I was in a shear panic. And I think it's funny that he wanted to get off the phone with me and was candid about it. This probably won't even sound funny to anyone else, but it reminds me about something intangible that is great about us.

Me: Addie, please don't be so rough with Bryson's hand while you show him how to do that, be gentle

Addie: I have to, mama. I'm rough, I'm a rougher, that's what roughers do. They say rough, rough, rough. So if you tell me not to do that, I will say I am a rougher.

(Covering my mouth to hide laughter)

Addie: Lily, you are really smart

Lily: I know. I'm really smart for a six year old, but I'm not really smart for an adult. You are really smart too.

Addie: I know.

Photos by Holly Kae

Wordless Wednesday - Top Bunk Sleepover

2011-11-16T12:05:00.000-08:00

You never know what you'll find when you check on your girls before you go to bed. :)

A family that loves me

2011-11-10T09:13:00.000-08:00

My mom made this for me to celebrate remember another year of blessings and accompliments:

Thanks Mom!

With this beautiful little note:

Jenny, though I hope your other gifts reach you today, I'm sending this one by e-mail, a collage of your life in the past year. I marvel at your resiliency, knowing all you were going through that you packed so much into your life and the lives of your family.I can never tell you -- though since you are the mother of your own daughters -- how much I love you and how very much you've added to my life, since the moment you were born 35 years ago through the years to today.You are such a very special person, not only to me but to many, many, many others. You make a difference. We are so lucky to have you, and I consider you the shining achievement of my life.I love you so much.Happy birthday,Your proud mother

AND

I also got a card so sweet that I couldn't really read it in front of them, from my brother, and his girlfriend, Heather. I came upstairs and behind my closed door, I read and I cried. It was too kind. Matt just got back from Iraq in September. I've always had a great relationship with him, but I feel extremely close to him after his year away and the time we've spent reconnecting since he returned. This was the first card I've ever gotten from him that wasn't along the lines of "thanks for all the years of torture growing up!". :)

It said:

She's the first to help someon,
to see a need and lend a hand,
to sense a pain and understand.
That's just the way my sister is.

She's always busy, doing more
than other people can get done,
and yet she finds the time for fun.
That's just the way my sister is.

She has so many qualities
that others recognize as rare,
but she's completely unaware.
That's just the way my sister is.
That's why I love her.

There have been some times in my life
when I don't know how I would have
made it through if it hadn't been for you.
You support and help,
your confidence in me ~
all thees have meant more than I can tell you.

I'll always be thankful for all
the wonderful things you are~
and especially for the wonderful fact
that you're my sister!
Happy Birthday.

You know, I get pretty sentimental when it comes to my mom and Matt. And it's hard to put into words what my little family unit means to me. I hope neither of them mind me sharing their sweet sentiments here. I could read over and over the kind words they shared with me today, and I don't want them lost at the bottom of a pile of papers or lost in email clutter land, but displayed proudly for me to reread and remember the love that I am surrounded with, that I have always been surrounded with. I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have to have the mama and brother I do.

First Date

2011-11-04T22:58:00.000-07:00

When Lily was born, she made us three, and we had loads and loads of events, outings, and adventures that were just Lily, Mommy, & Daddy. Then when Addie was born, we all made a real effort (grandparents included) to make sure that while I was home with her new baby, Lily was out getting to do something cool. We had family time, and we also nurtured special time with Lily, even occasionally planning times for her to spend with only her parents, just us 3. Then finally Addie was old enough for us to put the girls in tap class together, swim lessons together, and more importantly for us to all go out and do fun things as a family. Addie and Lily made Four, remember? The two of them were a unit of two, and I will always look at how they were before Bryson, as a pair, sweeter sisters than anything I could have imagined.

As we pondered whether or not to have a third, I often thought about how having another baby would change that. All of our kids would likely be less of a single unit, but of course, that was no reason not to add to our family.

After Bryson came, we have had many times, when we go to events without him. Just the girls and us, like the old days. We also have taken turns going to things one on one. Lawrence takes the girls skiing or running, individually, he coached Lily's tball team and took her ice skating. I take them shopping or to lunch or on coffee shop dates one on one (man, my things sound lame comparatively, what's new? But now wonder he is the fun one!)

Sometime around mid June, when the new Cinetopia was being built at the bottom of our hill, we decided we wanted to take Addie on a movie date alone, since Lily doesn't really like feature length films. Cars 2 was out in 3D and we offered to have Lily come, but she declined. Julia agreed to work late and be with Bryson and Lily, so I took off work early and we went to a movie with Addie.

Addie was so excited she could barely stand it. When we pulled up, parked and started walking toward the theatre, she took both her mom's hand, and her dad's hand. She didn't try to swing, just walked boldly and proudly up the stairs marching forward to the show. She was SO cute. We got some popcorn and water and found our seats. Since it was like 3pm it was just us + a few others at the movie, and Addie was wide eyed. Since she is so small, her 3D glasses didn't fit so great but that didn't really bother her, she was WAY too busy eating the entire bag of popcorn to notice much.

She loved the movie, things that I knew would have scared or stressed out her older sister, flew right over her head. She stood up and danced a little during one part. Every time I thought we were done with the popcorn, I put it down, and her little greasy hand started pawing around in my lap looking for it, not taking her goggled eyes off the big screen. After the movie, I tried on her glasses to see how they felt with these foamy things on the ears to make them fit better. I couldn't see through them! They were SO covered with little buttery finger prints.

We took a few pictures on my phone on the way out. Lawr wouldn't let me ask a stranger to get a picture of the three of us, on a Thursday afternoon in a movie theater. Party pooper. :(

It was on the way home that we realized it was our first date with Addie. She is a different kid when she is not under the umbrella of being a pair with her big sis. She is smart and funny and quirky. In all different ways than Lily is.

Sometimes it makes me feel bad to look at all that hasn't been done with Addie and Bryson that we did with Lily, but I try to remember the gift of siblinghood that they do have, that they have always had. Lily gave them the gift of parents who were stressed out about things that didn't matter. The gift of parents who would use hand-me-downs. :) And she really is such a great big sister, we gave them all that.

In any case, relationships in a family are a lot of work, and it's fun to see the dynamics that build. Addie and Bryson, beat each other up, and love each other most. They are together all day while Lily is at school. Lily and Addie share a room, and they have a lot of together time, they are still a pair. They often sneak off to another room where they can do things and not worry about Bryson the destroyer getting their stuff. Lily is SO good with Bryson, just this morning she came in and woke me up to see if she could get him up because he was singing, and she wanted to go be with him. She asked me if she could get his morning milk first. She did and I got another 10 minutes of sleep. Oh, where was I? (I tend to get off track when it comes to droning on about more sleep for myself.) She is a great care taker, and really helps everyone out when it comes to being the oldest sister.

When I want to beat myself up about not giving each kid more chances to be the only child with their mom and dad, I know we do our best. It is hard enough for Lawrence and I to get time alone, much less time alone together with each kid. We both have our individual time with each of them, and we also have a great family dynamic. And it's nice to remember that, be thankful for it, and occasionally get a date night, whether it's with one kid or without one.

Dates with Mommy and Daddy are special. Even for Mommy and Daddy.

Wordless Wednesday - Three

2011-11-02T11:32:00.000-07:00

Trick or Treat

2011-11-01T12:46:00.000-07:00

Halloween Morning

This year Lily was Minnie Mouse and she wore her costume to first grade.
They had a Halloween Party and a Parade.
Since Addie goes to a Christian Preschool they don't celebrate Halloween, but had a PJ party instead. To her, this was as good as getting to celebrate by wearing TWO costumes, and Bryson was thrilled to be matching to Addie in Thomas attire.

Halloween Night

Bryson kept opening dum-dums, which have become our treat of choice to hand out so we don't eat one million of them before the trick or treaters come, however, now that Bryson is in this family that might have to change. Almond Joy here we come.

Addie ran around the house shouting, Halloween, I've been waiting the whole year, over and over and over. We had a very excited little race car on our hands.

A smile to make me smile

A family picture of sorts. Need proof that there is 5 of us every once in a while.

Every year on Halloween, this is our first picture, Backs walking up the sidewalk. And now there are three. Hmm, I feel a timeline comparison coming on...

Bryson did not stop at the first house, he kept going. Man, he loved being "on the run" for trick or treating. Pushing the door bell is another favorite of his. So this was QUITE a treat.

I wish I would have gotten some video of them. We trick or treated with our friends the O family and all the kids had a blast. Bryson would ALWAYS ask for seconds, and because he was so cute, always said Trick or Treat, always said Happy Halloween, and always said Thank you and bye-bye, people kept giving him MORE candy. He bucket was heavy and full but he carried it every step of the way.

The big kids waited at almost every house for little brother to get up the stairs, and we started pretty early, so there were a lot of houses with no one home. It really was a crap shoot as to whether someone would answer the door. Getting them to move on and accept that no one was coming to the door after 4-6 doorbell rings was a chore.

By the last house it was dragging on the ground. And the hood to his costume was long gone. Everyone once in a while he would bust out a "La la la laa, La la la laaa, Ewmo's woad"

Everyone was super happy to trick or treat our house, but Bryson was NOT super happy to be done trick or treating.

After a group shot the girls were really excited to be trick or treated and count their loot. The traded in some of it for toys that daddy got for them.

Another holiday has come and gone, and I'm sure before long they will start thinking of what they want to be next year. Last year at this time, they were going to go as the letter "L" and "A". I'm happy they changed their minds.

The girls were doing all they could to drum up MORE trick or treaters. Then every time we would get another trick or treater they would act all stressed out and busy at the task of getting candy into everyone's bucket. So fun to watch.

My favorite line of the night (other than pretty much everything that Bryson did or said)...

Lily: Man, I would do ANYTHING to get more customers

Cast:

Lily - Minnie Mouse

Addie - Lighting McQueen

Bryson - Elmo

Lucy - Fancy Nancy

Bailee - Pinkalicious

Jameson - Monkey

Hiding in the Leaves

2011-10-31T12:56:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while since you heard from me again, even though I can't blog as much as I'd like, I can't let the WHOLE month of wonderful October go by without a post.

It was the month that my baby girl turned 7.

It was the month of penguin fun.

It was the month of an AMAZING Women of Faith conference.

It was the month of another local MCT play.

It was the month I had company for 19 days of 31.

It was the month of pumpkin patches.

It was the month of Halloween costumes.

It was the month of school conferences.

But it wasn't the month that I could write about all those things.

Not just yet.

"Not Me" Monday

2011-09-12T17:40:00.000-07:00

MckMama challenged me to laugh at myself on this otherwise BLLAAAH Monday for all of life's little imperfections and for the things that happens that no one would evvvvver know about, unless you admit them, and really, who is going to do something like that. Not me.

1. When Lily demanded that she be allowed to get from the bus to the house without anyone waiting outside to meet her, and we argued about it for a while, I definitely did not yell at her and tell her that I didn't want a stranger to take her. I would never take advantage of my girl and her scaredy cat tendencies to get what I want. (AND what is safe for her by the way) Nope. Not me.
2. "Ding-dong". "Ding-dong"."Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-DONG"I did not race down the stairs during naptime with ALL my might and rip open the door to tear the culprit's head off, only to find a little girl who wanted to play with Lily. I did not lie to the little girl and tell her that Lily wasn't home out of anger, nor did I get caught in said lie when Lily poked her head out to see who was "ringing the doorbell so much". Nope. Not me.
3. I never ever leave my son in a poopy diaper waiting for my husband to notice and go change it, even though he would probably just do it if I asked him anyway. Nope. Not me.
4. I did not type this up at work when I really SHOULD have been working on reviewing a German Consolidation worksheet. Nope. NOT. ME.
5. I am Definitely not wearing the same tank top under my clothing that I slept in last night. Out of sheer laziness and exhaustion this morning, I for sure found another camisole that was in the put away clean clothes. As a side note ALL of my clothes are clean, folded, and put away, of course. Never would I go a whole weekend without doing the sweaty laundry from the hottest week of the summer. Gross. Certainly not something that I would do. 6. I am not genuinely sad that I watched the finale of Entourage last night. The Series Finale. I'm not bummed today, missing my "friends". Like they are my own friends. Like I knew them. And I'm not even a teeny little bit jealous that Vince got married. And it wasn't to me who lost many hours of sleep marathoning it in order to catch up and watch the last show as it aired. That won't add a few minutes to the old free time bank. Nope. None.

How can it be?

2011-09-06T11:57:00.000-07:00

This shouldn’t have been harder than last year. But it is.

Every year sounds so much older than the last.

I just dropped my first child off for her first day of first grade.

As my well adjusted, excited baby girl happily found her cubby, coat hook, and name at the table, my eyes swelled and I was [just a tad bit] jealous of the mom consoling her sobbing little boy in the corner of the room. If only a little. She reminded me on the walk from the car to the school of how much she loved me. "As much as she can", she said. I'm just behind God in the ranking of her heart she listed. More than any other human, she articulated. But she wasn't nervous, and she didn't need me. I'm so grateful, I'm weepy. I'm so amazed, my breath is caught in my throat.

When I first had Lily and I met another mom who had a first grader, I thought she lived on another planet than I did. SIX YEARS OLD WAS SO OLD. In some ways that other mom DID live on another planet than I did. But that was like yesterday. And it was also like a million years ago.

Each and every milestone blindsides me, and I'm constantly in awe of how fast time goes, and how weird it is when I look back at 5-6-7 years ago, and it feels like both the blink of an eye and an eternity, simulaneously.

I know I'm not alone, parents across the country are posting first day of school pictures. Friends I graduated with have kids starting high school, middle school, elementary, and kindergarten. Each parent is amazed as they post their own smiling picture of their little one complete with new outfit and new backpack on Facebook. And the overwhelming majority of comments are along the lines of "look how grown up they are" from friends who haven't seen them lately or "enjoy it, it will go so fast" from empty nester who want us parents with young kids to love each moment for what it is as they ponder their own life as it was just yesterday and a million years ago.

And still. My day is my own. I experience it alone and with millions of other parents.

How can my baby girl be in first grade already? HOW?

How did this...

Become this?

How did this:

and this

Become THIS!:

Heck, if I could, I'd rewind just one year and take THIS back!

Kindergarten didn't sound as old as first grade. Just like 5 didn't sound as old as 6. And 6 doesn't sound as old as quickly approaching 7.
In a minute I will have a 7,4,&2 year old. So much different than a 6,3,&1 year old. Or at least to me it is. To that new mom nearly years ago it was.

I love her as she is today. Sweet. Smart. Beautiful. All the things I prayed for her to be when she was this...

But it doesn't make it any easier to believe that we are here...that this happy, non-sleeping baby, the amazing one who changed my life and made me a mommy...that today she is off enjoying her first packed school lunch, her first school recess, her first full day...that today is her first day as a first grader.

Joseph Little Things

2011-08-22T13:52:00.001-07:00

My good friend Jenn has this great blog thing that she does, it's called, The Little Things. It's taking stock of all the good things happening in her life, when there isn't time to blog it all.

We went to Joseph to see my mom on August 13....and go to the Bronze, Blues, and Brews. It didn't suck. It was awesome even. I say that because if I'm honest, every time we have gone away with 3 kids for a long weekend since having Bryson, it has totally sucked and by the last day, I'm SO ready to get back to our own house and our own sleeping arrangements/baby gated community. It's not that I never enjoy myself, but the first year I was still nursing and or pumping...which for the record sucks while you are camping in so many ways. Then this year it has poured down rain and been terrible weather every time we've left home.

So I was COMMITTED to enjoying our time in Joseph. No matter what. We thought about what might make it more enjoyable, and decided to to pick up my 15 year old cousin, Susannah and bring her along as an extra set of hands and some great company. It was the perfect decision, we enjoyed each other's company, got to know each other a little better, and she was awesome with the kids. All of my friends couldn't say enough good things about her.

I made sure to take inventory of the little things:
The mostly peaceful even-though-they-don't-sleep-on-the-7-hr-drive car ride
The planning ahead
Bringing less = more
Girls at camp so we left a little later and had peace packing the car while Jennifer took Brys to the park
The smell of the mountain air with a dash of charcoal on the BBQ when we pulled into my mom's driveway
The feeling of Addie's small hand holding mine
Watching the girls run to mom's front door in delight screaming "Grandma, Grandma, Grandma"
Watching Bryson do the same, even though he had no clue where we were
Hugging Mom
Hugging Will
Hugging Mandy
Hugging Leah
Going to bed early
Everyone sleeping through the night
A morning run with Mandy
When it's hot in Joseph early in the morning
Mom buying our tickets as an early anniversary present
Lawrence getting there early and waiting in line for a spot in the shade
Listening to blues music while playing card games with my kids
Drinking a few too many microbrews and being able to walk to my moms
Old friends catching up
Old friends saying, "are those your cute kids who've been running in the sprinkler?"
The incredible sunset over the mountains
Susannah's sweet smile saying, "I'll go chase him for a while, you sit!"
Forgetting about the FORTY FIVE degree temperature drop when it goes from 85 to 40 when the sunsets
Kids riding bikes through town
7 ice cream cones for $1.75. REALLY?
Mom and Bryson time
"Welcome to BeeCrowBee everything you see outside is half off today" - Lily at the sidewalk sale Will set up for them
Tacos at Mandy and Joe's
Morning power walk with Mandy
Day at the Lake with Will
Getting a picture on that huge chair with the girls when he promised himself he'd never be photoed there
Susannah's first go Kart ride with Lily as her passenger.
The look of excitement and terror on her face.
Watching my kids try to skip rocks and play in my lake
Outside Seating at Terminal Gravity
Staying up too late laughing with friends
Realizing that it's the last day, and wishing it wasn't over rather than wishing it was.
Kids being good AGAIN on the drive home-again not sleeping!!

And now...here are too many pictures!

I love the sunsets and the friendships in my home town.

I love my mom and my kids.

I love my husband.

I love my mountains and my Main street.

I love.

Goodbye is only a prolonged Hello

2011-07-30T14:06:00.000-07:00

Whatever.

It sucks. Today we said goodbye to our loved and needed AuPair, Julia. She has 2 weeks of fun and traveling the parts of the US that she hasn't seen yet, before she goes back to Germany and our family is left one person short. Julia has been amazing this year. I really don't know how I would have gotten through this difficult year without her. My work life was insane and my emotional life was dangling by a thread, and she really was a type of glue and consistency, constantly full of kindness, helpfulness, and encouragement. She has a knack for being just what we need when we need it.

My heart breaks for her and the kids. They are so in love with each other. They have a special bond that could not be any sweeter.

In a final moment today, before we left the house, Addie gave Julia one of her bear-bears and made her promise to think of her every night when she slept with it. Addie has 4 bear-bears, it might seem like a lot, like she had one to spare, but bear-bear is her best friend, her comfort, her playmate. To give a bear-bear to Julia (even if it was admittedly the one that she like the least) it was touching. Julia burst into tears with the biggest smile on her face. Julia's friend Micah and I did too because it was just too cool of a gesture. I told Lawrence the story in the car, and even his eyes filled with tears as he thought about it.

I told Lily that I feel bad for Bryson, because he doesn't know what is going on, and he says "Buh-Bye Jew-a" but he doesn't know that it is goodbye for a very long time, that the next time he sees her won't be in a few hours or days. Lily said, "I feel really sad for everyone, especially myself". :)

This is awesome. And it's hard. We now have 2 girls who will forever be part of our family due to this program. But starting over fresh, with a broken heart each year...well...it just sucks. I can't say it more eloquently than that. It sucks for them and for us. We will move on and we will have each other. I heard Julia say to Bryson, the LOVE of her life, the other morning, "Who's smile will brighten my days, and start them off right when I don't have you?" And I know she means that with her WHOLE heart.

We will be taking a year or so off the AuPair program and hiring a nanny who won't live with us. We've founds someone sweet and special that we are really happy about.

Saying goodbye to an AuPair isn't like saying goodbye to a childcare provider though. It's like saying goodbye to a family member. The sadness doesn't come just because of the job there is to fill, it comes from losing the genuine love that we have for each other. Knowing that the person caring for the kids loves them and us as much as we love her.

Julia is an incredible person. She is 20, and she is mature, smart, godly. She will go so far in her life. Her future is wide open and I'm so proud of the person she has become while she is here. She has been so open to every experience, and blessing have poured down on her. And on us. I know she has so much to look forward to, and the next chapter of her life can't start until this one ends.

But.

I'm just sad that I don't get to see her everyday anymore.

"Goodbye, Goodbye, to you and you and you..." or, "We're going on a trip in our favorite rocket ship..."

"Bryson, do you want to hold my hand?"

One last picture-Bryson kicking Addie in the head...

We love you "Jue-a"!!!

The last three-year-old rock-a-bye

2011-07-02T00:39:00.000-07:00

Today was

The last three-year-old breakfast

The last three-year-old bath

The last three-year-old movie night

The last three-year-old Curious George book

And right before bed

The last three-year-old Rock-a-Bye baby

The last three-year-old kiss goodnight

But my Addie reminded me that tomorrow we could do four-year-old all of those things

(She also told me she will scrapbook the dry pull-up that she's been wearing for the last week and that she wore for the last night time tonight)
if she keeps it dry once again

You see, four-year-olds don't wear pull-ups at night like three-year-olds do

Bear-bear was almost too excited to get to sleep
He wishes it was Addie's birthday everyday
Addie got him calmed down with an "I can't wait" chant, that Bryson and Lily joined in too

Photo by Holly Kae

Four sounds so much older than three.

I love you, my Addie
Happy Fourth Birthday, my love!

Out of the Past : 40 weeks

2011-06-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

As I reflect on the birth week of my middle child, and think back to the days leading up to bringing her into the world, I've been pretty nostalgic. Today was my due date with Addie. Four years ago. I went back to my babysite that I kept as a journal back then, and it was fun to re-read. Without further ado, here it is.

40 Weeks
Date: 06/27/2007 Today is officially my due date. Here it is at 12:37am and I'm having contractions, strong enough to keep me awake, but not regular enough to get too excited yet. But I figure I will write a little bit and then track the time of the contractions at the same time, then try and go get some sleep by 1 or 1:30. (12:33, 12:37)

We have promised Lily a trip to the Library tomorrow (today) for story hour and to check out some books for the first time. She is really excited about it. I'm going to keep her home with me and I keep thinking that if I go into labor tonight, she will be really disappointed (12:40). By the way the times in the parenthesis are the contraction start times, and it is easier to just put it in (plus a great way of saving documentation rather than saving scraps of paper or excel schedules later!). Today Lily asked me about a minivan in the parking lot as we were leaving school, I told her it was Candace's (a little girl in her class). She wanted to know if it was new or old. I told her I thought that it was pretty new, they got it when Candace's mom had Candace's baby (12:43). She said that Candace's baby was already out, but Lily's baby was not out yet. I think Candace's brother is around 7 mths or so. Anyway, she said, "I want Addie to come out, but Addie keeps staying in, she doesn't come out." I thought that was so cute. So my thinking is that Lily will be okay with not going to the library if she gets to see her new sister. Of course, let's not get ahead of ourselves yet. This is just wishful thinking.

Today I nested like crazy, all the laundry is done and put away, dishes done, kitchen clean. I went to home depot, office depot, payless, walgreens, safeway, & out to lunch at Sweet Tomato with my mom. I downloaded photos and charged batteries, made a pot roast, walked my fanny off, took Lily to the park, and got everything I wanted crossed off my list. My mom did some weeding in the back yard since it is (12:47) driving me crazy and my husband won't let me hire someone, nor does he have the time or energy to do it. It looks much better. My face looks like a cartoon snowman head today, very round and rosy cheeks. It was hot and I'm feeling quite swollen. I also feel extra weight in my chin and jowls, quite attractive I must say!

Since I have some new ones, I will upload a few more pictures, so check out the new album, make sure and leave us a comment, and I will definitely update this with more tomorrow morning when I wake up, assuming I don't go to the hospital tonight. Like I said, I'm not too hopeful for that. We'll see what happens at the dr appt on Friday, but at this point I'm leaning toward not being induced on Monday. It is only 5 days late, and I will decide on Sunday or Friday, but I know I can wait it out a few more days. Again, not putting the pressure on myself, but I think that it will happen naturally if I give my body a chance. Today after all that walking, I can barely walk because the pressure is so heavy on my pubic bone.

It has been great having my mom here, I'm getting more done, and she has been such a help with Lily. I can't imagine how hard this week would have been without her, even though I know she would like to get to meet her 2nd granddaughter, she is also so helpful and supportive and really only cares about making me comfortable, and doing anything and everything she can to help with what I need (obviously, since she was out pulling weeds in 80 degrees today!) It also has been nice to just have someone around, rather than being alone all day. I do get very snappy at her, but if (12:55) she could survive my teenage years she can definitely survive my 40 week pregnant bitchiness. It is hard to explain, but it is like the slightest irritation turns to complete rage in about 3 seconds. She was whistling (and she can't whistle) to Lily today trying to get her attention while I was on the phone and Lily was running circles around my legs trying to get my attention. I barely noticed Lily because I am so used to it, but the sound of my mom attempting to whistle at my daughter (not my dog) OUTRAGED me and I went through the roof at her. Jeanine was at the other end of the phone call and said, "WOW, you ARE pregnant!"...Of course my mom and I laughed about it an hour later as I described how annoyance changed to anger so quickly. But I told her I still don't want her to whistle at Lily again, or anyone for that matter, she is a really shitty whistler. :)

Addie is kicking around so hard it is hard to tell the start of a contraction pain vs the pain and pressure she is putting on my belly. I wonder how big she is now. My guess is 7.5 lbs. That is a pound bigger than Lily, ouch, I don't want to think about that. My labor hasn't even started yet, and so many factors are different, I keep wondering what birth will be like this time. I pray that it is as easy and as ideal as it was with Lily (minus one small hiccup with a cathader several hours after she was born), but with a bigger baby and possibly faster birth, possible induction, (1:01)so many other things, it is hard to imagine that it will be.

It is now 1:03, my last two contractions were about 6 minutes apart, and they were 4 minutes when I started writing. So I'm going to go lay down and see what happens. I'll post it if we are headed to the hospital. And yes Carol of course we will call you, no matter the time. No news from us means no news...

*************************************

7:30pm, getting ready to go on a walk with my friend and doula Robin to talk about natural induction stuff. We went to the library today and had a great time. Pretty exhausting day as Lily didn't nap great, but there is nothing else to share.

I might have a glass of wine tonight, Robin said now that I am officially past due it's okay to have one, and it might kick start things. Cheers to hoping it does.
**************************************
11:37pm
Went on a long walk & Had the glass of wine. Didn't feel tipsy like I was hoping... :)

But I did have a great walk and talk with Robin. Since she is a doula we talked a lot about inducing and birthing and bodies, etc. I think that I'm leaning toward changing the induction date on Tuesday the 3rd or Thursday the 5th (I assume they won't want to do the 4th). Monday will be too stressful, and it is the only day that we don't have a grandparent staying with us. And 5am is so early, I would rather see if another day we could get a reasonable time.

My mom is coming down with a cold today. Not good. Of course she feels terrible, and nothing she can do about it. I gave her some Activate immune system booster, hand sanitizer, and have been spraying down everything she's touched. I hope the Activate helps. Because if she has a cold she won't be able to come to the hospital (IF I deliver before she leaves) and I really don't want her near Lily or I...it's the last thing we need right now. She can't help it though, so hopefully we will just make sure we don't get it. My brother came today to help with Lily and hang out for a few days, it has been great having all the extra playmates for Lily. He has to leave Friday morning for a physical for his new firefighting job.

My due date is over in 21 minutes. And I'm still pregnant. That feels weird. I really never imagined that would happen, but it time for me to go get some sleep. I'm going to bed. Talk to you tomorrow. Good night.


						So for the record. I did get induced on that Monday, even though I thought I wouldn't. And once I held my 6lb 2oz baby in my arms, I never regretted it for one second!

Hello, friend - It's been a while

2011-05-24T17:20:00.000-07:00

Today is a work from home day, the first in a few weeks, my audit is nearing a close, and I'm drowning a little less. There is no way to catch up on all the blogs I've missed writing since December, but that might not be the worst thing. For the first time in my life, I felt a real and severe depression, and it wasn't what I expected depression would feel like. It was going on for a few months before I even realized it was what was happening. I was prescribed some meds, but ended up not taking them, I did however start seeing a counselor to try to learn to work through some of life's stresses in a healthier way, understand Who I was living for, and ultimately how to find some peace for myself, before even, my family.

So maybe I'm kind of glad that I didn't blog every sad day of the last 6 months, but I know I missed recording a bunch of the happy stuff too. I've been alone, mostly. Just me and my family. I've exchanged some emails with friends, and a couple of quick conversations, but mostly I've been isolated, and work has been my "me" time. Being lonely makes a girl do a whole lot of thinking and praying. Friends say things to me like, "Oh, Jenny, I wish I'd known, I wish you'd called me", but the truth is, I don't and haven't even felt like talking about it. And that's part of why I stopped blogging. I didn't feel like writing about the way our (read my) life was going day in and day out.

I am so grateful to our moms, my brother, and to the few friends who I did stay in touch with over the past few months. For those that didn't put the pressure on me to be more or do more than I could. For those that sent me encouraging emails and gchats about how I could make it through. On Feb 1st I started exercising again. I started with the 30 day shred in 35 days, and then I've kept up with this unlikely group of 7 on a private blog, what started at a group of about 20, quickly dwindled, all from various walks of life, the 7 of us write in each day to say that we did or did not exercise, and set our weekly goals, talk about how much water we drank, you know, exciting stuff. Through all of this, exercise and daily endorphins (along with the daily encouragement of those 7 amazing inspiring ladies) have got me through. The last month, I haven't met the goals I've set for myself, but I have run two 5Ks and I am still working out about 4 times a week. It's good. I have to let good be enough. Lawrence is a super dad. I am so thankful to him for doing so much for the kids and the house when I've been absent or useless. I'm also to blessed to have our AuPair, Julia, who loves the kids so unconditionally, they miss me when I work long days, but I never ever have to worry about them, because they know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they are loved. So loved!

Lawrence coached Lily's T-ball team, and last night was the last game. We had a party after and he passed out trophies. I was so proud of my man, as I watched him get his photo with each beaming kid, and listened to their parents thank him profusely (the way I do for both of the girls' teachers). Sometimes it is important that I stop and look at him for who he is and thank my lucky stars that he wanted to marry me.

I'm so acutely aware of how much I appreciate the way my regular happy brain works. I won't take for granted my positive outlook and my ability to power through ever again. Because not having that sucks.

June 1st.

It was a date that was out there, waiting for me, like a life preserver, like if I can just get to June 1st, I'll be okay. But it was So.Far.Away. I had a (one of many) meltdown on Feb 15th, and thought that June 1st might never come. But now it is only a week away. The bulk of the audit at work is over, and the sun occasionally has been showing it's sweet face. I have a few days at the beach planned in a few weeks with my family. My baby is almost 1.5 and my girls are about to graduate from their first year at their new schools. They are all so big and so beautiful. It's a new season.

And I'm so ready for it.

Happy Easter!

2011-04-24T13:32:00.000-07:00

We had a wonderful morning at church, the kids were all dressed up and looked so cute. Julia joined me and Lawrence is cooking his yummy ham specialty. May each of you feel God's love and abundant gifts, as I do today.

Isaiah 55

Invitation to the Thirsty

¹ “Come, all you who are thirsty,
   come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
   come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
   without money and without cost.
² Why spend money on what is not bread,
   and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
   and you will delight in the richest of fare.
³ Give ear and come to me;
   listen, that you may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
   my faithful love promised to David.

Isaiah 53

⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

Got Milk?

2011-04-21T10:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a big day for the Herman family. For the first time ever, all members were able to share a pizza and ice cream together!

Addie had a food challenge at the allergist where she drank milk (which by the 3rd serving (1/2 a cc) she wouldn't drink and actually puked up the 3rd dosage, due to milk's grossness), so then ate yogurt in 30 minute intervals at increasing amounts for 6 hrs. I ran out for chocolate milk after the vomit, but by that time she was doing well with the yogurt so she stuck with that, she has had 2 cups of chocolate milk since.

She was so so excited, and we were excited for her. She was like a crazy woman last night, so so so happy. What an amazing blessing it is not to have this worry for her, especially as she goes to preschool and camps this summer. She is still allergic to peanuts, and we will go back next year to test for that, but next to this milk allergy, that feels so easy to deal with. Today they were baking in her preschool class, how nice it was not to bring something different for her or buy all the Addie safe ingredients for the whole class to use!

I think she places much of her identity in being allergic and having "special" foods, so we were careful to make sure she knew that she was VERY SPECIAL for getting to eat this and that for the first time. We'll continue with that.

She gobbled up her pizza like nobody's business, I wish I had that on video. Yay, Addie, we love you very much!

Today my friend said this to me...and it was awesome...

2011-04-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

"Jenny, I get how you are feeling. I mean, essentially what you are doing is trying to fit a square peg through a round hole each month. And you whittle the damn square peg down which takes a ton of time and work and you eventually get it through. But you're like, why can't it just be round?!"

One of the great joys in life is when a friend truly gets you! :)

16 months

2011-04-14T18:10:00.000-07:00

Wow. A month since I last posted.

I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. An itty bitty teeny tiny light. But a light nonetheless. On Tuesday, I felt like I wanted to blog for the first time in a very long time, that's a good thing, right?

So 16 months, as the header, that's Bryson's age today, if you didn't know.

I'm almost ready to say 1.5 years instead of just one. I can't believe it . He has like 6 teeth coming in and is a drooley snotty monster who eats all of our perfectly cared for board books. A monster who says "I love you" and gives real kisses now, but a monster nonetheless. His love for Mickey Mouse has gotten stronger, and Gma helped that out by bringing him a MM that is the same size as him. We put an Elmo diaper on Mickey yesterday and I think the kid almost exploded. We are in the stage of throw yourself on the floor tantrums. Unlike the big sisters before him, it doesn't infuriate me when he does it. I often have to turn away to hide my laughter. He's been taking great delight in eating yogurt, closing his eyes and really enjoying it as you shovel it in. FUNNY. His vocab has expanded exponentially in the last month, there isn't a word you can say that he doesn't repeat. Today the kids and Julia skyped with Bean-Bean and so Sabine got to hear him SAY Bean-Bean for the first time. How lovely! :) He said Uncle Matt to Uncle Matt the other day too. Skyping is NOT easy with the little guy who sees numerous buttons to push and is NOT okay with the fact that they are not there for his pounding, but Julia discovered that the high chair is the perfect place for him to skype! :) Little guy also got his first black eye this month, running with a cash register in his arms over a pile of pillows.

Addie had an allergy test on Tuesday, it was her annual one, a couple of months late, because that's the way things have been going around here. She's had a few exposures to milk in baked goods lately, accidentally of course. We sit with Benadryl and Epi-Pen in hand, with held breath, but no reaction. So we were hopeful, that we would get the results we did. Her milk allergy showed up negative!! After 3 years of it being considered severe anaphylaxis. She hadn't had any accidental milk exposure for 2 years (at which time she vomited profusely and was instantly covered in hives). So a cookie at school and some break with Grandma and Julie with no reaction left us hopeful. On Wednesday she goes in for a 6 hr food challenge where they rub some milk on her skin and give it to her to drink in small increasing increments, 20 minutes at a time, monitoring her vitals the whole time. We are encouraged to bring chocolate syrup because a kid who has never tried milk might consider it quite yucky! :)

Lily is playing Tball and really loves it. She is quite good too. You know, for Tball. Lawrence is coaching and the two of them have really enjoyed some special bonding and growing together. Her bangs are grown out now, and she got her ears pierced with her Grandma. She has taken VERY good care of them, and still cleans them twice a day. I was a little bit disappointed to miss the big event (they did it while I was at work) but I was thrilled that Julia got a video, and my cousin, Rose reminded me that while I didn't share that memory with her, she will have that special memory with her Grandma Carol and wouldn't I have loved to have that with my Grandmother. So true. Lily is growing up so fast and is becoming more and more of a beautiful and mature young lady. She is a DELIGHT to spend time with, and is such a big helper around the house. When she found out about Addie's allergy test she picked her up and carried her around the house. She was so excited that LILY might as well have been the one who might get the chance to taste Ice Cream for the first time. It was so sweet. Here is the video of her ears:

I went to a women's retreat with my church to Cannon Beach last weekend and it was amazing. I was reminded AGAIN, how much God loves me, no matter where I am at in my life, no matter what I am struggling with, no matter. I don't have to do anything to get this love, I don't deserve it, I don't have to work for it, it just is. It's hard to wrap my brain around that, and I can only imagine a sliver glimpse of it through the love from my mother and the love I have for my kids. I went for a run on the beach and it was just amazing. The waves, Haystack rock, the music in my headphones, God's love surrounding me, the majesty of the oceans. I wish I could start every single day that way. Except for my old aching knees. Seriously, my knees think they are 90. I have been working out since Feb 1. I started with a 30 day Shred, and have continued with other Jillian Michael's workout videos mostly, we are an accountability group of about 7. We started off as a group of about 20, but there are still 7 of us working out every day with scheduled days off, checking in with each other. It is an eclectic group of strong women in my life and I'm grateful for it. Lawrence and I ran a 5K with a college friend a few weeks ago when his mom was here visiting. It was really good, I ran the whole way finished in 33ish minutes, a 10:55 mile pace which surpassed my goal of not walking and finishing under 40 minutes! :) A great accomplishment.

Work has been unbearable, so my wonderful husband, my beautiful kids, a few friends, exercise, God, and faith that things will get easier one way or another has been getting me through each day.

I want to come here more. I want to feel like blogging. I want to feel like writing and documenting the feelings that I have. But that's not where I've been, that's not what I felt like. So for now, I will come here when I can, when I feel like it. Share what I want to, and not feel guilty for missing the past 5 months of stuff I've missed. I'm learning a lot about myself, how much I can handle, and letting myself off the hook when I need to. I really celebrated a good day on Tuesday. In fact, this week has been the week first in 75 days when I won't meet the workout goals that I set in front of myself for the week, that I "only" workout 3 days this week, instead of 5. As I took a long hard look at what motivates me, I realized that might mean I'm doing better, I've been clinging to exercise and the daily endorphins it brings like a life preserver. It is something I can control and improve when everything else seemed to be unmanageable. So does that mean not working out and eating 77 individually mini pastel wrapped Reeses Peanut Butter Cups is a good thing? SURE! That's what I'm going to tell myself anyway...

These feet

These Eyes

These Smiles

Make my world go 'round

15 months

2011-03-14T17:11:00.000-07:00

My baby boy Bryson is 15 months old today. Oh, my, how there are barely words to describe him.

His newest love is Mickey Mouse, he says "Mick Mow" and it is probably the cutest thing my ears have ever heard. I handed him a plate shaped like Mickey last night for dinner and he held it and stared at it with a beaming smile. We also went through a hand me down bag of clothes from a friend and found Mickey Mouse pj shirt. Wow. He couldn't have been more excited and has worn it for the last two nights. He got mad when I put his sleep sack on because he couldn't see his Mick Mow anymore.

Other loves, Elmo ("Emmo") & Donald Duck ("Duck Duck") & Thomas ("Mum-as").

He loves running up the stairs, slamming doors and gates, EATING, bonking his forehead on things, giving hugs, getting the broom out of the pantry and finding my full cups of coffee on the counters edge with the handle, reading books, eating books, his monk-monk, pushing buttons on toys that make noise, over and over, music, dancing, hugging soft things (so hard in fact sometimes he needs to lay his body on the couch, chair or floor to hug it enough), going outside, dada, ada, mama, lila, & DUlia (not in that order), pulling hair, brushing his teeth. He talks all the time, and points. I remember thinking that boys talk later than girls, but that is not the case. He can say a lot of words, and imitates many of the things that we say, but it's a family joke that his favorites (BY FAR) are "uh-oh", "mo" (more), "Buh-Bye", "wa-wa", "monk-monk" and "Dulia!". Actually every word he says has an exclamation point behind it. He knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go after it with all the weight of his body. He turns into a loose noodle to fall through your arms and through a tantrum on the floor (usually pretty short lived if you just walk away). But man, sometimes you shut the bathroom door or take away his tooth brush and he'll cry like he just lost his best friend. His big sad eyes and open mouth cry, always make me smile and scoop him up for a cuddle hug.

Jeez, it's been so long since I blogged, I could write a full and funny blog on each of those loves alone.

He is just now getting his 5th tooth, on the top, just to the left (as you look at him) of his too middles. He gnaws on everything like a beaver, so many of our perfectly kept board books from Lily and Addie have the bindings chewed to shreds by this book loving fool.

Favorite Foods: Bananas ("nana"), ground turkey meatballs, chicken chili, carrots, peas, raisins, blueberries, toast, cheerios, Hot Dogs ("ought dog!"), water ("wawa" - I think he thinks all drinks are wawa), graham crackers. Who am I kidding trying to make a list of favorites? This kid will eat almost anything you put in front of him. He seems a little oatmeal and yogurt-ed out, but I think that's just because he prefers to feed himself - and he ate A LOT of both of those in the months before and after his first bday. He likes to try and use a spoon and fork, but gets frustrated when he can't get the food into his mouth. Putting him in a high chair means the rest of the family goes into high gear getting things done, like emptying the dishwasher and opening the pantry, things that he does not allow for when on the loose.

I DO mean, on the loose, he is a maniac. Into everything, climbs everything, destroys everything. He's a lot like Lily was, so I guess I'm still not buying the boy vs girl thing, but I know that lots of people told us that baby Lily was a lot more boy than girl in her tendencies. The only difference was there was only one of her to contain. So for Bryson, we try very hard not to tell the girls the reason they can't play the games or beads or blocks or anything they want during his waking hours is because of their trouble making little brother. But, they sort of know. When we are doing a puzzle or playing a game, Addie will let out a sigh of dispair when he wakes up, knowing it is the end of her fun.

Little People is a family favorite because we can all play with them, make a city, ride buses, helicopters, car washes, but the girls still get mad because they like to set up their scenes just so and get their guys in line for a bus, but Bryson has other ideas for their people. We do our best to divide and conquer and rope off areas of the house for them to have some space from the littlest member of the house.

All in all, Lily still REALLY loves Bryson, Addie's still kind of on the fence about him. It's more of a love hate, she is still really rough with him and usually does pretty mean things to him. To be the adult in the house with just the two of them, is the hardest dynamic. All three is better than just the two. Addie just cannot stay off of him, and if you distract one of them they both want in on it. If you hold one of them the other comes and headbutts or pulls the other's hair. It's awesome. When they do get along (like they did in the bath last night. It is GREAT. I hope it's a sign of things to come. At this age, Lily loved Addie more than anything on this planet, so it's tough that 15 months later, Addie could still do without her brother. We keeps warning her that she better be nicer. He is only one pound less than her, and once he is a little more steady on his feet, he will CRUSH her! And we might let him:)

He's taking 2 naps a day some days, 1 nap other days. He drinks one bottle of whole milk before bed, warmed, even though he doesn't need it. I stopped nursing him at the end of January and I still like that before bed cuddle that he comes with a warm bottle of milk. He talks himself to bed, mostly pretty easily after that, with a sleep sack and a cuddle with his "monk-monk".

As for me, things haven't been easy, I just can't seem to get a grip on all the overwhelming responsibilities I have, all that I want to be and do, and do so in a good mental space. But I'm working hard on many fronts to be happy and present with my little guy. With all my little guys. These kissable cheeks sure makes it darn hard to stay down. His many faces, his many moods, his funny quirks. His infectious energy, and wonderful hugs (turned headbutts)....I could not love him more.

Muah. I love you buddy!

I can't believe he is 15 months old. Be still, my heart.

Julia's pictures of beauty

2011-02-09T13:01:00.001-08:00

Here are a few great shots that Julia has taken of the kids recently. Plus a few she took while skiing with Lily and Lawrence on Mount Hood, using her new photography skills from the class she is taking.
You guys, these are taken with a point and shoot!
Loving it.

FAQ MIA

2011-01-18T17:21:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm still here. Yes I do realize how long it has been since I've written a blog. Things are. Hard. Busy. Good.

It's been a matter of priority and survival lately. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but that's how I feel.

Christmas was awesome, my mom came, it was wonderful. New Year's Eve was fun too. We had a game night with our friends and then a family sleep over.

I have a million and ten pictures from the last month.

But I'm depleted, I'm empty, blah. I'm not freaking out over the impossible cart of responsibilities in front of me. Instead I just feel blah. Honestly, I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I've made the comment to a few friends that I actually kind of prefer the blahness that I've been feeling because it is SO much better than the frazzley stressed out anxiety feeling.

Work is hard. Home is hard. Kids are hard. Marriage is hard. All of it is good and worth it and bring blessings upon blessing. I wouldn't trade my life for anything, because I do love it. I know that sounds like a typical canned response, but it's not. However, it's hard not to get lost in the day to day duties, and if I am able to get up for some air, a quick refresh button. It lasts for such a short amount of time. My flame is extinguished so quickly. Every action seems to have a consequence and I go days at a time wondering if I did anything right. Wondering if I made a difference at all, or if I'm just existing to make it through the workload of another day.

And yet, life IS good.

Sometimes, you just aren't inspired to write about it or document it. Or when you are, you don't have the time or the energy to make it a priority.

I've been really trying to stay off the computer at home. This leads to no pictures and no blogs.

That's where I'm at.

The good news is I do have a few VERY organized friends who just posted on their fall and HALLOWEEN. Thank you friends, you make me feel like I'm ahead of the game. That there is hope that I can back in to this thing.

I don't know what I need to get out of my funk, but maybe you could write a comment, tell me a funny story, or maybe you could remind me of something I'm doing right. Because I left a picture of myself on my blog for a month. A hilarious picture where my glasses are bigger than my face. And I got four comments. LOTS of emails asking where my blog was, lots of mentions of missing blog posts. But it's hard to remember that anyone even reads, notices, or cares. Until I stop writing, then I get an overwhelming number of reminders of something else I'm falling short on. And that kind of sucks. Can you see why?

I've debated even posting this. Worried that I won't get back to this for another month, and worried that this will be the post left here. Worried that someone who emailed me about why I haven't blogged would be insulted or think that I was upset with them. To get four comments about a blog that was and 47 emails about a blog that wasn't - isn't very motivating. It wasn't anyone in particular who mentioned it. I know most of you emailed me out of worry for me, not worry for my blog, knowing that I've never gone so long with out blogging.

Sometimes when I feel blocked, blah, disconnected, like I'm unraveling, writing helps. So I'm giving that a try.

To ensure that it sticks, that funny story or encouraging word would be really great right about now.

I've kicked off the good juices with this picture of Bryson's hand...(thanks Christina Gilchrist for sending it to me!)

Wordless Wednesday - Christmas Card 1984

2010-12-22T17:00:00.001-08:00

Yeah, and you thought I was exaggerating about the glasses?

Um, no.

The Photo That Went In My Mom's Christmas Card
circa November 1984
Jenny 8 years, Matt 7 months

The Lily Craft Making Christmas Show

2010-12-21T05:39:00.000-08:00

I could seriously watch this video 100 times over. It makes me laugh SO hard.

Lily got a new camera for her birthday. It has a video mode. She is so taken with the video feature. I guess it reminds me of what I did laying around on my tummy propped by my elbows, with a tape recorder, pressing play and record at the same time and making commercials, talk shows, learning that if you clap in a circle around the recorder, then it sounds like audience applause. Singing and playing it back to myself. Putting it up next to the tv to get Saturday morning cartoon theme songs. JOY.

So kids these days can do it with VIDEO. I can't imagine what I would have done with this technology, but it definitely would probably be similar to what Lily does in her one hour of quiet time per day. She is in there crafting up gifts to clutter under the tree, comes down daily with a new handful wrapped and ready. When she was three, she did this too. She'd wrap up post it notes or old business cards for any and everyone to open. And you tried not to laugh when you opened yours. But now, at 6, she's getting better. Her gifts (although always 3D and impossible to store in a useful fashion) are well thought-out and orchestrated.

The night before Bryson's birthday party she asked me to charge the batteries and empty her card so that she would be all set to record him destroying his cake. WELL. Let me tell you, I was in for a treat. I laughed until I cried watching the videos that she had made on there.

As you will see she has adopted a theme much like a cooking show (which is one of her favorite things to watch on TV), where she shows you what she'll be using and talks to her camera like she has an audience of faithful viewers. Had to make that happen for her. So thanks Blogosphere.

Disclaimer: I got Lily's full permission to post these videos to my blog. However, she asked me to wait until after Christmas to do that, because she doesn't want the people who she is making the gifts FOR to see the video of her making said gifts. So Julia, please don't watch these videos, lest you spoil the Christmas surprise for yourself! :)

Hear that Julia, if you are reading STOP now. Come back on Dec 26!

I love how she fills in the dead air, and how she KNOWS exactly where she is with the camera, and how she says she is getting it "focused" (she is getting a little mini tripod for Christmas which she will LOVE).

There are so MANY things to love, I could add an add.

Okay, I was only going to post this first video, but she she refers to this second one so I HAD to include it. It's more of the same, but it makes me laugh so hard.

"Sorry it was quiet at the beginning, I was getting the video set up"

"Snippity Snip"

What is your favorite part?

Kicking off the week of Christmas

2010-12-20T05:26:00.000-08:00

I'm going to attempt to do a Christmas related blog all week. We'll see. Usually when I try to kick something off, I announce it to the world and then queue cricket noises for the next week. But I'm gonna try. Because there is a LOT of good stuff to blog about. Not the least of which is this coffee complete with it's candy-cane-mocha-french-vanilla-sweetie-grossie-creamer. YUM. Tastes so good with my 5 hrs of sleep!

It's hard to imagine that LAST year, we were still waiting for Bryson when I mailed out our cards. He was kind of in our card, in the cutest way ever, in my opinion.

MAN! I was so on the BALL last year. The week of Christmas was the most peaceful, non-busy week ever! Gifts and tree bought a month in advance, cards mailed, no work or worry of the 4 million dollars left in orders left to process in the week before year end. No thoughts of an impending audit. Just porn star bleeding nipples and up all night wake up calls with my sweet newborn. Ahhh, but that was last year, snap back out of dream world, Jenny. You are flat now. Heh. Well, almost. Hey, it's it weird how you get on to blog your family Christmas card and you end up talking about your boobs. Okay so maybe this candy-cane-mocha-french-vanilla-sweetie-grossie-creamer is getting to me. Or maybe it is the 5 hrs of sleep. Why did we go to bed so late every night this weekend? I mean, I don't remember accomplishing anything. Crap. Maybe I will be horrified later that I said boobs on my blog. I don't know. Probably not, I mean, they are just boobs. Barely. I guess we'll find out. I forever love to compare year to year and sometimes I'm funny, sometimes I'm weird. I'm guessing this blog will fall into the funny category, but you just never know. (eyeroll, who is the weird girl?)

Oh, and disclaimer. My card was created by Sara at Less Ordinary Designs. I found her on Etsy, she did my friend, Shawna's baby announcement for me. She was so awesome to work with and for $15, really, who can beat that, I used her again for our card this year. She did one million revisions for me and treated me like I was totally NOT annoying. Photos were taken by the photographer from Bend who took our pictures in Sunriver, Devin Miller. If you haven't used Etsy to create holiday cards I strongly recommend it. It is so cheap and easy, and you can get some really cool designs that are customizable pretty much any way you want!

Without further ado, I'm off to work, and the first of 4 super duper busy days before 6 days off! YAY!

Happy Holidays from The Herman Family and Julia! We wish you the best!

Sorry, but my 3 year old is FUNNY

2010-12-16T05:01:00.000-08:00

Addie wakes me up by crawling into bed with me WAY too early and spooning, facing me, and then starts talking about something random at full volume.

Addie: (sniff sniff right in my face) Mommy, did you toot?

Me: (Surprised, awake, annoyed, turning away) No, Addie that's probably my breath...

Addie: (after a few minutes of consideration) Why yo breat mell like toots?

And that, my friends, is the best way to wake up ever.

Wordless Wednesday - This Year

2010-12-15T07:03:00.000-08:00

Bryson this year...

One Year
Eleven Months
Ten & 1/2 Months
Ten Months

Nine & 1/2 Months
Nine Months

Eight Months
Seven & 1/2 Months
Seven Months
Six Months
Five Months
Four Months
Three Months
Two months
One Month
One week
One hourThe most precious moment - meeting you

One

2010-12-14T07:07:00.000-08:00

Photos by Christina Gilchrist - www.christinagilchrist.com

He's one. My youngest child is already a year old. How can it be? Insert all cliches about where the time is going, my baby is growing up, etc.

I adore this little man. How is it possible that you can have enough love in your heart for each of your children? I don't know. And to love each one more than the next? It's something I think about daily, because sometimes I honestly can't fathom how there is enough love to go around, but there just IS. And it's amazing.

I was standing in my living room this morning with my early waker on his big day, and looking at the Christmas decor and Hanukkah banner and Birthday cards cluttering up the mantle. And I just soaked in all that we have to celebrate this month. Who cares about the stress and the busyiness and the gift buying. We have SO much to celebrate! And so it will be for us every December and we should be nothing but filled with gratefulness.

Since I have been such a slacker about Bryson and his accomplishements over the past two months, I'll give a run down on all his newest tricks. He is full on walking now. He started taking steps around 10.5 months and by 11 months was stepping consistently. He's always barreling forward so he was falling a lot because he didn't take the time to get his feet under him. But now, he has his balance and he walks everywhere. Still full steam ahead. I call it the monster walk because he puts his hands above his head and is usually babbling or shreiking and waddling like a little monster! It is so precious. I know the days will be here soon enough when he had steadier footing, so I'm soaking in this wobble monster.

He has four teeth. Two tops, two botttoms.

We MADE IT!! As I nursed him this morning I thought, OH. MY. GOSH. I made it to a year. Now, disclaimer that we've been supplementing with formula since 2 months old and in the last month I've stopped pumping at work and only nurse when he wakes up and goes to bed. Add the recent cold he's had where he can't breath and such at the same time so he has to stop every 2 seconds to breath, and I'm pretty shocked that we got here. About 3 weeks ago I told Lawrence I thought I was done. He said, for the record, he would still "call it" a year. He knows me too well. I was happy with that, and have been actually really at peace with being done or not. I mean, given that at 5 weeks old this time I thought I couldn't do it any more when he had colic and RSV. Then at 6 weeks when I gave up dairy until 6 months (how in the heck did I do that! seems like another life time, honestly!) I just never, ever imagined I'd make it to a year this time, and even though I supplemented him with formula more than my other babies, this is my hardest accomplishment. So I'll be proud of that. I don't know why one year is so important to me. I know lots of moms who go longer or less or not at all, and I have NO judgment about them, but when it comes to myself, I think it gives me a sense of being my best for him, or being tied to him, needed by him. I'm not sure, but it was important to me, and I didn't think I would make it, and I did. So woo-hoo!

I'll report back later today with his stats from the dr:

October was by far Bryson's worst sleeping month since newborn. I don't know what was up but HE WAS. Then November has been like one night a week he wakes up for no reason. He is always up for 2-3 hrs. It's kind of brutal after 8 months of sleeping through without exception. But I won't complain. He still takes two naps, usually a long morning and a shorter afternoon. We enjoy it, but since he and Addie are on opposite nap schedules, we DEFINITELY look forward to one nap by both of them at the same time and the oppotunity to leave the house occassionally without worrying about somebody being cranky for missing a nap! Although I will admit, I love to volunteer to stay home while Bryson sleeps, and the rest of the family goes out to do something fun. These are my occassional peaceful moments.

The big question everyone asks: So is it a lot different having a boy than a girl? Those of you out there with 3 boys are just drooling with delight to hear stories of destruction and broken limbs. Waiting for us "all girlers" to cross over into boy land. Well I hate to disappoint, but so far, not much different. He doesn't even pee in my face. Maybe because he is so fat he has a hidden penis. Sorry buddy, (he asked me not to blog about that). He is a lot more adventurous but actually less so than Lily was at this age (she, I was told behaved more like a boy in her early years, as a no fear climber).

One of my friends writes a great blog thread called "my girls never did that". She has 3 girls and a boy as her youngest. And she photographs and notices the cutest thing her now 5 year old does, so different than her daughters. I love the idea, and most definitely can't wait to start notices the differences. I think most of the differences are because he's the 3rd, and not because he's a boy.

His big fat padded feet are so kissable. I still dread that one day these will become man feet. And that day is closer now that he is walking. IF I could stuff his feet in, he would be in a size 5 or 6 shoes, but so far he hasn't worn anything but Robeez, size 18-24 mth. This is also his size of clothing. I have a feeling shod-ding him is going to be an issue.

We had a birthday party for Bryson on Saturday, we just invited 2 families and Lawrence's parents were here. It was a house full, but just perfect. My friend (and photographer) Christina came over to capture the day, and it was AWESOME for me not to even pick up the camera. She sent me the sneak peak pictures above. (www.ChristinaGilchrist.com).

I made Bryson a giant cupcake, idea from my friend, Nancy, and it was perfect. I'm glad I have the mold, though I have a few ideas of what I would do better next time. Nancy said that would happen! :) Bryson loved playing in the frosting and eating the yellow cake. Since Addie had a milk allergy, and I didn't know about cake mixes with no milk, she didn't get the first birthday cake smashing. SO I THOROUGHLY ENJOYED THIS ONE. I just love it. I know it's a mess and it's hard to clean up, but seriously, I love it, something about a first birthday cake being devoured and making the ultimate mess just makes me happy. :)

The girls love their little brother. Lily is so good with him, she could be a little mommy. It reminds me of a certain someone I know and her sweet baby brother, Matt. Just wait Bryson, when you are getting ready to go to college and you have 3 mommies telling you what to do, and watching out for what is "best" for you, you are iiiinnnnn trouble! :) Anyway he and Lily have a special bond, and anytime I feel guilty about things Lily could be missing out on because she HAS TO STAY AT HOME ALL DAY FOR HER SIBLINGS TO NAP, um, I just have to look at all she has gained by getting to be his big sister, and any guilt or doubt about what is best for her just melts away. Addie still commits random acts of violence against Bryson but he is starting to hold his own. She is genuinely a lot more loving to him and even this morning said, "Happy Burstday, Bwyson, you are one today" when she saw him. Then she kissed his back. The three of them have moments of all playing well together and it is just awesome. Bryson looks for them, adores them, cries when it is time to say good bye before they go to school.

Bryson and our AuPair, Julia have a very special relationship as well. She is so at ease with him and he took to her right away. It has been nice for me, at this age when separation anxiety is sometimes at the max, for me to have someone else that he feels so comfortable with. I realize that isn't something I had with the girls and it has been a source of comfort for both me and for Bryson. He definitely loves her, and when she comes downstairs in the morning, he says good morning to her with the sweetest hug.

At one year Bryson has more words than either sister did at a year (hows THAT, for a BOY!?). He says, "nigh-nigh" (my favorite!), "ba" (ball), "ba" (bottle), "bu-bu" (bye-bye), "ma-ma", "da-da", "ad-da" (all done), "Mo" (more), "ha" (hi-said into his hand or any other object as a phone). We do more and all done in sign language, but he would prefer loud screaming and yanking off his bib to get his point across. So far he doesn't have much use for the sign language. :)

He knows where his belly is, he does "so big" and "touch-down" with his hands when you say it. He points at any and everything he can. He says "da" as to show you where and what he means. He claps when you start singing "If your happy and you know it", or if you say "Yay!" to anything. He LOVES to clap. He knows how to hug and kiss. He likes to pull hair and glasses. A LOT. His go to cute move is to put his head down on someone or something, your shoulder, the floor, a pillow, a stuffed animal. It ALWAYS gets the same genuine response from everyone in the room. "Aaahhhhhhhh".

Bryson has made our family complete. He has set us all in a tailspin of unbalance and craziness. The little guys outnumber the big guys. We've had to put our priorities in order in more ways than I can describe here. We changed our entire thinking about how "things are supposed to be" in order to make way and room for this son in our family. I am forever grateful for all those changes. I believe in God's grace more than I can ever describe because I go to bed each night with it cloaked over me. I thought I had a few things figured out before Bryson came along. In fact, before each of my children came along. And I was reminded of who isn't in charge. That would be me. Thank you, Bryson, for showing me that my ability to give love is multiplying, that I can do anything I set my mind to, in the name of love, and for making me giggle with delight each and every day.

My friend, Sarah, the infant chiropractor and LLL Leader in Florida who helped me get to where I needed to be to "fix" Bryson's colic (thus giving me the second half of my maternity leave back for which I will be forever grateful!), sent me this quote the day after he was born. I forgot about it and found it yesterday while looking for something. It's so very true. Bryson's laugh and smile touches me deep inside and I do feel grand because of him.

‎~If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite, something that makes one feel aware of God, one need not go far to find it. I think that I see something deeper, more infinite, more eternal than the ocean in the expression of the eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle. ~ Vincent van Gogh

If you wonder why you are tired...

2010-12-13T04:02:00.000-08:00

Lawrence's mom and dad left last night. His mom was here with us from New Jersey for 12 days. The kids were over the moon to have her here. His dad was also here for 6 days - we love Gpa too (he DOES get all the photo credits), but this is a post all for Gma. It was a great visit and a lot of help. When our parents are here, it is always validating for us that we have every right to be exhausted all the time caring for three kids. Yes, it is a lot of fun. Yes, we love it. Yes, we are 30+ years younger than they. But. YES, it is exhausting! :)

This time while Grandma was here, she... (in no particular order because that would take more time than what I have to organize the photos)

Fed many small children, particularly often an almost one year old boy...
Taught Kindergarten...

Held friends' babies...

Taught Lily to knit...
Made foam menorahs...
Bathed babies...and other assorted sizes...
Baked a $hit load of mondel brot...
Perfected Lily's knitting (see she's holding both needles now)...Got our annual photo taken at Hayden's ( 6 months late! I like the July ones better!)
I'm not sayin' Grandpa didn't pitch in too...he did...
But Grandma worked her little tail off...and seemed to enjoy every minute of it...

Activities Not Pictured Above: Helping in Addie's preschool class, Giving Julia a day off-childcare, Laundry & Dishes (x100,000 loads), Grocery shopping, Sewing several saved for her projects and rips and tears, Carefully cutting out tags, Cooked meatloaf and chicken and matzo ball soup and more dinners that I can't remember, Preparing and brewing coffee for me (and her) every morning, Washing bottles, Changing Diapers, Reading Books, Playing Educational Games, Reading with Lily, Organizing the Pantry, and Junk Drawers (MUCH my horrified dismay!), Cleaning the fridge, Stuffing and un-stuffing the garbage disposal, Making beds, Wait, did I mention laundry? Or Dishes? And Dishes? And Dishes?

I'll admit that any time long time company leaves, there is a small sigh of relief, whether it be your bestest friend in the entire world or your most loved family member, there is just something nice about having the house to yourselves again. Thinking only of yourself and not worrying about others.

But then. I look at that list of things above and remember. Shoot, I'm gonna have to do all those things now again! Except for the sewing. And the knitting. :)

All kidding aside, we really do appreciate all the help and the kids having that priceless time with their Grandparents, each visit allows them to create their own special memories as they come to know and love them more.

MCT - Take one

2010-12-10T18:50:00.000-08:00

Me and Lily - Oct 2010

A month ago you VOTED for me writing this blog, I started on November 7 and am finally posting now - backlog unload - SCORE one for me!

If you follow my facebook feed, you would know that a few weeks ago, Lily was cast in the Missoula Children's Theater's local production of Alice in Wonderland at her school. Since MCT was a real life changing organization for me as a kid and a young adult, I was both excited and nervous for her to audition. I didn't want to be a bossy stage mom, but at the same time, I REALLY wanted her to get a part, and I knew how the audition process would go. What if I got her all excited about this show that I so wanted her to be a part of and then she didn't get a part? What if she never got to experience the wonderfulness that is the MCT tour? I had butterflies the entire day at work and then held my breath the entire audition, as they lined up tallest to smallest, in true Jim Caron fashion and said their names with loud and clear voices, big and expressive bodies, all the while - and most importantly - following directions and paying attention. She was the second smallest.Lily is 3rd from the right

Before I get ahead of myself I should probably go back a little and talk a little about my own MCT experiences. This could probably be a whole series of blogs on it's own, and maybe over the years it will be. Memories flooded me the last few weeks. FLOODED me. My love and admiration for Jim, Michael, and Melanie - three important people in the organization - as well as for my little community growing up and the Wallowa Valley Arts Counsel for bringing tour actors to my little home county year after year.

I was seven years old, it was March and I was in the second grade. I had big glasses and short awkward choppy hair. I'd started to experience the rejection that comes with looking the way I did and dressing the way I did and ACTING the way I did from some of the kids at school. I was nearly a year younger than many of the kids in my class, in those early years it made a big difference in maturity- but I was more advanced than most academically, plus what with the big glasses (the next year I'd get tri-focals-to call them coke bottles would be an understatement), the lack of any sort of fashion or style, the non stop talking, and the pestering of those who pestered me...I was quite lonely. I had a few good friends, but I definitely knew at that young age that I was different from most of the kids at school. I was aware that there were birthday parties I wasn't invited to, I got left out of 4 square games, didn't get to jump rope with the "cool" girls, and the year before some of the kids had been in a play that I knew nothing about. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

The auditions for this year's play, were today. But my (very pregnant) mom had to work, deadline day at her newspaper was tomorrow and she couldn't come get me after school to take me to the audition in our neighboring town - 6 miles away. So after school I called her at work and pleaded one more time. She finally agreed (enter mom guilt) but it would take her 15 minutes to get to Joseph and back to Enterprise where the auditions were being held, so I'd be a half an hour late. That sounded okay to me. She came and got me, I was SO happy. I still remember pacing circles in the small road by out house as I waited for her car to appear. It was a chilly March or April in Wallowa County - but it wasn't freezing as it sometimes was that time of year. It's it funny the specifics you remember when things really matter to you.

When we got to the audition, I was more than a half an hour late, Val M, the local person in charge of setting the whole thing up, putting me in a line of kids who were already chosen for a part, so they took down my name and got in, I didn't really have to do anything to audition. I LOVED it. I was a Pleasure Isle Kid in Pinocchio. I can never thank my mom enough for getting me to that audition. Late even, so that I didn't even have to chance the rejection there.

Growing up in Wallowa County, there wasn't much as far as extra curricular activities other than sports, and I wasn't very good at those. So MCT showed me that I had talent and there was a place for a hard working, memorization expert, loud talking, kid like me. The louder the better? AWESOME. Big expressive bodies? Loud and clear voices? Following dir....well, two out of three weren't bad. And as it turns out, I COULD listen and sit still when my most important one week a year depended on it! At that young age, acting gave me value.

Me in my first "lead" as a brat in Johnny Appleseed, I'm the one sitting with glasses

Years later, I would be invited to go to an exclusive camp outside of Missoula, Montana on Flathead lake that I could audition for only after the recommendation by the tour actors only. 1-2 kids per town were referred, if any, and then there was a lengthy audition process. I will NEVER EVER forget the day that I got the phone call to let me know I got in. In fact, I'm friends on FaceBook now with the camp director and I emailed her the story recently. What I wouldn't do to get my hands on that audition tape. I sang "That's what friends are for", sitting on the floor of my bedroom with a tape deck. (Okay so I could copy and paste that email for another blog for sure!) I went to that camp for six years for two weeks every summer. Some of my dearest friends to this day I met at MCT camp.Me in MCT PAC show 'Growing Pains; Rockin' a Hard Place' circa summer 1990 (front & center)

Ultimately I ended up going to college at University of Montana in Missoula because the place held such amazing memories from my youth. And then Missoula was filled with college memories and friends, and many of my camp friends who I reconnected with there, became my college friends instead of my camp friends. And, well, I sort of forgot the deep impact that Missoula Children's Theater had. Or I hadn't stopped to think about it for a while.

Until this year when the flier camp home for volunteers needed at Lily's school in the fall with MCT on the list for the last week of October. Until Lily's audition. Until she was cast. Until I watched her run out on stage during dress rehearsal and I burst into tears at the sight of it. She was a little Lobster who teaches Alice a Lobster Quadrille. I was so excited and PROUD of her and so was she. She's center among the five on the first row, silly faces

During the week of auditions, the tour actors were selling copies of The Little Red Truck, and I bought one, not believing that I hadn't watched it yet after wanting to for so long. The next day I mentioned to Kaitlyn, our tour actor, that I cried as I watched it, thinking how lucky I am to have been directed by Jim Caron (founder of MCT) and Michael McGill. The other actor, stopped what he was doing and said, "You've been directed by Jim and Michael?!". It's a pretty big honor that's for sure, though it's hard to explain (to people who don't know them) that such a big theatrical mecca could really be located in unlikely Montana. Unless you've been to Missoula, then you probably get it.

We found our Little Red Truck in the parking lot upon leaving the audition and I had Lily get a picture next to it. If you aren't familiar with what MCT does, you MUST click here. But the jist of it is 2 tour actors come to a school on a Monday, cast a show in 2 hrs, and then start rehearsals on Monday night, and have 6 days to put on a full scale production with 60 or so kids. They do a 2 shows on Saturday, then pack up their Little Red Truck and head on to the next town and change more lives of more little kids.

Lily will never understand how and why MCT meant so much to me. She lives in a city filled with opportunities and arts (plus she seems to be pretty good at sports and her vision is 20/20!) But that doesn't matter, it matters to me that I got to see her take part in something so special to me. I wouldn't say I'm living vicariously, just seeing her have fun doing something that I loved so much, means more to me that I can describe. The flood of memories that came back to me that week over a month ago, they mean so very much to me, as do all of my valuable experience with Missoula and it's Children's Theatre. Thanks Jim, Michael, and Melanie. You changed little Jenny and gave big Jenny the gift of watching her daughter sing "Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?"

Lily has on the brown shoes and is 4th from the right...

Dress rehearsal

Performance one

Performance two

I'll close with this quote from Jim just says so much:

JIM CARON: To this day, I don't exactly understand how it works. But, I mean, Mom and Dad are cheering for them, and so are all the friends, and, you know, the kid that made fun of them on the playground last week, they're all cheering for them. And you can see the light bulbs going over their heads. And they relate this experience and the elements of this experience to other things in their lives.

Sister, don't come looking to me for all the answers...

2010-12-09T20:15:00.000-08:00

On the way to her 6 year check up last [edited to add TWO WEEKS AGO] Tuesday (side note: she is 45 lbs/45 inches, that puts her in to percentile 50 & 50. Here eyesight for both eyes is 20/20, yes she is a squared child.) Lily told me a funny story about a conversation she and Addie had the night before at bedtime.

We could hear them giggling up there for almost a half hour, they were both excited about an upcoming trip to Grandma Lanie's house. The talked about all the pillows and guys they would pack. I'd limited them both to only 2 guys, a blanket, and a pillow. Lily chose her penguin (no brainer) and after much consideration decided on her Uncle Matt doll. Addie took a LOOOOOOONG time to mull it over and decided on 2 bear - bears. This was a huge shocker to us all, since she needs her 2 bear-bears to do nearly everything. haha. Lily has skirted the system by sleeping on her Sammy the Pup stuffed animal as a pillow, thus that is her pillow. Since Lily isn't bringing a regular pillow, Addie wants to be aloud another guy. Instead she settled on a pillow that Bean-Bean's parents sent her for her birthday. So it's all set. Or you'd think. But actually AFTER this discussion, there was a long bout of giggling and talking. I love the sisterhood. I'll admit I have moments of hating it, the arguing, the whining, the comparing. But mostly, I LOVE it. Each time I think one of them is getting cheated out of their own room, I think how special it is to go to sleep with a friend each night...

Okay so back to the conversation:

Me: Lily, can you take your hands out of your mouth, we are about to go in to the doctors office and there are a lot of germs there, you are finally not sick, so let's keep it that way.

Lily: Mom, last night in bed I was coughing in bed. But it only lasted for a minute, so it must have been allergies.

(perfect logic since we spend much of the spring time figuring out if daddy is getting sick or if it's just allergies).

Lily continued: I was coughing really hard and Addie said, "Lily I hope you don't throw up. If you throw up, I promise you, I won't know what to do."

(Insert me laughing which caused Lily to laugh - so the next part was through escalating giggles).

But I said, "Addie, if I throw up, I don't expect you to know what to do, I would run to the bathroom and go to the toliet, I WOULD NOT ask you what I should do!!

Addie said, "Okay, that's a good idea, because I do NOT know what to do"

If you know Addie you can hear her cute squeaky voice, pronouncing in ALL seriousness and importance to Lily who is barely coughing, that if she barfs, do no look to her 3-year-old self for all the answers, because she'll tell you right upfront, she doesn't have them.

I laughed until I cried. My cutie. Cuties. Plural. Lily LOVES it when she makes me laugh. She can't get enough. She laughs when she says anything that makes anyone laugh and then she spends the next two days asking why so many times you'd think she was 2 years old again. "Why did you laugh when I said...." "Why did Addie say...." trailing off into a fit of hysterics as she lavishes at the memory of your and her laughter.

Sometimes it drives me crazy, and I'm like, "Okay, Lil, I don't know why so and so said this or that," or "Because it was FUNNY!" (Now that you've tried to get me to describe it 100x and three days later, not quite SO funny, but still...funny and now a little bit annoying.)

But other times I think of how good it makes you feel to make someone else laugh. That belly laugh that makes your cheeks beam when someone really gets you. Or thinks your story is funny. Or thinks YOU are funny, in a great way. That does feel good, and you do want to relive the moment. So I get that when you are six, you just want to remember how it feels and why you want to get your mom to keep recreating it.

Just so we are clear, though. If you do have to vomit, do not go to Addie, she simply does not know what to do in such a predicament.

Wordless Wednesday - Winter Wonderland

2010-12-08T09:04:00.000-08:00

Joseph, Oregon - Thanksgiving Weekend

I'm so excited about NEXT week's Wordless Wednesday that I almost forgot about today!

I know I'm really spreading out trip to Joseph out, but...it really is amazing there.

There was a Jingle through Joseph parade. If we didn't have to worry about driving home 8 hours in it, it would have been the most magical peaceful place on earth.

Hanakkah Prayer by Lily and Nicholaus

2010-12-07T08:01:00.000-08:00

On December 5th there were 3 little boots, waiting outside on our porch. German tradition says that on the morning of December 6th, Nicholaus will come, and fill the boots of good little boys and girls.
Every time I passed the window that night, I laughed at those three little boots waiting out in the cold. So darn cute.
Nicholaus (pronounced Nick-o-louse) came all the way from Germany for the Herman kids. He had to put a few things in a bag, because as it turns out, their boots are too little to fit a THING.

Bryson was so cute, he was totally in the action with his big sisters looking through his bag and boot.

Everyone looking through their boots.

This year, Hanukkah has been extra special. Well, last year it was extra, EXTRA special with the arrival of our son on the fourth night. But this year we get to celebrate that. And we've gotten to celebrate it with Grandma Carol. It's the first time we've celebrated Hanukkah with Lawrence's parents since we moved here from New Jersey in 2002. Today, we will get to celebrate with his dad too! We've decided to make a new family tradition of doing something special to celebrate the 4th night, and Bryson being born into our family during this special time of miracles.
I LOVE this blurry picture of the kids because it just shows their shear delight opening a Hanukkah craft from Grandma and Grandpa. (Bryson shows off a bath toy!)

The kids have been opening a gift a day before we "light" our (safe and electric) menorah and have really been enjoying the holiday. It's great to see Bryson getting right in there with the big girls to open and play with gifts. He's gotten some little people that all THREE of them have enjoyed a lot. Lily has even memorized most of the prayer in Hebrew. Addie can say some of it too, but she didn't want to for the video.

It's been awesome celebrating Hannukah and Nicholaus (a German tradition on December 6 where the kids each left a boot outside and Saint Nicholaus fills it up, ONLY because he knows we have a German in the house, AND because the other American kids didn't know to leave a boot outside!)

The messiest room

2010-12-02T11:03:00.000-08:00

Our bedroom is a mess.

I'm not talking just some laundry on the floor, I'm talking a years worth of papers and receipts and kids outgrown clothes, borrowed stuff to return to friends, and unfinished belly cast, scrap-booking paraphernalia, casting of clay foot prints, employee benefit questionnaires, birthday cards, birthday card thank you lists (which in a few weeks will be for ALL THREE OF THEIR BIRTHDAYS!), bills, and crinkled up Mother's and Father's day crafts made with paper plates and tissue paper. A MESS.

I wish I could say it's because I haven't had time lately, but it's not. It's because I haven't had time EVER. Is that my fault, COULD I be cleaning rather than writing a blog or making our family holiday cards and labels? I don't know, but that's where the guilt comes from, I guess. Probably. It's always the last place to get any attention. It's the only place that is off limits to everyone else in the house, so all papers and other assorted stuff that I don't want anyone to see goes on my bed, just in time for a play date or party guest to arrive.

Then when it's time to get in my bed, I stack said crap on my desk or dresser, but then I work from home two days a week, and what with having 2 of my 3 children suffering from separation anxiety 90% of the time they spot me, I work on that desk rather than in the playroom/office, like I used to. So those papers need to get moved, to the floor or the nightstand or the top of the t.v., teetering like a last turn in the game of Jenga.

Then some of the laundry gets cleaned, but only on occasion does it get put away. Let's face it, I NEED for it to be clean to clothe us, but I don't NEED for it to be properly in it's drawers. It gets put into laundry baskets which line the foot of the bed, until I, or someone else in the house needs to use those laundry baskets for, you know, LAUNDRY. Then it gets put on the bed, but when it's time for me to get into bed, there it is, waiting to be put on the floor or on the dresser. Unless of course the dresser is covered in the papers from my clearing the downstairs counter-tops and tables when I decided that the madness which was 2 kids bringing home 1-5 crafts per day from school alongside the 7 million papers and crafting they do at home were taking over my kitchen, and we were having a birthday party and those ended on my bed, too! That's when it is really bad, when there are papers MIXED with clean laundry and the Jenga game continues on the dresser too. Lots of Jenga games teetering around my room, so that in my exhaustion I can't fall asleep due to the anxiety of which pile will lose first.

Then there are the times when dirty laundry starts to get piled on to clean laundry in the basket. And you know something must have been clean in there once upon a time, because you see remnants of a folded rather than turned inside out buckeye shirt deep in the basket. When that happens, do you ever just wash the whole basket and start over? Yeah, me neither.

I'm exhausted just describing the process by which my room (and office, heh) has become the dumping grounds of the house...so before you asked me why I don't put the laundry and papers away rather than shuffling them from one room to another, I will tell you. I'm tired. DOG TIRED.

I just don't know how to keep up, especially in a room that is just for me, that doesn't affect anyone else in the house (except my husband who cares that the rest of the house is in order, but thinks his room doesn't matter). I simply can't.

And don't give me any of that BS about touching a piece of paper only once. Shit doesn't work for a full time working mom of 3 young kids. Those kids need stuff, you know, and they need it immediately. I can see it now, 'Just a minute honey, mommy got the mail and I can't give you a napkin until after I put away this notice from the school about family movie night, you know the rules....' Dude, if you live in a world where you have the luxury to handle each piece of paper the first time you touch it, great, more power to you. But. I. Do. Not.

This was brought to my attention in a shear panic on Tuesday when I got a call on my cell from my friend who also has three small children and an IMMACULATE home. Never a THING out of place.

"Hi, Jenny, this is your clutter-free friend I'm at your house right now to pick up my Discovery Toys I ordered, where are they?"

WHERE ARE THEY? Nightmare! They were in my room, of course but WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT GO IN THERE!!!! Julia did, and it was fine. She's seen it before as our room is at the top of the stairs and sometimes I don't get the door shut quickly enough when I slip in or out of the crack opened just wide enough for my body to shimmy through. No offense, clutter-free friend, I admire all you do, but your cleanliness and organization make me feel a little inadequate at times. And you certainly will never EVER be allowed in my room. Amen.

I need some practical advice.

Or commiseration.

Tell me about something in your house you are ashamed of the way it gets after long periods of necessary abandon. What's your "messiest room?" When was the last time you were given the gift of knowing exactly what you needed to do to make your friend feel better?! Do it. It feels freeing to admit it to the world wide web.

Wordless Wednesday - A kodak moment

2010-12-01T05:09:00.000-08:00

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.

-Ed Asner

The lap

2010-11-30T05:09:00.000-08:00

Bryson wants a ball.

But he didn't say that.

He said...

Get me the heck off of here mom.

Lily asked for a "Once Upon A Time" book.
Would have been nice to know that when I was putting in my Discovery Toys order 2 weeks ago.
Scramble, scramble.

Addie froze.

She couldn't remember what she wanted.

He ask her if she wanted a coloring book and she said YES.

Then she remembered.

A puzzle.

And a car.

With a track.
A "Gelb" one.

Lily said she would wait and tell the next Santa more stuff.

It was a winter wonderland in Joseph and we sure were happy to see Santa.

I hope he drops off Bryson's other glove when he stops by our house. It was only 5 days old.

Addie's Prayer Last Night

2010-11-29T09:41:00.000-08:00

"Pwease help me to not hit Bwyson tommowoe. If I do hit my brudder den it's dist an oopsie and you will foegive me, okay God? Okay!"

Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T10:04:00.003-08:00

It's thanksgiving.

I'm enjoying the first moment of relaxing in as long as I can remember. THANKFUL.

I know that sounds a little dramatic, but it's true.

Bryson is napping, Lawrence is at the store with Addie. Lily is enjoying sibling free time printing pictures with her grandma. Julia is showering. And there is absolutely nothing that needs my attention right now. Except my coffee.

Aaaaaaaaahhhhh. Exhale.

A fleeting moment but I will enjoy it just the same.

I attempted a wordless wednesday all day yesterday. It was a winter wonderland on the drive accross the state. I think it didn't go. But maybe it did. I'm not sure. The internet is faster on my phone than on my mom's computer.

Ironically cell service is sparce but texting works.

If you are reading this it means that I updated the blog via text message. If not my thumbs are sore for nothing.

I'm enjoying big mountains and dial up internet and no cell service.

It's cold and beautiful. I forgot how cold 8 degrees is and the mountains never get old.

Yummy food and good friends coming up next. I don't have to cook.

I need to show you a picture, but that just isn't possible, I guess. Or maybe it is, you tell me.

My kids love it here and so do I.

The fallout

2010-11-23T15:53:00.000-08:00

So last week was every bit as hard and grueling as I thought it might be. The week before, while I worked long hours, was better. And I was hopeful last week would follow in the previous weeks footsteps, but it didn't, not at all.

I've hesitated to write a blog. Because I haven't had time to, number one. But also because I'm always so scared of getting judged. There are lots of days I just downright hate that I am a working mom. But I'm also really committed to staying firm in an attitude of not being discontent in my life. To feel blessed by our life, rather than dwell on the things that I wish were different. And USUALLY I can do that. Well. And I mean it, I'm not faking my way along pretending to be happy in a life where I am not. I am happy. I do make the best. But sometimes things just sucker punch you. And for some reason, blogging honestly hasn't been coming to me easily. I'm not seeing the humor in it, I don't have the energy to be witty. At least not for long enough to get it written down.

So last week just sucked. The kids had many bad days where I only saw them for 30 minutes in the morning. Except in the case of Addie or Bryson, where they were up in the night or at the crack of dawn. In my guilt ridden mind, all I could think was that they were trying to find some time with me, time when I was home. So I struggled through the days where I had to be mentally at my best on 2-6 hrs or sleep and on the verge of tears.

Since the first day I went back to work when Lily was a baby, I have always felt like I wasn't enough. Before that, I always excelled at my job. I always felt pretty good about how hard I had worked and how much I had accomplished. I also knew that I was a darn good wife. However, once I became a mom, I just wasn't as good. For the most part, I'm okay with that. I'm happy to be good enough at my profession that my mediocrity is still on par with some people's excellence, and generally, no one seems to notice.

Except, now, my company got this huge investment that requires an annual financial statement audit for the first time in 20 years. The threat of an audit has been dangling for years, for one reason or another, and I've done my best to be prepared for it. And as far as a first time audit goes, I couldn't have asked for a better circumstance. (I won't bore you about the details of an interim opening balance sheet audit prior to the income statement audit after year end, on prior year only, and the generous deadlines they've given on that, but these are good things). Still, it's hard. We've basically hired a Top Company to go through all the detail of all the work, I (or my team has done) since I've started, and find any and all mistakes, or problems with processes, or answer questions about why things have been done such-and-such a way since the beginning of time. Frankly, it's exhausting. Depleting. For 12-16 hrs a driving-home-in-the-dark-eating-dinner-by-myself day. It points out all the weaknesses. That's what it's supposed to do, but it's hard to hear it since many of the "problems" are due to resource or system constraints, so the "how to" fix them isn't easy or straightforward.

At home, each night there would be a report (that I asked for) of who did what all day from Julia. And it was hard not to wonder and worry about why Addie started having accidents or why Lily all of sudden hit Julia for the first time. Bryson also wasn't nursing well in the morning due to teething, a stuffy nose, and his sister waking up to come see what's going on promptly at the moment of nursing, and I wasn't home for his night nursing. So there's that. Lawrence was super great about making sure he was off right on time each day and we did a lot of meal planning so making dinner and caring for all three kids, bathing them, and putting them to bed was *slightly* easier for him. There are lots of weeks where he has to do this one night a week. We decide that if I'm going to miss bedtime, I might as well stay really late and get it all done. But for 2 full weeks, this was ridiculous. And so by the time I finally got home, we'd both worked 2 full time jobs, and we just beat.

By Tuesday night, I honestly COULD.NOT.BELIEVE it was only Tuesday. Oh, and that's the day that Matt finally got on the plane headed to Iraq from Mississippi. He called and we had one last good bye around 7pm. Then he called the house to talk to Lawrence and the girls. And I got to Skype with him briefly, test out his new laptop, and see his new glasses. :) I shut my door after and had a brief cry. It wasn't nearly long enough.

By Friday I was too tired to even be excited that it was Friday. Our audit team was good, but by Friday, I was ready for them to leave, as they were already 2 days longer than scheduled. I just couldn't wait to get home and be with the kids.

Except when I got there, I was too depleted to even be how I wanted to be with them. And I was super mad at myself over that. I can ALWAYS dig deeper, find more to give. And I just couldn't, there was nothing left.

Bryson was so needy and clinging that even when we were at the grocery store at 5am on Saturday (thank you daylight savings time STILL!) he would cry when I would step to the side of the cart to grab a box of cereal off the shelf. I REALLY could not be ONE step away from him. He is going through separation anxiety to the max anyway. But this weekend he cried when I walked INTO the room, fearing (as I perceived) that I would leave it again shortly. Even when sitting on the floor with him, I reach over to the toy box and he'd cry. So I felt myself upset and annoyed as I snuck off to the bathroom, listening to him screech if he caught me. He had a terrible time going down for night and naps. After several weeks of an easy system we had going. All of this swirled inside of me, guilt, exhaustion, depletion. I don't want a moment to myself because I feel selfish for being away from them, even at a time where I didn't chose that.

This pretty much lasted all weekend for me. SO annoying. We went to a restaurant to watch my college football rivalry game, something we do every year, and had planned for months. It was so fun, it felt like everyone who went to either Montana school who lived in Portland was there. Except I just could not relax. I was wound so tight. We took Lily and Addie and Julia stayed with Bryson while he napped. I was worried about them spilling milk and bothering others, and arguing with each other over Littlest Pets. Lily was giving me a bit of an attitude, but nothing that normally would have bothered me. I was upset because even on Saturday, I had nothing more to give. I can't remember that happening to me before, not like that. I just wanted to cry. Then the Griz lost. Stupid Griz! :) On Sunday, my only saving Grace was that there were only two working days this week. But still, even after Lawrence let me sleep in a little, I felt annoyed and guilty, overwhelmed and rushed as we went out to take a family pic for our Holiday Cards and it was so bitter cold that I'm not even sure if it turned out or not. Poor kids!!!

To top off my fail of a week/weekend family wise, I totally forgot to call our niece and nephew to wish them a happy birthday on Sunday. I know (hope and pray) that they know how much we love them, and that our (my...cause let's face it, that's my job) forgetfulness is no indication of how much we love them. 2010 has seriously not been my year for remembering to send cards or call on birthdays. I hope 2011 will be better. It almost CERTAINLY could not be worse. Love you Ty and Cass!! Can't believe you are already FIVE years old.

So in the spirit of trying to not be a complete negative Nelly:
Here Are Some Grateful Things...

I've never appreciated more that I am permitted to work from home 2 days a week. Even thought the kids are with Julia during that time, I don't have a commute, and I'm just THERE with them, although in another room. Five days a week in the office is exponentially more exhausting and I'm not sure I'd ever full acknowledged this. Some times you ask me, how do I do it all? Well, working from home is a large part of my 'how'.
In the end, the auditors felt pretty good about how we (I) have been doing things. There are some adjustments, but nothing that I don't agree with, and nothing that they wouldn't expect in the first year. This is a great relief to me because when they come in every two minutes every day, I'm just not sure what means what. It's nice to find that, in the end, they were mostly just trying to get an understanding, rather than passing a judgment. It's not clear during.
The auditors told my boss that I am responsible for a lot of areas and made a recommendation to him that we get additional staff to help me. Whether we do or don't doesn't matter to me as much as the acknowledgment that an outsider noticed this and told my boss. It also makes me feel better about small things that slip through the cracks, I'm only one person. Also, in my own head I always know that I could do more, or do it better, and I guess it was just nice to see that they think, I do a lot, enough, too much. I got some validation there.
I have this job. Tomorrow I get to go to Addie's Thanksgiving Feast and Lily's 6 year pediatrician visit and then take Wednesday off to prepare for the holiday. This job, and all the stress it has caused me, ultimately has saved us. When Lawrence was laid off last year, we struggled with unemployment, my maternity leave, and he is now in the process of starting over at a new company. We are so blessed that I continued to have a stable and flexible job with good health insurance through that. We have everything that we need, and more.
That we have Julia. Another great AuPair who LOVES our kids. I sent her an email a few weeks ago, letting her know that when I see her talk to my kids, even when she disciplines them, that it is so obvious that she loves them. You can hear it in her voice and see it in the way she looks at them. We have been through several different child care options in the last 6 years and we KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that this is the best one for us right now. It truly feels like I leave the kids with a family member, someone who is in my home, helping it run smoothly. It is impossible not to want the daily moments back with my kids. To wish that THAT was my stress and my hard days, but since it isn't, I'm just really grateful for all she does to make this family work. Including cleaning up poop and working through proper consistent discipline with a lovely and very strong willed six year old. When I'm working from home and I hear her laughing with the kids or speaking to them. I find myself smiling because of the excellent care she is taking.
I remembered this week that even though all of the critique, I'm a really good accountant, and as nerdy as that sounds, it was good talking shop with people who knew more about it than I do. I (over)used my brain in a way that I hadn't in a while. And it felt kind of good.
I have a husband who is my teammate. We both do what needs to be done when it needs to be done, without question. I hate weeks when we are "just teammates" and it feels like there is little interaction between us. He also had a sore throat this week and didn't really feel like talking after I got home. But I know too many wives who would give anything for a good teammate husband like mine. And I'm also glad that when we are just teammates, it is a fraction of what we normally are together, and for that I'm grateful too.

It's Thanksgiving. And I'm thankful. Thankful for all of you out there in my life, those who read my blog, those who don't. I'm thankful for my healthy family and our good life. I'm thankful for who I am, and for who I am becoming. Thankful for a God who will not love me less and could not love me more. Thankful for our parents and our siblings, their health, that we love them and they love us, even when we don't do it just right.

Wordless Wednesday - Addie Addie Pumpkin Pie

2010-11-17T17:23:00.000-08:00

Frugal Pretend Play

2010-11-14T15:55:00.000-08:00

Lily had last Wed-Fri off of school for conferences, veteran's day, and teacher work day. I had to work a lot more than usual, and was really impressed with how great the kids did. They behaved well for Julia and were really sweet to me, not whiny, just appreciated the time we had together and not much guilt inducing complaints. The girls have been playing REALLY well together. The way they used to, when they acted like best friends instead of sisters. I has been so much fun to not break up fights, and let them play a little longer before dinner, nap, bedtime because they are just getting along so well, laughing and agreeing, listening to each other in their pretend play.

Yesterday evening the girls were again playing together beautifully. We (Lawrence and I) were headed out for dinner with friends after bed time but we didn't waste a moment before that, playing up until the time we were to leave. We made a boat out of a box and it was really fun. Lawrence snuffed my ideas of how to make a sail and in the end I WAS RIGHT. Heh. After the boat was finally crafted, all three kids sat in the boat for a long time, and then Lily and Addie sailed alone. Lily was the mommy and Addie was the daughter. I was the grandma and I was babysitting Bryson while they were off on their adventure. When it was time to get PJs on, I told them to go upstairs, pick out jammies, and bring them down. They pretended that they had forgotten to pack them on their voyage and they had to stop at a store. As they ran upstairs to the "store" I ask them if they could "buy" some for Bryson too, and "don't forget a pull up for Addie and a sleep diaper for Bryson".

They had great fun shopping for pajamas in their drawers.

When they came down, Lily handed me a pair of Bryson's PJs and said, "I got these Christmas ones at the store for a dollar".

"Oh Thanks, the dollar store?" I asked

"No, a regular store, the were just a good deal."

"Cool, thanks", I laughed

"Addie wanted to get a Firetruck shirt and Firetruck bottoms, but those were ten dollars and there is no way I was going to spend TEN dollars on clothing! "

"Especially for someone else's kid."

HA! I wasn't sure whether to feel proud about that pretend frugal/greedy mommy or hide under a pillow!

Make a Wish

2010-11-11T05:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a good birthday. Another Year Older. The bookends of time I had with my husband and my kids surrounding the insanely busy day at the office, were really nice. I got like 150 facebook birthday wishes. Jeez, it's like all people need is a reminder - complete with my picture, and a free & instant way to tell me happy birthday, then they are all about it. I felt loved. And some people said some really sweet stuff.

In the morning I got a nice Columbia sweater and jacket from Lawrence and the kids. There was no mention of cleaning devices as a gift. Lawrence and Julia gave me cards that had beautiful words that brought tears to my eyes. My children painted picture frames with Julia and she included a picture of me with each of them inside the frame with their name on it, it was an awesome gift. Julia gave me a book called "Mommy Grace - Erasing your Mommy Guilt". Given my last blog post, and after reading a few reviews on it, I just can't wait to devour it and learn a little something. Sabine called in the morning from Germany, it was a sweet pleasant surprise, and again, I felt myself holding back the tears. I got some other nice cards in the mail from my friend Robin, Sabine, my mom, and my in-laws. MY MOM got me a card and gift ON TIME. Unheard of for her, therefore so appreciated. I know it's hard. My friend Carrie put THIS link on my FaceBook wall, and I watched it again and again and again, laughing hysterically! She also sent me an ecard that said, "Sorry you didn't get the card that I can't remember if I sent". That made me laugh because I have felt that way more times than I care to admit.

Worked wasn't easy, full of frustration, but I had a great lunch and talk with my good friend Lynnette at the office who shares my birthday. Neither of us had time to leave for lunch, but at 2pm we just decided to go because we deserved it and wanted to give ourselves that lunch date. I also got to skype with my brother for a few minutes. He is at Camp Shelby in Mississippi waiting to deploy next week and it was SO good to see him and talk to him. It made a really wonderful break in the day. I miss him. I left the office at 5pm and didn't get out of downtown until 5:40, traffic was so bad. I wanted to cry because I left in time to get home by then.

But then I got home. And my birthday was awesome again. Bryson crawled toward me quickly saying a version of "mama" and smiled big at daddy and Julia while he rested his head against my shoulder after I'd picked him. I LOVE when he rests his head on my shoulder and hugs me. And then he pulled my hair, just because he loves to do that too. Lily made her and I matching necklaces, out of what appeared to be shoelaces, beads, and a key-chain ring - complete with a J bead for me and L bead for her. Can't wait to wear it. :) The kids and Julia had made me a yummy German Lemon Cake and Lawrence had left work early to shop for and make my favorite dinner of steak and mashed potatoes. After NOT getting my candles blown out on the first (or second) try, I had a little help from Lily. We ate our dessert and got into jammies. I nursed Bryson and put him to bed, then read to the girls and put them to bed. I thanked God for my wonderful family. Everyone went down perfectly. I called my mom because I knew she was probably waiting to call me, not sure when bedtime would be over, and not wanting to interrupt.

I collapsed in sweats and cuddled with Lawrence. It was a perfect birthday, minus the stressful work day - but even that was made better by Matt & Lynnette. I felt kind of emotional as I soaked it all in. I was glad to soak it all in. We'll go to dinner this weekend with a few friends to celebrate, it's been a few months since we had a date night so I'm looking forward to that. But we'll go after everyone is in bed so I can maximize my time with the kids. No working from home this week or next. boo, that makes things harder! Bryson is still getting up at the crack of dawn, but it is 5am rather than 4am, so we have progress. Update re: bad mom. I'm not one, I know, and she hasn't said it again, even though she would be entitled. I do miss them right now, but they are happy and loved and they are okay. And they are insanely excited to see me each evening, if only for a few minutes before bedtime. And that feels bittersweet.

Yesterday morning, Lily asked me what I would wish for. I don't remember the generic answer that I gave her, something like, I already have it all right here in front of me.

Then I really thought about what I would "wish" for on my birthday. For some reason it took on a deeper meaning than usual as I mulled it over much of the day. What do I wish for? Like in my life? So I jotted a few things down about what I really "want".

1. I want my children to feel loved, really really loved, like I do from my mom.
2. I want to stay married to Lawrence for my whole life and to model a realistic loving relationship that I would proud for our kids to seek in their own spouses.
3. I want to make a difference in a lot of people's lives. I want to be thought of as someone who truly cares, not just someone who goes through the motions of caring, or someone who doesn't care at all.
4. I want my friends to feel like I understand them, and I want them to feel validated by that. I want them to understand me, and love me as I am.
5. I want Matt to come home safely in a year. I want to remember to send him a lot of packages so he feels loved and thought of.
6. I want to love in a way that makes people see and feel God's love. I've seen that, felt that, in a few people, and I want people to see that in me. I want to be so full of love that His love overflows on to those around me. For those who don't feel close to Him to believe that He isn't about judgment or rules or hypocrisy, just about Love and Grace.
7. I want to be debt free.
8. I want my friends who are are grieving and in extreme turmoil to feel peace. To have some rest.
9. I want to remember to always to look at my blessings and my strengths, rather than be discontent in my circumstance and wallow in my weaknesses.
and
10. I want to be up to date on blogging, scrapbooking, and photo organizing. I want our life and their childhood to be fully and wonderfully documented.

When I look over this list I see 2 things, besides the fact that it sounds a little sappy. One, a lot of the stuff on here talks about love, that means I'm definitely on to something. Two, #10 is probably the most difficult to accomplish, maybe even harder than paying off the house! :)

Busy

2010-11-08T05:01:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, you all voted...and I have not delivered. I started the MCT blog, yesterday, while I should have been napping, but I only get 15 minutes at a time to write, and it's all over the place, way too long to put it all on on one blog.

As I was doing Lily's hair for her soccer game and her play last Saturday, Addie came and knocked the baggie of pony tails out of my hands, looking for attention. I was pressed for time, and I needed Lily's hair to withstand a rainy soccer game and then keep her hair out of her face for a dress rehearsal and 2 performances complete with lobster hat. But I didn't get upset. I said,

Me: "Addie, do you want me to do your hair first?"

A: "No"

Me: "Okay well I need you to not touch that while I do Lily's hair"

A: "You are a bad mom!"

Me: "I know"

Lily: "ADDIE! No you aren't, mama!"

Me: "Addie, it's okay to say that if that is what you are thinking, why do you think am I a bad mom?" (I'm working on validating her feelings - and I pretty much knew she had the right to feel that way in that moment)

Addie: You are a bad mom because you are SO busy.

Out of the mouths of babes.

Oh kid, if you only knew. Things are about to get so much worse.

So if you don't see me on here for a while it's because I'm preparing for my company to get audited for the first time in 20 years, chasing after my new toddler who is not only taking steps but also waking at 4am in celebration of "falling back", attempting to be home before bedtime on my 34th birthday so my kids and my husband remember I'm part of the family...racing there on public transit to get a few minutes with my kids after full days of audit staff sitting at my desk, learning to provide what they need from the new accounting software -once again- as it was "updated" over the weekend, there will be dashes of waterworks caused by my ridiculously over-tiredness starting the day and the fact that my little bro will finally get shipped out for real now, from his training place in MS to "the yucky place" overseas. As far as nursing, I've decided to stop pumping and only nurse Bryson in the morning and before bed, that is, when I make it home in time for bedtime. I think I can, I think I can make it five more weeks until his first birthday. So, I'm not going to say that the next few weeks will be much fun for me, but I'll get through it and I'm not really complaining. It would be nice if none of you out there email me to tell me that you miss me, talk to me about making a commitment for something, ask me to get together, request a favor, or remind me that I haven't updated my blog. I KNOW! I'm going to do the best I can, and that leaves little time for anything other than work and my family. I don't love you any less, just have to prioritize. Again. Always.

And if my kids don't say it to my face, no worries, I realize that at least for the next couple of weeks, I might deserve to be called a bad mom, because I am, in fact, too busy.

Wordless Wednesday - Through Lily's Camera's Eyes

2010-11-03T22:11:00.000-07:00

This is what you get when you put a brand new six year old in her quiet time alone for an hour with her brand new camera from her Grandma.

You can see the future facebook profile pics now

Everyone knows the best ones are self portraits, right?

You should SEE the videos!

Getting started to get started

2010-11-02T14:30:00.001-07:00

I have SO many things to blog about that I'm blogging about nothing! And each day something new comes that I want to blog about and I don't.

There are just so many things...

First we had Lily's birthday party
Next a post with some pictures as Lily sees the world through her new camera
Some other general things to be grateful for
Bryson's 10 month post - he has a tooth and is taking steps
PLUS our family went to the pumpkin patch and the kids have gone with Julia 2x with some amazing pictures to show for it.
Then Lily got cast in her school's MCT play
THEN MY MIND WENT RACING regarding my love affair with MCT and all the ways it shaped my life's path
Then Pumpkin Carving
DOn't forget the post on why Addie thinks I'm a bad mom :)
Then Lily's last soccer game
Plus Addie to Disney on Ice (since there are no pictures that probably won't be a full post)
Next the MCT performance
AND HALLOWEEN.

And just today, Lily's school conferences and me doing something right. Us, I mean, us, Lawrence is obviously doing it too. I'm just selfish and like to take all credit for myself.

Okay, now that it's out there, perhaps I can tackle something.

October was just too awesome I guess. Parts of it felt awesome but at the time it felt almost too busy to enjoy it, but I know I did, I just don't remember enjoying it all. That's okay, I guess, but it would probably be better next time if I remembered enjoying it, you know, because that part would be nice.

Any votes for what I write about first? Or should I just continue rambling about not knowing where to start? Wordless Wednesday tomorrow...that's an easy one!

Wordless Wednesday - LOVE

2010-10-27T06:44:00.000-07:00

Heebie Jeebies

2010-10-25T17:04:00.000-07:00

Heebie Jeebies: A feeling of minor fright, anxiety, nervousness, apprehension, 'the willies'.

I'm seriously a scardy-cat. I big one. I wish I wasn't. But I am. For example, I'd like to blame my fear of the dark on our house fire in 1994, but I was afraid way before that. I have lots of valid and invalid fears. Many of which I'm sure I will spend years to come exploring on this here blog. But on a lighter note, and I think we all can agree that my blog could use a little bit of a lighter note post, I want to write about the little fears in life. The Heebie Jeebies, if you will. My friend Carrie wrote a blog about this the other day that I just thought was great. Click the definition of HJ's above to read her post. I want to know what skeeves my peeps.

In no particular order and CERTAINLY not an all inclusive list, here are the things that give me the willies, or that I am just downright terrified of...

-The dark, more specifically walking past a mirror in the dark

-Smell of tomato sauce / dish soap in the sink - if there is a pan full of water and a rag involved, I will vomit

-A needle going in

-Too short fingernail

-Paranormal commercials

-Walking through a spider web

-Stairwells in parking garages

-Crawling under a front porch or any too small opening to get under the house. BEING UNDER THE HOUSE!

-Turning over a log/rock/anything that can will reveal creepy crawlies

-Finding mold on bread or cheese, well after I have it out of the package and am getting ready to use it for something

-LOOGIES, and the sound of them getting hocked. shivers.

-Earwigs, more picturing an earwig crawling into an ear, more picturing an earwig crawling into MY ear

-Ferrel Cats

So what about you? As we celebrate "Halloween Week" heh, where everyone thinks being scared and grossed out is fun (obviously NOT my most favorite holiday). Tell me. What makes you shudder?

What I said...

2010-10-24T20:37:00.000-07:00

As you know I lost my friend Julie on October 10th.

Today I spoke at Julie's memorial service and here is what I said...

"Hi, my name is Jenny, I am a friend and coworker of Julie's, and until Julie got cancer we were just normal work friends. We talked about stuff around the office and had casual conversations about our personal lives. She gave me sweet advice about not sweating the small stuff since I was planning my wedding when I met her in 2002. She knew what she was talking about in that department, having definitely showed a great example of an amazing marriage looked like. It was after she was diagnosed, and she started her blog, it was then that I got to deeply know her. And through that, she changed me. Her dignified battle and humor and wit through it has been an inspiration to me, and how I live my life. I wanted to do something for her, something tangible to show support, so I organized a team to walk in a cancer benefit walk in her name. She was touched, so deeply.

I was thinking the other day about how much Julie would have liked to go on for years with the title of 'cancer survivor', and how unfair it is that she cannot, I was reminded that it is something did get to experience. During that first Making Strides Cancer walk that we did together in her name, she got to make a lap with the other survivors. She was in remission for the first time and feeling strong enough to finish the entire 5K holding a sign she's fashioned with a long (heavy) wooden pole and a pillow case with the numerous names of the people who inspired her and who been affected by cancer. As I watched Julie make that survivor lap, with tears in my eyes, I both was proud to know her and honored to witness her own pride in herself. She did it. Of course that wasn't the end of Julie's battle, but I'm so glad she was able to know that victory, feel that victory, and be recognized in such an exhibition as the true survivor that she is.

As I said, I came to know Julie more intimately through her blog, and her words touched me. As I read back through it this week, looking for a few meaningful passages I wanted to share, they were numerous. There was no way I could do her justice reading just a few lines. I'm so grateful that we have her writing to look back over and to remember her...to continue to be inspired by her.

April 2009
A few days after her last chemo in April of 2009, she was writing about looking forward to a day of feeling not yucky (she promised that was an technical oncology term). She wrote of the ailments that she still struggled with and how she couldn't wait for those to pass. And she wrote:

But just today I was reading The Hotel New Hampshire by John Irving, and came across this:
“Human beings are remarkable – at what we can learn to live with,” ... “If we couldn’t get strong from what we lose, and what we miss, and what we want and can’t have,” ... “then we couldn’t ever get strong enough, could we? What else makes us strong?” ...

In September 2009 she wrote of feeling like she was finally "Back in the game" after sitting through 2 years of her life, sitting on the sidelines...she was having a hard time shaking what she described beautifully as "cancer colored lenses". The (rose) optimism, the (blue) grief, the (green) envy, the (black) fear, the (red)anger. This speaks to her wisdom.

She wrote of those with terminal cancer before she was speaking of herself and she said:

"But for someone for whom the “new normal” is to live their life with ongoing treatment and an unsure future, is there life without the glasses? To deal with it at all is something [for them] to be proud of; and it is our job, as their friends and family, to be on the outside of whatever lenses they wear, providing a pool of love and normalcy for them to dip into when they need it, and can handle it.

Of course, that is true for even us curable cancer patients – I had an ocean of love and normalcy around me due to all the friends and family who supported me and let me know they were there even when things were difficult. I would not have had the courage to remove the cancer lenses without them. I can only hope to be part of such a source for those I love who need it in their turn"

Could she have possibly known how her survival and ongoing fight with cancer could lead to be such a source of courage for those of us who loved her? For friends, known and unknown.

Julie, now that your battle is finished, and you did not win it the way you would have like to defined "win". I hope you know that your life made a difference. If it made such an impact on someone like me, who only knew you for a relative few number of years, and we only scratched the surface of who you really are, I can't imagine the souls you have touched during your fifty years on this earth, and those you will continue to touch through your beautiful words and through your legacy.

Thank you, dear friend.

Wordless Wednesday - I love this face

2010-10-20T05:01:00.000-07:00

Happy or sad, his baby blues melt my heart

Remember just 8 months ago, I was saying the exact same thing...

Six Years

2010-10-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Lily,

Today you turn six years old. I have been a mama for six years. With each passing year, as I say your age aloud, it sounds hard to believe, but six just sounds so much older than five. I mean, you are now old enough to take children's cough medicine with a doctors orders. I remember when you were such a baby, Kindergarten and six years old seemed like a lifetime away, and it was. Oh, my big girl, how I love you.

My biggest regret is that I don't have more time every single day for just you and I. You are the easiest of the bunch and you love your siblings more than I ever could have hoped for from their biggest sister. But it does mean that my time alone with you gets cut short. We have so much fun together. Crafting, cuddling, talking. I love it when you come ask me for some cuddle and talking time. I love it that you often choose that over an activity or a book. When I was pregnant with Bryson, you wanted to lie in bed and talk about our baby that was coming, rather than have a bed time story. I love talking with you. You, sweetheart, have some very important things to say, to wonder about. I can always think of ways I could be a better mama to you. Sometimes so much so that I don't see that I have anything to do at all with the amazing girl you are. But if I credit myself for even the smallest portion of who you are, I am a huge success. This is because you are incredible. You are kind. You are thoughtful. You are conscientious.

You are so intelligent. You are loving and compassionate. You are fast. You are strong. You are healthy. You work hard. You are helpful. You are careful. You are caring. You are beautiful, inside and out. You are independent. You are a teammate. You are a daddy's girl. You are a mommy's girl. You are brave. You are well-behaved. You are well-spoken. You are a leader. You are imaginative. You are creative. You give and receive love so freely, but on your terms. You never fake it. You are genuine.

If I would have made a list of all the things I would have wanted you to be by the time you were six, you are all of them and more. I am humbled and awed by that sentence I just typed. I can't think of one trait, one characteristic in a child, a daughter that I would have wished for that you are not. How in the world did I get so blessed? I don't know why God chose me to be your mama, but I think Him every day that He did. Every single day, I think that I come up short of the mother you deserve. But you are lucky. Because every single day, I rededicate myself to being the best mama I can be. You forgive me every time I ask, and I try to always remember to ask. You are always surprising me. Sometimes it's because you are smarter than I expect and sometimes it's because you are piecing together the way the world works better than I can image, and sometimes your will for things to be your way is so strong that you cannot be budged. While that's not always convenient for me, I hope that as you take shape into the person you will be come for your whole life, you keep your strong will, the one you've had since birth, and put it to use for greatness.

Right now you are starting to read, you're good at soccer, you are growing your bangs out, complex math and fractions comes easy to you. You never count on your fingers, and roll your eyes because counting by 2's, 5's, or 10's comes so easy to you. You love having the right answer in class, and you usually do. You love your teacher, Mrs. O. You are fun to play games with, and you are very good at games made for kids a few years older than you are. Your siblings love you. Bryson would follow you around all day and laugh at all the things you do. He thinks you hung the moon.

I still remember your first birthday, five years ago. Daddy wrote you a letter. I have it somewhere, I'll post it if I can find it. You got a Marlo Thomas CD and we danced and danced to Free to be You and Me before you went to bed that night. It's mind blowing how long ago that seems, and yet how vivid I can remember every detail of the night. How I can taste my exhaustion, how I can remember my love for you. Dancing around the living room, with you over my shoulder, laughing and resting my cheek on your purple polka dot feetie pajamas.

Sometimes you act weird. I'm sorry, BUT YOU DO! Like company will come and rather than say "Hi" you will roll around all of the floor on your back. What is that? Okay, so if I would change one thing, that might be it. Oh, and EAT faster!! You are the slowest eater known to man. I'm worried that once you have lunch at school you will come home every single day starving. STARVING because you just got your lunch bag open and it was time to clean up. You like to talk and not eat. You need to learn to do both. But not with your mouthful of course. I would never endorse that!

We will have pancakes for dinner because that's what you want. Daddy makes such a fun pancake dinner that you just love having that. I'm not much of a pancake eater. But you and Daddy have changed that, because everyone eats so much and so well, it's hard not to be on board for that for every meal. You have become a decent eater, you used to be much more picky, but you have grown up some in realizing that you must eat to get dessert. Cause and effect. Reward and punishment has always worked well for you. You need to know what you have to do to get something and what you will earn if you do something.

You have a tender heart. You cry and cry after watching anything on TV that has any conflict. You get so worried for people. So we watch a lot of Dora and Sesame Street and Sid the Science Kid. We read "The Giving Tree" a while back and you fell apart because that boy took everything the tree had. Things make you really sad. That's how I am. You got that from me. Sometimes it will be frustrating because you will cry and feel sad when others don't. But mostly it's a good thing. Your heart feels things just a little more than everyone else. Good and bad. So when it's good it's good and when it's not, it hurts more. But it's really feeling. You really feel things.

You have graduated to a larger scrapbook of your own. The first one that isn't a spiral bound sketch book but a real 12x12 book. It's a little more expensive, but you really do have the idea of how to make themes for pages and always ask someone to journal in a corner of something you dictate. I love that. Again, wish there was more time to do such things together, without the risk of little brother and sis coming along and destroying.

You LOVE to laugh. And you love it when anyone else laughs. If you could bottle laughter, you would. You never want it to end. Even to your own detriment. From your reaction to things it is obvious that you just love the way it feels when other people laugh. Then you say silly things like, "why did you laugh when I said that?". You are always wanting to get to the bottom of things.

Your big brown eyes are gorgeous. Everyone who meets you likes you. Even though sometimes you give people a run for their money (like you AuPairs!). You mostly like to do the right thing, recite the rules, ensure that others follow them, and teach people things. But you are stubborn and that doesn't always go over so well for you! But not usually to your teachers. They always say things like they wish they had a whole class full of Lily's, or that you are the only kid in class they could trust with such and such a thing, or that you are such a helpful kid to be around.

Lil, I could write for 10 more paragraphs. There is so much I could say about you. So much I love about you. So much about you that drives me absolutely bonkers, but I wouldn't change you a bit (like you would you stubborn little thing!). I remember the first time you looked at a picture of me and you together and you said, "Mama" as you pointed to me. It hit me in a different way that I am someone's mama. Like for the rest of my life someone will look at my picture and know that I am their mom. It's hard, even now, to wrap my head around that.

I loved the day I married your dad. The day I graduated from college. The day we bought a house. The day I moved across the country by myself. Those were all milestones in my life. They changed the course of my life. And I love things that came after you, too. Addie and Bryson bring me as much joy in my life as you do. And the interaction of the three of you is worth your weight in gold. The love you have for them and they for you is something I could have never expected to expand my heart so much. That I would love watching other people love other people, and that just that act would make me love them all more for it.

But October 14. That's the day that truly changed me. That's the day I became a mother. The day that I was forever more concerned with something on the outside of me, than something on the inside. It's the day that will continue to define the changes in me through the years. It's the day that has developed friendships, and bonds, and understanding in other people, other mothers, parents, in ways beyond what I could have imagined. And it's the day that changed the love I have for your Grandma Lanie - I finally get it. The importance of the day. The importance of your day and why it's my day too. Why my day is her day too.

Today I celebrate you, my beautiful little baby girl. But I also celebrate me, and the day that I became a mommy. The most important job I will ever have, the most rewarding love I will ever feel while on this earth. Thank you for being a daughter who fills me up day after day with hugs and kisses and love. I will forever be proud of you, and thank God for giving me you as a gift.

You are amazing,
Mama

Related Posts:
Five Years

Wordless Wednesday - My girls look alike?

2010-10-13T07:30:00.000-07:00

October 2007

Lily 3 years- Addie 3 months

So, Not entirely wordless. Everyone tells me that Addie is me and Lily is Lawrence. We see it in their eyes, but otherwise we don't see it as clearly as everyone else. I think that's pretty normal when you look at your own kids each day.

In 2007, when she was three years old, Lily was a pumpkin for Halloween. We borrowed the costume from Rachel, and a few days ago, when I was giving Shawna a bag of boy clothes for Blake, I found and returned their pumpkin costume as well.

First we HAD to get a photo of Addie in the costume.

Addie - 3 years

I know they don't look like identical twins, but it was the first picture (since newborn) that I took of Addie and we looked at it, and said, she looks kinda like Lily in this one.

Oh how I love being the mother of these two beautiful pumpkin heads.

Guest Blogger Melinda: The Send Off

2010-10-12T17:30:00.000-07:00

**Melinda is a friend I've had since the 5th grade, she lives in Idaho and works as a High School teacher, where she waits for her deployed husband to come home , they have a 4 month old son, Che. Melinda keeps a private blog, and I asked her to post here regarding her recent goodbye to her husband. I've found it difficult to put into words the feelings I have about my own brother's deployment. Melinda's husband is in Mississippi with Matt and they will head to Iraq together. Because I love her and because of this, I feel extremely close to her right now. She is a gifted writer and I was touched by her words about their send off.**

I waited a week before trying to write this. It's like writing what I saw at a funeral, which you might rightfully question as not a good idea. But it's like documenting my hours of labor. Something important that I went through. That was hard. That I might have to go through again, so it's a good idea to process it for future reference.

Last night, as Juan and I chatted about his three days of leave in November (right before he officially flies overseas), we quickly came to the mutual conclusion that it was a bad idea for me to try and spend his leave with him. Several well-intentioned civilian acquaintances have mentioned that I could go down and see him if I chose, and I feel like a bad wife for saying, emphatically, NO. And Juan agrees. Here's why:

1. Military bastards change their dates all the time. If I had been a blogger at the time I was planning my wedding, I would have told you all about that. The effort and expense of a possible date change would be very bad on my blood pressure.

2. It's expensive, and we're trying to save money. A current dream is to use our accumulated vacation fund to spend an entire summer in Mexico when Che is three. I'd blow hundreds of that money for a few nights down in Mississippi. Not a good exchange.

3. It's not fun flying as a single parent with an infant. Five hours. I don't know this from personal experience, and I have no desire to find out.

4. Juan needs time to bond with his new guys. He went from Delta Company to Alpha Company just before the deployment, which cut off his entire military social support system. He needs a chance to make non-Iraq memories with the people who he trusts with his life. I get that. Go watch a football game together, drink some shots. Pack six guys in a hotel room. All that important stuff.

5. And the big one: saying goodbye again would really, really suck.

One week ago, I came home from a loooong day, with puffy eyes and a bone-tired body. Last Monday night, yes, my last night with my husband for a year long deployment, was spent at parent-teacher conferences. I thought about taking the day off, but in the past, I weirdly have had the luck of getting the stomach flu or food poisoning on that very day, and frankly, I think the parents are getting a little suspicious. So I sucked it up, raced home. Got there five minutes after my mom did. She unpacked, set up on the couch, and commenced the much-needed nurturing.

Juan and I played 'pack the duffel bag' and I don't mean a fun bedroom game. Elsewhere, I suspected, in hundreds of Idahoan National Guard homes, delicious nooky was taking place, but not here. We were finding goggles, batteries, headlamps, mouth wash. Asleep by 11:00.

Awake at 2:30.

On base, I dropped off my soldier and crawled into the back of the Tahoe with my sleeping bag, catching a cat nap for about an hour . . . a nap punctuated by slamming doors of late soldiers and the mass chanting of hundreds of voice shouting, "Go Desert Storm!" No, not that. "Go, Desert Wind!" Maybe. "Go, Desert Kitty Cat!" Who knows. They were like a huge football team before a game.

So I slept. Then drove to the hangar and hung out with him for an hour and an half or so. There were sweet old ladies and motorcycle gang veterans there serving us breakfast burritos, stale cookies, and watery coffee. God bless them! Every time I think that they're doing something corny, I remind myself that they could be cozy in bed. They think that it's more important for us to not feel alone right now, for us to feel loved. What must Vietnam have been like for them to feel so determined to love on us right now? I can't even imagine?

So in a room of high strung children playing in the dead middle of the night, clutching their daddy dolls, hugging their daddies' knees, it started to slowly hurt. I felt that nervous before-a-race feeling from high school. I went pee three times. We chatted about nothing at all. Juan told me the gossip on everybody new - those that I'd likely never see again.

Some politicians wandered in, looking so incredibly polished, pressed, and out of place. No media was there, not that I saw. Must have been, though, for the mayor to show, right? I sound cynical, but Juan's last deployment taught us a thing or two about politicians and their lust for photo ops with troops. Take away a camera and they 'stand you up like a fat girl on prom night' as my husband put it once or twice.

Then they called for the troops to gather in 15 minutes.
15 minutes passed very quickly. Juan kissed me and said goodbye. Turned away happily to his guys. Probably fake-happy -- you do what you can to get through it, I've found. I walked out into the night and suddenly I felt sick, literally like I was going to vomit, which was handy since I was right next to a row of port-a-potties. And I started bawling. Finally, it was just me and the darkness and I could really let it go. I didn't have to be strong, organized, disciplined, supportive. I could just cry. So I did.

Somehow I hadn't thought I wanted to come to this whole goodbye thing. I thought I'd kiss him goodbye at our doorstep, on our terms, and he'd drive to an armory and they'd bus him to base. No count-down. No politicians. No other families in the same predicament as me.

This was the classic band-aid dilemma. Rip it off quickly? Tear it slowly, little hair by little hair?

That thing I'd dreaded so long had come.

And then, as I strode away, I heard a song: sunk deep in my National Guard hoodie three sizes too big with a bleach stain on the sleeve, my phone rang with Joan Sebastian. Juan.

"I didn't mean to send you away," he said apologetically. "I thought we were supposed to say goodbye right then and line up. I guess you are allowed to come walk us out to the plane and all that."

Put the band-aid back on and try to rip it off again. Slower this time. I returned to the too-bright hangar with puffy eyes. His were wet, too, though. Rare.

I just couldn't stop touching him as we walked out into the darkness of the runway. My fingers on his hand, on his face, wanting to press my face against his, just hungry. I know what it's like to say goodbye for a long time.... just not quite like this. Not when I need him so much, love him so much. Share so much with him, have so much to lose.

And then, one final kiss, and he melts into a crowd of uniforms climbing the stairs up to the plane. A text message. He's sitting over the wing. He can see my phone's light in the crowd. He waves his pen-lamp, and I feel a jolt of love. Such a small thing. The last sight of him.

We stand there in the freezing cold -- I wore flip-flops, dummy that I am -- and listened to wives sniffle and, worst of all, a steady wail from some of the children old enough to know what they were getting into.

Next to me, a very young woman with a baby 21 days old. Her parents or her in-laws were late to the send off; they left their house at 2:30 and got there late, got lost on base, arrived to see a plane with darkened windows and a crowd full of sad faces.

We each felt our own private grief, each yearning for a little more time with one particular man. Like a crowd funeral. With hundreds of different caskets. So private, and yet so public. A feeling I'll likely never be able to share with very many people that I know.

To my right, the young mom whimpered for an hour straight, devastated.

To my left, a pack of Army moms laughing and telling inappropriate jokes and gossiping about who'd been kicked out for the DUI and planning a Biggest Loser party that night.

They made me happy, just standing next to them. Lifted my heart. It was a defining moment.

Yeah, it was sad, sad as hell, something I sure don't want to spend hundreds flying down to Mississippi to repeat.

But I have a choice, don't I? I don't have a pack of Army wives just yet -- again, he's in a totally different company than he was just a month ago. Just when I was getting to know people, build my support system.

But I cannot be that young wife with the baby at my feet, stuffing my hand into my mouth and sucking at it in desperate sadness. Now can I?

I have to laugh. Find funny people. Distract myself from sadness. Stay safe and sane. Right?

In the cold we waited, like I was saying. What was the hold-up? The Governor's wife was determined to shake every soldier's hand. That's nice, honey. Why don't you buy us a Starbucks and let us go home? But that's what the higher ups do. They make speeches and send us to war and keep us waiting on a dark runway.

And then the sun started to come up. The plane started to taxi away from and then toward us, then speed up to zoom past. And just before it left the ground, when I was feeling so damned alone, I felt a tap on my shoulder, and it was a familiar face. In a uniform. That came just to see Juan, just to support me at that hard, hard time. His friend Joyner, whose wife has been through this before and who has been so helpful. He hugged me and watched the plane fly into the rising sun and disappear. He walked me back toward my car, past the port-a-potties, and said he hoped I had a good day, that he had to get to work. That if I needed anything . . . that he'd 'cut my grass' . . . that all I had to do was call.

In the Tahoe, I turned up the Van Morrison. Put on "Crazy Love", the one to which we'd walked down the aisle, and I swear I felt every note. And I realized I've never listened to that song before, not really. It really seemed to fit, the whole 'thousand miles' and 'when I come home'.

And I drove around aimlessly, like you do in college after a gut-kicking break-up. Fell asleep on a quiet street near downtown. Woke up and went to a meeting with a BSU professor. Then went to an afternoon conference on multiculturalism in the schools. Got stared at a lot. I'm sure I've looked shittier, but not in public, not in a professional capacity.

Met my mom for dinner at a psuedo-New-Mexican eatery (we were a tad disappointed). SO glad I didn't have to take Che along for all this. Had to change his poopy diaper on the floor of the bathroom because God forbid they have a changing table or a counter of any sort.

It felt good to have her. Motherhood feels like a wonderful new start for us. It felt wonderful to have someone to come home with that night. A full belly. Exhaustion.

A phone call in the middle of the night from an ex-student who wanted to talk. I can only hope he was drunk. Sheesh.

Little sleep and start all over again.

Now, a week later, (sorry for the novel), it's sinking in again, but in a different way. 390 days to go.

How will I get through missing him so much?

I will. Because I have to.

Yep, that's the thing. I have to. So I will.

Julie

2010-10-11T17:30:00.000-07:00

Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Huh. I'm feeling very aware, and very sad.

Last night my friend, my co-worker, left this world after losing a hearty battle with breast cancer.

Julie has written about her battle and journey that started in 2007 when she found a lump. Since then she's had 2 recurrences. The third time it was terminal.

Julie taught me a lot about cancer. She was very scientific and well educated on the topic, having lost several of the important women in her life to the disease. She was a smart and well-read woman with a great sense of humor. She has been a real inspiration for me. She knew how to fight, and fight with a smile. She was a stone. She reminded me to *always* encourage my daughters to dance any where, any time they wanted.

I kept trying to write Julie one final letter. But I couldn't find the words. I commented on her blog nearly every post, in lieu of writing this letter. Usually I couldn't find the words then either. But I couldn't say nothing either. Just like now. I don't want to write this post. I don't want this to be true, and I don't know how to give words to it. I just want to stop writing and go to sleep. I guess that's the kind of heart wrenching grief this causes. Tired grief. And at the same time, after the last few weeks when the quality of who she is was gone, we'd all just been waiting. So there is also a sigh of relief, that it is over for her. There have been a few weeks to grieve, only 2 months since they stopped the chemo. But my heart breaks for her husband, Brian who is left with a giant hole in his life. In March found out that the tumors in her liver had metastasized, she was canceling her May birthday trip to Thailand to start chemo again, and yesterday she is gone.

I'm sad, I'm tired, I have so much more to say, but I don't know how to say it. I don't know what to say. Good bye dear friend. You will be missed. And always admired.